Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Rui loves her new skirt. It's made of pink linen layered with white tulle. It's cute and puffy and long falling over her knees. It flows in the wind gracefully as she walks by, making people turn their heads because they need to watch. She's just that beautiful, of course.

Her mom took a little convincing, a lot of bribing with promises and playing the favorite daughter card, but she finally allowed her to wear something risky. She wears a beige high neck lace tiered blouse to match with her long hair, a twisted braid falling over her shoulder, and her eyebrows lined with glitter and faux white gemstones all over. Her look is free, so she must be as well.

It's a ‘Saturday date with Jiwoo and Megan’ day. The first thing they say when she appears is about how cute her hair looks. She recently became a blonde and the change was praised by all, except Haru who said she looked like a highlighter. He's always throwing insults and she has to convince herself it doesn't hurt. He is just annoying, and says as much when Megan asks about him and Jiwoo exaggerates a sigh.

“Aren't you a little obsessed with Haru?” Jiwoo remarks.

“C'mon, he's handsome!” Megan defends.

Rui softly chuckles under a forced smile.

She hates, only sometimes, Haru's disdain towards her interests. He doesn't understand that she's growing up and wants to show off sometimes; to be pretty, feel attractive with glitter and lace, and beautiful with colorful makeup. He can't stand that he's a loser who's failing school, meanwhile she's fun and has friends. They're not close anymore, he doesn't know anything about her, so how dare he speak up?

She makes some of the men in the food court turn their heads when they see her pass by, so who's the winner here? 

The day passes her by and the little bug named Haru in her mind doesn't leave. Why is she thinking about him, anyway?

‘Ugh,’ Rui thinks as she walks back home after a perfectly fun afternoon with friends, ‘he's so annoying! Why does he have to ruin a good day?’ It never makes any sense.

From her pink keychain dangles a transparent resin butterfly and a photocard holder she custom-made with mom's help, her sewing machine and some red faux fur. It's pretty. It's all so cute. 'It's fucking ridiculous,' Haru's voice rings in her head again and she groans.

Rui crosses the threshold and changes into her fluffy cat slippers that are a little bit worn out after much continued use. Music loudly erupts from the living room, the sound of some band she never actually bothered learning the name of but Haru loves. The guitar sounds are grating to the ears and the singer has a bad case of raspy vocals that would strip someone of a career 5 years later. It probably happened, Haru mostly listens to old music no one cares for anymore. She can't help but frown and move with annoyed and exaggerated steps forward.

The evening’s sunshine gets in through the windows facing the backyard and highlights Haru's body lying in the living room couch, his hands extended over one armrest and his legs dangling down the other end. He sings mindless words she doesn't understand, because of the singer’s lack of enunciation. He's wearing all blacks and blues and ripped jeans he should maybe get rid of already.

"Where did mom and dad go?" she tries raising her voice louder than the music is and isn't sure it works because he doesn't move, but his eyes do focus on her. "Come on, did they go eat or to a party?"

He raises his hand with two fingers up.

She sighs. “I'll order in."

Chinese takeout is always cheap and fulfilling, Rui believes, and it's a rarity for them to have it, so she happily munches on her rice and gestures to her brother to do the same, but Haru moves his spoon aimlessly in circles pushing the rice around. Maybe she could be kinder about his angsty act if he gave her something to work with, some quip or silly one-off, but he doesn't say anything anyway. Maybe he's actually down this time.

Haru pours his rice back in the container, the heavenly silence interrupted by his movements– dropping the chopsticks and spoon on top of the plate on the sink then opening the faucet to scrub it with warm water. He's blunt with his moves and makes more mess than needed, getting water and soap everywhere.

"Can you be less obnoxious?" Rui stands beside him, holding her empty plate in front of her.

"Can you be less annoying?" Haru dryly retorts and takes the plate and utensils from her. "Go to sleep, didn't you have a great time today and shit?"

"Well, yeah!" she huffs. "Megan said my birthday could be at her place, since it's bigger and I want all my friends there.” She bites her upper lip. "Do you think dad will let me do it and stay the night?"

He sighs. "Maybe you should ask mom first.”

"Alright.”

She waits beside him until the last utensil is clean and dried. She claps and he smiles towards her with his lips closed and eyebrows raised, as if he's awaiting something. She rolls her eyes, lets an over-acted sigh out and gives him a quick, tight hug. At least it gets a chuckle out of him, so it's a success.

"Do you want to watch a dumb movie?" Rui grabs him by the hand to drag him away.

The movie isn't exactly dumb. It's worse. Haru had never heard of ‘Neighbours’, but Rui said her friend—Megan?—had recommended watching it with a beer. Haru, like a responsible older brother, doesn't let her drink alone and forces her to share, but maybe it's an excuse. The can is cold and Rui doesn't want to hold it for long because her fingers start cramping and hurting, and he finds himself smiling at her whiny baby voice when she asks for him to take it.

Eventually half the can is gone with Rui having taken just a couple sips and refusing more, disgusted with the taste, so he thinks ‘why not?’ and gulps down the rest in two swigs.

"Are you sure dad will be ok with you drinking his things?"

"Whatever.” Haru waves his fingers in the air and lets his hand fall on his sister's knee. His fingers softly move upwards just a couple inches, stop and go back down. He looks at it intently and wonders... Is this fine?

"Don't tell me you're drunk from one can," she adopts a lower tone meant to be mocking, but is raspy in the back of her throat and resonates within Haru's mind in a way that confuses him. "I thought you drank all the time with this guy—"

"Whatever,” he insists, a hint of annoyance in his voice, and looks up from his hand to her face to give her one of his annoyed looks. She pouts and sinks in her shoulders. She's too cute.

He moves up just a little bit more, sneaking a fraction of an inch to the inside of her thighs, and she places her hand on top of his. His heart jumps, finding himself rejected, but–

"Please tell me his name, if you have a boyfriend I—"

"I told you it's not like that, I don't have boyfriends,” he slurs. His head slouches to the right, leaning down slow enough for her to avoid him. Does he want her to avoid him? "Or girlfriends."

"Ugh, you're sooo popular I get it." Rui throws his hand away from her, gets up and fixes her skirt back into place. "You're annoying.” She walks away, towards the stairs.

Haru slides down the couch and shakes his body around until he's facing the sunset-reflecting ceiling. "What? Aren't you gonna watch this bullshit with me?!" Haru calls out.

"Goodnight!"

Haru can hear her smile as she walks up and away. He smiles too once he's sure she won't see nor hear him and as the minutes go by he lets his body relax on the comfortable, soft pillows. The movie playing in the background turns to white noise and starts vanishing little by little from his ears as his racing heart overpowers it.

He held her and she didn't flinch, not even a comment, not even a look. Why? How? Never before had he touched her that way. Daring, pushy in a way anyone would beat his ass over. His eyebrows deform and his head hurts as he thinks about her exposed skin over and over again, arriving at only one conclusion. He wants to do it again.

Their parents arrive the next morning and aren’t so mad at the fact Haru fell asleep on the couch after stealing a beer as they are mad at the Chinese takeout hidden deep in the fridge. Well, “they” is an overreach. Mom is mad, dad just lets her rant their ears off.

"How many times have I said you can't know what they put in these things? There's plenty left over from lunch!"

Their mom preaches while waving the takeout box in the air, showing it off like a cursed item. She has gone on this sermon about bad food habits, fattening sugars, and fake protein a thousand times before. Haru can only contain himself from rolling his eyes every time. He does refute every single point she makes, just... In his head.

"I just wanted something else and ordered, it's only one time.” He shrugs. Rui is standing beside their parents and looks at him. He looks back at her and clicks his tongue against his palate. "Anyways, was that all? I'm gonna go out with a guy."

"What do you mean a guy? Which guy?"

"This guy in my Spanish class, I think his name is Martin or something." He's already walking out.

"Keep your phone on!" She yells hoping he got to hear before being out the door. She sighs, sure he did but won't do as told.

Rui slips away to the backyard as soon as her dad turns on the tv and overexcited football casters start blasting technical terms around. She takes her phone out and looks for his chat thread. The contact name, "Haru🦊💛", was only recently changed to add the emojis. She's sure if he knew about it he'd tease her until they're both 50 years older.

'You could've just told her i bought it' she texts.

His text bubble appears immediately.

'its whatevr'

'you owe me a beer when i get back thoo,,cold one'

Rui rolls her eyes and closes the app immediately.

When Haru gets back, it's 9 PM and completely dark outside. He seems completely fine if you ignore that his breath reeks of some hard liquor and his shirt is backwards. Rui gets a whiff of it as soon as he greets hello and moves to the side, as Mom focuses on him being out late and talks his ear off, making it impossible for Rui to get a word in if she wanted. ‘Doesn't he know it's dangerous when it gets dark? Has he learned nothing from her?’ Just like before, everyone knows this script too. She threatens to ground him for a month and stop his allowance. He walks up the stairs tipsy and disinterested, and she follows.

Rui sits in the living room and doomscrolls TikTok as she occasionally looks up and hopes Haru will be walking down the stairs any moment now, unbothered as usual. For whatever reason a little voice in the deepest part of her brain says that he needs her and she should at least try and reach for him. Like a premonition, or a reminder that what's happened before will happen again. Whatever that means. But he doesn't come out and she doesn't go looking.

‘Did she take your money?’ she texts. And waits for him to start writing back, because he always does. Immediately.

..

…

Nothing.

Mom comes back down soon enough with her hair tied up and a different short-sleeved shirt on, prepared to finish cooking dinner and meal prepping for the week which she asks Rui’s help for. She happily does.

Haru only comes back out an hour after that, wearing different clothes that don't stink.

They sit together at the dinner table, Mom and dad on one side, son and daughter on the other and they eat in silence until Dad makes conversation. Talks about a coworker of his who's trying to set up an independent new bar and wonders if it's worth investing in. He tries to get Haru's attention and to say something, an opinion or a quick jab, whatever works to know he's there and listening.

He sighs, "whatever you want is fine.”

Mom joins in and starts talking about smart investing, about involving her brother, and eventually changing the topic.

Haru checks out and absentmindedly lets his hand drop from the table onto Rui's thigh. She looks over at him and frowns wordlessly. Haru's hand is warm and disgusting and when he squeezes her leg it makes her feel weird, no further introspection needed, so she pokes at it with her fork and laughs when he recoils wearing a grin that turns into a pout because of her mockery.

Mom laughs without really knowing what's so funny. Dad sits on the couch and turns on the TV.

December arrives and Rui asks about her birthday party. She feels silly but relieved when her parents say it's fine to do as she wishes, even moving up the party date by 2 weeks just so it doesn’t get lost in between the holidays. Their princess deserves her own weekend, so Sunday the 14th it is. Save the date! Their only condition is, of course, no alcohol. She laughs like it's obvious and hugs them both, assuring them that's an easy ask. After all, she's turning 15. Alcohol at this age is ludicrous, who would give her alcohol?

Haru arrives late and hammered to the party. He said he was gonna be there at 8 but it's now 11. The gifts have been opened, there's no more strawberry cake, and most of the guests have left already. Their dad boxes up leftover pastries and Rui places every last plate and glass in the dishwasher to start the cycle, and avoids the desperate sinking desire of hugging and hitting him simultaneously when he finally does approach her.

He tries explaining that he got held up by someone but it feels bitter in his mouth when the words come out, like it's a known lie at this point, something she maybe knows already because she interrupts his excuse-filled non-apology.

They're alone in the kitchen now, dad is finishing up the living room and the music has died down. He smells gross again, like burnt grass and twigs at the side of the road, and it fills the room. She wonders if he feels any shame, and if he should feel even more.

"It's not a problem. It’s not even my actual birthday." Rui doesn't want to show hurt so she acts annoyed, inconvenienced even. Mom is already not with her because she felt sick and he was already not riding with them to the party because he 'was busy' with god-knows-what. Excuses, lies. He so-not wants to be part of her life. She wishes he could at least be upfront about it. "You rather get drunk with your friends, it's fine.”

"No, look, no—" Haru stops himself and silently screams, keeping most of the sound trapped as a small, high pitched screech that hurts the back of his throat. And breathes. "I'm sorry I missed it.” He pushes himself way too close and holds her by the arms. Gently brushes up and down the sheer sleeves as he searches for her gaze. "I got, look, I got you a gift, look.” He takes from his pocket a small turquoise box with a tiny bow on top. "Please take it—Please, please forgive me," his words slurs out like there’s smoke trapped in his throat.

She meets his eyes finally and takes the box, her hand trembling. Haru wants to die because her eyes look so pretty with light blue makeup and highlighter, her lips plump and glossy and alluring. He's sick in the head. He needs to die. But he doesn't want to when his heart races again once she opens the container and smiles at the sight of a beautiful silvery necklace that's now hers.

"Haru!" She gasps and holds the pretty butterfly gemstone in her palm. She can't fight back the biggest smile, that which she's mentioned her hatred for time and time again. It's pretty, Haru wants to say every time. "What?!"

He laughs quietly and feels enraptured by the glow in her eyes and curve on her lips. She's like magic. And dumbly, he takes the chain to unclip and put it around her neck. She holds her hair up to make it easier and his mind jumps to her neck, her collarbone, the curve of the bone as it goes down her shoulder. His face is too close to hers, and his fingers shake just enough to make the process of uniting both ends of the necklace that much slower.

"You're so dumb," she laughs.

"You're technically 15 now, you, you can say ‘m a dick." He looks into her eyes, almost perfectly in line with his if not for a few inches she lacks but could compensate for with high heels.

"Dumb fuck," Rui drags the 'ck' sound, and watches his eyebrows perk up and look at her in fake outrage. She laughs harder and her smile doesn't fade after that.

Finally he locks the chain and lets her fix the gemstone's position. He pretends he doesn't focus on her mouth, and stupidly drags his hands down her curves until he reaches her hips. She holds him by the shoulders, scared he's falling down and needs the support, that's why he's touching her, but after a couple seconds realizes it's not the case. They're just... Too close. Too much.

"Why did you even drink so much?" She murmurs. His breath reeks. She can almost taste the alcohol level.

Haru shakes his head. "Nothing." His hands travel upwards her waist and back. "You're pretty. So, so pretty," he mumbles like it physically hurts. "Does any guy ever tell you that? I'll—'ma fight them, I promise."

"I'm so pretty and popular, you can’t even imagine." Rui smiles tenderly this time, and shrugs, proud of her charm. Keeping up the game. Because it's a game. It has to.

Haru's heart breaks all over again. "I'll fight them all."

Their dad drives them back home and helps get Haru to his room. His dark grey, deep blues room, like his hair ever since summer break. Pristine and yet devoid of personality. It looks even worse with the low light emitted by the lamp at his bedside table. It's all so… dull.

Dad wishes Rui a good night and leaves the room. Drunk Haru isn't something anyone wants to deal with, not even his friends if her memory serves right, but she can't live with the thought of leaving him unattended.

He's dead weight while attempting to take his fake leather jacket off, so she gives up and goes for the shoes instead. That's enough to barely wake him and make minor movements with his arms. He mumbles incoherent words, moves like he's swimming through jelly, and doesn't let Rui do her job.

"Stop drinking. I'll destroy every last can in the world, I swear to you," she growls as she fights with one long sleeve to get his arm out of it.

"C’mere." He wraps his arms around her waist and yanks her into the mattress with him.

She faintly yelps. There's barely a second of complete suffocation that Haru experiences under her body, and she panics and tries to, at least, slip uncomfortably to the side and lie with her left arm stuck between them. She feels him snuggle in her stomach and hide under her fluffy white jacket. Her heart might as well jump off a cliff the way it's rushing and burning her down from the inside out. It needs something to put it out.

"Stay," he whispers and wiggles closer to her, "with me."

She's not supposed to, but she wants to give up. Maybe she finally feels pity, probably recognizes how much of a disaster he is and wants to comfort him. Is it so?

"Haru, stop." Rui holds down his shoulder and pins him back on the bed. He doesn't fight at all. He's soft and weak like he's never been in front of her, the display trying to melt her away and force her to give in. Thing is she may really, truly want to. "You know, under this light, even you could look handsome." Jokes, they're easy and helpful when emotionally conflicted. It's proven by the silly laughter Haru’s barely lucid mind lets out, so she forces an awkward laugh as well, but there's no momentum for it. Silence comes quickly.

Lampshade isn't great for details, but she holds on to his half open eyes and dumb lips moving without forcing out sound. Under the terrible lighting, she sees him and wonders about that feeling in the mouth of her stomach, if it has a name, or when it first appeared. It's not brand new, not exactly old, and she's forced to hide it from everyone, from him, especially from herself. But in a moment like this, with his hands groping at her hips, with her fingers caressing his face, with his eyes not actually looking... Would it be allowed? Can she look at him like that?

She forces herself out of that road because she's going too fast and can't afford crashing. Not now, nor ever.

Slipping from his grasp is easy. It's dumb. She could've freed herself at any moment. She's never this dumb. His pathetic sounds of misery force her to remember who she is, who he is, and why she would never be permitted such thoughts.

"You're impossible. I hate you."

He weakly cries out once more. "No… Stay…”

Rui fixes the loose hair on the right side of her face, very much frustrated and done. He's pathetic, he's always been pathetic. Such an older brother.

"Have a good night.” She turns the switch off to leave him in complete darkness and walks out, not caring for the whimpering and begging.

She's exhausted after hosting a party, she deserves a glass of water and sleep, not to take care of a whiny-baby brother that can't even keep a promise and instead makes her consider stupid scenarios she won't ever name.

The kitchen is lonely at night. She must know, she spends a lot of time there organizing and cleaning. So she walks, spinning the pendant in between her index finger and thumb, from one side to the other while reminiscing about the night. About the fun. Her friends. The food she barely nibbled at. About how upset she was when Haru arrived late and immediately gave her a lovely present. It's so Haru to mess up and immediately find a solution. Why does he do it? Is it fun for him? Is it just his charm?

She gets a cold water bottle from the fridge and sits at the dinner table, letting her body relax and her feet rest on the fluffy slippers. She wants to think about it all, but is threatened by the peeking image of Haru begging for her to stay. She doesn't want to go back to that moment or consider anything. She has to bury it and look for excuses. Haru drinks too much, is never on time, fails his classes, is probably not going to university and won’t amount to anything. Unlike her. She has a future, she’ll be a dancer or a singer, an actress, a star, someone worthwhile and someday she’ll forget about these vapid feelings. About these empty moments.

Her mom walks into the room and her smile hovering over Rui is felt even under the night kitchen light.

"How was the party, sweetheart?" She asks.

"It was great. Muti brought the cake her mom promised!"

"Ah, good. Was it yummy?"

"Very,” she replies without thinking, but can't backtrack once she realizes she didn't actually try it. It's ok anyway, because mom approved of that cake. She'd be happy still.

"And Haru?" She pauses for a second. "Did he arrive?"

Rui slowly nods in a circle, lagging behind in her thought process. "Ah, yes, he did, he—” She coughs, interrupting herself and course correcting immediately. Saying he was drunk wasn't a good idea, he's in so much trouble already with their dad that mom would kill him or let him be grounded until he turns 21. "He got me this.” She holds the butterfly pendant in her fingers.

The woman leans in to get a better look and spends a couple seconds in silence before putting on a smile. "Ah, that's beautiful! I'm so glad, princess."

Mom wishes her goodnight, plants a kiss on her forehead and leaves quickly after. Rui stays at the table trying not to think much, instead gets lost in the reminder of friends and dance until she finishes the bottle and washes and fills it again with new water to be cooled. The low temperature emanating from the fridge forces her back to Haru's warm touch sliding up her back and then down again. His growly voice asking her to stay. His eyes completely out of it.

On the way back to her room, she stops at Haru's door and for some reason wants to go in again, finding within her no valid reason as to why. Maybe to make sure he wasn't choking on his own tongue. Maybe he was still moping like a loser. Something, something good enough to delude herself. Something that clearly said why he needs her to be there. Anything.

Her hand doesn't get any closer to the door handle, and she stands there for what feels like forever but may actually be 5 minutes until she arrives at the same conclusion she did 10 minutes ago. It's dumb to be grappling with nothing feelings and nothing thoughts. She spins in place and opens her door.

Next morning Haru is wearing a turtleneck and is quieter than usual, even for a hangover. Rui wonders if he's angry at her for not staying, but he smiles when she pinches at his side and makes him notice she's wearing the necklace again. He acknowledges it by nodding and takes a long gulp of his coffee. It seems like it’s enough to keep him smiling and, if anything, feign happiness until they jump on dad's car.

They’re both in the backseat, separate at first but slowly growing closer as Haru moves holding his phone out with a paused TikTok on screen. Rui curiously leans in and plays it. A red wearing influencer explains his DIY choreography to a ridiculous meme song that she immediately falls for, moving her hands in the air, loosely following the steps.

“Wait, go back.” She pauses the screen and scrolls to get a second look. He softly chuckles and lets her be, learning this stupid dance he almost swipes over.

A moment passes. His eyes jump from the video to her face and focus on her the rest of the drive.

She pretends she doesn't notice his gaze nor his free hand resting on her lap. His fingers sliding down her thigh, then sinking in between her legs. Never too close, never too far.

She's always in a skirt, he thinks it could be so easy. And she doesn't stop him when he pushes further, when his fingers hide under the cloth and bump into her panties.

Her mind goes blank, her hands stop in space and slowly go down. She gives him a quick look he doesn't get to reciprocate because instantly she looks for their dad, who has his eyes fixed on the road and mumbles some song playing on the 80’s themed radio station. The TikTok starts playing again, but she doesn't follow along anymore. Too much noise. Her breathing is buried under it all.

Haru pushes a fingertip against the soft fabric, slowly up and down, and she makes herself smaller in the seat.

Her breath quickens and tries her best at keeping it at bay, not letting too much out, not making a sound. She grabs him by the elbow and Haru stops, thinking it a signal, but she… doesn't push him away. With her free hand she swipes up the timeline, a song starts playing and his finger rubs up and down over the panties, sinking in between her folds, like he's encouraged to. There’s a loud exhale and a sharp inhale. She swipes again and he imitates.

Rui might've died on the spot if their dad didn't speak up about their arrival. She scrambles quickly, pushes the door open and gets out of the passenger cabin before he could wish her a good day. Fixes down her skirt and bounces from one foot to the other. She needs to stop it, this throbbing, this burning inside. This…

Haru steps beside her.

“What the heck...” Rui whispers, not sure who it's aimed at.

“I'll send you the video if you want” Haru takes out his phone. Nonchalant.

She laughs breathlessly and nods. Yes. Of course. The video.

"If you actually learn it, teach me, ok?"

"Sure!" She laughs again, louder this time, and takes her phone from her jacket's pocket. "Why not?"

It’s fine. Everything is ok. Could anyone who ever existed think she is not the most okay person right now?

Her phone meows, announcing a text, and she opens it.

'here. brain rot youself'

She giggles and as she walks, writes back. 

'Hey hey I just remembered! What is a 67?'

She hears Haru's laugh a couple steps back, and spins around with a happy smile on her face, hoping he sees. Nothing to see here.

Oh God.

What the fuck? What the fuck? Haru slams his door behind him and thrashes his backpack against his wall. Fuck. What the fuck.

He couldn’t look her way on the ride back home. He couldn’t breathe her way on the ride back home. The one thing in his head was Rui, but he couldn’t stand her because he felt her warmth whenever she spoke, under him, thighs encasing him, inviting somehow.

His fingers tingled the whole day and he considered getting some matches and burning them off. He probably should. He should probably burn down all of himself just for safe measure. That way he would have no chance, that way it would all probably stop. Maybe. Would it stop? Would her… Would they…

There’s a knock on his door. He doesn’t want to open. He’s not in the mood, he couldn’t possibly—

“Haru,” his sister’s muffled voice calls from the other side.

Somehow that’s comforting and soul-destroying. The fact that it's her and she's looking for him. Why? If he ignores her will she go away? He’s stationary and counts the seconds in his head until he gets to 7 and there’s a new series of knocks.

“Haru!” She calls out again, lingering on his name’s last syllable for a while. “I’ll stay here all night I promise!” She teases with a sing-songy cadence that usually pisses him off. She loves doing that, he’s told her to not, and to do it now…

He takes a deep, slow breath in. Air stops getting into his lungs but he maintains that stance for a couple seconds and then lets it all out. He wishes he could reset just like that, but sadly the static still loudly overwhelms his head. To compute is difficult, but if there’s one thing he’s sure of even with the sludge in his head, is that he does not want Rui in his room. His room is cursed. Only bad things can happen in this damned box.

1, 2, 3. He turns around and gets out the door, sliding through enough of a crack for only 1 person to pass through, and closes it quickly behind him.

“Hey—I wanted to get in.” Her shoulders fall and immediately she pouts. She’s playing, Haru notices. Is this a joke to her?

“What do you want?” he asks, cold and dry, although she already said it, because he wants an answer he can work with, not that one.

“To get in,” she urges him anyway, “Come on, can we—”

He cuts her off and rests his back against the door. His hands hidden behind him still hold the handle like it’s a lifeline. “Fuck off.” He’s never this dry to her and he watches her notice, finally, his distance.

Her eyebrows jump and twist inwards, confused or hurt, genuine or not, he doesn’t know. 

“Why are you being so mean to me?”

“Look—”

“No, you look!” She sinks her fingertip in his pec and pushes him back slightly. “You touched me, and now—”

Oh my god!

He jumps at her. “Shut up, shut up!” His voice is heavy and low even though he wants to scream. He can’t. He won't listen to her. He pushes a hand on top of her mouth and walks forward, forcing her to move with him until they hit the other side of the hallway. Her door. Her head bumps into the wood and lets out a small muffled sound. Haru doesn't care for it. “What the fuck is wrong with you?!”

He senses both corners of her mouth curve up and is forced to see her. To finally, truly, see her. His baby sister.

It's not only a stupid game for her, it's something she's trying to make happen. She's edging him on, so isn't this all her fault?

Haru doesn't know what he's doing when he relinquishes his body weight against her and his belt brushes against the tiniest bit exposed of her skin. But she immediately whines, vibrations that get sent through his palm, and travel up his hand, through his arm, torso, and down. He knows where. He lets out a gulp of air he didn't realize he was holding.

Fuck. Fuck. His head closes in the gap between them, their foreheads don't touch yet but he so badly wants to make more of them connect. Fuck!

“Haru,” her voice makes it through high pitched, unsure, but inviting. “It's fine.”

Haru looks into her dark eyes, sinks into their color, gets lost. His sister. Rui.

His left hand hovered over her hip for a while, but with that, he finally has the push he needs. Immediately, his fingers search for the skin under her blouse. She loves wearing those sheer pieces that force her to wear a crop top under. Mom always says it's wrong, and he has to pretend he's never looking, that he doesn't care. That he doesn't want to tear it all off. His fingertips touch the soft skin of her belly and slide upwards, under the fabric, under the top, and feels Rui push against him, giving in to the touch like she's saying he should get more.

He exhales softly, his chest burns and grants him agonizing pain, and he wonders if hers feels similarly. Her breathing has fastened, so it should. It spikes for both of them when Haru arrives at her bra and slides his hand over it, cups it, closes his fingers around the small mount that's barely covered by lace, no padding, and pushes against it. Why does she have one of these? What would she even use one for?

“Fuck,” he moans, his lips brush on top of his own hand. They're so close their noses brush once or twice, they can feel each other's hot breath and their heavy but repressed groans and grunts.

“Haru,” she chokes out, high pitched, needy. She raises her left leg in between his, and her thigh bumps into his crotch. He grinds against her once and his hold over her lips loses strength. She whimpers again.

There's a sound downstairs that completely throws him off. Her mom's voice resonates, complaining about something they can't quite understand, and Haru freezes. He waits for anything indicative of her knowledge of this behavior. Like it could happen. Mom always knows.

Suddenly he's pulled by the hand into the now open room in front of him. He doubles over as he goes in, forced by his sister's minimal strength. She giggles when he exhales in surprise, so amused by his very-unlike-him behavior. He's tough and stoic, sometimes giving, but never this agitated.

“So jumpy,” she mocks sing song-y again as if nothing happened. “Since when?”

Haru looks at her. Looks behind her and around her. He believes he can even look at himself from far away.

His sister's room is full of life, pink and white, baby blues and yellows. Her curtains are drawn, allowing sunlight to engulf her from the back like an angelic halo. A couple steps behind her is her bed, covered with 2 pillows and a dozen Sanrio plushies of various sizes. That's his sister. She's small, cute, colorful, and pure. He's gonna tarnish her, just like he was. He's gonna wreck her if he isn't stopped.

“Well?” Rui tries again. She's still smiley as ever, not one hair is ruffled, not a piece of clothing displaced. “Do you hate me?”

His gaze drops to her chest. Where his hand was. How could he ever hate her if he wants to be there again?

“I would never.” It hurts to speak. It's like he's been screaming for hours and now his throat is raw, so it doesn't even sound like him anymore.

“Haru…” She starts a sentence she doesn't know how to end. She lingers in the open air, her lips separated for a while, as they both wait, and wait. She sighs. “I'm making this difficult, right?”

He shakes his head slowly.

“It's my fault this is difficult,” she persists, ignoring his motion. “It’s my fault you feel bad.”

“Oh my god.”

Exasperated, Haru finally walks, no, sprints for her. One hand on the back of her neck and the other on her hip. He forces her to walk backwards until she bumps into the bed and falls on top of it, him going down along, doing his best to avoid hurting her with the chain attached to his belt or his bodyweight at all. He sinks one knee on the mattress and positions himself on top of her just so he's perfectly aligned again.

“Can you stop?” Haru is too close again. Middle finger on her nape, thumb caressing the angle of her jaw, and his hand around her hip immediately searches for skin. He just needs to feel her. If he can just touch her, he doesn't need to go any further. He will be fine.

A second pases.

“Can you kiss me?” she lets out softly.

He exhales in shock. No. No.

“Rui.”

“I want it to be you,” She tries to raise her head and close the gap but he moves away. They look into each other's eyes, desperately looking for the same emotion in a sea of mixed ones. “Please.”

No.

His thumb lines up her jaw line until it can't anymore. He looks into her eyes for any signal that he shouldn't. That he couldn't. But every noise he ever heard flooding his mind isn't enough to quell the sound of his sister begging for a kiss.

He holds her cheekbone and sinks an elbow deeper into the covers as he positions himself, and kills the distance.

At first their lips just push against each other and wait for the seconds to pass by. They both hold their breaths, they both feel tense like a string being pulled in two different directions.

Rui is like the hand with the scissors that cuts the thread without warning. She places both hands on his face, exhales and pushes further, moving her inexperienced mouth against her brother's and parting her lips hoping he'll do the same.

It's soft, and wet, and Haru does his best to snap out of this spell Rui has placed on him. She fixes her grasp down his neck, one hand has her index finger brushing against the lobe of his ear and the other slides up through his coal back hair and blue highlights. She envelops him, asking permission to take more.

He recedes for a second only to re-connect hungrier than before. His lips move slowly, deeply, taking the breath from her lungs and mixing it with his. So wrong, so completely fucked. She's slow and insecure so he takes more and more as time passes. He wants to consume her, he wants her lips to never forget his taste.

He's her first kiss. He kisses her again. Third, fourth. She lightly taps against him and he completely devours her again and again.

“Haru,” she moans. She gives up one of her hands and drops it to the mattress, immediately looking for one of her plushies, which she grabs by the paw and squeezes. “Ah!” She gasps in between kisses. It's too much. She wasn't ready for this, and now she's burning up. It's hot everywhere. She raises her knees and closes in around her brother's body, like she's never gonna let him go again.

He feels heavy. He's too heavy. He's gonna hurt Rui. He has to get out. He has to move and stop it. The hand in her face goes down to her neck and lightly presses his index and thumb around her windpipe. He'd never hurt her. He just—

“Please,” she moans again. They're both unsure as to what she means. Stop? Continue? Go further?

Haru grinds in between her legs, his chain brushing against her inner thigh. Her leg rises once more and drops to the side and he fixes his position to rub himself right against her panties, finding a rhythm he times with the kisses, her moans, and his sighs.

“Rui,” he growls. He can't keep going. He's gonna ruin her. He wants to completely destroy her.

“Ah!” Her voice comes out loud this time and there's a sharp inhale that pierces their ears.

Haru forces himself to stop, he hides his face on the angle between her neck and shoulder, and falls completely still. Rui's chest jumps up and down as she tries her best to regain control over herself. As the high and the tingling arousal in between her legs feels lied to. The sudden stop feels like a stab to her.

“I'm sorry.” Haru sounds small, terrified. His lips are right against her shoulder. He enjoys being there, he wishes he could kiss her exposed skin and get under her clothes just so he could taste more. Her lips, her neck. He wants to go down and find her bra again, but he can't trust himself that he wouldn't go further.

“Haru,” she whispers. For what it feels like the thousandth time this day, his name rolls so perfectly from her tongue. From the lips he wants to taste again until dawn comes. “Thank you.”

They stay in silence for more than 10 minutes. Rui eventually lets go of the Kuromi plush and instead envelops him with her arms. Her fingers carefully brush against his back in slow half-circled motions that he's weak to and tempt him to stay.

He somehow gathers the strength to move a couple minutes later. He has to maneuver himself out of her bed, because he's still in between her open, inviting legs and he can't… He won't.

He gets up and fixes his pants. Shakes himself awake and away. Takes a couple deep breaths, brushes his hair with his hands, anything that’ll help him look and feel normal. He can't. Not with a lucid mind. Not when Rui is still one step away from him.

“Can we—” Rui tries to speak, finally. She's quieter than ever, sweet, maybe afraid. She's trying to connect, he needs to sever that line.

“I'm going out,” he says, louder than expected. It shuts Rui up immediately. He doesn't even try looking back. “Don’t wait for me for dinner.” He walks out.

Rui stays in bed. She looks up to the ceiling and then tries rolling her eyes to keep the unexpected tears at bay, but they pool until, quietly, they roll down her face. Why does she feel wrong? She needs Haru back so her heart won't hurt anymore.

Chapter Text

Next morning comes. And the one after that. And the one after.

Haru doesn't speak to Rui much unless he's somehow forced to. Rui doesn't know if she should approach him or let him be, maybe sort through his feelings and arrive on his own at the fact he can't live without her and should kiss her again.

She waits patiently and he slips out of the house without telling anyone, so she tries to do the same. She wouldn't stay out as late as he does, but at least Megan, Wumuti, and Jiwoo don't push her away when she asks to go out after school and help her ease her mind.

They do Christmas shopping, talk about homework, boys, and where will they go, if anywhere, now that the holiday break officially began. At some point Megan gets a call she has to take and goes far enough so her friends won't hear. They keep walking.

“What's up with her lately?” Jiwoo asks as she shakes her frozen yogurt cup in the air, trying to get some of the last scraps of strawberry milkshake goodness with her spoon.

“Didn't she tell you?” Wumuti teases and bumps softly into her shoulder. “She got an older boyfriend who's always calling and calling and calling.” She leans her head to one side and the other with each repetition. “He’s too annoying.”

“Older?” Rui interjects, “like… Haru older or older older?”

“You know, like…” Muti shakes her head a bit and looks up, searching in her mind for something she can compare it to, arriving at “Office worker older.”

“What?!” Jiwoo squeals and covers her mouth with her hand, having surprised herself. “How?!”

Wumuti sighs. “Who cares, he's a dick. Plus, she'll never rise above us on the couple scale,” she teases and looks for her hand to hold.

Rui rolls her eyes as they intertwine fingers and look absolutely adorable. She might get sick from the sight alone. “Ugh. Am I the only one still alone?”

“Well!” Jiwoo chuckles. “You haven't even had a first kiss, it's like… impossible if you're gonna be so shy around boys all the time.”

Rui smiles at the mention of a kiss and nods absentmindedly. She can't help but go back to that Monday evening in her room. Haru on top of her, impetuously taking her mouth in his and touching her all over. She wonders if it counts at all, or if him being her blood relative annuls any and every moment they had. Could that be why he's behaving so weirdly? Is it because there's actually nothing serious going on?

“Can we not talk about boys anymore?” Muti's voice, annoyed and lowkey bored, takes her out of her reminiscing.

Jiwoo leans in towards Rui's side and says loud enough for it to be clear for Wumuti. “Sorry, touchy subject.”

Rui softly chuckles, but shakes her head in confusion. “Wha—”

Wumuti, instead, clocks it immediately, and with a reluctant smile on her face asks, “Is that some kind of trans joke?”

“Girls!” Megan sprints back to them, ending the wave of laughter immediately with just one sentence. “Good news! Aron is coming along!”

Wumuti rolls her eyes, Jiwoo sighs, Rui just… nods. Maybe this guy isn't so bad? She hasn't even met him!

The group walks across the whole second floor of the mall, window shopping and chatting about possible last minute buys before ‘Aron’ arrives. Rui immediately knows he's too old. He's maybe 10 inches taller than any of them—taller than Haru—, 10 years older than any of them—even Haru—, and way too over his own head. He grabs Megan and pins her to his side, his arm resting on her shoulder and hand dangling in front of her chest, not caring for her comfort nor her attempt at holding his hand so they could walk with their hands intertwined.

Wumuti gives her a look of concern and Megan deflects immediately, turning their attention to the apparel of an H&M store she begs Aron go into with her. He groans and nods, and everyone follows along.

Rui gets lost around t-shirts and tops, looking for at least one thing she can buy that would be fine for…

She looks over at Megan. She's taking dresses off hangers and asking Aron to choose between one and the other. He says something with a devious grin and Megan acts shocked and lightly slaps at his chest. He immediately grabs her by the hip and pulls her towards him for a full kiss on the mouth.

At least they're cute, Rui thinks. Somewhat. She can't help but compare him to Haru the more she sees him walk around and talk, wondering if he'd ever behave like him, if he'd be a gentleman when shopping for clothes and live up to the ideal boyfriend Megan doesn't seem to want. Haru would never tug her arm around, that's for starters.

“Hey,” Jiwoo touches her arm, making her jump in surprise. “Oh,” she giggles, “sorry. I was thinking of going to the food court with Muti and remembered you haven't eaten. Want something?”

“Oh.” Rui shakes her head no. “I’m fine, I ate at home.” She smiles. “I think I'm gonna try this on actually.” She takes a hanger and displays a knitted crop top with 3 knotted ties in the front leaving 2 big ‘keyhole’ style gaps for skin to be exposed around the cleavage area.

“Ah!” Jiwoo slowly nods. “Okay… isn't that a bit… much? Would your mom even approve?”

Rui grins and shrugs. It's not her mom who she's thinking about.

Saturday comes and her parents go out with friends. There's food in the fridge, emergency numbers on a sticky note pinned to the door, and Mom repeats for the fourth time what to do in case of a fire or forced entry. Rui softly smiles as she listens with care and repeats every step after to prove she understood, so sweetly her mom might melt, so she tightly hugs her instead.

It's not the first time they plan on staying the night away, but it is Rui's first being in charge. She walks around on her slippers and locks the entrance door and hides the keys under the kitchen aisle just in case, a bit of her mom's paranoia seeping into her mind. Just for extra caution.

She's in charge because Haru is sleeping in. He who arrived who knows how late last night after drinking —probably— ungodly amounts of liquor and smoking something fetid that had mom scrubbing the walls until 11 AM to get rid of its smell. He’s been comatose all day. Typical Haru, Rui wants to think, but she spins the butterfly pendant around her fingers and can't make herself believe it. He's a mess, but never this much of a mess, this is… wrong. She wonders if she could talk to him about it, or mom, ask for her to help him or convince him to become better. How long has he been this way? She can't say for sure.

4 PM. The house is too quiet and she's bored. So bored she might even eat something. The food her mom prepped should be easy to have, just some white rice, a bit of kimchi, pickles, maybe even some beef? Everything sounds tasty and her mom's food is delicious no matter what.

Wow, calm down, she mocks herself, you'll never fit into your leotard again if you go overboard. Mom will be so disappointed. Her dream of fulfilling your dream, gone, and what for? Some rice?

Her inner voice is mean, she thinks, but correct. She can't fight with that. To keep mom happy, she has to be diligent, stay sharp, not giving up and never showing weakness. So she does a little jump on her way to the kitchen and opens the freezer to grab a homemade fruit popsicle. That's more like it. That's enough.

She doomscrolls TikTok to pass the time. She's changed into her new beige top and a pastel pink frilly skirt that stops just over her knees. Haru hasn't showed up yet, but he has to at some point, doesn't he? He can't just die on her. She put up her hair all pretty, half tied in two space buns and half down, she made sure her makeup is clean enough but still highlights her lips and now she just needs… Haru to show up and notice.

Eventually there's footsteps down the stairs and into the kitchen. She spins in place and peeks over the sofa just to watch Haru go by. He takes a tupperware from the fridge, gives it one look and pops it into the microwave to spin for a few minutes. She waits for anything that will show he's aware of her presence, but he focuses on the fridge. He takes another tupperware and takes the cap off. There's a sweet treat their mom always makes from fruit puree, granola flakes and chocolate, shaped like a big cookie. He sighs and seems to grapple with the idea of just not eating it, but takes one anyway and bites into it. He stays silent until the microwave alerts him his food is ready. Rui watches as if it were the documentary channel.

He wears an oversized shirt with some undecipherable red logo plastered on the front and his usual dark jeans, his hair is ruffled, and he's wearing his shoes inside the house. At least he doesn't stink up the place anymore, but mom would kill him if she knew he's dirtying her floor like this.

Rui looks down her chest and suddenly feels way too exposed. Knitted top, no bra. It was her decision to put it on but still… She has to simultaneously fight with shame over her body and her very real desire for Haru to see her like that, to recognize her intent and not run away anymore. It doesn't make sense, her confidence should be higher than ever now that Haru, whom she waited for all day, is here.

A spoon clatters on the marble countertop and she focuses on him again as he drags a stool to sit on and eat silently. The sweet chocolate treat lies beside his bowl with only one bite taken out of it.

Rui swallows and gets on her feet, slipper-less this time as she walks towards him.

“Haru!” Her baby voice, intentional as ever, pierces his ears and she sits on the stool at his side. “Did you have a nice beauty sleep?”

“Sure,” he replies with a mouth full of rice, beef and steamed veggies. The phone in his hand glows with a text notification and he focuses on it.

She leans into his space to read the message, only able to recognize ‘Hyun’ as the sender before Haru locks the screen. “Hey!”

“I'm going out. Where did dad and—”

“They went out. What do you mean you're going out?” She pouts, but he doesn't look at her. “You just woke up, I thought—”

“I showered, I changed, and I'm fine,” he sighs. Looks down into his bowl and moves the rice in a circle for a moment. “You don't have to play nanny.”

“At least look at me if you're gonna be annoying.” She holds him by the chin and forces him to see, at the very least, her face. “Why do you hate me again?” Like a puppy, she leans her head to one side, hiding a very real question under her cute act.

“I don’t—” His phone slips out of his hand after his gaze ever so slightly dips down. “Rui…”

Her smile instantly grows bigger. “Do you like it? It's new!”

“Go change, for fucks sake.” Forcefully he moves back and out of her grasp. He drops the utensil into the food and escapes from the stool. “Are you fucking crazy? If mom sees—”

“Mom and dad will be back tomorrow!” she says again, emphasis on the last word. Tomorrow. They are free for the whole night, why won't he realize that? “Besides, I look cute!”

Haru shakes his head, grabs the bowl and tosses it into the fridge with the spoon still there. “I'm going out.”

He moves briskly towards the door. She follows and grabs him by the border of his shirt, just enough for her to find purchase and hug him from the back, thus completely frustrating his escape 

“Rui!”

“Please stay with me.” She nuzzles up against his shoulder and brushes her lips against the shirt. “Just tell me what I did wrong so I can fix us.”

The tension in Haru's arms as they stick tightly to his figure disperses and she feels his body slowly spin in place until they're face to face. He hugs her back with light touches. She reciprocates even tighter than before and smiles fondly into his collarbone, her aching heart slowly feeling better.

“Fuck,” Haru sighs, “it's not—You didn't—” He stops himself and moves his hands up to cup her face, and smiles. It's not the same type of smile, this is strained and barely visible, but it's a start. To Rui, it is enough.

“Don’t I look pretty?” She's soft and careful. Looks into his eyes and longs for his eventual approval, for his actual smile. “I thought I looked alright.”

“You're always pretty.” The curve on his lips disappears. “You're too pretty. You drive me mad.”

Rui softly nods. The intoxicating low rumble of his voice is too much. She can't help it. She can't stop herself. So she wraps her arms around his shoulders and spreads her fingers through his hair, as she stands on her toes to get rid of the distance. She sinks her lips into his and lets the air out through her nose in a moment of victory. She happily hums because nothing matters at the moment but them. Instantly, Haru kisses back. He parts his lips and leans his head sideways as he deepens the connection, fervorous and needy.

He never wanted something as bad as he wants her. She wishes he would prove it already.

Rui ends the connection gasping for air. Her heels go back to the ground, and there's a couple inches of space now between them. Every time it happens, it feels like they're back at square one and maybe they could still be saved from these terrifying feelings.

“You smell funny,” Rui teases. She runs her fingers through his hair, to the patch of fading blue tint on the back, and giggles when he holds her wrist and holds it in place. “Maybe brush your teeth.”

“What, don't you like savory beef in your kisses?” He smiles back, and leans into her, bumping his forehead to hers. A singular worry crosses his mind suddenly. “Did you even eat?”

“Of course,” she lies without missing a beat, accompanied by a bright curve on her lips and shiny lipgloss still holding on to her skin. “I did when you were sleeping like a log. I'm in charge, by the way, Mom said so.”

He chuckles and his eyes get slightly smaller from the wide smile. It's so cute and adorable, Rui never gets to see him smile like that anymore.

“Is that so? I guess I should be careful.”

“Mhm!” She nods.

His grasp on her hips gets tighter, and they look into each other's eyes as silence overtakes them. The funny quips run out, they're forced to go back to their current position. Haru has to recognize his wrongdoing and stop, he understands, but instead he leans in and takes over her mouth again. She lets out a breathy moan before she responds with a kiss back.

He's lost it. Haru concedes. He gives in. He grabs her by the hips, then her lower back, and goes over her butt just to grab and squeeze. She lets a high pitched moan again, as surprise gets hastily replaced by desire. It gives Haru the needed boost to not stop there, to move further down, into the back of her thighs as he bends his knees and lifts her in the air. She clings to his shoulder with one hand, to the head with the other and sloppily moves her mouth in quick wet licks over his, not too sure if she's doing fine but not bothered enough to stop and ask. She only realizes something has shifted when he drops her on the dinner table and thrusts his hips against her. Her skirt and his oversized clothes in the way. There's too much in between them.

“Haru.” His sister gasps breathlessly, fighting with her desire to go again. She tries and gets a small peck on his lower lip. He's trying to breathe as well. “I missed you a lot.”

"Sorry,” he whispers. “I didn't know what to do, it's just…” He trails off, avoiding the next words like the plague. It's not the time or the place. It might never be.

Rui softly exhales and moves her hands to his face, cupping it and drawing careful circles with her thumbs over his cheeks. His sharp edges soften under her touch, he gives in to her palm and finally raises his gaze to meet hers. His lazy eye takes a small chuckle out of her, for the first time seeing it so close and cute, and he gives a crooked smile that only pleases her more. Oh how difficult it is for him to not immediately kiss her again. He's unsure as to why she hasn't done it already. Maybe she wants to have whatever conversation was starting to take form and it's a terrifying concept. Having a moment to think over his actions would destroy him.

He slides his fingers upwards over her thighs until he hits the border of her skirt. He holds the thin fabric in between his fingertips, as it begs to be made aside so he can have more of her body. Just a little bit more. No rash movements, just… one touch.

Rui opens her legs a few more inches and moves her right hand downwards over his chest and his abdomen. His shirt is too thick and works like a protective barrier, not meant for her because she wouldn't ever need one. Her touch is careful and sincere, unlike his which holds back and is accompanied by small trembling of the fingers.

“What are we doing, Rui,” he whimpers. He pushes his hands up and extends his fingers all over the soft inner thigh up to the lace panties he didn't expect to be there. His fingertips move across the textured fabric, and he pushes with his middle and index finger over the slit. “What am I doing,” he whispers and immediately takes over her mouth again.

They find their rhythm across flavored lip gloss and spit they make a mess with. Never breaking connection. Their breathing gets heavy and the beating of their hearts becomes less that of fear and rejection, more of desire and desperation.

Haru moves his fingers up and down the panties, slowly sinking in between the lips and discovering his sister's wetness which soaks the fabric and envelops his fingers immediately. She gasps and instinctually closes her legs around his hips, confusing herself as to why, head full with frizzy thoughts of sparkles and her brother's warmth.

“Sorry,” he whispers, fingers stilled in place. “I should've asked.” He brushes his lips against hers, focusing his sight on them at first and then finding her half closed lids. Adorable. Perfect.

“‘s okay.” She barely parts her lips and plants a quick kiss on his. Once, twice. She feels him move his fingers up and she twitches and lets a quiet groan out. “‘ve nev’r…”

Haru freezes and almost kills it all right there. He jumps to the worst conclusions, the one that makes him the worst human ever, the abuser, the kind of person he promised he'd never—. But he needs to ask. “Touched… here?”

She bites her lower lip trying to suppress a smile and feels her cheeks flush red. “Kind of, but ‘m not sure if… ‘twas done okay?”

“Ah.” He lets out a tiny, for some reason relieved, gasp of air and nods. Of course his baby sister has done it, even if she's young, she knows about it all… right? “Do you want me to?”

Her smile grows and gives him a quick kiss once more while nodding. He kisses her back, one hand on her hip, the other finding its rightful place under the soaked panties, getting to actually touch her skin and slide in-between her folds.

“Haru,” she whines. Her hips twitch against the hand and he could swear she gets even wetter as his fingertips tease the now unconcealed bud.

“Fuck,” he whispers, “Rui.” Both his fingers envelop it and start moving back and forth, drawing out every move as she heats up.

“Ah,” she weakly moans against his mouth.

Face flushed red, lips agape just enough for her shaky breath to hover on his mouth. Her legs tremble as a response to the incessant friction and he smiles, letting out small puffs of air as he also feels the concentrated heat manifest deep down.

“Is this ok?” he growls.

Rui nods enthusiastically and is hit with a heavy rush across her spine as he starts drawing circles over the sensitive spot, rubbing vigorously and causing a pulsating sensation she can't help but want more of. It finally clicks. This is what she was searching for when she tried and failed, when she was too clumsy and inexperienced with her own body. Her brother knows exactly what to do and how to do it to her, as if he had done it before. He's everything she wants.

Haru kisses her again and takes her moans with his tongue, savouring her every first. He is taking a first again. She is so glad he is the one to show her the truth like no one else ever could.

It's so good. It feel so good.

She throws her head back and lets out an ugly guttural screech. That's not her voice. Who is that? Why is she not her? Why can't her limbs do as she wishes? This new sensation takes over and makes sure she gets drenched in it, that she doesn't care what happens until it's already been done. She wants it all. She wants him.

Her head pounds hard trying so bad to make sense of it all. Failing once she realizes there's no thought she could process. Haru makes sure she can't. All she feels is that burn deep within her, traveling across her womb, up her chest and throat, taking the form of moans and cries she can't stop.

Out of nowhere there's a hand gliding under her blouse and groping her chest. She's too hot and his touch feels alien and cold at first, when he fondles one of the small mounds in his palm and pinches the pinkish nipple, barely seen through the knitted piece of clothing.

Her breath finally hitches at a certain point. She closes her eyes so hard she sees colors and waves in all directions, muscles spasming and sparkling all over, and she realizes that's how it's supposed to feel. Her stupid attempts never gave her this. There's a desperate throb in between her legs, doing its best to make sense of the sudden explosion within her. Haru has stopped in place, she swears he could feel her heartbeat through his fingers. Her chest sharply goes up and down and she moans and sobs open-mouthed, trying to self regulate.

“Haru,” her shaky vocals finally come through, weak but back to a regular tone, to her 14 year old, little sister ways, “oh my god.”

He needs a couple more moments. He needs to blink, to pass down saliva and help his very dry throat get any semblance of a sound out. He needs a couple more moments to realize what's been done and can't ever be fixed. His face must have dropped a mile down, because Rui grips his shoulders tightly and looks for his mouth to repeatedly kiss again. No more glitter in sight.

“t’s okay,” she whispers as she pushes their foreheads together. “Thank you.”

What could he ever do to repay her for this world shattering error?

“Rui,” his voice comes out coarse and reluctant, “this can't—”

“’m so happy,” she rushes the words out, “you have no idea how happy I am.”

Haru gulps down his words and doesn't try further. He waits in place for her to do the first move. He doesn't trust himself to not initiate something stupid. His hand rests under her panties, middle finger pressed against her clitoris still, palm sticking to her mound due to all the slick he provoked out of her. It's all his fault. How could he?

Rui leans into him and rests her cheek on his shoulder. Snuggles closer to his neck and gives a couple soft kisses with a smile on her face. His right hand travels from her chest to her lower back and holds her close. Caresses her skin for as long as they stay right there, as a wordless nod of acknowledgment that they won't ever go back even if he really, really wanted to.

He tries to keep his nerves in check once they finally get away from each other. His fingers, sticky with her slick, are wrinkly and kind of numb at that point, and he keeps his hand at a distance like a hazardous item he needs to get rid off.

Rui fixes her clothes, gets on her feet and follows him closely to the kitchen sink. Hugs him from the back while he cleans his hands with dish soap, rinses, and wash again. He washes the sink itself with a sponge just because, his paranoia saying he needs to get rid of it all, as if the source of his fears isn't right behind him, touching him again, nuzzling his shirt.

What is he gonna do? Oh god, what is he gonna do?

Not much, turns out. Rui asks to go to her room and he can't make himself say no.

She jumps straight to the bed and moves a My Melody plushie to the corner so he can take its place. He slowly adjusts and immediately gets her arm around his waist again. She's smaller, it's easy to hug her and snuggle around her. She's smaller, she's his little sister and he has done an unforgivable thing to her.

Eventually he realizes Rui doesn't plan on letting him go. Her hold on his hip is strong, legs intertwined, face hidden on his chest. He's trapped. He lets it happen because she seems content, and she deserves this happiness however misguided it might be. ‘It’s gonna be ok’, he wants to say, but she isn't the one that needs to be reassured.

Haru wakes up thanks to the buzz in his pocket. He takes and unlocks the phone and the incoming call dies in front of his face. ‘Missed call from Hyun’ lights up. He checks the time. 1:18 AM. He was supposed to meet with Hyun at 11. They were gonna go out, drink a bit, they were probably gonna kiss and maybe even fuck. Hyun isn't the jealous type, what they have… it works. It's nice. Hyun is nice. His best friend since forever, the only one who knows everything—Not everything. Even less of everything now.

He looks down at Rui. Catches his breathing for a moment and focuses on hers. She inhales softly and doesn't make a sound when the air goes back out. She feels happy and relaxed, like there's nothing more she could ever ask for. He knows for a fact that's not true. Rui would eat the world whole if she could. She's beautiful and infinitely talented. She's gonna take the world by storm and everyone will simply have to adapt. Everyone thinks so, he knows so.

He can't get in between that. He can't be that person for her. He needs to get out.

Slowly he rolls off the bed and makes sure there's no sound coming off when he grabs his shoes and opens the door. The thought of looking back flashes through his mind. He can't. He needs to escape.

Runs to his room, gets a couple bills from the drawer and runs back down as quick paced as he can. He can't stand being there for another moment and jumps on one foot trying to get his shoes on. Drops his phone on the dinner table with the ringing volume all the way up. He's tying the laces when Hyun’s voice grates his ears.

“Well that's a shock,” he's blasé from the other side, “did you finally remember our plans?”

“Fuck you, I was busy.” He grabs the phone and holds it close to his mouth as he walks to the main door.

“Oh I can only imagine. Whose sloppy seconds do I get?”

“Fuck off, it's not like—” He tries to open it, but the handle doesn't give. He stupidly tries again and when it fails he groans loudly.

“What?”

“Rui must have the key,” he mutters to himself. The thought of going back repels him. No. Are you crazy? He spins in place and walks across the living room.

“Your sister? You're still at home?” They chuckle. “Did your mom ground you again or something?”

“What? No, that's not—” To the kitchen and to the back door. It opens without issue. He lets out a huge sigh of relief. “Shut the fuck up and get me a couple soju bottles, I'm going!”

Hyun is a comfort. When their hands hold his hips it doesn't feel wrong. It doesn't burn guilt and shame into him. Instead, he's gentle. He's free with Hyun and his strawberry liquor tasting lips. Safe.

“Fuck,” Hyun whimpers, “you're lucky I didn't go to bed.”

Haru gives an overconfident smile and kisses him once more for some odd long seconds. A wet sound pops when he moves back. “Ah, true, because I called you to meet?”

Hyun laughs and lets his head fall down on the pillow. He takes his time to admire Haru and move their hands over his thighs sitting nicely around their frame. Haru rocks his hips back and forth, brushing over the tenting in his friend's pants.

“So needy.” Haru leans down and takes a bite out of Hyun’s lower lip as he keeps rocking over him. “God, I want to fuck you.”

“Are you that desperate? It's been only a couple of days.” He teases back.

Haru nods and takes his mouth again. They push their tongue inside, a welcome visitor, an immediately reciprocated move.

Hyun is sure of the buttons he wants to push, which moves Haru expects and which need express permission. Hyun is comfort. He's not awkward or naïve. He's not tiny or needing to be guided. He's exactly what Haru wants—needs. 

He’s not… He stops his movements and rises up. He gets off the bed and takes the soju bottle waiting at the nightstand and takes a drink hoping it will make him stop but it doesn't work.

Why is he comparing Hyun to Rui? The alcohol burns his throat but doesn't make the dawning of the realization any easier. What is he doing? Why would he ever?

“Leave some for your good friend Jinhyung.” He extends the hand awaiting the bottle. Haru takes another shot before giving it. “God, you really hate me.” Shakes the bottle, only a couple slushes note how little there is left.

“Sorry, I—” Haru stumbles upon his words and shakes his head no, ending the venting session right there. “Whatever.”

Haru takes off his shirt and belt. Compared to Hyun and his almost 8 inches over him, he seems small. He's not bad at all, he wants to think, although he's not that sure because he refuses a mirror in his room and avoids looking down for as long as he can. His body the focus of disgust because of what's happened to it, what he has done and allowed to be done, and now… there's yet another mark on it. There's a weight the size of an anvil crushing his ribcage every time he remembers what he's been doing for far too long now.

And outside of all that, is Hyun. Hyun the friend, the lover. Hyun the newly discovered gender non conforming member of the community. Haru admires how free Hyun is. Only a couple years older and living alone, free to be and do how they please. Mom would never allow it, so that's a useless path to go down on.

“If you don't want to, we can just talk.” Hyun's head drops to the side. “Did anything happen, actually?”

Haru climbs up the bed without an answer. He sinks his knees on the mattress and towers over them while unzipping his pants.

“You're too considerate, I'm so lucky.” Haru takes his mouth and starts again. Kissing them, licking them, looking for that something that will make it all alright.

Hyun grabs him by the waist. He has to stop himself from recoiling and ending the connection. He's too sensitive today. He blames it on Rui. He has to get over it. Over them. Over everything.

As he goes down their neck and takes the shirt off, Hyun's frame becomes an issue. Not because it's wrong, not because he somehow doesn't want Hyun anymore, but… No. He can't admit to anything right now. Useless feelings shit Hyun is always talking about, he doesn't want it. He wants action. He has to kiss Hyun harder and if he touches them for longer, maybe it all will fizzle away. Maybe.

The clothes are discarded. The empty bottle falls to the carpeted floor. Eventually the bed starts rocking against the wall.

Inside Hyun it's hot and familiar. A constant, a reassurance that he's fine and normal and can be a good lover, a good person even with someone he loves. Someone that isn't his actual family.

“Fuck!” Hyun cries out and arches their back as Haru picks up the pace with strong, ruthless thrusts they know and have grown to love. As of late, that's the only way he'll fuck them and it's fine. He can take it. The choking and spitting are new. Hyun is sure they can take that too. “Fuck me, oh my god. Haru!”

One hand on their neck, the other on their ass, holding on tightly. There's gonna be a mark when they're done but there's bigger things to worry about. Keeping their legs in the air over Haru’s shoulders, for one. They'll have their revenge eventually.

Haru croaks out senseless noise under heavy breathing. He tries his best to erase every sample of Rui left within him and every moment that could ever trace back to her. He doesn't want to discover how she would taste on his tongue. He doesn't need to have her squeezing around his cock. He'd never do this to her, so he should stop thinking about it. Hyun's loud voice rings in his ear. Maybe focus on that. Maybe. He wonders if she would let out pretty noises while he broke her body and mind beyond recognition.

“Ah!” Hyun tenses up and whines out of pain as Haru fucks them through their orgasm, as they cum all over their abdomen. Their dick proudly throbs in the air, longing for further stimuli. Haru happily wraps his fingers around it and tugs. They shake violently in an attempt to get away. “Haru, fuck! Stop!” Overstimulated, head pounding, married to the pain Haru loves inflicting as of late.

Haru doesn't stop, in fact he goes harder, and Hyun whines and begs not to, but pushes his hips against the smaller body, desperate for more, reveling in the pain.

“My pussy,” they whine, “cum inside my—” His hips shake upwards and a scream steals the words from him. They can't anymore. They're breaking down.

“I love fucking your pretty pussy,” Haru moans, “you're so pretty, Hyunie,” and shakily exhales, “so pretty.”

The word is triggering. There's only one person that actually fits ‘pretty’ for him. Hyun is beautiful, strong, alluring. Rui is pretty. There's no other ‘pretty’ in his mind. Rui owns the word ‘pretty’.

“Please.” Actual tears compile on their waterline and shakes their head in desperation. Everything hurts. Everything burns. Haru's fingers tighten around his wind pipe. “Give me your cum, I want it, please!”

Haru finishes with a frantic set of thrusts and a low growl ripping through his throat. Hyun moans and squirms under his weight, pinned to the bed as Haru fills him up, stuck in a completely different headspace of their own making.

The feeling of release isn't as comforting as he wishes, anyway. After the initial blissful sequence, all there is left is the burden of his choice to come here. The fact Hyun is a momentary distraction he can't fully drop his worries on, because they have issues of their own and to be selfish right now is to betray their trust. He can't be this self-centered. He won't be. All of this is about Hyun.

Hyun slowly moves their legs down, resting them on the mattress finally. Their arms extend in the air and make a circular motion, expecting Haru to understand. He does and leans in, allowing them to hold their face and guide him down so they kiss again.

“Who gave you the right to be so fucking big?” Hyun teases with a smile on their face and sweat dripping down their brow. “I can't get enough of you.”

Haru smiles back and takes a long, messy kiss from them. His hands slide through their hair and for a second forgets there's not supposed to be long hair there. Hyun's dies around their shoulders and it is growing longer, slowly, but it feels wrong. He wants to run his fingers through her hair, he wants to tease her about the fading decoloration, and listen to her talk about hair ideas. My god. He's losing his mind the longer he stays away.

“I guess that's why everyone loves me so fucking much,” he mutters deadpan. “My huge fucking cock.”

“Thats why I love you at least,” they say, and wrap an arm around his frame.

It's obviously a joke. Why does a joke they have made countless times before actually hurt this time? Why can't Haru stop frowning when the words are left up in the air, waiting for a funny remark back and instead just… drift away?

Haru collapses on top of them. Hyun hugs them and caresses their back in a soft circular motion with both hands.

Haru wants to run away.

“Do you want to stay?”

Haru considers the implication. The voice comes out delicate and easy to tear down if pushed. “I don't think I have a second round in me today.”

“Hey,” the blonde whispers, “not everything is about sex.”

He wants to die.

Haru gets home around 3 PM. There's a huge stink because his clothes smell like booze and there's a couple hickeys down his neck. Mom gives a whole sermon about safety and mindfulness and ‘the right person’. He refuses to look up.

Rui looks down the whole time. She sits at the table and has in front a plate of chicken and a serving of greens she has barely nibbled up to this point. She's not being reprimanded. Mom and Haru are at the bottom of the stairs and not every word travels clearly through the house, but everyone knows what it is about. She feels stupid and betrayed and when mom screams at Haru to get back down and the voice disappears as she goes up the stairs, she considers going up too and making a scene. There's too much she wants to say and make Haru understand, so maybe he'll stop playing, maybe he'll finally take her seriously.

“Sweetie,” her dad's kind voice takes her out of that moment, “finish your food.”

She has been trying for half an hour, taking a sip of her lemon water in-between bites and waiting to feel just full enough. Dad doesn't like it, blames it all on her mom and her paranoid ways, but she doesn't mind. Mom holds her best interest at heart, she wants Rui to succeed, she's caring and loving and perfect. As such, she also wants the best for Haru. That's the reason behind all the arguing and placing of rules, and insistence on her part for him to be a better student and brother and man. Rui is sure of it.

Mom comes back 20 minutes later and Rui proudly shows off her finished plate, which she gets applauded for. Such a quick change, she's so impressive, she wants to hear them say.

“Haru won't eat?” Rui asks as the plate is taken from the table and she takes a napkin from the holder in front of her.

“He says he's tired, sweetheart. But I'll make sure dinner is really yummy today, he won't miss it!”

Rui nods and gets up from the chair, getting both hands on the pockets of her skirt and getting her phone out of one of them. She looks for their chat thread. The funny TikTok is still there, their last exchange being about that. She never did learn that dance.

‘Can we talk?’ she sends.

She waits for a couple minutes. Gets up, thanks her parents, walks up until she's in front of his door. A blue tick appears, so he's read it, so he must know, so he must say yes, correct?

There's no response. She sighs. He can't keep doing this. If he hates her she should at least know why so she can change his mind!

The handle gives when she tries it. The door opens and she gets in quickly. There's a ruffle on the bed where Haru lies and a couple sniffles.

“Sorry,” she starts by upping her cutesy voice. “I just—Please don't avoid me again. Please, I can’t—” She walks up to the bed. Maybe, she wonders, she can fix this just like before. Maybe it'll be fine.

Haru quickly wipes his face with his palm, looks around and avoids eye contact as he sits on the border of his unmade bed. Her heart breaks again. She fears the worst, hopes for anything else.

“I just want us to… be ok. Can we be ok?” She sits beside him and lets her phone down on the covers. “Look at me, maybe?”

She moves her hand close to his cheek and gently touches the skin. He slaps the hand away and quickly repositions away. He keeps to himself, legs tight shut, arms stiff and sticking to his torso. She tries to not be offended, to focus on the task at hand; getting to him, making him realize they're fine and she loves—.

“Don't touch me,” he demands. Maybe he got sick while he was out, Rui thinks, because his voice sounds rough and forced, his throat might be hurting. “Don't—I can't—”. Something gives, it sounds like a sob. He sniffles again and runs his knuckles against his nostril.

“Do you need me to do anything? I can do anything,” she tries again, ignoring the previous warning and sliding closer.

Haru gets up from the bed and wipes his face again with both his hands. He aims for the door. He's escaping again. She runs for him and hugs him from the back again and begins a sentence he interrupts. He snaps.

“Don't touch me!”

A scream.

He grabs her by the wrists without care and forces them apart in a violent outburst never seen by her before. “Don't ever—” He's fuming, but he stops himself mid sentence and forces himself to… Not. “Just—” Shakes his head and storms out. At the end of the hall there's the bathroom. Rui can only get to see the door closing behind him.

A minute passes. Another minute goes by. A couple more.

Rui fixes her hair over her shoulders, flowy and specially styled just so it'll look curly and pretty so whenever Haru saw her, he'd remember how beautiful she is and how much he likes her. How good that was, she bitterly thinks as she sits on the bed and tries her best to make herself look ready for his eventual return. Because he has to come back. He will. He just… needs a moment. She can do that. Easy.

She doesn't check her phone when the notification meows at her. Wants to be present in the moment so she puts the phone on silent mode and places it facing down on the nightstand.

She fixes her skirt and in her pocket finds a wrapped napkin with food bites she hid a moment before. She unwraps it to see, it's all chewed and mushed together, and she wraps it again and throws it to the trashcan beside her brother's bed. Proof of her deceitfulness gone, she cleans her hands however she can as she mutters to herself to forget it, to just let it go. She can't focus on that right now. She has to wait for Haru.

Minutes pass and the silence in the room kills her. The door is wide open and she hopes to see Haru back, maybe get in and immediately kiss her and make her see stars again.

But the TV noise from downstairs faintly makes its way up, with some news anchor talking about sports no one cares about but dad. The smell of mixed spices and beef being meal prepped makes its way as well. It's a reminder that she's not alone with Haru anymore and should probably, maybe, be a little wary. Maybe that's why he's so distant. Maybe he's doing it for her. He's so caring and nice, he loves her so much. Rui wishes he could show it.

Haru's room is grey and blue, no posters on the walls, no decorations on his desk, except some books piling up dust. He's 17, he's supposed to graduate soon, but he's failing class after class. Mom and dad complain and argue about him when he's not in the room to hear. They don't ask Rui to leave when the discussion starts, and when it ends dad reminds her to be better than her older brother. To actually pick up books, to care and be present. She has to always be.

Just like the smells and sounds, eventually Haru makes his way through the door. He's dripping water from his soaked hair, wet face, and clothes sticking to his skin. Did he shower? Did he drop a bucket of water on top of himself?

“What did you—”

“Please let me get changed,” a broken down whisper, a scared plea. Scared of what?

She nods and gets up. Follows him with her eyes as he moves towards the closet and opens the doors. The clothes inside are half neatly folded, half messily rammed in. She thinks about offering to help with that, and that way she could stay longer! She almost does. But he takes a shirt from the messed up pile and looks over at her, waiting. She decides to do as he asked.

Rui closes the door behind her and waits in the hall. She paces around, fixes her layered red-burgundy skirt, her plaid top with a small little bow at the neckline, her curly hair. She plays with the strips falling from her hips. She doesn't know how long it's been when the door opens again and Haru gets out and walks to her room, waiting for her to enter behind him.

“Sorry,” he sounds better, put together, back to the softness he instinctually uses when talking to her. “I needed a moment.”

“Did I—”

“Of course not,” he replies exasperated, letting out all the air he can't spare.

She takes a step closer and closes the door behind her.

“Lock it,” he asks gently, but stays in place, “it's ok.”

She does as asked and gets even closer to him.

“Your hair looks nice.” Pretty, he wants to say. Pretty as always.

“I woke up and you weren't there.”

“Sorry.”

“Do you hate me?”

They look at each other. They take a moment and wait another. Whoever budges first loses, that's always been the game. Whoever breaks also forces the other to admit whatever is going on between them. The day before, the days that lead them to it, every small touch, every discreet look. They couldn't put a name to it even if they knew of one, because that made it real, and that’s terrifying.

Haru doesn't want to give in, if he gives in he won't get a decent night's sleep again. It's already hard. Everything is hard. Except her, and he finds no strength left within him to deny the fact of his love for his sister.

So he takes the step. He cups her face and leans in and kisses her as he feels his heart in his throat.

She moans into the kiss and wraps her arms around his shoulders. It's such a nice feeling to be with her, to touch and feel her body’s warmth. She's happy, she's safe, she's help. He can't keep denying her nor the effect she has on him. He can't pretend anymore or run. And everything is his fault.

“Haru,” she whispers.

He pushes over her again. And again. Tastes her lips with his tongue and makes a wet sound as he tilts his head to deepen their connection. These are scary thoughts. Bad thoughts. He should know better than to give in.

He takes her by the thighs to get her on the bed, in between the plushies, on top of her soft pink covers, and takes her mouth again. He climbs over her and slides his fingers under her top. Her skin is hot, steam could emanate from her with just a little push, which he gives as he moves the hand down under her skirt and plain panties. He looks for that spot and finds it already wet.

“Fuck,” he moans over her mouth.

“Agh,” she whines, “I can't…”

“It's ok.”

He kisses her on the lips, the cheek, the side of her jaw and down her neck. His fingers twist in between her wet crevasse and look for that sweet spot by pressing the thumb over it and rubbing as the others tease her entrance. She shakes under his touch and closes her legs shut, trapping him in place.

“‘m sorry,” she whines. “I'm sorry, ‘m sorry.” God, she's so beautiful and nervous. He wants to make her feel so good.

“Shh.” Haru goes back up and kisses her once, twice, and makes the third one last. He inhales her sickly sweet perfume and her scent and he melts. “If you don't want to, I won't.”

“It's not—I don't—.” She talks with her eyes closed. She gets her hand under his shirt and feels his body tremble for a second before moving the shirt up. He immediately helps her take it off with his one free hand. Rui dreamily sighs and touches his hips, his ribs, and stomach.

“We can just… stay here. For a bit.”

She shakes her head. “Kiss.”

Haru smiles and obliges. “You're so pretty.”

Her hands move all over his naked back, his waist and his chest, looking for every detail and texture she doesn't already know of.

He slowly moves his fingers in between her thighs and focuses on her clit, rubbing painfully slow, just to ease her in, just to force the doubt aside.

“I got all pretty and dolly today,” she whispers in between his kisses, “do you like it?”

He hums positively in response. “You're beautiful.”

She giggles. “Am I?”

He rubs harder. She squeals and shakes uncontrollably. 

“Do you like that?”

“Yes,” she says in a broken up moan, “please…”

He kisses her again and moves his fingers up, so the middle one can focus on her bud and the thumb rests over her belly. She's a whining mess and the hold she tries to keep over his shoulders gives, her legs shake too much and eventually fall open again. She's completely disposed. She's for him to do as he wishes. All she can do in response is writhe, basking in pleasure she never before thought possible.

She comes with a breathless, inaudible gasp. Her throat closes, her nose can't function for a second. She knows she has to stay quiet, they're not alone in the house, she can't let herself go like she wishes she could. The wet sounds of his fingers moving still continue and he finds even more slick dripping out of her. Oh god.

And then.

“Rui,” he tries, but is ignored.

“Oh my god,” she exhales, in shock. “It's so…” He takes a shaky breath in. Her hand inside his pants covers it all and it's obvious now. He's hard. “How can you live with that?”

“Hey,” he groans, “it's not my fault, it just… happens.”

She bites her lower lip and moves her hand slowly up and down. Haru whines and lets his head hang down.

“Maybe I could—”

“Rui.” He shakes his head no.

“Please, I know how it goes,” she whispers back.

He refuses still and grabs her by the wrist, stopping her finally. “Just… Not today.”

“When?”

He sighs. Gets lost in her eyes, her desperation for approval and her pouting lips, which he kisses again. Her mouth, her cheek, jaw, under her ear and down her neck. He takes her shoulder as his final resting place.

Her hand still in his pants, his fingers still under her panties.

“Just not today.”

Chapter Text

Monday the 22nd, all Christmas-y hell breaks loose. Their family is not exactly big, but dad has a couple sisters who are married and his parents, while her mom has her dad and brother. They're all gonna meet at their house because mom insisted and no one can say no to her.

So Haru and his dad move chairs from the storage room and make as much space as they can. They deep clean whatever needs to be cleaned and not touched until the fateful night. Just like with anything else, it needs mom's approval because after all, the holidays are as much about family as they are about her and the chance to show off.

Rui is expected to help with cooking and baking. She has to relinquish her pretty nails with gemstones because it's impossible to use whisks and knives with them on.

Everything is a safety hazard, everything needs to be double checked. She's a daughter, so she needs to learn these things and be ready for the future, mom says, because this will be her life at some point.

Haru overhears and has to pretend he isn't bothered by the notion of Rui marrying and having kids. Going away. Leaving him. Finding a man.

Dad says “She's gonna be a star, she will have people cooking for her!”

Mom laughs and agrees. Of course, how could she forget? If anyone is set to make it, it's Rui. Her little princess, her joy and pride. Of course.

Rui's mind lingers on the thought of kids and marriage and a mystery man. A man who'll provide for her, care for her and give her an ideal life. A man that is not Haru… because Haru is her brother.

Her brother. He who knocks on her door before dinner time and sneaks into the shadows with her to joke about it having been a hard day at work. He who seems way more relaxed than the last couple of days.

She shows him her fingers, bruised because of using kitchen utensils. She pouts. “And I had just gotten such pretty nails,” she whispers pitifully, too bothered by this silly loss.

He exhales, so endeared to her and her sadness. He wants her to never feel anything less than content. So he takes her hand in his and kisses the blackened spots softly before going for her lips, hoping he can cheer her up. Rui happily hums as she kisses him back. Whatever the issue was, it's already forgotten.

They quickly make it into the bed and Haru towers over her. His legs trap her under, with his hands he grabs at her face and neck so she won't slip, his lips devouring every last hint of air from her lungs. He's desperate to have her, finally, after a whole day of work around the house. All he ever wants to do is stay with her in this pillow-y, plushy filled heaven.

“Haru,” she lets out a growly whine, “touch me,” a high pitched plea.

He lets out a sigh. “I am,” he teases with a knowing smile.

Rui groans and shakes her head. Their mouths take over each other a couple more times before she speaks again. “Not like that…”

“Hm.”

Haru grabs her by the hips and drags her against him, encouraging her to raise her legs and wrap them around his waist. He caresses the skin of the back of her thighs as his mouth meets her again and pushes his tongue in.

Her skin feels like silk under his fingertips, making it too easy for his fingers to slip under the panties and squeeze her ass. Her hips tremble and she can hardly contain a moan within her mouth.

“Haru.”

He moves downwards. Kisses her jaw, licks his way down to her collarbones, wants to bite and suck and leave the skin tender and weak. He wonders how wet he could get Rui just from that. If it'd be enough for him to slip it in, if she'd take him easily or need time. He has to remind himself he can't leave a mark there, though. Nowhere. He can't let these thoughts take over, but it's so difficult to do when she's so ready and willing and close.

“Haru,” she thinly moans once more.

She's wearing a buttoned up knitted blouse, it's fitted to her shape, accentuates her waist and she's a tease, so the first two buttons are undone. Haru didn't notice before, but he chuckles when the thought materializes finally.

He doesn't waste time, finishes her work with the buttons and moves the layers to the side, exposing her bra. She doesn’t wear padding around the house and the fabric is so thin he might as well be touching her naked skin. It's so useless to resist. He considers not doing it but he's already dragging the piece up when that voice tells him not to. The action doesn't hit him really, he doesn't dwell on the fact he's undressing his sister and instead sinks his face in between her, admittedly, small breasts. There's just enough for his hand to cup and squeeze one comfortably and kiss the other. He inhales the smell of her delicately scented body lotion before licking the tasteless surface, and sucks on the soft skin up to the nipple and draws circles around it.

He hasn't paid attention to her spiking breathing or the fact her hand has made its way to his pants. She's good with the button, losing no time with the only thing that could work as a barrier. He's not stopping her, so she gets her fingers in there and works them over his bulge. He's burning from the inside out. He grinds against the hand and lets a pathetic whimper out with his lips sucking softly over her breast.

He's despicable. He can't be helped.

His lips close over the nipple, his tongue licks from the mound to her hardened tip and sucks on it vigorously. She tenses her hand over his boxers and arches her back, letting out too loud of a moan. His tongue circles over his treat before he sucks on it again and with his other hand pinches the lonely nipple and pulls on it. Not enough to hurt. Never enough to hurt. He'd never hurt her.

Her fingertips make their way inside his boxers. She touches the hardened shaft directly and teases the head with insisting rubs. He shakes over her hand and takes his mouth off her body. He abruptly gets taken from the comfortable, soft place and doesn't realize he's moaning at first. He needs a moment to recognize his own voice once more. Rui takes it as approval, so she closes her fingers over what she gets to cover and discovers her fingers can't hold all of him all the way.

“Rui,” he pleads, shaking his head no. She can't be touching him. He's horrified at the thoughts he gets when she moves her hand up and down his hard-on. 

“You're big,” she whispers. “Please, Haru…”

He wants to tear her panties out, to get inside her and have her screaming on his cock. He wants to break her so bad. She's so small and ignorant to what she's asking for. He's gonna tear her apart.

“Stop,” he whimpers, and his breath leaves him like he's running a marathon. He can't actually stop it, he never can. His begging has always been hopeless.

“'m so wet.”

He shakes his head and goes for her mouth again— this time he's rough, he's rushed, and stupid. The wet sounds of their lips get mixed in with the air leaving their lungs and kills their attempt at silence. Their only hope is the TV downstairs and the boiling water being loud enough as mom cooks a delicious dinner, a reward for all the work they did today as a united family.

Haru finally makes the decision to give up and go looking for the place in between her legs. His middle finger dives into the wetness on her folds which are flooding as proof of her arousal. She's too ready for him and she wants something more but he just won't give it. He keeps his fingers over her clit and rubs up and down, and the sound of it joins the cacophony already put in place.

He grinds faster on her hand, she trembles on his fingers, and time goes by. They get lost in each other's warmth and comfort. They can't handle it anymore.

“Haru.” Her favorite word. It rolls out so prettily from her lips, breathless, tiny. She kisses him again after that, but needs to say so much more. “Haru, 'm gonna—Can’t—Ah!” She arches her back again, sinks her head on the pillow and feels Haru nibbling instantly on her neck. She's immobile and a strangled hitched moan indicates the explosion going on in her belly. Her legs shake around him and his fingers need to chase after her as her hips shakes up and down, side to side. “Ah!” She's too loud, but it's fine.

He intently gets back to rubbing and some tears fall to the sides of her face, the overstimulating fire overwhelming her. She whines and moans ecstatic, only fuzz in her head.

“Oh my god,” Haru cries out. His lower lip quivers and his breath burns into her neck. “Fuck.” His movement dumbs down and he attempts recoiling. “Fuck, fuck! Stop, fuck!” 

It's too late at that point. Rui gets his hot release on her fingers, palm and wrist. She moves her fingers just to feel it out and discovers how sticky it is.

“Fuck, I'm sorry, fuck.” He's apologetic and inexplicably mortified.

He doesn't know why he's catastrophizing when she has the widest, biggest grin on her face.

She's half naked and still trying to get over her own orgasm. Her happiness could fix any issue in the whole world.

“Thank you,” she says with the sweetest taste accompanying each word. Haru would know, his tongue has been all over her mouth.

He kisses her one more time and with his clean hand brushes the blonde hairs away from her face. Kissing feels too good. Maybe kissing her will help him forgive himself for not stopping before letting go.

The guilt kicks him on the stomach and turns into a heavy weight trapped under his ribs. Nothing will get the thought of disgust out of his head.

“I… have some wet wipes on the drawer.”

He understands and moves back. His hand waits in the air. He ponders on the stickiness jumping from one finger to the other, staying in place until she gets him a wipe to get rid of the evidence.

She smiles, so kind and loving. He's sure she doesn't understand what just happened, why it's wrong, why it's never gonna be ok again. He should be shot dead for what he's doing.

Dinner comes and goes without issue. Rui says she feels so hungry, she could eat her whole plate and ask for seconds. Of course, her portions are always smaller, but even then. Seconds. She looks at Haru while she says so.

Everyone goes to sleep eventually and the night goes by slowly. Haru rolls on his bed for a couple hours and locks the door out of impulse just to make sure no one will break in. But why would they break in? He's the one who has to be kept away. He's the one who's ruining everyone.

He’s able to sleep just a couple of hours and then wakes up, startled by some kind of noise he's sure comes from the hall. He gets up, opens the door, expecting something, and doesn't understand how no one can be there, but it is deadly silent and after a couple minutes of nothing happening, he closes it again.

It happens again when the sun is barely rising on the horizon. There's no one out there and he doesn't want to think about it. He closes the door and gets back to bed.

The third time it happens he gives up and gets ready for the day. He won't think about it again and it'll go away, that's just how it works.

Rui and mom get back to cooking and prepping and following recipes written with a grandmother's handwriting. Dad has to work and Haru is left alone to vacuum, put decorations around the walls, the lights, get the special once a year china out of boxes and carefully clean every piece. That's too much time spent alone, just thinking and listening to his mother give instructions that Rui has to follow perfectly.

Around 6 PM there's nothing left for him to do and he slips away before anyone could notice. Hyun texts him an address and on his way there he buys a six pack using the fake ID Hyun and Bin got him a while back, when Bin wasn't so worried about his boyfriend that he stopped hanging out.

The distraction is welcome although the only “Christmas theme” this party has is a couple red socks hanging from the door. He doesn't know who's the host, but Hyun, Bin, Jennie and Minnie are there. Good enough.

Getting drunk on a beer is laughable, but Minnie achieves it anyway. She's always been a lightweight and can't handle hard stuff, but she looks for Haru anyway and takes him to the side.

First thing he does is pin her to the wall and ravish her mouth with strength he forgot he could muster. One look at her and you could understand why, though.

She wears nothing but a leather red bra and mini skirt. Her coal toned hair is straightened and falls perfectly over her tits, helping them stand out when the red peaks over the black. She’s basically begging for someone to take and hurt her. Haru hasn't seen her since she moved states for college, but she falls for the same tricks he used to pull, or he does for hers.

“Since when are you so soft?” She says as she pulls his zipper down.

Haru lets a breathy laugh out and grabs a handful of her hair, forcing her to look him directly in the eyes. She moans instantly.

“Who the fuck is soft?”

She pulls his boxers down just enough for his hard on to jump out and her hand envelops it almost fully.

“Point made.”

He shifts her panties to the side to rub over her hole a couple times before sinking in. His hands hold her by the thighs, high in the air, and push her down on his cock in one straight move. Lucky enough she's somewhat wet, lucky enough she grows wetter as she adjusts to his size.

She rolls her eyes back and hits her head against the wall, moans and whines as loud as she can, and makes a show out of it. The music coming from the other room is almost as loud as Minnie is.

Her tits wait for him right in front of his face, nipples perked up, begging to be toyed with. The leather flaps in the air, but he doesn't bother. He bites and sucks on the skin of her collarbone instead and gets rewarded with pained noises and confirmation that he's making it right.

“You're so fucking big,” she moans to the air. “Fuck me, oh my god!”

“Are you gonna cum already?” He manhandles her head and makes her look at him again from her half closed lids. He tightens his hold, makes her scalp sting and has her crying out in delicious pain.

She gets her hand on her clit and rubs desperately. That might be answer enough, but Haru truly wants to hear it out of her. He pulls on her hair again.

“Yes!” Screams. Moves her hips against him. Her fingers go faster and harder.

She throbs around him and squeezes him tight, giving up completely. She shakes and brings her slick covered fingers to his mouth, which he envelops and licks and sucks on with vigor. The flavor on his tongue has him wondering if Rui would be the same.

He needs a couple more thrusts, but quickly becomes unstable and his moves are way too hurtful, but she for sure loves that.

“Cum for me, baby,” she whines. “My poor little puppy…”

His release fills the condom with a final thrust deep into her, kissing her cervix, giving her a final painful reminder of what she's missed. She moans alongside him just for theatrics, almost demeaning, and smears her fingers across his cheek with his own saliva as he deals with shockwaves going down his legs.

When it's all over, there's only heavy breathing as they recover.

“Puppy feels better?” She fondles his face and makes him look up at her. He whimpers and wordlessly nods. “Puppy is still so good for me,” she praises and his hold on her hair gives.

They kiss, but it doesn't feel as good anymore. At first he thought he'd be normal again once he slept with literally anyone. He thrusts a couple times just to revel in the residual arousal that says one more round will fix him. He's softening as he does. He's fucked.

He gets back home around 3 AM. Hyun walks with him to the door and they make out for a while under the threshold, vodka and rum still on their tongues, mixing when they touch and suck on the other.

He considers taking on his offer of running away from the long weekend and hiding with them. Just the two of them.

“C'mon, we did it last year,” Hyun insists. Their hands are playing with the waistline of his pants, teasing for something else.

“And my dad was fucking pissed,” he whispers back. His arms extend with difficulty over their shoulders, the height difference making their every moment a fun challenge again.

Hyun sighs and kisses him again, pouting in defeat and horny curiosity. “I want to fuck you so bad.”

“You could.”

“Right here?” They laugh softly and grab him by the legs, getting him up and pining him to the wall right along the door. “With everyone to see?”

“Fuck,” he involuntarily moans. The idea is too good. “Yes.”

Haru's tongue meets Hyun's and asks for a little bit more. Hyun has to end the connection before they regret that.

“It's ok, I heard you had enough fun already anyway.”

“Wha—Minnie told—”

“Whoa, Minnie?” Hyun laughs in disbelief. “Joshua told me you let him—You fucking slut!” They can't help but smile.

Haru makes an awful noise trying to repress a cackle and lets his head down on Hyun's shoulder.

“Give me a number, right now. Was it only two?”

Haru shakes his head. He feels himself being let on the floor again and he has to look up.

“Hey—”

“I don't mind,” they say, with his typical softness and understanding lingering on each word.

“Sorry,” he apologizes anyway.

“It’s ok.” They caress his sharp cheekbones with the back of their hand. They nod again. “Is there a reason why?”

Haru’s throat is suddenly dry and needs to swallow down, his smile disappears, his eyes jump from one side to the other.

Hyun notices and shakes his head no immediately.

“You don't have to tell me. I just… For a while now, you've been…” They don't want to say ‘worse’, but a replacement word never makes it, even when they both wait and wait for a different, kinder descriptor. So they let the sentence trail off, get lost and forgotten. “If you need to escape tomorrow, just call me. We'll get you out.”

They kiss once more, just once, to say goodbye.

Closing the door behind him is harder than having sex with 4 people in the span of one party. He asks himself why none of those people were Hyun but can't find a valid reason as he rummages around his brain. He doesn't take a moment to question his thought process if there even was one. All he remembers is desperation and fucking into girls wishing they were Rui. One, two, three. But none of them were her, really, and none of them made his longing disappear. So what good was that for?

Moving is hard. Going up the stairs is hard. Standing up in the hall and choosing to enter Rui's room is worse.

He slides to her side and hugs her over the covers. He reeks of everything imaginable and her bed will need a change of sheets immediately. The smell won't leave. He won't either. But he feels her move to the side and hug him back, and he drifts off happily. It could always be worse.

Guests start arriving around 5 PM and Haru has to put on a smile, pretend his shirt is ironed and his tie isn't a mess until his mom takes him aside to the bathroom and helps him understand how to make a simple knot. She's kind, her words are soft and her presence is comforting. He's left thinking about it and wondering if that's where Rui got it from. That should be obvious, she's their mom, if she behaves a certain way, shouldn't her children do as well?

He sits at the table and watches them move plates, bowls, serve the food and be at the request of everyone. He's the son, he's expected to sit pretty and laugh with his uncles, dad and grandfather while his mom, sister and aunts do the work.

He focuses on Rui. She kindly smiles at everyone and moves gracefully around the house, her puffy red dress jumping with every step she takes, its deep v-neckline concealed with a white undershirt because mom said it was too much and too many older men would be around. They looked at each other then and Rui smiled right at him before agreeing—of course she, as a girl, should be covered up. It's simple logic.

His cousins don't care much for conversation and pull out their phones until the table is ready and it's time to eat. He can't seem to make himself do anything of the sort.

There's too many voices to focus on a simple conversation and his tie feels too tight at some point. It all becomes white noise he just nods and hums in response to.

At least he helps clean up the plates and box the leftovers like they're playing tetris on their fridge. Mom laughs at that joke and rubs his shoulder as she compliments his humor. Finally, a joke she understands. They smile. Everything is fine.

They go to bed. He goes to bed. And waits.

Christmas morning.

Leftovers for dinner.

He falls asleep but doesn't wake up rested.

Friday morning.

On TV there's some Christmas cartoons he likes.

Texts from Hyun, Jennie and Minnie pile up on his phone.

He doesn't answer when they call.

Mom gets him a platter of fruit.

He eats absentmindedly.

Saturday, their parents get ready to go out to their aunt's. They ask if they want to go too, but Rui excuses herself saying she needs to practice, which isn't exactly a lie but hides her true intent. They don't wait for him to answer because it is obvious. Dad makes a joke asking if he's drugged up, he doesn't reply.

Rui puts her beige leotard, white tights, and pointe shoes on and asks for Haru's help to move the table and make space. She lays a mat on the freed-up space and warms up as she plays her music on the tv. He sits on the couch and watches.

She's not pursuing professional ballet anymore. Her time has passed. She's 15, she's old news, she started too late and although her mom tried, no one would take her in. It's still fine, her mom says, because she has theatre and music. Something has to stick. She has so many chances. She's full of expectations she has to meet, friends to make happy, a mom and a dad who she owes everything to… and of course, an annoying, insufferable but loving, older brother who's watching her without making a fuss.

So she stretches and practices for fun, just to not lag behind, just so whenever they get back from holiday break, she'll be at the top again, as she should always be.

She wonders what he thinks of it all. He used to go to her shows until he turned 15 and everything became about parties and his friend Hyun. Always going out, always ignoring her no matter how hard she tried to break his barriers. Everyone used to focus solely on his issues, her parents were always involved in some sort of fight because Haru threw his drink over some kids or started a brawl he couldn't win. He never again saw her dance. He wasn't ever there. No one was there. She wasn't the most important one, and now that she is, it's all about what she can give in return.

What can she give in return, anyway? A skinny frame? An attractive fashion sense? Her everlasting desire to appease?

There's so many expectations, they fill her tummy until she feels heavy and she uses it to say she doesn't need lunch. There's a bitter aftertaste she tries to pass down with water.

However long it has been, none of them know. The songs keep jumping from one to the other, all of her favorite bubblegum pop, bedroom pop, all pop. Music that Haru would normally trash and complain about, but now listens to with a smile.

She turns to him and climbs on top, grips his shoulders and sits on his legs. He slowly responds, holding her waist and lower back, sliding his fingers over the cloth.

“We're alone,” she says as she giggles. “We could do anything.”

“We could,” he whispers. “Will we?”

“I mean…” She sighs. Grabs him by the face and places a kiss on his lips he immediately returns. It feels sweet and soft. She can't help but want more.

“If you want to.”

He's so nonchalant, she groans displeased in response, but kisses him again and their lips start moving together, slowly, but with purpose. No one wants to be the first to break the connection. She, especially, needs more.

She grabs her hair tie and drags it down, letting her hair fall on her shoulders and along his face. His hands go up to the sides of her head and run down the hair, grab a handful and softly let it go, as if he thought it over and decided to just not.

She unbuttons his pants and feels him squirm. She has to balance herself with a hand on the back of the couch to stay in place, beating him in his attempt to get out.

“This is not—”

She drags down the clothes and his hardening length jumps out, tall and reddening. She grabs at it with her fingers, teasing the tip just like she did before.

“Why is it already hard?” She tilts her head and shoots him a knowing smile, but waits for an answer anyway. When all she receives is silence, she sighs as a show of condescension. “Could it be you're a pervert?”

“Hey,” he warns, looking at her like he's being defamed. But she laughs in his face.

“I was barely stretching,” she sweetly recalls. “Am I just too hot?”

He laughs in response. He grabs at her butt and she leans in to kiss him. Her fingers trail down and find the small amount of hair at the base, recently trimmed, probably because of some other girl, or boy, or whoever Haru was into these days. Her heart sinks remembering the days he comes back home with marks on his neck. She's so depressed it's not her who left those on his skin.

Her hand doesn't get to envelop it fully, but she starts rocking back and forth anyway. Haru grabs her wrist and stops her in place.

“Wait.”

“Want to make you feel good,” she whispers and drops her forehead on top of his and pushes against it. “Let me, please, please.”

He exhales, closes his eyes and nods, gulping down. He lets go and grabs her hip instead.

Rui releases her grasp and he opens his eyes just in time to see her get her palm up to her mouth and give a long couple licks and quickly fondle his erection with renewed force of will.

He exhales and his lips shake trying to form a mix of words he never can vociferate. Instead, he leans his head forward onto her chest and shuts his gaze again. All he knows is that his sister's soft fingers grab with fervor and move up and down. Again and again. And he just has to let her do it because she so sweetly asked. How to say no?

“Rui,” he moans heavily.

“Haru,” she whispers in kind.

He kisses the skin exposed by the piece she wears, just around her collarbones and cleavage. Her hand rapidly moves but it isn't reckless nor stumbles upon her touches, she's methodical, letting her wrist guide and her fingers move in kind like wave after wave.

“Touch me more,” she sighs.

He drags one of the short sleeves of her leotard down and she moves her arm to help get it off. She lets go of him for a couple seconds so the same can be done with the other sleeve. He takes a deep breath, hoping to calm himself down and she uses the time to drag down the cloth, leaving her top half naked for his delight.

He can't stop himself. He has to lean in and take one of her breasts in his mouth, suck on the skin, lick around the nipple. She whines and gives in to the simulation for a moment before she remembers she's on a mission.

She covers his tip with her palm and smears whatever fluid he's leaking, helping her movements flow smoothly. She circles her hand around it, teases the tip with her palm and takes note of every small twitch of his legs and each time he has to stop himself from sucking on her nipples to moan and cry out.

The living room is filled with their voices, whining, moaning, squeaking in desperation and pleasure. Haru is melting on Rui's hands, and he tries so hard to focus on her, on her nipples, leaving one wet and rigid to go at the other and do the same.

Her heavy breathing carries her smile with it, and Haru has everything he could want when he notices.

“Rui, I can’t—” He whines and moves his hips recklessly, trying to get away, then thrusting against her hand, desperate for release but trying his best not to. He can't. They're never gonna get rid of this if he does it. If he causes this amount of harm. “Please don't,” he says out of breath. “Oh god!”

His release is erratic, she holds on to his length and her digits get covered and she can't help but grin. His t-shirt bears most of the load, but once it all ends, she's still moving her hand, slowly trying to get all he can offer.

“Fuck,” he chokes out and throws his head back, letting it rest over the head of the couch. “Rui…”

She bites her lower lip, looking at him with new eyes as an idea flashes through her mind.

“Rui!” He exclaims, but is unable to stop her as she takes her fingers to her mouth and licks them clean.

“Hm!” She can't help but smile as she does and holds his gaze. Licks her fingers, the palm of her hands, and swallows. Tangy, but weirdly it's sweet enough. “Someone is eating a lot of fruit.” She leans in.

“What the fuck did you do that for,” he says breathless, still trying to get out of the shock. “How do you know that?”

Rui smiles victorious. “I might have done some research,” she says with her sweet tiny voice again.

Haru scoffs, letting his mouth hang open for a couple more seconds than needed. “Of course you did.”

She pouts and he pouts back to mock her, but grabs her by the back of the neck and gets her close to take her mouth in his. They kiss, newfound freedom guiding their every move, every touch. Haru glides his hand around her hip, up her abdomen, across her chest, just touching all over, eager to have it all to himself. Not let one place be clean of his touch.

“Mom and dad are coming back tomorrow,” she whispers in between kisses. “Maybe we could do something else.”

He giggles and nods. He's unsure as to what she exactly means, but they'll find out together. No need to rush things. They have all day, all night. Just for them. He kisses her again and she purrs.

They wake up together the next morning. Half clothed, hands all over each other, and happy. Just happy. If they start thinking about anything else, that happiness disappears. Haru tries very hard not to focus on anything else.

“Happy birthday,” he whispers, nuzzling in her hair.

“Do I get a gift?” She moves against him, pinning her back to his chest and his crotch to her butt. “Maybe something big.”

“Oh my god,” he wheezes and moves back, pretending he isn't bothered at all. How could he? That's just… ridiculous.

“Oh,” she whines. “Not fair.”

“Stop it,” he shakes his head and lets go of her body before standing up. “I’ll go shower before they get back.”

“Hmpf.”

Haru sighs, rolls his eyes and leans down on top of her to kiss her one last time. “Stop being a baby.”

“Stop treating me like one,” she instantly retorts.

They look at each other, her eyes glisten, helped by the natural sunlight sneaking through the curtains, and they beg for more of him. More than touches, more than simple kisses.

She wants him so bad and he couldn't ever reciprocate the same way.

He pecks on her mouth once, twice, the third time she grabs him by the hair and makes him stay. He lies on top of her again, giving in, just because she asked. Just to delay his departure a little longer. Just so, if she can't fully have him, she can make it last.

Their parents are back home a couple hours later. Mom needs help with a big paper bag that heaven knows why it didn't rip open, and dad stores a big boxed cake in the fridge.

“A cake?” Haru asks as he helps mom unpack different jars of what seem to be natural juice and marmalade. “Mom, you bought a cake?”

She laughs and strokes his forearm carefully, nodding her head. “I found this wonderful baker that makes healthy options and, you know, your sister's diet is important.”

He nods and looks her up and down, a thought passes by and he can't catch it. It vanishes as quickly as he had it, so he decides it must not be important.

“Mom!” Rui walks up towards her and hugs her from the back, and rests her chin on the woman’s shoulder. “Mommy dearest, I invited some of my friends! I forgot to ask, but… is it ok?”

The woman smiles and looks down towards her. “Of course, sweetheart!” She leans into her and gives her a pat on the head with her freshly manicured hands. “The cake is for 10 people and it looks really yummy!”

Haru looks at Rui.

She strains a smile and says, “Lucky us!”

They bring some chairs in, put a white tablecloth on, and place some bowls of fruit, nuts, and homemade potato and beetroot chips with barely any salt for everyone to try.

Muti and Megan seem to like them well enough. They arrived home earlier than expected, but they're eager to help with the decorations and Rui gets a lovely centerpiece for the table with some empty jars, white flowers and gold lacing.

This is not a birthday party, her dad reminds them, so they don't have to go overboard. But mom loves when everything is pretty, so Rui loves it too. After all, it's still her day!

Her phone meows while she sits on the living room couch with Muti and Megan brings a bowl of chips back.

“These are pretty good!” Wumuti says as she takes one. “Your mom makes them?”

“Uh, yeah!” Rui unlocks the screen and reads the notification. A message from Haru.

‘hey can u comehere’

She smiles to herself.

‘Where is here?’

‘your room. just a bit'

She looks up and looks over as they each take a bite.

“Why isn't Jiwoo here still?” She looks at Wumuti.

“Shit,” Muti springs up, taking her phone out of her jacket. “What time is it? I told her to call me—”

“Oh my god, your girlfriend is the worst,” Megan teases and walks closer to her. “Call her, I'll convince her to come here.”

Rui looks over at them, then down to her phone. His words, ‘your room’, ring in her head. She's nervous. Why is she so nervous? Her parents' voices make waves from the kitchen, Jiwoo’s voice suddenly blasts from Wumuti’s phone and the two of them laugh at something.

“Be right back,” she says as she finally stands up and heads to the stairs before her friends can acknowledge her words.

It's fine. Everyone is bothered by something else, she can give herself just a moment. Whatever Haru is planning can't take long. He would never ruin her day.

Her door is open when she makes it there and Haru is waiting in the hall.

“You're lucky Jiwoo hasn't—”

“Hey, hey.” Haru grabs her by the waist and pins her to the wall. “It's fine, this is gonna be quick.”

She grins. “You're sure?”

After one kiss on the lips, Haru guides her in and closes the door behind them. The curtains stop the evening light from getting inside, but her pink lamp, in the shape of a flower looking down, gives enough of a shade for them to find the bed and see each other somewhat.

“What is this supposed to be?” Rui whispers as she's being put to lie on the bed, her head resting on her soft pillow, surrounded by plushies, she noticed, that have been rearranged against the wall so they won't disturb them this time.

“It's your birthday,” he whispers back. He balances himself with one arm positioned close to the pillow and his legs in between hers. “And you asked for a gift.”

She happily hums and nods. She cups his face and they kiss one time, then two times. He smears her lip-gloss down to her chin and subtly sucks on the skin, never enough for it to leave a mark, just enough for it to tingle and get a little sound of joy out of her.

His hand shakes over her shirt, slowly untucking it from under the skirt and taking it over her head. She immediately understands and raises her hands so they can get rid of it. Her heart races immediately.

She has been half naked with him before, he has touched her before, but he carries himself in a way that screams that this is different. This is more. This is what she wanted.

He unzips her red linen skirt and slips it down her legs so she can kick the piece to the floor immediately, rushing it so whatever he has planned, happens now. She sighs when he touches her thigh and moves up, the pads of his fingers caressing the sink until they reach the border of her plain cotton panties.

He thinks about stopping then, because this is madness. This is way too much. Even if his nerves weren't killing him and his hand wasn’t trembling over the elastic band, he'd think this is crazy. He is crazy.

So his focus shifts to the kisses on her neck and collarbone while teasing the cotton piece, pushing it just a bit down so he can touch the newly naked area and slide over her hip, her stomach, and ribcage. Touching all over, never getting enough of her softness. Like this is so much better than having her be naked already. He needs to take a moment and convince himself that she wants this, she asked for this, so it must be ok to do.

“You’re beautiful,” he coos over her skin, and licks down in between her breasts and over one of them, to kiss and tease her nipple. His hand goes down her back and with her help, the bra is undone and taken off. “Fuck, Rui.”

Her hands fall beside her and she smiles at him. There's only one thing left to take off, and the throbbing in between her legs is painfully obvious once he finally grabs at the band and moves them down and out of the way.

He leaves a trail of kisses down her stomach, down her belly and her mound. Her breath catches at her throat with a disgruntled sound she might've never done before while she anticipates whatever next move he plans.

Her heart could simply stop when his tongue teases around her lips and with his fingers he parts them just enough to ease licking over the area.

“Haru,” she moans, letting all the air on her lungs out with one singular move. She has to take a deep, sharp and painful breath in immediately.

He grabs her hip with one hand and caresses the skin of her waist as he moves his tongue over her most sensitive point. She arches her back and slaps a hand on the covers because she feels everything at the same time and needs some kind of purchase. It's hot, it's strange, she gets a rush of shame over having his mouth down there and at the same time it's blissful.

He licks, sucks, and closes his lips around her clitoris as he pushes with his tongue over the sensitive pinkish folds.

“I can't,” she cries out and grabs at his hair, stroking it and pulling on it. She can't find what to do, how to react, how to rid herself of this sensation that keeps building and building and is familiar but brand new as well, “Haru,” she whines, “Haru, oh my god.”

Her head rushes through questions, the most prominent one being what is she supposed to do now that she knows of this kind of pleasure. Now that it's so obvious Haru wants her just as much as she wants him. That he always wanted her. That this was destined to happen.

Her legs involuntarily close around his head, trapping her hand as well, but she doesn't care for it, because she finally feels her heart explode and her limbs shake. Her back arches further and she needs to let all the air out without making a sound which feels like torture. She wants to scream and have him know how crazy he makes her feel.

Haru moves his tongue with a kind of hunger she's never experienced from him before, he gulps down her wetness and makes it harder for her to feel normal again, because the aftershocks of her orgasm are triggered by barely anything and she twitches, whines and twists until he decides he's had enough, until her taste is burned into his memory and he makes peace with not being in between her legs anymore.

He takes a deep breath as he moves back and licks his lips before swallowing down. He crawls over her and collapses his weight on too, nuzzling in her collarbone and leaving small kisses over the bone.

“Happy birthday,” he whispers.

“I can't believe—” She shakes her head with her eyes closed and her breath barely back. “I hate you.”

He laughs and shakes his head, rising up to meet her gaze. “You don't.”

“I don't,” she concedes with a sigh, as reluctant as she can sound, wrapping her hands around his head. “It isn't fair that you didn't take anything off.”

“Hmm.” He leans down and softly kisses her over her cheeks, the border of her mouth, and eventually her perked up lips. “Next time.”

That's enough.

Rui quickly cleans herself up while Haru gathers her clothes for her to dress up again. He helps her brush and tie her hair, leaving no trace of any of the disgusting things he did to her. Even touching her feels wrong, she shouldn't be letting him touch after what he's done and knowing what he wants to do again.

Jiwoo is already there when she makes it back down. They're all eating chips and talking with her mom about eating habits and safe foods so she has to join the conversation with a smile and sit in between Megan and her mom on the couch, trying her best to take him out of her mind.

Haru only makes it down when they call him on the phone because they're gonna sing the birthday song and slice the cake and he, of course, has to be there for his little sister.

He gives her a sly look from the other side of the table while they sing and she licks her lips and makes a slight change in posture, trying her best to keep herself in check and not feel his fingers anymore, not be reminded of his hot breath on her belly, of his tongue pushing her over the edge.

Once the party is done, once everyone goes home and the house falls deadly silent, she gets under her sheets and tries to use any of the tricks Haru has shown her when her fingers try stimulating herself. But there's nothing that will ever replicate him.