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Today was supposed to be the perfect date. A sweet day, perfectly planned, was waiting in front of us. Nothing could go wrong... right? But even if we've been together for quite a long time, insecurities and self-consciousness can always be around the corner. Especially if you've just received a promotion, that feels more like a demotion.
***
Copia and I are walking around in a nice vintage shop looking for some new pieces to add to our collections. Despite our differences, we found each other through our love for vintage and music.
"Tesoro, look at that lamp. It will look amazing near our bed!" I said excitedly, grabbing the lamp ready to buy it.
Copia shakes his head with a small smile, and walks toward me "We have enough lamps, and you know this carə. I was thinking about that nice toilette table over there. I can picture you sitting there while doing your makeup. Such a lovely sight...".
I let out a soft laugh at his words, he always says he's awkward at flirting, but he's just a good old hopeless romantic and it always shows. "Mhn, I think you doing your makeup there wouldn't be any less lovely".
Leaving a blushing Copia behind, I walk toward the counter to pay for the table.
"It's 100€, but I'll give you a little discount. Ah, it’s always nice to see a father and a daughter sharing a common interest". Says the old lady behind the desk, probably just wanting to be kind. I can see where the lady is coming from. While Papal paint always made Cardi look regal, this new Frater paint doesn’t do him justice, and his lack of sleep is not helping the cause.
I can see Copia shaking his shoulders nervously, his gloved hands quickly reaching out and beating out a familiar rhythm. I reach with an arm his lower back, as I address the lady kindly but with a firm tone: "Well, actually he's my beloved, and I'm his partner." Having said that, I lead Copia out of the shop. My hand never leaves his back, trying to calm him down.
"Tesoro, Copia... you know this, the age gap doesn't bother me, it's not even that big, we're both old and mature. I told you this many times and will never stop repeating it".
I leave a soft kiss at the corner of his eye, where some tears formed. He tries to say something, but no sound comes out. "Shh it's okay, I'm here, no need to talk if you don't feel like it. Un caffè? Mhn, andiamo in un bar e ci prendiamo qualcosa di caldo." (mhn, let's go in a bar to buy something warm to drink)
We silently walk down the street, my hand never leaves his back.
—
Copia suddenly stops. I look away from his face to see what made him react like this. A small and old looking bar, half covered in ivy, comes into my view. It's quite odd to see such a place squished between big and colorful stores. I turn toward him and see the fascination in his eyes, and I smile softly. Seeing the light in his eyes always makes me weak. I love when he is passionate about things he enjoys.
"Want to go there to have a coffee? Mhn I feel like you--we would enjoy ourselves there... Plus, it's perfect to relax the nerves. I don't think many people go there." I quickly leave a kiss at the corner of his lips.
—
The waiter sets the little mugs and pastries in front of us. "Thank you, this place is lovely" I thank them, while Copia sits still in silence and looks out of the window.
"The view from here is magical, right?"
I ask without expecting an actual answer from Copia. I know how precious these moments of silence are for him. When it's just us alone, where there's no one who expects him to be the big talker that Papa… Frater is required to be. Even if in this case I'm a bit worried. I don't like at all the way he has shut down completely after the event of the vintage store. I cut in half the pastry and put a piece in front of him. “How much sugar in the coffee, dear? One, only half… I'll pour it, just make a sound when you want me to stop”.
I slowly start pouring the sugar, until he makes a small sound and I stop. “Thank you, amore.” he says. I lay a hand on his and start savouring my half of the pastry.
“I recognise that expression on your face Copia… You know, right, that now things have changed? You can eat that pastry without thinking too much.” I gently caress his hand while talking. “Of course you could have done this before too, but I can understand that between your mother and Nihil expectations, it must have been hard for you.”
I smile softly at him, seeing my old self in his insecurities. All the years I passed thinking about every meal I would eat, asking myself if I had the right to eat it. I know that with these few words I cannot make his insecurities dissolve, but I hope to show him that he can feel safe with me. His once subtly nervous face softens a little, a small and tired smile now adorning his face.
“If you want it, then you can eat it. It can be this simple if you want to. Now you don’t even need to fit in those ridiculous tight pants”. Then with a lower voice and a small teasing smirk on my face “Not that I minded though, you look amazing in it”.
From his lips a sweet giggle comes out. With a hand he ruffles his moustache while looking out of the window. His cheeks are tinted with a pale rosie flush, so gorgeous my amore, I think.
“Shall I then?” he mumbles under his breath, then he takes a bite, a joyful smile illuminates his face. Our eyes finally find each other. I mirror his smile.
“Come on pretty boy, we need to return to the Ministry. It's getting late and it’s been a tough day… I’m starting to get a little overwhelmed, I think should have skipped that coffee”.
He nods, taking my arm under his. We leave the bar and walk back home.
—
“No shoes on the bed, Copia! Come on, remove them and then we’ll go to sleep.”
We both go under the sheets ready to sleep. Silence falls in the room, the gentle breeze of the summer night cools us down.
“Mhm could… abbra… me?” Copia shyly mumbles a series of words. “Eh, che hai detto? abbra-che? Don’t be shy, please repeat” I ask confused, sleepiness obfuscating my mind.
(mhn… coud… hu… me? – eh, what did you say? hug-what)
He covers his face behind his hands and then says nearly whispering: “Abbracciarmi I said, could you hug me, mhn hold me from behind.” He then shakes his head ashamed: “Nothing, I was just being childish, I shouldn’t have asked.”
“Oh, shut up Copia! This makes no sense, I will be more than happy to hug you. Come here, my sweet man.” I take him in a lazy hug from behind, my forehead resting on the back of his head. I lay a kiss between his soft hair. “Let’s sleep, my love.”
—
Later in the evening a small whimper wakes me up. A bit disoriented I open my eyes, and I realize that Copia is whispering to himself. I move a bit, trying to sit up straighter to take a better look, but I just disturb him more.
“please don't leave me, not right now...
per piacere, tesoro, hold me tight”
He whines softly, not daring to make any more noise, feeling embarrassed by his behavior. A lingering thought that always torments his mind: “you shouldn't show such weakness, an old man like you crying in the arms of their partner, isn't this pathetic. What would Nihil think if he saw you now, or your brothers? Such a disgrace for an Emeritus, no wonder you were replaced, V will be a better Pope than someone like you, such a crybaby waiting for mommy to come and rescue you. But mommy is no longer here, neither are your brothers… you're all alone now"
I take him in a tight hug, and I run my fingers through his hair, while the other is tapping a familiar rhythm on his back, trying to ground him, after noticing he was falling into a bad headspace.
"Of course Copia, I'll never leave you. I don't want to leave you. Try to feel my rhythm, tesoro, respira uhm. Will you? Will you take a big breath with me, Copia?"
I softly say while gently cupping his face in my hands, not looking straight into his eyes as I know that in this moment this will feel too much for him. Then I dry away his tears with my fingers, and I place a light kiss over his eyelid.
"There, darling, breathe with me"
A few minutes of silence follows, the only sound is the one of our breath. I can feel him relax in the hug, his head resting on my shoulder.
"Yes, like this tesoro, you're doing fine. I'm here next to you." We rest like this for some time. I want him to give him some space to calm down.
After a while my hand find its way over his abdomen, my fingers slowly trace the embroidery of his waistcoat. A small whine leaves his mouth, while I feel him trying to pull in his belly as if he was shy about it.
"Copia, tesoro, relax mhn there’s no need for this. You're gorgeous my dear. Just relax, today has been really frenetic " I whisper in his ear. One of my hands starts unbuttoning his waistcoat, while the other works on the thigh muscles of his neck.
"But... I...I'm Frater, I shouldn't..." He starts. I quickly lay a finger on his lips.
"Cosa? You shouldn't show your soft side to your lover? Seriously Copia you're the head of a fucking satanic Ministry, you wrote songs and preached about the sweet deception of the Seven Sins. Aren't Sloth and Gluttony part of the list too? Ah, so come on. Relax! Let yourself give into those passions. A good preacher should be an example for their believers. So shouldn't you follow your own advices too, or are you implying that they are wrong?
Look at you, you always work so hard, always giving your best for this place, always giving, giving… and look where it took you. Now you're Frater Imperator, you can stop running, you can relax now. You should start delegating and spending more time for yourself. I don't like seeing you so under the weather. I want to see you smiling more, my love. I want to see you enjoying yourself much more, I want to see you do what you like. Like before in the cafe, if you want a dessert then have it, if you want to sleep more then do it. Whatever you want to do, do it and whatever you want me to do for you, I'll do it too gladly. So now I want to see you give in completely to your cravings. Let those Sins corrupt you, let Sloth and Gluttony become your second and third names…”
My hands start slowly wandering all over his body, taking in every little detail of his body. My voice kept whispering sweet words in his ear. Until I stop with my little sermon. Silence fell in the room, a small wave of panic ran through my body; did I go overboard with my words?
A big joyful laugh comes from Copia’s full black lips, the first since this afternoon.
“Oh my Satana, I decided! You’re gonna do the next sermon!” An equal if not even bigger laugh escapes my lips, while I slightly slap his tight. “Taci” I said between laughs.
“Ei amore, I'm not kidding, that was amazing!” He pushes me gently in turn. We start a small push and pull game. “I swear for a moment I thought I heard Terzo speaking.’’
My laugh slowly subdues and becomes more provocative. With one hand on his thigh I shifted near to him, I looked him intently in the face until my sight rested on his lips. A small smirk appeared on my face. Our mouths so close that, if I started talking, our lips would brush against each other. I can feel him shiver as he feels my breath on him. The heat in the room is rising.
“Terzo talking? Mhn, then should we celebrate him by letting our souls and bodies join in that Sin so dear to him? Lussuria” (Lust)
My lips crash vehemently onto his, no longer able to contain my passion for him. He responds with the same passion, I can feel how eager he is. But I can feel that this time he's ready to leave th his doubts behind, he’s ready to show his fragile and more submissive side to us.