Work Text:
Dan really knows that something has healed on April Fools’ Day, of all things.
The thing is – for as long as he can remember, it’s been him and Phil against the world. The media, the fans, the people from his past, they had braved it all side by side, a unit, Phil almost an extension of Dan, really.
So this – this is a new development.
Originally, they were supposed to prank the fans – They had the whole thing planned out. Dan got a cheap ring box off the internet in a colour he knows Phil likes, put a Haribo ring into the felt and hopes his partner remembers that the shit is gonna be hairy before chewing.
(He probably won’t. Phil regularly blacks out the moment candy is involved.)
And now he’s on his knees in a tux, still half-covered in flour from their Easter Baking video, a ring box in his hands, and the whole thing feels a little too real.
“Will you be my phusband?” he asks, tone high, the joke very clear, even though it doesn’t feel like one, not anymore.
Because Phil is looking down at him with warm eyes, smiling, waiting, and Dan has a text, has a script, but for a short moment, he loses track of his thoughts. For a short moment, there’s forever etching itself into his brain – forever dancing around their kitchen with Phil, bunny ears, matching tuxes, tail-pulling, making silly jokes about breast milk. He pictures it as easily as breathing.
And he knows, always knows, that forever is never not on the table. Forever is where they’re headed, ring or not. He’s got commitment issues, but committing to Phil is like committing to living – he’s made the decision a long time ago, and he’s sticking to it, and one can’t happen without the other.
So it sneaks into his head, just then. That it wouldn’t be too bad if Phil said yes. That Dan isn’t keen on getting married, but if it makes Phil happy, he’s happy. For a moment, he imagines putting an actual ring on that finger, showing the world that this gorgeous goofball is his for the rest of his life.
And then, instead of rejecting Dan and eating the ring, Phil beams at him and says, “of course”.
And – Phil’s aversion to scripts and love for improvisation in all good graces – that was not part of the motherfucking plan.
“You– what?”
“Of course,” repeats Phil calmly, still smiling. “I’d love to be your phusband, Dan.”
“But–”
“The ring is perfect, can you slide it on?” Phil holds out his hand to Dan, who stares at it.
“No, we were– for the– the video?” he stammers. “A prank. You were supposed to–”
Phil takes a deep breath, clasps a hand to his chest, and that damn smile is still plastered over his gorgeous face.
“I didn’t think you’d ever ask… I was making my peace with never being married, but I’m so glad you came around.”
What the fuck?
“No, the prank–”
“Is there doves? You know I love doves. Can we have doves at the ceremony? We should invite Steve!”
“Phil–”
“Aw, you’re so cute. Look at you, being all flustered. I’m so glad that after 16 years, I can still fluster you.”
He kneels down in the grass in front of Dan, who has a momentary clear thought of “thank God he’s not wearing the white tux anymore”. And then Phil is kissing him softly and Dan thinks “well, we can’t use this footage now”, and it’s a numb thought, a distracting one, and he realises he’s not thinking “clear” at all, he’s panicking. He’s panicking, and Phil is kneeling in front of him, his pretty face so close, and reaches for the stupid ass Haribo ring to slide it on his finger.
“I mean, it’s a sweet gesture,” he says and then giggles, the sound kickstarting Dan’s heart into familiar giddy flutters even now, “literally! But I do want a proper ring for the wedding, you know?”
“The wedding,” Dan repeats numbly.
“We should tell our families – well I guess you can e-mail yours. Mum always asks when we’ll get married, she’ll be so happy!”
Dan blinks at him. Did he just say ‘you can email your–’
And then Dan remembers what fucking day it is.
“You think you’re so funny, you fucking cunt.”
Phil immediately breaks out into loud laughter, his head falling forwards, shaking visibly with his forehead on Dan’s shoulder. He hears the muffled sounds of his laugh, as familiar as Dan’s breathing, and Dan can’t help it, the shock slowly fading as he joins in, tears streaming down his face.
“I got you good,” Phil tells the crook of his neck. “You should’ve seen your face! I didn’t think you’d fall for it.”
“I was so fucking– God, you unhinged little bitch.”
“April Fools!” Phil draws back, stretching both arms out in front of Dan with a wide grin on his face and Dan can’t keep fighting the urge to kiss it away, he can’t. He leans forward, catches those soft lips into a kiss, and that part of him that pictured it all, the doves, the rings, the domesticity, it fades back into the background, tempting little whispers silenced, because he already has everything he wants, and everything a ring can never give him. “I thought the doves would be what does it.”
“No, you asking for doves is pretty on brand for you,” Dan sighs. “You derailed our entire video.”
Phil grins.
“Aw, come on. Now you’re in the right state of despair to get rejected.”
So, yeah. While Phil gets back to his feet, pulling off the “ring” and uselessly patting down his jeans and getting ready to be proposed to a second time today, Dan realises that something has healed. Because it’s not them against the world anymore. It’s Dan vs. Phil, and everyone gets to be in on the joke, and the joke is light-hearted, because neither of them cares.
Ring, no ring, it doesn’t matter. And if Phil wants doves, Dan will get him doves on a random Tuesday (don’t let PETA hear about it, though).
They re-film the prank. Dan gets rejected the way he was supposed to, Phil eats his ring, and he absolutely forgot about the felt because he looks disgusted, and then he slips back into his silly, gorgeous white tux and Dan has to stand there with his stupid bunny ears and try not to eat him alive.
If he gets a little more flirty during the second part of the Baking video, who can blame him? If he grabs Phil by the waist and holds him and sneaks kisses they’ll later have to carefully edit out, who cares? If he “accidentally” grabs his bunny tail a little too hard and it disappears for the rest of the video, oh well. If Phil ends up hard from a make-out session and Dan has to actually actively censor his crotch in the final edit, that’s just who they are. No need for a wedding to have a honeymoon phase, not with them.
Later, they’re curled up on the sofa in their boxers, munching toasted hot crossed buns with the coffee Phil ordered from Dan (of course), and Dan isn’t even thinking about the whole thing anymore. He’s scrolling through comments, enjoying everyone’s reactions, completely lost in thought, when Phil leans in, rests his chin on Dan’s shoulder to look at his screen, seeing some fanart of Dan crying in front of a chewing Phil, and whispers, “you know I would say yes, right?”.
Dan snaps for his nose with a little growl, like a feral dog in heat, and Phil pulls back with a giggle.
“‘Course I do.”
“Just checking.”
“You know I’d get you a proper ring, right?”
Phil, instead of responding, steals Dan’s last bite from his bun and grins at him while chewing.
Yeah, that smug little bitch fucking knows, alright.