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Cheng Xiaoshi was home alone, standing on a chair with a noose rope tied to the ceiling. Lu Guang had gone out to get groceries, and he saw the opportunity and seized it. Everything was too much lately. Lu Guang had been acting differently, ever since they got home from Bridon. He tried not to overthink it, the whole trip had been a lot, but he couldn’t help it. His mom had said they’d come home ‘one day,’ and god only knows when ‘one day’ would be. Lu Guang would probably leave sooner or later, too, and that was just something he really didn’t think he could handle. Not a second time.

He felt…nervous almost. He knew Lu Guang would probably be the one to find him, unless Qiao Ling decided to come by. He hated himself for doing this to him, but he figured he’d probably get over it quickly. If his own parents didn’t care enough to stick around, why would he expect anyone else to care if he died? With that thought, he took a breath, and kicked over the chair he was standing on. For just a moment, he felt weightless.

He’d looked it up before, and, apparently, it was a panic instinct for someone's body to fight being hung. But, with the chair gone, there was no way for him to catch himself. He guessed, he probably hadn’t chosen the best spot, the other end of the rope tied to the light fixture, or it was his shitty luck, because with all the jerking, and his own weight, the lighting fixture crashed to the ground, along with him. All of this happened at the precise moment the front door opened, the automatic voice announcing the arrival, and who else would it have been, but Lu Guang?

Lu Guang had an odd feeling in his stomach as he walked in. After announcing he was home, he heard no response. “Babe?” he called, seeing his partner wasn’t sitting in his usual spot in the sunroom. He rushed upstairs, forcing the door open, only to find Cheng Xiaoshi lying on the floor with a noose around his throat and the light fixture broken from the ceiling, glass and wood scattered across the floor. His heart skipped a beat. Immediately, he felt like he was going to throw up. After all the trouble he’d gone through trying to save Cheng Xiaoshi, he couldn’t save him from himself. He rushed and knelt at his partner’s side, quickly untying the noose. He gripped the other man’s wrist, feeling for a pulse. Both of their hearts were racing. “Cheng Xiaoshi!” he shouted, holding onto his lover. He pulled out his phone and dialed the emergency line with shaking hands. 

“Cheng Xiaoshi… please, please be okay,” he said, a sob in his throat. “I need you, please, I can’t do this without you, I tried so hard, I’m sorry, I’m sorry I was never enough,” he said, supporting his partner’s head as he waited for the ambulance. 

– – 

It had been two weeks since Cheng Xiaoshi was rushed to the hospital. They called every day, but their conversations were awkward and nervous, as though the two were afraid to speak to each other, as though things would never go back to normal. Lu Guang did not visit even once, and he felt guilty for it, but he couldn’t bring himself to face Cheng Xiaoshi.

He’d gotten a call from the hospital. Cheng Xiaoshi was ready to be picked up. He was to be discharged, with a safety plan. It didn’t feel real. Lu Guang had been grieving him while he was alive. He’d been smoking cigarettes every day. It was warm outside, but he wore an oversized sweatshirt and a pair of his partner’s jeans. He’d been using a rental car the past few weeks to get to the part time job he picked up, and he got in to head towards the hospital.

The whole drive, his mind was swimming. He blamed himself for what happened. He should’ve been more attentive, more caring, a better boyfriend– no matter what he did, it was never enough. His chest felt heavy. He was almost nervous to see his partner. He did miss him, he missed hearing his snoring at night, he missed his jokes, he missed cuddling on the couch, but everything felt different since the suicide attempt. Facing him again, after failing him so badly that he nearly took his own life, felt like one of the scariest things in the world. He drove slowly, hands shaking as he went. His mind was a blur between grief and anxiety. He imagined things going back to normal, welcome home Cheng Xiaoshi, Qiao Ling over with a cake as they celebrated his return. But he knew it wouldn’t be like that. He knew it wouldn’t be normal. 

His heart sank as he pulled into the hospital’s parking lot. His hands shook on the keys as he parked and unfastened his seat belt. He closed his eyes, a tear streaming down his face, but he wiped it away and braced himself to face the one he loved so dearly. He thought to himself, maybe none of this would’ve happened if they’d never met.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _

Cheng Xiaoshi had been, officially, declared ‘no longer a danger to himself or others,’ and was free to go. Safety plan and all. Though, really, he didn’t know if he was more excited, or nervous, to see Lu Guang again. He’d been there two weeks and, he hadn’t seen his partner since that day. Not even once. He tried not to let it bother him, they called everyday anyways, and he couldn’t really expect Lu Guang to want to see him after that. Why would he want to, anyway? He shook his head at that, he couldn’t think like that. Everything would be fine, he told himself. Lu Guang would come and pick him up and hug him and everything would be fine. It had to be. He needed it to be. He took a deep breath, putting on his shoes, he was allowed laces, since he was leaving anyway, and left the room he’d been staying in, and made his way to the front desk. 

Lu Guang entered the building, shivering as the cool air conditioner blew at him. He awkwardly tugged at his sleeves, feeling small in his sweatshirt, anxiously pushing the elevator button and heading to the front desk. His heart dropped in his chest when he laid eyes on his partner. He looked like a deer in the headlights. Flashbacks flooded his mind as he pictured himself, holding onto his unconscious partner when he found him with a noose around his neck. His hands shook, but he forced himself to walk forward. “I’m his roommate,” he told the woman working the front desk. He didn’t look his partner in the eyes. He wanted to put his arms around the other and hold him close, but something stopped him, like a force pulling him back, like a voice in his head telling him things could never be the same and he’d already screwed up this timeline.

When Lu Guang wouldn’t even look at him, let alone hug him, Cheng Xiaoshi felt a heavy weight in his chest. It was only made worse when Lu Guang referred to him as his roommate. Was that all they were now? Really, who could he blame but himself? Secretly, a part of him distantly wished it’d worked. He took a breath, before nodding, “Yeah, he’s my roommate,” he said, though the words felt bitter on his tongue. He didn’t know what to do with himself, shifting awkwardly next to the other. He didn’t know what to say, what could he say? He could tell just by looking at him, that Lu Guang wasn’t okay. Cheng Xiaoshi wasn’t stupid, he knew it was hot outside, but Lu Guang had on a sweatshirt. He already knew what that meant, and it made the weight in his chest grow heavier. It was his fault, it was all his fault. He didn’t deserve Lu Guang, he knew that, maybe Lu Guang finally realized that too. Maybe he was only picking him up out of a feeling of obligation, or something. Maybe, once they were home, Lu Guang really would leave. He’s certain he’d deserve it. Finally, he can’t take the silence anymore, and turns to the other. He doesn’t meet his eyes, because if Lu Guang didn’t want that, who was he to force it? “Do you want to leave?” he asked, finally.

Lu Guang felt like crying. He felt the same weight Cheng Xiaoshi did. The silence was killing him too, but he barely knew what to say. “We can go anywhere you’d like,” he said quietly. He hesitated, breath shaking. He honestly felt like he was going to cry, but that was the last thing he wanted to do in front of Cheng Xiaoshi. He hesitated a long while as they began to walk out of the building, but finally found the nerve to reach for his partner’s hand. He knew his hands were clammy and shaky, but he needed to feel his partner’s warmth, even if things couldn’t go back to normal. Without thinking, he pressed his thumb to the taller man’s wrist, as though checking for a pulse. Feeling nauseous, he let out a breath and bit down on his lip. There was so much he wanted to say, to express, but he knew he couldn’t let the words slip out. There was an uncomfortable silence between them. He held Cheng Xiaoshi’s hand like it was glass. Finally, with a shaky voice, he spoke the words, “I missed you.”

Cheng Xiaoshi felt like he was on autopilot. He didn’t know where he wanted to go home, he wanted to delay the inevitable as long as he possibly could. He wanted to pretend everything was fine for as long as he was allowed. “I don’t want to go home yet,” he said, his voice quiet. He froze for just a moment when Lu Guang held his hand, but it didn't feel as reassuring to him as he’d hoped. He could feel how shaky Lu Guang’s hands were, and, without thinking, said, “I’ll drive, if you want,” he said, only barely looking at him out of the corner of his eye. “You drove all the way here, I won’t make you drive me around too.” He tried to keep his voice carefully even, telling himself over and over in his head that it was fine, everything would be fine. He was just being dramatic. He was pulled out of his thoughts by Lu Guang speaking. Part of him didn't believe it, but he didn’t say that out loud. “I missed you too,” he said, quietly. 

When they stepped into the parking lot, Lu Guang nodded. “Okay, anywhere you’d like,” he murmured. He was a bit nervous about letting his partner, fresh out of the hospital, drive a vehicle, but he knew he owed his partner at least that. He opened his mouth to speak, then shut it, unable to get the words out. He felt dizzy, and honestly just wanted to smoke a cigarette and forget his problems, but he needed to be there for his partner. He knew he wasn’t really there all along. As they made their way back to the car, Lu Guang let Cheng Xiaoshi take the front seat. He handed over the keys, dropping his partner’s hand. Guilt and pain were eating him alive. He was visibly tense all over, and could barely bring himself to look at the other. “Cheng Xiaoshi,” he finally said. “I’m sorry, I’m really sorry I let this all happen,” he said. “I’m sorry I didn’t visit, I’m sorry I didn’t realize how bad you were hurting, I’m sorry I let it get to this point, I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you, and if you resent me, if you don’t want to speak again after this, I understand. It’s my fault.” After speaking, he couldn’t stop his tears from flowing. “You really scared me, you know?”

Cheng XIaoshi took the keys as they got into the car, he couldn't help but feel almost empty, as Lu Guang dropped his hand, but he didn’t say anything about it. Lu Guang didn’t deserve to put up with his shit even more, not when it was his fault Lu Guang wasn’t okay. He blinked slightly when the other said his name, looking over at him but still not meeting his eyes. He’d stayed quiet as the other spoke, not quite starting the car yet. He wanted to cry himself, but he forced himself not to. This was his fault, Lu Guang was this upset because of him. He shook his head as the other apologized, “Please, please don’t apologize,” he said, quietly. “You didn’t do anything wrong Lu, it’s my fault, it was my own decision,” he said, trying his best to keep his voice even, “I know you relapsed, I know it’s my fault, I don’t want you to apologize to me, i’m the one that needs to be sorry, for putting you through that.” He bites at the inside of his cheek, “You weren’t obligated to visit me, I know you probably didn’t want to see me after that, I’m not mad at you for that, or anything,” he said. He paused then, his voice quieter when he spoke, “I could never resent you, not when you didn’t do anything wrong, it was my fault, and my decision, I'm the one that hurt you. I’ll always want you, but if you want to leave after this, I have no one to blame but myself, I know that,” he said. “I’m sorry I scared you,” he added, softly.

Lu Guang listened to him, but anger and self hatred continued to boil under his skin. He didn’t say anything for a long time, finally looking straight at Cheng Xiaoshi. “You fucking idiot,” Lu Guang muttered, but there was no heat behind the words. He carefully placed a hand on his shoulder. “It wasn’t your fault either, none of it was, but I don’t think you have any idea what I’ve been feeling,” he said. “It’s not your fault I relapsed, I relapsed because I fucking hate myself, and no matter what I do, I can’t save you, can I?” he said. “I love you, you fucking idiot, I love you so much it hurts, I wanted to visit you, I was agonizing over it every single day, not being near you was fucking torture, I just…” He paused, unable to hide his tears. “I was scared. I blamed myself over and over again. I knew that if things were different, if I’d never taken you to Bridon, maybe if you’d never met me, maybe none of this would’ve happened,” he said. “I don’t think you have any idea how lost I’d be without you, please, never do this again,” he said. “I’m sorry, Cheng Xiaoshi, I’m really sorry,” he said. “I hate that you hurt so bad, I hate that you blame yourself, I hate that you didn’t feel like you could talk to me, I hated our awkward phone calls where we barely knew how to speak to each other,” he said. “When I saw you, lying there, with that noose around your neck, I just thought… things may never be the same,” he said. He rubbed his eyes. “Drive. Anywhere you want, just drive. I hate this stupid hospital smell. Please.”

Cheng Xiaoshi didn’t say anything as Lu Guang spoke, he really, really hated to admit it, but it all just makes him feel worse. He did this. He hurt Lu Guang, and he couldn’t make himself believe that it wasn’t his fault. Because really, who else’s fault could it be? He’d ruined everything, just like he always did. He knew it was his fault, and he knew Lu Guang was probably only saying it wasn't because he blamed himself.  Which Cheng Xiaoshi only saw as another thing that was all his fault. He didn’t know what to say, or how to say it, without breaking down, but he spoke anyway, “I’m sorry,” he said, finally. “I know you keep saying it isn’t my fault but…if I hadn’t done it, none of this would have happened either. I love you, more than anything, and I'm really, really sorry I hurt you,” he said. It took everything in him not to cry, to him, he didn’t have the right to. Not now, not in front of Lu Guang. “I won’t do it again, I promise,” he said, quietly. He paused, then he knew he probably shouldn’t say it, but, it came out anyways, “It would’ve happened sooner, if we never met,” he said, quietly. “I don’t think you know you’re really, all I have.” He said. “There’s QIao Ling, of course, but she has a life, I can’t expect her to be there all the time,” he said. “After Bridon, I thought you were going to leave,” he said. He shakes his head then, “Please, don’t apologize to me, you didn’t do anything wrong, Lu. None of it was your fault, and I’ll say that until you believe me. It was my fault and mine alone, you didn’t do anything wrong,” he said. “I’m sorry, for everything, for dragging you to Bridon, for….all of this, I’m sorry I scared you,” he said, quietly. Maybe things wouldn’t be the same, maybe Lu Guang would never want to be near him again. He nods slightly then, “Okay,” he said, his voice quiet as he started the car, pulling out of the parking lot.

Lu Guang went quiet for a while, hands folded in his lap as his partner started to drive. Everything hurt deep inside. He watched the road as the two drove together. “I know you’re hurting, Cheng Xiaoshi,” he said quietly. “I wish I could make things better for you, I wish everything would be okay, but those two weeks killed me inside. I’m– I’m glad you’re doing well enough to get discharged, and now I really wish I had visited you,” he said. “I love you,” he whispered, staring out the window. “I love you so much, I hope you know that,” he said. “I don’t want your apologies, I don’t want you to continue blaming yourself, I just want things to be okay,” he said. “And they will. We will be okay. It might take a while, but we have to be okay.” He paused for a moment, closing his eyes. “When I saw that noose around your neck, I really thought I lost you. I thought I lost everything. You’re my home, you’re the love of my life, please, Cheng Xiaoshi, please just talk to me when you feel like this,” he said. “I knew you’d go to Bridon alone if I hadn’t gone, and I knew something bad would happen. I’m sorry I let you go at all,” he said. “Qiao Ling loves you, I love you, please, just, get that through your head. You mean everything to me. I know I don’t express that well, but you really are my world.” He shifted in his seat to face the other. “Remember what you said when we met? How precious it is to be with trustworthy partners in our life? I need my trustworthy partner, I need you,” he said. “We’ll go for a drive, stay out as late as you want, do whatever you want, but I want to go home with you tonight, okay?” he said. It felt selfish, but he needed to fall asleep with his partner next to him. “So tell me… be honest. How have you been?”

Cheng Xiaoshi stayed quiet as they drove, not filling the silence like he usually would. He thought, anything he could have said, just wouldn’t feel right. So, he chose to not say anything, keeping his eyes on the road. He didn’t say anything as Lu Guang spoke, he didn’t feel right saying he was ‘hurting,’ when he’d already hurt Lu Guang so much. He didn’t think he could ever forgive himself for that. He didn’t know what else to say but I’m sorry, he didn’t think anything else would be appropriate, if he could think of anything else. He wished everything could be okay, too. But, thanks to him, that would probably never be possible again. Finally, he spoke, carefully, “I don’t think I can stop blaming myself,” he said, quietly. “I love you, I love you more than anything, and that's why I can't help but blame myself, for all of this. When I know you’ve been doing so badly because of me,” he said. “I hope things can be okay,” he said, quietly. He didn’t know what he’d do if they weren’t. He was quiet for a moment, “I’m really sorry I scared you, Lu,” he said, quietly, “I’ll…I’ll talk to you next time, I promise,” he said. He paused at that, “I wouldn’t go if you didn’t want me to,” he said, quietly. “If you really didn’t want me to, if you told me you had a bad feeling, I’d believe you,” he said. “I know I’m stubborn, and I don’t listen, but…I trust you more than I’ve ever trusted anyone, I’m sorry I convinced you to go,” he said. He went quiet for a moment, before speaking, “You’re my world too, you know? I…I need you too, I don’t know what I’d do without you,” he said, quietly. He paused for a moment at that, and before he could stop himself, he said, “you still want to go home with me?” he asked, and he sort of hates how surprised he sounds. “....Really?” he asked, softly. Because truly, part of him thought he’d be sleeping alone, again, and forever probably. He paused at the question, he didn’t really know how to answer that, he didn’t feel ‘okay’ exactly, but he didn’t know how to explain that. “I…I don’t know,” he said, “They said I’m not a danger anymore so, whatever that means,” he said. He paused for a moment, “I just missed you,” he said, quietly. “Honestly, you’re the only reason I really…tried that hard there, I just wanted to see you, and I thought, I’d see you, and you’d hug me and everything would be okay again,” he said, quietly. “I didn’t want to disappoint you,” he said. “I know I was just…lying to myself, thinking anything could be fine after that,” he said as he let out a shaky breath. “I’m sorry, if I did disappoint you,” he added, quietly.

Lu Guang pursed his lips, letting out a soft sigh. “I don’t blame you,” he said softly. “Honestly, it wasn’t anyone’s fault, you know? I just wish you’d never felt that way,” he said. “If I could take all your pain and give it to myself, I would. I never want to see you like that again,” he said. “You can talk to me anytime, wake me up, call me, anything, I just need you here,” he said. “And of course I still want to go home with you. I honestly have barely slept these past two weeks without you. If it’s alright… I want to sleep in your bed with you tonight,” he managed to say. “I’m sorry I didn’t hug you, I just felt complicated, I really wanted to, but I felt guilty,” he explained. “It’s going to be okay, we’ll make it okay, just you and me,” he said reassuringly. “You never disappoint me, you know?” he said. “I know it doesn’t feel fine now, but we’ll make it okay. I’ll be right by your side.” He leaned over and pressed a kiss to his partner’s cheek, feeling his partner lean into it. “There’s a convenience store about a mile from here, why don’t we stop and get some snacks? Anything you want, I’m sure you’re sick of hospital food.”

“I know you don’t,” he said, pausing for a second, “that almost makes me feel worse, even if it was undeniably my fault, I know you wouldn’t blame me either way,” he said. He shook his head at that, “I can’t agree with that,” he said, quietly. “I wouldn't want that, I hate making you suffer because of me. I’m sorry I upset you so much,” he said. He nodded slightly at that then, “I’ll try, I promise, I won’t do that again,” he said. “We can do whatever you wanna do Lu, I promise, it’s alright with me,” he said. He shook his head at that, “you don’t have to apologize to me, and you don’t owe me an explanation, I don't blame you for not doing it,” he said. “If you’re sure,” he said, quietly. Really, part of him still couldn’t believe Lu Guang wanted to stick around for him, but he tried not to think about it too much. “We can stop if you want to, I don't mind,” he said.

Lu Guang could feel the tears from earlier still stinging behind his eyes. “Sorry,” is all he could manage to whisper in response. He didn’t want Cheng Xiaoshi to blame himself, but of course he would, of course he’d take the burden on himself like he always does. “‘S’not your fault, really,” he said. “I’d suffer the worst of fates if it meant you stayed by my side,” he said under his breath. He held his breath for a long time, unsure of what else to say, he desperately wanted to take Cheng Xiaoshi into his arms that very second, but he looked at his partner like shattered glass, afraid to pick up the pieces. He shook his head. “I’m sorry,” he said again. He couldn’t take a future without the other in it, but the future now looked shaky and unstable. He looked out the window, away from his partner’s eyes, away from everything as he stared off at the grass on the side of the road. “I want you to get something to eat,” he finally said. “Anything you want,” he added. “Then maybe, we could go to a park nearby, we can just sit and talk about anything you want.”

Cheng Xiaoshi was quiet for a moment at that, he hated himself even more for upsetting him, again. He shook his head, “Please, don’t apologize, I’m sorry, for everything,” he said. He didn’t say anything to that, afraid he’d just make Lu Guang more upset, and he didn’t want to lie to him and say he wouldn’t blame himself either. “I don’t want that, I don’t want you to be with me just to suffer because of it, that isn’t fair to you,” he said, quietly. Maybe he was being too honest, he shook his head again, “Don’t apologize Lu, you didn’t do anything wrong at all, I promise,” he said. He was certain he’d, probably, ruined everything. Lu Guang would never look at him the same way again, and he couldn’t blame anyone but himself. He nodded slightly at that, “Okay, I’ll stop when we get there,” he said, softly. He stayed quiet after that for a long time, he didn't want to say anything else, anything that would just end up making his partner feel worse than he’d already made him feel. Once he spotted the convenience store, a mile later, he pulled into the parking lot.

“I don’t want an apology,” Lu Guang said without looking at him. “I don’t want you to apologize to me, I don’t want you to feel sorry for yourself, I just want things to be okay, and I know they’re not,” he said. Finally, he snapped his head back around. “It’s not like that. I don’t suffer because I’m with you, I suffer because at any moment, I could lose you, and I can’t take the idea of you not being near,” he said. “If you don’t want me to suffer, don’t go. Keep living, keep trying, don’t give up on yourself, please.” His eyes were reddened at this point, staring daggers straight at his partner. “I never want to lose you again,” he said quietly. He watched the other, his heart sinking deeper. He honestly wished he was dead himself. After a long moment of silence between them, he said, “Okay.” Nothing else until they pulled into the lot. Once they arrived, he waited for his partner to step out of the car, before stepping out after him, then taking him by the wrist without a word, feeling his pulse for his only chance at reassurance. 

Cheng Xiaoshi was quiet at that, he didn’t know what to say, he just wanted to apologize again, but he knew that would only make things worse. “I want things to be okay too,” he said, quietly. He hated himself for being the reason they weren’t okay. “I won’t go anywhere, I promise,” he said, his voice quiet. He just felt, more and more guilty, it was his fault, all of this was, no matter how much Lu Guang insisted it wasn’t, he couldn’t think of any other reason. “You won’t lose me, Lu, I promise, it won’t happen again,” he said, softly. He wanted to go back in time and just pretend this never happened. Theoretically, he could. He could pretend he’d never screwed everything up forever. He shook his head at that, he knew he shouldn’t think that way. He let Lu Guang take his wrist when they're out of the car, then started heading for the door to go inside, walking with the other.

Lu Guang didn’t drop his wrist for a second. Maybe it was clingy, but he couldn’t let go, even in front of the scarce customers in the store. “It’ll be fine,” he said passively, shaking his head. He didn’t say anything in response, images of his partner dying again and again flashing through his head. His expression darkened, even worse than before, and he couldn’t stop himself from shaking. He led the other to the cooler to grab a can of black coffee, then looked to his partner. “What do you want to get?” he asked, still not letting go. People were looking at them, he could feel it, but he couldn’t possibly care less about the judgment of others at the moment. He was on the brink of another panic attack, but he pretended to read the prices on the shelves. 

Cheng Xiaoshi followed him into the store, he didn’t say anything to that, he knew, realistically, he was still just making things worse the more he spoke. He let the other pull him to the cooler, “do you want anything else?” he asked. He could tell something was wrong, and, instead of wasting anymore time, he just grabbed the first thing he saw, a sleeve of saltines, “just this,” he said, “c’mon,” he said, quietly, before leading him to the counter to pay. It was his fault Lu Guang was so upset, the least he could do was get them out of there as soon as possible. After they were checked out, he led the other back out to the car, opening the passenger door for him, “c’mon, we can go to that park, like you wanted,” he said.

Lu Guang shook his head. “Let’s go,” he said. He glanced at his partner. “I was going to pay,” he said under his breath. Still, he followed without protest, not wanting to drop his hand when they got back to the car. He hesitated awkwardly, standing in front of the car for a long moment, before shaking his head and getting in, finally letting go. Letting go was like pulling teeth. He didn’t want Cheng Xiaoshi apart from him for even a second. His heart was racing, but he kept an icy exterior. “Okay,” was all he could manage to say. He took long, shaky breaths, staring at the other like he’d disappear at any moment. “Unless you don’t want to, we don’t have to,” he added in a hushed tone. “I… I don’t care what we do,” he said, half a lie.

“Don’t worry about it,” Cheng Xiaoshi said as they left the store. He stood there with him, not saying anything either. Nothing he could think of sounded appropriate to say at the moment, so he decided on saying nothing. Really, he didn’t want to be away from the other for even a moment, but he felt like he’d screwed that up. He got in the car then, starting it and pulling out of the parking lot. “I’m not going anywhere Lu, I promise,” he said softly, his chest feeling heavier with guilt, but he didn’t say that outloud. He shook his head at that, “no, we can,” he said. “I don’t want to go home yet anyways, we can do whatever you want to, I promise,” he said. The nearest park wasn’t that far away, he parked when they arrived, turning the car off. He sat awkwardly for a moment, before speaking, “do you want to get out? Or just sit in here?” he asked.

“I am worried about it. I didn’t want you spending money on me when you just got out of the hospital. I’ll pay you back when we get home. I mean it,” he said. His gaze was heavy, with guilt and anguish and fear all at once. “I don’t believe you,” he said, shaking his head. “I’ve already lost you,” he said vaguely, not willing to explain more. He’d watched his partner die countless times now. How was this so different? Maybe after this, he’d start from scratch, go back to before Bridon, and stop everything from there. This timeline was already too far off course. “I don’t care about what I want to do,” he said, but didn’t protest as they pulled into the parking lot. “Let’s get out, maybe fresh air will help, and it’s pretty empty this time of night,” he said with a faux-nonchalant shrug. He was well aware of how unreasonable he was being, but he could hardly control it– everything already felt well beyond control. Without waiting for a response, he got out of the car, and walked over to stand near Cheng Xiaoshi’s side.

“I’m not taking your money,” Cheng Xiaoshi said, shaking his head. He was quiet at that for a moment, maybe he had officially ruined things for good. When didn’t he, though? If he was being honest with himself. “I’ll do anything to make it up to you, then,” he said, quietly, “You won’t lose me again, I promise, I’ll spend the rest of my life proving that to you, if I have to,” he said. Maybe Lu Guang did want to leave, maybe he was just pretending and humoring him until they weren’t in public anymore. He wouldn’t blame him for it, honestly, if he had the choice, he wouldn’t stay with himself either. “I care what you want to do,” he said. He nodded slightly at that, “Okay, whatever you want,” he said, quietly. He sat for a moment when Lu Guang got out of the car, taking a deep, shaky breath, before getting out himself. He knew he could only stall for so long, he might as well make the most of it while he could. 

“Then I’ll buy you and Qiao Ling boba tomorrow,” Lu Guang said, furrowing his brow. His chest heaved, breath coming out as a wheeze. He waited until the other stepped out. “I can’t do this,” he said, shaking his head. “I don’t need you to make anything up to me, I don’t need you to prove anything– I honestly don’t know what the fuck I need,” he said. “I just…. I can’t do this without you,” he said. “I’m scared, Cheng Xiaoshi, I’m so fucking scared, and I want to go back, I want to stop everything that’s happened, I know I can’t change things, but why…?” he said. “Why did you do this?” he asked abruptly, the question echoing a bit. He took a step closer. “Stop saying that. It’s not whatever I want. You’ve been going along with everything, driving my rental car so I don’t have to, being so passive and unlike yourself, I don’t get it. It’s not ‘whatever I want,’ I honestly don’t know what I want,” he said. “What happened to you?”

“You don’t have to do that, really,” Cheng Xiaoshi said. He froze for a moment at that, “I’m sorry-” he said, quietly. He didn’t say anything as Lu Guang spoke, not wanting to cut him off. He paused for a moment, “I’m sorry I scared you,” he said, “I know you’re going to say you don’t want me to apologize, but I am, you deserve an apology,” he said. “I wouldn’t blame you, if you wanted to go back,” he said, quietly. He paused at the question, before shaking his head, “I don’t want to make you feel worse than you already do, I know you’ll blame yourself,” he said. He stared at him for a moment, hesitant, before speaking, "It's the least I can do, I know i fucked up, i know i fucked everything up, I always do. I’m making you feel worse because of a stupid decision I made, and you don’t deserve that. The least I can do is drive after you picked me up from the mental hospital. I don’t care what I want, I just-want to fix this. I know I have no right to want that, I know I don't deserve that, or you, so I just-want to make it up to you. Because you deserve better.”

Lu Guang stared at him, no longer able to suppress his tears. This had to be the umpteenth time he’d lost his shit today. He didn’t even acknowledge the apology, how could he? He was the one making Cheng Xiaoshi feel guilty for everything. Even if it did hurt, it wasn’t fair. “I deserve an explanation. Tell me, please, so if it ever happens again, I can stop it,” he said. He stared as his partner spoke, shaking more and more with every word. It hurt so unbelievably bad; everything hurt. “Cheng Xiaoshi…” he started to say, but he couldn’t take it anymore. He stepped closer, then pulled the other into a tight embrace, holding onto him desperately. “You didn’t fuck everything up,” he said softly, hot tears melting into his partner’s shirt. “You deserve better too, I’m sorry,” he said. “I love you, I really do, but you don’t have to agree to everything to make it up to me. Just… make it up to me by being you.” He gripped the soft fabric of the dark-haired boy’s t-shirt, holding on tight. “I don’t want you to act like someone you’re not just to please me, I want you to be you because I fell in love with you. You’re my best friend and the love of my life. I never said it before, but I owe you that much now. I’m sorry I’m such a mess, but the thought of losing you… I can’t lose you, and I’m scared of things changing, I’m so sorry, for everything.”

Cheng Xiaoshi hated himself more for making Lu Guang cry, he didn’t know how to stop just, making everything worse. He didn’t want to say why, he knew he would just make everything worse, but not saying why would make everything worse, too. He would either way. “I thought you would leave after we got back from Bridon,” he said, finally, voice quiet. “You were-being, different, and distant, and I just, spiraled, I thought you were going to leave me too,” he said, finally. He froze for a moment when the other hugged him, then hesitantly hugged the other back. He shook his head, “you don’t have to be sorry for anything,” he said, quietly. He ran his fingers through his hair gently. “I love you, more than anything,” he said. He nodded slightly at that, “I’ll do anything to make it up to you, anything you need, I promise,” he said, quietly. “You’re my best friend and the love of my life too, you don’t owe me anything Lu, I promise. And you don’t have anything to be sorry for,” he said, holding him tighter. “You won’t lose me, I know you don’t believe me, and I know that’s my fault, but I’ll do anything to make you believe me again, you don’t have to be sorry for anything at all, Lu, I promise.”

Lu Guang rubbed his eyes, staring up at him. “You thought I’d leave?” he said. “I know I told you I’d stay as long as I could, that I couldn’t promise forever, but I wasn’t going to leave you,” he said. “I never should have acted different, or distant, it’s just– complicated,” he said. “I think I was afraid of losing you in Bridon, too,” he said, which hurt to say. He’d already lost Cheng Xiaoshi several times. But something about this time felt different. He’d worked so hard, he did everything he could, Cheng Xiaoshi was right here, still alive, still breathing. “Just make it up to me by being here, by being you, okay?” he said, expressing the words again. “All I want is you, I don’t want someone who is going to do everything I say, I want my stubborn, reckless, idiotic boyfriend, I just want you,” he said. “I know I can’t keep you forever, but for now, please stay,” he said. 

Cheng Xiaoshi hesitated for a moment, nodding slightly, “yeah,” he said, quietly. He shook his head at that, “you could have, if you wanted to,” he said, shrugging slightly, “I wouldn’t have blamed you if you did,” he said. “You don’t owe me an explanation, Lu, a lot happened, I really don’t blame you,” he said, softly. “I’m sorry, for scaring you all the time,” he said, quietly. He didn’t know how to act normal, not now, but if it was what his partner wanted, he’d do anything to make it up to him. He nodded at that, “Okay, Lu, anything you want,” he said, softly, continuing to run his fingers through his hair. “I want you, too,” he said, quietly, “no matter what, I’ll want you forever, even when you decide you do want to leave, I’ll always love you, Lu, no matter what. I’ll always be here, I promise,” he said.

Lu Guang stared at him, then pulled him into a soft kiss, pressing his lips to the other’s, hand behind his ear cradling his head. “I’m not leaving,” he said seriously. “I don’t care what I could have done, I don’t want to leave,” he said. He stared up into his partner’s dark eyes, still holding onto him. “I was afraid, after what happened– when you were sedated, anything could’ve happened, and it flipped something in my brain,” he said, explaining anyway. Half explaining, at least. He couldn’t let his partner know this wasn’t the first time going to Bridon, but he could at least explain why he was scared. “You could’ve died back there. I wasn’t near. Something could’ve happened to you,” he said. “I don’t like the idea of losing you, but in my head, I already lost you, and I couldn’t face you,” he explained. “But now… after almost losing you again, I won’t take my eyes off of you,” he said. “I’m sorry I couldn’t face you, or hold you like this. But I want to. I always want to,” he said. “What I want is for you to get better, to start feeling and acting like yourself, I want my stubborn, reckless, idiotic partner. I want that big oaf that drives me crazy singing in his sleep. I want you, nothing else,” he said. “I don’t want to leave anytime soon, and I’ll always love you, too.”

Cheng Xiaoshi leaned into the kiss, holding onto the other tighter, “okay,” he said, softly, “if…if you’re sure.” He stayed quiet as the other spoke, he got it, he thought. But…it still made part of him ache. He leaned into the other more, practically clinging to him. He didn’t want to let go, some part of him still worried, maybe Lu Guang wouldn’t want to anymore, after this. “I’m sorry I scared you,” he said, quietly. He knew he didn’t want him to apologize but, he didn’t know what else to do, really. He hesitated for a moment, before speaking, "I almost thought you wouldn’t come,” he said, quietly. “That you’d just….leave while I was in there, and I’d messed everything up for good,” he admitted. “I don’t want to lose you, either, I’m always scared something will happen to you, too, or that I’ll mess up and you’ll get tired of me, too.” He shook his head a little then, “you don’t have to apologize,” he said. He paused for a moment then, burying his face against Lu Guang’s shoulder, “I…I don’t know how to, act normal, I guess?” he said, softly. “I don’t want you to leave at all,” he said, “I love you, more.”

Lu Guang nodded. He took a deep breath, trying to remain calm. Seeing Cheng Xiaoshi so upset made his chest feel heavy. Everything felt heavy. Maybe he’d messed up this timeline too, but he’d do anything to get it back. “Stop apologizing, I don’t want to hear it,” he said. He freezes at that– how could he leave? He embraced the other tighter. “You idiot, of course I came to pick you up. And I plan on going home with you, and staying there,” he said. “I wasn’t going to leave, and you couldn’t mess up for good if you tried. I know you, and I chose to be with you, and I’m not leaving just because things get bad,” he said. “Did hearing about your parents make things worse? Is that why you’re so afraid?” he asked suddenly. “I don’t know what that’s like… but I can imagine, with being left so young,” he said. “I’m trying to understand, so forgive me, but you know you can talk about that stuff, right?” he said. “I don’t want you to be afraid, and I don’t want to leave you alone, I’m right here, you’re right here, it has to be okay, somehow,” he said. “You don’t have to act normal. I’m not going to leave just because you’re having a hard time. I want to be with you every step of the way, until you feel like yourself again,” he said. He bit his lip. He didn’t know what would happen. He didn’t know how things would be different if he changed time “many times. Things had already spiraled out of control. But he wasn’t giving up, either. “I won’t leave,” he said. “Not unless you want me too. There are things I need to tell you someday, and I hope you’ll want to stay, too,” he said.

Cheng XIaoshi shook his head at that, huffing slightly, "I knew you’d say that,” he mumbled. Honestly, now, he felt kind of dumb for genuinely thinking Lu Guang wouldn’t come. “Pinkie promise?” He asked, quietly. “If you’re sure…I just, don’t wanna be too much, if this is too much, you know? I just, probably could mess up, eventually,” he said. He froze at the question for a moment, hesitating for a moment, before he spoke, “yeah,” he said, quietly. “I still don’t know why they left, not really, and I just…..it has to be my fault, right? Why else would they just, leave without saying anything? For so long,” he said, his voice cracking. He sniffed slightly, shaking his head, “no, don’t apologize, it’s okay,” he said, softly, “I know I can, It’s just…hard, I guess,” he said. “I don’t want you to leave me alone either,” he said, though, he knew it was probably selfish. He nodded slightly then, “we’ll be okay,” he said, quietly. He didn’t say anything for a moment, “Really?” he asked, “what if…what if you get tired of waiting for me?” he asked, almost hesitant. When Lu Guang paused, he felt, nervous. Then he shook his head, “Nothing could make me not want to stay with you,” he said. “No matter what you tell me, or when, i’ll never not want to stay, i’ll never want you to leave, ever.”

Lu Guang tilted his head slightly. “Okay, pinkie promise,” he said, holding his pinkie up to loop it around Cheng Xiaoshi’s. “Nothing you do could ever be too much for me,” he said in a quiet voice. “You mess up all the time, but you can’t mess us up,” he said. He squeezed his shoulders. “You were just a kid, it couldn’t be your fault,” he said. “They’re just… not good parents,” he said. “I’ve never understood why you’ve been so alone, I’ve always liked you, because you’re innocent, and honest, and you care a lot, more than anyone I know,” he said. “Your parents missed out on raising the most radiant person there is,” he said. “I know it’s easy to blame yourself for everything that happens, but none of this was your fault,” he said. “I’m sorry the truth about your parents wasn’t easy to take, it’s my bad for letting you go to Bridon to find out,” he said. “I won’t leave you alone, and I know Qiao Ling will always be with you, you’ll never be alone again,” he said. “We will be okay, I’m sure of it,” he agreed. He pressed a soft kiss to the taller man’s temple. “Then I’ll stay, too,” he said. He paused for a moment, looking up, finally feeling the wind in his hair. “It’s getting late now, look at the stars.”

Cheng Xiaoshi squeezed their pinkies, “you can’t break a pinkie promise,” he said, softly. “Nothing is a strong word,” he said, voice just as quiet. “Are you sure I can’t?” he asked. He shook his head at that, “It feels like it’s my fault,” he said, quietly. He frowned slightly then, he didn’t really think of his parents as bad parents, honestly. Realistically, he knew Lu Guang was right but….it was still hard to consider. He blinked slightly as Lu Guang continued, he didn’t think…anyone had ever said anything like that about him before. Suddenly, he leaned in to kiss the other again, he didn’t know what to say, not really so….he thought this would suffice. “I love you,” he said, quietly, “thank you, for…for staying, and not giving up on me,” he said, his voice shaky. “No one’s ever called me radiant before,” he said, quietly, his face slightly flushed. He shook his head at that, rubbing at his eyes with one hand, the other still holding onto his partner, “I’m glad you were with me, at least,” he said, quietly. He let out a shaky breath at that, nodding a little, even if he didn’t have his parents, at least Lu Guang and Qiao Ling would stay. “I love you, so so much,” he said, leaning into the kiss. “How’s Qiao Ling doing?” he asked, he knew he’d probably scared her, too. He blinked then, looking up at the sky, he was quiet for a moment, before speaking, “they’re pretty,” he said, quietly. Away from all the lights, the stars looked brighter tonight, almost.

Lu Guang nodded in response. “I won’t,” he said. “It’s a strong word because I mean it, there’s nothing you could do that would ever be too much for me, there’s nothing you could do that would make me want to leave you,” he said. “I’m sure you can’t, because I’d take any risk to keep you around,” he said. “It isn’t your fault, you wouldn’t say that about any other kid,” he said. “You were just a kid, there was nothing you could’ve done, they just weren’t ready to raise you, they needed to figure things out for themselves, and maybe they’ll come back one day, but either way, you’ll have me,” he said. He kissed him back, lingering for a long time pressed against his mouth, deepening the kiss and pulling him closer. When they pulled away, he looked back at him. “I love you, too,” he said. “I’d be caught dead before ever giving up on you, Cheng Xiaoshi,” he said seriously. He meant it, really. There were things his partner didn’t know, and couldn’t know, but he meant it truly, he’d give everything, risk his own life, tear apart time, to be with his partner. “You are. You’re innocent, and warm, and you’re an idiot, but you shine like the sun,” he said. “I wouldn’t have let you go alone,” he said. “I love you, too,” he said. “More than anything in this world.” He paused for a moment. He didn’t want to lie. “She’s been… struggling,” he said. “I think you should call her tomorrow, I texted her that I was picking you up,” he said. Lu Guang took Cheng Xiaoshi’s hand, starting to lead him further into the park. There was a clear, plain field of tall grass and wild flowers. He picked one off the ground and handed it to the other. “This is why I wanted you to come here,” he breathed. “The world is beautiful, and you belong in it.”

“I know you won’t,” Cheng Xiaoshi said, softly. He was quiet for a moment, before he spoke again, “How are you sure? Maybe one time I’ll just…completely mess up, and you’ll realize you deserve better,” he said, then shakes his head a little, “what if im not worth the risks?” he asked. “Of course I wouldn’t, it’s just…different,” he said. He paused at that, before speaking, voice barely above a whisper, “I wish they’d decided that before they had me,” he said. “My mom said ‘one day’ too, I don’t know if that day actually exists,” he said, quietly. “I’m glad I do have you, really,” he said, deepening the kiss as well. He thought, honestly, if they didn’t have to breathe he could just stay like this forever, probably. He was quiet for a moment at that, “I’ll never give up on you either, Lu Guang,” he said, just as serious. He grew flustered at that, “you’re so sappy,” he mumbled, honestly, it was like his partner always knew how to make him feel better, when he actually talked about it, at least. “I know you wouldn’t have, you probably would’ve followed me if I tried anyways,” he said, half joking. “I love you more than anything in this world, too,” he said, softly. He frowned a little at that, nodding slightly, “I’ll call her tomorrow,’ he said. He really did feel awful, he knew he probably scared his sister, too. He followed the other as he took his hand, looking around as they walked. He stared at the other for a moment, before taking the flower, “Thank you, Lu,” he said, quietly, “really, for…everything, i really don’t know what i’d do without you.

Lu Guang gripped his hand tighter. “I already stayed after you tried to hang yourself,” he pointed out. “You’re not going to mess up that bad, you can’t change how I feel about you,” he said. “Who said I deserve better? And who said I want better? Cheng Xiaoshi, I’ve never wanted anyone but you, and I’ll always choose you,” he said. “You’re an idiot, but you’re my idiot, and I wouldn’t want to be with anyone else,” he said. “You’re worth every single risk to me,” he said softly. “Things aren’t different just because you hold yourself to a different standard,” he said. “I’m glad they had you, Cheng Xiaoshi, I’m glad you’re here, I wouldn’t want things any other way,” he said. “I can’t tell you for sure, but maybe they will,” he suggested. He pulled Cheng Xiaoshi to the ground, kissing him feverishly in the field, arms wrapped around his neck. “If you’re not going to be the one to drag me into something stupid, I’m going to,” he half joked, legs entangled on the ground. “I’m only sappy with you,” he said. “I’d follow you anywhere,” he said. “I’m sure she’ll be happy to hear from you,” he said. “Don’t thank me for this, it’s the least I could do after everything that’s happened.”

Cheng Xiaoshi paused at that, “okay-fine, fair point,” he said. “I just…worry, that eventually I will,” he said, quietly. “You do deserve better, I think you deserve the world,” he said, “I’ll always choose you, too,” he said. “I’m glad I’m your idiot,” he said, slightly teasing, “I wouldn’t either, you know, I'd choose you over…anything honestly,” he said. “Are you sure?” he asked, softly. “Hey-you don’t gotta call me out like that,” he says, a weak joke, “but…i guess you’re right, I just…feel like I could have been better, you know?” he said. “I’m glad I'm here with you,” he said, “you make things better,” he said, softly. He shrugged then, “maybe,” he said, quietly. He wrapped his arms around the other as they kissed, lying in the grass. “What are partners for, if not doing stupid things together?” he said, half joking back. He leans forward, kissing his forehead before nuzzling into his shoulder, “good,” he said, softly. “I’d do the same, no matter what, we’re in this together, right?” he asked. He nodded slightly then, “I just…feel really bad, I know I scared you both,” he mumbled. “I want to, you didn’t have to stay, but you did, and I want you to know how much I appreciate that, seriously.”

Lu Guang leaned forward to kiss his cheek. “I’m not leaving, Cheng Xiaoshi,” he said softly. “I never wanted anything but you,” he said. “I’ll choose you, no matter what,” he said. He ruffled his partner’s hair lightly. “My favorite idiot,” he teased. “I’d choose you over anything, too, even if the world was ending, I’d choose you,” he said, seriously. “Of course I’m sure,” he said. “You know I’m right, it’s not fair to hold yourself to an entirely different standard, you’re being too hard on yourself,” he said. “No, babe, don’t blame yourself, there’s nothing you could’ve done, and you’re already perfect to me,” he said. “I’m glad you’re here, too. I don’t know what I would have done if I’d lost you,” he said. “You make things better, too,” he said. He kissed him hard, after waiting all this time to see him, after being so afraid of losing him, he kissed him like he’d lose him again, he kissed him like it was the last time, and didn’t pull away until they were both red in the face, gasping for breath. “We have this park practically to ourselves, might as well be a little stupid,” he said. “I missed you so much, Cheng Xiaoshi,” he whispered. “Together, always,” he said. “I won’t lie, you scared the shit out of both of us,” he said, “Qiao Ling misses you, let’s have her over tomorrow,” he said. He let out a soft sigh. “I didn’t have to stay, but why wouldn’t I? I love you, okay? I’m not leaving.”

Cheng Xiaoshi leaned into the kiss, sighing softly, “If you say so,” he said. “What makes me so special though?” he asked, “I mean, you could probably have anyone you wanted, why me?” He asked. “You’re my favorite too,” he says. He blushes at that, “you’re so cheesy…” he murmured. He huffed softly at that, “It’s just…hard not to, you know? I can’t help but feel like I should be better,” he says. He shook his head slightly at that, “I don’t know…If you say so I just, can’t think of any other reason, you know?” he said, “I’m really not perfect, honestly,” he said. “I’m really sorry again, Lu, for everything,” he said, softly. He leaned deeper into the kiss, finding himself unwilling to pull away, even though they both technically need to breathe. He panted softly, then letting out a little laugh, “you do have a point,” he said, teasing lightly. “I missed you too, Lu Guang,” he whispered back. “Always,” he said, nodding at that. “I know…I’m really sorry that I did, seriously,’ he said, “yeah, Of course, I really miss her too, I feel awful for scaring her too,” he said. He was quiet for a moment at that, then nodded, “I love you,” he said, softly, “Still….I really appreciate you staying, you know?”

Lu Guang paused for a moment to think. “It’s your innocence, I think I’ve told you before,” he said. “You’re kind, trusting, your heart is pure, you always see the best in people,” he said. “Really… you’re everything I’m not, and I love that about you,” he said. “I’ve never wanted anyone else, you made me feel special, and you still do,” he said. “I guess I can’t put it in words, but I just… don’t want anyone but you,” he said. “You always call me cheesy when I actually express affection,” he half teases. “Things can always get better, but you’re enough, Cheng Xiaoshi, you’re enough the way you are,” he said. “I don’t know their reasons, but honestly, I’m sure it had nothing to do with you,” he said. “You’re perfect to me,” he said. “I don’t want an apology from you,” he murmured, shaking his head. He let out a shaky breath as he looked down at Cheng Xiaoshi in the grass, staring up at his face. He kissed him again, more softly. He looped his pointer finger behind his partner’s ear and cupped his face in his palm. He looked deep in his brown eyes and let out a breath. “I’m glad you’re back,” he said. “And I’m glad you’re safe.” He shook his head. “Stop apologizing, I don’t want to hear it,” he said. “It’ll be alright, I’m sure she’s just happy you’re safe, although she might punch you for it,” he half joked. “I want to stay, I don’t want anything else, as long as I possibly can, I will stay.”

Cheng Xiaoshi was quiet for a moment while his partner spoke, leaning in to press a soft kiss to his lips, “you’re too nice to me, you know that?” he said, softly. “I make you feel special?” he asked, tilting his head. “I’ve never wanted anyone else either,” he said. He pouts dramatically at that, “not all the time,” he said. He let out a shaky breath at that, “okay…if you say so, i believe you,” he said, quietly. “I hope it doesn’t…i just, worry, you know?” he said. “You’re biased,” he said, half teasing. “I know, but I'm still sorry,” he said, quietly. He kissed him back deeply, wrapping his arms around the others neck to pull him closer, leaning into the hand on his face. “I’m glad too,” he said, quietly. “Okay okay, fine, ill try,” he said. He laughed at that, “oh she absolutely will,” he joked back. “I hope you’ll stay forever,” he said, softly. He lets out a breath then, “do you wanna go home? I…think I'm ready, now,” he said.

“Sometimes I feel like I’m not nice enough,” he said, after leaning into the kiss. “You do… you treat me like I’m the only person in the world who matters, you trust me without explanation, you cling to me, and I cling to you, and that feels special,” he said. “God forbid your quiet, brooding boyfriend gets a little affectionate sometimes,” he teased. “It doesn’t, I'm sure of it,” he said. “Biased doesn’t mean wrong,” he said. “Don’t be sorry, stop that,” he said. He ran his thumb along the other’s cheekbone, deepening the kiss for a moment, then nodded his head. “All you can do is try,” he said. “No doubt about it,” he said, nudging him. “I want to stay forever,” he said, biting at his lip. I just wish you’d stay forever, he thought to himself, but he could never say it aloud. “Yeah, let’s go home before the mosquitoes get us,” he said. He pushed himself to his feet, then held out his hand to help Cheng Xiaoshi up. 

Cheng Xiaoshi shook his head at that, “You always are, I can just be dramatic sometimes,” he said, half joking. He smiled up at him, “Well…I’m glad, because you are special to me,” he said. “I want you to feel special,” he added, quietly. “It throws me off sometimes, you know when to use it against me,” he teased back. “How are you so sure?” he asked, softly, almost nervous. “I mean, it could,” he said. “I can’t help it,” he half whined. He sighed softly as they pulled away, “thank you, for…putting up with me,” he said. “She bullies me,” he said, complaining jokingly. “Good, because I'll want you forever,” he said, leaning up to kiss his cheek. “Oh absolutely, I hate mosquitoes,” he said, taking the other’s hand as he stood up, “i miss our bed, hospital ones suck”.

Lu Guang nodded. “You can be a bit dramatic,” he said. “You’re special to me, too. I hope I can make you feel the same way,” he said. “I know I’m not the best at expressing my feelings, but I need to be honest with you now, now that I’ve almost lost you, I’m not letting that happen again,” he said. “I’m sure, there’s nothing a child could do that would warrant their parents leaving, period,” he said. “I’m not just putting up with you,” he said. “I mean, you do pull some bullshit sometimes, but this isn’t just tolerating you, I want to be here,” he said. “You deserve it,” he teased. “I’ll want you forever, too,” he said, leaning into the kiss. “They love you,” he joked. He squeezed his partner’s hand, then started to lead the way to the car. “I’ll drive this time, honestly. I get nervous when you’re behind the wheel,” he said. “We’ll get to go home, you can get some actual rest, and I’ll stay in your bed tonight,” he said. “We can cuddle until we fall asleep.”

“Hey! You’re not supposed to agree with me,” Cheng Xiaoshi complained, dramatically. “You do, honestly, more than like, anyone ever has,” he said. He was quiet at that for a moment, "I love you, I really, really hope you know that,” he said, softly. “I guess you have a point….” he murmured. “I know, but still, I wanna thank you,” he said. “I know I can be impulsive, though,” he said. “My sister and my boyfriend are bullying me,” he said, shaking his head dramatically. “I know they do, it's my bad luck,” he joked lightly. He pouted at that, “I’m not that bad of a driver am i?” he asked. “That sounds so nice, I’ve missed cuddling with you all the time,” he said. 

“Okay, drama queen, calm down,” he teased, ruffling his hair. “I’m glad, he said. “I love you too, I know,” he said. “I don’t need thanks, I just need you,” he said. “You are impulsive, and an idiot, and you’re rash and emotional and dramatic, but I wouldn’t have it any other way,” he said. “It’s our job,” he teased. “Luck isn’t real, you just have sweet blood,” he said. He turned away. “I’d rather not answer that,” he said. “I’ve missed it too, I can’t wait to go home,” he said. He led him back to the car and opened the door for him before getting in the driver’s seat. “Connect your phone, I want background noise. I’ll let you DJ this time.”

“So rude,” Cheng Xiaoshi pouted, jokingly, but leaned into the hand in his hair. “I’d never get tired of you, never in like, a bajillion years,” he said. “I just need you, but, i wanna thank you anyways,” he said. “You’re so sweet,” he said, poking his nose, “coming from anyone else, that'd sound like an insult,” he joked. “Unfortunately,” he sighed, shaking his head. He tilted his head, “Is that an actual thing?” he asked. He gasped dramatically at that, “you do think im a bad driver!” he exclaims. “Me either,” he said, squeezing his hand as they walked. He got in and put on his seat belt, “Ooooo, Dj privileges,” he said, connecting his phone to the car, “do you have any requests?” he asked

“I know, I’m so mean,” he said. “I couldn’t get tired of you either,” he said. “Fine, you’re welcome, or whatever,” he said. He huffed. “Nerd,” he mumbled. “I say it with love,” he joked. “Maybe? They seem to like you more than me,” he said with a shrug. He rolled his eyes at that. “I never said you were a good driver,” he said. He started the car. “Play anything you’d like, you’re the one who just got out of the hospital,” he said. He started to drive, more carefully and precisely than Cheng Xiaoshi had, actually following the speed limit. He was aware of the stars and the streetlights around him, feeling a sense of ease, finally, after weeks of tension. He kept one hand on the wheel, and reached for his partner’s hand.

“You so are,” Cheng Xiaoshi said. He laughed softly then, “was that so hard?” he teased. “I am not a nerd, you are sweet,” he said, shaking his head. “I know you do,” he said, humming lightly. He huffs slightly at that, “I dunno if I take that as a compliment or not,” he joked. “Im a perfectly fine driver, thank you very much,” he complained. “Okay, okay, if you insist," He thought for a moment, trying to decide, before simply deciding to put on their playlist. He did have to admit, as much as he’d pouted about it, Lu Guang was a better driver than he was. He squeezed Lu Guang's hand as they drove, looking out at the stars in the sky. “I wish we could see the stars better at home, they're so pretty out here,”

Lu Guang shook his head. “Shut up, idiot,” he said back, but there was no heat behind the words. “You’re a nerd, and I’m not sweet,” he said. “I guess it is, although maybe unwanted since you get more bites,” he said. He scoffs at that. “Sure… Whatever you say, passenger princess,” he teased. “I do insist.” Lu Guang squeezed his hand back, tapping his thumbs on the steering wheel as he listened to the music. An American song comes on that he recognizes, ‘Graceland Too’ by Phoebe Bridgers. He’d looked into the translations before, and the song honestly feels fitting. “They are pretty,” he said quietly. “How do you feel, after everything?”

Cheng Xiaoshi laughed softly, “you love me,” he teases. “I am not, and you absolutely are, to me anyways,” he said. “Definitely unwanted, I hate mosquito bites, they aren't even like cool bugs,” he complained. He huffed at that, "I am not a passenger princess,” he whined. He hummed quietly along to the song, it almost felt…ironic, how on topic it was, “I swear I didn't pick this on purpose, I just hit shuffle, the music gods chose it,” he said, half joking. He paused at the question then, "I don't know….different, i think? But, I don't know in what way, if that makes any sense,” he said. 

Lu Guang rolled his eyes. “I do love you,” he said. “You’re a huge nerd, nerd,” he teased. “Do you really think that?” he asked. “I don’t really think of myself as sweet,” he said, shrugging slightly. “What defines a cool bug?” he asked, humoring him. “Sounds like a passenger princess in denial,” he teased him. He listened to the song carefully, letting out a breath. “I would do anything you want me to, I would do anything for you, I will do anything…” the song lulls. Lu Guang felt a heavy weight in his chest. He glanced at Cheng Xiaoshi. “This song… I’d do anything for you, too,” he said. He tilted his head. “Things do feel different,” he admitted. “I mean, it feels like something’s shifted, like things are more raw, you know?” he said. “But… how I feel about you hasn’t changed.”

“I love you the most,” Cheng Xiaoshi said. He blinked slightly then, tilting his head, “Of course I think that, seriously! You’re sweet to me,” he said. “You know, like bees! They make honey and pollinate flowers and stuff, and fireflies, because they’re pretty, that kinda thing!” he said. “Mosquitos just take our blood and make us itchy,” he said. He stuck his tongue out at him playfully, “nuh uh,” he complained. He stared at the other for a moment, squeezing his hand, “I know you would,” he said, quietly, “I’d do anything for you too, you know?” he said. He nods slightly at that, “yeah, that’s exactly how I’d describe it, more…raw,” he repeated, “You promise?” he asked, softly. “I know it’s stupid to still ask but…I dunno,” he said, not sure how to finish the thought.

At a red light, Lu Guang quickly kisses his cheek, before focusing back on the road. “I’ve never really thought about myself that way, I just treat you the way I do because I care about you,” he said. “Even when I nag and boss you around, it’s because I don’t want you to get hurt,” he said. “I guess you’re right, I’m pretty indifferent to most bugs, but I guess I like moths,” he said. “Whatever you say, princess,” he said, a trace of a smile on his lips. “I know you would, too,” he said. “I think things can feel kind of sensitive now, and after something traumatic like that, I think the emotions can feel more raw. Plus, we’re finally being honest with each other,” he said. “I promise, nothing can change how I feel about you,” he said. “It’s not stupid, you can ask me anything.”

Cheng Xiaoshi leaned into the kiss, blushing a little, “and that makes you sweet, to me anyways, you’re like, the kind of guy straight girls always complain about being gay, because you're, like, amazing,” he said. “Honestly, maybe it’s weird, but I like when you boss me around,” he said. “Moths are kinda like nocturnal butterflies,” he said, then paused for a moment, “do you know how to tell if a caterpillar will be a moth or a butterfly?” he asked, curiously. He turns red at that, lightly punching the other's shoulder, “shut up-” he said, though there's no heat behind it. He nodded slightly as the other spoke, sighing softly, “you do have a point,” he said, “I just…don’t want things to change too much, you know? What if it isn’t like…a good change?” he asked. “Pinkie promise?” 

Lu Guang scoffed at that. “So all the straight girls want me?” he joked. “Good thing the only girl I hang out with is QIao Ling, I think I get along better with lesbians,” he said. He raised an eyebrow. “You like to be bossed around?” he asked in amusement. “An astute observation about insects, Xiaoshi,” he teased. “Most moth caterpillars are fuzzy or bristly, and usually rounder, you know? Like how the luna moth has little tufts kind of like hair,” he said. He pouted when the other punched his shoulder. “You can’t hit me, I’m driving,” he mumbled. He was quiet for a moment, thinking. Things did feel different, and a bit strange, but he felt a sense of ease, too, having Cheng Xiaoshi at his side, and being honest with him after always hiding how he felt. “They won’t change too much, I don’t think,” he said. “I think it’s good for us to talk like this, and now that things aren’t awkward, I think we’ll be okay,” he said. “I feel like things are a bit fragile now, but that’s just because we’re both healing,” he said. “I pinkie promise, this will make us stronger.”

“When we’re out and stuff I hear so many talking about you, I wouldn’t be surprised,” Cheng Xiaoshi said. He laughs at that, “honestly-fair enough, gay best friends are for lesbians only,” he joked lightly. He glares at him playfully, “you know what i mean!” he half whined, “theres no way to say that without sounding like a total freak,” he said. “Well, im not wrong, am i?” he said. He tilted his head at that, nodding, “so they’re pettable…” he said, then added, “you’re cute when you get autistic about things,” he said, full seriousness. “I did it lightly on purpose,” he argued. He furrowed his eyebrows slightly at that, nodding slowly, “If you’re sure,” he said, softly, “I really hope not,” he said. He wanted to apologize again, because he still couldn’t help but blame himself for all of this. If anything did change, it was his fault, wasn’t it? But, he knew Lu Guang would insist it wasn't his fault. “You can’t break a pinkie promise, it’s against the rules,”

Lu Guang shook his head. “You hear people talk about me?” he asked. “I don’t have anything against straight women, but if one of them had a crush on me it’d be pretty awkward,” he said. He hummed in amusement, nodding his head and going “mn.” “You do sound like a freak, just a little,” he teased. “No, you’re not,” he said. “Be careful, some caterpillars can make you itchy,” he said. “It’s not cute, I’m just stating facts because you asked me,” he said, pouting, but not denying that he was autistic. “I won’t let things change for the worse,” he said. “And nothing, absolutely nothing, can change how I look at you,” he said. He squeezed his partner’s hand. “I won’t break the promise, I’ll stay right here,” he said. As he drove, he began to recognize familiar landmarks. To his relief, they were getting closer to home. “How do you feel about going home?”

“Of course I do,” Cheng Xiaoshi said. He laughed a little at that, “Just a little?” he asked, teasingly. He pouted at that, “of course you agree with that,” he said. He tilts his head at that, “really? Why do they make you itchy?” he asked. He grinned at that then, “my evil plan worked,” he joked lightly. “But I think it’s cute, your autistic rizz captivated me,” he teased. He let out a breath at that, nodding, “I believe you,” he said, softly. “If you say so,” he said, squeezing his hand back. “I’ll stay too, I pinkie promise,” he said. He looked out the window then, honestly, he was glad to be almost home, he missed it. He nodded than, “I want to, i wanna lay in bed and cuddle all night, I didn’t like sleeping without you,”

“What do girls say about me?” he asked, genuinely curious. “I don’t know, it’s weird when people who aren’t you like me,” he said. “I’m right, you are a freak,” he teased. “Some of their hairs release toxins that can cause a rash,” he explained. “So don’t go touching caterpillars,” he said. Lu Guang huffed, rolling his eyes. “Shut up,” he said, not entertaining the concept of ‘autistic rizz.’ “I mean it, Cheng Xiaoshi,” he said. He cast a quick glance at him. “Good, I want you to stay,” he said. “It’s hard to sleep without you, too,” he said. “Honestly… I haven't been sleeping more than three hours a night,” he admitted. “I feel a bit odd, but I think it’s in a good way, I’m just glad I get to take you home,” he said. They reached the curb outside the photo studio, and Lu Guang parked. He leaned over to kiss Cheng Xiaoshi, then opened the car door. 

“They talk about how hot you are, and you have a ‘mysterious’ vibe,” Cheng Xiaoshi said, “too bad for them though,” he added. “Same honestly, I only want you to like me,” he said. “That makes you a freak too then, for dating a freak,” he teased back. He pouted then, “Sick and twisted…the fluffiness is a trap,” he said, shaking his head. “Fine, I won't pet random caterpillars,” he said. “I’m not lying! Your autism makes you hotter,” he said. “I trust you, Lu Guang,” he said, softly. “I will, if you will too,” he said. He shook his head a little at that, “Well we can sleep in tomorrow at least, make up for lost time and stuff,” he said, squeezing his hand. “I’m glad to be home, really,” he said. He leans into the kiss, “I love you,” he said, quietly, then getting out of the car.

“So hot and mysterious,” he mocked, rolling his eyes. “I don’t like when other people call you hot,” he said. “I don’t know, maybe that sounds possessive, but I want you to myself,” he said. “Fine, we’re both freaks,” he said. “It’s how they protect themselves, you can’t blame the caterpillar for how nature plays out,” he said. “Don’t let their looks deceive you, they’re best admired from a distance,” he said. His cheeks were red, but he looked away. “Shut up, only you think that,” he said. “We both will, then,” he said. “That sounds nice,” he said, squeezing his hand back. “I’m glad too, it felt too empty and quiet without you,” he said. “I love you, too,” he whispered, leading the way to the photo studio with Cheng Xiaoshi’s hand in his. He opened the door. The place was dimly lit by a night light, clean and cold as they walked in. He flicked the light switch on and headed upstairs with his partner at his side.

“Well I think you’re hot, less mysterious, you’re just an introvert,” Cheng Xiaoshi said. “I don’t like when people call you hot, especially when they think we’re like, just friends or whatever,” he said, shaking his head. “You’re gonna call me a freak again for this, but, maybe i like when you’re possessive, once again-i think it’s kinda hot,” he said. “We match each other's freak,” he teased. “I know, I know, I'm just drawn to fuzzy things,” he said. “So what? That doesn’t make me wrong,” he said, poking his cheek. “Good,” he said, softly. “It almost feels kinda weird being home, not in a bad way, but it feels like I was gone longer,” he said. He followed behind the other, he felt…less anxious, finally being home. He made sure to lock the front door behind them, before heading up the stairs with Lu Guang. As soon as they get to the room he flops down on the bed, pulling his partner with him, “This bed is so much comfier,”

“I don’t think I’m mysterious, I’m just quiet,” Lu Guang said. “People who think we’re just friends clearly have the wrong idea,” he said. He raised an eyebrow. “You really just think everything about me is hot, don’t you?” he teased. “It doesn’t make you right, either,” he said. “Yeah… it really feels like you’ve been gone forever,” he said. He curled up next to his partner, immediately wrapping his arms around him. “You got those saltines, right? You should eat something,” he said quietly. 

  “Exactly! They don’t get you like I do,” Cheng Xiaoshi said, only half joking. He laughed slightly at that, “honestly, I don’t get how people think that, anyways, I feel like we’re…pretty obvious,” he said. “Am I not allowed to think everything about my boyfriend is hot?” he retorted. “Still, I think your autistic rizz makes you hotter,” he said. He cuddled into the other, burying his face in against his shoulder, “I’m glad I'm home,” he said, softly. He nodded at that, “I grabbed them yeah,” he said, “I will, in a second, you’re warm,” 

Lu Guang lovingly elbowed him. “No one gets me like you,” he said, more serious. “Just two guy friends who live together and kiss each other,” he joked. “I never said that, but you’re an idiot,” he said. “Autistic rizz isn’t a real thing,” he said. He held onto him, kissing his cheek. “I’m glad you’re here, too,” he said. “You should eat something, babe, I’ll eat some too if it’ll encourage you.”

Cheng Xiaoshi just grinned at that, “no one gets me like you, either” he said. “And sleep in bunk beds, and the same one regularly,” he joked back. “I am not an idiot,” he pouted, dramatically. “It absolutely is, and you have it,” he said. He leaned into the kiss, closing his eyes. He sighed at that, “okay, okay, fine,” he said, reluctantly pulling away to sit back up, “i’ll eat some if you will,” he said, reaching for the bag he’d dropped on the floor by the bed.

Lu Guang faintly smiled at him. “We’re pretty obvious, at least to me,” he said. “You are an idiot, you’re my idiot boyfriend,” he said. “You’re just making things up now,” he said. He sat up too, arm around his partner, taking a cracker with his free arm and eating it. The two of them, together, wound up eating the entire sleeve, leaned against each other. “Do you feel better?” he asked.

“I think we’re totally obvious, maybe a little on purpose for my part,” Cheng Xiaoshi said, half joking. “I’m your very smart boyfriend, thank you very much,” he joked lightly. “Am not, it’s totally a thing,” he said. He leaned his head against the others shoulder, eating a cracker as well. By the time they finish, he can feel his tiredness catching up to him. He nodded at the question, humming slightly, “yeah, i think so,” he said, softly. He was quiet for a moment then, “thank you, Lu, for everything, seriously.”

Lu Guang nodded. “I know you do it on purpose, not subtle at all,” he said. “I never said you weren’t smart, you just also happen to be an idiot,” he teased. “It’s not a thing, now cuddle with me,” he demanded. “I need a weighted blanket, lie down on my chest,” Lu Guang said. He knew he was being bossy, but Cheng Xiaoshi did admit to being into it. He pulled him closer in his arms. “I’m glad,” he said. “I don’t need thanks, I’m just glad you’re still here,” he said. “I was losing my mind without you.”

“Hey! I’m subtle sometimes,” Cheng Xiaoshi pouted. “Those like, mean opposite things though,” he complained. “Okay, okay, bossy,” he teased, before doing as the other said, shifting to get comfy, and laying his head on the other's chest, “better?” he asked, looking up at him. He nuzzled into him, leaning up to kiss his cheek. “Well, still, I really want to thank you, anyways,” he said. “I won’t leave again, I promise,” he said, softly.

Lu Guang rolled his eyes. “No you’re not,” he said pointedly. “You manage to pull off both at the same time,” he said. He pulled his partner into him, taking in his scent and holding him close. “Much better,” he said. He kissed him back, pecking his lips softly. “I don’t need thanks, I don’t need apologies, I’m happy now, now that I have you,” he said. “You can’t break that promise, okay?”

Cheng Xiaoshi pouted dramatically at that, “I totally am, you just like bullying me,” he complained, jokingly. “I don’t know if I should take that as a compliment or an insult,” he joked. He breathed in deeply, honestly, at risk of sounding like a weirdo, he’d missed how Lu Guang smelled, admittedly. “Good,” he hummed softly, closing his eyes. He leaned up into the kiss, then yawned. “I’m happy too, that I have you,” he said, softly. “I won’t break it, I pinkie promise,” he said, sincerely. He laid his head back against Lu Guang’s chest, he hadn’t realized until then how tired he really was. “I love you, so so much,” he murmured, sleepily. And soon, the beat of his partners heart lulled him to sleep.

“I love you too,” Lu Guang whispered, holding onto his partner. He gently ran his fingers through his hair as Cheng Xiaoshi slowly fell asleep. He missed him, so much, and having Cheng Xiaoshi near him again felt like everything was falling into place. Maybe this time line would be better, maybe things would be okay, maybe he could finally live a happy life with his partner. The suicide attempt scared him, he really had thought he’d lost the love of his life, once again. But now, he was home, he was safe in his arms, maybe everything would be ok. He carefully placed his thumb on his partner’s wrist to feel his pulse. Nice and steady. He was okay.

Lu Guang finally felt tired, after running on fumes for days on end, He felt at peace, with his lover in his arms. He let himself feel warm, closing his eyes slowly. Cheng Xiaoshi was home. Cheng Xiaoshi was alive. They survived Bridon, they survived the attempt, maybe, just maybe, they could survive anything. Lu Guang looked down at the mess of stringy dark hair, the sleeping little angel he held so dear. He watched his chest rise and fall slowly. Sleep filled his eyes, and he rubbed them lightly. He wanted to savor the moment, he wanted to watch his partner, look at him for hours, but slowly, he felt even more tired. He nuzzled Cheng Xiaoshi lightly with his head, ruffled his hair as he slept soundly, then took a long, deep breath. Oh, how he missed nights like these. Finally, after stalling sleep for longer than necessary, he let his eyes flutter shut, and soon, fell into a deep, peaceful slumber with his ‘weighted blanket’ curled into his chest.