Work Text:
spring 2082
Soj dodged under the dripping awning and skirted her way back through a few dark, towering piles of boxes. From the street the building looked like an abandoned, burned-out old shell, maybe once a lively restaurant or popular bookstore, but with no trace of any spirit now remaining. But for Soj and her friends, it was a safe place to hide out, and they’d made it like home.
She plopped down now on her favorite pile of cushions, scavenged over the years from her and her friends’ parents’ lounges, as they had ever more alarming issues to deal with and hadn’t noticed the losses. As she snuggled back into the corner and pulled an only slightly mushy banana out of her sack, Linc kicked her shoe from where he was thrown across the old sleeping bag in the other corner.
“Any news from the outside?”
“Have you not left here since I went home last night?”
“Why would I, exactly, when my best mates do the horrible work of actually going out into the wide wild world and experiencing it so I don’t have to?”
Soj couldn’t help but smile at this, and she leaned over to pinch his leg affectionately.
“Well, I’ll tell you. It’s still raining, and school is still a waste of time, and democracy is still a myth, and the planet still hates us.”
“Damn girl, tell us how you really feel!” Allie stepped out from behind an old raggedy curtain and wedged herself next to Linc. “I went out today too and it wasn’t that bad.”
Her two friends fixed her with silent stares until she squirmed a little. “Okay, yes, everything is horrible. But I saw a pigeon and that felt nice.”
“God, this is depressing. I might have to actually make you two come out with me today so we can focus on something else.”
“Where you going again?” Linc spoke in a slightly muffled voice from where he lay face down.
“My nans’.”
They both looked at her with sympathy in their eyes, Linc even raising himself slightly from his pathetic position in order to do so. Allie scooted over a bit so she could reach over and rub Soj’s arm. Their whole group of friends had grown up in and around Soj’s nans’ kitchen, somehow still spilling with light and joy even through the oddest and hardest of times. And both of them absolutely had nan vibes, even though Grand-dee was enby all the way, as far back as anyone could remember. After all, Soj defined ‘nan vibes’ not as anything to do with gender, but more like with the feelings found in a safe place, a warm hug, a pantry full of snacks, a word of hope, a soft shimmer in the darkness.
That’s how you would define it too, had you grown up in the 2070s and 80s. It was a time when most world governments had officially thrown in the towel and focused fully on protecting corrupt regimes, instead of paying lip service towards ideas like saving the environment or raising critical thinkers or helping developing nations towards health and democracy. She remembered sitting on the sofa between her nans, nursing a cup of hot cocoa back when you could still get your hands on those, confused about her parents’ sudden apathy. Her nans tried to explain that it was a breaking point, that her parents’ generation had spent years looking warily upon the developments in the governing halls, then later in the streets, before finally turning their weary backs. Nana Tara said it was hard to blame them after so many failed attempts to right things which had been ignored or intentionally torpedoed during their youth. But now, when she was her own person Soj found it impossible to forgive them for having left their children to grow up in a derelict wasteland, somehow both forsaken and filled to the brim with brash noise and wrong and violence of every kind.
Soj, and some of her friends, continued “trying” as best as they could. Linc didn’t go to school much, but Soj did (though not to much benefit, seeing as how the schools were half empty and staffed by teachers provided with nothing more than giant posters of Oaths of Loyalty and anemic textbooks that could have been copied and pasted directly from an Orwell classic). Linc did, however, help out daily with a ragged but dogged community garden; Allie was currently trying to get together enough materials to stock a mini free library. Temp and Apollo, the remaining members of their ragtag group, did what they could to help the local Freedom School, after putting in whatever hours they managed to get at a few part time jobs. They were the only ones from among them who had managed to move out and get a place to lay their heads away from their parents, but they were sharing with 8 or so other roommates, so the group didn’t tend to congregate there.
In fact the only other place they’d ever felt welcome, apart from this hole-in-the-wall, was Soj’s nans’. And they all felt the loss, almost as keenly as actual family, when Nana Tara had passed, about two months ago.
They’d all attended the funeral, as well as a more private ceremony they’d held in the backyard, so Grand-dee could wail and beat at their chest more than decorum would have allowed in public. But since then, maybe 6 weeks back now, no one but Soj had visited. No one could explain why, really. They knew Grand-dee would love to see them, but they suddenly felt like interlopers. Maybe it was the naked grief, as Grand-dee interwove their mourning of their beloved with their anguish over a lost nation, a lost planet, a lost humanity.
And maybe Grand-dee’s weeping and anger and thrashing about the house was poetry and beauty in its own way (and was certainly deserved), but it was hard to watch, and sometimes, hard to avoid being its accidental target. Temp had unintentionally suffered two broken toes when Grand-dee threw themself on Nana Tara’s old bookshelf and the great grand oak thundered to the floor. Apologies were forthcoming and extravagant, but also firmly refused by Temp, who held Grand-dee even through her pain as Allie and Apollo searched for someone to drive her to the clinic.
By now Soj had gone three or four times to visit nans’ on her own, contrary to all prior tradition. Just the two of them, sitting amongst the memories and the silence, both truly odd things to share with Grand-dee. They normally never countenanced a silence, filling it with their wild, delightful cackling or spun tales; and memory had not at any time been one of their strong suits. Frustrating, but predictable by this point.
The point was, things were off since Nana Tara had gone. Which made it hard to visit, but also, was definitely made worse by the lack of visits. Soj hoped to change that today.
“I really do think it would be okay if everyone came today.” She had a tentative hope in her eyes. “Grand-dee says they’re feeling a bit better and hopes to see everyone.”
“Aww, they said that?” queried Allie.
Soj flicked her wrist display open and stretched it out. Allie craned her neck a bit to read, then mumbled to herself the words from the message. “That’s lovely. It sounds like they really would like to see all of us.”
Linc sat up further and rubbed his eyes. “Now I feel bad. I should have gone before, I think.”
Soj shook her head with a weak but real smile. “No, they understand. And they’ve used this time to get some thinking done, I think. About what the next steps are, you know?” Soj accepted Allie’s hand in her own. “It’s okay, then? You’ll come?”
“Of course.” Her friends stood and helped to pull her up. “Should we go past the bar and try to get Apollo and Temp?”
**********
Soj shook off her old, thin umbrella in the doorway and called out to make sure Grand-dee didn’t get shocked by their arrival. A loud but gleeful shriek let her know all was well, and she left her things by the door as she moved down the hallway towards the kitchen.
Grand-dee was up from the table and hugging Soj in time to see everyone else shuffle in, and they peered at the faces with lack of recognition for a moment, glasses perched precariously on the end of their nose.
“Grand-dee, you know everyone–” Soj started, but was cut off almost instantly.
“I know everyone! Look, there’s Temperance and Allegiance, whose parents embraced the new world order, such as it is, and Lincoln and Apollo, whose parents hoped for freedom and knowledge to return someday.” They turned back to Soj, just in time to avoid seeing the eye rolls and grimaces at the use of full names. “Just like your parents, Sojourner, my love.”
“I know, Grand-dee..” Soj trailed off, finding no reason to remind once again that her own mother, the child raised by Grand-dee and Nana Tara to believe in herself and her community and hope and a future, had walked away from all of that to bury herself in industry with her husband, losing their bodies immediately to corporate masters and, over time, their minds and hearts as well. Soj may still sleep under their roof, but she felt nothing but trepidation towards them and counted the days until she could graduate and move out legally.
“There’s room for everyone at the table, you know!”
The group shoved themselves into worn yet comfy chairs around the kitchen, knowing they meant their declaration as more than just an invite to take a seat and grab a biscuit. They knew it also contained a promise, and a challenge.
They had all missed the shared conversations and wisdom at nans’, but Apollo spoke up first. “I’m sorry we didn’t come earlier, Grand-dee. We missed you and…” Grand-dee leaned over and hugged his shoulder as he trailed off.
“I know. I miss her too. Everything feels different. For a while it felt harder to find hope, but I feel a bit like I can inhale and exhale again.” They took a breath, let their gaze wander one person over, and winked. “Although I know it might still be considered a danger zone for toes.”
The group laughed and the guilty tension dissipated. It was good to see that Grand-dee was still able to recover. The world surely won’t be getting any easier, Soj thought, but if we can survive it together, then we’re still here, aren’t we?
And they were still there a few hours later, after an evening full of conversation and support and dreaming, as the night had settled around them and curfew hour sank far behind. Soj had finished brushing her teeth and come out from the bathroom to see Grand-dee throwing an old afghan over Temp where she lay on the sofa. They both tip-toed around the others, already snoring peacefully on various rickety furniture or piles of blankets. Grand-dee held out their hand as they reached the edge of the living room where Soj was waiting.
“You’ll come snuggle with me, won’t you, love?”
“If that’s okay? I don’t want to take Nana’s place…”
The grip on her hand tightened, but didn’t hurt. “Please?”
“Definitely.”
They lay under the duvet and whispered together for a while longer, Grand-dee not seeming to want to give up their consciousness to the night. Soj’s eyes drooped, but she stayed present. Every moment seemed precious now.
Finally they both dropped off to sleep near dawn, just as Grand-dee smiled and said “I’m so glad you’re all home again.” The sounds of two more snorers joined the light chorus filling the small home. When there’s love, does anyone really mind the snoring?
When there’s hope, can the bleakness really kill us?
When there’s family, can the cruelty truly win out over us?
When there’s a belief that humans matter, can the tyranny fully wipe our minds clean of truth?
When there’s a group of young friends who love each other for who they are, can a parent or a politician or a scared homophobe take away our very beings?
When there’s a perfect suit in the secondhand shop, can the spirit of prom actually be extinguished?
When there’s a chosen family, can the pain of disconnection with the biological one make us any less who we are?
When there are laws that say we don’t exist, but our community sees us and lifts us up and holds us and makes us a home wherever they are, do the laws have any power over the arc of justice?
When the hope seems gone for a long, long time, but then our lights can look back in history and remind us that love and truth can not be destroyed, then we can remember. And breathe. And rest. And wake up tomorrow to fight again.