Work Text:
Shane's stomach drops.
Ilya is sitting cross-legged less than a meter from the edge of the cliff. He looks young, with his curls falling to frame his moonlight-ridden face and his eyes fixed on the water below. The bruise on his collarbone has turned fully purple over the midnight hours, the aftermath of Ilya's fight with Kent a couple hours ago.
"Ilya?" he calls softly.
Ilya doesn't respond, doesn't look up. The miniscule tightening of his shoulders is the only sign that he heard Shane at all.
Slowly, Shane makes his way over and lowers himself onto the dusty ground next to Ilya. "If you're wanting to go cliff diving, this isn't a good spot. There are too many rocks."
Ilya gives a small nod. He closes his eyes and twin tears roll down his cheeks. "I am tired."
"Let's be tired at home," Shane urges, gently wrapping his hand around Ilya's wrist. Subtly, he checks Ilya's pulse, soothing the irrational part of his brain that's screaming that Ilya's already dead, that Shane is hallucinating, that it's already too late. Ilya's pulse is quick but steady.
"You go. I will be back in a few." Ilya's voice is hoarse.
Fuck, how long has he been out here by himself? Fifteen minutes? An hour? Longer? How long was Ilya staring down at the rocky depths before Shane woke up, how many excruciating moments passed in the time that Shane was running around the forest, trying to figure out where his boyfriend had wandered off to?
Shane shouldn't have let himself sleep so deeply after the day Ilya had. The chances of something like this happening were high enough that Shane should've anticipated it, but he's too busy being worried about Ilya to be angry at himself.
"Fuck off. I'm not leaving you here by yourself, asshole," Shane says softly. "I'll sit with you, as long as it takes."
Ilya makes a disgruntled nosie. "Go, Shane. I am fine."
"He was wrong. You know that, right?" Shane hates the desperate edge that's overtaken his voice, but barrels on anyway. "She would be proud of you. He was just trying to get under your skin. It's not as if he knew her."
"You didn't either," Ilya quietly points out.
"I know." A long moment later, Shane adds, "I wish I had the chance to."
"It is maybe for the best that you didn't."
Shane frowns at that, trying to ignore the hurt blossoming in his chest. This isn't about him and he knows it. "You said your mother would have liked me."
"As a person, yes. As my boyfriend, maybe. But I do not know. I tell myself this, tell myself that she would be proud, because it makes it not hurt so bad. But just because she was kind does not mean she would have been happy with me. And I cannot ask her, because she is not here."
Shane doesn't know what to say to that. Except, "Are you here because it makes you feel closer to her? Or are you thinking about…?"
The unspoken words hang heavy between them.
Were you thinking about jumping?
"I was thinking about," Ilya admits quietly. "But not anymore. I am just looking now, I promise."
Shane has known Ilya for over a decade. He knows all of Ilya's tells, and Ilya is still refusing to meet Shane's eyes. Shane's heart drops, and he tightens his grip on Ilya's wrist. He wonders if he could physically pull Ilya away from the edge if he needed to, or if Ilya is too strong. Maybe Shane's best bet would be to hold on and trust that Ilya wouldn't jump with Shane attached. Hopefully it won't come to that.
Luckily, Ilya doesn't move to stand.
"You're lying," Shane says flatly. Not accusing, but firm.
The edge of Ilya's lips curl upwards into a sardonic smile that doesn't reach his eyes. "I will tell you what I think. I think the fall would not kill me, only injure, so I am not going to try. Happy?"
Jesus fucking christ.
"What the fuck, Ilya. Of course I'm not fucking happy."
"Then maybe you should not ask next time."
Shane narrows his eyes, catching on to Ilya's intent immediately. "No. Just no. You can't push me away, you're my husband and I won't let you. Do you understand me? You're not alone and you never fucking will be. I promise."
"Maybe we should not have been married." The moment the words leave Ilya's mouth, Ilya's face crumples, a sob tearing itself from his throat. He buries his face in his hands. "Fuck. I am sorry, Shane. I did not mean that."
"I know," Shane says softly. "Please stop trying to make me angry with you, it's not going to work right now."
"Sorry. Fuck. Fuck. I'm being so stupid. This is not first time I've been called that word, and Alexei said worse things to me all the time, about our mother and about me liking men, and how even she would have hated me for it. This is not new."
Shane clenches his jaw so hard that his teeth ache. "What Kent said was way beyond that, but your feelings would still be valid even if you'd already heard those things a million times. And he's fucking lucky that I was on the other side of the rink, I would have put him on permanent injury reserve."
The next time they play Toronto, Shane fully plans on doing just that. Well, all the centaurs are planning on it, Shane is just the one in charge of the initiative.
"What if there was some truth to it though?"
Shane's going to kill Dallas Kent.
"Ilya, please look at me. Even if your mother wouldn't have been supportive, and even if she did somehow know you were bisexual before even you did, that wouldn't have driven her to suicide. You know that."
There's a long pause before Ilya mutters, "I know. Kent is just an asshole, da?"
"Yeah." Shane's voice cracks. "Yeah, he really fucking is."
Ilya nods, wiping tears from his face. Softly, he says, "Let's go back home."
Oh, thank god.
Shane stands, not loosening his grip on Ilya's wrist, and helps Ilya off the ground. Both their pants are wet with dew.
"Ilya. Ya tebya lyublyu. You're so loved, okay? Your mom loved you. I love you more than life itself. Svetlana would kill for you. Rose would help you hide a body, no questions asked. So would Marleau. And the Pike kids love you, and Jackie loves you, and Hayden loves you, even if he'd never admit it. Troy and Harris and Luca and Wyatt and literally every single person on our team would be fucking devastated if something happened to you. Don't even get me started about my mom and dad, they love you just as much as I do." Shane presses a kiss to Ilya's wet cheek. "Oh, and Anya loves you."
"Can't forget Anya," Ilya says, laughing wetly. "Ya tebya lyublyu, solnyshko."