Chapter Text
Satoru Gojo was strong. The strongest. He couldn’t be hurt by any kind of curse, couldn’t even be touched by them. No sorcerer was able to match him, to reach the heights that he had climbed to. Of course he went on missions alone, why would he take anyone with him? It’d be more of a risk to their life than it’d be any help to him.
Though he did miss his best friend, Suguru Geto. The only one who he’d ever really had fun on a mission with. Almost equal to him in strength and cursed technique, the two of them had been so strong that exorcising the curse was more of a distraction to the actual hangout they were having.
But Suguru was gone. He was slipping through Satoru's fingers with every too-short conversation, every moment that the two of them spent separate when they would’ve been clinging to each other just a few months ago. It felt like hell to not have his best friend at his side, but Satoru was too scared to address it. What if a confrontation would only drive Suguru further away?
So he went on missions alone, and Suguru did as well. Sometimes Satoru worried if Suguru would get back unscathed, but then again, he felt silly for worrying. Suguru was way too strong to lose a fight against any kind of curse. Just like Satoru, he was way too strong for any of them.
The only thing Satoru ever lost against was his own mind. Being the strongest was lonely, so he sometimes only had his thoughts to keep him company. Although they had never really been all that kind to him, it was still better than nothing. Better than the emptiness Suguru was slowly leaving behind.
It had been a long day. Both Suguru and him had just gotten back from separate missions, meeting each other right before the entrance to the dorm rooms.
“Wanna watch a movie?” Satoru had asked, desperate for some time to spend with Suguru. It had been way too long since the two of them had laid down on either one of their beds and watched a movie. Or, well, ignored the movie and talked about whatever came to their minds for two hours.
“No, I’m tired” Suguru didn’t even look at him as he said it, staring at the floor in front of him as if it was the most important thing on earth. Satoru just wanted Suguru to look at him instead, for just a second. Just a glimpse.
“You don’t have to stay awake, we can do it at yours and I’ll just leave when you fall asleep-”
“Satoru, I said no.” He abruptly stopped in front of his dorm, turning around so that now, only his back was facing Satoru. “Goodnight”
With that, Satoru was left alone, still standing in the hallway as if he was waiting for Suguru to come back out. He wouldn’t, of course, Why would he ever bother with spending any amount of time with Satoru? He was just so tiring. And annoying.
He didn’t feel bad because Suguru had said no to hanging out with him. It was more like every negative thought he’d ever had about himself was crashing down on him, crushing him under the weight of it all. Like Suguru had been the last barrier between himself and this sea of hate, and now there was nothing left to stop Satoru from getting lost in it.
Quickly, Satoru ran to his own dorm, locking the door behind himself before he collapsed onto the floor with tears streaming out of his eyes. Why was he so devastated about this? It was just a movie night. It wasn’t that bad. He should be fine. He was the strongest, he was literally untouchable, he couldn’t just be breaking down because of one damn rejection.
Except it wasn’t just one missed night. It was afternoons spent in his rooms instead of out on the field with Suguru, it was the feeling of never being good enough for Suguru to actually want him around. It was the loneliness that filled the space that Suguru had once occupied, reminding him that up there at the top, there was truly nothing else to feel. No one to come save him from the things that he couldn’t handle himself.
It didn’t even feel like they were still friends at the moment, but Satoru couldn’t handle that. Couldn’t handle any amount of distance between them or the thought that one day, they might be nothing more but strangers to each other. Because who else could ever take Suguru's spot? Who else could he count on to be strong when Satoru was too exhausted to continue on?
They were supposed to spend their lives together. At least that was the future that Satoru had wanted for them. A nice house, close to Jujutsu High. Not as many missions, just occasional trips. Maybe Suguru wouldn’t even have to swallow any curses anymore at some point, and he’d just be able to fight without hurting himself in the process. Maybe one day they’d shit on what the Gojo clan expected of Satoru and finally get together.
Or maybe all those cuddles really had just been platonic, and Suguru was just getting bored of Satoru. He couldn’t blame him for that, after all, he’d gotten pretty tired of himself too.
As if someone else was controlling his movements, Satoru slowly stood up, no more tears falling from his eyes. Without any real thought behind it, he walked into the bathroom he had attached to his room, his hands soon finding the blade hidden underneath his extra bottle of soap. He didn’t think about going there or even using it, too occupied by the storm still raging through his mind. But now that he found himself there, it just felt right. Like he’d instinctively known that this was what he wanted, what he needed.
He could feel his hands shaking now. It was fine. Carefully, he placed the blade down again, slowly opening his pants and throwing them across the small room. He didn’t want to get them dirty. Upon looking down, he found row after row of delicate, white lines along the top of his thighs. They became less organized the further he looked down, cramped together in an effort to not take up too much space. He still wanted to be able to go swimming with Suguru after all.
Honestly, he preferred doing it on his arms. The sting of the cold metal blade against his skin felt different there, more comforting. Like a cry for help that had at least some chance to be heard. But he couldn’t afford to do it there beyond some light scratches. Even if it was really a cry for help, he couldn’t let it actually be heard. What would Yaga think if he found out that he was willingly hurting himself?
“Jujutsu sorcerers get hurt or die all the time! Why would you do that to yourself?! What kind of crazy are you?!”
Or even worse, what would Suguru say? How would he react?
Sometimes, when he was craving some comfort, Satoru imagined him finding out. Imagined him disinfecting and bandaging up the cuts with his gentle hands, looking up at him with those damn amber eyes and softly asking him why. He imagined Suguru listening, holding Satoru as he cried and explained that he didn’t know why, that he’d never wanted to do this, that he just wanted to feel less like a god and more like a human sometimes. That he couldn’t deal with his emotions any other way, that this was the only thing that ever made the screams he was haunted by quiet down just a bit. He imagined that Suguru would care about him and ask him not to do it again, that he’d ask Satoru to at least reach out to him first.
In reality, Suguru would probably just be angry. Maybe he’d be scared of Satoru, confused about who his best friend turned into when he wasn’t looking. So Satoru didn’t say anything, tried to hide it as best as possible while dwelling in fantasies where others finding out actually meant getting help.
Finally, he sat down in some corner, taking a deep breath before he let his infinity down completely.
Satoru Gojo was literally untouchable.
But as the razor blade slid across his pale white skin, leaving behind deep, red droplets that he couldn’t wipe away quickly enough before they fell down to the floor already, he felt anything but strong. He felt human, in every possible way, in every devastating, soul crushing sense of the word. He felt vulnerable.
The feeling was exhilarating, pulsing through his body like the rush of adrenaline he used to get from fighting curses. It was like he finally felt alive again in some weird way, like this was who he really was. Broken, on the bathroom floor with blood streaming down his body instead of the tears that had been spilling from his eyes earlier, Satoru Gojo felt like himself.
Bit by bit, he could feel his mind quiet down, losing the energy to think as the blood kept pooling around him. He wouldn’t pass out, it was quite hard to do that just from a few kind of deep cuts, but the thought of it alone felt comforting. At least he wouldn’t have to deal with his own mind for a while if he did. Maybe Suguru would change his opinion about movie night and somehow end up finding him, and then at least he couldn’t scream at Satoru for what he had done. Maybe he would actually worry.
If he still cared enough to get worried about Satoru, that was.
At one point, Satoru got tired of it. Quickly, he made the cuts stop bleeding with Reverse curse Technique, careful to not heal them any more than he had to. He didn’t want them to be healed right away. That would defeat the whole point of creating them in the first place, right?
The only one who could hurt Satoru Gojo was himself, and he wouldn’t take that pain away from himself. He deserved it. He needed it. Knew that tomorrow the ache in his legs would keep him grounded in reality, knew that the scars he could only get by letting them heal naturally were the only thing that he could rely on to keep him from going insane with the powers he’d been granted. After all, he’d always be able to have his legs with him, right?
It always felt strange to clean up after himself. Staring at the blood his hands were stained with, wiping down the floor to erase any kind of trace of what had just happened, Satoru almost felt like he was having some weird kind of out-of-body experience. But it was fine. It was just another part of the whole thing.
He could feel the cuts burn with every movement he made, reminding him that the blood on his hands stemmed from himself and not some enemy for once.
Finally, Satoru went to bed, still feeling pain shoot through his legs as he laid down on his side. It probably wasn’t the best position to sleep in for the sake of not ripping his wounds open again but honestly, he couldn’t bring himself to care. It felt too good for him to want to ease any of it.
~~~
“Satoru, are you okay?” Suguru was standing right in front of him, almost cornering Satoru. It was strange to see him so caring after he’d been distancing himself and ignoring Satoru for the last couple of weeks.
Neither of them had a mission today, so everything should be fine. As far as Suguru knew, nothing special had happened. Meanwhile, Satoru was hoping that he hadn’t noticed that he was limping ever so slightly. He’d honestly gone a bit overboard yesterday, but he still didn’t want to heal any of the cuts. It felt good. Better than it felt to not be in pain.
“Yeah, why are you asking?”
“Because you’re walking weird?” Oh shit. He did notice. Why did Suguru only have to pay attention when Satoru didn’t want him to?
“Just something from my mission yesterday-”
“You weren’t limping yesterday though” he had noticed? Satoru didn’t even think that Suguru looked at him once during that brief conversation, how did he-
Satoru was panicking now, searching for an excuse in every corner of his brain and he was done for, he was fucked, shit-
“Toru it’s fine don’t- I’m not mad. I just want to make sure you’re okay.” Somehow, Suguru's hand had ended up on Satoru's shoulder. It was grounding, like a cut across his wrist, it brought him back to the moment almost instantly.
“I’m fine”
“I can tell you’re lying, you know? You’ve always been pretty bad at it” Suguru's lips were pointed upwards in a little smile now. Oh, how Satoru had missed that smile. He hadn’t seen it in what must’ve been weeks now. They hadn’t properly talked for probably the same amount of time. Not for lack of trying on Satorus' end though.
“Well nice that you notice that now after ignoring me for weeks” he couldn’t help but snap back, still bitter from the rejection he’d been served every time he had asked Suguru for friendship.
“Toru, I- “ now Suguru was the one struggling to explain himself, trying to find words that he had suddenly forgotten.
"It's fine. Just don’t start again after today?” Satoru pleaded, hoping that this could actually be the breakthrough. The end of this entire situation. Suguru had pressed his lips together now, staring at the floor as if it owed him a debt. He seemed to have completely forgotten why he started this conversation in the first place. Good. Satoru couldn’t have explained it anyway.
Why would someone who has the option to never suffer any pain in his life hurt himself?
“Movie night at mine tonight?” Suguru offered after a bit of silence, looking back up at Satoru now. His lips were their typical, way too beautiful rosy shade, and a light blush had spread to his cheeks. If Satoru was a braver man, he would’ve kissed Suguru at that moment.
But when it came to Suguru, Satoru seemed to lose all his defences in an instant.
Instead he just nodded, silently walking back to class. Yaga would be mad if the two of them ended up being late again.
~~~
Satoru really tried to not do it today. He went to his dorm room for a moment after dinner, intending to just grab some snacks and an additional blanket before he headed back to Suguru's dorm for movie night. He’d started this habit of bringing his own blanket after he’d woken up to Suguru having absolutely no blanket after one of their movie nights, shivering in the rather cold dorm room. So yeah, he wasn’t going to stop stealing a blanket, but he could at least make sure there was a second one for Suguru to steal. In addition to that, he was responsible for their snacks because honestly, he was way more picky than Suguru. Over time he’d started buying more of the stuff that he noticed Suguru liked than what he actually wanted to eat himself. There were barely any sweets left in his cupboard at this point, but he felt too tired to restock them.
And well, he went to grab all that stuff, and then-
He saw the blade lying there. Exactly where he’d forgotten it yesterday, out in the open on his sink. Something itched in him. The pain in his legs suddenly didn’t feel like it was enough anymore.
Just one small cut.
It really was supposed to be just one quick cut. A small pinch in his arm, something to keep his thoughts from spiraling while he was with Suguru. And then it turned into a second cut, right under the first. And then he made another one, still not satisfied with the pain shooting through him. It wasn’t intensive enough, he deserved more, more and more until his arm was aching and small red lines were lining the underside of his forearm. A small tear was running down his face now but he didn’t know why, couldn’t understand why he was crying and bleeding at the same time. It was fine. He was fine. Everything was just fine.
Satoru didn’t hear the knock on the door or Suguru's soft voice asking if he was okay. He barely even heard the door open, jumping to hide his arm when he finally realized what was happening. Fuck, right, yeah, he was supposed to just be getting an extra blanket and snacks, not hurt himself and be dramatic over it for what felt like hours.
“Toru, what happened?” Suguru already looked alarmed, his eyes fixated on the arm Satoru was trying to hide behind his back.
“Nothing, just got a bit distracted, I’ll be there in a minute” he tried to talk himself out of it, but he already knew by the look in Suguru's eyes that he’d failed. Satoru wasn’t a bad liar normally, but Suguru could almost always see right through him.
“Can you give me your arm?” Suguru looked like he’d explode with worry at any moment now, and hell, Satoru just wanted to hug him and tell him that everything was okay, that he was fine, that he loved him and that they would be fine.
But he’d have to use his arms for that. The arm that was pretty much covered in blood right now. The arm that Suguru was asking him to bring out from behind his back and show him.
“No?”
Before Satoru could try to come up with some excuse, Suguru had already taken another step towards him, forcing his arm out as best he could. Satoru didn’t think quickly enough to fight back, basically granting Suguru free access to look at his arm.
For a moment, both of them froze, too scared of what they were seeing to react to any of it. Finally, Suguru spoke first, breaking the suffocating silence that had spread between them.
“Toru, I-”
“It’s fine. Forget about it. I’m fine, just ignore this, I’ll get the blanket and we can go watch whatever you want.” Satoru tried to put on a smile, but his defences sounded broken even to himself, his smile crooked in a way that it had never been before.
“You’re an Idiot” Suguru responded, and for just a second, Satoru thought his worst fears were coming true. He hated him, he had to hate him, he had every right to-
But before those thoughts could cause him to spiral again, he already found himself pressed against Suguru with his arms tightly wrapped around Satoru as if Suguru was clinging onto something precious in the midst of a horrible storm.
“You’re healing that. Right now. And then you can tell me why you would do that, alright?”
“It’s fine you don’t need to-”
Suguru pulled back slightly, his nose bumping against Satorus as he looked him in the eyes.
“Satoru Gojo, you Idiot. I love you. And I want to know why the hell you did that because I want to help you." There was a small tear streaming down his face now, and Satoru couldn’t stop himself from reaching up to wipe it away. Seeing Suguru cry hurt more than any kind of injury he could ever inflict upon himself.
“Don’t worry Sugu, I’m fine” he tried one last time, scared of what was about to come. Scared that his reasons weren’t good enough, scared that Suguru would change his mind in the next second and push him away again.
This time, he was just met with a small whisper calling him an Idiot once again before he got dragged into the hallway and back into Suguru's dorm room. Before he could properly register what Suguru was doing, Satoru already found himself lying on the bed with Suguru's arms wrapped tightly around him.
“So, what happened?” Suguru said carefully, almost like he was trying not to break Satoru. No one had ever treated him like he was fragile before, but for some reason he actually liked it.
“Sugu, it’s really okay-”
“Nope, I want to know what caused you to do that and I want to know how I can help you. If you need some time to talk that’s fine but you’re not just gonna tell me you’re fine and ignore the whole thing, alright?” Satoru nodded slightly, unsure of where to start. Should he try to lie and say that today had been the first time? There weren’t any other marks on his arm, so Suguru had no evidence to suggest otherwise.
But for once, he actually wanted to be honest about it. He couldn’t deny it anymore anyway, might as well confess to the entire thing.
“I’ve been doing it for a while. It’s always just… helped me. It’s easier than having to feel everything, you know?” he felt vulnerable in the most awful way possible, like he was exposing every single one of his weaknesses on a silver platter. But at the same time, Suguru's presence was grounding him, giving him something to hold onto as he felt himself fall into the void that were his own issues.
“It makes me feel a bit more human. You know, I don’t even get hurt at all if I don’t explicitly let it happen, you couldn’t even touch me if I didn’t let my Infinity down. It’s just like something that makes me feel a little less lonely, I guess” Suguru didn’t respond right away, continuing to gently play with Satoru's hair instead.
“You know you’re not alone though, right?”
“I mean- rationally, yes? But you know, you’re not there all the time and you’ve been so distant, and I really understand it if you hate me because really, you have every reason to, I would hate me too if I were you and I really understand that I’m pretty annoying as well, so-” he was burying his face in Suguru's chest now, afraid of him seeing the tears that had started falling down his eyes.
“Satoru.”
“Yes?”
“Once again, you’re an idiot. I don’t hate you, I don’t find you annoying, I actually find you quite funny. And I love you. Every damn thing about you.”
Satoru couldn’t figure out how to respond at first, overwhelmed by everything that Suguru had just said. How could he even start to believe that it was true? How could he push away all of the negative thoughts that had been building up in his brain for such a long time now?
And most importantly, did Suguru expect that just this would cause him to stop? After all, Suguru hadn’t ever been his reason. The distance certainly made it worse, but it wasn’t like Satoru hadn’t already been a lost cause before the two of them ever met. He didn’t stop hating himself when the two of them met, and he didn’t start back up again when Suguru started distancing himself. He had always just been… broken. The oldest scars he still wore were already three years old, and the oldest cuts he’d made had long since faded.
He’d tried to quit many times. Sometimes, knowing he had Suguru by his side had helped. Sometimes, that wasn't enough.
“I don’t think I can just… stop” for a moment, Satoru was afraid of Suguru's reaction. Afraid that this was the moment where he’d draw the line and start screaming, or that blame himself for not being able to fix him right away.
“I don’t expect you to. Just… don’t run away from me? I want to help you, Toru. I love you”
And finally, he realized something.
“Wait, did you just say that you love me?”
“Yeah- I guess, no pressure though, I know you don’t feel the same and everything-” Suguru was blushing now, seemingly realizing what exactly he had said too in that very moment.
“Nonono, you don’t just get away with that. You what?” His head looked like a tomato now, and Satoru imagined that he probably wasn’t looking much better himself. Suguru was quite an adorable tomato though. He should really stop trying to hide his face behind his hands.
“I love you”
With a smug smile now on his face, Satoru tried to pry Suguru's hands away from his face before planting a small, chaste kiss on his lips.
“I love you too, Idiot”
“Hey, you’re the Idiot here!” Suguru responded, a small smile now making its way to his face.
The two of them certainly didn’t have all of their issues figured out, and Satoru still couldn’t imagine what a life without self-inflicted pain could look like. But Suguru would never stop trying to give him exactly that, and Satoru couldn’t find it in himself to reject those efforts.