Chapter Text
“Whatever happened to wanting to take me out for a date?” Himekawa spoke up.
Gero shot straight, his posture instantly fixing itself at the sound of her voice. He blinked a few times and then raised his hand to adjust his glasses,
“I-Is this not a date?” He asked, nervous. He’d intended it to be one, taking her out for a nature hike. He’d figured he could try taking a page out of the bug master’s book, seeing how much his wife enjoyed hikes. Did Himekawa not like hikes? Or was he not being romantic enough? Was he being rude and not realizing it? Was-
“Oh, is it?” Himekawa’s voice broke him from his thoughts, “I’m so sorry, I thought we were just hanging out and…” She trailed off and then stopped in her tracks. Gero took a few more steps before realizing she wasn’t following.
He turned and just stared at her, clenching his fists at his side. He wanted to run, to curl up, shoot himself with some sedatives. Anything to get out of this,
“Honestly, Gero, and I apologize about saying this, especially now, but… I don’t know if I can see you romantically,”
Something in his chest tore,
“I like you, I really do. I like you a lot, even. But you’ve said you’re interested in romance and marriage but the only moves you make are setting up dates. It feels like I’m getting mixed signals, because I feel like I’m being treated like a friend, not a future girlfriend,” She explained.
Gero gulped. He tightened his fists, trying to stay the nervous shaking. This was exactly why he needed sedatives,
“but I would be more than happy to just be your friend! You are a wonderful man, Gero! I just don’t know if you know what you want. Are you sure dating is what you want?” She added on, tilting her head. She stuffed her hands into her pockets and shifted as she stood.
A few birds chirped above them and the leaves of the trees rustled with a gentle breeze of wind. He forced himself to swallow a lump in his throat,
“O-Of course. I want to find someone to spend the rest of my life with and to help me pass on the legacy of the Gero family,” He tried explaining, digging his nails into the palms of his hand. His voice was wavering, damn him.
His nerves felt on fire and the fact it wasn’t from any toxins made him want to squirm. He was used to that sensation, of poison running in his very veins and choking him from the inside out, pulling every sense taut and burning with a million pinpricks. He was used to that. He was used to the tightness in his chest, induced by a carefully crafted toxin, he was used to the burn under his skin from an administered poison, he was used to those sensations.
This was different, this was emotions, causing a deep and hot thrumming, echoing across and through his very core. It felt horribly wrong and like something he needed to eject. This was when he threw up, expelling the chemicals he’d ingested. Or maybe he’s breathed them in. Maybe he’d injected them. Splash his face with cold water, cough until his throat was dry, tears streaming down his face at the wracking pain as his body betrayed him. That was what the poisons did to him. These emotions, somehow it felt the same and not at all similar to that. He couldn’t cough it out, though. There was no technique to rid his body of these sensations when their source was just simple emotions.
He averted his gaze to stare off into the forest, unable to keep himself staring at Himekawa. He’d ruined things with her, hadn’t he? It surely felt like it. This was a rejection, this was a friend zone.
Himekawa hummed at his response and he snapped his gaze back to her, eyes wide,
“You know that doesn’t need to be something romantic? The first bit, at least, I mean,” She pulled her hand out of her pocket and tapped her chin with her finger as she spoke carefully, “There was this famous painter from somewhere in Europe, she never took a partner in her whole life, but she still settled down with her best friend and they lived a happy life together, romance free,” She explained, “A lot of people speculate that they were secretly in love, but don’t you think it’s also enough to simply be with someone like that, in a non romantic way?”
Gero gulped. He opened his mouth to reply, but his throat caught and no words left him. He licked his dry lips and sucked in a breath, hoping to be able to formulate a response, but nothing came to him,
“I think you should think about it. What do you really want? Not what do you think you want, or what you think you should want,” Himekawa took a few steps forward and she was standing next to him.
She gave a soft, warm smile and something in Gero’s chest leaped. She placed a hand on his shoulder and he felt he might crumble,
“Come on, let’s finish this walk. Let me tell you about a recent job I did,” She began to walk again, her hand lifting from his shoulder.
The heat where her hand had once been seemed to linger even as he hesitated. He unclenched his fists and then clenched again, digging his nails even deeper. His nails were too dull to break skin, but one could hope. Gero took in a shaky breath and stuffed his hands into his pockets and dashed after Himekawa to catch up with her and listen intently to her story.
He cared about her, so so deeply. Was it not love? He thought only love would bring someone to care so intensely. Was friendship really as strong? Was he friends with Himekawa? Did he like being friends with her?
Why did the idea make him happier, when he imagined them as friends, rather than when he imagined them as a couple, with her as his bride?