Chapter Text
Eighteen-year-old Hyuntak expected a lot from life. He was always optimistic; regardless of what he faced or how many hardships life threw his way, he always found a way to push through. Maybe it was because of how his mother raised him, or maybe it was his stubborn refusal to give up.
But one year later, Go Hyuntak, now, no longer has that stubbornness or even the will to live all along.
Maybe that's why he's sitting in his dimly lit room, wondering whether he should write a letter to his mother, the only person he still has, and if so, what he would even say. How could he explain this cruel decision to her, one that wouldn't only affect him but would shatter her completely? Would any words help her at all, after she built her whole life around him?
The answer is simple: No. Of course nothing would soothe her heart. Nothing would ever ease her grief.
It's a selfish act he knows that. He knows that putting his mother through such a painful experience, hurting her in such a cruel way, is selfish. But he can't do it anymore.
Nothing makes sense now. He's tired, too tired to keep going. He doesn't even have the will to do anything even breathing feels like a burden. which is ironic, considering how full of life he used to be
There was a time when he went to sleep excited, only to wake up even more eager for the day ahead. Sometimes, he couldn't even sleep properly because of how alive he felt and how much there was to look forward to.
Even after he lost his taekwondo career, he kept pushing through. He still found reasons to look forward to his days.
But then life happened. Wrong decisions were made, one after another, until his whole life turned upside down. The brightness he once carried dulled over time. And now, he can't push through anymore
doesn't even want to push through
Lying on his bed, waiting for the meds to do their thing for the hollowness in his chest to fade, one question filled his mind.
If he could go back, would he make the same mistakes all over again? Would anything change at all, or was his life always bound to end up this way?
Those questions had been circling in his mind for the longest time. He had gone over every possible answer, replaying memories, imagining all the ways his life could have turned out differently.
Like, maybe what if he hadn't gotten injured and his knee accident hadn't happened? What would his life look like? Maybe he would've won some medals and helped pay his mother back for all her sacrifices, and get to see her eyes shine with pride, proving that she had done a great job raising him on her own. or maybe he would've failed, just like everything else in his life.
Or what if he had never pulled away from his friends, never blamed Baku for falling in love with their enemy? Never gotten mad at them for siding with him and defending him? Was he wrong for that?
Maybe he was.But he couldn't move past how much he had suffered that night and the many nights that followed. The cracking sound of his knee under Na Baekjin's boots was still ranging in his head, along with the shooting pain, his lost career, and the way he had lost everything he worked so hard for in the blink of an eye.
All because of Na Baekjin.
And yet he knew how much Na Baekjin meant to Baku. He had always known how complicated their relationship was, how devastated Baku had been when they fell apart and that Baku of all people, deserved to be loved, to be happy after everything he had endured and sacrificed.
Especially since he himself had been in love with another enemy someone who had tormented him for years on end, and never really stopped.
He remembers vividly, how he refused to listen to his friends advice, remembers the blooming bruises, how he had grown used to his body being painted in different shades of red, green, blue, and purple. He also remembers how he made him drift away from his friends, isolating himself completely from the outside world.
But it wasn't all on him. He still can't fully blame him for it, because in the end, it was his fault he let it happen to himself.
His life went downhill after they took the Union down. Nothing turned out the way he expected. There was no peace, no happiness, no safety, nothing. Just a void, a hollowness that filled his chest completely and kept suffocating him until he crumpled under it all.
That's when Geum Seongje showed up again in his life, only this time, he came back with new ways to torment him. Because playing with his body wasn't enough anymore, Seongje needed something new to toy with something to bruise and own completely. That's when he went for Hyuntak's heart and even beyond that for his soul. He wanted to leave his imprint there.
And for a long time, Hyuntak thought that was enough. He liked the push and pull, the way Seongje was obsessed with him. He liked how it made him feel, how high he got every time he spent time with him, and the rush he felt each time Seongje showed up unannounced at his house until he didn't anymore. Until Seongje's presence became overwhelming, until he found himself waiting for him to leave every time he showed up and missing him every time he disappeared, it was a mess. He couldn't decipher what he was feeling or what he wanted exactly he just knew that he couldn't stand the suffocation that came with or without his presence
and his friends judging faces weren't helping at all, and that only made him angrier. Why would they support Baku and his relationship with Na Baekjin of all people, yet judge him?
He hated it. It made him feel small, like he wasn't capable of making his own decisions or even protecting himself, which was another reason why he couldn't end his relationship with Geum Seongje. He didn't want them to pity him, didn't want to hear the "I told you he was bad for you."
So he kept holding on, swallowing all the pain because his pride couldn't handle that
Pride he had always been full of it, always too stubborn to give up or let anyone see that he was hurting. Even when he was bleeding on the dirty floor, he couldn't stop running his mouth or trying to stand back up, all just to protect that pride.
But look where it led him: to nowhere.
His pride had forbidden him from seeking help, from even talking about his feelings.
And now, lying on his bed, he clung to one final thought what would he change if he could go back?
Sounds annoying… sounds like someone's shouting his name. Is he dreaming again?
"Yah Go Hyuntak, wake up—we're getting late for school!"
Someone said it in a loud, annoying tone a tone that sounded a lot like Baku's.
Something hit his head again. Something light probably a pillow? He didn't know. Didn't want to know he just want to sleep.
"Yah Go Hyuntak, wake up!"
Now that random person was practically screaming in his ears while shaking him.
"Baku, what the fuck is wrong with you?"
Baku was standing by his bed, hair disheveled, looking stupid like usual. Hyuntak's eyes darted around the room, everything looked the same yet different somehow. His chest tightened. And then it hit him.
That voice. That face. It shouldn't be possible.
"Baku?" he whispered.