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I really wanted a relationship with her. It probably would never work and part of me knows I shouldn't be doing this but, I'm almost…desperate? I'm a flawed, young, stupid boy. And when faced with the options of “stay with the girl that might've ruined your life” and “actually take control and full authority of your life” I'm obviously going to choose the first one, why wouldn't I? I tend to be called self destructive. I don't entirely disagree..I don't entirely agree either. The duality of troll.
Figuring out what I want out of a relationship is hard for me. I tend to go for what I need, not what I want. But I need to branch out. Find what I want. I don't feel black romance the way others feel so, that's already out. Plus, the hatred for ourselves contributes to the mutual platonic hatred of each other.
Redrom, is an option. Sure. I don't feel that way about her. And yeah I want something red but, with…her? No. Never. That would never work. If we tried I think I would end up dead before I hit my next sweep.
A lot of things tend to be mutual between us. And like most of our friendships, we've come to the mutual, yet controversial, opinion of..testing something out. I feel kind of bad that she likes me, I feel gross for liking her.
“So we'll try it?” Looking anywhere but Vriska's face. “Give it a uh…a trial run?” She looked at him, giggled a little at how stupid he sounded and slapped one of his disproportionately sized horns playfully. “Yeah, a “trial run”...jeez Tavros, you word things so weirdly sometimes.” Tavros rolled his eyes. “It's like you can't talk.” He looked up at her and made some stupid, dorky smile. “I don't do it very often…if you want me to get better at it thouuggghhhh” He looked over at his copious amounts of “Pupa Pan” merchandise and wiggled his eyebrows. “Nope! Nopee!! Noooooooot doing this!”
It was going so well. Yeah, you guys fought from time to time but that's normal. Especially considering your history with her. When trying to be pale with the girl that basically tried to kill you, it can get kind of awkward and violent sometimes. She messed with you but she comforted you too. When someone is your only source of comfort, how can you not become dependent on them to feel normal? I guess that was why shit hit the fan. You got weird and creepy about it, and she noticed.
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I feel kind of bad, though I do have to repeat “kind of”, for leaving him. But it's not my fault! I'm allowed to have boundaries, he got weird. Am I not allowed to be uncomfortable with it? He wants us to be so specific in what we are and that's just not how it works for me, or for him! He can't handle being spades without sobbing and I don't know how ANYONE could handle being his matesprit or moirail. He's just so….clingy! Maybe I'm not right for him, maybe it's my fault we didn't work out the way we planned. If I had just…if I had just tried then, maybe I wouldn't be staring at this bull-horned wimp sob into the blanket I got him.
It's unfortunate we had to end it off with a huge fight, “Maybe we can try again some other time..” Anyone with a brain could tell that Tavros was trying, trying so hard, to say something. Anything. He couldn't, he moved his mouth and squeezed his vocal chords but no matter how hard he tried, nothing came out.
He was shaking, he looked cold and scared and small. She wanted to believe he was trying to guilt trip her but she knew he wasn't. She bent over and picked him up, struggling to get him out of his wheelchair and onto the floor.
“I'm sorry”...that hurt to say. She never apologized, she never apologized for anything but it was different this time. It was different because it was him. It was different because it was the same boy she thought she hated that was sobbing into her chest. The same boy she hurt that was begging for her forgiveness for something she caused. Begging for her comfort, her love, her acceptance.
“Are you uh…cold?” He couldn't say anything, he just hugged her, she took that as a no. “I'm sorry we can't…we can't be what you want. But it's for the better. For the both of us,” she looked away from him, trying to erase the thought of him being so distraught from her mind but his loud sobs and stuffy-nosed sniffling didn't help. “We aren't healthy, we can't be healthy, we can stay friends but, we aren't…pale. We don't work pale, we don’t…work…Tavros.” His cries just got louder. “I-I'm s-so-so sor-sor-rryy!!” He kept crying. “No…ugh..Tavros please stop. It's not your fault…fully.” She started patting his head.
After a while, his tears and sobs stopped. He looked up at her then back down.
“Vriska…is this all my fault?”
What was she supposed to say? No?? It wasn't…fully his fault. She didn't want to lie to him.
“Not fully yours, no.” “Then what part is? Please, please Vriska I'll- I'll change! I'll fix myself! Please tell me what's wrong,” She hesitated for a moment. “It's…it's that! ‘Tell me what's wrong so I can fix it’ ‘please Vriska please’..you're just so..damn..desperate! So desperate for my approval! That's why we'll never work, Nitram. You're just..TOO MUCH!”
Maybe she said too much. Maybe she said too little. Maybe his reaction was too much, maybe it was too little.
He was silent, what else was there to say? He just sat there. She sat next to him.
“I don't know what we were,” He looked up at her. “..I don't know what I want..” She nudged his arm. “Let's try again when we're less…stupid”
“...yeah..”
Vriska lets out a huggggeeee sigh and flops onto her back. “Soooooooo…what now..” He looked at her and closed his eyes. “I want my recuperacoon…” “That you don't fit in? LOL!” “Shut up Vriska..” He tried looking serious and mean but once Vriska's laugh began, his did too.