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A pookoo had died. It had been known for a while she would pass soon, it was a quiet death, she died in her sleep. Whether it was her growing old age or her well weakened body that wasn't provided the necessary foods needed to sustain itself that caused it, whatever it may be, she had died. It had now marked the 6th death that had occurred on pookoo island since the Javans had taken it over…. Everyone, his mom had told him that all the deaths were going to happen soon anyway, ‘they just tell you that to make you feel better’ but hearing that could never help the intensifying guilt growing inside his heart with every mention. Every bad thing that happened, especially deaths in the species, had sent a dreaded shudder through Ollie's spine as soon as he heard it.
‘Nothing will ever be the same again and it’s all your fault.’
The pookoos funerals had shifted dramatically too since they were forced underground, what once had been a solemn gathering of all the pookoos to celebrate the passed pookoos life and the activities they enjoyed, had now turned into a cold dark service with the only light illuminating in being the one from the small cracks left in the roots, serving as a constant reminder that this is what their lives were now.
‘All thanks to Ollie of course….’
Unfortunately, for Ollie at least, his family had been asked to attend the funeral service. Which was now not a species wide service for all to attend. No, after the first 3 deaths that had happened less and less had started showing up. Whether it was the depressed atmosphere that laid heavier and heavier after each one, or just the fact they were tired of seeing their dead friends and family members in such a grim light, pookoos had stopped coming. Which had only been slightly better for Ollie, as selfish as it sounds.
With every less pookoo that showed, the less number of eyes that always seemed to find him. Blaming him? He didn't know. They should . Maybe they were just looking to see if he blamed himself, which he did. He always did. If it were up to him, he couldn't have bared having to go to any of them, but yet his family, no, his mom had told him to go. “To pay respects” She said, just another way of saying, hey this is all your fault, and you need to look and see all the damage you've caused everybody…. Or at least that's how he saw it. ‘How he should see it.’ Nonetheless he still chose to attend them.
When he and his family arrived, they had all continued to walk forward to sit in the front, but Ollie found himself stopping right there and sitting right near the entrance.
He sat in the back, per usual, he felt he didn't deserve to be anywhere near the front where his family usually sat. Actually the first two funerals he attended since the whole Javan fiasco he had sat in the front. And no matter how much he tried to ignore it, all he had heard those 2 services were not the words coming from the family speaking, no, all he heard was all the hushed whispers coming from behind him.
“Is that really Ollie over there?”
“Why does he even show up to these things at all?”
“I can’t even remember the last time I even had a decent meal!”
“It was him, you know, the one who taught the Javans.”
“What does he think gives him the right to sit up front after causing all this?”
After word had gotten out it was him who taught the Javans to open the piplets it didn't take long for everyone to start making malicious comments towards him, even if they were whispers they thought he couldn’t hear. Sometimes he could ignore them, but at times all he could do was have to listen to all they had to say about him now. And especially at funeral services did they have words.
Sitting in the back had only offered him a small peace from it all.
As he stared up from the ground to the area in which the body laid, the first thing that had caught his eye though had been his grandma. She had known the pookoo who passed, in fact they had been good friends. Upon hearing the news of the passing, she has been tremendously more distant than they all already were. His heart ached for her as he watched her get comforted by his mom.
The next thing that had caught his eye was the body that laid there in the leaf. The expression on the face was emotionless, the color all drained from it.
Everything, just being here in this place again was starting to make his stomach turn.
He tried to listen to the speaker, yet something still felt like it was itching him on the inside. ‘Maybe if he just pretended it wasn’t there it’d go away.’ He tried to focus again, telling himself it was fine and he was okay, yet the thought still laid clear in his mind. Cause there was just one thing that Ollie couldn't seem to ignore any longer… how skinny the body was.
Even with all the fur you could still it, how unnaturally slim it was.
‘It was j-just her condition right?’
Right?
‘That was what made her like that…’
‘Not cause of the hunger…’
No
It had to be…
Right?
Ollie hadn’t known how long it had been since his mind had started racing, but the funeral was now starting to come to an end. ‘The faster it ended the better.’ The family had now said their last words, and they had now started to move the body to the burial grounds. ‘He just wanted out of his sight already.’ Another thing that had changed was the way they would have to bury the bodies, only doing so in the dead of night to avoid being spotted by a Javan.
‘The families probably wanted to see their loved one’s faces before they were buried, not having to hide to do it.’
After the body was finally pulled out of sight, Ollie heard his mother calling him to come with them. With a sigh he reluctantly got up and started following behind them.
The walk back was all too quiet. The guilt of everything felt like it was weighing Ollie down with every step he took.
After a short while they had all made their way back to their area of the den. There had been a dispersion of rations to all the pookoo families, to help preserve the food the best they could. This method had proven effective in food preservation but had only provided everyone enough to not be constantly starving all the time. Pookoos had complained about the new ways, but everyone knew that they had no other choices now.
‘All Ollie's fault’
Again
He had gotten his share of the food, about 2 piplets and a half. Everyone sat in silence as they ate the portions given to them. Ollie almost felt guilty about how fast he scarfed it all down.
‘That food should've gone to that pookoo’
‘Or anybody else but him’
‘Why would he even deserve anything!?’
‘Genuinely what good thing has he contributed to this world?’
‘God, why was he so-’
He was taken out of his train of thought by the sight of his father walking back to his parents' area of the den. He only barely saw his back before he was gone. ‘That was… fast,’ the guilt pounding harder in his chest. His mom started to follow closely behind him before she stopped to look behind her at Ollie. Her eyes filled with a pitiful glance.
“Goodnight Ollie…love you” She said softly.
“I-I, uh” he sputtered out.
How badly did he want to tell her about all this intense guilt he’s been feeling lately. How badly did he want to pour his heart out and tell her how everything that was happening was all his fault. Even at times, he even wished he had never been born, convinced he could never come back from the crushing shame consuming him.
“G-good night, ma…” he said stiffly.
But he couldn't.
She smiled sadly at him before she turned back to follow his father.
Ollie lowered his gaze. He always thought about what he could do to make it up to them. To make it up to everyone, he knew the pookoos were just looking for an outlet to cast their anger, and unfortunately he had to be it. He didn’t blame them, they were right anyways. His one mistake, him trusting that one baby Javan had doomed everyone to a life of hiding, fear, and hunger. How could he not blame them?
Though the one person….
The one person he thought he could turn too, his own father, seemed to have cast him out too.
Ever since that fateful day he’s been lucky if his dad even spared him a glance, let alone a word. Even when his mother or grandma had tried to stir a conversation up, still nothing came from him, as long as Ollie was there. He couldn’t even remember the last time he saw him smile. ‘Some son he is.’
Ollie felt his chest tighten.
Maybe he could apologize again for it seemed the millionth time.
‘Like that would do anything’ he thought.
He doubted his dad would truly ever forgive him, even if he begged on his knees for his forgiveness. His grandmother had long left so he figured that apology to her had gone out the window already too. ‘Maybe he should just go to bed, it’s not like they want to see him anyway.’ Yet still some invisible urge picked his body up from where it sat and began to make its way to his parent's room in their den.
While on the way, he thought about all the events that had led up to this moment. He’d always known he was more curious than all the other pookoos his age. More, curious, oh how he hated that word so much now. It was his curiosity that had gotten them all in this situation. Maybe if he had been born a regular normal pookoo then everyone would be fine. But no, he just had to want to do everything he wasn’t meant to.
‘Genuinely what was wrong with him? Why couldn’t he just be normal like everyone else seemed to be? Gosh, he was such a screw up, wasn’t he? Maybe if he just jumped off a cliff everyone would just be happier anyway-’
His train of thought was cut off by the sound of his mother’s voice, in such a tone he rarely ever heard from her.
“Would it kill you to even acknowledge our son?” She barked out.
Ollie immediately stopped in his tracks, the words spoken alone had made his heart beat faster in his chest. He knew he should just walk away, he knew it would probably be better for him and for everyone if he just walked away right now. Yet he found his feet glued to the ground, and all his attention directed right at this conversation.
So he listened on.
“Mhm? Got anything to say?” She said again.
Ollie felt a bead of sweat run down his face as he felt his stomach start twisting in knots.
“I don't know! Okay?” He shouted. “What would you like me to tell him? Especially today, mhm? Today out of all days is not the time to discuss this.” His dad grumbled out.
Ollie tried his hardest to keep his breaths small as he listened on, though the sound of his heart beating in his ears was starting to make that increasingly more difficult.
“Oh please Caloo, you can’t possibly think it's Ollie's fault that she passed away? Everyone knew her day was coming soon and you know that!” She barked out.
Ollie flinched at the words and suddenly everything went silent.
Surely…
Surely his own father didn’t blame him for it, for her death.
He-he couldn’t, he didn’t, he…
Ollie felt his breathing quickening more and more with each second he stood. Every second painfully passing him by, he couldn’t leave, he had to know what his dad thought. ‘He couldn’t possibly think Ollie caused her death, caused all their deaths, right?’ He shuddered at the thought. At any moment Ollie felt he was going to collapse on the spot.
“Well… it sure didn’t help anyone, did it?” His dad murmured.
It was quiet enough to barely be above a whisper, but Ollie heard it.
He didn’t want to hear anymore.
Ever so quietly Ollie made his way back out and to his own room. The walk felt like it was the longest he’d ever taken. He stepped inside it, and made sure nobody followed behind, not like they cared.
‘Why should they care?’
His chest hurt more and more with each shallow breath he took. He almost felt as if he was suffocating from it all.
‘His own father blames him, he-he probably hates him.‘
‘Why should he blame him, if he wound up with a worthless, idiot son like him he’d hate it too. ‘
Ollie hadn’t known when but the tears that had swelled in his eyes had now started to run down his face. He went to wipe them away but they just kept coming down. His body had long started shaking now, and he felt as if his heart was ready to beat out of his chest.
He staggered to his bed and curled up to as much as he could; his arms wrapped around his chest. Usually he cared to keep his composure in front of others, but with the dead of night shielding him, he lost it.
It was a small noise at first, one that sounded as if it hadn't even come from him. Then a quiet sob escaped his lips, and his shoulders trembled almost in sync. His breathing grew shaky, as more tears started to flow from his eyes.
Why couldn’t he just be normal.
Or anyone other than himself.
Another shaky sobbed escaped him, no matter how desperately he tried to stop it, everything just kept flowing out. Every breath he took felt like a punch to the gut. He wanted to stop, he didn’t want to feel this way anymore, but every new thought had just brought him more anguish.
He deserved this…
Another trembling cry left his body.
Not even his own family wants him.
What would he do, if he was just given the chance to fix everything.
But chances like that don’t really come now do they?