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Elias and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

Summary:

The day started off with such promise.

It did not stay that way for long.

Notes:

This is side along content for "Crimes for the Inquisition" which you can find as the first work in the series tag.

Elias was originally just intended to be an NPC that was mentioned once, maybe twice, and then never really mentioned again. Unfortunately, over the course of writing everything, he became a bit of a running gag. Anytime anything bad happened, we joked it it was somehow Elias' fault. Every random npc caught in the crossfire was also Elias. Elias truly could not catch any breaks. Ultimately all that fed into this.

It's difficult to provide context details for reasons that will become apparent by the end. We hope you enjoy this bit of ridiculousness.

Work Text:

As rays of dawn stream in through the window, Elias wakes with a yawn. Birds sing outside as there isn’t a cloud in the sky, he notices as he glances out the window. He begins to don his uniform for the day, as a sleepy voice calls out from his bed: 

“Elias, come back to bed, it’s so early. Although, now that we’re both awake, there’s plenty else we could do here…”

“I wish I could, love. But it’s an important day.”

“With that top secret mission you can’t tell anyone about?”

“Nope. Absolutely not,” Elias responds with a wink.

Finished dressing, Elias steps outside, then carefully unfolds a paper in his pocket. A letter had appeared on his desk yesterday morning, instructing him to appear at the Spymaster’s office for a top secret job only he — a select few others — could do. He smiles to himself, thinking about what the opportunity for advancement might hold. A new sword, a larger place to live, fancy foods—

His thoughts are cut off as he feels something wet land on his shoulder, looking up to see a bird fly overhead. Shit. Quickly, he runs back inside, looking for a fresh shirt to wear on his big day. 

*****

“As I was explaining to your compatriots…” the Spymaster side eyes Elias’s late arrival as she quickly fills him in on what he missed. He hears another soldier smirk. “You four are to apprehend the red headed mage Natalie.”

“Is she…” He glances to the others in the room, trying to piece if he’s missed much. “Is she dangerous?”

“Do you think I would order the arrest of one of our own so idly?” Hearing Leliana’s words, Elias wonders if his gulp is audible. He isn’t making a good first impression, that’s for certain. 

In response to her assessment, one of the soldiers straightens and another checks his dagger. A third, a man Elias recognizes to be named Flynn, steps forward, taking charge of the group. “We’ll do whatever it takes, ser.”

Elias breathes a brief sigh of relief, as Leliana turns her gaze away from him and toward Flynn with a correction. “She has minimal history of violence, so much as active subterfuge. We do not know how she will respond here, but given all that I have learned, non-lethal force is all that should be used, if that.” She pauses her instructions, meeting each of them in the eyes. “Any questions?”

Elias glances to his comrades, hoping one of them will voice his thoughts. When no one does, he speaks up, hoping at least some notice works in his favor rather than against it. “Why us?”

The Spymaster meets his gaze once again, this time with a cool smile. “You have a certain disposition I’m looking for. Reports from leadership suggest you follow orders extremely well – though, perhaps, unquestioningly was an exaggeration in your case.”

Though initially heartened by her words, by the end of the answer, Elias feels as though he’s failed some test. He attempts to keep a neutral facade. “Thank you. I, um, no other questions from me.”

“Very good. We’ll wait until she’s in an ideal position. Be ready to move at my signal.”

*****

Elias spends the next few hours near the Spymaster’s office with the other soldiers, not saying very much at all. He’s so distracted by the pressure of the task before him, he can’t even hold onto the names of any of his fellow soldiers, other than Flynn. As they’re summoned to do their job, his nervousness grows. “Does anyone know why we’re doing this? Or what sort of threat we’re up against?”

“She trains the mages,” one of the other soldiers muses. “Must know a thing or two about battle.”

“A mage alone is enough of a threat for me,” the soldier’s friend offers. 

Flynn is a little too eager to share all he knows. “Way I heard it, it’s some big conspiracy. Couple other soldiers got letters to meet at other spots to be ready for action. Bramen and his men are moving on the Machen estate, and the Seeker should be taking the Qunari into custody now.” 

As they reach their destination, Elias is surprised by the unassuming nature of the mage in front of them. His relief is soon met by trepidation - if she’s known for subterfuge, perhaps it’s all part of the disguise. Flynn, apparently, is also unsure what to do. “This is the human mage, correct?" He glances back toward the rest of them, while keeping wary eyes on the woman.

"Sorry, may I help you?" Her voice sounds as uncertain as Elias feels about all this. He tenses at the thought, wondering once again if he’s being drawn into a trap. 

Thankfully, Flynn has taken charge of the situation. “Enchanter Natalie?"

"Yes?"

"We need you to come with us. Now."

The mage frowns slightly. "What's going on? Is something—“

As she moves her hands toward the object at her side, the soldier next to Elias urgently shouts, “Elias, the staff!"

He hadn’t even noticed she was armed, or nearly armed. Immediately, Elias pulls out his sword in defense.

"What? No, I had just—“

Elias knows he’s been drawn in by her, and almost fatally tricked by this battle master. As he moves toward her, he remembers the spymaster’s guidelines, and quickly shifts around his blade, raising it up with the blade turned away from his target.

“Wait—!“ the mage’s cries fall on deaf ears as he strikes her with the pommel of his sword. 

He turns back to the group, uncertain of what to do next. For a moment, no one says anything. He breaks the silence. “Did the spymaster say what to do now?”

“Well,” Flynn drawls, “we were to escort her to the Skyhold dungeons. But, seeing as she’s a bit unable to walk herself there, I suppose you can carry her over.”

*****

After dropping the mage off in an assigned room, the group goes to notify Leliana of their success. She quickly begins to take action.

“We must notify the others. You,” she points to Flynn, “compose a note to the estate, and, you, can let the group in Orlais know. As for you…” she looks at Elias. “Since you’re so fond of questions, why don’t you go report to the Seeker and ask how she’s doing with her piece of this?”

Elias frowns at the reasoning for the responsibility, before quickly nodding. “Absolutely. Ser.” A responsibility is a responsibility, and it’ll give him another chance to prove himself.

*****

As he reaches the front steps of Skyhold, Elias realizes something. He has no idea where the Seeker is. He debates going back to ask, but resolves to figure it out himself. He’s been chastised for asking too many questions, and, really, how hard could it be to find one high ranking Nevarran on a highly secret task?

He checks a couple of the main buildings and looks around some lesser known rooms, to no avail. As he begins to worry about what he’ll do next, he hears an uptake in activity in the courtyard and sees a crowd start to form. Curious, he asks someone what’s going on.

“Apparently, that Qunari rogue did something to piss off the Seeker. Look!”

The door to Herald’s Rest opens, giving Elias a much needed sight of good news. Cassandra leads a group of soldiers surrounding an extremely attractive, clearly very wise, obviously smart even though they aren’t speaking, kind-hearted and even kinder-spirited Qunari in bindings. Where did that thought come from? he wonders. 

“Seeker,” Elias hails the leader of the group. As he closes the distance, he lowers his voice. “A word from the Spymaster.”

“What news?”

He pauses for a second. He hasn’t thought this through this far. What was he supposed to say? Quickly, he starts to summarize the situation as he knows it. “We were successful. But there was some trouble with the mage. She was reaching for her staff,” he puffs up a little, trying to make the best of the story. “I was successfully able to make sure she was knocked out.”

All of the sudden, a hard force pushes them to the ground, knocking the air out of him. A sexy, witty, innovative, highly beloved, thoughtful rogue looms over him. Wait, why would I describe them in that way?

“What did you think she was going to do? Heal you to death?”

Elias preemptively flinches away as his attacker lifts cuffed arms to strike him. When the blow does land, he looks up to see Cassandra’s blade at the rogue’s throat. As she leads them away, Elias can’t help but wonder if her disappointed look back was real or just in his mind.

He mutters to himself. “No one said she was a healer.” Not until that really hot, dreamy, knowledgeable, charismatic, humorous Qunari mentioned it. Huh?

*****

As Elias rushes into Skyhold to update the Spymaster, he finds himself once again in a surprise collision. Candle wax covers the Ambassador’s sleeve as she lets out a gasp of surprise. 

“So sorry!” He quickly offers over his shoulder, before fleeing the scene. 

*****

“After seeing you struck down like that so publicly in front of everyone…” his lover has asked him to meet that evening. “It’s a disgrace.”

“Please, love, no one could have predicted that, everyone says—“

“Everyone says to you, maybe. Look, it’s over. I’m sorry.”

*****

Later than he should be out, Elias finds himself downing another ale at Herald’s Rest. The place is somewhat empty, likely in response to the controversial events of the day. As he sets his tankard down, he feels a firm hand on his shoulder turn him around. 

“You’re the one who took down that mage?” The Commander’s eyes meet him. 

“Yup,” Elias responds with a sigh. “For all the good it’s done me.”

The man narrows his eyes at him. Elias nervously glances around the tavern, now regretting its emptiness. He looks back to the commander, seeing a strange mix of anger, confusion, and shame. “What exactly did the Spymaster ask of you today?”

If Elias felt he might have failed a test earlier today, he’s certain he’s about to lose one now, one way or another. “I’m sorry, sir,” he stammers out. “She said we weren’t to say.”

The look Cullen gives him makes Elias wonder if he needs to get his affairs in order. “Don’t bother reporting in tomorrow.”

Elias isn’t sure how to compete the late night orders from the commander against that of the Spymaster’s, but feels he’s quite possibly gotten himself in over his head. He waits a few minutes — quite a few — to make sure that he won’t run into any other angry and important people before quietly exiting the tavern. 

Passing the barracks, Elias notices a paper telling of a special responsibility for interested soldiers. A battle against Corypheus needing front liners — high risk, but a tale of glory for any recruit foolish enough to volunteer. If nothing else, it would be a way out of the mess here at Skyhold. And he’s always looking for opportunities for advancement. 

Quickly, he puts his name on the paper. He begins his walk back to his bed, but about halfway there suddenly, once again, finds himself overturned on the ground. This time, he notices as he takes a look around, he's the victim of a discarded fruit peel. Not one for another surprise tumble, and tired out from the day, he decides he’s made it close enough to home. He nods off there on the ground, thinking at least tomorrow would be a better day. After all, it couldn’t be worse. It can only go up from here. 

*****

Emerson puts the quill down.

“What are you writing, Kadan?” 

“Oh, just a bit of fun. A historical account, with a pinch of creative license. Giving one of Leliana’s people a poke.”

Bull leans back on the desk beside them. “Oh? Should I be worried? Your ‘pokes’ tend to be rather…” He glances pointedly down to the dagger at their hip. “Sharp.”

“Not that kind. This is more the kind I reserve for friends.”

“A new plaything? Careful. Lover boy will get jealous.” 

“Take a look.” Emerson extends the long sheet of paper for Bull’s inspection.

He inspects its contents quietly, grin slowly growing. Looking up again, he passes the paper back. “It’s good. Although maybe I was just distracted by that Qunari character. They seemed rather impressive. ‘Extremely attractive, clearly very wise,’ was it?”

“So which do you think is better? Pinning it to the wall in The Rest, or seeing if Varric will publish it as a bonus feature in his next Swords and Shields edition?” 

“It’s a hard call. The former provides more immediate gratification, the latter a broader reach.”

“You’re absolutely right. I should do both.”

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