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Ilya never wanted to die.
Sure he had thought about it more lately. But he had a therapist now, things were gonna get better. And Shane, oh Shane, he was everything Ilya had ever needed. Their relationship was complicated, but it was theirs, and it was perfect. Ilya wouldn’t change it for anything in the world. Even when it was complicated, even when he was filling pages of his notebooks with problems about it. It was everything he ever wanted, and more.
The plane jolted again.
Oh fuck. Shane.
If Ilya was going to die today, he had to say goodbye, he had to reassure Shane, he had to make sure he would keep living, that he wouldn’t fall into the same dark place Ilya fell into all those years ago. He knew too well how grief felt.
He grabbed his phone and opened Instagram, he had wi-fi, which meant the texts would go through immediately. They had to.
He typed with shaky fingers, “Whatever happens, I am with you. Safe in your heart. I believe it”
The plane jolted again, it fell for a second this time.
Shane.
Shane.
My Shane
The love of my life.
That's all he could think of. Just his Shane, the light of his life, his only reason for so many years. He kept replaying their every interaction. The first time they met, the way Shane’s hand reached for his so shyly, their first time, first kiss, first “I love you” – and every single one after.
Him and Shane had some issues, some light arguments, Ilya wanted to be more open with other people, Shane was too scared. Ilya desperately needed someone to talk to. Really talk, without worrying about what they could guess. Shane had gotten so mad when he had told Troy he was bisexual. He couldn’t die without making things ok. He couldn’t die.
He wanted to cry, pray, maybe scream, tell himself it’s going to be okay either way.
It’s going to be Shane or mama. It’s ok.
The plane stabilised. The turbulence stopped. Ilya’s thoughts didn’t.
The pilot was saying something about an emergency landing but all the collective relief didn’t stop Ilya from keeping his thoughts on Shane. God he must be so scared, if he got those dms he must be so confused.
He was jolted out of his thoughts by a soft whimper, something no one else probably heard in the general noise of people letting out sighs of relief. He looked up and across from where he was sitting.
Further down the aisle, half hidden by another row of seats, was Luca Haas, a rookie, trying his absolute hardest to keep it together.
The kid had great hockey skills, probably better than most of his more experienced teammates, but he was humble, and constantly starstruck by being in the presence of an NHL superstar, it was cute, really, but the reason Ilya was so fond of him, was how much he reminded him of himself at that age, alone on the other side of the world, not really speaking about his family, not really opening up to anyone, trying his best to be what people expected from him.
Ilya got up from his seat and got shouted at by almost everyone on the plane. It was quick, even if reckless, but he was the captain, he had to.
He sat down next to Luca, took in the sight of his hands trembling on his thighs, of his uneven breathing pattern, of the way he was trying to avoid eye contact at all cost.
That reminded him of Shane, he imagined how if they could have biological kids they probably wouldn’t be too far from what Luca is. That made him smile, and that smile made Luca finally look at him.
His eyes were scared and he didn’t dare ask what Ilya was smiling about.
“You ok, bud?”
Luca just nodded, tapped his fingers on his knee, and went back to staring out the window.
Ilya put a hand on his back, patting it a couple of times lightly, “We are gonna be on the ground soon, ok? Deep breaths”
Ilya knew not all panic attacks were loud and clear, he knew someone could appear completely fine during one, especially if someone was as good as Ilya was at hiding behind a serious face. And Luca probably was.
Neither of them said anything else for the rest of the flight. Ilya kept his hand on Luca’s back, Luca kept his eyes on the ground under them.
As they touched the tarmac everyone erupted in cheers and claps, not Luca, he didn’t feel like it. Ilya took his hand off of his back to clap and he could swear Luca had tried to follow it.
Ilya ruffled his hair, “I told you, rook. On the ground in one piece.”
Luca was glad Ilya was his captain. It used to be mostly because he’s the Ilya Rozanov, but now that he knows him, it’s definitely because he’s the best captain someone could hope for, especially in the NHL.
“Thank you, cap.” He looked more relaxed, less on the verge of exploding, Ilya probably did too.
Ilya smiled at him and got up.
They all deboarded. When Ilya looked around he saw about four firetrucks and a bunch of ambulances, everyone was fine, just shaken.
When they walked out of the airport, Ilya noticed one of the TVs was showing the news. Images of their plane, surrounded by firefighters, were playing for everyone to see. The text under it mentioned how that was Ottawa’s hockey team’s private jet.
Everyone walked through the mostly silent airport, no one was speaking. Ilya stopped in his tracks and everyone followed, turning to look at him, mostly confused.
“We are going out for a drink tonight. All of us. Right now.” He looked around, “Coach, you are coming too. Everyone on the team, not only players. If you have someone you want to see, invite them,” Ilya’s heart ached at that, he really wished he could just tell Shane to come over, to hold him, maybe he would be able to sleep like that.
Harris always used to be the voice of reason, “Ilya–”
“No. We go out. And we celebrate that we are all alive, yes? Everyone?”
They all agreed, it wasn’t loud, it wasn’t the same buzz of voices as after Ilya gave his speeches in the locker room, but it was there, real and grounding. They were all there.
Most of the players had someone coming to pick them up, wives, parents. Some of them had parked their own car in the airport parking lot, they could drive to the bar. Ilya was going to take a taxi. He was already on his way outside, just behind everyone else, as if to count them again, to make sure everyone was there, when Luca stopped to the side of the hallway, looking down at his phone.
“Kid. What are you doing?”
Luca looked up, straightening his shoulders imperceptibly, he always did that when Ilya spoke to him, like he was in front of someone important, some sort of higher up. “Um, nothing, cap. Just booking an Uber”
“There are taxis waiting outside, yes?”
“I know, it’s just easier. You know, don’t have to talk to anyone,”
That made sense, Ilya supposed. “Come with me.” Now Luca looked confused. “You are coming to the bar, yes?”
“Yeah…”
“I get taxi, you come with me, same destination. And I keep an eye on you.” It was ridiculous, Ilya knew it. Luca was 20 years old and absolutely capable of living on his own, let alone take an Uber for a few miles. But it made Ilya feel better to have him in his line of sight.
- - -
Shane was pacing in his apartment.
He knew Ilya would be flying back to Ottawa tonight.
What he didn’t know was that he would get a very confusing text right before turning on the TV to the most devastating news of his life. Or, well, almost.
He had tried to call Ilya immediately after hearing the news but his phone went straight to voice mail. He hoped it was just on airplane mode and that they didn’t have enough turbulence for it to break. He hoped Ilya was ok.
He freaked out for long enough to go through Ilya’s instagram. The last time he had checked it was all hockey related. Some nice pictures he had taken, skates, pucks, fresh ice when he was the first on the ice during practice. Then some that Harris had posted, a couple of promo videos, some scoreboards. But Shane hadn’t really used any social media for the longest time. It stressed him out. He was often terrified about finding someone hating on him in a bad way. He was used to insults, he was a hockey player, chirping was at the base of the game. What he was really worried about was finding out that people wanted him hurt, or dead. Maybe people had figured out he was gay, maybe they had whole threads about it. he had a list of possibilities, so, ultimately, it was easier to stay offline.
What he didn’t know, though, was how Ilya had started posting other things. Coffee in one of Shane’s mugs, two sets of dumbbells in his home gym, a mirror selfie where he was wearing one of Shane’s home hoodies, a close up of the lake at Shane’s cottage.
To everyone’s eyes, it was just pictures. Someone in the comments even joked about how “aesthetic” Ilya was becoming, whatever that meant.
It broke his heart to know that Ilya was sharing all of these little things, all of these little pieces of their relationship. It broke his heart even more to remember how upset he had been about Ilya coming out to Troy.
He couldn’t believe how selfish he had been. He had asked all these things of Ilya. Ilya had moved to another country just to be closer. He had left his friends, his life, his team, and moved. Just for Shane.
He had to be ok. Ilya had to be ok.
Suddenly Shane didn’t care about coming out anymore. It didn’t matter. He was gay, but most importantly, he was in love with the best person in the whole world. He was the luckiest man alive, and he had almost lost the most important thing of his life.
He had almost lost him without anyone knowing about them. Without the chance to live their life in the open, like they deserved, like Ilya deserved.
Suddenly he wasn’t scared of people finding out, if they did then good for them, maybe they could learn what real love is.
Shane felt like the worst partner ever, the guilt was crushing him. He needed to speak to Ilya.
- - -
Ilya texted Shane for the whole ride. He made sure to tell him he was fine, and that he would have called when they arrived at the bar. Shane didn’t like that, he wanted to hear him now. Ilya had joked about how desperate he always was for him, Shane hadn’t laughed. Then he explained the reason was that he was sharing the taxi with Luca, and how Shane wouldn’t have wanted to do this in front of someone else. Shane felt the guilt creep up again. He almost told him to tell him, almost told him that it didn’t matter anymore. But this wasn’t about him. So he agreed.
Ilya looked up from his phone to see a still very shaken Luca looking blankly at the seat in front of him.
“You have anyone to call?”
Luca just shook his head. Ilya wasn’t going to press him into a confession, but he put his phone in his pocket anyway, in case he wanted to say something.
“It’s just… It’s probably stupid. Compared to,” he waved his hand in Ilya’s direction.
“Compared to what? Me?”
“Yeah. Your story isn’t exactly a secret, and I had your posters on my wall, cap. I know a couple of things.”
Ilya could swear the kid was blushing, but it was too dark in the car to be sure. “I do not compare other people’s pain to mine, you should not do that either. Your issues hurt you, that is why it is yours.”
“I texted my mom. That’s my whole list”
Oh. Ilya was scared to ask. Maybe he didn’t have anyone else, maybe everyone else died in a plane crash and he was going to make everything worse, but he had some experience with grief.
“Your father?”
“My dad is– I don’t know actually. He left my mom when I left to come here. Went no contact with everyone.”
“Sorry to hear that.”
“So, yeah. My mom is the only one to text, she’ll tell everyone else that I’m okay. They’re all mad at me anyways.”
“They are?”
“At first it was just because I left. Then my mom started recording our games to show everyone that I ‘left only to go embarrass myself in the US’ so… That’s it, I guess.” Luca shrugged, and Ilya knew that shrug all too well. It was the same shrug he would give people when he was sharing too much, when he said something too deep, that people would pity him for.
“You are a good player, Luca. We are very lucky to have you. Sometimes parents don’t know any better.”
Another shrug, “Thanks, cap.”
“Ilya. It’s Ilya for tonight”
“Ok…”
When they got to the bar Ilya went around the table to say hi to everyone before he felt like the air was too heavy on his lungs. He headed out. He would call Shane, as promised, and he would make sure no one heard.
He lit a cigarette. He was trying to stop, but he felt like he was entitled to one tonight.
Shane picked up almost immediately, voice trembling.
“Oh my God, Ilya.”
“I know. I’m here. In one piece.”
“I was so scared…”
They talked for long. They said “I love you” more than they usually would. Shane apologised, for not seeing Ilya’s needs, for not understanding him. Ilya told him he had a therapist, and Shane almost freaked out about not being told before, but then he simply stated he was glad he did. They would have more time to talk about it another day.
Shane ended up mentioning how glad he was Ilya told Troy. That he had someone now. And that, from now on, he was allowed to tell whoever he wanted. “Maybe not the press yet,” he had joked with a small wet laugh.
“I trust you, Ilya. And I love you, so much.”
Ilya knew he would replay those words for the rest of the night in his head.
Then something he didn’t expect.
“Fuck it. I’m driving there. I need to hold you Ilya, I need to hear your heart beat.”
Ilya didn’t object, he needed to feel Shane too.
When he walked back inside the awkward silence had shifted into a more comfortable chatter. Glasses clattering against each other as the guys cheered to each member of the team.
Ilya knew he only had just over a couple of hours before Shane would be at his house, and he was going to make the most of it.
Everyone drank, sang at an obnoxiously loud volume, and hugged each other. It was a great night.
Slowly the older guys with kids waiting at home started making their way back. Ilya said goodbye to every single one of them. Being silently glad he still got to do that.
Luca had drunk a couple of beers, just enough to make him relax, but not enough to make him feel drunk.
Bood and Troy, on the other hand, were currently standing on a table, singing Sweet Caroline loud enough for the whole city to hear. Ilya smiled brighter than he had done all day and tried his best to not shed any tears.
Shane must have been close by now, and he was about to leave when his eyes landed on Luca, now alone, standing just outside the bar. He walked up to him just in time to see him lean in a trash can and puke.
“Woah, are you ok?”
Luca nodded, “Still haven’t realised. That we’re alive I mean. I keep going back there.”
“Is hard, yes.”
“And my mom answered,” He swallowed hard, and Ilya was almost worried he would throw up again. “She said that ‘they already knew from the news.’ I don’t even know why I expected her to be worried.”
Ilya just patted his shoulder again, he didn’t really have anything to say. That was exactly what his father would have told him.
“Ilya…”
“Yes?”
“How are you going to sleep tonight? How do you convince yourself that you can relax? ‘Cause– I’ve kinda been struggling… Even, um, before…” He shook his arm towards the sky.
Ilya felt a wave of protectiveness make its way into him, “You need to find your own way, kid. You will, I promise.” He didn’t feel like that was enough. He had to do something real, something that would actually help, “Listen, wait here, ok? Let me make a phone call, then either way I will share a, um- the thing you said before,”
“Uber”
“Yes, one of those, with you. Ok?”
Luca nodded and Ilya walked to the parking lot.
It didn’t take long for Shane to pick up, he was 10 minutes away, which meant he would get there before Ilya.
“How do you feel about Luca Haas?”
“Your rookie? I don’t know, Ilya, I played him once? Why are you asking?”
“Can he know?”
“Ilya–” Shane was about to get defensive, to make sure he knew Luca had to keep the secret. Instead he agreed. “Yes, if you want him to, he can know.”
“I think he needs it”
“What?”
“How do you feel about taking in a rookie tonight?”
“Ilya what are you saying?”
“He needs it Shane. He doesn’t have anyone. I cannot let him go back to empty apartment after what happened”
Shane sighed, not out of frustration, it was a sad sigh. This kid had gone through so much today, he couldn’t even imagine. “Yes. Yeah, of course. Of course.”
When Ilya asked Luca if he wanted to come over to his house, the kid almost died. Ilya had to put a hand on his shoulder to make sure he wouldn’t fall over.
He thought about it for a moment, then he looked down at his still shaking hands and accepted.
The first half of the ride was silent, Ilya had asked Luca to tell him more about Uber and he had gladly accepted the distraction.
Then the moment came.
“I need to tell you something. And you cannot freak out, ok?”
Luca nodded, half scared and half curious.
“I am bisexual” Ilya realised how wrong this looked. Taking a man home and telling him he’s bisexual didn’t exactly give off the right idea. “Um. Not what it looks like. I promise.”
Luca huffed a laugh, “Don’t worry, cap. And good for you, I guess.”
“And I am telling you this now because when we get home there will be someone waiting.”
Luca’s mouth hung open, “Am I ruining a date?”
“No, do not worry, I am captain, I take care of the rookies. You are not ruining anything. I think you will like him.”
Luca was feeling a thousand things at once, he just found out his captain was bisexual and now he was going to meet his boyfriend? And why would Ilya know he would like him?
“It is hockey player”
“Woah. NHL?”
“Yes. I think he might have been next to me in the poster in your room”
“No fucking way!”
“Anyways, Shane said he would make some tea”
“Holy shit” Luca looked around, eyes wide and mouth slightly open, “Maybe I died and this is heaven,” he joked.
“Too soon, bud. Too soon”
When Shane opened the front door of Ilya’s apartment Luca almost stumbled back.
“Um… Hello, mr. Hollander”
“Luca we have played against each other. Call me Shane, and both of you come in, it’s cold.”
They all sat at the kitchen island. At first they talked about hockey, they gave Luca some advice too. Shane would not tell his team about that. Ever.
Then the conversation moved to the crash. Ilya and Shane had been attached at the hip for the whole night, keeping their hands on each other as much as they could. Luca was too busy fangirling over them to notice. He would have questions in the morning, but it didn’t matter right now.
They went over the whole thing, trying to rationalise, trying to help Luca process it while also processing it themselves.
Soon it was time to go to sleep. Shane had prepared the couch for Luca, with more pillows than necessary and three different types of blankets. Luca was glad, even if he couldn’t express it properly, still shocked by the presence of not one, but both of his childhood idols.
Ilya and Shane spent the next hour in Ilya’s bedroom, talking, and kissing. Shane kept a hand on his neck at all times. He had to make sure his heart was beating, and that he was real. They both cried, dried each other's tears, and made sure they were ok.
Eventually they had to get ready for bed. Ilya let Shane use the ensuite bathroom. It wasn’t foreign for them to get ready at the same time in the same bathroom, but he figured that, tonight, they both needed a minute alone to process everything.
Ilya grabbed his toothbrush and walked out of the bedroom to the other bathroom.
When he walked past the couch, though, he heard a sniffle. As small as his whine had been on the plane.
So he walked over. “Just to make sure everything is ok,” he told himself.
“Hey, bud. You ok?” His voice was soft. The same softness he reserved for Hayden’s kids.
“Sorry. I just- I can’t close my eyes.”
Ilya felt bad, he let out a sad sigh, and crouched next to the couch. “Don’t be sorry kid, it is ok. We are all tired, shaken and frustrated with our feelings. It is normal. Take a deep breath and wait here, okay?”
Luca nodded and did as he was asked.
Ilya went back to his bedroom and rummaged through a drawer in his closet. He pulled out an old teddy bear. It was a stupid plushie Svetlana had given him, years ago, when he had confessed he felt alone, and how he couldn’t sleep. He had been so against it for weeks, he had ignored it, convinced himself grown men don’t need teddy bears. Then one night, he had given it a chance. And he had been able to sleep a little better.
Shane walked out of the bathroom right as Ilya found the bear. He didn’t say anything. He understood immediately and nodded once.
When Ilya walked back to Luca holding a stuffed animal he earned a very annoyed look from him.
“You know I’m not actually a child, right?”
Ilya huffed, “Debatable.” He sat down on the floor in front of Luca,
“This is weird”
“Shut up. Listen. This is a bear a friend gave me when I was your age,”
“When you were twenty?”
“Yes. Now listen. I was alone, like you. And I was so stubborn, I did not want anyone to help me. So she gave me this. Told me like that I wasn’t alone. And I hated it for so long. But then it worked,”
“Cap,”
“No. I want you to keep it ok?”
“You mean–?”
“Yes, I mean you are going to bring it home with you tomorrow. And keep it until you need it.”
“I can’t do that”
“Yes you can. Because I know what it means to be all alone in a country you do not know. Ok? You do not have to lie to me. Or pretend it is fine. Because I know it is not. There is nothing we can do about it. But we can know, ok?”
Luca nodded,
“One day, you will find someone, a woman, or a man, and you will love them enough to not need the bear anymore. They will be your bear. And when that happens, you can bring the bear back to me. Or, if you will be captain of your team, and you will meet other player that is all alone, from far away. You tell him what I told you, and you give it to him. Ok?”
Luca was on the verge of tears, but he nodded, he thanked Ilya a million times. Then he held the bear. Looked down at it, then back at Ilya. “It’s so scary,” it was a whisper, barely audible. But Ilya heard it, and he pulled Luca in.
“I know. You are doing great, rook”
Luca hugged back for the longest time, allowing some tears to fall. It was him that broke the silence, “This isn’t very manly”
Ilya laughed and pulled back, they both felt better. The earlier nightmare seemed like a far memory.
“I stick my dick in another man’s ass for fun, you think I am worried about toxic masculinity?”
They both laughed wet and uncoordinated laughs. Everyone was ok, and that was more than enough.
That night Shane held Ilya as they slept, they were ok too.