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At the end of the day, you can always go home.
Kris gripped onto their arm and held it close to their waist with the other as they stumbled down the dark grey, rain-stained sidewalk, struggling to make their way back to their house. Or, more aptly, the house that they used to live in. They stopped for a second and swallowed before they raised the arm that was injured, turning their palm. When they inspected it closer, it was slightly aberrated with a bit of scarring, but it was nothing they couldn’t walk off. Their sigh was strained as they turned the corner. After they walked a bit further they spotted the driveway of that old house. Toriel’s red car was markedly absent. They reasoned that she was out trying to enjoy her evening. Luckily, when they’d moved out, she’d given them a key they could use to come at anytime. They were thankful. In times like these, there was no need to worry her more.
When they took the Amtrak that led back to Hometown a few hours ago, they’d spent the entire time scratching their hands, to the point where they couldn’t tell if the scarring was actually from them or the incident. It was as though they were on the verge of what would be the worst panic attack of their life. The past few months felt like something out of a movie – for better, or for worse. Today was one of the darker days, if not the worst thus far. They tried not to think about it. But the more they did, the more they realized how spineless they must have been. Like always, they were running away like a coward. And the more they reminded themselves of that perceived fact, the more that self maintaining cycle would fester. They just needed something, somewhere to ground themself.
They hadn’t realized they’d been loitering in front of the house for angel knows how long until a car sped behind them and snapped them out of their rumination. They let go of their arm, and dug in their pocket for their keys so they could open the door. They jingled together before they sorted for the right one, jamming it into the keyhole. The door opened with a creak. Kris stepped in and turned on the light, taking off their sweater vest and sitting on the couch. The human felt around for the remote control, and as they did, they briefly remembered the days where they’d all gathered around here way back when, huddled around the television.. It didn’t feel that long ago, even with the knowledge that a decade had passed since.
Then, they remembered how Noelle would be there right next to them.
Kris's vision clouded as the dam they’d been struggling to keep in finally broke. They didn’t even know where she was right now. For fucks sake, they didn’t even know if she was even alive right now. They didn’t have the right to cry about it. Who the fuck did they think they were, anyway?
They raised up their arm to wipe the tears from their eyes, slightly wetting their sleeve. Kris set the remote they’d finally found back down on the couch. Not the greatest time for late night TV, they thought. They dragged themselves off the couch. Sleeping it off was a viable option – though they questioned how much sleep they’d even manage to obtain, anyway. They made their way to their bedroom finally, closing the door behind them and dropping their backpack onto the floor as they fell onto their bed. They weren’t able to cry as much as they thought they would just a few seconds ago. Figures that they were able to patch things up real quick.
Kris didn’t bother to change as they tried to lay down. When they did, though, they were quickly reminded of the state of their arm, feeling a stinging discomfort that radiated down to their elbow when they tried to lay on their side. They groaned and turned to the other side a little awkwardly, now facing towards the window.
For some reason, it felt like they’d lived through this before.
Before Kris had the chance to properly dose off, they heard a knock at their window. As quickly as they’d gotten into bed, they jumped out of it to see someone on the other side.
“Hello?” Noelle’s voice was muffled on the other side of the window. They felt their heart beating out of their chest, but the only thing they could manage to do was freeze in place as they stared back at Noelle, now at the edge of their bed.
Kris felt a knot in their throat as she opened the window, her head peaking through before their eyes met. They looked at Noelle in disbelief. The suit she’d worn – the white skirt with the warm-pink pantyhose and cloak — was now dampened by the rain. She looked like an angel. Maybe she was. They were only able to mumble out a strained “Noelle” as they stumbled towards her. She almost ran towards them before stopping in her tracks to hold Kris by the side of their arms, tears streaming down her face.
“Kris!” she cried out, “Oh my goodness, Kris, did they hurt you? Oh my goodness.” Noelle held Kris in an embrace as tears streamed down her face, “I messed up. I messed up so bad,” she started, “Please tell me you’re okay.”
Kris couldn’t believe what was happening. Truly they couldn’t really believe what was happening right now. More importantly, though, they couldn’t understand why she was apologizing. “I..” They started before they stiffened up, removing themself from Noelle's grasp, “I’m alright.” Their voice was still strained, eyes a bit puffy from when they’d manage to cry a bit earlier.
It was silent between the both of them. They both stared at the other until Noelle spoke, “Sorry for going through…there.” Noelle looked down, ashamed, “It’s disrespectful of me, I couldn’t find you anywhere – this was the last place I wanted to look.” She stepped back, “It’s okay if you never want to see me ever again after—”
“Noelle.” They interjected, a bit louder – yet a bit less strained this time, “You…” The words struggled to come out. “You—I just—” The knot they’d tried to swallow down pushed itself back up. Instead of speaking, all they could do was bury their head in their hands as they trembled. Noelle wordlessly reached her hand towards them. She hesitated as elected to hold them close to her before she felt tears flow out, more than she would’ve liked them to in the moment. Kris broke away from her hug once more. “Are you okay?”
“Kris, it doesn’t matter,” Noelle whispered out as she sniffled, “It doesn’t matter. I’m made for this.” she continued. “I’m strong, it’s okay–”
“It’s not okay!” Kris interjected as tears were still streaming down Noelle’s face after she said what she did. Was she trying to convince Kris or herself? “You nearly got killed, Noelle!” They couldn’t get anything else out, the words all jammed and knotted together in their mind. And now they’d raised their voice at her. Why was this so hard? Why was keeping that promise so damn hard for them?
Noelle interlocked her hands between Kris's, “You’re safe. That’s all that matters to me.”
Kris knew that Noelle was trying to comfort them. In her own self denigrating way. In the only way that someone with a life like hers would know how. But they felt everything but comfort in that moment. They suddenly jerked away from Noelle, feeling their arm sting from the sudden movement, “I can’t…you don’t even feel a little bit upset?”
Noelle was silent as she looked down, holding her hands together. She looked back at Kris a few moments later, “There’s nobody to blame for this but myself. It’s not your fault, it’s mine.”
“I don’t know what I’m supposed to do, Noelle.” They started, “The one thing I can do for you is to protect you, yet the only thing I’ve done is forced you to run around worrying about my own life instead of yours. All I’m doing is poisoning your life. You don’t need that from anyone, let alone from someone like me.”
“Someone like…what?!” She started, “You’re not poison, you’re not a burden, you’re you, Kris” She tugged on Kris' sweater before they swiped their arm away from her. Noelle gasped as they did, causing Kris to feel that pang of guilt they’d been trying desperately to ignore to flood back in. They couldn’t bear to look at her anymore. The only thing they’d managed to do was make everything worse, they thought.
They turned around, averting their gaze from Noelle to the window. The rain had cleared, and the only thing left in the sky were the stars above. They were far from the city now, so they could clearly see the radiant night sky. They crossed their arms, their breath hitching slightly as they finally got the courage to say what they’d been struggling to since the first time this happened months ago. “The last time…” they mumbled. “The last time I saw Dess…she was here.” They continued. “I can barely remember it. It feels like the entire day was crossed out of my mind until recently, maybe I just made it up, who knows.” They scratched at their sleeves again, “But, I remember she saw me watching the TV, and before she left, she told me to protect you.” Their head slinked down, the weight that was on their shoulders immediately released, “I didn’t know what it meant. I couldn’t understand it.” Their usually mumbly voice shook, “But now I do.” Kris turned around, which stopped Noelle in her tracks, “It was me who fucked up, Noelle.” Kris turned to Noelle, their eyes irritated still. They sniffled. Noelle couldn’t tell if it was just her imagination or not, but in that moment she saw the faintest outline of a smile on their face. It disappeared just as quickly. “I can’t live in your world. I want to but I can’t.”
Noelle was speechless. It was a lot to process at once. Her heart was pounding out of her chest. She tried to step towards Kris. She tried to think of anything. Maybe they could go to the diner. They could talk about it. It didn’t need to mean that they’d have to part ways. It couldn’t meanthat. Whatever it was, it wasn't their fault. It wasn’t anyone’s fault. “Kris– You didn’t…” Noelle’s hands balled themselves up into fists, “Stop blaming yourself for all of this!” She yelled out, “I hate when you do this! I hate it so much! ”Her yelling entwined with her sobbing as her breath hitched, “You’re the only normal thing I have left I can’t—you can’t just say that about yourself. You can’t just devalue yourself like this and expect me to be okay with it!” Noelle fell to the ground with a thud, her arms falling completely, “ Why couldn’t you have just told me?” She buried her head in her hands as she curled over, her cupped hands muffling her speech, “I can’t lose you.” She whimpered, “I can’t, I can’t, I can't."
Kris walked towards Noelle. They felt as though their body was being dragged around as they stumbled. None of this felt real. They could still taste the apple cider that they’d been drinking together at the back of their throat. They could still feel their arm sting from the blow they’d taken in order to protect Noelle. They crouched down next to her, their expression blank and empty. Everything had been wrung out of them like water from a rag.
“How does this work?” Noelle’s voice was now just as strained as Kris’, “How am I supposed to work this out?”
Kris didn’t respond.
“I guess that’s the answer.”