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You’re weak.
The words ringed in Ash’s head like a prayer, repeating itself over and over.
Weak.
Warm tears were streaming down his face, tinting his cheeks and eyes with a slightly rosy colour, falling on the pages of the book, the ink smudging. They were just proof of his weakness.
He stared at the lightning that the beacon provided, his eyes still looking out for the silhouette of Ghosty, even though logically he knew that she wouldn't come back.
Because, why would she?
Why would she want to come back to a father that stripped her out of a decent life, hiding her in the darkest corners of the world, still unable to protect her from its evil?
And after all of that, he had the audacity to bring her back to this cold, uncaring planet, just because he missed her. Pathetic.
All that Ash could register were Ewron’s yells for her, repeating her name over and over again, like that would make her want to come back. His voice was cutting through the silence of the forest, filling up the emptiness of the place.
Ash’s eyes came back to the words written on the yellowish pages, the texture of the paper still on his fingers, the faint smell of watered down ink irritating his nostrils. He stared at them like they would suddenly change, the letters forming new sentences that didn’t feel like a direct stab in the heart. But they didn't. They just mixed with Ash’s tears and the heavy rain that started pouring down on their heads, the meaning still the same, the ache remaining.
“Ash!” Ewron’s yells threw him off from the state that he was burying himself deep into, his gaze traveling onto the assassin's face. “Read it again,” he stated, probably a second or third time, his tone as impatient as always.
Ash couldn’t bring a single word out of himself, as he, once again, looked down at the sentences written down by his daughter, only a small, unhearable whimper leaving his throat.
“I can’t,” His voice sounded broken, thin and tired, but still not replicating his own sadness and shame. “I don’t want to,” he whispered.
Ewron made a few steps towards the other man, lightly brushing his shoulder with his own calloused fingers.
“It’s okay, Ash. It’s okay” The words didn’t sound like typical Ewron. No, they were gentle and quiet— promising. They were something so unexpected from the panda, but at the same time something that Ash really needed.
Of course Ewron knew what he needed. He knew him so well it was terrifying.
The assassin's eyes traveled on the now cloudless sky.
“Look. It stopped raining.”
Ash just nodded, his gaze empty and deep in thought.
“What do we do now?” The panda asked Ash, somewhat hoping that he will look at him and show him that he isn’t giving up yet.
That didn’t happen, and at this point, they both knew it won’t happen today. Maybe not even tomorrow. Ash didn’t believe it would happen at all.
As he was met with silence as an answer, he continued.
“These could’ve also been a haunted ghost, you know? It’s not final that it was really her. Maybe it’s just the federation messing with you. Don’t overthink it.” The words were so soft, so thought out compared to what he heard from Ewron last time. He was probably lying to him, but Ash was too tired to think about what would happen next. In his dream scenario, the next in question would never happen.
Ewron kept staring at him, like he was studying every little twitch of his fingers, every short breath that he took. It was too much, it was all too much. Ash could feel the assassins gaze on his skin, crawling upwards like a colony of insects.
The tears stained his nearly dried cheeks again, small sobs escaping his throat. He pointed his eyes at the ground.
Weak. Yes, that’s what he was. It fit perfectly, like a tailored suit made exactly for your body. Weakness was his shield, it was every single cell in his skin, hidden in the dirt beneath his nails, tangled in the strands of his hair. Powerless and pathetic– the only titles he was allowed to call his own.
Why did he even think that he could be anything more than that? After all, he was damaged. He was meant to be something more, but that wasn’t the outcome of his growth. He could never be more than he was now, no matter how hard he tried to pretend he wasn’t broken.
Ash’s fingers started digging in the flesh of his other arm, nails cutting gently through the skin barrier. It didn’t do much harm, but it hurt. Good. The pain was deserved.
Ewron just looked at him, not being able to say anything. What was he supposed to say? No matter what he thought about, it was always too little to reassure the other assassin of his worth. Every sentence seemed to lose its power, feeling like a little kitten compared to the wolves that were Ash’s insecurities.
The smell after the rain floated in the air, making both assassins sick to the stomach. Ash dug even deeper into his skin, a voice that could be easily mistaken for a whimper of pain escaping his mouth.
“Can we go…? Please…” it was almost a beg, a pathetic beg for comfort that the man didn’t even believe he deserved. He was selfish enough to seek it anyway.
“Yeah, let’s not stay here. Come with me,” Ewron started walking towards their boat, looking back after a moment, but Ash was still standing there, deep in his shame and guilt.
“Ash, please,” Ewron almost murmured, his voice pleading, full of desperation. He couldn’t look at the man in this state anymore. He looked empty, worn out and tired— so fucking tired and vulnerable. He didn’t look like Ashswag at all, more like a shadow of his presence, his usual strong and confident aura swapped for hiccuping, almost unhearable sentences that he could barely choke out of his throat.
Ash walked towards the panda, but he didn’t get his eyes up, still staring at the ground underneath his feet, like it was holy. Maybe for him it was.
Maybe he didn't want to curse the place where his daughter reappeared with his disgusting presence.
“It will all be alright, you know? It will be,” As the assassin approached, Ewron caught Ash’s arms in a warm embrace, guiding him towards the boat.
Ash’s body was almost passive towards everything that was happening, his muscles refusing to do anything more than slow steps. Ewron didn’t judge. He just held him, helping him to get into the boat.
“We’re going home, my friend… It’s alright now, it’s okay…” Ewron soothed Ash, as he himself sat himself down in the boat.
When he started rowing, the water filling the ear-piercing silence with the sounds of small waves, he felt strong arms wrapping around his waist, a head of the man behind him weighing on his shoulders, nuzzling into his neck. A little smile slipped onto Ewron’s face; not his usual one though. This one wasn’t ironical, it wasn't as fake as plastic. It was real, the actions of the other man simply warming the panda’s heart.
They rowed towards the island in complete silence, Ewron not acknowledging the situation loudly. He didn't need to; he wanted to spare Ash some of the embarrassment. He was ashamed of himself already.
“Why did we even bring her back?” Ash mumbled the question into Ewron’s robes.
“I… I will tell you something. But— let’s just finish the boat trip, you know”
So Ash stayed silent, holding onto the assassin's robes as tightly as he could.
And if Ewron’s heart was thumping a bit faster than usual, he would never admit it.
***
As the ship sailed, Ewron carefully left the boat, giving his hand to help the other assassin.
When both of their feet stood surely on the ground, Ash moved his gaze onto Ewron's face. His eyes were red and puffy, shining like the water in the sea around them.
“What did you want to say?” Ash started, his voice still worn out, but steadier than before.
“You asked me if this was your daughter, you know,” Ewron said, playing with his fingers and sleeves. “Because, usually, when I resurrect someone, they come back just as they were, the consequences– they're mine, you know. But not this time– this time it was different. I didn't really… Feel anything, except maybe tiredness, but your daughter, she wasn't acting as usual. She was making demands, asking me to build her an altar, and I have no idea what happened to her, nor what that means, like, at all.” The panda spitted out all the sentences in the same breath, slightly pacing around the field.
And suddenly, he stopped in his tracks. His eyes concentrated on Ash’s face, staring into it like it held every information that he needed to know, the whole secrets of the universe spelled out in the purple glitches on his left eye.
“I'm not sure of many things, Ash, but there's one that I know for sure," The tone of his voice changed completely, the anxious banter swapped for a steady reassurance. "She's a fucking liar. Because you, my boy, are not weak. By any means,”
Ash just kept staring at him, dumbfounded, because wasn't this the opposite of what he told him last time? What was that supposed to mean?
"You, my boy, are a fucking supreme leader. You run this stupid island, you understand?" He took two steps closer to the assassin, putting his hand on the other's shoulder. Ash just confusedly nodded, his eyes glued to Ewron's face.
“Dont let this make you think that you're weak. You think that we would be working together if you weren't one of the strongest people in this shithole?” he continued his talk, Ash's heart growing with every syllabe said by Ewron. The man really didn't realize what he was doing to him, how much every sentence was worth to the other assassin.
"For example, if Shappo came to me and asked– hey, you want to kill everyone with me?– I would be like, you know, good luck with that.” Ewron let out a chuckle, gesticulating vividly, which looked a bit comical, but Ash felt like his heart would jump out of his throat.
“But you – You're better than me. You're strong, Ash. The strongest man I know. Don't let her fool you, and trust me this one time, my friend." He was spiraling, talking like a catarine that couldn't be shut up.
And then, he did. The silence filled the air, Ewron's eyes exploring different parts of Ash's face.
Then, he looked down at his lips.
Blink of an eye, and they were covered by the pandas, caressing them softly. It was quick, soft and careful, like another reassurance of his words– making sure that the assassin knew just how much he was worth.
As Ewron separated their lips with a soft click, his thumb rubbed Ash’s cheek with the leniency unfamiliar to the assassin. This was not how Ewron acted with most– his normal demeanor was flirty as well, but in a more exaggerated way. You knew that it was fake, not letting hope locate in any part of your body.
But what happened there? It was more honest than anyone could ever expect from the panda– it was soft and intimate instead of obnoxious and satirical.
Ash just stared at the other man, confused.
Maybe that was how Ewron wanted to use him. Use his weakness against him– first, Ghosty, and now Ewron himself.
“See you soon, my assassin. Take care” After these words, the panda just turned on his heel and walked away, like he didn’t just rotate the life of Ash by 180 degrees.
“Take care” Ash mumbled, almost to himself, as he watched the silhouette of Ewron disappear in the trees of the island.