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Sam does it a lot lately, really every chance he gets. Sitting outside, and just looking at the stars. They amaze him. It’s something constant, something that he knows will be there the next time he looks up. It’s a reminder that he’s alone in his body, and he’s in control. It grounds him, in a way nothing else really does anymore.
He probably should’ve grabbed a coat this time, but it’s fine, he’ll survive a bit of shivering. He lays down on the soft grass, and watches. He likes to imagine the creation of the stars, to picture them sparking into existence out of nothing. He wonders sometimes if Castiel had anything to do with their creation, or if he atleast saw it.
When Lucifer looked at the sky through Sam’s eyes, Sam was terrified. The sky had looked so empty then. There wasn’t any light or stars. just a vast dark pressing in from all sides. All Sam had felt was that cold, suffocating absence, like the darkness was swallowing him whole with no way out and no way to fight it. Lucifer was cold in a way that Sam still doesn’t have a word for. He’s still worried about how something like that leaves a mark, how his soul is darkerand colder now.
“Sam.” A soft voice breaks his train of thought. “Mind if I join you?”
Sam tilts his head and smiles warmly at Castiel, the tension in his chest easing almost immediately. Cas always makes his soul feel warmer, even if it’s just by being there. He shakes his head, shifting slightly to make space, and Castiel lowers himself beside him without another word.
“Are you cold?” Castiel asks after a moment. Sam lets out a soft huff of laughter, what a great timing to ask that, he thinks.
“I mean, yeah, a little. But it’s fine. I wanted to be out here.”
Castiel turns his head to look at him fully. “Are you alright?” he asks eventually.
Sam exhales slowly, “I’m alright,” he says, quietly.
“What were you thinking about?”
Sam looks back at the stars, taking a deep breath. “Lucifer,” he admits.
Castiel reaches over and takes Sam’s hand in his, his thumb brushing lightly against his skin. “You’re sure you’re okay?” he asks again. “You don’t have to pretend with me.”
Sam squeezes his hand back. “Yeah,” he says, after a moment. “I’m okay.
The silence that settles between them is heavier now, stretching out longer than before. Castiel doesn’t pull away, but there’s tension in the way he holds Sam’s hand. He’s worried about Sam. He seems to be doing better, but Castiel knows how fragile recovery is, and you don’t really recover from what Sam has been through.
“Aren’t they beautiful?” Sam eventually asks, his voice softer. “The stars, I mean.”
Castiel follows his gaze, looking up at the sky. “Mhm,” he hums. “They are.”
He shifts a little closer, and Sam rests his head against Castiel’s chest. The steady rhythm of his heartbeat is grounding. Castiel’s hand comes up to thread through Sam’s hair.
“You know,” Sam starts, “when Lucifer possessed me.. I couldn’t see the stars. Not like this.” He swallows. “It was like..they never existed. Like the sky was just empty. Endless and empty and just so cold. He was so cold.”
Sam lets out a quiet breath. “I just never realized how dark it is without them, You don’t think about it Until it’s gone.”
Castiel hums in agreement, and for a while, they just lay there, watching the stars in silence.
Eventually, Castiel shifts, carefully pulling off his trench coat and draping it over Sam’s shoulders. Sam protests weakly, but he’s already leaning into the warmth, pulling it closer around himself as another shiver runs through him.
“You know, Sam,” Castiel says after a moment. “I’ve watched many stars being created.”
Sam chuckles softly against his chest.“I figured you had.”
“It was always beautiful,” Castiel continues. “A spark of light in complete darkness, and then a bright explosion. And then the colors come together, slowly, until it becomes something beautiful .” He pauses. “I’ve only ever seen a few things brighter or more pure than that.”
Sam shifts slightly. “Like what?” he asks.
“An angel being created,” Castiel says. “It’s… overwhelming. The amount of power, and the light..it’s-its difficult to describe.”
Sam smiles softly, his eyes still on the sky.
“Some parts of Heaven, too,” Castiel adds. “Certain souls built beautiful heavens. Full of light.”
At that, Sam feels a quiet pang of guilt settle in his chest. He knows how much Castiel misses Heaven, even if he doesn’t say it outright. And some part of him still feels like it’s his fault.
He opens his mouth to apologize, but Castiel speaks again before he can.
“You want to know what’s the most bright and beautiful thing I’ve ever seen?” Castiel asks. “What was the star in the darkness for me?”
Sam’s brows knit slightly. “Hmm?”
“Your soul, Sam.”
“My soul?” he repeats.
“It’s the brightest I’ve ever seen,” he says “Not even Lucifer managed to extinguish it.” His voice softens. “And when I fell, I was lost. But I could still find you, I could still feel that light from your soul.”
Sam’s throat tightens, his eyes stinging.
“And when I lost you,” Castiel continues, “when you locked yourself in the cage,that was the first time I understood what true darkness felt like. Because you weren’t there anymore.” He pauses. “I hadn’t realized how much light you brought.”
Sam doesn’t say anything, he just blinks fighting the tears that are threatening to spill.
“You’re my star, Sam,” Castiel says quietly.
Sam lets out a shaky breath. “And you’re mine, Cas,” he manages, “I love you.”
Castiel doesn’t hesitate. “And I you.”
And if a tear slides down his cheek at that, they both pretend not to notice.
They stay like that for a long time after, wrapped up in each other, the cold forgotten under the warmth of the coat and the quiet closeness. The sky stretches endlessly above them, filled with light that feels a little less distant now.
And when a star finally falls, Sam watches it go and closes his eyes for just a second.
He wishes for many more nights like this.