Archive of Our Own

His head is pounding and his eyes are as dry as the Sahara. Euijoo rubs the area above his eyebrows with his knuckles, hoping it'll ease some of the headache but it's fruitless. He lets out a deep sigh and sinks deeper into the couch.

They've been busy preparing for the Korean debut. Their schedules are packed to the brim that even going to the toilet to relieve themselves feel like a waste of time.

The pressure of the upcoming debut feels a tonne heavier on Euijoo's shoulder. Korea is where he was born. It's a place of unforgiving people that will ruthlessly criticize you if you slack off, even for a minuscule mistake. It's a place where he spent his youth in a survival show that taught him pain he was sure no other experience could ever bring him to feel.

Most importantly, it's home.

Euijoo senses the silhouette of insecurity looms over him, luring him into a headspace where self-hatred and the chants of not enough, not enough, notenoughnotenough being the only thing he can think of.

But, instead of letting it consume him, Euijoo faces it bravely and swallow the shadow whole. He gulps them down, leaving it to settle in his gut and have them converted into energy that fuels his spirit to work harder.

Euijoo thinks he's come a long way from the little boy that used to sit in the corner of the room and let the cog of his brain overwork. All thanks to the beautiful people he was blessed to debut with. They're the reason he's able to sleep on nights when Euijoo is so sick of himself that even being in his own skin fills his chest with disgust.

But sometimes, his hands can't get a tight grip, control slipping out of his hands like grains of sand.

A clatter and a twist of knob, then soft footsteps could be heard from where Euijoo is sitting.

Speak of the devil.

"Hey, Euijoo. You okay?" Nicholas asks, just fresh out of the shower with water dripping from his hair. His sleep shirt clinging to him like a second skin since he doesn't bother to dry himself properly. One of the many Nicholas's habit Euijoo hasn't decided what to make of yet; torn between feeling exasperated or appreciative.

Euijoo decides right now that it doesn't matter because either feeling edges dangerously into an area he's not ready to cross yet. An area that stores stacks of memories with Nicholas that makes his heart beat a little too fast and his mouth curve into a smile reserved only for him.

In the present, Euijoo grimaces at the sight of water pooling on the floor of their shared room. Nicholas, who notices his expression immediately looks sheepish, mutters a small apology under his breath while taking the towel he slung on his shoulder and pats his hair dry.

Once the water isn't dripping from his hair does Nicholas plops down on the couch next to Euijoo. Their shoulder bumps into each other and Euijoo can smell the shampoo Nicholas uses; minty, with a hint of strawberry.

Nicholas turns to look at him and says, "You didn't answer me earlier."

Euijoo shrugs, unsure on what to say.

Nicholas huffs at this. Then, he grabs Euijoo's hand and traces the fine bone of it. The gesture seems practiced, mindless. Euijoo tries hard to fight against his instinct to snatch his hand back —to keep it safe from the touches that travels from his fingertips to the muscle of his heart. Euijoo can't handle the thought that these touches are casual. Like it's nothing more than just an act of comfort.

Euijoo almost take his hand back but he takes a deep breath and mirrors Nicholas's calm exterior. Euijoo thinks it's better to have Nicholas in every way he can, even if it leaves him dry by the end of it.

"Euijoo," Nicholas breathes out. Then another, softer, "Juju".

"You know you can always talk to me, right? You don't have to bear your worries alone. I'm here," Nicholas says, hands still wrapped around Euijoo's.

Euijoo bites his bottom lip and stares into nothing. After a while, he finally speaks again without looking at Nicholas. "I'm just nervous about our debut," he says, voice cracking in the end.

"My head—" he stops himself. Nicholas squeezes his hand, encourages him to continue.

Euijoo clears his throat and starts again.

"My head's noisy. It's like there's thousands of voices inside it —all talking at once."

"It's saying everything but nothing at the same time," Euijoo finishes. The rhythmic squeezes of Nicholas's hands tethers him.

Nicholas hums.

"I think…" he runs his hand through his damp hair, pushing the strands away from his forehead. "You need to get out of your head."

Euijoo lets out a dry laugh, eyes still fixed somewhere past the wall.

"What."

"I mean it," Nicholas insists, leaning forward slightly, trying to catch his gaze. "You worry too much, so much so that you can't think of anything else."

Euijoo finally looks at him, unimpressed.

"Dully noted. I'll just turn off my brain then."

Nicholas opens his mouth, then closes it again, clearly annoyed at himself for not explaining properly. His fingers tighten around Euijoo’s hand before loosening again, like he’s trying to find the right amount of pressure.

"No, that's not— " he sighs, shaking his head. "That's not what I meant."

Euijoo raises his eyebrow.

Silence settles between them for a moment, filled only by the faint hum of the air conditioner and the quiet breath between them.

Euijoo notices it again, the droplets sliding down the side of Nicholas’s neck, disappearing under the collar of his shirt.

He looks away quickly.

Nicholas puffs his cheeks and suddenly leans in so close to Euijoo that Euijoo can count his lashes. Euijoo jerks back in response, "What the hell are you doing?"

Nicholas acts like he doesn't hear him and gazes into his eyes intently. "I know how to help you," he whispers, like a secret.

Euijoo blinks.

"You what."

A grin spread across Nicholas's face and unsettlement spread across Euijoo's chest seeing that.

Nicholas purses his lips and shakes his head. "Let me show you instead," he says.

"What are you planning," Euijoo asks flatly.

Suddenly, two long and slender fingers grazes his lips. "Open," Nicholas commands, face serious.

"What.” Euijoo deadpans.

"Come on, Juju," Nicholas whines. "Just trust me on this. Now, open."

"Nicholas."

"Relax," Nicholas murmurs, voice softer now, almost coaxing. "You’re too tense."

"I’m tense because you’re acting weird."

Nicholas huffs quietly, like he expected that answer. His fingers slide from Euijoo’s lip to his chin, tilting his face up just a little.

"Open," he says.

Euijoo thinks he must've died from all the stress he's shouldering and comes back to this alternate universe where it's a normal day for him to let his band mate stick his finger into his mouth.

For the lack of better words, Euijoo opens his mouth and lets Nicholas slips his finger inside.

The skin of Nicholas's fingers are salty. The weight of it feels foreign on his tongue but not unpleasant. Euijoo's so focused on comprehending what in the world is happening that he doesn't realize that his saliva has accumulated at the corner of his mouth and drools steadily.

"You've got to suck on it, Euijoo," Nicholas remarks. "Unless you wanna drool like a puppy."

Euijoo snaps back to reality and feels embarrassment creeps on him. He tries to pull back, trying to release Nicholas's fingers from his mouth but Nicholas grabs his chin with his other hand. "It's okay," he murmurs. "No need to be embarrassed. Just focus on my fingers."

"Don't think."

Don't think…

That sounds nice.

Euijoo takes a deep breathe and swallows around Nicholas's fingers again. Then, he tentatively sucks on them. Gradually, he starts to feel more comfortable and lets the fingers slip deeper —his eyes droopy and finally closing once he's lost in the light motion of sucking.

Euijoo thinks he hears a sound from Nicholas —a moan? Euijoo cracks his eyes open and is greeted by a red-faced Nicholas.

Euijoo trails his eyes down, committing every detail into his mind —Nicholas's blown pupils, the heavy rise and fall of his chest and finally lands on the visible bulge of his crotch.

Oh.

Euijoo jerks back so fast Nicholas’s fingers slip out of his mouth with a wet sound.

"What the hell—"

He wipes his mouth with the back of his hand, staring at Nicholas in disbelief, face heating up all the way to his ears. "Are you seriously hard right now?"

Nicholas groans. "How can I not get hard when I have you sucking on my fingers like it's a fucking delicacy?" he grits out.

Euijoo scoffs, "Well, it's your idea!"

"And I thought you were helping me to relieve my stress —not relieve your fucked up fantasy," Euijoo hisses.

Nicholas slouches his body and messes with his hair in a frustrated manner. Still in that position, he glances up to Euijoo with an intense gaze.

"Juju," Nicholas calls out, his pupils thin out into slits — almost predatory. Euijoo definitely feels like prey at the moment; his heartbeat thumping like a rabbit's.

If Euijoo were in the right mind —if he were not delirious with exhaustion and anxiety, he wouldn't even consider this. But he's tired —God, he's so so tired, and Nicholas's desire is so evident that it muddles his thinking. Adrenaline is coursing through his bloodstream and it makes him reckless.

Besides, Euijoo must admit — begrudgingly — that having his mouth occupied actually does wonders. It frees his mind from any thoughts. It's relaxing; and in a way, freeing.

So, before Nicholas can get a word out, Euijoo lifts his feet off the ground, folds them to his chest, but then extends one out to rub against Nicholas's crotch.

Nicholas lets out a strangled grunt; the sound comes from his very core, as if the air was punched out of him. In a flash, he grabs Euijoo's ankle and firmly grips it, halting Euijoo's movement.

Euijoo's breath hitches.

The hand circling his ankle is warm and rough with callouses. It also doesn't escape his notice that the hand is so large that there is still plenty of room where Nicholas's thumb and middle finger meet. The sight sends a shiver down his spine, his belly simmering with heat the more he looks at it.

"Juju, now you're just teasing m—"

"I want it in my mouth."

Euijoo looks at Nicholas from under his lashes, shameless enough to weaponize his big doe eyes that he knows most are weak to, and aims them straight to Nicholas's stunned face.

"Please?" he pleads.

Nicholas mutters something under his breath—Euijoo can't quite catch it—before asking, face suddenly serious, "Are you sure?"

There are a myriad of reasons they shouldn't do this: they'll be crossing a line that could make things awkward between them, and not just for the two of them, but for the whole group if they're not careful enough about hiding it. But more than that, Euijoo will get a taste of the real thing instead of the half-pathetic fantasies he settles for in the shower, and realize it hurts more to be close enough to touch, but not enough to have.

Fuck it.

"Yes."

Nicholas shifts to sit properly on the couch, and Euijoo positions himself on the floor between Nicholas's spread legs. It all goes smoothly, as if they've done this before. Euijoo wonders what goes through Nicholas's mind —is he thinking about how easily Euijoo gives himself away, how much of a whore that makes him? (It slips his mind this whole predicament started with Nicholas's stupid idea.) Or is he thinking about how much of a virgin Euijoo is, when his hands tremble when he hooks his fingers under the waistband of Nicholas's sweatpants?

Or maybe he's not thinking at all, if the way his gaze unfocuses and his breathing grows heavy is anything to go by.

Nicholas is half-hard, his cock resting heavily in Euijoo's clumsy hands. A hiss, then Nicholas goes quiet again when Euijoo grips him with a little too much pressure.

Without much effort, he's fully hard now, cock flushed and glossy with precum.

Euijoo glances up at Nicholas's face.

"Go on," Nicholas says, his voice husky but still carries tenderness.

Euijoo leans in, hesitant. He picks up the natural musk scent wafting off him, mixed with something sweeter —familiar; Nicholas's body wash. Weirdly, it brings a sense of comfort, and it gives him the courage to finally open his mouth.

Euijoo lets only the tip into his mouth, suckling lightly. Nicholas's hips suddenly buckle, and Euijoo jerks back in surprise.

"Sorry!" Nicholas apologises. "It's kinda overwhelming for me. I'll stay still this time," he promises.

"You better be."

Euijoo tries again, but this time he goes deeper, inch by inch until he can't anymore. Nicholas keeps his promise and stays still the whole time, except for the occasional shifts, which Euijoo forgives him for.

Once he gets the hang of it, Euijoo settles his head properly on Nicholas's thigh and gets comfortable.

Euijoo feels a soft brush against the crown of his head, and when he hums in approval, Nicholas grows more certain, fingers combing gently through his hair.

All the muscles in Euijoo turns lax and his breathing steadier. More than anything, his head is silent for once.

All his worries about the upcoming debut, his responsibility as the leader and sole Korean member, even the pulsing longing he feels for Nicholas that goes beyond the platonic boundaries they set —all of it fades away, if only for a moment.

His senses narrow to the weight in his mouth, the taste, and the scent. He stays like that for a while, letting the silence in his head last as long as it can.

✧⁠✧✧

Euijoo is brought back to reality from his dazed state by light tapping on his cheek. His mouth is still full as before.

"Euijoo," Nicholas says. "I know, I know, I'm sorry," he murmurs, smoothing the furrow in Euijoo's brow with his fingers.

"But we need to get proper sleep. We've got an early schedule, and K-hyung's going to be mad if you're still stumbling around tomorrow."

Euijoo wipes the streak of drool on his chin with the back of his hand and flexes his jaw gingerly, trying to ease the tension. He gulps down his saliva, but it's a painful fit with how dry his throat is.

Nicholas, notices immediately, "Ah, I'll go get some water from the kitchen." He pulls the sweatpants back into place.

Euijoo nods and tries to get up onto the couch, but his legs give out and he falls back down with a thud. Nicholas rushes to him and, without a second thought, wraps an arm around Euijoo's waist and hoists him up onto the couch. In an instant, Euijoo regains feeling in his legs, the blood circulating properly now that he's no longer on his knees.

Though Nicholas's arousal is still present, his erection visible to anyone looking, he chooses to ignore it and heads to the kitchen anyway.

It makes his throat drier than it already is.

Nicholas comes back with a glass of water soon after. Euijoo sends him an appreciative smile, takes the glass, and downs the water in one go.

Only after Euijoo sets the glass down on the coffee table beside the couch does Nicholas excuse himself to the bathroom. He's probably taking care of himself. Euijoo kind of feels bad for him. But, he's also slightly surprised that the erection hasn't gone down at all, even when he goes to the kitchen. Nicholas's stamina never fails to amaze him.

Euijoo lets out a long sigh. He glances to the coffee table where the digital clock reads 3:42 a.m. It seems like they both have about three more hours to sleep before they have to get ready for their schedule.

He's feeling floaty, the act of having his mouth occupied sends him into a headspace he's not familiar with, but finds it incredibly pleasing. He struggles to preserve this rare moment of peace, still chasing the thrill of being —well— essentially, nothing.

The silence is interrupted by the creaking of the door and the sound of Nicholas clearing his throat, an aattempt to ease the awkwardness in the air.

"Um, do you wanna share the bed?" Nicholas asks, breaking the silence. Then, he quickly adds, "Of course, it's only because I know you sleep better if you have someone to hug."

Euijoo bristles, "That was one time, you asshole!"

"Oh, it was definitely thrice, Juju. Don't pretend not to know."

Euijoo rolls his eyes at that. He can feel the telltale signs of a headache forming if he chooses to indulge Nicholas any further in this sick game of his, getting under Euijoo's skin. It defies the purpose of this whole situation, so Euijoo opts to shut his mouth, and throws himself on the bed. He leaves enough space on the bed, and Nicholas takes that as a hint to dive into the space.

It's a tight fit, but they make it work. They're facing each other and Euijoo doesn't waste a second to wrap his limbs around Nicholas like a vine. There's no part of them that isn't touching. The warmth from Nicholas's body pulls him under, he's starting to feel sleepy.

"How do you feel?"

Euijoo hums at the question, eyes still closed. He ponders for a moment, but the coziness, the closeness, and the ease in the way their body fits right with each other strips away the filter in his mind, and lets his tongue loose.

"I think I'm most myself when I'm with you."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

Euijoo doesn't know where they stand, doesn't know which version of himself will he take on tomorrow once the situation really dawns on him, doesn't know what to do with himself now that he's had a taste of Nicholas. He doesn't know what he'll do if Nicholas starts to ask for more, but never with the question he wants to hear the most.

For now, he just matches his breathing with Nicholas's and lets sleep claim him.