Chapter Text
Raph sat on the floor in the hallway outside the living room where Leo was sleeping, twirling a sai out of boredom. And maybe a little anxiety. He’d have to be pretty stupid not to be a little anxious after everything that went down with Leo, getting kicked around by the Foot, almost getting blown up, Leo lyin’ there on the couch, not moving-
Raph fumbled his grip, and the sai fell point-down, sticking into the floorboard about half an inch from his foot. Raph stared at it for a few seconds, then yanked it out. He shivered. They made jokes about being cold-blooded, but Donnie liked to point out that they actually weren’t – they just had a cooler core temperature than humans, and it was harder for them to warm up if they got cold. The sewer was roughly the same temperature year-round, but this house...they’d lit a fire in the room where Leo was sleeping, but the hallway was drafty and the warmth didn’t make it out here. He should probably go get a blanket.
He was jolted out of his thoughts by a soft cry of pain from the living room. Raph’s body reacted before his brain could catch up – he burst into the living room, weapons in hand, before he fully registered what he’d heard, half-expecting to see the Foot busting in through the windows in a shower of glass, but all he saw was Leo panting and clutching his side.
“Leo? You okay?” he said, shoving his sai back into his belt. As he approached the couch, he noticed Leo had one foot on the floor – seemed like he’d been trying to get up. “I said I was right outside. You coulda called me.”
Leo grimaced. “Thirsty,” he rasped. “Just gonna...get some water.”
“Yeah, and I ain’t sittin’ out in the hallway for shits and giggles,” Raph retorted. He went into the kitchen and started digging through cabinets. He found some glasses, but they were dusty. He turned to the sink, ready to wash them, but...didn’t humans have to pay for water? Or the water company would turn it off? Maybe this place had a well, though. Raph flipped the faucet handle, and the faucet coughed weakly, nothing coming out but air. He was just facing the prospect of melting buckets of snow over the fire (assuming he could find buckets), when a trickle of brown water finally started. He let it run for a minute or two, and it finally started to look clear instead of tea-colored. There wasn’t any dish soap, so he rinsed out the dusty glass the best he could before filling it with water.
Hoping he wasn’t about to poison his brother, Raph brought the glass over to Leo. Leo tried to sit up to take it, then fell back, clutching his side again, a groan hissing through his gritted teeth.
“How’s doing everything for yourself going?” Raph asked dryly.
“Shut...up,” said Leo, but the corner of his mouth twitched upward.
“You’re always the worst patient.” Raph slid an arm under Leo’s shell, just below his neck. “Ready?”
Leo nodded, then gasped, bringing a hand up to grip Raph’s shoulder hard as Raph lifted him high enough so he hopefully wouldn’t choke on the water. Raph brought the glass to Leo’s mouth. “Go slow,” he told Leo, as Leo tried to gulp the water and some spilled down the front of his shell. Leo did his best, alternating between taking small sips and panting through gritted teeth.
The blanket slid down Leo’s front, revealing more of Leo’s injuries than Raph had seen. Not that he’d been avoiding looking at them. There’d been a lot going on. And if the sight of them now made Raph want to start screaming and punching things, well, that seemed like a reasonable response to what had happened. The large, jagged crack in the side of Leo’s plastron drew Raph’s eyes like a magnet. It wasn’t bleeding a ton, but it was still oozing.
“Okay. Enough.” Leo gasped. Raph gently lowered him back down, and Leo lay still, wheezing weakly. Raph glanced at the glass in his hand – it was still half-full, and with the amount Leo had dribbled down his front, he wasn’t sure if Leo had actually drunk any. He hoped he had.
“I’ll, uh, get a towel,” said Raph, and went back to hunting through cabinets. His eyes were filling with tears, again, and he slapped his face lightly with both hands. Get it together.
At last he found a kitchen towel that didn’t look too dusty. As he brought it back over, Leo started to reach a splinted arm out for it, then gasped again, cradling his injured arm to his chest.
“Just let me,” said Raph impatiently, dabbing at the water on Leo’s face and plastron. He was doing his best to ignore both the part of his brain that was cataloging Leo’s injuries – multiple shell cracks, broken wrist, twisted knee, likely broken ribs, lacerations from the window, concussion – and the part that was screaming I’LL KILL HIM I’LL KILL HIM I’M GONNA SHISH KEBAB HIM ON HIS OWN FUCKING SPIKES over and over.
“Right,” said Raph, once Leo was dry. “You need more water? A snack? More pillows?” He pulled the covers back up to Leo’s neck.
“All good.” Leo gave him a feeble smile. “Thanks.”
“Yeah, well, I’m gonna be sittin’ right here,” said Raph, plopping down next to the couch. “Just to make sure ya don’t try something else stupid.”
Leo gave a wheezy chuckle, then muttered, “Ow.”
“Sorry, shouldn’t make ya laugh.”
“It’s...nice,” said Leo. “Feels...normal.”
Raph nodded, not looking at Leo. He pulled out a sai and started polishing it with the discarded towel. “Why’d you wait so long to come back?” he said, trying to sound casual and failing miserably. “Maybe we coulda taken ‘em if…” he trailed off.
“If you...didn’t have to...take care of me?” said Leo bitterly.
“No. No.” Raph shuddered. “Don’t let me hear that shit about leaving you behind. Never again. Got it?” He turned to stare Leo down.
Leo swallowed. “Yeah.”
“Good,” Raph huffed, looking away again. “No, I just meant if we were all fighting together. Just bring ‘em back to us. We’ll wipe the floor with ‘em. Why not come back right away?”
“Can’t show...our location,” said Leo slowly, sounding tired and...old, somehow. “Dangerous. For April, too.”
“Sure, but…” Raph clenched his fist around the grip of his sai. His hands were shaking again. How was he going to fight if this fear kept eating him alive? “Keeping our location safe isn’t worth your life.”
Leo didn’t respond. Raph whipped his head around, ready to argue Leo into submission, but Leo’s eyes were closed, his breathing slowing. That was good. Leo really needed rest. Raph could use some sleep, too. It would just be a lot easier if there wasn’t something sharp in his chest cutting into his lungs, making it hard to breathe.
He’d feel better if he got up, walked around outside, maybe tried jumping from tree to tree. He had to leave the Lair for at least a couple hours every day or he’d start losing his temper over stupid shit. But leaving Leo alone and unprotected when he couldn’t even sit up on his own-
His muscles screamed at him to move, but he was stuck. He had to move. He couldn’t move. Leo would die if he moved, Leo wouldn’t even try to save himself, but if he couldn’t move, Leo would die anyway, and Raph was just going to watch it happen-
Raph pressed a hand to his chest, squeezing his eyes shut. What the fuck was wrong with him? They were safe here. Leo was safe. Raph turned his head again to stare at Leo’s sleeping form, the muscles in his neck creaking. He’s breathing. He’s resting. He’s fine. So why wouldn’t Raph’s body get with the fucking program? Why wouldn’t his heart stop hammering? Why wouldn’t his brain stop showing him Leo’s corpse when Leo was right here? Or Donnie’s and Mikey’s, when they weren’t even hurt?
You’re not good enough to protect them. You’re not strong enough. You’re not fast enough. But hey, you’re the cool loner type, right? Who cares if you end up alone? You don’t need anyone.
Raph shook his head, half denial, half dismissal.
Yeah, that’s right. You know it’s not true. You know why you keep everyone at arm’s length. You’re on a team that consists of a guy with convictions, who always knows what to do, a guy with a solution to every problem, a guy who’s quick and clever and could make a joke at the end of the world, and an angry, out-of-control, sarcastic asshole who’s too stupid to think things through. You need them more than they need you. And sooner or later they’ll realize it.
Raph grimaced, the hand on his chest clenching into a fist. What was this, the pity party hour? He knew all of that already. But none of this shit was helping Leo. Raph needed to get it the fuck together. He forced his stiff, uncooperative legs to cross, resting his hands on his knees, grinding the air in and out through his tight throat and clenched jaw until it didn’t feel like he was drowning. It wasn’t enough, really – he still felt like he might explode at any second, but it kept his head above water.
It’s Leo’s fucking fault, he thought, traitorously. His giant fucking ego made him think he could take the whole Foot clan on his own. He’s lucky he got back at all. He’s...lucky he got back at all.
“Raphael,” said a soft voice, and Raph flinched, badly. His eyes snapped open to reveal Splinter crouched in front of him. A soft gray light was coming in through the open curtains. That, combined with the embers of the dying fire, was enough to show Leo’s face in sharper relief – he twitched in his sleep, wincing. The bruises on his face were darkening to a nasty purple.
Raph cleared his throat, trying to steady his voice. “Master Splinter.” He sounded awful, but he had just stayed up all night. He could play this off, easy.
“Are you all right?” said Splinter.
Raph jerked his head in an approximation of a nod. “Just making sure Leo’s, you know. That he’s not being a fucking idiot trying to get up and do shit instead of resting.”
“You need rest, too, my son,” said Splinter, laying a gentle hand on Raph’s arm.
“Can’t sleep,” Raph grunted. For some reason his father’s touch made him want to cry. He scrubbed his face with both hands.
Splinter nodded. “I will sit with Leonardo, if you would like to try.”
The idea of Splinter watching over Leo let Raph relax, at least a little. Raph stood, stretching – every muscle in his body was drawn taut, and a headache was pulsing over his right eye. “I think I’m gonna take a walk,” he said. “Try to chill out.”
“Do not stray too far,” said Splinter.
“Yeah. ‘Course,” said Raph. The last thing they all needed was for him to freak everyone out by running off into the woods, however much he’d like to. He tore his gaze from Leo’s sleeping form – he’s alive, he’s fine – gave a nod to Splinter, and slipped through the front door.