Chapter Text
118 🔥
Bobby, Buck, Chimney, Eddie, Harry, Hen, Ravi
Monday 07:08am
Bobby: Good morning, team. Reminder that the documentary crew arrives today at 11:00am. Please be punctual, professional, and cooperative.
Buck: documentary day documentary day documentary day!!!
Eddie: Stop.
Chimney: i for one was born camera ready 📸✨
Hen: No one has ever said that about you.
Ravi: Wait, are they here all week?
Bobby: Yes. Through Friday.
Harry: respectfully, what is the protocol if a camera points at you and you say something stupid
Hen: That is called being on camera.
Buck: Harry just smile and nod. That’s what I do when people explain mortgages.
Eddie: Which is why you don’t have one.
Buck: okay wow
Chimney: i think the key is to act natural
which is hard because my natural state is compelling
Hen: Your natural state is loud.
Harry: Should I answer questions like normal or answer questions like I’m representing the station because those feel like different voices and one of them sounds like a narc
Bobby: Represent the station.
Harry: understood. narc voice.
Buck: Omg do we think they’ll get slow-motion shots of us getting off the truck
Eddie: You’re gonna trip in slow motion.
Buck: and you’ll catch me in slow motion because you’re a team player <3
Hen: Mm.
Ravi: He’s not wrong.
Bobby: Phones away when they arrive, please.
Buck: yes sir captain sir
Eddie: Don’t be weird.
Buck: I am never weird at work I don't know what you mean
Hen: I’m glad we’re all starting the day with fiction.
Ravi: i think i’d do fine in a documentary actually
Hen: Why.
Ravi: i have range
Buck: you do have range!!
Eddie: No, let him explain.
Ravi: thank you. okay.
i can do warm and heroic
i can do background competence
i can do “young firefighter staring into middle distance while someone says community”
i can do all of that.
Chimney: wow okay Spielberg
Harry: “background competence” is the funniest possible way to describe yourself
Ravi: thank you i’ve been cultivating it for years
Hen: Against all odds, he has.
Buck: wait now i want to know everybody’s documentary archetype
Eddie: No.
Buck: yes.
Chimney: i’m easy. breakout star.
Hen: Local man interrupts serious segment.
Ravi: no no i see it
Chim is “beloved veteran whose one quote accidentally changes the direction of the entire film”
Chimney: wow. gorgeous. flattering. i accept.
Hen: Disturbingly plausible.
Harry: what am i
Eddie: Cautionary tale.
Buck: EDDIE
Ravi: no, no, i’ve got this.
Harry is “promising rookie visibly having the worst week of his life.”
Harry: okay that’s actually too accurate
Hen: Better than cautionary tale.
Buck: Bobby’s is obvious. steady captain. anchor of the piece. calm in the storm. leadership. gravitas.
Bobby: Thank you, Buck.
Chimney: Bobby’s is “man who says one emotionally devastating thing at minute 42 and wins the audience forever”
Bobby: I would prefer not to devastate anyone.
Hen: And yet.
Harry: Hen’s would be “hyper-competent woman every viewer develops a crush on”
Hen: True.
Ravi: wow. he found confidence for that one.
Harry: fear sharpened me.
Buck: okay then Ravi what’s yours actually
Ravi: i already told you. background competence.
Eddie: That’s not an archetype. That’s an apology.
Ravi: wow rude.
fine.
mine is “surprisingly insightful younger firefighter who says one thing in episode three that turns into a viral gifset”
Buck: YES
Hen: Better.
Chimney: okay i can see that
Harry: unfortunately i can too
Ravi: thank you. and Buck’s is obvious.
Buck: handsome lead with depth?
Eddie: No.
Ravi: no.
Buck is “golden retriever man every editor loves because he keeps wandering into frame doing too much”
Buck: that is so mean
Hen: That is so correct.
Chimney: they’re going to get at least six shots of Buck gesturing with both hands while nobody asked
Buck: okay first of all i use my hands because i’m expressive
Ravi: exactly. editors love that.
they’ll be like wow look at him care with his whole body
Harry: “care with his whole body” is insane phrasing
Ravi: thank you
Buck: and what’s Eddie’s then, huh
Ravi: Eddie’s is unfair because documentary people lose their minds over guys who stand still and say four words and smile directly into the camera
Eddie: I hate that this sounds true.
Hen: Because it is.
Chimney: yes. yes.
eddie’s archetype is “quiet one the audience gets weird about”
Buck: okay rude. i get weird about him too but i’m private.
Eddie: Buck.
Ravi: wow. okay. weird sentence to leave lying around this early.
Buck: i meant like as a teammate!
like wow that guy is so cool and competent and annoying.
Hen: Good recovery. Bad setup.
Harry: do you think the documentary crew will make us say what we admire about each other because i will fake a medical emergency
Chimney: admire me first so you’re ready
Harry: i admire your confidence in situations where confidence is not supported by facts
Hen: That’s actually beautiful.
Ravi: frame it
Buck: mine for Ravi would be that he’s like. deceptively funny?
like you think he’s just standing there being normal and then suddenly he says something insane with a totally straight face.
Ravi: wow. that’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me.
Eddie: He’s right.
Ravi: excuse me??
you too??
Eddie: Don’t let it go to your head.
Ravi: too late. i’m cultivating my brand now.
if they interview me i’m giving them one perfect sentence and then disappearing like a myth.
Hen: You don’t have that much control over yourself.
Ravi: absolutely i do
Buck: Ravi if they ask what makes the 118 special what do you say
Ravi: “trauma bonding but with snacks”
Bobby: No.
Chimney: YES
Hen: Absolutely not.
Harry: okay but that’s incredibly strong
Ravi: thank you, Harry. finally someone here respects art.
Buck: oh my god if they ask about station dynamics i’m saying “we contain multitudes”
Eddie: You’re not saying anything that sounds like it belongs on a tote bag.
Ravi: wow. anti-poetry.
Chimney: eddie’s documentary archetype is definitely “man who accidentally says the coldest line in the film and then goes back to making coffee”
Buck: no yeah that one’s real
Harry: oh my god what if they ask us who we’d trust with our life
Hen: Standard answer. Everyone here.
Ravi: unless you want drama
then you pause first
Buck: ravi!!
Ravi: what? i’m thinking like an editor now.
Chimney: he’s evolving in front of us
Bobby: No one is pausing for drama.
Ravi: understood. no drama pauses.
but if they ask who in the station would survive a horror movie i am saying Hen.
Hen: Correct.
Harry: My mother.
Hen: She’s not in the station.
Harry: spiritually she’s in every building
Ravi: wow. true.
Buck: who dies first in the horror movie version of us
Eddie: You.
Buck: wow
Chimney: Buck, but only because he opens a door while saying “guys i think it’s okay now”
Hen: Also true.
Ravi: no wait.
Buck almost dies first, but survives because he’s too beloved by the narrative.
actual first death energy is a side character who says “I’ll be right back,” which means probably me.
Harry: that was way funnier than it should’ve been
Buck: NOOO ravi you’d make it. you’d have a secret useful skill
Ravi: thank you.
like lockpicking? latin? surprising upper body strength?
Eddie: You’re a firefighter. “Surprising upper body strength” is not a twist.
Ravi: wow. okay. dream crusher.
Hen: Keep going, Ravi. This is the most coherent you’ve ever been at 7 a.m.
Ravi: thank you, Hen.
i think if they ask me what i’ve learned from the 118 i should say
“that competence is real, love is stored in rituals, and nobody here can communicate normally.”
Buck: RAVI???
Harry: HELLO?????????
Chimney: oh wow okay he’s bringing themes
Eddie: No.
Hen: Strong line. You may not use it.
Bobby: Definitely not.
Ravi: wow. censorship.
Buck: “love is stored in rituals” is insane for a station documentary
Ravi: yes. that’s why it would eat.
Harry: i need him mic’d immediately actually
Eddie: No one mic him.
Ravi: if they ask what kind of family we are i’ll say “one that should maybe not be left unsupervised in public”
Hen: Better.
Buck: okay but genuinely that’s kind of perfect
Ravi: what about “loosely supervised ecosystem”
Hen: Worse.
Harry: “site of recurring emotional incidents”
Ravi: “high-functioning circus”
Buck: “community-based osha violation”
Eddie: Absolutely not.
Hen: That one was good, though.
Bobby: It was not.
Chimney: okay i’m crying
“community-based osha violation” is the t-shirt
Buck: THANK YOU
Ravi: ravi voice of reason moment: if any of you go into this trying to be funny, you will become unbearable.
Hen: True.
Harry: also true.
Buck: wow????
Ravi: which is why I will be funny by accident.
that’s craftsmanship.
Eddie: He’s learning.
Buck: no, wait, i actually respect that
Chimney: same. this is advanced.
Ravi: exactly. i’m not going to chase the bit.
i’m going to let the bit come to me in the wilderness.
Harry: i hate how much that sounds like it could work
Hen: That is because it will.
Buck: okay one last one.
if they ask what the station means to you, what do you say?
Harry: “employment”
Chimney: “the place where i became a man, unfortunately”
Hen: “work.”
Buck: wow okay hen
Hen: What. It is work.
Ravi: “a place where people will notice if you stop showing up.”
Buck: ravi?????????
Harry: dude??
Chimney: okay wow now i’m emotional before breakfast
Eddie: …that’s good.
Hen: Annoyingly good.
Bobby: That is a very fine answer, Ravi.
Ravi: thank you.
i contain multitudes.
Chimney: oh no we made him confident
Buck: this is huge for me personally. documentary week has unlocked hidden ravi
Ravi: no no i’ve always been like this.
you all just mistake “quiet” for “not observing.”
Eddie: Also true.
Harry: okay that one genuinely scared me a little
Buck: same actually
Bobby: Crew will be here shortly. Final reminder: no performances.
Ravi: understood. i will now become a tasteful enigma.
Hen: Please don’t call yourself that out loud.
Chimney: too late. that’s his archetype now.
Buck: TASTEFUL ENIGMA 😭
Harry: i’m changing my whole answer strategy.
if they ask me anything i’m just saying “i work with a tasteful enigma”
Eddie: Don’t.
Bobby: Absolutely not.
Ravi: wow. legacy.
High Stakes Customer Service
Josh, Linda, Maddie, May
Monday 07:16
Linda: Documentary crew at dispatch this afternoon. Clean desks. Neutral expressions. For some of you, this will require spiritual effort.
Josh: So we’re eliminating Maddie entirely.
Maddie: rude??
May: counterpoint: keep Maddie. she has the best “heroic dispatcher under pressure” face.
Maddie: thank you 💛
Josh: She also has the “my brother is one weird sentence away from an HR seminar” face.
Maddie: that one is hereditary.
May: what even are they asking for
Josh: “human moments,” which is documentary speak for “please embarrass yourselves naturally.”
Linda: As opposed to how you usually embarrass yourselves, which is with planning.
May: oh she came in HOT this morning
Josh: Linda woke up and chose workplace violence.
Linda: I woke up and chose competence. The rest of you made other selections.
Maddie: they’re filming the 118 too, right?
May: yes and Harry already texted me “how do i stand less like prey”
Josh: poor baby gazelle
Linda: He should try shoulders back and fewer haunted eyes.
May: PLSSSS
Maddie: that poor kid 😭
Josh: no because that’s exactly the problem. he stands like someone just said “be natural” at gunpoint.
May: same honestly
Linda: You are all being very charitable to a firefighter who is built like a church lamp and somehow still manages to look alarmed by open floor plans.
May: built like a church lamp is CRAZY
Josh: write that on my grave
Maddie: Linda 😭
Linda: If they ask about interdepartmental relations, keep it professional.
Josh: define professional
Linda: You know exactly what I mean.
Josh: no, I know several versions and all of them are funny.
May: we actually do not know what you mean. that’s why we’re like this.
Linda: What you are is employed. Start there.
May: okay but if they ask me what dispatch is like i am saying “high stakes customer service”
Josh: that eats actually
Linda: No, it does not “eat.” It barely nibbles.
May: HELP she’s adapting to my slang just to hurt me
Maddie: that’s honestly kind of iconic
Linda: If either of you says “iconic” to the documentary crew, I will personally unplug your consoles.
Josh: noted.
what about “legacy-defining”
Linda: Joshua.
Josh: sorry. workplace-appropriate queen.
May: JOSH
Linda: I’m adding ten minutes to your suffering for that.
Maddie: Do we know what kind of questions they’re asking yet?
Josh: probably “what does dispatch mean to you” and “how do you stay calm under pressure” and “who here is secretly the emotional backbone of the city”
May: which is maddie obviously
Maddie: stoppp 💛
Linda: Correct! So let her answer in full sentences.
Josh: wow. public endorsement. huge day for Maddie.
May: screen recording this for the archives
Linda: Don’t.
May: too late in my heart
Josh: if they ask me what dispatch means to me i’m going to say “a fascinating social experiment”
Linda: And I’m going to say you were raised without supervision.
May: also true
Maddie: definitely true
Josh: wow okay betrayal from all sides
Linda: Good. Maybe it will build character before noon.
youth division
Harry, May, Ravi
Monday 07:29am
Harry: emergency
May: you’re vertical. that’s not an emergency yet.
Harry: i don’t know what face to do all day
Ravi: your usual one?
Harry: my usual one is “did i leave the stove on” and “please don’t perceive me” at the same time
May: honestly that’s a strong face for documentary work
Ravi: yeah that’s not a flaw, that’s texture
Harry: i don’t want texture.
May: too late. you’re already giving “startled intern in a hospital drama”
Ravi: no, he’s right between “witness protection teenager” and “baby deer hearing a branch snap”
Harry: this chat is not a safe space for me
May: it has literally never been that
Ravi: just don’t say anything weird
Harry: that advice feels targeted
May: because it is
Ravi: also statistically necessary
Harry: wow okay
May: what are you even worried they’ll ask
Harry: i don’t know. stuff.
“what inspires you”
“what have you learned”
“how does it feel being a probie”
all of which have answers that sound fake when i say them out loud
Ravi: then don’t answer like a person being interviewed. answer like a plaque.
Harry: what does that mean
Ravi: short. vague. sounds polished.
like “every day is a chance to grow.”
that means nothing and people love it.
May: HELP
Harry: wait that’s actually good
Ravi: thank you. i know how to survive adults with clipboards.
May: that is the most specific skill set ever
Harry: also Buck is thrilled which feels bad for all of us
Ravi: yeah he keeps calling it “our media era”
May: oh no
Ravi: he said it this morning while pointing at the toaster like it was paparazzi
Harry: that man should not be observed professionally
May: buck with a camera nearby is like giving an ipad to a Victorian child
Ravi: no exactly. wonder, greed, immediate overstimulation.
Harry: do you think he’s going to accidentally become the main character
Ravi: accidentally? no. instantly? yes.
May: and eddie’s going to stand there giving one-word answers and somehow that’ll make it worse
Ravi: documentary people love a man who looks emotionally unavailable but competent
Harry: wow okay that was weirdly insightful
Ravi: thank you. i watch television.
May: what do you think your documentary archetype is then
Ravi: tasteful enigma
Harry: absolutely not
May: LMAOOOOO
Ravi: okay fine.
“quiet firefighter who says one unexpectedly profound thing in the middle and then disappears into the background”
May: wait. unfortunately yes.
Harry: hate that that would actually kill
Ravi: thank you. i’ve been saying i have range
May: and what am i
Ravi: easy.
“young woman with perfect eyeliner and devastating side commentary.”
May: okayyyyy i’ll take it
Harry: what am i then
Ravi: “visibly promising rookie having the longest week of his life.”
Harry: that’s not even a joke. that’s just prophecy.
May: and Buck?
Ravi: “golden retriever first responder every editor keeps cutting back to because he’s doing too much with both hands.”
Harry: SCREAMING
May: that is violently accurate
Ravi: and Eddie is “man of few words the audience gets weird about online.”
Harry: ravi???
May: ravi??????
Ravi: what. i’m right.
Harry: you are, which is the upsetting part
May: okay but real advice. what do i do if they put a mic on me and i become aware of my own breathing
Ravi: easier. you were built for this.
May: correct
Harry: wow. support for her. none for me.
Ravi: because you panic like a horse that just discovered mirrors
Harry: I HATE IT HERE
May: no that one was crazy 😭
Ravi: sorry.
counterpoint: if you feel a panic spiral coming on, just look at Buck.
whatever you’re doing will immediately become the second most embarrassing thing in the room.
Harry: wait that’s genuinely comforting
May: honestly yeah
Ravi: see? i’m helpful.
tasteful enigma and union-approved coping mechanism.
Buck & Eddie
Monday 7:40am
Buck: husband
Eddie: No.
Buck: wow, starting cold.
Eddie: Starting careful.
Buck: okay fair
counterpoint: husband :)
Eddie: You are enjoying this too much.
Buck: i’m enjoying you too much, actually
Eddie: Focus.
Buck: wow. okay.
strategy session?
Eddie: Normal.
Buck: define normal.
Eddie: We do not act like we split groceries.
Buck: devastating. anti-love.
Eddie: We do not act like I know your coffee order, your takeout order, your “I’m fine” voice, or exactly how long it takes you to lose your keys in the morning.
Buck: okay wow. first of all, romantic.
second, i do not lose my keys every morning.
Eddie: Four mornings out of seven is not helping your case.
Buck: wow. okay. keeping stats on me.
that’s marriage.
Eddie: Unfortunately.
Buck: “unfortunately” but you sound obsessed with me
Eddie: I married you. That part is public record.
The obsession is implied.
Buck: EDDIE?????
Eddie: Keep up.
Buck: oh i’m keeping up. i’m keeping that forever, actually.
Eddie: We also do not act like we know each other’s moods on sight.
Buck: devastating part two
Eddie: Buck, you look at me like you’re trying to crawl into my ribcage and live there. Tone it down.
Buck: wow.
that was the craziest and most beautiful thing anyone’s ever said to me before 8 a.m.
Eddie: I’m serious.
Buck: i know. that’s what made it hot.
Eddie: Jesus Christ.
Buck: can I still flirt in a way everyone thinks is a joke
Eddie: Within reason.
Buck: your definition of reason is oppressive
Eddie: My definition of reason is that you cannot heart-react every time I insult you.
Buck: so controlling. so brave.
Eddie: And you cannot stare at me every time I say something competent.
Buck: impossible ask.
Eddie: You’ve survived worse.
Buck: not emotionally.
Eddie: You’ll live.
Buck: okay but can i still call you pretty in my head
Eddie: That’s between you and God.
Buck: and you? a little?
Eddie: I assume most things about me are between you and me a little.
Buck: oh my GOD
Eddie: Focus.
Buck: yeah because your mean little texts make my day
Eddie: Good.
Mine too.
Buck: ???????????????
Eddie: Don’t make this a thing.
Buck: eddie
Eddie: Buck.
Buck: you are literally the softest man alive under, like, three thousand layers of repression.
Eddie: And yet you kept digging.
Buck: worth it ❤️
Eddie: Not in writing.
Buck: too late.
Maddie & Buck
Monday 07:59am
Maddie: please do not accidentally call Eddie “baby” on camera
Buck: that happened one time
Maddie: it happened in front of me, Chim, and a cashier
Buck: and nobody noticed!
Maddie: because the world is full of fools, Evan
Buck: wow. harsh from my own sister.
Maddie: I love you. I’m also correct.
Buck: we’re gonna be fine
we’ve hidden it this long
Maddie: That is a very generous word for what happened.
Buck: excuse me???
Maddie: You didn’t “hide” it. Everyone around you just failed several open-book tests.
Buck: still counts 💛
Maddie: it absolutely does not
Buck: okay wow. hate the lack of support
Maddie: I am supporting you by trying to stop you from doing something insane on camera.
Buck: define insane
Maddie: pet names. lingering eye contact. instinctively fixing his collar. saying “we should pick up milk” in front of coworkers.
Buck: okay first of all i have never said “we should pick up milk” at work
Maddie: not at work.
in the parking lot.
where Hen was ten feet away.
Buck: she didn’t hear me!
Maddie: because, again, fools.
Buck: wow. you really have no faith in the observational skills of our loved ones.
Maddie: Evan, Chimney once listened to you explain Eddie’s coffee order, Chris’s school schedule, and the location of the good Tupperware and just nodded like that was a normal amount of information for a coworker to have.
Buck: okay but to be fair i made it sound casual
Maddie: No, you made it sound domestic.
Buck: potato potato
Maddie: that phrase does not apply here
Buck: i think we’ve actually been super subtle.
Maddie: You got married and then continued acting exactly like yourselves, which is how I know love is real and subtlety is dead.
Buck: wow. kind of beautiful though.
Maddie: don’t get distracted by the poetry. I’m insulting you.
Buck: i know 💛
it’s very sister of you.
Maddie: good.
also, reminder: no automatic husband behavior.
Buck: okay but what exactly counts as automatic husband behavior
Maddie: the fact that you have to ask that is horrific.
Buck: maddieeee
Maddie: Fine.
automatic husband behavior includes:
remembering his lunch
adjusting his gear without thinking
taking his coffee when his hands are full
standing too close
looking at him like the sun rose because he allowed it
Buck: wow. okay.
that last one feels personal.
Maddie: because I’ve seen your face.
Buck: rude
Maddie: accurate
Buck: i don’t look at him like that all the time.
Maddie: no, just every time he breathes near you in a way you find emotionally significant.
Buck: unbelievable slander from a woman i trusted.
Maddie: and yet you keep proving me right.
Buck: okay, fine. counterpoint: Eddie is also bad at this.
Maddie: yes.
but Eddie’s version of bad is staring at you for half a second too long and then becoming even quieter somehow.
your version of bad is acting like a golden retriever who got legally recognized.
Buck: that is SUCH a good description of me actually
Maddie: I know.
Buck: wait do you think Eddie’s going to be okay
Maddie: oh, Eddie will be fine.
Buck: wow
Maddie: you’re the problem.
Buck: i’m always the problem in your stories :(
Maddie: because you are the one most likely to do something like call him “sweetheart” by accident because he handed you a wrench.
Buck: okay but in my defense that would be his fault for being helpful.
Maddie: do you hear yourself
Buck: constantly. it’s exhausting.
Maddie: Also, do not get competitive.
Buck: what does that mean
Maddie: If the cameras like Eddie more, do not try to become more likable.
Buck: I would never
Maddie: buck.
Buck: okay i would maybe a little.
Maddie: I knew it.
you’ll start doing too much with your hands and suddenly the documentary becomes about “charismatic firefighter with suspicious attachment to one specific paramedic.”
Buck: wow. okay. first of all, that’s a great documentary title.
Maddie: no.
Buck: second of all, “suspicious attachment” is so dramatic.
Maddie: Is it.
Buck: …no.
Maddie: thank you.
Buck: okay but for real, do you think people are gonna notice?
Maddie: Not because you’re hiding well.
Because somehow everyone you know has spent years looking directly at the evidence and deciding it’s probably teamwork.
Buck: that’s kind of beautiful too.
Maddie: It’s kind of embarrassing.
Buck: same difference
Maddie: not even a little
Buck: if it makes you feel better, i’m taking this seriously.
Maddie: Good.
Buck: i have a full plan.
Maddie: That sentence has never comforted me once in my life.
Buck: wow
Maddie: Tell me the plan.
Buck: okay.
1. act normal
2. don’t flirt too obviously
3. don’t call him husband
4. don’t react too hard when he says something hot and competent
5. no heart reactions to his texts in public chats.
Maddie: …you needed to write down number 5?
Buck: yes.
self-knowledge is growth.
Maddie: and what happens when he inevitably says something dry and devastating and you fall in love all over again in the work group chat
Buck: then i suffer privately like a gentleman
Maddie: no you won’t. you’ll type “wow okay” and add a heart anyway.
Buck: wow okay.
Maddie: See? Muscle memory.
Buck: this is so unfair.
why does being married to someone have to be visible in my whole face and body
Maddie: because you’re you.
Buck: yeah. okay. fair.
Maddie: Deep breath. You’ll be okay.
You two are good at this. Just don’t get smug.
Buck: i’m never smug
Maddie: Buck.
Buck: okay but like. a little smug.
we did marry each other in secret and nobody noticed. that’s objectively funny.
Maddie: It is.
It’s also the reason I don’t trust either of you unsupervised around a camera crew.
Buck: love you 💛
Maddie: love you too.
don’t make me regret it before 9 a.m.
Buck: no promises
Maddie: BUCK.
Eddie & Chris
Monday 08:00am
Eddie: Documentary crew at the station this week.
Chris: lol
Eddie: Don’t.
Chris: are they gonna catch you and Buck doing your “we’re so normal” act
Eddie: We are normal.
Chris: You secretly married your best friend. weird baseline.
Eddie: Private doesn’t mean weird.
Chris: it definitely means weird when it’s you two
Eddie: At school?
Chris: yes
Eddie: Then stay there.
Chris: wow censorship
Eddie: Correct.
Eddie, Buck & Chris
Monday 08:15am
Buck: chris if a camera appears anywhere near you this week you say absolutely nothing suspicious
Chris: define suspicious
Eddie: Anything true.
Chris: oppressive household
Buck: technically not a household in text
Chris: spiritually one though
Eddie: Christopher.
Chris: okay fine. i’ll simply lie.
Buck: that’s my boy
Eddie: Don’t say that in public either.
Buck: wow okay
Chris: wait, is “that’s my boy” banned because it’s too dad-y or because you make it weird when you sound emotional
Buck: excuse me i never make anything weird
Eddie: That is maybe the least true thing anyone has ever typed.
Chris: agreed
Buck: unbelievable. double-teamed before 9 a.m.
Chris: it’s what you deserve
Eddie: Correct.
Buck: okay wow. since apparently i’m being bullied in my own family group chat—
Chris: “family group chat”
Buck: in my own. extremely normal. chat.
Chris: sure
Eddie: Focus.
Buck: right. okay. Chris, examples of suspicious things include: calling me anything affectionate implying i live there referring to us as a unit making jokes about paperwork mentioning rings mentioning city hall mentioning tacos
Chris: wow okay so basically all the funniest options are gone
Eddie: Yes.
Chris: and if someone asks who Buck is to me
Buck: beloved family friend?
Chris: that is the worst thing you’ve ever said
Eddie: Truly awful.
Buck: WOW
Chris: “beloved family friend” sounds like you died in a horse accident in 1912
Eddie: He’s right.
Buck: okay, rude. what should he say then
Eddie: He should say nothing unless directly asked.
Chris: and if directly asked
Eddie: “Buck’s around a lot.”
Chris: that’s somehow more incriminating
Buck: yeah no that sounds like you found a raccoon and got attached
Eddie: Fine.“He’s a close family friend.”
Chris: still Victorian. still dead on horseback.
Buck: thank you.
Eddie: You two are impossible.
Chris: says the man who secretly married his best friend and then got mad when i noticed
Eddie: I wasn’t mad.
Chris: you were medium mad.
Buck: he was medium mad. i was there.
Eddie: Great. Glad we’re taking minutes now.
Chris: should i maybe just say “this is Buck” and let the cameras zoom in on the tension
Buck: no
Eddie: Absolutely not.
Chris: okay okay.what about if they ask who usually makes dinner
Buck: oh definitely don’t answer that
Chris: wow. interesting.
Eddie: Christopher.
Chris: what? i’m learning where the land mines are.
Buck: there are so many more than you think
Chris: yeah, because you two are apparently one accidental grocery list away from exposure
Eddie: That is not true.
Chris: Dad, you once said “we’re out of dish soap” to Buck in front of two other firefighters.
Buck: to be fair, we were out of dish soap
Chris: exactly my point
Eddie: Neither of you are helping.
Chris: i think i’m being very helpful actually. i’m stress-testing the cover story.
Buck: okay mr. cia. what else you got
Chris: if someone asks me what Buck means to our family—
Eddie: No.
Buck: absolutely not.
Chris: wow. so no one even let me finish.
Eddie: Because I know you.
Chris: rude but fair
Buck: no seriously that question is banned by international law
Chris: okay but now i’m curious too
what would you want me to say
Buck: “He helps out sometimes” maybe?
Chris: that’s so lame. that sounds like you mow lawns.
Eddie: Better than the truth.
Chris: okay, but just so we’re clear, the truth would eat.
Buck: it really would
Eddie: Both of you stop saying that.
Chris: sorry. the truth would devastate
.
Buck: much better
Eddie: Somehow worse.
Chris: all right, new question. what if they ask me how long you’ve known Buck
Buck: oh that one’s safe
Chris: “long enough to know he uses all the hot water and calls it self-care”?
Eddie: Not safe.
Buck: wow. okay. first of all, rude. second of all, true.
Chris: suspicious = anything true. got it.
Eddie: Glad somebody’s listening.
Buck: i’m listening!
Chris: no, you’re improvising. different skill set.
Buck: WOW
Eddie: Also true.
Buck: why am i getting tag-teamed by the Diaz men this morning
Chris: because you’re outnumbered and emotionally available
Buck: that is the meanest thing anyone’s ever said to me lovingly
Eddie: And yet accurate.
Chris: okay final offer. if a camera gets near me, i’ll just say “no comment” and stare into the middle distance like i know state secrets.
Buck: honestly? strong.
Eddie: Better.
Chris: thank you. i’ll bring gravitas.
Buck: that’s my—
never mind.
Chris: coward
Eddie: Learn from this feeling.
Buck: this family is brutal
Chris: spiritually, yes.
EVERYONE
Monday 10:04
Buck: documentary week!!!!! everybody say something iconic so I can imagine the trailer voice-over
Athena: No.
Karen: I am not participating in whatever attention-seeking ritual this is.
Josh: “In a city of chaos, one station forgot what indoor voices are.”
May: [GIF: Kermit flailing through a burning room]
Maddie: Please don’t rile him up before cameras are even there
Buck: too late 😎
Harry: if they put a mic pack on me i’m going to immediately become aware of my own organs
May: please do that off camera
Josh: no, keep it on camera. i want the full National Geographic narration.
“the young probie senses danger and begins to perspire”
Harry: wow okay
Chimney: i think if they ask for a tagline mine should be “answering the call 😏”
Hen: Please don’t ever make that face in text again.
Karen: Also don’t make it in person.
Buck: mine would be “somebody’s gotta look good carrying the hose”
Eddie: No.
Athena: Absolutely not.
Josh: oh great, now the documentary has a himbo subplot
Maddie: “sub” implies it’s not the main one
May: HELP
Bobby: No taglines.
Josh: “No taglines” is kind of a tagline.
Athena reacted 👍 to Josh’s message
Chimney: Bobby’s tagline is “steady hands, steady heart”
Bobby: It is not.
Hen: It is now.
May: okay wait no because Hen’s would actually be something terrifyingly efficient like “try to keep up”
Hen: Better.
Karen: Accurate.
Harry: what’s mine
Josh: “please don’t look at me”
May: no, his is “still learning, visibly”
Harry: that feels mean
Athena: It feels true.
Harry: this family has no tenderness
Buck: ravi’s would be “quiet until suddenly devastatingly funny”
Ravi: wow. thank you. i’ll put that on my linkedin.
May: that’s actually kind of perfect though
Josh: Eddie’s tagline is just three seconds of silence and then one line that ruins the audience emotionally
Buck: yeah okay that one’s real
Eddie: I hate all of you.
May: there it is. print it.
Chimney: Buck’s is definitely “too much, but in a community-minded way”
Hen: Unbelievably accurate.
Buck: wow????
Karen: I actually think Buck’s is “golden retriever with municipal clearance.”
Josh: SCREAMING
May: civic himbo
Buck: okay first of all rude
second of all incredible
Maddie: i’m so proud of you for taking that as a compliment 💛
Harry: what if they ask me something simple and i answer in a way that accidentally implies i’ve never met another human being
Athena: Then they will have captured you authentically.
Harry: mom??
Bobby: Let’s all remember this is a documentary, not a competition.
Josh: every documentary is a competition. that’s what editing is.
May: okay but if this gets cut into a trailer and one of you says “we’re a family” while Buck jogs in slow motion, i’m suing
Eddie: You’d lose.
May: why
Eddie: Because it would be true.
Josh: HMMMMMMMMM
Buck: because teamwork, may. teamwork.
Karen: Sure.
Athena: Mm.
Chimney: okay wait last one
if the trailer ends with one quote before the title card, what are you all picking
Hen: “No.”
Josh: “Who authorized this.”
May: “please don’t make me look dusty on municipal television.”
Harry: “is this mic hearing my heartbeat.”
Ravi: “that feels like an odd question for a stranger to ask me before coffee.”
Buck: ravi???? that’s incredible
Ravi: thank you.
Maddie: mine would be “we do the best we can for people on their worst days” 💛
Josh: wow okay maddie brought sincerity to a clown fight
Karen: As expected.
Athena: Mine would be “watch your footing.”
Buck: because safety!
Athena: No. Because all of you are idiots.
Chimney: wow. chills.
Bobby: Phones away.
Josh: that one can be your tagline too
Buck: okay final answer mine is
“somebody cue the slow motion”
Eddie: Mine is “No.”
Buck: wow. see? chemistry.
Eddie: Not helping yourself.
Hen & Karen
Monday 10:29am
Karen: So how many times has Buck said “documentary” out loud this morning
Hen: Too many.
Karen: helpful estimate
Hen: I’m conserving energy.
Karen: wise.
did Chim really try to pitch a tagline before breakfast
Hen: Yes.
Karen: incredible. no notes.
Hen: I had several notes.
Karen: and yet he lives
Hen: Barely.
Karen: Harry doing that thing where he stands like someone apologized to him personally for being in a room
Hen: Accurate.
Karen: sweet kid. deeply visible panic.
Hen: He’ll be fine.
Karen: and Buck?
Hen: No.
Karen: that wasn’t the question
Hen: Still my answer.
Karen: okay, but the image of him trying to “act natural” is making me laugh in a really unkind way
Hen: Be kind, then.
Karen: I am kind.
I’m laughing privately with my wife.
Hen: Better.
Karen: any chance Eddie just fully walks away from a camera
Hen: High.
Karen: and any chance that somehow makes him more interesting on film
Hen: Also high.
Karen: amazing.
you really did marry into a weird little ecosystem.
Hen: So did you.
Karen: true ❤️
Hen: Don’t get smug.
Karen: too late. i’m already imagining the dramatic slow-motion coffee pouring.
Hen: Hate that.
Karen: I know. that’s why it’s funny.
118 🔥
Monday 11:04
Bobby: Crew has arrived.
Buck: THEY’RE HERE
Eddie: Put your phone away.
Ravi: they have so much equipment
Chimney: there’s a boom mic in our kitchen like we’re rare birds being studied during mating season
Hen: You are not rare.
Harry: i just got told to “forget the camera is there” and i need everyone to understand that i have never remembered anything harder in my life
Buck: [Photo attachment: boom mic over coffee pot]
look at this thing!!!
Bobby: Evan.
Buck: deleting
Eddie: You didn’t delete it.
Buck: spiritually
Ravi: “spiritually” is doing a lot of heavy lifting for you this morning
Buck: it’s a strong word
Harry: one of them just asked me what being a probie has taught me and i said “humility”
Hen: Good answer.
Harry: i said it like i was at a funeral
Ravi: still counts. if you sound haunted, people assume depth.
Chimney: wow okay. ravi’s ready for press.
Ravi: i’ve always been ready. no one asked.
Buck: wait that’s actually so true
Harry: i don’t feel depth. i feel nausea.
Eddie: That’s also probie training.
Hen: Correct.
Chimney: producer asked if we’re always like this
i said “worse” 😌
Hen: Also a good answer.
Bobby: Let’s give them no reason to linger on the group chat, please.
Buck: noted!
everyone act natural and hot
Eddie: Strike one.
Ravi: are those two separate instructions or a package deal
Buck: package deal, obviously
Hen: For you, impossible either way.
Buck: wow okay
Harry: how do i act natural if i’m currently aware of my own blinking
Ravi: don’t fight it. blink like it’s intentional.
Harry: what does that mean
Ravi: slower. with purpose. like you’ve been in documentaries before.
Harry: that is psychotic advice
Ravi: and yet you’re considering it
Harry: i hate that you’re right
Chimney: one of the camera guys just nodded at me like he already knows my secrets
Hen: He probably knows you’re loud.
Chimney: that’s not a secret. that’s branding.
Buck: do you think they’ll get a cool shot of us suiting up
Eddie: Only if you stop texting and suit up.
Buck: bossy
Eddie: Efficient.
Ravi: documentary people do love a man who says one word like a slammed car door
Buck: THANK YOU
Eddie: That was not a compliment to you.
Ravi: no, that one was for Eddie. yours is “golden retriever in a municipal vest.”
Buck: i’m being bullied in a government facility
Hen: As you should be.
Harry: okay new problem
what if they ask me what kind of firefighter i want to be and i say something accidentally insane
Ravi: then don’t freestyle.
say “dependable.”
Harry: that feels smart
Ravi: because it means nothing specific and everything flattering.
Hen: He’s right.
Harry: why are you all acting like Ravi is some kind of media strategist
Chimney: because he kind of is right now
Ravi: thank you. i’m entering my consultant era.
Bobby: No one is entering an era. Put your phones away.
Buck: yes cap
Ravi: one of them just asked where the best light in the station is and Buck visibly looked like he was about to answer from the heart
Buck: because i KNOW where the best light is
Eddie: Of course you do.
Hen: Damning.
Harry: i genuinely think if someone clips a mic to me i’ll leave my body
Ravi: ideal. less of you there to panic.
Harry: that’s not comforting
Ravi: it’s not supposed to be comforting. it’s supposed to be useful.
Chimney: okay wait this is crazy
they just said they want “candid station energy”
Hen: Then they’re in the wrong building.
Buck: no wait we can do candid
Eddie: You cannot.
Ravi: Buck, your version of candid is making direct eye contact with a lens and becoming more yourself.
Buck: wow. okay. first of all rude.
Ravi: second of all accurate.
Buck: still rude
Bobby: Phones away. Now.
Buck: going
Harry: if i die tell people i was humble
Eddie: If you die, you were not listening.
Hen: Better luck with that than with “natural.”
Ravi: okay everybody breathe.
remember: if you feel awkward, just stand near Buck. whatever you’re doing will immediately become the second strangest thing in frame.
Buck: HEY
Chimney: no no let him cook
Harry: wait that actually helped
Hen: annoyingly, yes.
Eddie: We’re done here.
Buck: wow. strike two energy.
Eddie: Strike two.
youth division
Monday 12:14
Harry: mayday mayday
May: not how that phrase works but okay
Harry: they put a mic on me and now i can hear my own breathing
May: skill issue
Ravi: you’re fine. just answer short.
Harry: they asked what it’s like working under Bobby and i said “clarifying”
May: …for what
Harry: i don’t know i panicked and now i sound like i joined a monastery
Ravi: honestly kind of strong
May: yeah weirdly that works
Harry: thank god.
what if they ask me about Buck
May: say he’s a good firefighter and a supportive coworker
Ravi: yes. supportive. not “beloved.”
May: exactly
Harry: why is beloved bad
May: too much glitter on it somehow
Ravi: yeah, beloved sounds like he died in a shipwreck and now the whole town lights candles for him every winter
May: HELP
Harry: okay so not beloved
Ravi: definitely not beloved
Harry: admired?
May: too linkedin
Ravi: valued.
May: annoyingly, that’s good.
Harry: okay. valued.
what about if they ask what he brings to the station
May: chaos. but don’t say that.
Ravi: morale.
which is a professional way to say chaos people are fond of.
May: wow okay, that was slick
Ravi: thank you. i’m gifted under pressure.
May: is that what we’re calling it
Ravi: what are you calling it
May: suspiciously prepared
Ravi: maybe i just contain multitudes
May: maybe you rehearsed in the mirror
Ravi: wow. hurtful.
for the record, i do not need a mirror to be naturally composed and quotable.
May: that is maybe the flirtiest thing anyone has ever said about themselves
Ravi: good. i worked hard on it.
Harry: hello i’m still panicking in this chat
May: sorry baby gazelle continue
Harry: RUDE
Ravi: affectionate though
Harry: okay but genuinely what if they ask me what being a probie is like and i accidentally say something that makes it sound like Bobby adopted me in a storm
May: honestly that would play
Ravi: yes. as long as you keep it vague.
don’t tell a story. just imply one.
Harry: what does that mean
Ravi: say something like “it teaches you who you are pretty fast.”
sounds deep. reveals nothing. documentary people eat that up.
May: okay wait no that’s really good
Harry: why are you like this
Ravi: silent excellence mostly
May: you are literally texting. that is the opposite of silent
Ravi: okay, then excellence with reception
May: i hate that i laughed
Harry: i’m taking notes by the way
May: as you should. ravi is weirdly in his bag today
Ravi: weirdly?
May: yes weirdly. usually you’re just standing there being normal and then suddenly you say something insane with your whole chest
Ravi: wow. that’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me.
May: don’t get used to it
Ravi: too late
Harry: can we focus on ME
May: no ❤️
Ravi: okay, focus.
if they ask about Buck, say:
good firefighter
good with people
encouraging
occasionally too enthusiastic, if you need balance
Harry: “occasionally too enthusiastic” is so funny
May: it also sounds diplomatic.
like you work for the UN but with hoses.
Ravi: exactly
Harry: what about Eddie
May: “competent” and then let the camera zoom in dramatically
Ravi: no, for Eddie you say “steady.”
it makes him sound like an old tree in a children’s book.
May: ravi that was weirdly beautiful
Ravi: thank you. i’m romantic by accident.
May: sure you are
Harry: oh my god are you flirting right now while i’m in crisis
May: multitasking is a life skill
Ravi: also your crisis is mostly branding
Harry: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN
Ravi: it means you’re going to be fine.
you look nervous in a way people find endearing, not concerning.
May: yeah. you’re not giving “lawsuit.”
you’re giving “earnest young man trying his best.”
Harry: wow okay. that actually helped.
Ravi: see? useful and hot.
May: ravi?????
Ravi: sorry. useful and calm.
May: no you’re not sorry at all
Ravi: correct
Harry: i can’t do this today
May: you can and you will.
just remember: no oversharing, no weirdly poetic nouns, no “beloved.”
Ravi: and if all else fails, pause, look thoughtful, and say “it’s been a real education.”
Harry: wow. okay. that’s also good.
May: sickening. he really is thriving.
Ravi: thank you. i’m having a strong quarter.
May: ew
Harry: wait they’re coming back hold on
if i die tell people i was valued
May: see? already learning.
Ravi: proud of you, baby gazelle.
Harry: i hate both of you so much
118 🔥
Monday 3:03pm
Buck: okay. one of them asked how long Eddie and I have worked together and I said “long enough to know he hates pulp and pretends not to” and then laughed like that was a normal coworker observation
Hen: It is not.
Eddie: Medium bad.
Buck: thank you for the grading rubric
Ravi: no, wait, you can still save that.
If pressed, just make it about station breakfasts and communal suffering.
Buck: see?? ravi gets me
Hen: Ravi gets narrative control. Not you.
Chimney: producer asked if any pair here has a particularly close working bond and i said “Buck and Eddie are weirdly in sync but that’s probably because Buck is loud”
Ravi: 😭
Buck: “probably because Buck is loud” is so rude actually
Eddie: It’s also true.
Harry: WHY WOULD YOU GIVE THEM A PAIR
Chimney: because i panicked!!!
she said “for example?” in a documentary voice
Buck: what is a documentary voice
Hen: The kind that makes idiots confess.
Bobby: Next time say the station operates as a unit.
Chimney: yes thank you Bobby from the future
Ravi: also “in sync” is recoverable.
all firefighters should be in sync.
that’s literally the job.
Eddie: Correct.
Buck: exactly. see? not weird.
Hen: Less weird than pulp. More weird than average.
Buck: wow okay
Chimney: oh no wait
then she asked who could describe the other most accurately and i said “probably each other”
Hen: CHIM.
Harry: respectfully are you trying to kill us
Buck: WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT
Chimney: because it’s true??????
Eddie: Stop answering questions.
Ravi: no, no, that one’s still technically fine if everyone commits.
Harry: COMMITS TO WHAT
Ravi: to acting like that’s about work.
which, to be fair, it is.
Buck’s reckless in a very specific way and Eddie’s grumpy in a very specific way. everybody here could identify both blindfolded.
Hen: Annoyingly solid
Buck: thank you ravi!!
Eddie: He’s right.
Harry: okay. yeah. actually that helps.
Chimney: see!!
i wasn’t outing anyone. i was describing station weirdness.
Hen: “Outing anyone” is a crazy phrase to use there.
Chimney: you know what i mean
Buck: no because genuinely, if they ask again, we just make everything sound operational.
Eddie: Exactly.
Ravi: yes.
you don’t “know each other well,” you “communicate effectively under pressure.”
you don’t “anticipate each other,” you “have developed efficient coordination.”
you don’t “understand each other on sight,” you “recognize patterns in the field.”
Harry: why are you suddenly the pr manager for secret weirdness
Ravi: because none of you can be trusted to phrase things like adults
Buck: wow. rude. accurate. helpful.
Eddie: Very.
Chimney: okay wait that’s actually genius
“recognize patterns in the field” sounds so legal
Hen: Which is what you need right now.
Buck: i can do legal.
if they ask how i know Eddie’s thinking, i’ll say “years of shared experience in high-stakes emergency response.”
Eddie: Better.
Ravi: yeah that’s good.
boring enough to live. specific enough to sound true.
Harry: “boring enough to live” is where i’m at emotionally right now.
Buck: wow. okay.
but for the record i do think “he hates pulp and pretends not to” sounded casual
Hen: It sounded intimate.
Buck: WHAT
Eddie: It did.
Buck: how???
Ravi: because it’s not just that you know he hates pulp.
it’s that you know he lies about it.
that’s advanced information.
Harry: exactly!!!
Buck: wow. okay.
so what do i say if it comes up again
Eddie: Don’t elaborate.
Ravi: or downgrade it.
say he drinks whatever’s in the fridge and complains later.
that sounds less like insight and more like observation.
Buck: that’s really good actually
Eddie: Because it’s true.
Buck: wow. okay.
the irony of you helping me hide how well i know you by giving me more accurate information about you.
Eddie: Focus.
Chimney: okay but are we all agreeing that “particularly close working bond” is a loaded question
Hen: No. It’s a normal question. You just answer them like a man with unsecured documents.
Ravi: yeah, they’re not actually accusing anybody of anything.
they’re making television.
they want pairs, contrasts, habits, dynamics.
all we have to do is sound normal about our weirdness.
Buck: “our weirdness” is such a phrase
Ravi: the station’s weirdness.
don’t make eye contact with that wording.
Eddie: Too late. He did.
Buck: i felt accused!!
Harry: i just need everyone to know i’m one “what makes this team special” question away from vomiting
Ravi: no you’re not.
you’re one “what makes this team special” question away from saying “trust” and surviving.
Harry: wow. okay. grounding.
Hen: He’s useful today.
Chimney: weirdly, yes
Buck: okay but if they ask me specifically about Eddie again, what’s the safest answer
Eddie: “He’s good at his job.”
Buck: that’s so cold.
Eddie: It’s safe.
Ravi: no, no, split the difference.
“He’s steady, smart, and easy to trust on a call.”
that sounds professional and also true enough that nobody can fight you.
Buck: ravi i could kiss you
Eddie: Don’t.
Ravi: wow. huge honor.
Hen: See, that. That is why none of you should freelance.
Buck: I MEANT GRATITUDE
Harry: that did not help!!
Chimney: no no i actually think it helped me personally
Bobby: Phones away. Final warning.
Buck: yes cap
but also thank you, ravi. genuinely.
Ravi: you’re welcome.
i would like it noted that i saved this station from subtext for at least six minutes.
Eddie: Temporary miracle.
Hen: Enjoy it while it lasts.
Buck: okay, reset.
from now on we’re all just coworkers with excellent operational awareness.
Chimney: and no feelings
Hen: Nobody said that.
Eddie: Just less phrasing.
Ravi: exactly.
same chaos. better nouns.
Harry: that’s the most helpful thing anyone’s said to me all morning.
Bobby: Good. Now put your phones away.
Buck: going
Chimney: going
Harry: going
Ravi: becoming boring enough to live
Buck & Eddie
Monday 3:33pm
Buck: “probably each other” almost took me out
Eddie: I know.
I saw your face.
Buck: wow okay so you admit you were watching me
Eddie: Obviously.
Buck: obsessed with me at work. interesting.
Eddie: You make it easy.
You looked like you were trying not to laugh and confess at the same time.
Buck: i was trying not to laugh and commit arson at the same time
Eddie: You did great.
Buck: i did medium great
Eddie: Fine. medium great.
Buck: thank you. i live for your fair but specific praise.
Eddie: I know.
Buck: okay see that’s what i mean
you say things like that and then act like i’m supposed to move on
Eddie: You are supposed to move on.
Buck: no, i spiral and you secretly enjoy it
Eddie: I don’t enjoy it.
Buck: liar
Eddie: Fine. A little.
Buck: wow. okay.
so this is entertainment for you
Eddie: Watching you try to act subtle after saying something deeply unsubtle?
A little, yeah.
Buck: unbelievable. this marriage has no mercy.
Eddie: That’s not true.
I’m being very merciful.
Buck: oh yeah?
Eddie: Yes.
I didn’t laugh when you said “pulp” like that was a normal coworker metric.
Buck: okay but he does hate pulp and pretend not to
Eddie: I know.
That’s the problem.
Buck: wow. no, actually, the problem is that i know you too well because i’m in love with you.
Eddie: That doesn’t sound like a problem.
Buck: eddie.
Eddie: Buck.
Buck: no because you can’t just lob sweetness at me like a grenade and then sit there all calm
Eddie: I’m not calm.
I’m texting you instead of smiling at you in the bay like an idiot.
Buck: ???????????????
Eddie: See.
This is why I’m calm in text.
Buck: oh my god
OH MY GOD
Eddie: Keep it together.
Buck: YOU keep it together. you’re the one casually admitting you want to smile at me at work.
Eddie: I said like an idiot.
Don’t make it prettier than it was.
Buck: too late. i’m making it way prettier.
Eddie: Of course you are.
Buck: okay but genuinely
are we good?
Eddie: Yeah.
We’re good.
Buck: you don’t think it was bad
Eddie: I think Chimney should never answer a follow-up question again.
I think you should stop offering fruit-based evidence of intimacy.
I think we’re still good.
Buck: “fruit-based evidence of intimacy” is crazy 😭
Eddie: Accurate though.
Buck: yeah, okay.
you’re right.
Eddie: I usually am.
Buck: hot.
Eddie: Buck.
Buck: sorry. private thought.
Eddie: Sure.
Buck: wow. no trust in this marriage.
Eddie: Plenty of trust.
Not much faith in your filter.
Buck: fair
Eddie: Look, we know how to do this.
We’ve been doing it.
Buck: okay but that sounds very husband of you
Eddie: I’d hope so.
Buck: wowwwww
Eddie: What.
Buck: nothing. just.
you’re very good at being my husband.
Eddie: Yeah.
You too.
Buck: okay that was disgustingly soft
i love you so much it’s honestly embarrassing
Eddie: Good thing this is the one place you’re allowed to be embarrassing.
Buck: wow. safe space. finally.
Eddie: Don’t push it.
Buck: too late
also for the record if anybody asks again, i can be so normal
Eddie: I know.
That’s what makes this funny.
Buck: oh my god you are enjoying this
Eddie: A little.
Buck: evil
Eddie: Married.
Buck: same thing, honestly
Eddie: Get back to work, baby.
Buck: ??????????????????
Eddie: What.
Buck: you absolutely did that on purpose
Eddie: Maybe.
Buck: i need ten business days to recover
Eddie: You have ten minutes.
Then I want my extremely normal coworker face back.
Buck: impossible order from the love of your life but okay
Eddie: Buck.
Buck: sorry
impossible order from your colleague 😌
Eddie: Better.
Buck: liar. you liked the first one more.
Eddie: Go work.
Buck: yes, husband
wine night 🍷
Monday 3:47pm
May: how many minutes into this documentary before Chimney accidentally invents a romance plot
Athena: Too few.
Karen: I don’t even work there and I know the answer is “immediately.”
Maddie: he means well 💛
May: okay but what did he do now
Eddie: “particularly close working bond.”
Karen: oh, excellent. subtle. invisible. impossible to misread.
Athena: Chimney doesn’t know how to leave a sentence alone.
Maddie: he really doesn’t 💛
Eddie: no. he sees a ledge and takes it personally.
May: pls 😭
Karen: and Buck?
Eddie: somehow making it worse by trying to look normal.
Athena: There it is.
May: oh no. what’s his version of normal
Eddie: too much eye contact. then not enough eye contact. then talking like he’s hosting a cooking segment on pbs.
Maddie: that is so specific that i know it’s true 💛
Karen: “and here we have the coffee pot” energy
Eddie: exactly.
Athena: How are you doing.
Eddie: i’m at work being haunted by incompetence.
May: that’s not an answer
Eddie: it’s the only one you’re getting.
Karen: liar. you came to wine night to complain in a controlled environment.
Eddie: yes.
because some of you are funny and some of you are useful and sometimes you overlap.
May: wow. that’s the closest thing to a compliment i’ve ever gotten from you.
Maddie: i felt cherished by it 💛
Athena: He’s spiraling.
Eddie: i’m not spiraling.
i’m managing several idiots at once.
Karen: that is your spiral.
May: no wait that’s so true
Eddie: this chat is hostile.
Athena: And yet effective.
Maddie: very effective 💛
May: are you having fun at least
Eddie: No.
Athena: Liar.
Karen: Also valid.
Eddie: i’m not saying it’s fun now.
i’m saying one day, when this is over and nobody has died from saying too much, it’ll be funny.
May: okay so yes
Eddie: no. future yes. present no.
Karen: he’s doing tense math. let him.
Athena: What did Buck say.
Eddie: something about pulp.
May: ??????????
Eddie: don’t ask.
Karen: no, actually, now I have to
Eddie: he told a producer he’s known me long enough to know i hate pulp and pretend not to.
May: OH MY GOD
Maddie: oh boy
Athena: That’s intimate information disguised as breakfast.
Karen: It really is.
Eddie: yes. thank you.
that is exactly the problem.
May: no wait i’m crying. “disguised as breakfast” is insane.
Karen: and then what did you do.
Eddie: told him it was medium bad.
Athena: Generous.
Eddie: i was being kind.
May: wow. growth.
Maddie: so much growth
Eddie: don’t start.
Karen: too late.
also, for the record, if Buck starts trying to act extra normal, that will be the suspicious part.
Eddie: I know.
Athena: And you told him that.
Eddie: yes.
May: did he listen
Eddie: no.
Maddie: he probably thought he was helping
Eddie: he always thinks that.
Athena: Sometimes he is.
Eddie: yes. unfortunately.
May: “unfortunately” but with fondness. i heard it.
Eddie: no you didn’t.
Karen: we all did.
Maddie: loudly
Eddie: this is why i should never text any of you.
Athena: And yet you always do.
Eddie: because i need witnesses.
Karen: to what
Eddie: to the fact that i’m right.
May: about what
Eddie: everything.
Athena: Better.
Karen: More believable than “No.”
May: okay but if this documentary somehow turns the 118 into prestige television i need everyone to know i called it first
Eddie: it already has.
Harry looks like a nervous orphan in every frame and Buck keeps finding the light.
Karen: “keeps finding the light” is crazy.
Maddie: also true
Athena: Extremely true.
May: and you?
Eddie: i mind my business.
Karen: Liar.
Athena: Liar.
Maddie: liar
Eddie: wow. okay.
i mind my business better than the rest of them.
May: finally, a statement we can all get behind
Eddie: good.
now let me work in peace while the station falls apart around me.
Athena: No.
Karen: Keep texting.
Maddie: yes please
May: yeah i need live updates actually
Eddie: unbelievable.
Karen: and yet you’ll do it.
Eddie: yes.
118 🔥
Monday 3:54pm
Bobby: The crew will conduct one-on-one interviews after lunch. Keep answers centered on the work.
Chimney: unless they ask about how hot and brave my wife is because then i’m simply telling the truth
Hen: Nobody asked.
Buck: wow, must be nice to mention your spouse openly at work
Eddie: Buck.
Buck: what? I support marriage.
Hen: Interesting thing to say unprompted.
Buck: literally how
Harry: i actually blacked out reading that
Ravi: same a little.
the screen got brighter in a threatening way.
Chimney: what?? that was just a normal pro-marriage statement from a guy who loves love
Hen: Worse.
Buck: THANK YOU
Eddie: Please stop defending each other.
It makes you both look dumber.
Ravi: no, that’s good actually.
if they look dumb enough, people stop assuming intent.
Hen: He’s right.
Harry: wow. that’s bleakly comforting.
Chimney: honestly marriage does rock
highly recommend
except for the remembering-anniversaries admin
Buck: seems worth it
Eddie: Stop helping.
Buck: i’m not helping. i’m participatin.
Eddie: You’re participating in a theme.
Ravi: “participating in a theme” is brutal 😭
Harry: also accurate
Buck: wow okay.
can no one here let me be whimsical
Hen: Not with cameras in the building.
Chimney: if they ask me what marriage is like i’m going to say “rewarding but calendar-intensive”
Ravi: no wait that’s actually really good
Harry: yeah that sounds normal
Hen: Disturbingly normal, yes.
Buck: see? marriage can be discussed at work in a broad cultural sense
Eddie: By married people, maybe.
Buck: ??????????
Ravi: oh my god 😭
Harry: OH NO
Hen: Interesting save attempt.
Buck: save from WHAT, specifically
Eddie: From you sounding like a man with opinions grounded in experience.
Buck: wow. okay.
that’s weirdly specific and annoyingly fair.
Ravi: no but that’s useful.new rule: if Buck starts sounding like he has firsthand insight into matrimony, tackle him.
Harry: understood
Buck: HEY
Chimney: no yeah that feels smart
Hen: Distressing that this is where we are.
Buck: okay fine. from now on i have no personal views on marriage at all.
Eddie: Great.
Buck: i am blank. an empty vessel. a neutral citizen.
Ravi: you couldn’t be neutral if someone sedated you
Harry: i actually laughed out loud at that one
Buck: wow. unbelievable betrayal from the children.
Ravi: thank you
Chimney: okay but genuinely if they ask relationship questions i’m redirecting.
i do not need the documentary crew knowing i cry during anniversary dinners.
Hen: Nobody asked that either.
Chimney: but if they did, i’d be honest.
Eddie: That is the opposite of the assignment.
Ravi: no, the assignment is “answer professionally.”
chim’s assignment is “resist turning every question into a valentine.”
Buck: honestly beautiful sentence
Eddie: Don’t encourage him.
Buck: sorry.
professionally beautiful sentence.
Harry: i hate this station
Hen: No you don’t.
Harry: no, i know.
Ravi: wow. look at him. one documentary morning and he’s already learning pathos.
Harry: i’m being shaped by adversity
Eddie: You’re being shaped by lunch running late.
Chimney: same
Buck: okay but real question: if they ask what makes the station special, what are we all saying
Hen: “Experience.”
Bobby: Good.
Chimney: “trust”
Bobby: Also good.
Harry: “leadership”?
Bobby: Fine.
Ravi: “repetition under pressure”
Hen: Good.
Buck: wow. mine was going to be “love”
Eddie: No.
Harry: NO
Ravi: absolutely not
Hen: Straight to jail.
Buck: what?? as in love for the work! love for the community! love as a conceptual framework!
Eddie: You are no longer allowed frameworks.
Ravi: yeah, Buck lost framework privileges around 10 a.m.
Chimney: maybe say “commitment” instead
Buck: wow okay.
you all heard “love” and acted like i proposed to the engine
Hen: Don’t joke like that in writing.
Harry: i’m sweating again
Eddie: “Commitment” is fine.
“Love” sounds like the start of a speech at somebody else’s wedding.
Buck: wow. okay. first of all rude.
second of all, fair.
Ravi: “speech at somebody else’s wedding” is such a specific drag
Eddie: I know my audience.
Buck: yeah, me. your deeply wounded audience.
Eddie: And yet still talking.
Chimney: i do think if they ask Buck anything emotional we should all throw a towel over him like a bird in a cage
Harry: that feels humane actually
Hen: More humane than letting him freestyle.
Buck: wow. okay.
i am being silenced for having a rich inner life.
Ravi: no, you’re being managed for public safety
Buck: same thing in america
Eddie: Phones away before you say something else memorable.
Buck: okay okay going
Ravi: becoming interview-safe
Harry: becoming a neutral citizen
Chimney: becoming calendar-intensive
Hen: Unfortunately funny.
Bobby: Phones. Away.
Eddie: You heard him.
Maddie & Buck
Monday 12:13
Maddie: BUCK
Buck: what???
Maddie: “must be nice to mention your spouse openly at work” ????
Buck: it was a bit!
Maddie: it was too true to be a bit
Buck: but nobody knows that
Maddie: I need you to stop living on that sentence like it’s a life raft
Buck: can’t. buoyant.
Maddie: not funny
Buck: a little funny
Maddie: Buck, you cannot keep saying objectively married things in public and trusting everyone else to be stupid forever
Buck: counterpoint: it has worked great so far
Maddie: that is not a counterpoint. that is an indictment of your social circle.
Buck: okay wow. harsh on people you love.
Maddie: I do love them. I’m also aware most of them would watch you climb into Eddie’s lap and call it teamwork.
Buck: that is SUCH a crazy visual
Maddie: Is it.
Buck: …no
Maddie: exactly
Buck: look, in my defense, Chim was talking about marriage!
i was joining a broad cultural conversation!
Maddie: you were one sentence away from sounding like you had opinions grounded in personal experience
Buck: maybe i just care deeply about social institutions
Maddie: you care deeply about one institution, actually
Buck: wow. okay.
beautiful. hateful. sibling-coded.
Maddie: thank you 💛
Buck: i really thought i threaded the needle there
Maddie: the needle was on fire
Buck: i hate how good you are at this
Maddie: somebody in this family has to be
Buck: rude.
also for the record, Eddie was way more suspicious earlier.
Maddie: no he wasn’t
Buck: he was all “by married people, maybe” in the group chat!
Maddie: yes, and then everyone got distracted by you being louder
Buck: wow. okay.
so my crime is being charismatic.
Maddie: your crime is being visibly obsessed with your husband in a way you think reads as normal.
Buck: it DOES read as normal
Maddie: to you. because you’re in it.
Buck: okay fair. but i still think i recovered.
Maddie: you did recover.
that does not change the fact that i aged six years reading it.
Buck: sorry 💛
Maddie: no you’re not
Buck: i’m medium sorry
Maddie: more believable
Buck: okay, scale of one to ten, how bad was it really
Maddie: with the general public? six.
with anyone who has a functioning brain and context? nine.
Buck: wow.
Maddie: the good news is your coworkers are weirdly bad at context.
Buck: see!!! buoyant!!!
Maddie: stop saying buoyant like you’re the hero here
Buck: i kind of am
Maddie: you are a flotation device made entirely of luck
Buck: okay wait no that’s incredible.
write that on my tombstone.
Maddie: no. your tombstone is going to say “he really thought nobody noticed.”
Buck: evil
Maddie: loving
Buck: same thing in this family, apparently
Maddie: yes 💛
Buck: okay okay. i’ll be more careful.
Maddie: thank you.
Buck: from now on, no more spouse references.
no more marriage-adjacent longing.
no more broad sociocultural commentary.
Maddie: good.
Buck: only work. only hoses. only the american fire service.
Maddie: that one somehow made it worse again
Buck: i can’t help being gifted
Maddie: buck.
Buck: sorry.
going back to work now before i say something else legally actionable
Maddie: please do.
Buck: love you
Maddie: love you too.
don’t make me text in all caps again.
Eddie, Buck & Chris
Monday 3:48pm
Chris: can i bring my permission slip to the station and have Buck sign it in front of everyone
Eddie: No.
Buck: Counterpoint: yes.
Eddie: No.
Chris: wow. no whimsy in this family.
Buck: i could sign it “concerned adult”
Chris: you are concerned. often.
Eddie: Finish school.
Chris: okay authoritarian
Buck: i could also sign it “trusted family friend,” which sounds lawful and sad
Chris: absolutely not. that makes you sound like you died in a lighthouse.
Eddie: He’s right.
Buck: wow okay. tough room.
Chris: i still think making you sign it in front of everyone would be funny
Eddie: That is because you are twelve.
Chris: i’m literally not??
Buck: no but spiritually? chaos child
Chris: correct
Eddie: Neither of you are helping.
Chris: okay fine. what if i just casually say “Buck, can you sign this like last time”
Eddie: Christopher.
Buck: 😭
Chris: what? stress-testing the cover story.
Eddie: We don’t have a cover story.
We have you not saying things.
Chris: wow. sounds fake when you put it like that
Buck: no, he’s got a point
Eddie: Of course you think that.
Chris: okay then what am i allowed to say in public
Eddie: “Hi.”
Chris: be serious
Eddie: I am.
Buck: okay, compromise.
you can say hi, be normal, and absolutely not hand me paperwork with emotional consequences
Chris: “emotional consequences” is dramatic
Buck: yes. and accurate.
Chris: okay but if a teacher asks who you are
Buck: beloved household fixture
Eddie: No.
Chris: no, wait, that’s worse than concerned adult
Buck: wow. okay.
“local volunteer”?
Chris: for what. feelings?
Eddie: Also no.
Buck: okay then i’m out of ideas
Chris: shocking
Eddie: You were never in ideas.
Buck: wow. okay.
that one was rude enough to be flirting.
Chris: oh my god
Eddie: Finish school.
Chris: no because that was CRAZY to say in front of me
Buck: no, he’s right. i felt special for a second.
Eddie: That sounds like a you problem.
Chris: no i’m with Buck on this one. weird energy.
Eddie: You’re both dramatic.
Buck: says the man who’s been texting like a nineteenth-century husband all day
Chris: THANK YOU
Eddie: I regret teaching either of you to read tone.
Chris: too late. i’m gifted.
Buck: same
Chris: okay, new plan. i won’t bring the permission slip to the station.
but if anyone asks, i will be saying Buck is “around.”
Eddie: No.
Buck: okay but that’s kind of devastatingly funny
Chris: right??
Eddie: It’s also suspicious.
Chris: everything’s suspicious with you two. the rules are impossible.
Buck: wow. from the youth.
Chris: from the only one here who’s objectively right
Eddie: Absolutely not.
Chris: okay fine.
i’ll just keep living under this oppressive regime where i’m apparently not allowed to do comedy
Buck: for the record, i support your comedy
Eddie: Of course you do.
Chris: thank you. one supportive parent.
Eddie: Finish school.
Chris: you say that like you’re not texting too
Eddie: I’m at work.
Chris: wow. fake job privilege.
Buck: love you, kid
Chris: love u too
Eddie: …
Chris: lol now he’s the quiet one
Buck reacted ❤️ to “love u too”
Eddie: Neither of you help.
Chris: and yet you’d miss us if we stopped
Eddie: Unfortunately.
Buck: that’s basically a poem from him
Chris: yeah, i heard the love in that
Eddie: School.