Archive of Our Own

Dennis is beat.

They had 2 MVC’s today, all patients are stable and it was only 10am. He had to go through that while teaching Joy and Ogilvie, he muttered a prayer of thanks to God when the patient—a 5 year old boy— went stable and was sent up to Pediatrics.

“Coffee?” Dana says as she slid the metal flask— thank you second pay check— that Dennis abandoned at the nurses station when the ambulances rolled in.

He takes it and drank the still reasonably hot coffee with a groan.

“Take a break, you’ve been here early.” Dana tells Dennis as she looks at the board then her computer.

Dennis came to work at 6am, he had a dream he can’t quiet shake and the silence in their apartment was going to his head so he went in early.

It was his day off yesterday.

It was also his Pappy’s death anniversary.

“I’ll be in the break room, thanks Dana.” He pushes of the nurses station and walked to the break room.

He catches a glimpse of Joy and Ogilvie walking to the triage with Dr. McKay so he continues to his path.

The break room was empty, he finished the last of his coffee and went to the machine to refill it. The silence in the break room left him to his thoughts.

It’s been 12 years yesterday.

‘Get out of here, and be something, somewhere.’

Pappy’s voice echoes in his head every now and then, he and Nana were the reason Dennis left. Both urging him to go out there, be someone.

Dennis often thinks its because Nana had wanted to be a doctor when she was a child, her stories of ‘treating’ the farm animals as they venture out the prairie. But she never did got to live out that dream, she got married to Papa at just 18, then her world became their farm and the kids.

Then his Pappy had always wanted to see more of the world and this also includes taking photographs of it, but then he got married to Grammy at 18, then served the war for a year before he got injured—left arm amputation, below the elbow— he had helped treat injured soldiers while being under fire, fighting for something that he never understood. He came home and his world became the farm, and the endless prairies that surrounds them.

–

Dennis was close to them, the youngest of four, with a 10 year gap from his youngest brother and a 17 year gap from the oldest. Dennis was often left in the house, it was Nana and his Ma that he’s spent the time with the most.

His Da often thinks that’s the reason why he’s so ‘soft’.

The summers of his boyhood was in the house of his Pappy. While his brothers were left in the main house, he was dropped off to his Pappy’s and for the rest of the summer, he does what he can.

It was there that he learned how to fix things, this helped as he tried to contribute to the farm, whatever machine is broken, Dennis can fix it.

His Pappy was a quiet man. Always has been, according to his brothers and Da. But with Dennis, gone were the grunts that served as replies, he would teach Dennis to fix everything from the house to the barn, giving an approving nod when Dennis succeeds.

A short ‘thank you’ and a prayer when Dennis makes lunch or dinner, then they wash the dishes together, Dennis washes and dries and Pappy puts them away since Dennis can’t reach the cabinets without using a step ladder.

Dennis was 13 when he was dropped off with welts on his back.

His father was drunk, found him in one of the stalls sitting and petting a new born calf, it took a long time for the calf to be born and Dennis was there all along. His father saw this as laziness, he had shouted at Dennis, dragged him through the back of the barn and hit him with his belt, the buckle giving him bruises and the force enough to cut the skin.

When his father left, probably to go to the house and sleep it off. Dennis had took off his shirt to try and clean off the blood on his back. It was not the first time that Dennis had been hit by his father, he had already learned to clean it even just a bit, before going back inside the house.

Ma had cleaned him up when she saw him enter the house. She had whispered apologies to him, as she wipes his back with warm water. Dennis had just smiled weakly at her.

‘Tomorrow morning, I’ll take you to Pappy okay?’ Ma whispered as she runs her fingers through his hair.

It was a reprieve from what had happened earlier. And also a silent suggestion to never tell this to Nana, and his Pappy.

The hitting was rare, but it was as brutal. It only happens when Da gets drunk, his brothers had gone through the same thing and never said anything, so why would Dennis?

Pappy saw the bruises and wounds when Dennis was fixing the truck. It was the second day since Dennis had been dropped off, and the bruises were gaining a darker color while the wounds are already on their way to healing. Dennis’ shirt had ridden up as he reaches over the machine of the truck to get the wrench that fell over.

‘Dennis.’ He had heard his Pappy call him.

It was never Dennis when he’s at Pappy’s it was always Denny. So he straightened and looked at Pappy, he knew this is serious.

‘What happened to your back?’ Pappy asked. Dennis recalls the flat tone and the blank face of his Pappy when he asked, looking back at it, it was his Pappy masking his own anger.

‘Nothin’, I just fell in the barn.’ Dennis replies, hands twisting at the hem of his shirt. Pappy just looks at him, then sighs.

‘Can you show me?’ Pappy asks once again.

Dennis, at 13 years old, was a grandparents boy, he might have been a mama’s boy, but he was weak for his grandparents too.

So he slowly turned around, and lifted up his shirt to show his back, praying that it does not look as bad as it did when he got beaten a few months ago, he couldn’t wear his shorts to play football during P.E with how bad the bruises on the back of his legs was.

Dennis looks back at his Pappy, saw an ashen face as he takes in the bruises, wounds and healed scars on his grandchild’s back.

‘It wasn’t as bad as before…’ Dennis tries to reason out, he lets go of his shirt and faces his Pappy.

‘Before?’ Pappy asks, well more so says to himself.

Dennis tries his best to distract his Pappy, he had never seen that look on Pappy’s face before.

‘I’m starvin’ I should probably go and make lunch the-’ Dennis says as he walks towards the house.

‘No, Dennis.’ His Pappy had cut him off, stopping him from walking. ‘Let’s go to your Ma’s maybe she made your favorite pie.’ Pappy suggests.

And Dennis.

Dennis was only just a boy, weak on the mention of his favorite pie. He agreed. Pappy closed the hood of the truck, told him to wash his hands and change his shirt while he put away the tools.

Dennis sat on the passenger seat, back only hovering and masking the wince on his face when they hit a bump on the road.

Pappy had never driven that slow.

Ma was surprised when they showed up at the house, seems like Pappy did not call before they went on their way. Nevertheless a space on the table was provided for them. Pappy sat next to Dennis, while Nana sat next to Ma, his brothers sat next to each other on Pappy’s side, Da came late as he was in the barn, he sat right next to Ma.

The big round table had never been this full.

They finished their lunch, Dennis was quiet the whole time as he carefully sits on the chair, not letting his back touch the wooden slats as he eats his favorite pie, his brothers were loud as ever, entertaining both their grandparents.

But Pappy was silent as ever, only giving a small smile and nods to his brothers, before going back to his meal.

As Dennis helps his mother clean up and his brothers already on their way to the living room. Pappy and Da was left on the table, nursing their ice teas. It was Pappy who had stood up first and gestured to the kitchen door that led to the barns.

‘Joseph.’ Was all Pappy said to his Da before he went out. Da went a couple minutes after.

Dennis had watched it happen with fear. He had clutched the kitchen towel tight on his hand as he watches the kitchen door close.

‘What happened sweetheart?’ His Ma had asked.

Dennis looked at her with his big blue eyes.

‘Pappy saw my back.’

He saw how Ma went to look out of the kitchen window, how Nana had to hide a smile from her coffee mug.

‘It’s okay Denny, they’ll just talk, that’s all.’ His Nana had said before sauntering out to the living room.

Dennis fears that it was not just talking. He had wiped the table and kitchen counters clean, washed the dishes and put them away, he can finally reach the cabinets, and poured himself another iced tea to wait for his Pappy and Da.

It was Da who came in first. Forehead sweaty, face pale. Dennis did not stand up from the table as he observes his father.

No bruises on his face, can still walk without a limp, no stray blood on his shirt.

Maybe they just did talk.

Pappy came in after a few minutes, he gives Dennis a small smile before stealing a sip from his iced tea.

‘Let’s go back, that tractor ain’t gonna fix itself.’ Pappy patted Dennis head before going to through the living room.

He bid his Ma, Nana and brothers a quick goodbye before catching up to his Pappy, he didn’t see his Da in the living room so he might have been in the bathroom or upstairs.

They sat in the car in silence as Pappy drove slow on the road again.

‘Dennis,’ Pappy called to him. ‘promise me something.’

Dennis looked at his Pappy with questioning eyes. Pappy never strayed his eyes from the road, hand gripping the wheel as the other rests between them.

‘What Pappy?’ Dennis asks.

‘That someday, you’ll get out of here, and be something… somewhere.’

Dennis just smiled at his Pappy. The silence engulfing the truck again.

That was the last time that Da ever hit him or his brothers.

Dennis had then discovered, a few months later when he accidentally eavesdropped on his Ma and Nana, that Pappy had taken Da to the field and ‘raised hell like a madman, though he had never hit him’ according to his Nana. That was enough to put some sense to Joseph Whitaker it seems.

Because even after Pappy got sick, even after he died 2 years after, even after they sold the house and his farm. His Da never laid hands on them again.

-

“Dr. Whitaker?”

A voice snaps him from his thoughts, he closes his flask and looks back at Emma who’s standing just near the door.

“Dana’s looking for you.” Emma says, voice unsure.

“Okay.”

Dennis follows Emma out, placing his flask once again at the hub when he passed by, Dana is on the phone with the command center as Dennis snaps on a gown and gloves.

“Possibly septic elderly patient being brought in by granddaughter, 3 minutes out.”

A gurney is already being rolled out to the ambulance bay, Dr. Al Hashimi is also gloved up and waiting.

“You okay Dr. Whitaker?” She asks as she looks out the bay.

“Yes, just been here early.” Dennis replies as he stretches his neck with a crack.

A black pick up truck drove and stopped with a screech, nurses had already opened the backseat door, Dennis mutters a curse when he saw the elderly man and heard the wheezing.

A vision of his Pappy, pale and weak in his bed, crosses his mind.

“Fuck.” He mutters to himself before refocusing.

A girl, who looked the same age as Javadi, climbed off the truck with a backpack.

“John Rodriguez, 76. He was fine last night, just the normal coughing, he had a fever but it already went down before I slept. His last meal was at 9pm, I got his binder for the medicine he takes and medical history, I was just about to get groceries when I found him on the couch wheezing, I thought it was phlegm so I tried to get it out but then I couldn't so I put him in the car called 911 while I was on route I-”

The granddaughter rambles on behind Dennis, she was probably talking to Dr. Al Hashimi, so he focused on the patient.

They rolled in Trauma 1, Dennis worked seamlessly as Dr. Al Hashimi worked alongside him, as the patient stabilizes Dennis looks out the door and sees the granddaughter looking at her grandfather, streaks of tears shine in the harsh lights of the E.D.

“Transfer him to Pedes for the moment, we’re full.” Dr. Al Hashimi directs as she takes off her gown and gloves, Dennis does the same.

“Do you want to talk to her?” She asks Dennis as they check on Mr. Rodriguez.

Dennis tries to remind himself that this is not his grandfather and that he's at work.

“I think it's best if you do.” Dennis replies, Dr. Al Hashimi just nodded, they both walked out the room as Mr. Rodriguez gets wheeled out.

“What happened?” The girl asked as she watches the nurses work on her grandfather, her voice tight, eyes rimmed red, her shoulders hunched up as if bracing for impact.

Dennis scans the surrounding, every other staff has their own thing going on. Dr. Al Hashimi motions to the side of the room door, Dennis and the girl followed.

“I’m Dr. Al Hashimi and this Dr. Whitaker.” Dr. Al Hashimi starts calmly.

“I’m uh, Ruth, uh” She sniffles and wipes the tears that escaped her eyes.

“Ms. Ruth, your grandfather has pneumonia, are you aware of this?” Dr. Al Hashimi continues.

“No!” Ruth replies with her wide eyes. “I just got here yesterday, I called him on the phone and the heard his cough so I fought him about taking care of him. He's a very hard headed man.” Ruth says, she breaks into sobs. “Did he… Do you know many days has he had it?”

Dr. Al Hashimi sighs, her hands moving to grip the stethoscope tight.

“We couldn't say, but it would've been a few days for it to develop to an infection. With his age it may have rapidly developed.”

Ruth gave a sharp breath, hands racking through her hair, eyes kept on the floor, Dennis saw something shift in her eyes.

“Tell me Doctor.” She takes a deep breathe and releases it fast, she straightens her back. “Is it sepsis.” She asks as she looks at Dr. Al Hashimi in the eyes.

Dennis is surprised by this. With the way she had given the information about Mr. Rodriguez, a binder with medical history, her effort in putting him in the car whilst being on call with 911, she seemed to have cared for him so much, and it seems like the adrenaline is wearing off.

“It had already developed into sepsis, yes. The binder does not have a DNR information as well as his other documents, we have to intubate him and will transfer him to one of our rooms, and until then-”

“How many hours does he have?” Ruth cuts of Dr. Al Hashimi, her voice falls flat in defeat. “He had no DNR directive because he trusted me with that.” Ruth adds.

“12-24 hours. If his condition does not improve then,”

“Less than that.” Ruth provides.

Dr. Al Hashimi nods, Dennis can see that she’s evaluating Ruth with the way that her head tilts.

“Okay.” Ruth whispers mostly to herself.

The trauma doors open, Mr. Rodriguez is wheeled out with the machines, Ruth pauses from where she's standing, eyes glued to her grandfather.

“We could take you with him.” Dr. Al Hashimi offers.

Ruth nods, the three of them walks follows the entourage to Pedes.

Dennis watches as they positioned the gurney and the machines in the room. The bright animal mural, a contrast to the dying man on the bed.

“I would like to keep him intubated.” Ruth says to Dr. Al Hashimi, they stayed outside the room letting the staff move freely. “Is he gonna wake up? He's sedated right?” Ruth asks, eyes still glued to her grandfather.

“Yes,” Dr. Al Hashimi supplies. “Once the sedation wears off, he would be uncomfortable with the tube down his throat and might try to fight it off. We could keep him sedated and put on soft restraints if he tries to take the tube out.”

Ruth nods at all the information being supplied to her, Dennis can see that she's processing it, her face is now devoid of emotions.

“We could go with that, I just need to contact the family and make arrangements. Can I stay here with him?” She asks, eyes going from Dr. Al Hashimi to Dennis.

“Of course.” Dr. Al Hashimi nods towards the room.

They both watch her enter the room, taking in the sight of her grandfather laying vulnerable on the bed, Princess gave her instructions for if she ever needs something.

Dr. Al Hashimi walks towards central, they have almost rounded the corner when she stopped and looked at Dennis.

“Can you keep an eye on her?” She asks softly.

Dennis looked back.

“She's become oddly calm.” Dennis said, he fiddles with his stethoscope.

“Acceptance.” Dr. Al Hashimi says. “When you’ve been getting ready for something, for a long time. Acceptance comes easily.”

Dennis nods, he looks back at Pedes again.

“Dr. Whitaker.” Dr. Al Hashimi calls him, he looks back at her. “Not because acceptance is there, does not mean regret goes away, that's why I need you to check on her.”

Dennis was not given a moment to respond when Dr. Al Hashimi got pulled away to another room.

It's almost 11am and Dennis had charting to do, other patients to treat and students to teach. Yet he had set an alarm on his phone.

Dennis sits in front of the computer, not really typing anything.

He can still hear Mr. Rodriguez’s wheezing as they transferred him on the gurney. How he looked so frail on the bed as they transfer him to Pedes.

Dennis remembers how his Pappy had held his hand as a set of cough rattles his ribs. How a man who had looked formidable throughout Dennis’ childhood looked so vulnerable on his own bed.

Dennis closes his eyes as the visual of his Pappy having a seizure, his wheezing echoing in Dennis mind while Dennis scrambles to his bed side, how he screamed for his Ma and Da as it happens.

“Hey Huck, you okay?”

Trinity Santos once again pulls him out of his misery. He opens his eyes to see her sipping coffee from his flask.

“Just a headache.” He says, the timer on his phone sets off, he didn't realize it has been 20 minutes already.

“Better take an advil now, don't want you fainting on me.” Trinity pats his shoulder with a smirk as she sets off to do her own charting.

Dennis grunts as he stands up, he smiled at Dana who's looking at him through her glasses, he stopped in the break room to get a bottle of water and a protein bar before going to Pedes.

Ruth was on the phone when he had arrived. Dennis stayed just outside the door, he could hear her talking.

“I just need you here now, not tomorrow, now. He has sepsis, he only has 12-24 hours left, shorter if his condition worsens, tell me when you're here.”

Her monotone voice carries through Dennis. She then checked on the monitors and held her grandfather's hand after.

To someone, she might have been moving like a robot.

To Dennis, she looks like someone who's about to break.

“Uhm,” Dennis awkwardly starts, knocking lightly on the door. “I brought you water and a protein bar.” He offers as he walked in. “All we had in the break room, sorry.” He smiled at her.

“Oh, thank you, you really didn't have to.” She says as she takes the things and places it on one of the chairs.

Dennis checks on the monitor for any red flags, and it seems like the sedation is not wearing out just yet.

“He would probably need to be given medicine again when he wakes up, I’ll make sure to call the nurses.” Ruth says to Dennis.

He just nodded at her.

Perlah had walked in the room with the binder that was left on the hub.

“I think this is yours.” Perlah says as she hands the binder. “You did great, documented everything perfectly.” She gave Ruth a smile before nodding at Dennis, then she went her way.

Ruth is left looking at the binder on her lap, hands gripping it hard Dennis could see her knuckles going white.

“Are you in the field?” Dennis once again, aims for distraction. Ruth looks up at him. He gestures at the binder.

“Uhm, no.” She smiles as she looks at her grandfather. “Pa and I liked to watch medical related shows, whether it be a western series or k-dramas.” She huffs out a laugh. “I guess I picked some of it up.” She gave her grandfather's hand a light pat.

“With the way you rattled of his information like that, I would've guessed you were going to med school or training in EMS.” Dennis supplies with a smile.

“Nah, just hours long of k-drama, House, Grey’s Anatomy and whole other shows.” Ruth looks at the binder. “The binder though, I started it when I was 16 or 18? When he first got hospitalized and my parents scrambled for any information, I didn't want that to happen again. So the binder emerged.”

Ruth sets the binder on the backpack that she had pulled it out from earlier.

“You still did great with it.” Dennis reassures her.

“All that I could do.” Ruth said with a shrug.

A knock on the door and Dennis looked to see Joy standing just outside.

“Stabbing victim, 5 minutes out.” She says as she peers into the room.

“Excuse me.” Dennis says to Ruth who just waved him off with a nod.

He approaches the nurses station and sees Princess.

“Hey Princess can you-”

“Got it Dr. Whitaker, keep eyes on her.” She says with a smile.

“God sent, really.” Dennis says with a smile before he goes to follow Joy to the bay.

Dennis needs a break.

He stares at nothing in particular as he stand near the central hub, flask of coffee already halved, he can feel his back straining from the weight that he had to carry when they transferred the patient.

“Dr. Whitaker?”

Dennis sighs and looks at the owner of the voice.

“Hey Dr. Robby, meetings all done?” He tries to act nonchalant, masking that he might have been just standing still and staring at nothing the whole time.

He does not want to be perceived as lazy, by an attending of all people.

“I feel like it just never ends.” Dr. Robby tells him with a smile as he also leans on the counter of the central hub. “So how are you Dr. Whitaker?”

His attending could really pick a good time asking him that, all Dennis wanted to do is go home, lay face down on his bed, and cry himself to sleep like he always does in the days after his Pappy’s anniversary.

Thankfully, his phone chimed and vibrated at the alarm he set for checking in on Ruth.

“Ask me again in a few hours.” He told Dr. Robby with a smile before he made his escape.

Dennis can feel the weight of his stare on his back as he retreats, but with the heaviness in his heart that he can feel every time he looks at Mr. Rodriguez and his granddaughter, he gave it no mind once again.

Dennis stood near the nurses’ station, Princess gave him a run down on what had happened earlier.

“Also, I think his grandson just arrived earlier.”

Dennis scans the chart, he nods as he sees the medications that were given to him, and noting the soft restraints were already written at the bottom.

“No improvement.” Dennis mutters, Princess gave him a look that he reciprocated.

It’s only a matter of time now.

“Thanks Princess.” He says as he pushes of the station.

Dennis stood just outside of the Pedes room, he can see a man standing on the other side of Mr. Rodriguez’s bed, he was talking to Ruth. He gave a soft knock before entering.

“Hi, I’m Dr. Whitaker. I trust that everything has already been explained to you earlier as the medications and restraints were given?” He says as he scans the monitors and checks on the tube.

“Yes. Dr. Al Hashimi came by and explained it to my brother, Ezra, earlier. Saved me a lot of time, really.” Ruth said with a smile that did not reach her eyes.

Ezra gave Dennis a small smile and a nod to acknowledge him, and Dennis did the same.

“Okay, I’ll just give it another check and I’ll go.” Dennis says as he goes over to the monitors, it seems like there is still no improvement since Dr. Al Hashimi came by earlier.

“Have you talked to Isaiah?” Ezra asked Ruth as Dennis finishes up.

“I tried to call but no answer, I left a message and a text. I also texted his friends to tell him I called.” Ruth said with a sigh. “I really don’t know if he’s coming.”

From the corner of Dennis’ eye, he sees Ezra sigh and rub his hands on his face in defeat.

“I’ll give him a call.” He says, hand going over to cover his mouth.

“I got it. I don’t need the both of you fighting while Pops is dying.” Ruth says in a clipped voice.

Dennis should really go now, but his feet stayed rooted on the floor.

“I’m just gonna go to the restroom.” Ruth says as she stands up, bag in her hand. Ezra nods at her as he takes a seat on one of the chairs.

“Uhm, Dr. Whitaker?” Ruth calls out to him. “Sorry to disturb you but can you point me to the restroom?”

Dennis nods. “Of course.”

They both walked out of the room, leaving Ezra alone, Ruth stopped for a moment in the threshold of the room, eyes on her brother.

Dennis waited for a second before walking. The restroom is just a few feet away from Pedes so it was a short walk.

“Here’s the restroom, the canteen is just down the hall from the doors near the Pedes room, you can always ask one of the nurses if you ever get hungry. If you need anything you can ask them, or me.” Dennis awkwardly offers.

He proceeds to turn around when Ruth had stopped him.

“I have a question actually.”

Dennis quickly turns around, finding Ruth in a seemingly similar way when Dennis asked Trinity if he could use the milk in the fridge.

“Do you know where I could uh…” Ruth tightens her grip on her bag. “You know what nevermind actually I just-” Dennis cuts her off.

“Anything, I promise.” He tries to say reassuringly.

“Where can I smoke around here?” Ruth asks, embarrassed by asking a doctor about where she can actually damage her lungs.

“Well…” Dennis thinks if he should tell her he could go to the rooftop, but with how she looks right now, that is not a great idea. So he settles for another. “Just outside the bay, near the parking lot. There’s a no smoking sign but that is ignored, as long as you throw it away properly.” Dennis offers with a smile.

“Okay, uh, great, thanks.”

Dennis nods and walked away. He settles on finding his forgotten flask, which he thinks he left in one of the hubs.

He walked back into central and looked at all the desk before he found it next to Trinity who is once again finishing a chart. He is surprised to see it actually full.

“Eat this.” Trinity says without taking her eyes off the monitor, sliding a protein bar to Dennis. She probably saw his lunch still in the break room fridge.

“Thanks.” He says as he opens it, takes two bites and puts the wrapper in the trash.

“Have ya’ taken your lunch kid?” Dana asks as Dennis sits in front of one of the monitors. He had actually finished charting almost all of his patients, other than Mr. Rodriguez of course.

“Have you?” Dennis tosses the question back to Dana who just laughed and went to work.

Dennis pulls up Mr. Rodriguez’s chart and worked on it for a solid 5 minutes before Trinity slides her chair closer to him.

“Septic, intubation and no improvement? Have you talked to the family already?” Trinity asks as she swipes over the chart Dennis pulled up.

“Dr. Al Hashimi did, the grandkids are just waiting for the family before they take the tube out, already explained everything.” Dennis says as he types.

“Huh…”

Dennis feels Trinity’s gaze on him, not saying anything but also everything.

“I’m fine.” Dennis deadpans. Trinity just raised her brows and hands as if in defeat before going back to whatever it is she’s doing.

Dennis updates the chart quickly before pushing away from the desk.

“I’ll just be in the bay.” He tells Dana who waved him off.

He sees Joy and Ogilvie trailing behind Dr. King who seemed to be happy teaching the kids. She’s a good egg and Dennis would actually be happy if she takes on training the two.

Dennis sits on the cement bench just near the parking, he fishes out his new pack of cigarettes, puts one upside down, takes it and lights it.

“I’m being something Pappy.” He whispers before taking a drag out of it.

Dennis recalls the day that Pappy died. A long battle of a sickness that Dennis can probably deduce as lung cancer.

A long battle of 2 years.

He remembers being 13 and seeing his Pappy hunched over the porch, heaving in air so hard Dennis can feel his teeth rattle.

He remembers being 14 and having to live at Pappy’s full time. His brothers grumbling as they need to pick him up and drop him off.

Extracurricular like football stopped, his whole time devoted to taking care of Pappy. He learned how to make his favorite dish that was never finished because he got too weak to eat.

Dennis remembers the look of defeat in Pappy’s face when he got too weak to take care of himself, his frustration when Dennis has to give him a bath, and clean him up.

Pappy never got himself checked.

‘I think your Grammy would be a bit lonely if I don’t get to her sooner.’ He once told Dennis, voice almost unrecognizable now, throat beaten from all the coughing that wrecks through his body.

Dennis had wanted to tell his Pappy back then.

But what about me?

He felt selfish. He would pray every single night to make his Pappy feel better. He would kneel at church until his knees are sore, palms dented with the rosary that belonged to his Grammy, he had grabbed it from the dresser one night, Pappy never looked for it.

He had begged and begged and begged for God to give him time with his Pappy, he hadn't been able to be someone his Pappy would be proud of yet, he just needed time.

Dennis was 15, when he had just finished plating and putting Pappy’s lunch on a tray so he could take it to him.

Ma and Da were in the table, Nana and his brothers were in the living room. They just had come from church and all went to Pappy’s house.

‘Need help with that Denny?’ His Ma had asked him, he smiled politely and shook his head.

He had been doing this for a almost 2 years now, he had gotten the hang of it.

Dennis came into the room and saw Pappy already propped up in a sitting position, his Da had came here to talk to him earlier before lunch, he might have been the one to do it.

‘Pappy, ready to have lunch?’ Dennis asks with a smile as he places the tray on the table right next to the bed.

He had made that table, it’s in the perfect height to the bed, the top swivels so it would go over Pappy’s lap, or his, Dennis added wheels on it to make it easier for feeding or generally anything.

They would do puzzles on it, something Dennis buys with his saved up money to keep Pappy entertained.

‘Denny,’ Pappy rasps. ‘come here.’

Dennis sat on the bed next to him, eyes gazing on the face of the man that gave him everything that he could give.

A frail hand held on his shoulder, then gave him a weak pat.

‘You’re a good man, Denny. A good man.’ Pappy says, a smile gracing his face. ‘You’re kind, you help people with everything you could give…’ A series of coughs wrecks Pappy’s frail body.

Dennis fights back the tears that threatens to fall, seeing this man who could lift a hay bale with his one hand now just sitting in his bed, thin and pale.

‘You’re meant to be more than what this place offers.’ Pappy continues as the coughs ease off. Dennis offers him water through a straw.

‘I hope so Pappy.’ Dennis replies with a small smile.

‘I know so.’ Pappy says. Dennis chews on his lips, his eyes going hot as he feels a tear fall down his cheek.

‘Remember your promise Denny?’ Pappy says once again, hand now going to Dennis’ hair, his curls had gotten out of hand once again.

‘Get out of here…’ Dennis says as he hiccups through his tears.

‘Be something. Somewhere.’ Pappy finishes. Dennis nods through his tears.

‘But I’m scared.’ Dennis whispers, hands scrambling to dry his face.

‘Ah, don't worry Denny.’ Pappy consoles him, hand petting his head. ‘I know you got it.’

Dennis nods through his tears, Pappy patting his head.

As Dennis calms down, he stands up to go to the table, he finishes setting up the plate and bowl and was about to wheel it over to the bed when Pappy had a series of coughs again.

This time it doesn't sound like the last one.

Pappy was wheezing, hands and neck going taut. Dennis scrambles to stabilize him, putting away anything near the bed that might get knocked off.

He didn't even realize that he was screaming. He heard the scramble of feet to the bedroom, his Da going over to Pappy and trying to sit him up right.

Nana had stood next to the bed, placing a hand on Da’s shoulder, shaking her head.

Then the wheezing stopped.

Then Nana had gone over and placed two fingers near Pappy’s jaw—checking for a pulse, which Dennis now knows—, Dennis remembers Pappy’s eyes still being open and Nana’s hand going over them to close it.

Dennis remembers the funeral. The endless condolences. The empty house. The truck. The garage. The field.

Dennis remembers the cold draft that hit him the first time he went back to Pappy’s house after the funeral.

Dennis remembers all of it.

He finishes the cigarette and was about to light another one when Ruth came out to the bay, she lit a cigarette as soon as she steps on the parking line. Then her eyes landed on Dennis.

“Hey Doc.” She says, backpack slung on one arm. She stands a few feet away from Dennis. He acknowledges her.

They said nothing to each other, Dennis lights another cigarette and Ruth does too after she finishes her first.

“Have you ever…” Ruth starts. Dennis places his gaze on her, waiting.

“Have you ever felt like, you knew when a person is going to die?” Ruth says, tapping her cigarette, eyes focused out on the street.

“I rely on the medical signs.” Dennis replies. “My gut isn't always right, so science it is.” He adds with a shrug.

“Mmmhmm..” Ruth takes a drag on her cigarette. “I thought my Pops was gonna die when I was 16. His first hospitalization.” She continues.

Dennis finishes his cigarette, but makes no move.

“At 16, I had made myself accept that he's going to die, and that I should be ready to help my family when it happens.” Ruth continues. She huffs out a laugh. “Stupid teenage me, already done grieving when it hasn't even happened yet. I think being the youngest does that to you.” She takes a long drag on her cigarette.

“Always being ready for things to disappear, to leave, always being ready to help in the aftermath.”

She puts the cigarette out before throwing both nubs in the trash.

“But I think this time, almost 5 years later, I’m not quiet sure if I am done grieving. Everything. The time I could’ve had with him. I would be wherever he is, even when he tells me to go.” She says, standing over the trash. She faces the street once again.

“I could care less about being a writer, I could always achieve that, I could always go back, but him? I only have so much time. With him, there's no going back when he's gone.”

Silence stretches out between the two.

“Grandparents are like that.” Dennis finally says, he stands up and dusts his scrubs. “They tell you to go, leave, with all the love in their heart.”

He walks over to Ruth.

“Sometimes all you could do, is just do as they say. Because you love them.”

Dennis fights the urge to say more, it felt like crossing the line if he does, it would be crossing the line he had set out for himself to keep cases like this at bay.

He gives a Ruth a pat on the shoulder and enters the E.D once again. The sound of the machines and the people taking over the silences in his head.

He sees Dr. Al Hashimi talking to Dr. Robby near the hub. Trinity is nowhere to be seen, Langdon is with a patient, Mel is also nowhere to be seen but so is the students.

He sheepishly walks over to the desk that he and Trinity shared to grab his still heavy flask, and was about to go on his way when Dr. Al Hashimi left Dr. Robby in central and then his eyes landed on Dennis.

Fuck.

“Dr. Whitaker.” Dr. Robby says as he walks over to him. “Dr. Al Hashimi told me about your current case, everything alright?”

Dr. Robby leans on the counter of the hub, eyes boring into his.

Dennis could really use and escape hatch, or whatever that game Javadi and Santos plays calls it.

Instead he keeps his back straight and voice devoid of the emotions he has been dealing with since the case landed on him.

“Yeah, tough case for the family. But Dr. Al Hashimi has me through it.” Dennis replies.

“For you?” Dr. Robby asks, leaving Dennis in question.

He might've had a confused look on his face when Dr. Robby gestured at him.

“Was it tough for you?” He asks Dennis once again.

“Oh…” Dennis looks to the doors that leads to the bay where Ruth stayed. “I can take it.” Dennis replies.

“If anything, you can talk to Kiara, or Caleb if you see him.” Dr. Robby says before reaching over to give Dennis’ shoulder a squeeze.

He sees Dana looking at them at the hub.

“You okay kid?” Dana asks as she goes over where Dennis is.

“Yeah! Totally!” He replies, grip on his flask tight before walking off to take another patient.

Filing away the feelings that fluttered over him, those kinds of things can be dangerous in the E.D, plus he has patients to treat.

And a whole lot of emotions to go through.

Dennis had probably eaten half his lunch when Perlah came looking for him.

“Family for Mr. Rodriguez.”

Dennis stands up to put away his things and wipes his mouth. He sets out to the hub to see a man who looks younger than Dennis, talking to Dana. He definitely looks like Ruth.

“Isaiah Rodriguez, my grandfather John Rodriguez is here, or so my sister says…” Isaiah nervously said as Dennis approaches.

“Okay hun. If you could just follow Dr. Whitaker here, he’ll lead you right to your grandpa.” Dana says gesturing to Dennis who just nods at the man.

Dennis leads them throughout the E.D while explaining the situation to Isaiah. They stopped near the Pedes room when Isaiah had stood frozen like a deer caught in headlights.

“Mr. Rodriguez?” Dennis says.

“Isaiah, please. Pops is Mr. Rodriguez.” Isaiah says as he stands still.

Dennis notes the backpack on his shoulder, the long sleeve on top of a white shirt, the stubble and the tired eyes.

“I can’t.” Isaiah says, he grips the strap of his backpack tight. “I- I really ca-”

“Your family needs you, Isaiah.” Dennis cuts him off from what looks like a panic attack. “Your sister is in there, your brother too.”

Isaiah closes his eyes tight and shakes his head.

“I left.” Isaiah says.

Dennis remembers what Ruth had told him.

“I think your grandfather still wouldn't mind.” Dennis reassures with a smile.

Isaiah takes a deep breath before nodding.

They continued to the Pedes room, Dennis knocked softly before entering with Isaiah.

“Ruthie…” Isaiah calls out, Ruth whips her head to their direction.

She lets out a gasp and stands up to hug her brother. Ezra does the same.

“I got on the first flight I could get a ticket on, I saw your text, I was in the kitchen and- I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” Isaiah rattles out as if the hug from his siblings squeezed the information out of him.

Dennis gave the three a small smile before leaving them for privacy.

He can feel his heart tighten as he remembers how he had left everything behind.

Mr. Rodriguez is not improving.

It's the layman's term for what Dr. Al Hashimi had told the three. He had only gotten worse in the last hours.

4 hours before Dennis’ shift ends, he gone to check on him but Perlah is already there. She gave him a court nod before standing beside him.

“I think they need to talk to him.” Perlah whispers to Dennis, in which he nodded to.

Isaiah is nowhere to be found, Ezra and Ruth were setting up a laptop for their family to call in.

A result from the pandemic, saying goodbye to your loved one through a screen, it has been one of the new normal that they had worked through.

Dennis walks out to the bay after bumming a cigarette from Dana, his pack is left in his locker.

He sees Isaiah having an already lit cigarette between his fingers.

Siblings and their coping mechanisms. Dennis smiles to himself.

“Hey.” He nods to Dennis as he takes a drag of his cigarette.

Dennis says nothing, he lights his and looks out to the street, ears out for any sirens coming their way.

“I shouldn't have left.” Isaiah says to no one in particular, no one being Dennis. “He told me to, and I did.” The younger man adds. “24, staged in restaurants all over the states and in Europe, and still I shouldn't have left.”

Dennis looked over at Isaiah, smoke blowing through his nose.

“Staged?” Dennis asks.

“Learning and working in kitchens, restaurants, for free.” Isaiah says with a grin.

“Huh, better than whatever I’m doing then, I paid to learn and work here.” Dennis says with a short laugh.

“But you love it.” Isaiah says, lighting another cigarette.

Dennis nods in agreement.

“I love cooking, but I loved cooking for family more.” Isaiah said as he flicks of the ash. “Especially that old man, loved everything I made him. Told me ‘People need to taste your food.’ and I believed it.”

He snorts at his own imitation of his grandfather.

“Now I’m here wishing I stayed.”

Dennis finishes his cigarette.

“I don't think your Pops would've liked that.” Dennis finally replied.

Isaiah looked at the cigarette in his hand with a grin.

“This?” He flicks the ash off again. “Old man caught me smoking at 17, and told me to hide it from my Mom better.” He said with a laugh.

Dennis looks at him, mouth in a tight line.

“You, regretting leaving to do what you love to do.” Dennis supplies.

“Oh…” Isaiah balks.

“Talk to him, he can still hear you, all of you.”

He gives Isaiah a small smile before going back to the E.D.

Less than 4 hours and he could leave. Probably pick up dinner with Trinity, eat then sleep.

It's been 30 minutes and a patient later when he noticed Ezra walking around in the E.D like he's looking for something.

“Ezra? Looking for something?” Dennis asked, worried.

“Dr. Whitaker, uhm, do you mind pointing me to the chapel? I asked a nurse but then I totally got lost…” Ezra says, embarrassed by the way he rubs his hand on his nape.

“Sure thing.” Dennis says, he led through doors and a hallway.

The E.D had a small chapel, with a couple of pews. Dennis comes by out of habit which is better than out of fear.

“Thank you.” Ezra smiles at him as they enter.

The chapel is warmly lit, a simple wooden cross in the middle with a couple of metal stands where one could light a candle.

“Felt the need to talk to him.” Ezra says as he sits in the last row of the pews, gesturing over the cross.

“He has given comfort to many families that went through this chapel.” Dennis says.

“Well, I don't think he would give me comfort instantly when I’m back here like a prodigal son.” Ezra says with a shrug.

Dennis kept his mouth shut, but his mind is going through the information that has been given to him all his life.

“Should I leave, for your privacy?” Dennis asks instead.

Ezra didn't answer. Rather he proceeded to kneel, so Dennis sat on the opposite pew instead. Ezra sat back on the pew after a few minutes.

“My siblings.” He started after a beat of silence. Dennis angles his body to listen intently whilst keeping his eye on the cross.

“They had short time with him. Pops.” Ezra continues. “I remember him chasing me around the yard. But to Isaiah and Ruthie, he's this old man who's knees hurt if he tries to catch up with them, so he showed his love in a different way.”

Dennis shifts his eyes from Ezra to the cross.

“Our dreams became his dreams as well. Whatever we loved doing, he would be there to support us through it.” Ezra recalls with a smile. “Even when it's as stupid as wanting to be in the film industry.” He shakes his head.

“That's nice…” Dennis manages to say. Ezra nods with a smile.

“He gave me money to attend film school, then again for a short film, then again when I went to L.A.” Ezra rubs his hand on his eyes. “Then I ended back here juggling freelance jobs and a social media page. Because I wanted to be near him, he got angry at me for that.” He scoffs.

“Why?” Dennis asks.

“Told me I should've stayed where I was growing with my passion. Which is in California. But that's too far from him, so I came back here.”

Dennis nods.

“Was he still angry at you?” Dennis asks once again, trying to find an answer for a non existing question that looms over them.

“I hope not. I love what I’m doing here. I get to have free tickets every baseball or hockey game. I get to film these people with great stories to tell, and meet even more people with stories that resonates with mine. I love it. I told him that.” Ezra says with a sigh.

“Then…” Dennis tilts his head. “I don't think he's mad at you anymore.”

He and Ezra stayed silent until he led them back to Pedes.

An hour and a half later, he goes with Dr. Al Hashimi to take the tube out of Mr. Rodriguez.

The laptop they set up for a videocall sits on one of the chairs, Dennis tunes out the cries and sniffles from the other line.

Ezra has tears in his eyes, Isaiah holds his brother and sister, Ruth had looked defeated and tired, but no tears escape her eyes.

At the last hour of Dennis’ shift. Mr. Rodriguez had already died.

Dennis’ hand is shaking as he reads off the time. Dr. Al Hashimi took over with a reassuring hand on his shoulder.

Dennis almost ran to the rooftop when he heard that familiar sound, that faint sound when a person has let out all the air in their body, when all the life in them has gone.

He can feel Dr. Al Hashimi’s stare weight at him as they left Pedes to work on the papers needed for the morgue.

Dennis barrels through the last of his shift with pure willpower, his day off tomorrow means he could lock himself in his room the whole day and emerge only when needed.

As he and Trinity clocks out and proceeds to the bay parking where they had left the car. Dennis saw a glimpse of Ruth standing outside her open car that was haphazardly parked on the other side of the bay.

“Hey Trin-”

Trinity didn't even let him finish and just waved him off.

“Don't be long. Huckleberry.”

He knows she would wait in the car so he walked over to Ruth.

Dennis didn't notice from afar that Ruth was crying. Her back was facing her, but the noticeable shakes on the shoulder as she sobs were clearer as Dennis comes close.

“Ruth?” Dennis tentatively said.

Ruth had wiped her face with her hands before facing Dennis.

“Hey Doc.” She greets, Dennis notices the binder sitting on the driver's seat. “Uh, I just wanna thank you, and Dr. Al Hashimi for today.” Ruth says as she sniffles. “Both of you, everyone actually, are very kind and patient to us, even with all... that.” She continues, gesturing to the E.D.

“It was no problem, really.” Dennis reassures her.

“If, if you want to go. Here's the information about my Pops’ funeral, but if you couldn't go it's no problem really, all of you had already done so much.” Ruth rambles on as she gives a piece of paper to Dennis.

“Thank you for this Ruth. I’ll check in with the others, see what I can do.” Dennis tells her as he holds the paper.

“Take care, okay?” Dennis adds, not wanting to offer anything that he's sure Ruth doesn't need.

“Thanks again Doc.” Ruth smiles at Dennis again before putting the binder on the backseat and climbing in.

Dennis walks away as Ruth shuts the door, the weight of the paper in his hands, heavy.

He slides in next to Trinity in the car. Backpack in front of him, hands folded over the piece of paper.

“You okay Huck?” Trinity asks when they hit a stop light.

Dennis looks at the paper in his hands, and out the sky that's already more purple and dark blue as the night sets.

“Yeah. Don't worry.” Dennis smiles at her. They said nothing after.

The apartment looks like it's at a standstill when they entered. Clothes strewn from the morning scramble they did so they don't get late. Dishes on the counter and sink. Old takeout containers piled on the garbage can.

They went on a drive through earlier, and now freshly showered with pajamas on, they loitered in the living room with their food still on the containers because they didn't want to add to the pile of dishes.

Both of them has the day-off tomorrow. A rare event. So they spent the rest of the night binge eating and watching Criminal Minds, they took a break from Grey’s Anatomy because Owen Hunt pissed Trinity off too much.

Half way through their 4th episode and Trinity is already out cold on the sofa. Dennis stayed on the bean bag chair, hand on his phone.

He takes a look at the time. It's 11:30pm, too late to call.

Dennis puts way the food containers and puts the left overs in the fridge.

He washes his hands before going over to where Trinity is sprawled over and covered her with a blanket.

Then he tries to sleep.

One would think that even after a 12 hour shift, essentially 13 since he came in early, one would be knocked out like his roommate was on their sofa.

Dennis stared at the ceiling of his bedroom, seeing the look of Mr. Rodriguez, of Ruth, of Ezra and Isaiah. The weight of their words even when it was not directed at him, they didn't even know his story, and the weight that they carry on their shoulders.

Dennis hopes that he had eased some of that from them. No person should be weighed down by a regret that shouldn't even be there in the first place.

They all did whatever their Pops told them to do, even when it meant pushing them away to chase their dreams, and Dennis is quiet sure that their Pops would be content and happy with that.

He closes his eyes and muttered a silent prayer to his Pappy.

“I’m helping a lot more people now Pappy. I know how to help in more ways that one now. I’m about to be a doctor. A real doctor.” Dennis purses his lips. “I hope you're proud of me.”

Dennis opens his eyes and looks out the window of his room, streetlights flooding in.

He tries to sleep.

Tossing and turning in bed, his tired body unyielding.

So he sits up, checks the time.

2:30am.

He sighs and goes out of his room, picking up his laundry as he goes.

Laundry basket on hand, he picks out the clothes that are strewn around the apartment, and starts a load of laundry.

Then he cleans the kitchen, the sink first, then the counters, then the cabinets—how did that sauce make it there, he still does not know, looking over at Trinity who's unmoving on the couch— wiping down all surfaces after he puts away the dishes.

On the second load of laundry he sweeps and mops the kitchen, the living room he could do later, he also swept and mopped his room, a first time since he had started his Residency.

His Ma would probably scold him if she discovers the slob of a child he had become.

Checking the time again, it's almost 5am.

He goes back to his room, the door kept closed but the window open, letting the cold breeze in.

He picks up his phone and dials a number he knows by heart.

5am, he knows she's in the kitchen by now with her cup of coffee.

On the second ring his call gets picked up.

“Hello?” The accent on the other line had almost melted Dennis into putty.

“Hey Nana.” Dennis greets, a gasp on the other line then shuffling.

“Denny!” Voice much clearer and cheerier now, Dennis smiles to his phone.

“How are you Nana? Everything fine over there?”

Dennis soaks in the his Nana’s voice. Her lilts and twangs. He relaxes on his bed as she continues to blast on with how one of the bulls got out and his brother had to chase it down. How a tornado almost formed near the farm.

Dennis smiles and just hums through everything.

“Denny…” His Nana had drawled on.

Dennis tries his best to keep his eyes open.

“We received the money you sent, and you really shouldn't have to do that sweetheart.” Nana says on the other line.

“It's the only thing I know I could do Nana.” Dennis replies quietly. “With how I left, and the money you and Pappy gave me, it's all I know I could do.”

Nana sighs, Dennis hears her shuffle around again, the telephone wire is probably stretched taut across the kitchen, Nana had always liked to walk around whenever she's on the phone.

“Denny, we want you to have your Pappy’s truck.”

Dennis shot up from his bed, eyes and ears now wide open.

“I can’t Nana I-” Nana cut him off with a huff.

“Dennis Ezekiel Whitaker.”

Dennis pursed his lips as if Nana can see him.

“Your Da kept it in good condition. We used the money you sent us to give it a fresh coat of paint, you know that truck ain’t gonna rest until she's with you. You know that.”

Nana stayed silent for a second.

“Come home, Denny.”

And Dennis could actually just cry and melt into a heap of black tar right there, in the middle of his bed in his sad clothes.

He remembers the dark blue truck where he learned how to drive at 13. A few months before Pappy had gotten sick, he would practice in the field, Dennis even told Pappy it was harder to learn that the machines that he operated as a kid. Pappy had given him a bark of laughter when he said that.

“I don't know if I could.” Dennis replies, voice tight.

Silence engulfed the two of them once again.

“I still haven't… I’m still not something you could be proud of…” Dennis had wanted to say you and Pappy, but he kept that in the back of his mind.

“Oh Denny…” Nana says, voice wobbling. “I think that old geezer would be proud that you didn't end up like…” Nana heaves a sigh.

“Like what?” Denny prods.

“Like him.” Nana finishes.

Denny shut his eyes tight. If only he could end up being half a man his grandfather was.

“Take the truck Denny, come home, then we could visit my old friend's grave while you're here, and I’ll tell you how he cried when you and your brothers were born.”

Dennis smiled as he thinks about Nana laughing at his Pappy as he holds him. She and Pappy go way back, friends who had wanted to be somewhere farther than the prairie fields.

“I’ll try.”

And that was enough for Nana. She then continued to ramble on and on about the things that Dennis missed, about her great grandchildren and how one of them had jumped off the barn loft and was caught by the eldest nephew of Dennis’

By 6am, the call ended with goodbyes and a promise to be home for the holidays, or maybe just a promise to come home.

Late in the afternoon, Dennis slipped out of the apartment in an all black attire, head and heart lighter than the previous day.

A few days later, Dennis came home to a parcel named to him, as he opens the box, he saw a few things from his childhood room, his old football trophy, some framed photos.

Dennis’ heart stopped as he sees the familiar bag at one side of the box. He took it out carefully as if he was afraid that it will turn to dust.

Trinity knocked on his bedroom door that he kept open.

“What’s that?” She curiously asked as she settled down on the floor next to him.

“My Pappy’s camera.” Dennis says with a smile. He opens the camera bag and took out the old film camera that looked like it could use a clean. “He taught me how to repair things, but he also taught me how to take photos.” Dennis recalls with a smile.

“Cool.” Trinity says as they both inspect the camera. “You think it still works?” She asks.

Dennis checks if there’s any broken parts in the camera, but it seems like there’s nothing.

“We could try it out, I just need to buy film, or have it checked out.” Dennis says, peering into the viewfinder.

“Oh there’s something in the bag.” Trinity says as the bag almost tumbled down from Dennis’ lap. “Looks like a photo.”

Dennis carefully sets the camera down on his bed and checks the bag. He pulled out an old worn out photo.

“That’s nice.” Trinity says, looking in Dennis’ face for any reactions.

Dennis studies the photo, the side of his Pappy’s truck visible on it, he remembers the days he had cleaned and repaired it.

“It is.”

'Somewhere in Nebraska.
1990s
pool bar, theater, cafe, and my blue jay'