Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

0

… Your back hurts. More than usual, that is. You sleep, distantly aware of it, when a sudden cramp wakes you up fully. Ow.

It’s intense, but it leaves quickly. You place a hand on your belly, and the little stowaway wiggles, apparently unconcerned. That’s good enough for you. You stretch, unwilling to open your eyes. The sun is nice and warm, and even though you feel more uncomfortable than usual, you don’t want to move from your spot, curled up in the grass on your side.

"--frin! Siffrin!" the Universe apparently thinks you have somewhere else to be, though. You feel a shadow land over the side of your face, “... Siffrin? Are you alright?” You blearily open your eyes-- eye, turning your head to look at her. An upside down Mira gives you a smile, “good morning! or good afternoon, I guess… Were you taking a nap? That’s smart, you need all the rest you can get.”

She says it like your naps are a choice you’re making and not a byproduct of your constant exhaustion. Unable to sleep through the night, snatching sleep where you can is pretty much your only choice. You’re too sleepy to say anything in return. You close your eyes again.

“Oh, I interrupted you, didn't I? I'm sorry!!” you hum in protest. She has nothing to apologise for, “sleep for as long as you need, okay? If you can’t find any of us in the village, then we’ll probably be in the clocktower!” and with that, she leaves.

Exhaustion lays over you like a blanket. You feel yourself start to drift back to sleep.

Then another cramp builds. OW. Urgh. You don’t want to sleep if this is going to keep happening. You force your eyes to open, and stay open. You don’t want to spend the rest of the day sleeping. That would be a waste.

With a grunt, you force yourself to get up, shifting uncomfortably at the odd feeling in your pelvis. Feels like a rock in there. Another pregnancy thing to annoy you.

You sigh. Get up, Siffrin. You have a country to save.

You walk into the village, seeing Mira sit on a bench, looking through her papers. She smiles up at you, a little surprised, “o-oh, you’re up! Do you need anything?”

“I'm fine,” You smile at her, “where is everyone, though?”

“Oh? Around? Why do you want to know?”

You don’t know, you’re just bored and restless. Might as well talk to everyone. You shrug.

“Oh, well, I think Odile is in the store? Bonnie would be thinking about dinner, so maybe they’re in the field,” she counts on her fingers as she talks, “and I think Isabeau is thinking about what to ask from the favour tree.”

Okay, cool, hopefully walking around Dormont will get rid of the restless feelings in your legs--

OW. Again?? It took you by surprise, so you weren’t able to hide a wince.

Mira frowns. Stars. She’s going to ask you questions, and get all concerned and weird--

“… Siffrin? Will you remember? I can write it down!”

--and she completely misinterprets your wince, thank the stars. You nod bashfully.

“Of course!!” She pulls out a pen and writes it all down, handing the note to you, “oh, and Siffrin, if you’re going to talk to them anyway, can I ask you for a favour…? But you don’t have to!! it’s fine--”

“What is it?” you tilt your head.

“Um-- I have an idea for tonight?” she twists her fingers, “Since we’re going to fight the king tomorrow, I feel like we need to make this night special somehow, so I was thinking, w-we could do a sleepover!” she smiles at you, “We could all eat good food together, sleep in the same room, maybe tell stories! That would be nice, wouldn’t it?”

… Is the sleepover the favour she’s asking for?

“UM, so I was going to let everyone know about it!! If, um, you think it’s a good idea!! I understand if you think it’s silly though…”

Your lack of enthusiasm made her upset!!

“N-no, I think it’s fun! Let’s do it!! I was just wondering where the favour comes in…?”

“O-oh! Right!! I was going to tell everyone myself, but since you already want to talk to everyone anyway, can you tell them? You’d probably be able to convince them better than me,” she lets out a nervous giggle.

Well, you kind of have to, now… “of course, Mira.”

“Thank you, Siffrin! Though-- if you start to feel too tired, you can tell me and I can take over--”

“I’ll be fine, Mira. See you!” You leave before more interrogation happens!! Stars, how does she think you’re going to handle the House if she doesn’t seem to think you can handle walking around town?? You’re not that pregnant.

You look at the note. Okay, Odile first, then… Bonnie. Stars. You want to respect their space, and leave them alone, but you promised Mira. Oh well. At least you’ll have an excuse to talk to them. And if it goes bad… you’ll have Isa to cheer you up.

“Odile,” you greet when you find her in the store.

She glances at you from where she’s been looking at the shelves, “Oh, Siffrin. You look more well rested than usual, that’s good. Do you feel alright?”

You have nothing to report, so you nod, “Mira wants to have a sleepover at the clocktower.”

“A sleepover? Ugh, you guys really are kids.”

“We can forget about our problems,” you shrug and smile.

“I suppose so. Some of us have more problems to forget than others,” she looks down at your stomach, which you don’t think is fair. You’re sure that Mira, the literal chosen one, has more things to worry about than you. She looks at you over her glasses, “remember to keep us updated now more than ever, Siffrin. We do not need anything happening in the next two days.”

You’re so early on in your pregnancy that you don’t know what she thinks would happen. Still, you nod seriously. But the real important thing is… “... Clocktower sleepover?”

“Yes, I'll be attending. Poor Boniface probably needs it, too. Maybe we all do. But I better get a bed all to myself.”

“Mira and Bonnie will probably be sharing,” it’s not like they’d ever tolerate sleeping next to you again.

“So Isabeau will be left on the ground?”

“We can share,” though, with how much you need to get up at night to pee, you’re sure he’ll probably rather take the floor over you.

“…Fascinating,” she smirks. You blink at her, "anyway, I'll be there. You know, since my bed is there.”

Yeah, good point actually. Everyone is already going to sleep there, so why was Mira so worried about everyone attending her sleepover…?

What if Bonnie realises that? What if they get mad at you for trying to tell them about Mira’s idea? But if you don’t tell them and they’re surprised, Mira would be upset… stars, whatever, you’ll just tell them. It’s good to have a tangible goal. It feels awkward to do nothing the day before the fight, but you also don’t really have anything to distract yourself with. You can’t imagine how Mira feels. You’ll do her any favour she asks.

You smile goodbye at Odile, and leave the shop. Maybe because the stakes are so high, they’ll let you get close to use your knife against any Sadnesses, and you can finally be useful--

Ow, ow, OW. STARS.

Okay, what is with these cramps?? It comes and goes, like a wave. There’s always some pain, but it’s easily put to the back of your mind, except for when it randomly spikes. Haven’t you had cramps like these before…?

Oh, when you met Bonnie, that’s right. It hit when you were talking to them, and it was really annoying, but it went away eventually. These cramps will be the same.

You take in a deep breath. Bonnie time. You find them right where Mira said they’d be, staring out at the fields.

“...Hey, Bonnie.”

They don’t respond, but you see them try not to look at you, so you know they know you’re there.

“Sleepover? At the clocktower? It’s Mira's idea,” now they look up at you, and your chest squeezes at the sight of their scar. It’s lightened a little, but it’s still fresh. You wonder if they can feel it pull whenever they make an expression.

“Oh. Okay.”

Okay! You’ve done your task, so leave and stop bothering them. You’re not going to make the mistake of staying when they clearly want you to leave, again, “see you later then, Bonnie.”

“...” they press their lips together and open their mouth, like they’re going to say something, but whatever it is, it doesn’t come out.

“... Did you want to say something?”

“... No. Go away.”

They don’t need to tell you twice. Isa’s turn, now. You’re glad you saved him for last. You walk across the town, waving at Mira as you pass by.

“Are you sure you’re doing okay??” she asks, looking at you with big wet eyes, and you give her a thumbs up, and a cramp hits!! Ow!! But you’re getting smart, you’re beginning to expect them, and you hide it better than last time. Are you imagining it, or are they a little more painful each time? You probably are. The cramps when you met Bonnie went away eventually, so you just have to have faith.

Speaking of faith, Favour Tree. Isabeau. Get there.

“Isa!”

“Sif!!”

“Isaa!!”

“Sif!!!” Isa grins, “you look full of energy!! Guess that nap was really rejuvenating, wasn’t it?”

You nod, "I'm the best at napping.”

“You sure are!!”

“I could do it with my eyes closed.”

Isa laughs, even though it’s not really a pun. They’ve been harder to think of, the longer it’s been. Mira says that brain fog is a part of pregnancy, so maybe that’s why…? You don’t like it. It makes you feel stupider than you already are, and… you like hearing Isa laugh.

“You’re so funny, Sif,” he wipes his eyes, “are you here to do the Favour tree thing?”

“I am, but I'm also here to tell you that Mira is planning a sleepover at the clocktower.“

“A sleepover? Crab yeah!! Though… Don't we only have three beds? I'm guessing that M’dame Odile will want her own bed, and Mira and Bonnie will share. Uh, would you be okay if I shared with you, Sif?”

You frown, “why wouldn’t I be?”

“Just asking!! You’ve been forced to share a tiny tent with me for ages… maybe you’d like the extra space?”

… Is he trying to hint that he doesn’t want to sleep in the same bed as you? If that’s the case, then he should take the bed. You’re likely not going to get any sleep at all, "I can sleep on the floor,” you offer.

“No???”

You open your mouth to offer a different idea, when-- OW???

Isa blinks, “Sif? Are you okay?

You give him a thumbs up, but you can’t help the way you bend over, slightly. This is the worst one by FAR!! You take in a deep breath, but it doesn’t leave. You press your hand against the pain, low in your stomach, but it doesn’t leave. Stars!!! Why isn’t it going away?? You’re starting to get really annoyed by these. They better not still be a problem when you go into the House tomorrow.

Isa frowns, “Are you sure? You don’t look okay? Are you in pain?”

The moment Isa asks that, the pain recedes into a normal ache, and you let out a sigh of relief. Truthfully, you answer, “no, I'm not in any pain.”

“It… sure looked like you were, bud?”

“It was just a random cramp,” you shrug.

“... A random cramp?”

“Yeah, I've had them before, ages ago. Before I even knew I was pregnant,” you shrug, “it went away eventually. This’ll be the same.”

Isa smiles at you, but there's a worried crease in between his eyebrows, even though you’re telling him it’s fine, “... Right. If you’re sure,” you nod. You are!

You point at the tree, “can I go do the Favour tree thing?”

“R-right! But Sif, SERIOUSLY,” he leans in close, “let me know if you need anything. Literally anything in the whole wide world, and your buddy Isa will get it for you, ‘kay?”

Okay!! You give him a thumbs up. You’re so lucky to have such a nice friend. His gaze lingers on you for a little longer, but eventually, he leaves.

You let your smile fall, and look up at the Favour Tree. You feel antsy again, without a goal.

It’s probably just because you’re one day away from fighting the king. This time tomorrow, you’ll either be frozen, dead, or alone. Of course you’re nervous!! Even in the best case scenario, you’ll be drifting aimlessly, alone, barely even a person--

The fetus wiggles. Right. For a while at least, it’ll be impossible for you to be alone. That’s a consolation. And then through some method or another, it’ll leave your body, and, well… whatever happens, happens. You fidget with your coin.

You stare up at the Favour Tree. It looms over you, tall, grand, worthy of its purpose. You like it. It’s steady, reliable. It’ll get your wish to where it needs to go.

You find a leaf you like, thinking about your wish. Everyone is probably wishing for Vaugarde to be saved. You don’t want to add another wish like that to the pile. The little passenger wiggles, as if reminding you that it's there. Should you make a wish for it…? What would you even wish for?

You shouldn’t ask for anything too big, anyway. What if your wish takes away from everyone else’s wish to save Vaugarde?

You’ll wish for something small, then. Something simple, something nice.

You wish…

To be there when Bonnie reunites with their sister.

Bonnie has been angry at you, of course. You failed to protect them, and they hate you for it. Their sister would probably hate you even more. But even so, you’d like to be there when they see their sister again. They miss her so much, sometimes they cry out for her in their sleep. If you could help save her, help to get them back to their sister and see her safe and alive… you’d like to do that. You want them to be happy.

You want to stay with them.

Wish in mind, you breathe your wish into the leaf, repeating it three times, and folding it closed, keeping the wish safe.

There.

You gently let the leaf go, and watch as it flutters off into the Universe.

Ow. Ow. OW.

All alone, with no one to see you, you’re free to let out a wince, sucking in a deep breath. What is with this? It’s starting to actually really hurt. You’re definitely imagining it, but-- it feels like the waves are coming faster, and staying for longer. It’s not going away like it did last time.

Is… is something wrong with the fetus? The healer said that you were fifteenish weeks along, and birth happens at… fourty ish weeks? And you’re twenty something weeks!! So-- if you’re in pain now, then something must be wrong, right? What if-- what if you’re losing it?

Well-- that would solve your second biggest problem, but-- the idea makes your chest tight and your chin wobble and your breath tremble, and you don’t know what’s happening, but you know that you don’t want to lose it now. It’s still yours!!

Maybe you should tell someone-- Odile said that you needed to tell someone if something happened, does-- does this count? It might not even be related to your pregnancy at all and they need to be focused to fight the king, and so--

You feel something inside of you give way, and suddenly your pants are soaked.

Did you just pee yourself???

WHAT KIND OF FREAK PISSES THEMSELF??

You groan in surprise and disgust, moving your leg, and another gush comes out?? You squeeze your pelvic muscles, but you can’t stop it, it keeps going, uncaring of your wishes. You shove your face in your hands. Aren’t you an adult?? What kind of adult pisses themself??? Why can’t you control it?? What if you never stop???

Once the shock wears off, you notice that… It smells sweet. Why does it smell sweet? That’s not what pee smells like.

You’re leaking and leaking, and you’ve been having horrible, consistent cramps, and the rock in your pelvis is heavier, and you hadn’t felt the need to pee, it just came out with a pop, and--

Are. Are you giving birth? But-- but you can’t be giving birth, it’s too early, it hasn’t been enough weeks yet, your belly isn’t big enough yet, it’s not ready to live outside of you yet--

It must be something else, right? Something else must be happening, and you’re just being stupid, not knowing what your body is doing once again--

“Siffrin!” a hand grabs your shoulder, and you jolt, Odile’s there, looking at you, eyes wide, and she doesn’t let you go, “are you alright? What’s happening, tell me your symptoms.”

“I'm fine,” you say automatically, “I'm-- I'm fine,” you’re sure it’s fine, you’re sure nothing bad is happening and you’re just overreacting--

“Siffrin, now is not the time,” Odile-- snaps? “Tell me what’s happening.”

“I-- um,” you look down at your… if you’re not in labour, then it must be pee, right? “I. Peed? Myself?”

“You what--?” Odile looks down at your pants, and you only now realise how blinding humiliating this is. She frowns, “no, that’s-- that’s not urine. That smell-- that’s amniotic fluid.”

“No, it’s-- I'm sure I just peed myself, I know that’s so gross I just--”

Odile’s lips flatten, “it’s not urine, Siffrin--”

“But--”

“Sif… you’ve been having contractions, haven’t you?” Isa says-- when did he get here? he looks down at you, so sad, why is he so sad??

“... Contraction? Wh--” you grit your teeth with a grunt as another cramp hits you, bending over into Odile's embrace. Odile’s grip on your arms is strong and steady, and-- another hand is touching you, touching your back, and you look up to see Isa, who winces, removing his hand.

“S-sorry! Sorry, I wasn't thinking, you just look-- oh, Sif, I shouldn't have left you behind.”

“It’s fine,” you say past the pain, because how was he supposed to know he’d come back to find you a pathetic soiled mess? He shouldn’t need to hover over you, anyway, you’re fine. Finally, it passes, and you feel Odile's grip on your arms relax as she lets you go.

“Siffrin,” Odile looks at you, serious and stern. Looking up in her eyes, you have no choice but to believe whatever she tells you, “What you just experienced was a contraction. You’re in labour. Y-your body is trying to get the fetus out.”

“But. It's too early.”

Odile doesn’t say anything. She doesn’t need to.

Your face feels numb.

Stars.

Slow to realise you’re pregnant, and slow to realise you’re in labour. You really are stupid. You can’t even make a baby right.

Why is your body doing this? Why is it trying to get it out?? It’s not ready.

“Sif?” someone asks, but it’s muffled, like they’re underwater. You nod, feeling like someone else is doing it for you. Isa’s suddenly standing next to you. He really should stop looking so sad, “are you okay?”

“yeah,” you say. What else are you supposed to say?

Isa winces, “sorry, that’s-- that’s a really stupid question.”

You distantly feel the fetus move inside of you, kicking at your ribs like nothing is wrong. Like it’s not going to die. Like your body isn’t betraying it, like it didn’t create a fetus without your permission only to get rid of it before it was ready.

Odile shoves her face in her hands, “gems alive…” she breathes.

Stars-- you’re so selfish, only thinking about yourself. This is happening at the worst time-- your friends need to focus on their mission to save the whole blinding country, not-- get distracted by you and your stupid problems.

Why did this have to happen? What did you do wrong? Did you not want it enough? Would the Universe have let you keep it if you made a decision already? Is this your fault?

You feel your numb arms clutch your belly, like that will keep it safe inside of you.

Chapter Text

0

“We need to think about where to take them.”

“Is there anywhere but the clocktower?”

“Surely there’s some place other than the House that can provide some healthcare?”

The conversation washes over you. It’s a little hard to hear over the pounding of your heart. You swallow thickly, “the sleepover will be happening in the clocktower,” you say. So you can’t go there, not on the off chance you’ll still be dealing with this by the time the sleepover happens. You don’t want to distract anyone from their fun.

“Uh, yeah, it was, bud?” Isa looks at Odile, “there’s a bath in the clocktower, at the very least he can clean himself up, there.”

Right. You want to clean yourself up. You can be in the clocktower for a little while, then. You aren’t sure how to get there without going through town, but. You’ll figure it out. You start walking towards the woods, hoping you can skirt the edge of the forest to hide, and for some reason, Odile and Isa start walking with you.

“Oh, yeah, we could probably make it there through the woods, though-- that’s kind of a long way? Maybe you could wait for me to run and grab another pair of pants for you?”

You shake your head. Making Isa do something for you while dirtying another pair of pants? Why would you want that?

“I'll go and get Mirabelle. She’d know where to find someone who can help. It's unfortunate that you ran into me first.”

“Uh--!! Do you have to leave? Maybe we should get Sif settled first.”

“I thought you’d trained for this kind of thing when you were a Defender?”

A long pause. You keep walking, focusing on your feet. If you trip over a branch that could hurt the stowaway.

Though, what does that matter, now?

“... Not this kind of thing…”

“... I know even less than you do. That’s why I want to get Mirabelle, so we can find a healer and get the best care for Siffrin. I'm sure things won’t progress while I'm gone.”

“Yeah. Yeah. You’re right, M’dame.”

“Siffrin, does that sound alright to you?”

You feel like you’re on another planet, listening to their conversation, and it’s only just occurred to you that you can contribute.

“I can go to the clocktower by myself,” you say, barely hearing yourself. All that’s real is the horrible cramping pain of your body betraying its creation, “you can go back to doing what you were doing before.”

A long silence.

“... I'm not going to dignify that with an answer,” Odile mutters. What did you say wrong? “Siffrin, the only reason I'm leaving is to find someone to help.”

“you don’t need to find anyone to help,” what’s there to help with, anyway? Besides, you’re sure that no one will want to. Everyone is preparing for the party of a lifetime tomorrow.

“You’d prefer if Isabeau went to find help?”

A little bit of irritation trickles past the numbness. It feels like she’s deliberately misunderstanding you, “I don’t need a healer.”

“... In my opinion, you do,” Odile says, sounding a little like she’s gritting her teeth, “it would make me feel quite a bit better to have a professional capable of providing advice and intervening if something were to go wrong.”

But everything already has gone wrong.

She frowns at you, "miscarriages-- stillbirths-- whatever this is, it can be deadly for the pregnant person.”

Oh.

So-- if you don’t have a healer to help, you’ll die?

“M-M’dame, maybe you shouldn’t-- uh, Sif, they’d also provide you with pain relief tonics we can’t get over the counter.”

“Perhaps they can speed things up, as well. Or perhaps even delay things until we can access more resources? Though, I admit that’s hopeful thinking on my part.”

You get it. Obviously your friends won’t let you die, and a healer can fix this problem for them so they can have fun with their sleepover and prepare for tomorrow. They’ll still need to find one, though…

“I'll look for one after I'm clean.”

“We’d-- really rather you stay and rest, Sif??”

“Exactly, you can’t strain yourself unnecessarily while you’re having a medical emergency. Obviously, we’ll find you a healer.”

But this is your problem. They have more important things to think about.

“It’s fine, guys,” you belatedly remember that you have a face, and you can use it to smile, "I'll work it out.”

… a very long silence. You don’t understand why they’re looking at you like that. Like they’re horrified by something.

Isa crosses his arms, “Siffrin,” he says, more stern than you’ve ever heard him, “if you think that we’re going to let you deal with this by yourself, then you have another thing coming.”

Odile nods firmly, “we’re going to help you get through this as quickly as possible. I promise, you won’t suffer for longer than you have to,” a pause, and she sighs, "I'm going to go find Mirabelle. Good luck, Isabeau.”

Suddenly, she’s gone. You didn’t notice her walking away.

“You ready to go, Sif? Are you in any pain?” you hadn’t noticed you stopped walking. You can see the clocktower through the trees.

You sigh, and start walking again. Hopefully Odile and Mira will be able to find a healer fast. Then you won’t be their problem anymore.

You’re almost out of the woods when another cramp-- contraction? Grows, and it’s bad enough that you have to stop to breath against a tree. Distantly, you’re aware of Isa hovering, holding out his hand like he’s going to touch you but he never does. You don’t deserve his concern. You’re fine.

You’re fine.

You were going to abort it anyway, weren’t you? So you’re fine. Just focus on getting to the clocktower. The bridge is broken, but luckily, there’s a secret other bridge that you hadn’t known about that Isa takes you over instead.

The feeling of your wet clothes rubbing against your skin is grounding, and at the same time, making you irrationally angry. You hate walking around in wet clothes, and it’s worse when the wetness is blood, or-- or some other weird bodily fluid you’ve never heard of before. It’s still leaking out of you and it’s warm and slimy.

The second you get in the tower, you shove your pants off, holding them out away from you angrily, unsure of where to put them.

“I can take care of that,” Isa goes to grab your disgusting pants, and you pull them away.

“I'll do it?” if someone’s clothes get dirty and can’t wait until laundry day, then it gets washed by that person. That’s the rule. Why is he still here, anyway?

“Sif… let me do the laundry for you,” why is he phrasing it like you’re doing him a favour? He has better things to do than your laundry. You don’t say anything, not relinquishing the pants. Agh!!! Another contraction grows, and you’re unable to hide a wince, bunching your fists in the pants. “Oh, Sif…” he breathes. You hate the way he’s looking at you. You hate the way he realises that you're watching him, and smiles to cover up his expression, “let’s… maybe put a pin in the laundry?” he says too softly, “wait, here’s a basket!” He grabs it and offers it to you, and you still don’t like it, but you drop your pants in anyway, taking off your underwear while you’re at it.

“I'll wash them later,” you say

“Uhhh huh,” Isa says, in a way that makes you think that he’s lying about agreeing with you, but you’re still too fuzzy to think about it too hard. Your skin feels cold and sticky.

“You said there’s a bath here?”

“Oh, yeah, there is-- I'll run you one right now.”

“You don’t need to do that--” it’s too late, Isa’s already rushed through a door that you had assumed was a closet. Why is he running after you like this? Surely he has more important things to do.

You trudge over to the bathroom, and Isa looks up at you from where he’s been messing with the two taps. He’s even trying to make it the right temperature? He doesn’t need to do all that. “O-oh Sif! It’s not quite ready, yet, but-- you can get in if you want.”

You do want. You’d rather sit in too hot or too cold water than feel the cool air on your sticky legs for a moment longer. You wave him away when he hovers over you as you get undressed the rest of the way, “do you… wanna take your eyepatch off, Sif? It’ll get wet…”

You shake your head, and get in the bath, trying not to feel annoyed. You know Isa’s just being nice. He’s a good friend. You just wish he realises that you really don’t need to be coddled like this.

You fuss with the taps before Isa can do it, and find the right balance of hot and cold that soothes your screaming muscles. The fetus’ movement changes a little, like it’s reacting to the warmth of the bath. Can that happen? Or maybe the movement is changing because it knows it’s going to die-- you shake your head. Quickly, you wash your thighs and privates, getting rid of the odd fluid. What did Odile call it? Your… amniotic fluid? What even is that?

Why does it seem like everyone knows so much about this while you know practically nothing?

Did you forget everything from school? Did you even go to school? Or were you too stupid to figure out how to do that?

“Is everything okay, Sif? How’s the pain? Do you need any tonics? Soaps? A massage?” you shake your head. You already have soaps, you’re not going to make Isa give you a massage and you certainly aren’t going to use the party’s tonics when they need it for tomorrow.

“Are you sure? If there’s anything you need at all, Sif, please just tell me.”

“I'm fine,” you say, and it comes out more irritated than you mean it to.

“Uh… you know, you can also ask me to leave? That’s fine?” Really? You feel like you’ve asked him and Odile to leave dozens of times, and they ignored you. Still, you nod, and Isa stands up, “okay! Um-- I'll still be around, if you need me, just holler.”

You nod, and finally, you’re alone.

Why do you feel worse?

It doesn’t matter how you feel. No matter how much you want everyone with you, they have a sleepover to have and a country to save. Isa will probably realise that, and go back to doing what he was doing before. You’ll get clean, and then a healer will pick you up, and take you somewhere else to deal with this, and then-- maybe you’ll be back in time for the sleepover? That would be nice.

You can pretend like this never happened.

You feel the fetus turn, and you curl over your belly, for some odd, stupid reason. You squeeze your eyes as you feel another contraction coming, sucking in a deep breath.

When it’s over, you stare at the wall. The tap drips droplets into the water. The fetus moves inside of you.

You should feel something, shouldn’t you? You should feel something other than this pervasive, awful numbness. You don’t feel like you’re on another planet anymore, but you still don’t feel like you’re quite inside your body. Maybe you can give your body to the fetus, and it can pilot you from now on. That would be nice. The stowaway becomes the captain.

A knock on the door, and you flinch hard enough to make the water jostle, “Sif? Is it okay for me to come in?”

What’s Isa still doing here? “Y-yeah?”

He pokes his head in and smiles at you, “hi, Sif. I'm just checking in.”

Why? “I'm fine, but thanks, Isa. You don’t need to check on me.”

“You’re. Having a medical emergency?? Checking in is the least I can do??”

Surely he has better things to do?? Still, you’re too tired to argue, so you nod guiltily, sinking into the bath and closing your eyes against the steadily rising contraction. In a way, the pain is nice. It turns your thoughts off.

Time passes in a hazy, pain-filled blur. For some reason, Isa doesn’t leave, popping in occasionally to check in on you like something will happen in the ten minutes you’re alone. It’s only that, the fetus’ movements, and the contractions that keep you from falling asleep. Eventually, the water gets cold enough that you can’t justify staying anymore. Isa walks in just as you sit up to reach for a towel.

“Ah-- Sif! Let me get that for you!” he shifts the clothes he’s holding to one hand, and gives you the towel. You wrap it around your shoulders, slowly getting out of the bath, ignoring the hand that Isa offers. You won’t take advantage of whatever obligation he feels towards you, “you feel good, Sif?” he asks, when you’re standing, swaying a little.

You nod.

“Okay, so, um, I was thinking of the best clothes for you to wear? Since the healer might want access to your vagina--” you make a face. Your vagina… ugh, this is going to be as violating as having your eye socket cleaned, isn’t it? “--I was thinking you could wear one of your old shirts, and one of Mira’s skirts?”

You look at the clothes he offers. The long sleeved shirt you stopped wearing early on-- back when your breasts became really sensitive. It shouldn’t be a problem now, but-- the skirt? You shake your head, "I don't want to make her skirt dirty,” you’re still a little shaken by the amniotic fluid thing. If that came out of you with no warning, what else could come out?

“That’s the last thing Mira would care about, I promise--” no, no, no-- you’ve already ruined her mission just by being here-- you don’t want to ruin her skirt while you’re at it. Isa frowns down at you, looking so upset, and you hate yourself, “m-maybe wear your pajama pants, then? Though, you’ll probably end up having to take them off at some point…”

What would be the point of putting them on in the first place, then? What are your other options? Just staying naked? Stars, wearing Mira’s skirt might actually be the best option…

“… I'll just wear her skirt,” you’ll take it off the second she protests, and maybe blame the whole thing on Isa, a little bit.

“Okay, Sif,” Isa says, softly enough that it makes you uncomfortable. Why can’t he just act normally? Like nothing is happening? Why can’t he just ignore that your body is betraying you altogether and just let you handle it? You’d like that a lot more. You get changed, hoping that you won’t be surprised by any other mysterious fluids.

It’s kind of nice to wear a skirt again. You can’t remember the last time you wore a skirt, actually. You sway a little, letting it flare out. You look up at Isa, who’s staring at you. His eyes widen when he realises you’re watching him, and he jerks his head away, wincing.

“Isa?”

“S-sorry, Sif,” he says, even though you’re not sure what he’s apologising for, “Odile and Mira should be back with a healer soon. Do you want to do anything while we wait?”

Anything is the last thing you want to do. You try to nap, hoping to sink away from reality for just a little bit, but you can’t. The contractions come and come and come and your legs itch and ache, and you end up switching between walking around the clocktower, curling up in bed, leaning against the wall, or lying on the cool tiles of the bathroom or kitchen, whichever feels mysteriously better. Throughout it all, it won’t stop moving.

And. You just wish Isa would stop blinding hovering. He has so many better things to do than following you around, offering you water and food and tonics. You can be in miserable agony by yourself just fine.

Stars, were you always this short tempered? It just hurts so bad. It just really hurts. You’re starting to look forward to the healer coming-- you want those pain relief tonics that you can’t get over the counter.

It takes a lifetime for Odile to return with Mira and-- Bonnie. Your eyes instantly go to them, and as usual, they avoid eye contact with you, hiding behind Odile’s height. You wait, but no one else follows them. Where’s the healer?

You gaze up at Odile from where you’ve been lying on the bed, and she grimaces, "I'm sorry, Siffrin, but-- apparently all of the healers in this town were Housemaidens, and…”

“A-all of them were in the House, when it was frozen,” Mira finishes guiltily. Oh. Okay, so-- what does that mean? Are you going to die? Didn’t Odile say that if they couldn’t find a healer, you’d die? Mira steps closer, “how-- how are you doing, Siffrin? How do you feel?”

“I feel fine.”

“Are you in a lot of pain?” You shrug.

“I-I think he is, Mira,” Isa says softly, grimacing apologetically when you glance up at him in betrayal.

“Are you bleeding? They said-- your water broke?” your water…? Does she mean the amniotic fluid? when you nod-- her face twists in an awful, horrified expression that strikes dread into your very being. You should have said something else. You should have said something else.

She looks away, but you still remember it. You swallow thickly.

You don’t understand why everyone is here, standing and looking at you instead of preparing for the sleepover. They couldn’t find a healer, so-- what else can they do? Why are they here?

Though-- there’s some bags of groceries that Bonnie must have brought in. Maybe they are about to get ready for the sleepover, and you’re ruining the vibe. Stars, of course that’s what’s happening. Not everything’s about you. You stand up, rubbing your back, “Mira, Isa gave me one of your skirts, but I can wear something else if you want.”

Mira blinks, “huh?” her voice is watery, “O-oh, no, that’s perfectly fine!! Honestly, if you want to change into any of my other clothes for this, you have blanket permission! Wear whatever’s the most comfortable!!”

Stars, she’s so nice, it stresses you out. She asked about your water and if you were bleeding so she knows that this is messy, and yet she’s letting you wear her very darkless skirt?? Still, you don’t want to dig through her things, so you might as well just keep wearing it. The sooner you leave, the sooner your friends can enjoy their sleepover, anyway. You’re not actually sure where to go, if there isn’t a healer, but-- you’ll figure it out.

Before you can even take a step to leave, a contraction stalls you and you have to stop and breathe through it. You hate how horribly silent the room becomes. Everyone is looking at you, waiting for you to leave. When it’s done, Odile gets your attention before you can try to leave again “Siffrin. We need to talk about a plan.”

You do? You thought the plan was quite clear.

She frowns, looking away, “I… couldn’t find any healers for you. Even if I did, the specialty tonics we want are all in the House. I'm concerned about complications. With there being at least twenty four hours until we can get any real help… I don't want to risk it,” she presses her lips together, “we’re of course willing to help you endure this, and help you with the aftermath, but at a certain point, we must go and stop the King, or else we’ll all freeze,” you nod. Of course you knew that. Why is she saying it so regretfully? She steps closer, looking you right in the eye, “Siffrin. I'm saying this because I think that this is the option that will result in the best outcome, with the least amount of pain for you,” … you slowly nod, and she takes a deep breath, “I want to freeze you.”

Oh. Okay.

“What? Why would you say that, Dile??” Bonnie’s voice cuts through the buzzing in your ears, as they stomp up to Odile, “are you stupid?? OBVIOUSLY Frin’s not gonna do that!!”

You. kind of forgot they were in the room. They were so quiet.

“Don’t call me names, Boniface,” Odile sighs, "I'm not happy about it either, I'm merely suggesting it because I think it’s the best option available.”

“It isn’t!! Any option where Frin is frozen is the bad option!! I'm not gonna let you do that!!” why are-- why are they defending you?? Of all people, you would’ve thought that Bonnie would be the most happy to let you be frozen-- no more looking at you, after all.

Odile presses her lips together, “It’s their choice, Bonifa--”

“Hey, um--” Isa cuts in, “Bonbon, maybe it’s time to step outside…?” gently, he touches Bonnie’s shoulder.

Bonnie slaps it away, “no, it’s not!! Za, you can’t let her freeze frin!! She can’t freeze Frin!!” they’re getting too worked up, tears pricking their eyes. Why are they so upset??

“Bon, we need to go outside, okay?” Isa puts his serious face on, but it doesn’t work.

“No!! You’re not freezing Frin!!!” they shout.

“Bonnie--” Mira tries to help, but Bonnie cuts her off.

“No, you’re not!! You’re not!!!”

“Okay--” Isa picks them up, and they thrash, but they’re no match for Isa’s size, and they’re carried outside. You can hear them shouting through the closed door.

“Oh, Change,” Mira says, her voice a little watery, “we shouldn’t have brought this up around them…”

Your fingers shake.

“What’s done is done,” Odile mutters softly, pushing her glasses up to pinch her nose. Stars. Why can’t you stop ruining everything? “As I was saying-- I know it sounds extreme, but from what we’ve seen, freezing-- it essentially puts you on pause. We’ll be able to deal with the King without your condition worsening, and we’ll be able to put all our focus on supporting you, and finding you the best healer available,” she fidgets with her fingers, “the downside is, well-- you’ll be frozen. And of course, we don’t actually know what that feels like. Not to mention, we have no idea if you’ll ever be unfrozen. This is all assuming that we’ll win, which,” she heaves a heavy sigh, “there’s a not insignificant chance that we won’t.”

You get it. It makes sense.

You really should have frozen yourself at the House in Grandmais and saved them all this trouble. Now they’ve wasted so much time and resources only for you to skip out at the last moment, peacefully not existing while everyone else does the actual work. Not that you’d be able to contribute much if you went. You’d have just been a burden, but selfishly, you still wanted to be there in the final hour, to-- to spend as much time with your friends as possible. To support Mira when she needs it the most.

You look over at Mira, and her lip wobbles, “I-I… change, I feel really bad saying it, but I agree with her? I hate having to freeze you, but-- we really need to buy ourselves some time, and-- I know the Housemaidens really well!! I'll be able to take the best person to help right to you, Siffrin!!”

“Is it… okay that I won't be there? When you fight the king.”

She blinks, “huh? Oh, of course it is, Siffrin,” She says, like she’s confused. Because she was never really counting on you in the first place.

Your stomach twists.

Because-- stars, this is it, isn’t it? You won’t get tonight and the next day with them, you’ll go and be frozen out of the way, and when you wake up, you’ll be given to the nearest Housemaiden-- this will probably be the last time you even talk to them.

Why didn’t you just freeze yourself in Grandmais? You could have avoided all this-- could have avoided ever finding out about-- stars, why didn’t you freeze yourself??

“… Siffrin?” Odile prompts, because you’re being selfish and wasting everyone’s time.

“… I think it’s a good idea.”

“Okay,” she sighs, but this time with an air of palpable relief, “well. No point in wasting time and letting your condition worsen. Unless there’s something you want to do first?”

Everything. You want to do everything first, and draw out this moment so you never have to leave them, but that’s impossible. You’re just being selfish, anyway. They have more important things to do.

“… Can I change into my cloak and shoes? And say bye to Isa and Bonnie?”

“Of course!! Though it won’t be bye, you’ll see them again, I promise,” Mira looks at you determinedly. So-- if they win, and if you survive this, they might visit you? Maybe to say goodbye for real? That would be really nice.

Another contraction comes, and you breathe through it, just trying to focus putting your cloak, hat and shoes on. They make you feel just a little bit better.

“I’ve never seen you wear a skirt with your cloak before,” Mira says softly.

“I'm like a triangle.”

“The best triangle!”

It’s nice to joke with her one last time.

When you step out of the clocktower, you see Isa, crouched down to Bonnie's height, gently talking to them about something you can’t hear. Their arms are crossed, and they stare hard at the ground. Odile closes the door a little loudly, and they snap their head up, taking off running the moment they spot you. Your heart sinks as they leave.

They probably won’t want to say goodbye to you if you survive this. What if this is the last time you’ll ever see them?

Isa slowly stands as the three of you approach, rubbing the back of his neck, “I… guess you agreed to be frozen?”

You nod.

“Oh…” he looks so sad-- like he’s about to cry. You feel so guilty. You’ve really messed everything up by being here, “I'm really sorry that it worked out this way, Sif.”

You shrug. This is all your fault, really. You had the chance to avoid all this for them.

He bolsters, "I promise, we’re going to beat the King, we’ll save Vaugarde before you even know it, and we’ll find you the best healer in the country!!”

“The best one in Dormont, certainly, it’ll be the least they owe us,” Odile mutters.

You don’t see why Dormont would owe you, considering you aren’t doing anything, but you’re sure whatever healer you end up getting will take good care of you. Or at least, try their best.

The atmosphere is… weird, as you walk to the border of the curse. Everyone seems split between staying quiet, reassuring you, or making light jokes like everything is really fine. You like the last one the best, but every time you shoot back with a joke of your own, everyone goes back to being awkwardly quiet.

You hope that Mira and maybe some others will be able to find the time to say bye to you, if you live. You hate the idea of your last minutes with them being awkward and uncomfortable.

Minus Bonnie, your last minutes with them could have been good, if you weren’t greedy, if you didn’t want more--

The curse is a little bit past Dormont’s borders, through the forest. You ignore the twisting dread in your gut. You wanted this.

The border is completely lightless, and horribly silent. Any animals here are either frozen, or have run away. All you need to do is walk forward for ten seconds or so, and you’ll be frozen.

Mira’s crying, and so is Isa. You feel so bad.

“Siffrin, I'm sorry, but-- can I hug you?” Mira sniffles.

“Sure,” you say, and the two of you hug. She must know that you need one, and it’s so nice of her that she’s willing to overcome her distaste of touching you to do it. It’s all too short, but you savour it anyway. Isa can’t bring himself to hug you, but he still gives you a quick shoulder pat, squeezing it comfortably.

“I'm really gonna miss you while we’re up there, Sif,” he sniffles, his voice breaking. Stars, he sounds so sad.

“I'll miss you too,” you say, even though it’ll be impossible for you to.

Odile swallows, “I'm sorry that it’s happened this way, Siffrin,” you don’t know what to say in response to that.

You want to stay, you want to linger in this awkward, uncomfortable goodbye, but you can’t take up any more of their time than you already have. You need to face the music. You turn and start walking towards the border, waving at your friends as you leave.

They all look so sad, looking at you. You hope they won’t still be sad when they have their sleepover. You wish you got to talk to Bonnie one last time.

The cold immediately lets you know that you’re on frozen ground, and you have just enough time to look down and see the lightlessness climb up yo u  r     l      e         g --

1

Your back hurts.

Chapter Text

1

Your back hurts. Stars, are you going to have to deal with the contractions even when you’re frozen?

Wait-- you can move? You’re not frozen? A contraction builds, less painful than before. Stars, did they beat the king so quickly? Unless being frozen really just feels like an instant? You feel much better for all the people who got frozen at the beginning of all this.

You open your eyes, and frown. You’re in the field you woke up in this afternoon, or-- the afternoon that you got frozen. How did you get here? You were under the impression that you’d wake up where you were frozen, and no one would have been able to move you without getting frozen themselves, so-- how did you get here?

"--frin! Siffrin!"

You look up at Mira, who looks down at you with a smile, “are you alright? Were you taking a nap? That’s smart, you need all the rest you can get.”

“Huh?”

“... You’re still half asleep, aren’t you?”

You stare up at her.

“O-oh, I'm sorry, I interrupted your nap, didn't I? Of course you’re grumpy! Sleep for as long as you need, okay? If you can’t find any of us in the village, then we’ll probably be in the clocktower!” and with that, she leaves.

… what?

Why was she acting like nothing happened? Like the last time you saw her, she wasn’t crying, watching you be frozen? What she said felt so familiar-- didn’t she say almost exactly the same thing when she woke you up from your nap this afternoon??

It’s like-- you looped back to the moment you woke up, for… some reason? Is this what happens to everyone who gets frozen? But if that’s the case, then this can’t be real, because you may not know how time works, but you know that literally everyone who ever got frozen being sent back in time just… wouldn't work? Logistically??

So-- is this a dream?

Another contraction hits. Not as bad as they had been getting when you were frozen, but enough to make you wince. It leaves quickly, only in a few seconds.

If you were dreaming, then your body wouldn’t be betraying you.

No, the only thing you can conclude is that you were just… sent back in time when you got frozen. For some reason.

… So, can you change things? You don’t know what you would change, though… Maybe you can avoid upsetting Mira, this time? And Bonnie? But-- other than avoiding being frozen, you don’t know what else you could do. Your being frozen was literally the best outcome for everyone, so why are you back here?

Okay. Maybe… This is a one time thing. Maybe. Maybe the next time you get frozen, you’ll just… stay frozen?

If that’s the case, you might as well go and freeze yourself now. Though… What if they wonder where you are? And they try to unfreeze you? And then you have to answer their questions about why you froze yourself? It’s not like they know what’s happening, yet…

Maybe you should talk to Odile first, and tell her what your body is doing. Then she’ll give you the okay to freeze yourself, and you’ll save the party hours of time!

… Maybe that’s why you looped back? You wasted too much time and something went wrong? Without knowing how the party fared when they fought the King, it’s hard to say.

You force yourself to sit up, shifting uncomfortably at the heavy feeling in your pelvis. Is it because of what’s happening? It shifts, no less active than before. Still alive. For now, at least.

You sigh. Get up, Siffrin. You have a country to get frozen in.

You walk into the village, spotting Mira sitting on a bench, looking through some papers. She blinks when you walk up to her, a little surprised, “o-oh, you’re up! Do you need anything?”

Did she say the same thing last time? You’re pretty sure she did… so-- are you actually right?? You looped back?

Whatever’s going on, you don’t want to make Mira worry, so you smile, "I'm fine,” what did you say last time? You can’t remember, so distracted by the… everything that happened, “where’s Odile?”

“Oh, she’s in the store over there. Are you going to go talk to her?”

You nod, feeling… restless, for some reason. Apprehensive.

Isn’t there going to be a--

Oh, ow ow OW. You predicted it!! Who says your memory is bad!! You were able to hide it from your expression as well!! Mira smiles, oblivious.

“Oh, if you’re going to talk to her, can I ask you for a favour?” The sleepover thing? You nod, “Since we’re going to fight the King tomorrow, I feel like we need to make this night special somehow, so I was thinking, w-we could do a sleepover! We could all eat good food together, sleep in the same room, maybe tell stories! That would be nice, wouldn’t it?”

That would be nice. If you were going to be in a position to attend… Wait, didn’t you make her upset with your lack of enthusiasm last time? You can’t make that mistake again!! “That sounds like an AMAZING idea, Mira!”

She beams! “Yeah? Oh, I'm glad you think so!! I was worried it might be too much, but if you think you’re up for it, then great!! I’ll tell everyone!!” zyou will NOT be up for it, but she doesn’t need to know about that yet, “and can you tell Odile, when you see her?”

You nod. So she only asks you to tell people you’re already going to see? Hypothetically, could you avoid it by not telling her you’re going to talk to anyone at all? Not that you want to get out of helping her!! It’s just. You think you were accidentally smart. You just tested to see if you could change things, and, you can.

So you probably could get out of being frozen, if you wanted. But that would be painful and a massive inconvenience for your friends and you would die, so. You’ll just stick to the original plan.

“I’m looking forward to it, Mira. See you!” She happily waves you goodbye, and you head up to the store.

“Odile,” you greet her, like last time, you think.

“Oh, Siffrin. You look well rested, that’s good. Do you feel alright?” if Mira didn’t confirm it, Odile definitely does. If she were aware of this in any capacity she wouldn’t be talking to you as if nothing happened.

But-- you know what happened, you remember, you can fix the stupid mistakes you’ve made! You can make today as perfect and smooth as it possibly can be.

“No, I think I'm having a stillbirth.”

You’ve never seen Odile do a double take before, “wh-what?” Or heard her stutter.

“Uh… did I use the word right?” you ask, suddenly filled with doubt.

“... No, that’s-- are you bleeding?”

You shake your head, “but, um. I’ve been having cramps. Contractions.”

She seems to relax a little, “okay,” she lets out a breath, “gems, Siffrin, don’t-- I'm sure you’re not in labour. You’re likely experiencing false labour.”

A little bubble of hope in your chest. You can have false labour? Is that what's been happening all this time? “How do you know they’re false?”

“Well, I'm no expert, but the fact that they’re happening when you’re only twenty weeks is a sign,” she taps her chin, "I don't believe they’re as painful as real labour contractions are. And they should go away after a few minutes.”

The bubble pops, “they’ve been happening since I woke up this morning,” yesterday morning…? “It only started to really hurt after my nap.”

Now she starts to look worried, “that’s… Yes, that’s certainly a cause for concern. We should find a healer to check up on you, just in case, but try not to worry, Siffrin.”

Try not to worry? She wasn’t saying anything like that to you last time, “... Why not?”

“Well-- I'm not that knowledgeable about this sort of thing-- this may still be false labour. I think as long as you don’t start bleeding, or your water doesn’t break, I don't see why we should worry unnecessarily.”

Your heart sinks. Your water is definitely going to break. But how are you supposed to know that? You had no idea it was coming until it happened. There’s no way to prove to Odile that you know this isn’t false labour.

Tears prick your eyes, and you angrily ignore them, “... Won’t all the healers be in the House, though?”

“... Right, most healers are Housemaidens in Vaugarde, aren’t they?” she lets out a tense sigh, “still, there must be a retired Housemaiden, somewhere. They couldn’t have all been in the House.”

…

She takes you outside, and tells Mira the news. You didn’t get to see her react to this last time, and you feel guilty-- all Odile said is that she suspects that you’re probably in false labour but you might actually be in labour, and Mira’s still so worried. How did she react when Odile told her that you were definitely in labour??

“Are you bleeding? Is the pain coming frequently and lasting a consistent length?? Does walking make it better???”

“No, yes, no,” you say, wishing you could give different answers, and Mira frets even more.

“Oh, that’s--!! Um, oh, that’s really not good…” she glances at you, “ I mean-- I'm sure it’s fine!! It’s just-- all of the healers were in the House when it was frozen…”

Odile frowns, “surely there’s one healer who wasn’t in the House? Someone who’s retired, or just happened to be out of the House that day?”

“W-well, maybe?? I don’t know of anyone, though.”

Odile sighs, pinching her nose. "I'll look.”

Your eyes widen-- that’s what took so long the first time!! “You don’t have to, I’m sure you’re right, it’s just false labour--”

“No, better safe than sorry. I’d rather bring a Housemaiden to a false alarm than leave it late.”

“I agree!!” Mira insists, and you try not to wilt. She has a mission to think about and a sleepover to plan, why does she want to drag this out?? ”Um. I'll take them to the tower? If that’s where you want to be, Siffrin?”

“I can go myself,” you smile, determined to not bother anyone more than you already have, “you can go back to looking at your papers, now.”

Her smile grows strained, “no, I’ll take you to the clocktower! I insist.”

You can never say no when she insists on something. You follow her, angry at the waste of time. If Odile just believed you, you could’ve been frozen by now. How much time will be wasted before they all believe you?

Mira immediately sits you down on the bed, which you’re glad for, because another contraction is starting to really hurt. You hide it the best you can but she still frowns, “are you having a contraction right now?”

Hesitantly, you nod.

“O-okay, um-- let’s time it, actually,” she pulls out her pen and paper, and you blink at her.

“Time it?”

She nods, “that’ll help me determine if this is a false labour contraction or not!! If you are actually in labour, then-- then the contractions will be consistent in length and time apart, though they’ll slowly get longer and closer together.”

Another bubble of hope you weren’t even aware of pops. Your contractions have definitely been really consistent, to the point that you can start to predict when one will happen. Sure, you’ve experienced this twice now, but-- still.

You breathe in, and out, and the contraction eventually passes.

“I-is it done? Okay, so that was only about twenty seconds.”

Only twenty seconds??

“Um, so I guess we’ll see when the next one comes? A-and if they’re regular enough, then…” she swallows thickly, visibly bolstering herself, “you’ll be okay, Siffrin. I-if Madame Odile can’t find a healer, then-- I’ve taken classes on this sort of thing! S-so I’ll help you the best I can, I promise!”

Didn’t she mention something like this before…? “You took… giving birth classes?”

“... Pretty much? I mean-- I took classes about giving birth, n-not giving birth classes,” what’s the difference? “And-- I know Isabeau took similar classes for his Defender training! S-so we would know at least a little bit… Um-- that’s even if you’re in labour, anyway, you might not be, this could just be a really stubborn case of false labour!”

It’s not. It’s not. You’d scream it from the rooftops if you could. It’s not false, it’s real, your body has failed the task it took upon itself, and now the fetus is dying, at the worst possible time.

You breathe, pushing down the awful lump in your throat. The odd hazy numbness that cushioned you before is slowly receding, and you will it to come back. You can’t let yourself cry-- you’re trying to make this loop perfect. You squeeze your coin in your fist. It gives you some sort of comfort, reminding yourself that this is all out of your control. You can only follow.

“... Siffrin?” Mira asks, so tentatively.

Your throat aches with the lump in it. You don’t want to talk about this, “why did you take classes about this sort of stuff?”

“Oh, um-- I just found it interesting? It’s one of the biggest changes our bodies can do without any sort of body craft, if everything goes well. And it’s just--” she blushes, a little bit, “... Cool.”

Didn’t she say something else… something about a parasite? It’s coming back to you now, “you liked making people feel more comfortable when they were pregnant.”

She smiles, “I really did! But that was only one small part. I-- was also expected to assist with births as well.”

“... Did you?”

“... I supplied the towels to a couple of births…?”

Well, that’s more experience you have, at least.

You must have done something wrong, because Mira’s face suddenly screws up, tears welling in her eyes, “oh-- I’m so sorry, Siffrin, I wish I knew more-- if I had just taken a few more shifts, studied harder--!”

“You didn’t know this was going to happen??” Why is she blaming herself?? The real answer for what to do with you is obvious, anyway. Can you just say it out loud? You don’t see why you can’t just say it out loud, “... Maybe… Maybe we can just fr--”

Something inside of you gives way.

You!!! Forgot!! About that!!! And now you’re soaked all over again!!! On the bed!!!

Mira gasps, moving away from you because you’re gross and disgusting, and then she looks up at you, her hand over her mouth with that same awful expression, so horrified, and so sad--

Humiliated, you throw yourself off the bed, gathering up the sheets and the duvet and stars it’s soaking in the mattress this is a whole bed that you’ve ruined now there’s not enough beds for everyone!!

“Siffrin?? Siffrin!! I can clean that up, you don’t have to--”

“I can do it, Mira,” you say quietly, because you’re afraid that if you try to speak louder you’ll end up screaming.

“Siffrin--” she tries to tug the blankets from you, “do you understand what just happened? Do you know what it means--”

“Yes!!” you snap, and you both freeze. Stars, how could you shout at her? Why are you making everything so difficult? Why didn’t you blinding remember?

Another contraction comes, and your thighs are slimy and warm and you’re messing it all up, this was supposed to be perfect. You were supposed to sort this out, get frozen as fast as possible so the party could rest up, focusing on the mission, not you. Why did this have to happen now? Now, at such a vital time for everyone else, when they needed as much manpower as possible? Now, when it’s so early, when you wanted more time to think-- when you were just starting to think that maybe you--

Maybe you wanted--

You start to cry. Heaving, ugly sobs, and you can’t stop it, you don’t want to upset Mira, make her pay more attention to you than you’re already forcing her to, but you can’t stop it. You distantly hear her say something kind and soft, slowly taking the blankets away from you, and you’re crying too hard to stop her.

Stars, you can feel yourself leaking, still. You can feel it running down your leg. You’re so disgusting, you’re awful, you’re vile. How can Mira even stand to be in the same room as you?

"I'll take care of this, okay?” you hear her say, so distantly she may as well be at the end of a tunnel, “why don’t you clean yourself up? There’s a bath in that room over there.”

You’re too upset to even think of a way to stop inconveniencing her. You nod curtly, wanting to sink into the ground and disappear. You stumble over to the bathroom, getting out of your messy clothes, and climb in the bath, turning the water on. You can hear her cleaning in the background.

Stars. You’re so useless, you’re so pathetic, you can’t even clean up your own messes, you can’t even keep a fetus alive. Another sob breaks out of you. Your fingers shake as they press into your belly, and you feel it press back.

You don’t understand, it seems fine, it seems fine, it’s moving around, it’s knocking the air out of your lungs and stepping on your bladder, like it always has. Why is it going wrong?? What did you do wrong???

A fresh swell of pain fills your chest, and your chin wobbles and tears fall down your cheeks and you aren’t aren't aren't going to think about it!!!! Just-- just get it over with. Like Odile said.

This isn’t fair.

You were just starting to feel ready to choose.

You lose track of time to your own misery. All the while, the fetus moves, like it’s mocking you.

Someone knocks on the door, and you lift your head to see Odile, who frowns down at you, “... Mirabelle told me what happened. I’m sorry, Siffrin.”

Why are they all so sorry? None of them knew that you were thinking about keeping--

…

From there, things unravel the same way they did last time. Mira gives you a pad, and one of her skirts-- a lightless one instead of a darkless one. So that’s the skirt she’d rather you wear.

The only thing you do right is reminding everyone that Bonnie is in the room, and this time Mira takes them out. Odile tells you the plan again, and you agree easily. You’ve saved… Maybe two hours of time? Your only task was to save time and make this easier on the party and you’ve barely done that. What was the point of being sent back in time if you don’t really change anything?

Mira and Bonnie aren’t where Isa and Bonnie were, and you elect to not say goodbye to them, walking with just Isa and Odile to the border. Mira’s skirt swishes at your ankles.

It’s… Different than last time. More tense. Awkward. There’s no conversation as you walk up to the border, and when you pause to say goodbye, Isa doesn’t touch you.

He’s still crying, though, and it makes you feel awful. You’re supposed to make him laugh, not cry. Odile doesn’t change, apologising to you, for whatever reason. Stars-- you might have saved a few hours, but this is inarguably worse than last time. What if this is it, and this is how you’ve wasted your last few hours with them? What if they don’t even want to see you after you’re unfrozen?

You march into the frozen border and squeeze your eye s  s h   u       t--

Chapter Text

2

Your back hurts. You’re in the field again.

Okay. So that didn’t work. Honestly, you’re kind of glad it didn’t.

You sit up, staring angrily at the trees ahead of you. Really, what would you lose, walking into the frozen border? You didn’t want to do it last time because you were afraid that it would waste the party’s time, but-- obviously they won’t believe what you say until your water breaks, and that’s too late to be useful.

Either you’re unfrozen when the party defeats the King, and have to face a lot of questions, or you wake back up in this field. Either way, you’ll learn something new.

You get up quickly, or as quickly as you can in your state, and beeline towards the trees. You barely make it, hearing Mira call for you just as you enter the treeline. Hopefully she didn’t spot you.

It’s kind of nice to make the walk without bearing the guilt and awkwardness of your friends following along beside you. Walking into the frozen border by yourself feels less like you’re being marched to your execution and more like you’re willingly following the Universe to where you’re supposed to be.

Plus, you’re in far less pain, and in much higher spirits knowing that the pain won’t get worse from here.

The frozen border is starting to become familiar. You take the time to watch it for a moment. Over the course of a minute, it consumes a rock you were looking at. Just slow enough to let your guard down, just fast enough to catch you unawares.

Luckily for the curse, you’re willing to do all the work for it. You step past the border and si t   d  o     w        n       -

3

Your back hurts. You sit up.

Okay. So this is a whole thing. Maybe you should start keeping track of how many times you’ve looped, so you don’t get confused?

Loop three. You’re on loop three. Being frozen will obviously send you back to this field, no matter if you involve your friends in it or not.

So. What happens if you don’t freeze at all?

Immense pain. Ruining the day of literally everyone around you. Giving birth to a dead, half-formed fetus before dying because you don’t have a real healer. You don’t want that. You don’t want to do that.

But-- obviously Odile’s solution won’t work!!! You can’t just keep looping over and over. Clearly, the Universe wants you to tough it out and just give birth, and--!! Your throat clogs up, but you force it down. You force it all down. No matter what you’re not going to be pathetic this loop. You’re not going to force everyone to comfort you!!

Just-- accept it. Accept it. This is where the Universe has led you. All you can do is follow.

You’ll just go to the clocktower and tough it out. And-- whatever happens, happens.

"--frin! Siffrin!" Mira calls for you, right on cue, “oh!! You’re up!” she smiles brightly at you, “good morning, or good afternoon, I guess… what were you doing?”

“I was taking a nap,” you slowly stand up, hoping the cloak hides the way you shift your hips. You’re still not used to that weight in your pelvis.

“Oh! How was it? On a scale of one to ten?

You’d forgotten, honestly, but you can make a guess, “a solid five. Completely average.”

“Is that a good or bad thing…?”

You shrug awkwardly, “it’s the best I can usually get, nowadays.”

“Aw, I'm sorry! I hope you get a better sleep in the clocktower tonight!! Being in an actual bed must help… oh! That reminds me!” you blink, mildly surprised as she tells you about her sleepover idea. Maybe because you’re already up she didn’t feel pressured to let you get back to sleep the way she did before?

Still, you know exactly what to say now, “that sounds like an AMAZING idea, Mira!”

She smiles, pleased. You smile back. You love being able to make her happy. She’s under so much pressure, and you’re about to ruin her one attempt to make the day lighter. If there’s one upside to this weird loop situation-- you could learn the best things to say and how to stay out of everyone’s way. You could be perfect!

Ow… You suck in a slow breath, trying not to think about how this is only the beginning. Though being perfect would be nice… Here’s hoping this loop will be the last one.

“What’re you doing now?” She asks.

“I think I’m just going to go to the clocktower.”

She frowns, “oh, are you feeling okay?”

“Yeah, I am!” You hurry to assure her, “I just want to be somewhere darker and quieter for a bit. I’m still sleepy.”

She relaxes, “of course. I’ll see you later, Siffrin!!”

You smile as she waves you off.

Okay. Go time. This time you’re prepared, you’re ready. You go up to the clocktower, and immediately run yourself a bath, bringing your change of clothes. Technically, you won’t actually need a change of clothes since you won’t be getting them gross in the first place, but-- unfortunately, you do have to concede to Mira and Isa’s point about… access now that you’re determined to see this through. At least you know now what skirt Mira would prefer you wear. Even though it’s lightless, and will hide stains well, you hope that this will be relatively mess free and you won’t bleed. Well. After the whole ‘water breaking’ thing, anyway.

Which won’t be a problem this time, because you’ll be doing it in the bath. No clean up required! And the warm water will help with your contractions.

… It’s hard to not think about the things you don’t want to think about, in the bath. It moving inside of you doesn’t help with that.

You get out of the bath and find your knife and a piece of wood to carve, settling back inside. There. When you carve, you always think about nothing.

Please be good, please be good, please be good, you mutter under your breath, the woodshavings floating on top of the water.

You don’t even notice when your water breaks, you just notice the texture of the water changing in between your legs-- and the smell. Sweet in a way you can’t decide is pleasant or not. What even is it? It’s called water, but it’s clearly not the same thing. It’s also called amniotic fluid, but you have no idea what that actually is. Maybe you should have actually picked up a book about pregnancy, back when you were trying not to think about it. Stupid.

It’s when your water breaks that your contractions start teetering on the edge of what you can comfortably tolerate, you realise. It helps a little, to time them, like Mira did. Something to think about other than the pain and-- everything else.

Pleased that you’ve managed to avoid humiliation and a mess, you step out of the bath, changing into your new clothes. You’re getting used to the swish of the fabric around your legs, but it’s still a little novel. Even though you’re not going outside this time, you put on your cloak anyway, finding comfort in it. Ow.

Stars, you’d really like a tonic right now. You know your friends have some in their bags right now, but-- they need that for tomorrow. But also. You really want some relief.

… Maybe just one tonic. One of the weaker ones, one that’s kind of a hassle to carry around. You pick out a sour tonic, sipping at it slowly.

It hurts, it still hurts, stars, it really still hurts, but the tonic keeps the pain under the limit of your pain tolerance, so you keep drinking it, trying to distract yourself by carving out of the window instead. You see your friends approach in a group, and they wave when they spot you. You wave back. They all look so happy. And you’re about to ruin their evening…

“Hi, Siffrin!!” Mira says as she enters, “how was your… Oh, how come you’re wearing my skirt?”

You. Forgot to consider how this would look to her!! Being offered Mira’s skirt is one thing, but just WEARING it without her permission??? Stars!!! You’re so entitled and selfish!!

“Um--” for a brief moment you feel the urge to just not tell them that you're in labour, but logically, you can’t. The pain is bad now and it’s only going to get worse, and you won’t be able to hide that, “um. I'm in labour.”

The room goes horribly silent.

Then all the adults descend on you, asking frantic questions-- stars, you’ve never had the three of them confront you at once before-- still, you just barely manage to stay afloat, answering the same questions they always ask.

Their faces fall when you tell them that your water has already broken.

“Oh, Siffrin…” Mira whispers, and you don’t look at her expression. Bonnie stands to the side, looking upset. They’re probably mad that you’ve just ruined their sleepover. Fair.

“Okay,” Odile says, almost… Shakily? “I’m going to find a healer. Mirabelle?

“UM, I, already tried that?” You say, in the hopes of saving her time.

She frowns at you, “and you didn’t find one?”

Mira pales, “… All of the healers here are housemaidens, and they’re all…”

“And why didn’t you tell one of us that you were in labour while you were looking for a healer?” Odile snaps, and you blink. Why does she sound so mad?

“M’dame, now’s not really the time…” Isa mutters, and she lets out a tense sigh.

“I’ll find a healer,” she mutters, and leaves.

A contraction hits, and you slowly sit down. That was-- just shy of seventeen minutes since your last one. You breathe, counting in your head. It lasts for twenty seconds, and then it leaves. You open your screwed up eye to see Mira and Isa looking down at you, so sad-- stars, you’re tired of making them sad. And poor Bonnie just looks upset and uncomfortable. You hate how long this has dragged out-- longer for you than for them, but-- still. You just want this horrible experience to end already.

“Have you been drinking a painkilling tonic?” Mira points to the empty one on the stand.

You wince, “I only took that one-- I made sure that it was the weakest one.”

“N-no, take whatever you need to help with your pain!! Um-- did the sour tonic help…?”

You shrug guiltily. It hasn’t made your pain worse.

“That’s cause you need a stronger one, stupid,” Bonnie digs in their bag and tosses a tonic at you, and you barely catch it in time.

“Bon!” Isa yelps while Mira takes the tonic from you.

“Um, that’s-- that should be the right kind, actually. Okay, you should take a sip of this once every half hour. I-it should help you get on top of the pain, but if it doesn’t, um, tell me?”

You nod, and take your sip, a little sad you don’t have unfettered access to pain relief anymore.

“U-um, so, I know it’s a little ways off, but where would you want to, um… give birth?”

Is it giving birth if the fetus won’t be alive? What if you die before you even get to that point? What does it matter where you are? Though, actually, somewhere that’s easy to clean up would be good. Maybe somewhere that doesn’t even need to be cleaned up? Outside? That… actually sounds kind of nice. Even if it ends up happening during the day, you’ll be watched over by the stars.

And if you die… you won’t get lost.

“Outside?”

Mira blinks, “really? Why would you want to give birth there?”

OH it’s stupid and you shouldn’t have said anything.

Her eyes widen, “I-I MEAN!! I mean, I'm sorry Siffrin, I wasn't judging you!! I’ve just, never heard that preference before??? Most people want to give birth on a bed or in a bath…” Why in a bath??? “I’m sorry, I shouldn't have asked!!”

“It’s fine!!” Stars, you just keep blinding this up!!!

“Y-you sound like you know what you’re talking about, Mira," Isa blessfully distracts her.

“O-oh, um. I have to help with births sometimes as a Housemaiden.”

“Then why don’t you make them give birth??” Bonnie mutters, “why is Dile looking for a healer??”

“Oh, Bonnie, I'm not experienced enough to give them the help they need. U-um. What about you, Isabeau? Helping people give birth in emergencies is what Defenders do, right?”

“... I’ve been trained, but I've never had the opportunity. And the training was more centered around it, uh… actively happening.”

“Right, in the circumstance they couldn’t reach a House in time,” Mira lets out a shaky sigh, “If anything happens… if you were in my House, Siffrin, Manon would probably be in charge of your case-- um, they’re the head of the birthing department. She’d know exactly what to do…”

Hearing that doesn’t really make you feel any better, for some reason. You don’t want to hear about how you could have had a good healer. That option is gone. Out!!

Another contraction hits, and you let out a tense sigh. Iseabeau’s hand hovers over your shoulder, you wish, silently, that he would squeeze that one muscle in your back that’s killing you. Of course, he doesn’t hear you.

Frustrated, you go back to the window to continue carving.

You don’t know what you were imagining whenever you’ve imagined birth and labour in the past, but there’s a lot more waiting around than you expected. Your carving starts to look a little too much like a baby, and you toss it out.

You wish you could figure out how to be less of a blinding burden. Everyone else is stuck waiting with you, and no matter how many times you insist that they go back to doing what they were doing, they never do.

Finally, Odile returns, looking even angrier than when she left, “I couldn’t find a healer, not one healer in this shattering town that can deal with--”

“M’dame,” Isa says, glancing over at you. You have no idea why, you’re doing perfectly fine, leaning against the windowsill and rocking back and forth for reasons that have nothing to do with the horrible contraction seizing its way through your body.

“Gems,” Odile says when she looks at you, for some reason.

Mira runs up to her, hissing updates to her out of earshot. Sure, just talk about you while you’re in the same room. You don’t care. Your contraction reaches its crest, and you slowly slide against the wall and onto the floor, because that’s just what you happen to feel like doing.

Isa offers you a drink of water with a gentle smile, and you take it,“i-it looks like this is going to take a long time,” he murmurs.

Odile sighs, “yes, you’re right. I suppose I was hoping this would be a quick experience--” the words. They’re the same. You have the urge to clean, just for something mindless and active to do, but there’s nothing to clean. Maybe you can tell Bonnie to make a mess…?

Odile walks up to you, “okay, Siffrin, we need to talk about a plan.”

You nod, knowing exactly what she’s going to say.

“I… I couldn't find any healers for you. Even if I did, the specialty tonics we need are all in the House. Mirabelle, do you think…?”

Mira bites her lip, “I… I'm really worried about complications.”

“With there being two days until we can get any real help… There’s a chance you could die. We're of course willing to help you endure this, and help you with the aftermath, but at a certain point, we must go and stop the King, or else we’ll all freeze. Siffrin. I’m saying this because I think that this is the option that will result in the best outcome, with the least amount of pain for you,” she takes a deep breath, “I want to freeze you.”

The gravitas feels much more unnecessarily dramatic when you know what she’s going to say.

Even though you have no other choice, you still hate yourself when you say, “no.”

She twitches, “S-Siffrin, I understand why you’re hesitant. It’s an inane idea, but I've given this a lot of thought. It'll essentially put you on pause. We’ll be able to deal with the King without your condition worsening,” you’ve heard all this before. You wait for her to finish.

When she stops speaking you shake your head, “I, I-- no,” you can’t even think of a good reason not to do it.

“Siffrin--”

“He said he doesn’t wanna do it, Dile!! They’re not stupid, like you!” you!! Forgot to get them out of the room!! Why are they always so quiet!!

“Don’t call me names, Boniface,” Odile pinches her nose, “but-- it’s reasonable to think that this is a stupid plan. But Siffrin, I think this may be the only plan. None of us are skilled enough to help you, and expressions forbid you experience complications and--”

“They said they’re not doing it!!!!” Bonnie shouts, and you wince, rubbing your ear.

“Bon. Volume,” Isa says, gently, and Bonnie twitches, glancing back at you. You smile at them, trying to let them know it’s fine, but you’re not sure if they saw it.

“I… I just want to get this over with,” you tell the closest thing you can to the truth, because you can’t think of a good enough lie, "I don't want to be frozen.”

“A healer can use tonics to speed this up-- and freezing may feel like an instant to you--”

“He’s not. Doing it,” Bonnie hisses with more vitriol than you’ve ever heard from them-- enough to make Odile frown. To their credit, they didn’t shout.

"but--"

"Madame," Mira hisses. 

Odile looks at Mira, then looks at you. You sigh, “I'm not doing it, Odile.”

She stares at you for a long moment, with an expression you can’t possibly decipher. … upset, maybe…? But no, that doesn’t fit her. You don’t understand what she’s feeling, only that the weight of her gaze is nearly too much to bear.

After an eternity, she nods, almost imperceptibly, “then let’s make you as comfortable as possible.”

Mira determinedly nods, “we’re going to get you through this, Siffrin!!”

You watch, resigned, as they start… preparing, you guess.

To your surprise, Bonnie sits next to you on the floor. They’re not looking at you, but this is the closest they’ve willingly been to you since-- everything. You look over at the other adults as they frantically debate what to do with you, now that you’ve made it clear you’re determined to be as big of a problem as possible.

Risking it all, you murmur, “I didn’t mean to mess up the sleepover.”

“…Huh? How could I even care about that, stupid?”

Oh, were they not as excited for it as you thought? You clench your teeth, and shift as another contraction rolls through you. You really want to hide it as much as possible, but it’s so hard. It hurts so much.

Bonnie watches you, but they look away as soon as you glance at them.

You close your eyes shut, and pretend very hard that you’re somewhere else, maybe somewhere you don’t have a body to feel pain with.

When you open them, Mira is watching, with a worried expression.

“Is it getting worse?”

You shrug. It’s hard to tell if they’ve been getting worse or if you’re just running out of patience for it.

“Do you want to sit on the bed instead of on the floor?”

Actually… yeah. Though, easier said than done. Moving is awkward when you’re not in pain-- it feels borderline impossible now that you are. You wish that someone could grab your hand and haul you up, but as it is, you have to stiltedly manoeuvre yourself upwards using the wall as leverage, and everyone watches you-- stars, you must look like you’re playing it up.

At least sitting on the bed is easier. The moment you sink into the mattress, you immediately flop sideways onto it.

“Aw, Sif…” you hear Isa murmur. You wish you could stop existing.

Time blends into pain as you lay there, waiting for something to happen. Why is so much of labour just waiting for something to happen?

When the pain recedes enough for you to look at the party-- you find that to your horror, they’re also sitting around, waiting for something to happen!! Stars-- they have things to do!! A sleepover to start!! A fight to prepare for!! You look out of the window and see that it’s already getting dark. You bite your lip, “why don’t you start the sleepover?”

“Frin, I told you we're not DOING that,” Bonnie snaps.

“I concur, why on earth would we do that?”

You blink. Wasn’t that the plan…? Why would they suddenly cancel the sleepover? “You’re all just sitting around…”

“S-so?” Mira frowns.

You shrug, “…So, have the sleepover. Might as well do something instead of just waiting,” and Mira was so excited for this-- you can’t ruin this for her!!

Isa looks far too upset for what you’re asking of him, “I don’t want to have a sleepover when I know that you’re in pain, Sif??” You wave your tonic at him.

Odile frowns, “…Eventually that’s not going to help.”

A beat of silence, and you think of what to say to convince them. You just don’t want to ruin their night-- you’ve already ruined everything else. And-- is it so bad that you want to have some fun?? As much fun as it’s possible to have, at least. At the very least, it’s something to think about other than yourself and your miserable body.

Mira stares at you for a while, biting her lip, “U-um. We can have one. If you want to, Siffrin.” You perk up.

“What?? Seriously, Mira??”

“Yeah, what!!”

“Um!! It’s what we do sometimes!! In the House!! If someone is in the latent stage of their labour, then there really isn’t much to do other than wait?? S-so, we do things! Like this! A-and it can be good to focus on other things in a moment like this, you know?” Yes!! You nod frantically.

Thank the stars, your friends seem to consider her point.

“Alright,” Odile says, her teeth gritted, “let’s have a shattering sleepover.”

For the first time in several loops, you get to do something new.

Chapter Text

3

You inhale your samosa, feeling like a fella starved. It’s-- technically been ages since you’ve actually eaten, though you’re not sure if it counts because your body had lunch before you went to nap. You think. Still, your body somehow has the room to remind you that it’s hungry even with everything going on with it, and you’re too weak to resist right now.

You don’t really want to resist. The food is delicious. It’s almost worth the tense atmosphere that everyone is ignoring.

“Ph-phew, Bon, you-- you outdid yourself, there.”

“You can just say if it’s bad, you know. I won’t get mad,” Bonnie mutters.

“No, no, no, it’s really good!! I promise!! You’ve really outdone yourself!!”

“It’s the perfect sleepover dinner, Bonnie!”

It’s clear Bonnie doesn’t believe them, but they don’t say anything further, crossing their arms. They glance at you, but quickly turn away when you look up. They bring their gaze over to Odile, who’s… in a bad mood.

Still, she begrudgingly nods and makes a sound of appreciation, “you’ve really outdone yourself tonight, Boniface.”

They glance over at you again, and you nod enthusiastically before they can look away. You can’t really bring yourself to do more, even though that’s probably what they want.

Still, even when you can’t even be bothered to cheer them up, they turn away with a little smile on the corner of their mouth, “duh, OBVIOUSLY my cooking is good now that I have an actual kitchen.”

“It was really good!!” Mira grins, “I-I’m sure it’ll give Siffrin the energy that they’ll need!” Ugh. Seriously? Why does she have to keep talking about you? Why can’t she just focus on the sleepover?? Everyone’s trying to have fun, but they all keep looking at you and saying things-- you agreed to the sleepover partially in the hopes that it would distract them from you, but-- you think that you’re distracting them from the sleepover. Why do you have to ruin everything?

You angrily finish your samosa, and follow it up with a drink of your tonic--

“S-Siffrin!! It’s only been ten minutes.”

You bitterly swallow the little bit of tonic you’d already drank. You keep drinking too much. You’re supposed to only take little sips over the course of an hour to avoid overloading with craft while still staying on top of the pain, but the thing is, it feels like the tonic is barely touching your pain. You don’t know what to do except drink more.

Bonnie piles even more samosas on your empty plate, and you gladly pick one up, taking a big bite. Isa frowns, “aw, you’re still hungry?”

“Duh, Belle said they NEED it.”

“I’m surprised you can even fit more samosas in there,” she mutters. It doesn’t sound like she’s joking. You get it. You’re being profoundly uncooperative at the most critical part of the journey, after having done nothing but slow them down on the way here. She’s probably regretting ever meeting you at all.

You don’t want to be doing this, you’d freeze yourself if you could, but you can’t, and you don’t know what else to do--

Stars. Another contraction. It cuts right through you as if you’d never had any tonics at all, and you’ve long lost the ability to hide it well. Everyone goes silent as you grit your teeth, curling over yourself. Stars, your back. You’d think it was broken if you didn’t know what was going on. You press your hands against it, squeezing the muscle as if that’ll soothe the pain. You can’t get a good enough angle, but maybe if someone else-- stars. Just count. Thirty seconds. Fifteen minutes since the last one. You’re not even sure what you’re counting towards, but it makes you feel better, anyway. When you look up, everyone is staring at you. Stars-- why can’t they just focus on the SLEEPOVER?? The fun thing that’s supposed to be happening???

Odile is the first to stop staring, heaving a heavy sigh, "I think it’s time we talk about what’s going to happen tomorrow,” she crosses her arms, “obviously, Siffrin won’t be able to come with us.”

Your heart lurches, “no, I can come!!”

Everyone gives you a look that’s more incredulous than you feel you deserve, “Siffrin??” Mira blinks, “W-we don’t even know if you’ll be, um, done by the time we leave?”

“I-it won’t take that long, will it?” there’s a whole night between now and when you’ll set off-- surely it’ll be over by then?? This can’t last longer than a night.

Though-- that’s if you’re even still alive to come with them…

Mira winces, “w-well, judging by the length of your contractions, you’re progressing really slowly… I wouldn't be surprised.”

Your stomach twists in dread, “but if I stay, then I'll freeze.”

Bonnie’s eyes go wide, “you’ll freeze?”

“That’s only if we lose!” Isa insists, and you twitch. You didn’t mean to imply that they wouldn’t win!!

“At that point, it would be putting you out of your misery,” Odile mutters, “I’m sorry, Siffrin, but we’re not budging on this. You’re not coming with us. Absolutely not.”

You can’t stop yourself from glaring at her. She glares back.

“U-um, and, Siffrin, even if you did give birth before we left, I… I don't think you’d be in any shape to fight at all,” Mira squeezes her palms together, “there’s such a high risk of complications, and w-we don’t even have the resources we need…” her voice goes watery, and she trails off. You bite the inside of your cheek. You don’t care what state you’d be in if you live-- you don’t care if you’re in agony, you don’t care how you would feel after your body doomed the fetus to die-- you just don’t want to freeze!!

But-- what if you’re still in labour, like Mira thinks? You’re barely functional now… How bad will it get? Cold, icy fear spreads in your body at the thought, and you take in a deep breath. The only way out is through, so who cares if you’re afraid? Who cares if you don’t want to die? Who cares if you’d decided that you actually wanted the-- who cares? You tried to take the easy way out, and the Universe made it clear that’s not an option.

Mira is probably right. You’ll still be in labour when they leave, so you’d just be a burden. And-- and Isa’s right, that they’ll win and you won’t be frozen. You’ll be fine. You’ll be fine.

Maybe this is a good thing. You’ll get to be alone as you face whatever comes out of your body. Whatever meets you at the very end. You won’t burden anyone or scare them. Really, it’s a good thing.

… You still feel sick and bitter at the thought.

Odile sees the resignation in your face, “I’m sorry, Siffrin, but-- it’s the best we can do, in these circumstances,” because you won’t let yourself blinding freeze is loud and unspoken, “now that’s settled, who is going to stay with them?”

You blink, “why would anyone need to stay with me?”

“Wh-- you can’t be completely alone, Siffrin?? Leaving someone all alone while they’re giving birth is-- is--!!” Mira can’t even seem to find the words for it.

“Even if whoever stays with you isn’t a healer, anyone being there to help you is far, far better than having no one.”

“S-Sif-- even discounting that-- don’t you want someone to be there to help you manage the pain? To-- to be there for you afterwards? So you won’t have to be alone after-- this?” You hate how soft Isa’s voice is.

“I can do it alone,” you mutter quietly. No matter how you feel-- the country matters far more than one idiot who forgot what contraception was. And being alone means that you can be-- ugly. You could cry and scream and get your gross fluids everywhere and do whatever you want with the dead thing your body ejects without anyone hating you afterwards. And you could die, without anyone feeling bad.

“I can stay with them,” Bonnie mumbles, and you do a double take.

“No?? I don’t want a kid around!!” they twitch, their shoulders climbing up, and-- stars, that came out wrong.

“I’m not a little kid!” they snap “I know I can’t help much in fights and stuff, so if Frin needs me, I can--”

“No, Boniface, it’s reasonable that Siffrin would want another adult around. If anyone stays, it should be me, I'm the weakest of the group--”

“But--”

“You’re not, M’dame?? With all these Sadnesses roaming around, Mira needs someone who’s well rounded in their craft, and I just hit stuff! Plus, I’ve taken a class on delivery when I was training to be a Defender, so really I should--”

“No--”

“Y-you can all stay!!” Mira waves her arms, her eyes wide, “please, none of you come if you don’t want to!!! I promise I’ll do my b-best to--”

“Mira--”

“You’re all being DUMB,” Bonnie snaps, and that silences everyone enough for you to get a word in edgewise.

“What are you all even talking about??” you bite out, “Mira needs all of you-- if you fail to beat the King, then-- we all freeze.”

Her lip wobbles, “b-but I can--”

“... No, Mirabelle,” Odile pinches her nose, “as much as we all want to stay… I'm afraid that Siffrin has a point. You need everyone,” you nod, glad that you and Odile are back on the same page, “that--” she stops talking when you can’t keep your face from screwing up in pain as a contraction slowly grows.

Stars. On top of the pain in your back and hips, your chest aches. You wish someone would rub your back. You take a frantic sip of a tonic, and have to grit your teeth to stop yourself from growling when someone pulls it away before you can drink as much as you want to.

You feel your face heat up when it’s over. Did you actually just growl at someone? What’s wrong with you?? You don’t even want to find out who took the tonic from you…

“... As I was saying,” Odile mutters, “that still doesn’t mean that we have to leave you alone. When I was looking for a healer, there were a few people who offered their support, despite their inexperience. I could ask them--”

“No, I-- I don’t want a stranger with me,” you can barely tolerate the idea of a healer, let alone the idea of some poor inexperienced stranger being forced to help you??”

“But we can’t leave you alone!!”

“Why not?? I-I mean-- I get why you’re worried about complications, but-- even if there’s someone here, they wouldn't actually be able to do anything without specialty tonics, right?” Everyone is silent in response. You pull on a smile, half to assure them, and half because you sense that you’re winning the argument, "I'll be fine, everyone! You really don’t need to worry about me!” and you won't be breaking your promise, because you’ll likely be dead by the time they come back.

“Wh-- how can’t we worry about you?” Mira’s crying-- why is she crying? “I can’t imagine how you’re feeling about this-- how could I leave you alone? Abandon you??” She hugs herself, tears rolling down her cheeks, "I wish we didn’t have to deal with the King-- I wish we could stay with you!! Change, there’s nothing I'd rather be doing than helping you through this, Siffrin.”

Everything inside of you squeezes, and you can’t tell if it’s a good feeling or not. It’s… the fact that they want to stay with you, is-- it doesn’t even matter how it makes you feel, because it’s bad!! She needs to save the country, and you’re ruining it for her!!

Isa rubs her back as she cries, “yeah, I think-- I think that’s something we can all agree on…”

“But regardless, that’s not the reality we’re living in,” Odile sighs, "I understand why you don’t want an inexperienced stranger with you at such a vulnerable time, but the way I see it, there’s only one other option, for you.”

… Huh?

“... Freezing you, Siffrin.”

Oh-- stars, your brain just isn’t working right now. You grit your teeth and shake your head.

“Then you’ll need to tolerate being helped by strangers. If I were in your shoes--” she takes a moment to shudder at the thought, “ugh… I'd feel reluctant, too. But I would also understand that it would help my party members focus on their mission better knowing that I'm not alone.”

Oh. You… didn’t think of it like that. Would they really all be so bothered by you being alone that they wouldn’t be able to focus?

“How about a compromise?” Isa leans forwards, “maybe we can ask someone to check up on you every so often? Just to make sure you’re doing okay?”

You frown, “but won’t they be busy with the party? And drunk?”

“There’s some people who're staying sober! We can ask around and see if anyone’s willing.”

That’s still someone you’re inconveniencing the whole time they’re supposed to be enjoying themselves… but the idea does seem to appeal to Mira. Her tears are slowly drying up as she looks hopefully at you.

“... Okay,” you mutter reluctantly.

“Okay,” Odile says with a sigh, “let’s see how tonight goes, first.”

You’re starting to think that it’s too much to hope that this all ends tonight.

“I’ll go find some volunteers now,” Isa starts to stand up.

“But-- I won’t need them until tomorrow?”

“N-no, it’s a good idea,” Mira sniffles, “it’s better for people to be prepared than for them to be surprised tomorrow.”

“Precicely. Doing it now means it won’t cut into our preparation time tomorrow.”

Their facts and logic doesn’t calm the slimy guilt in your gut.

After Isa leaves, it’s not long before everyone gets ready for bed. You lie in bed miserably, not feeling even slightly able to sleep. Stars, you’re already on their second strongest tonic, and it’s just getting worse and worse--

How bad is it going to get? How bad is it going to get??

You need stronger tonics, you know it in your bones. Dainty little sips of a sweet tonic every half an hour isn’t going to cut it, but no one will let you have more. Surely any negative effects you’d get from drinking too many tonics in too short a time is overshadowed by relieving this pain??

Your thoughts spin as your body periodically seizes in agony. You toss and turn and toss and turn and toss and turn, and no one says anything, but you can tell you’re keeping them awake. Your skin aches. You feel so alone. With a sigh of frustration, you get out of bed, and Mira immediately shoots up, “are you okay is it happening??”

It’s almost funny, “no, I'm just going outside. I'm too restless.”

“I can come with you--”

“You need to sleep.”

“B-but--”

“He’s right, Mirabelle,” Odile sighs, her arm laid over her eyes, “unfortunately, we need to be as well rested as possible. Siffrin will wake us up if something happens, won’t he?” she looks at you sternly.

“... Yes,” you can’t even bring yourself to sound convincing. You’re not even sure if you’re telling the truth or not. Mira frowns, deeply unhappy, but she’s the saviour of Vaugarde. There’s not much for her to do other than accept it, lying back down. Even so, you hate how bad she clearly feels about it. She really, really shouldn’t. You take a deep breath. Maybe try not being such a black hole? “I’ll be fine, Mira, really. I just don’t want to keep you guys awake.”

That just makes her look more upset?? Stars, just leave before you ruin things any more than you already have.

Outside is nice. Cool. Peaceful. And you can quietly groan in pain to yourself. You lean against a tree, listening to the trickling sound of the nearby river.

It moves inside of you. Is this painful for it? How long will it live outside of you before dying?

Is it raining?

No-- you groan in frustration, wiping away your tears. You’ve already had your cry about this, so no reason to keep crying!! You just need to stop thinking about it-- which is hard, when it’s constantly moving inside of you, but!! You need to do it!! Because you can’t function otherwise!! There’s no time to be crying-- not when your body is killing you trying to get it out!!

“Oh, uh-- Sif? You okay?”

STARS!!!

You shove your face in your hands, trying to wipe your tears away, but of course, it’s too late.

“H-hey, it’s okay!! I mean, you can cry in front of me, that’s fine!”

Isa’s so nice. There’s nothing you want more than to break down sobbing, but you’ve cried enough, and you’ve already embarrassed yourself in front of Mira, even if she doesn’t remember it. You keep pulling yourself together.

Isa shifts from foot to foot, rubbing the back of his neck, “r-really, it’s fine if you need to… I'm surprised you aren’t crying more, really? Uh-- I can go, if you want! Crab, I should've said that earlier…”

“You can go,” you mutter reluctantly. Really, you don’t want him to go. You want him to sit next to you and rub your shoulders and back and hold your hand and tell you it’s going to be all right--

But he has a country to save tomorrow, so obviously you can’t ask him to do that. And he’d just spent all that time looking for someone to help you. Don’t be so blinding greedy. What’s wrong with you?

“R-right, of course. Uh, but before I go, I just wanna tell you that I found some people who’re gonna be sober and are willing to help you. Someone even offered their house, but I told them you’d probably want to stay in the clocktower,” you nod.

“Thanks, Isa…” you sigh, it’s so late and he’s going to be so tired tomorrow, “you didn’t have to do that.”

“Of course I did, Sif! Y-you’re in such a vulnerable place right now, I-- I really hate that we have to leave you,” he crosses his arms, frowning, “it’s not fair.” You shrug. Who cares if it’s fair or not? It’s what’s happening, "I'm so sorry that things have turned out like this, Sif…”

Stars, he’s going to make you cry again. You grit your teeth against the tears, and stay quiet.

“Uh-- is there anything I can do for you? Or, get for you?" Hug you, hold you, massage your aching muscles, reach into your body, tear through your skin and pull It out, finally free you-- “o-oh, crab, I said I’d leave, didn't I? Sorry! I’ll leave you be, now. But don’t hesitate at all to wake me up if you need help. Or anyone else! I'm serious, Sif.”

You nod, looking up at him. You hope he can’t see the ugly feelings stirring up in your chest.

He nods a little to himself at whatever he sees, “okay. I’ll see you later.”

It’s hard to not hate him as he leaves. He has the blinding audacity to do it slowly, like he’s reluctant to. Stars.

You end up spending most of the night outside. Being outside just feels better than being inside, and you can walk around and pace and groan, and catch fitful snatches of sleep in between the horrible agonising pain. Stars, you’d never imagined this would hurt so badly-- you’d never bothered to imagine it period. It feels like you’re being stabbed, it feels like your bones are breaking, like you’re being torn out from the inside, and it hurts, it hurts, it just hurts.

Somehow, on top of all this pain, your very skin aches. All you feel is the absence of someone with you. All you want is to be held, to have your hair tied out of your face, your sweat wiped from your brow, and you hate it, you hate that you want it when there’s no one around who can-- or even blinding want to give it to you.

At least you can be ugly. You can cry and groan and make humiliating noises to your heart’s content. And-- there’s no one to stop you from drinking the rest of the sweet tonic. You try to pace yourself, but without someone stopping you, it’s gone in a few gulps. You feel the redundant craft pool in your chest, making it ache. It barely touches the pain.

Stars-- you’d never imagined giving birth would hurt so much. There are so many kids, how could so many people subject themselves to this level of torture?? What’s so blinding appealing about it???

Someone-- someone had to do this for you. Someone went through this pain for you, so that you could exist.

You hope they weren’t too disappointed with the wasted effort.

Stars, you’re never doing this again. You’re going to buy a notebook and fill it up with reminders to never have sex and get pregnant again, because your body will change without your permission and you’ll have to go through all this agony and not even get to keep the fruit of your labours afterwards because your body is so blinding SELFISH!!

Hours fall through your fingers like dust. You imagine very hard that someone is holding your hand. The sun starts to peek over the horizon, and you’re still exactly the same as you were. You’re so tired. You’re so tired. You lean miserably against the building, trying to hide against the sun’s gaze, and the door suddenly opens-- you’d startle if you had the energy left for it.

You see Odile poke her head out, whipping it around until she spots you. She lets out a sigh, “there you are. Gems, when I realised you weren’t inside--” she pinches her nose, "I wasn't expecting you to stay out here all night."

Where else would you blinding be?? Stars, just shut up. You close your eyes, feeling completely wiped out, “didn’t wanna bother you,” you murmur, “you need sleep.”

“... None of us slept well, regardless. Perhaps you should have stayed inside.”

You can do whatever you want, “I like it out here,” the stars were nice to look at, in between the pain. In some small way, you weren’t alone.

“Has anything progressed?”

“... My last contraction was… fifteen minutes ago. They've been lasting for about thirty five seconds,” you’re still not sure what the right numbers are supposed to be, but they clearly mean something to Odile, who sighs.

“Gems,” she pinches the bridge of her nose, "I'm sorry, Siffrin.” You clench your jaw, trying to push down the irrational rage. Why does everyone keep apologising to you? Are they the ones doing this to you? Are they trapping you?? If they're not, then they should just shut up about it and if they are—

… You’d wonder what you did to make them hate you so much.

“Are you amenable to coming inside?” Odile's words cut clean and sharp through your scattered thoughts, “Boniface is making breakfast.”

You frown, “it’s too early for them.”

“They couldn’t sleep.”

Why not? Are they really that worried about today’s fight— You feel a contraction build, and you have to wait for it to pass before you can get up. After spending all night being able to whine as much as you wanted, you have to bite the inside of your cheek to stay quiet, squeezing your eyes shut. Odile leans against the doorframe as she watches you.

“You’re very quiet,” she says when it’s finally over. You blink up at her, “even when you lost your eye… you didn’t make a sound.”

“I think I may have been too unconscious for that,” you mutter, resisting the urge to roll your eyes. Eye.

“Oh, you weren’t, not while we were transporting you,” really? You don’t remember that at all, “you must have been in so much pain, and yet, not a peep.”

What’s even the point of this? “That's good, isn’t it? Less scary for Bonnie.”

She frowns at you, “... One could look at it that way, yes.”

You don’t get what she means, and you don’t care to solve her riddles. You stand up to follow her, and thankfully, she seems done with whatever point she was trying to make, walking inside with you. Everyone looks at you when you walk in, and you try to ignore it as you sit down for breakfast. You have no idea how to decipher any of their expressions. You swallow past the angry tears trying to climb up your throat. You didn’t even know tears could be angry.

Stars, why is everything making you mad? The tense silence, the awkward conversation that fizzles into nothing-- and stars, the blinding crying-- it all makes you so angry you have to grit your teeth hard to keep yourself from saying something you won’t regret.

Why are they crying? They’re not the ones in labour, they’re not the ones who won’t get to have a-- they’re not the ones who’ll blinding die.

…

Okay. They might die. They’re still going off to kill the strongest man in Vaugarde, but-- you know they’ve got this. They’ll save Vaugarde, and then this will all be over.

Stars, you need this to be over.

“Siffrin,” Odile says as everyone is about to leave, “last chance.”

You blink at her.

“… to be frozen.”

Stars. You don't say anything. You're scared of what you would say.

“Dile!!” Bonnie snaps, “Stop asking!!”

Odile swallows thickly, “just— you know where the border is, just go there if you can’t do this anymore. If you’re not here, we’ll look for you there once we win.”

With any luck, they’ll never find your body.

Mira gives you a tonic, and explains that the people who’ll check on you will bring the rest of the tonics to make sure you don’t drink too much and overload yourself with borrowed craft, and you try not to hate her for that. Stars, that’s so mean to think, it just hurts, it just hurts. You can’t even focus on the goodbye. People say things, and you think it’s directed at you, but you don’t even have the energy to listen, let alone respond.

For this goodbye, no one touches you.

The door closes, and you’re alone.

It's nice to be alone, despite the aching emptiness in your chest. You can be ugly, again. But— being in agonising pain is also so boring. You try to keep yourself busy, in between contractions, you try to carve, you try to tidy, you try to read, but you have no patience for blinding anything, and regular, mounting pain shatters any concentration you have.

Time stretches into eternity, and yet, it feels like no time at all has passed when the first stranger walks in.

An older man, who smells like cinnamon and dough. He doesn’t linger, giving you the tonics that you need, and verifying that you’re alive, and nothing has changed. You sense that he’s a little uncomfortable, and you wonder why he even agreed to this. You’re glad when he leaves.

Half an hour later, another stranger comes, someone a little younger, and she’s more concerned than the one before. She gives you water, tries to talk to you, and even gives you some extra tonics your friends didn’t give her, which you’re in too much pain to refuse. They’re weaker, so they won’t overload your body with craft, but you’ll take anything. You spend her time there silently willing for her to leave-- you don’t want to tell her how far along you are, how you feel about this, no, you don’t want a blinding massage from her--

Eventually, she leaves. Before you can even get used to being alone again, a new stranger comes in. This one is the oldest, old enough that you feel bad that he had to climb up the stairs to get here. He’s by far the most nosy and irritating. Ignoring the other one worked after a while, but he seems completely undeterred by your total lack of willingness to entertain him. Even when you get frustrated enough to snap at him, he still rubs your back when a contraction overwhelms you.

You hate how nice it feels. You hate that it’s a stranger comforting you.

The three of them come in a cycle, and eventually, you get overwhelmed enough that you stop noticing that they’re there at all.

Nothing exists but this miserable pain.

Fourty seconds, thirteen minutes.

Fourty seconds, thirteen minutes.

Fourty one seconds, thirteen minutes.

Fourty one seconds, thirteen minutes.

Fourty one seconds, thirteen minutes.

Fourty two seconds, thirteen minutes.

At some point you catch sight of the clock. It’s past the time you woke up yesterday. Your body has been in labour for over a day. You don’t want to think about how long you’ve been in labour.

Is it supposed to take this long? Is this one of the complications everyone was worrying about? Your stupid miserable body decided to eject It too early, and then it can’t even be quick about getting It out?? You hate your body-- you loathe it-- you try to dig into your skin to let your body know what you think of it, but a pair of hands stops you.

Fourty two seconds, thirteen minutes.

Fourty two seconds, thirteen minutes.

Fourty three seconds, twelve minutes.

Fourty three seconds, twelve minutes.

Fourty four seconds, twelve minutes.

Fourty four seconds, twelve minutes.

Fourty four seconds, twelve minutes.

You see a flash of light through the windows. Stars, you’re in so much pain you’re hallucinating.

Fourty four seconds, twelve minutes.

Fourty four seconds, twelve minutes.

Fourty four seconds, twelve minutes.

Fourty four seconds, twelve minutes.

Fourty four seconds, twelve minutes.

It’s been a while since anyone’s been here to check up on you. Your arms scream in pain from the punishment you inflicted on it. You don’t know when the hands stopped trying to restrain you.

In between the waves of pain, you bring your blurry gaze to the door, waiting for the next interloper to bother you, when you see the door

Slowly

Become

Lightless.

Your heart lurches, and you shoot up, slamming into reality. The door’s lightless, the walls are lightless, the curse is here-- slowly approaching centimetre by centimetre.

But-- the party was supposed to have beaten the King by now-- they were supposed to save Dormont before the curse reached you!!! Stars, you can’t be frozen, you can’t be frozen you can’t do all this again--

The curse doesn’t care. It inches forwards, so slowly, a predator stalking you, taking its time because it knows you’re trapped.

You stumble over to the furthest corner of the room, hoping, praying to the Universe that they’re about to kill the King, they’re this close to doing it, they’re going to stop this, they’re going to save you, they’re--

The curse touches your foot, and you choke bac k      a           s    o         b            --

Chapter Text

4

Stars! No!! No!!! You can’t be back here!! You can’t do all that again!!! You can’t!!! You can’t!!!!!

Your back hurts, your back hurts, and it’s only the beginning, and tears are leaking out of your eyes, and you’re breathing too fast, and you can’t let Mira see you like this. You stumble upwards, rushing over to the forest to hide and panic.

Stars, stars, stars, stars!!!!!!

You can’t do that again, that hurt so blinding much, you can’t, you can’t--

What were you even supposed to do!!! How do you avoid getting frozen like that!!! You stayed, you pushed through, you got out of the Saviours’ way as much as possible and-- it still wasn’t enough!! They still didn’t beat the King in time!!! How are they supposed to beat the King if you keep looping back before they can??

Stars-- you just need to not freeze. How blinding hard is that?? Stars, you were stupid, assuming that Dormont would be safe. Of course it wouldn’t!! Of course it wouldn’t!!

The-- the only true safe place is the House. It’s already frozen, but the curse is old and inactive there. It was the first place to get frozen, and so, ironically, the last safe place in the country.

You… Need to go with the party.

Your throat clogs up with tears at the thought of having to feel that pain again, but-- it’s fine!! This will be the last time!! There’s no reason that going into the House won’t work! You just-- need to do this all over again, while on your way to fight the King!! It’s that simple!!

But-- how are you supposed to convince them to let you come? Because Odile made it clear that she and the others weren’t going to let you go.

Stars, will you--

Will you have to hide it from them?? Somehow??

A contraction hits. It’s barely painful, but it’s foreboding, a warning of what’s to come.

… You have no choice but to hide it. You can’t keep getting frozen. You can’t keep doing this.

You take in a deep, shaky breath. This will be over soon. It’ll all be over soon.

Mind made up, you leave the forest and walk to town, greeting Mira.

“Oh, there you are!” she smiles. If there’s one nice thing about these loops is that you get to see her happy again, "I tried to find you in the field, but you must have finished napping.”

“I couldn't sleep so I just wandered off.”

“Oh, I'm sorry to hear that! That’s a shame, you need all the rest you can get for tomorrow. U-um, while you’re here, i wanted to tell you about an idea I had for tonight?” and just like that, she launches into her usual lines. You nod and encourage her in the right places, and soon enough, you’re freed from the conversation.

A contraction happens just after you leave-- so you got through that quicker than usual. You don’t let yourself react to the pain, walking over to the clocktower. Bath. Letting your water break. When you get changed, you go back into your usual clothes-- Mira would just ask too many questions if you did otherwise.

You look at the tonics. At this point, they did help, but-- when they stopped working, it hurt so much more than it would have if you hadn’t taken it. Plus, they won’t know that they’ll need to buy more like they did last time. Missing tonics would make them suspicious. You’ll… you’ll have to tough it out without them.

That’s fine. You can be tough. You’ve toughed out losing your eye! You toughed out travelling around the world! And whatever happened to you before or during that! You’re a tough fella!

You only need to fool them once, anyway. Just once, and you can finally finish this.

You’re bored, but at least that you’re not in so much pain that it’s impossible to distract yourself. Just enjoy not being in terrible pain.

Stars, this loop needs to work.

You hear your friends climb the stairs, and you force yourself out of your fetal-- your curled up pose of pain. You need to look as bored and sleepy and totally not in any pain as possible.

“Oh! There you are, Sif! We were wondering where you were,” Isa smiles when he sees you.

“I just wanted to nap inside.”

“Oh?” Mira frowns, “are you feeling okay, Siffrin??”

OW!!! The universe hates you!!! Your body hates you!!! You barely manage to keep yourself from visibly reacting, “y-yeah, of course, Mira. Why wouldn't I?”

“It’s reasonable that he’d feel more tired,” Odile says, “we’ve got a big day tomorrow.”

“Whatever!! I brought a bunch of food!!”

And just like that, everyone’s attention is off you. No one is looking at you sadly, or hovering over you, or hating you for ruining all their plans.

You’re just… fading into the background again. It feels so nice. You’ve so missed being normal, not-in-labour-Siffrin.

Bonnie is diligent about setting up dinner, and before you know it, you're munching quietly on a samosa, trying your best to focus on that instead of on the contraction that’s ripping through you, and the movement of It inside of you.

“Phew, Bonbon, that was de-li-cious.”

“You keep getting better at cooking, Boniface. Those samosas were delicious.”

“Really? It wasn't bad? You liked it?” they believe everyone so much easier this time, “I-I mean. DUH of course it was delicious!! I'm a master cooker, you know!!!”

“Chef,” Odile smirks.

“I'm a chef cooker!!!”

The vibe is so much nicer when you don’t ruin it. Everyone is so much happier, and Mira is so happy, enjoying her sleepover without having to waste her time and energy thinking about you!!

And no one is even paying that much attention to you!! Before, you couldn’t hide any contractions at all, but with their attention off you, you’ve found that you can hide your face in your cloak and hat if you really need to let out a wince. And it just looks like you’re being your usual shy self! This is great!

You eat and eat and eat, your stomach bottomless. You know that you’ll need the energy later.

Suddenly, Mira stands up, and you look at her in interest. She didn’t do this last time.

“Um, everyone… can I... say something? Um… We... We've all been traveling together for a while now. A-and, it hasn’t been easy…” She glances at you… “but meeting you all, traveling through Vaugarde with you all, getting the Orbs-- there's no way I could've done this alone. I... I want to say thank you. Thank you so much for coming with me this far!” She swallows thickly. She keeps glancing at you for some reason, and it’s making you feel uncomfortable, “B-but tomorrow, we'll go and fight the King, a-and stop him from freezing Vaugarde. And I'll do my best to make sure that won’t happen! B-but, if you don't want to come, if you want to go back home, I would--”

“Kind of late for that, isn't it?” Odile smirks.

“I-I know-- I--”

“And by that, M'dame Odile means that we're with you!”

“Of course I do. We've come this far, after all.”

“Did you really think we'd leave you behind? Let you go alone?”

“We'll follow you, Belle!!! We'll help!!! Don't worry!!!”

“We'll stay with you, Mira,” you say. Everyone turns to look at you, and your stomach tightens. Why are they all looking at you???

Mira looks at you with big wet eyes, “a-are you sure, Siffrin? You of all people I’d understand if you’d stayed behind--”

“Y-YES!! I want to come along, Mira!! Don’t worry!!” You say, maybe a little too frantically. Stars, they don’t even know you’re in labour, and they’re still trying to ditch you?? Are you that much of a burden??

Well… yeah, you are.

Before you can assure her that you’ll do your best to not be a waste of space for once, her eyes grow big and wet, “oh… oh thank you, everyone!”

Mira, Isa and Bonnie all end up in a big hug. This is where an audience would go awww. Pfft. watching someone try and fail to give birth to a dead fetus. What a horrible, boring idea for a play.

Everyone gets ready for bed, and-- and you can’t even pretend to sleep. It’s agony just keeping your twitchy legs still. Even if you manage to doze off, a contraction wakes you up. That’s ignoring Its movements-- but you can’t leave-- they’d get suspicious.

Maybe-- maybe you can wait until everyone falls asleep? And then you can go outside.

You just need to hold on until then. And get inside before Odile gets up. You squeeze your eyes against a rising contraction. Stars, stars, stars STARS.

“Hey... hey Sif. Siffrin. Siffarooni.”

WHAT does he WANT.

You turn around to face him, looking so so normal as a contraction ravages you.

He seems a little surprised by whatever he sees.

“Um, sorry? To wake you up? A-are you tired?”

You are. Very. But no sleep will come, so he might as well just tell you whatever he wants to tell you. You shake your head.

“Oh, g-good, I wanted to tell you something,” You wait, and he seems to take a moment to… hype himself up? What? He never even implied wanting to tell you anything before?? And suddenly it’s so important he needs to work himself up to it??

It’s probably bad news. Though, you don’t know what news could be worse than what’s happening to you right now. It wiggles inside of you, upset that you’re lying still.

“Um! So, I wanted to tell you-- um…” Just spit it out?? “Um… be careful tomorrow, okay?” Seriously??? That’s it?? “You can take care of yourself, I know, but-- promise me that you’ll be careful?”

You slowly nod.

He lets out a sigh of relief. “O-okay. And. Um. I’d. I'd love to have a talk with you. At the end of all this. Nothing bad!! I--”

You jump as a pillow hits his face, and Mira and Bonnie yell at him. Odile threatens them into silence, and it’s quiet, it’s so quiet, and it hurts so much, and you don’t know if you’ll be able to keep any sounds you want to make inside of you, and in this blinding silence you can’t risk that.

When you’re sure that everyone is asleep, you get up and tiptoe out.

There. Another moment of reprieve. Who knows when you’ll get one of those again. You’re free to act as much like a bab-- as pathetic as you want out here.

Stars, you wish, wish, wish you had a tonic-- you thought that the tonics weren’t helping, but you’re realising now that they very much were-- but you can’t take any from the supplies without the party noticing!!! And no shops in Vaugarde open at night for some inane reason!!!!

Stars, this is your fault. This is all your fault. You have no one to blame for this pain you’re feeling other than yourself. It takes an eternity for the sky to lighten, the sun just about to peek over the horizon, and yet, it’s all too soon. Stars, stars, you don’t know how you’re going to do this, you can’t, you can’t--

Deep breath in. Out. You need to do this so that it’ll be over. You need to remember that. It’ll all be over soon.

You make your way back into bed in time to avoid Odile, getting to lie down for all of half an hour before it’s time to get up. Great. It’s fine, no one mentions your little escapade, so you think you got away with that. And everyone looks so well rested this time!

You feel-- excited? Anxious? As you and the party make your way to the House. You’re so close to the end-- you just need to not mess it up. The five of you stand at the entrance of the House, and you listen to Mira talk, clenching your teeth through the pain. You barely remember to raise your orb in time with everyone else.

Mira leads, as usual, and as annoyed as you were when you first lost leading privileges, you’re so thankful for it now. You don’t know if you would have been able to lead everyone through, but this way you can just focus on Mira’s back, and try to be useful.

“WAIT!” you jolt to attention!! “I-- I recognise this corridor!! The Headhousemaiden used to warn us about it… I think-- I think she called it the Death corridor??”

“Oh that sounds bad!” Isa chirps, “good thing Sif’s here!!”

Why did he have to bring attention to you!! No-- no, that’s not fair-- this is literally your job. Maybe try to actually do it, stupid.

It’s so hard to think through the pain, but you don’t see any signs of a trap… it should be fine! You give Mira a thumbs up.

“Are you sure? Are you sure?? This is the Death corridor… there has to be something!!”

You have no brain power to formulate an argument so you continue to hold your thumb up. It’s fine, it’s fine, it’s fine, now can you all move on?? You don’t like being in the House, you’re realising. It was one thing to be in labour inside a safe room, it’s a whole other thing to be in labour in a place where you have to fight and look for traps!! You-- you have danger to look out for, now-- danger that’s not just the curse, and-- no one knows that you’re in labour. And you don’t want them to know, but-- you’re feeling the worst you’ve ever felt, your body absolutely screaming for your attention, and you have no one to watch your back.

You’re not safe.

Belatedly, you realise that everyone else is talking Mira down, convincing her that it’s okay. It’s hard to stay present past this awful contraction-- all you want to do is curl up and cry.

“Frin,” Bonnie says sternly, snapping you out of your daze, “you can put your thumb down now,” you look at the group, and see that they’re ready to leave. Right. Right. Back to it!

You walk behind Mira, trying very hard to stay present. That contraction was about thirty five seconds… so maybe seventeen minutes until the next one? You count out the minutes in your head, tapping your fingers against your belly for each second that passes.

It doesn’t work to keep you present because you’re startled when Isa suddenly speaks. You hadn’t even noticed him drifting to walk closer to you, “you okay Sif?” he murmurs, out of the earshot of the rest of the party. You blink at him, “you’re just a little slower than usual, that’s all,” oops!! You speed up, “ah, I wasn't telling you to hurry up! I’m sure Mira’s fine walking a little slower! I was just wondering if anything’s wrong?”

“Everything’s fine,” you smile.

He frowns doubtfully, “really?”

You smile harder, the absolute best you can, “I'm doing great.”

“... Okay. If you say so,” he says, but he doesn’t look convinced at all.

“Isa,” you say firmly, and he looks at you, serious, expectant, "I feel punderful.”

He laughs, as he always does, no matter how terrible they are, but the worried look doesn’t leave. Does he even like your jokes or is he just pretending? Does he even like you at all? Stars.

It’s so hard to focus, it’s so hard to think about anything other than what’s happening to your body. It’s so hard to keep it all inside. The first run in with sadnesses is a horrible, nauseating surprise, and-- you can’t multitask anymore. Acting normal feels like it’s taking up all your brain power, and you can’t even act as support like you usually do-- all you can do is make sure that Bonnie won’t get hurt. You don’t have the space in your head for anything else.

When it’s over, you’re not sure if you’re annoyed or not when no one comments that you barely helped in the fight. You’re glad you’re not expected to, but-- were you really contributing so little that your absence isn’t even noticeable? You always try so hard…

All that’s real is Mira’s back, and your vain attempts to somehow focus on top of keeping a tight lid on the agony you feel. To your immense relief, it’s time for a snack break before you even know it. Stars, your feet hurt, your legs hurt, your back hurts, your body just hurts. All you want to do is lie on the floor and cry away your misery, but you can’t. You sit down and stay quiet, like a good, normal Siffrin.

You watch, feeling outside of yourself as Odile flips a coin, and it lands on tails.

“... Huh. I lost.”

“Yay! What do I win?" there was a bet happening? Stars, just blinding pay attention.

“The sweet taste of victory and nothing else,” Odile smirks.

“I don’t even get a congrats? Wow, M’dame… I thought we were friends…” Isa pretends to cry.

“We're not friends. We're associates.”

“Not companions?”

“Colleagues. Allies, at best.”

Oh.

You swallow thickly. You thought you were-- stars, and you’d been making them deal with your labour. What is actually wrong with you? No wonder they were acting so weird, they were wondering why their dense rogue was overstepping their boundaries so heavily, whining for help with your weird gross problem like you had any right to.

Stars. Well. You know not to make that mistake again.

“Which one does Frin want?” you tune back in at the sound of your name, and realise that Bonnie’s passing out the snacks.

“Perhaps ask them yourself,” Odile mutters.

“Onigiri,” you mumble, not in the mood, and Bonnie gives you several. You take a bite.

Why is there an apple slice in here……….

Whatever. Food is food. Focusing on the odd taste and texture helps distract you from the pain. Everyone’s voices wash over you as you eat, and you only look up when Bonnie scuffs the floor with their foot, sitting down angrily away from the party. What happened…?

Stars. Focus on what’s actually happening!! Stupid!! You’re not their friend, you’re their ally, so you actually need to be useful for once in their life and focus.

Only, there’s nothing to focus on except your own blinding pain, because everyone has gone quiet!! Great!!

Stars-- stop being such a black hole. You can’t be mean just because you’re in pain, what sort of disgusting monster does that make you? The same way your cloak accidentally hid your pregnancy from everyone, it hides the way you grip and scratch the fabric of your pants, trying to distract yourself from the agony your hips, your back, your mid section your blinding everything is in--

“...Siffrin?” Mira pulls you out of your thoughts, and you twitch, pulling on a smile as you turn to look at her.

“Y-yeah?

She frowns. Why is she frowning?? “Are… are you okay?

Why wouldn’t you be why wouldn’t you be WHAT ARE YOU DOING WRONG-- “yeah? Why do you ask, Mira?” your voice sounds so fake to you-- so overly soft and light because you’re so afraid of cracking and ruining everything if you’re anything less than sickeningly pleasant. You hope she can’t hear the tight undertone of pain in your voice.

She frowns, “y-you’ve just been… much quieter than usual, that’s all. And… not paying that much attention…? I-I understand why you’d have a lot on your mind, b-but-- I really need you to focus right now!!”

RIGHT yes, yes of course, stars, how unprofessional of you-- “I’ll pay more attention.”

She smiles appreciatively, “thank you, Siffrin. I-I’m sorry, it’s just…”

“I get it,” you try to smile. Of course she doesn’t want any dead weight on the most critical phase of her journey. You can’t keep slacking off like this.

But-- slacking off, distancing yourself from your body and what it’s doing feels like the only way you can get through this!! Because as far as you can tell, when you’re zoned out, you don’t act like you’re in the middle of blinding labour!! Which is what you want!!

If you’re focusing, if you’re present, then how do you stop yourself from groaning in pain-- from screaming?  You know it’s only going to get worse from here-- how are you going to stay useful, while feeling the worst pain you can ever remember feeling??

… They were right to leave you behind.

But you don’t have another choice. Just-- you’ll figure it out. You’ll figure it OUT.

You breathe in, and out. You do it again, a little deeper this time. It… actually kind of helps. Just-- count your breathing, count the contractions, and get to the end. All you need to do is just get to the end, and then it’ll all be over.

You focus, and focus and focus, and a strong sadness gets in the way. You focus on protecting Bonnie as much as you can, but it’s hard, because a contraction started and lasted the entire length of the fight. You were too distracted to count it, and the thought sits in your mind like a rock in your shoe. What if something bad happens because you didn’t count that contraction? Stars, you can’t jinx yourself, not now--

And Odile is frowning at you!! Be normal!! You watch as Mira picks up the weird star shaped thing the Sadness drops. Time to focus. Focus, focus focus-- you jump as Mira screams!!!

“WAH! Wh-what? What is it???” Isa glances frantically around, looking for the problem. You do the same, feeling your heartbeat in your entire body.

“That floating water--! That wasn’t there before!!!”

The… floating water. The floating darkless water. Now that you’re looking at them, they’re an obvious threat, one that you should be keeping an eye on--

And you didn’t even notice them until Mira pointed them out…

Isa frowns, “... Is it the water? Should I... not touch the weird floating water?”

“... Wait. This is…” Odile frowns, bending down to pick up a stray rock off the ground. She tosses it on the tears, and-- it freezes.

“Oh!! The rock froze when it touched the water!!”

“Oh, indeed. Do not touch these, we’ll probably end up frozen in time just like everything else,” your stomach lurches. You HAVE to keep an eye out for these, you cannot accidentally be frozen by them--

Stars, what if Mira hadn’t screamed?? What if Isa had run into the water? This is the sort of thing you’re supposed to keep an eye out for and you’re just. Not!!!

“Oh, wait, I've heard about those!” Bonnie pipes up, “The villagers in Dormont told me that being frozen makes you go to sleep, and gives you a super good dream!”

It doesn’t. No dreams, so sleep. Just one moment, stretching on and on until it’s over. It’s not as nice as a dream, but you wouldn’t say it’s bad, either. For those caught by the curse unawares, it’s not a bad experience at all. It’s only bad when you’re scared. Like the last time you got frozen…

“Sif?” Isa murmurs, underneath the sounds of everyone else talking. You glance up at him, trying to be so normal and nice.

“Hm?”

“You okay? It’s… not really in character of you to not notice the tears--”

“I noticed them,” you say, too quickly.

Isa blinks at you, “...oh…?”

“I did. I just--” what, didn’t bother to warn Isa because you’re awful and want him dead?? That’s even worse!! Just shut up!!!!

“You just…?”

“I noticed them,” you hate him for talking to you.

“Okay…” he pauses, and you pray to the Universe that this is the end of the conversation. It doesn’t hear you, “are you okay, Sif? You’re kind of… anything you need to talk about?”

“Nope!” you smile sunnily.

“No…?”

“No.”

Isa frowns, “okay…”

Mira pauses, and holds the crest towards the tears, and they disappear. Stars, you’re so useless, why didn’t you think of doing that?? You’re just dead weight, you’re nothing, why couldn’t you have been left behind--

A contraction, and all your attention immediately goes on not bending over. You barely remember to follow the party when they start walking.

Just focus, count, focus, don’t grimace, focus, don’t make a sound, don’t bend over, keep your eyes peeled, don’t run into Mira’s back, keep your aching feet moving, don’t forget to focus, remember to count, don’t cry, just blinding stay focused--

You were focusing so hard on focusing that you forgot to focus. You’re in a library now. How big is this blinding building?? You need this to be done already.

Wait. There's seats. There’s seats. You can’t even pretend to care about the books when you can sit down. Your body screams in relief as you sink into a chair, and Odile eyes you. You smile at her, and she eyes you even harder, walking over to sit down across from you, “Mirabelle, do you think we could rest a bit?”

“B-but we just rested? We need to get to the King!!” you shouldn’t be resting, you’re awful you need to stay focused--

“I appreciate that, but I’m not built to walk so fast for so long. And I imagine Siffrin is in the same boat.”

… Right. You aren’t the only one being held back by their body. Odile has frequently complained about the aches and pains of her old body. You don’t really think of her as that old, but you guess you can’t help it when your body starts declining.

“O-oh, of course! I’m sorry, I didn't--”

“It’s fine, Mirabelle, we’re resting now, aren’t we?”

“Right. … Sorry,” she squeaks out one last apology, and goes off to explore the books. You wish the right words that will make her feel better would come to your brain, but it’s stuffed full of cotton. Another contraction starts. Breathe. Breathe. Count.

“Siffrin,” Odile says, cutting off your count, “are you alright?”

You shouldn’t feel this angry at her interrupting your ritual. You lost count before this, so it was tainted anyway, “y-yeah! Why do you ask?”

“... Well, you’re sweating a lot, for one.”

“H-huh?” you touch your neck, and find it slick with sweat, “oh-- I-I guess I must be hot.”

“Really? I find it disturbingly cold here, myself,” stars, why is she even TALKING to you why can’t she just leave--

Stop. Being. Mean.

You breathe as deeply as you can. This will end. This will end. It’s not going to be forever.

Odile frowns at you, “... Siffrin. I’m going to ask you again. Are you feeling alright?”

Blind her blind her blind her why doesn’t she just go and pull her eyes out-- " Yeah, I'm feeling fine, Odile,” she doesn’t seem convinced. You smile at her. You don’t think it helps.

“Wh-wha!!!” Mirabelle shouting snatches both of your attentions, and-- oh, she found a key. In a book. Goodie.

You’re barely more than a body they need to drag around.

After the key is required, Mira really wants to leave, so your brief respite ends. Okay. ACTUALLY focus this time. You focus so hard as Mira takes a wrong turn and leads you into an infirmary.

“Change--!! Everything’s all mixed up!!” Mira cries in frustration, “this definitely wasn’t here before!!”

“Hey, it’s alright, Mira,” Isa says soothingly, “we’re bound to find something useful in here.”

“Yeah!! Infirmaries are where they keep all the tonics!!” Bonnie declares, and-- they’re right. Infirmaries are where they keep all the tonics. Including the secret tonics you can’t buy over the shelf.

Maybe-- maybe you can snag yourself something, while you’re here. You split off from the group, looking over at all of the cupboards in the room. Surely, there has to be something.

Most of the cupboards are empty, or just have medical supplies with no tonics. There’s a promising looking one, but it’s locked.

“Maybe there’s a key around somewhere…?”

“Maybe we could smash it open?” you mumble.

“No?? I don’t want to get in trouble, Siffrin!!” you clench your teeth, and ball up your fists. That's fair. That’s fair, you tell the rage that’s trying to rise within you. You’re not going to throw a tantrum just because Mira won’t let you destroy something, even though that sounds so very, very satisfying.

Feeling desperate, you open up a closet, and-- there’s a porcelain doll inside. Broken, with half its face missing.

You find yourself staring at it. It’s so small. It sits, sagging at the bottom of the closet. Abandoned. broken. alone.

Isa frowns, “looks kind of sad, doesn’t it?”

… All of a sudden, it’s taking all your energy to not let your face screw up with tears. You swallow past the painful lump in your throat, and close the closet door.

As you wait for everyone else to be done searching, it finally occurs to you that-- this is where you would be, if everything had gone right. Or at least, if you hadn’t gone into labour so early.

Stars, just one more day, just one more day and you could have avoided all this-- you could have enjoyed your last day with your allies, you could have avoiding blinding inconveniencing them so much, you could’ve been even slightly useful, and you wouldn’t have-- maybe the healers could have--

A contraction hits, and a cry tears itself out of your throat.

The room goes silent.

Chapter Text

4

Stars.

You wince into your collar, before turning to face the party, smiling like you don’t know what’s going on.

Mira frowns, “... Siffrin? Why did you make that noise?”

You don’t know!! You’re so stupid!! You’d been doing so good but it hurts so much and you want to blinding die--

“Sif?” Isa’s frowning, oh stars, he looks REALLY suspicious now-- everyone does.

Especially Odile. She’s frowning at you like you’re a puzzle, and she’s not even trying to hide it, “the way you’re moving, how quiet you’ve been, and how much you’re sweating-- either you’re on some highly unadvised drugs, or you’re in pain. A lot of it,” her face slackens, “you’re miscarrying,” You don’t answer in time, you can’t even bring yourself to act with the level of confusion you’d need to sell the lie, and she marches towards you, "Siffrin. If I'm right, you need to tell me. I told you, anything about your pregnancy, we need to know.”

You can’t make yourself say anything, you can’t give up already, but you can’t think of a lie that would save this--

“Siffrin, are-- are you bleeding?” Mira gently asks, walking up to you, “if something’s happening-- we might be able to help--!”

They can’t help. They’re never able to help. Everything that could help is under lock and key. You don’t know what to say, you’re so tired, you’re so exhausted, you just want this to be over already, you just want to rest and so-- “my water broke,” falls past your lips.

Mira pales, “wh-what? When??”

You can’t even begin to think of a lie, “yesterday afternoon,” Mira’s face slackens with horror, that same awful expression she does every time she realises that your water has just broken. Stars, you’re so horrible, making her deal with this even now you know that you’re only allies. You’re really such a parasite, aren’t you? It has nothing on you.

“Oh… oh no, Siffrin…” she glances frantically around the infirmary, “um, um, maybe if-- maybe the birthing ward is around here somewhere?? It was down the hallway before--”

“You’re in labour? But you’re only twenty weeks along,” Odile frowns, and you grit your teeth. What are you supposed to say to that? Your body doesn’t care how early it is, “why didn’t you tell us when your water broke?” she snaps, “why didn’t you tell us that you were contracting this whole time?”

“Maybe they’ve only just started feeling it? Right Sif?” Isa, Isa, you love Isa, Isa who saves you with lies you’re too stupid to think of yourself.

“Y-yeah, when we were-- it was too late. I-I thought I could just tough it out until we beat the King,” your voice rises hopefully.

“There’s no way that’s happening.”

Your heart sinks, “O-Odile--”

“If you think I'm bringing a party member in labour to a fight to the death, you have another thing coming.”

“It’s not to the death!!” Bonnie snaps, “we’re gonna win!!”

“M-Madame!!” Mira hisses, handing you a tonic, a tonic!!! She squeaks when you take a big swig and snatches it out of your hand, “n-not so fast!! I-I-- oh change, are you in a lot of pain?”

Your entire body tenses. All you can look at is that tonic, “no….”

Isa frowns, “I'm not so sure I believe you, bud…”

Mira’s lip trembles and she’s crying, why do you always make her cry!! “Oh, Siffrin… I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry that this is happening…”

Stars, you can’t deal with this, with her emotions-- you barely have the capacity to keep yourself from raging at everyone. You know, you know you know she’s blinding sorry, she doesn’t have to keep saying it.

“Gems, Siffrin,” Odile pinches her nose, “okay. We can wait until you’re in between a contraction, and then we can find a tear for you to--”

“I don't want to blinding freeze!!!” you snap, slapping your hand over your mouth the moment you realise what you’ve said. Why can’t you do anything right!! You swallow past the lump in your throat and force yourself to calm down, “I. I don’t want to freeze. Odile.”

“Yeah, what sort of stupid crabbing idea is that!!” Bonnie, at least, will always have your back in this matter.

“Boniface, please,” Odile rubs her temples, “so you’d rather sit in this room, suffering needlessly?”

“Why can’t I come with you to fight the king??”

“Why can’t--” Odile scoffs, “Siffrin. You can’t fight. You’re only going to get worse. We’re on the second floor, and you’re barely holding yourself together. What makes you think you’d even be able to walk by the time we reach the King? Or even stand? Why would we bring the biggest possible target to a fight?”

You look at Mira and Isa. Neither of them can seem to bring themselves to disagree. Stars.

You scramble to find a compromise that could work, forcing your cotton stuffed brain to formulate a thought, “I could-- I could wait outside--”

“And slow us down?”

“Stars, I don't want to freeze,” you just want this to be over, you just want this to end, you can’t-- you can’t do this anymore. You feel tears build up behind your eye, and you’ve long lost the ability to hold them back. You shove your face in your hands, walking backwards until you find a bed, sitting down on it. You’re so tired. You're so tired.

Bonnie sits next to you, “you can’t freeze Frin! They said they don’t wanna be frozen, so you can’t make him!”

Odile looks at you darkly, “Siffrin. Look at yourself. Can you even walk now?”

“Y-yes,” you’re constantly fighting the urge to bend over, but-- yes.

“Can you in half an hour? Two hours? Siffrin. At some point we’ll have to leave you behind.”

No no no no no--

Isa steps closer, “b-but being here doesn’t mean you have to freeze, Sif! We’ll beat the King before the Curse reaches the House!”

That’s-- that’s true. You think. You’re only on the second floor, but-- you’re so much closer to the centre than you were in the last loop. Maybe you won’t get frozen.

Maybe-- maybe you can rest now?

The party senses that you’ve given up, and seem to let out a collective sigh of relief. They gather to talk amongst themselves, and you’d feel upset about being left out if you weren’t so, so glad to finally be allowed to express your pain, to be allowed to focus on it. You curl up into a bedpost as the pain crests. You wish Mira didn’t take the tonic from you.

As happy as you are to not have to pretend anymore, you still hold yourself back. You don’t want to make Bonnie too uncomfortable. Even now, they shift away from you.

Lucky for them, Odile grabs Bonnie and pulls them into the discussion. So even the kid ranks above you in deciding what to do with you, with the troublesome, useless rogue-- stars, ow. You don’t care, you don’t even care.

You fall into yourself, trapped in your head and your miserable body. Even now, It still blinding moves. Counting feels pointless after being interrupted, but even so, it feels it’s the only thing that’s real.

You feel Mira sit next to you on the bed, and belatedly, you realise that everyone’s stopped talking. She smiles when you look up at her, though her cheeks are still a bit wet, “are you okay staying here, Siffrin?”

You nod.

“Are you in a lot of pain?”

You nod.

“Do you want pain tonics?”

You nod.

Mira swallows, “o-okay, um-- Odile doesn’t really… trust you to self medicate, in this situation, and-- I’m really sorry, but I agree with her. S-so, um. We’re leaving Bonnie behind with you.”

What? But they’re just a kid-- no way they’d want to do that, not here. You look over at them, and though they avoid eye contact, they don’t protest.

“They’ll give you a portion every half an hour, and I told them when they can move up to a stronger tonic. It’ll be really hard getting on top of the pain at this point, but it’s better than nothing, right?”

“But they’re a kid,” you mumble. They shouldn’t be left to look after you.

“I… I know,” Mira’s voice wobbles.

… You suppose there’s no good place for them to be. Dormont will freeze, and the King will be dangerous. They may as well stay stuck in limbo alongside you. You’ll just try not to burden them as much as possible.

This goodbye is somehow worse than all the other goodbyes combined. It doesn’t help that you barely have the patience to humor their needless apologies and farewells. At least they’re in more of a rush.

There’s a long, awkward moment after the party has left. You lean against the bedframe, waiting for the next contraction, and Bonnie stands, facing away from you, tense and fidgeting.

You… have a feeling you might know what they’re worried about. The adults would have questioned you saying this too much, but with Bonnie… “it’s not going to happen while I'm alone with you,” you say, “you don’t need to worry about that.”

They blink at you, “how do you know?”

“I just know.”

“Oh… okay,” they say, and… you think they relax a little. Another long silence. It’s hard to imagine you used to be able to effortlessly banter with Bonnie, able to irritate them without worrying that they’d…

“... Belle told me what I'd have to do. If it happened,” they frown, “why are you giving birth even though the baby isn’t ready?”

Stars, you don’t want to talk about this. Your body is already in so much pain-- why do they have to go after your blinding heart too?? “I don’t know, Bonnie,” you say, unable to keep the short edge out of your voice. Or the wobble, “it’s just what happens, sometimes.”

“...That’s dumb. Why can’t they stop it?”

“Well, if the blinding House wasn’t frozen,” you mutter bitterly. They don’t say anything, staring at the room. Stars, stop being such a black hole, “... that’s not your fault.”

“I know it isn’t!” they snap, and you blink, “It’s the crabbing King’s fault!! He’s the one doing this to you!!! He’s crabbing everything up!!!” they end with a shout. You’ve stepped on a nerve, like you always seem to can’t help but do, with Bonnie, “it’s not fair.”

“It is what it is,” you mutter. You can only follow.

“That’s STUPID!! Why do you always do this!!! You keep acting like it’s all okay when it’s NOT!!” You stay quiet. You wait for them to start shouting, to start yelling that they hate you.

… They don’t. Instead, they sniffle, walking over to sit by your feet, "I'm sorry,” they say, their voice thick with tears.

You frown, “what for?”

They don’t say anything for a long time.

You start to become resigned to the idea that they won’t say anything else, when, in a tiny, quiet voice, they say, “I-I don’t think that your baby is stupid. I.. I didn't mean it, I don't wish that the Sadness killed you and your baby,” they sniffle, wiping their eyes. Do they really feel that bad about it? That was so long ago when they said that… It feels like another lifetime entirely.

You look away, “it’s okay.”

“No, it’s not,” they insist, their voice thick with tears.

“It-- it really is. I never held that against you, Bonnie.”

“...”

They look away, scowling at the floor. Before you can ask why, a horrible contraction seizes you-- you were so distracted by Bonnie that you completely forgot to anticipate it. You hunch over with a guttural groan.

…Fourty seconds for it to stop. You forgot to count how long it’s been since your last contraction. Stars, it’s all blinded up.

“... I'm not supposed to give you another portion for fifteen minutes,” they say, their voice nervous and quiet.

You have to grit your teeth and breathe hard against the absolute rage that fills up within you. When it passes, and rational thought comes back, you’re shocked by how strong it was. Stars, you felt like screaming at them.

You shove your face in your hands and force yourself to say, “listen. To Mira.”

“What makes her the expert?” stars, are they trying to come up with reasons to give you a tonic?? You can’t be a reasonable adult, right now!!

“She's helped people give birth before,” you force yourself to say.

“Oh. I didn't know that.”

You don’t respond, closing your eyes. You feel ready to pass out.

“... How come you don’t scream?” Bonnie inches closer to you, “our neighbour gave birth at home one time and we could hear her scream from our living room.”

“I don’t want to,” you breathe out, even though it’s a lie. You want to, but you can’t. You don’t want to scare Bonnie.

“No, screaming’s good!! Nille says that you gotta scream to let all the bad feelings out sometimes.”

“I want the bad feelings to stay inside,” you mutter.

“Noo!!!” they huff, crossing their arms, “well what if I scream with you, then. ‘Cause it’s always more fun to scream with someone else,” belatedly, you realise they’re quoting their sister.

… You guess it would be fine. If Bonnie sees it as more like a game, than anything scary. And you really want to scream, “okay,” you sigh. You wait for a contraction to hit, and let out a groan, a little louder than you would normally let it be. In response, Bonnie lets out a scream, and the shock of it almost makes you stop groaning. Then, you scream with them. You scream and scream and scream, and Bonnie’s right there, screaming with you, and it’s so cathartic, it’s so nice, it still hurts, but now you don’t have to pretend anymore--

You pant when it’s over.

“Y-yeah!” Bonnie says, and-- you’re somehow making them happy, in the midst of your pain, your strange rage, “Nille says you can swear if it really hurts.”

“S-so-- you’re not usually allowed to swear?” you manage to say, and Bonnie purses their lips, looking away.

“... Maybe.”

“I-I’ll try that next time,” you mutter, and you do.

“Stars!!!” you shout.

“Yeah!!!”

“Blind it!!”

“YEAHHH!!!”

“St-stars blind the ENDLESS COSMOS!!!!”

“Okay!!!”

“This CRABBING sucks!!!” you scream at the top of your lungs, and by the time you run out of air, Bonnie is laughing.

At least you managed to do one thing right, this loop.

After that, you’ve completely run out of energy. The labour demands all of your attention. At least you made Bonnie a little more comfortable with this, because you couldn’t smother the pain even if you wanted to. It’s so painful to realise, but-- you were going to get caught no matter what. Distantly, through the pain, you feel Bonnie squeezing your shoulders, comforting you, offering you sips of tonics too frequently, but you’re in too much pain to refuse.

Fourty seconds, thirteen minutes.

Fourty seconds, thirteen minutes.

Fourty one seconds, thirteen minutes.

Fourty one seconds, thirteen minutes.

Fourty one seconds, thirteen minutes.

Fourty two seconds, thirteen minutes.

There’s a deafening, terrible sound. Bonnie flinches, “wh-what was that? What was that sound?” they’re looking to you for answers, but you can’t answer, you can’t--

Didn’t you hear something like that before?

Fourty two seconds, thirteen minutes.

Fourty two seconds, thirteen minutes.

Fourty three seconds, twelve minutes.

Fourty three seconds, twelve minutes.

Fourty four seconds, twelve minutes.

Fourty four seconds, twelve minutes.

Fourty four seconds, twelve minutes.

“It’s been too long,” Bonnie mutters, pacing back and forth, "I bet they’re in trouble, I bet they need our help.”

“I can’t help, Bonnie,” you squeeze your eyes shut. You tried to lie to yourself about it, but-- it’s obvious. You’re useless like this.

“Then they need my help, stupid. I’m gonna go help them.”

You heart lurches, “wh-- Bonnie, no--”

“I’m sorry Frin, but--” they glance frantically between you and the door, “what if they need my help!!”

“B-Bonnie, Bonnie--” you sutter, trying to force your cotton stuffed brain into thinking of some clever excuse, some way to convince them to stay with you--

They’re gone before you can even start formulating a response.

But-- they left all the tonics behind. You lunge for it, drinking half the bottle at once, and-- oh yeah, this isn’t doing anything good to your craft. You can feel it, the way your chest aches, the way the borrowed craft buzzes under your skin-- but none of that matters because the pain is better. It’s-- it’s better enough that you can stand and walk again-- you can stumble out into the halls, and spare the breath to call for Bonnie.

You hear no response.

Fourty four seconds, twelve minutes.

Fourty four seconds, twelve minutes.

Fourty five seconds, twelve minutes.

Fourty five seconds, twelve minutes.

Fourty five seconds, twelve minutes.

You’re lost you don’t know where you are it hurts so much the tonics aren’t enough and Bonnie hasn’t come back, it’s been ages and they haven’t come back-- what if they encountered a strong Sadness?? What if they’re dead, and it’s because of you???

Fourty six seconds, twelve minutes.

Fourty six seconds, twelve minutes.

Fourty six seconds, twelve minutes.

Fourty seven seconds, twelve minutes.

Fourty seven seconds, twelve minutes.

It’s been ages, it’s been ages, it’s been ages, what’s happened to them, shouldn’t the party have beaten the King by now?? Did they fail--?

No, no, you’re sure they haven’t, you’re sure-- they’re looking for you, they’ll find you. Any minute now. Any minute now.

Fourty seven seconds, eleven minutes.

Fourty seven seconds, eleven minutes.

Fourty eight seconds, eleven minutes.

Fourty eight seconds, eleven minutes.

Fourty nine seconds, eleven minutes.

The only warning you get is the air suddenly going deathly cool. You see your quick, panting breaths in the air.

You close you r    e    y        e         --

Chapter Text

5

You wake up in a field. Your back prods at you, but it’s nothing, it’s blinding nothing in comparison to the pain you were feeling.

Stars. Stars.

All that-- all that and you failed. You failed, you got frozen, you got frozen!!! It had felt like you were waiting so long, it had felt like an eternity, so the Saviours obviously must have been about to beat the King, and you ruined it!!!

Stars. You rub your hands over your face. That was-- bad. That was really bad. That sucked so hard. And you have to do it again-- you have to! Because-- you don’t know why you’re looping, but surely being frozen has something to do with it, so if you could just make it without being frozen--!

You just need to make it to the end. You need to be there when they fight the King. Somehow. Because Odile had a point-- in much pain as you were, you were nothing more than a target. You would’ve slowed the party down, burdening them when you couldn’t even contribute to fights. You were barely even on the second floor, and you couldn’t handle it. How are you supposed to get all the way to the top?? Be useful in any way without tipping them all off???

… That pain tonic did help, a little bit. Downing the whole thing took you from unable to walk to stumbling down the hallway. Taking these measly little sips really don’t help with the pain much, but… if you could just drink as much as you wanted…

And-- you can drink juice! Juices that will increase your speed and attack strength!! Wait, how didn’t you think of this before?? You’re so stupid?? If you use the right combination of juices and tonics, then you could pass as a normal person!! It’s perfect!!

You stand up, belatedly realising that you’re contracting. It really feels like nothing, now. Okay. You're on a ticking clock before your water breaks, but then after that you can do whatever you want until the sleepover starts. Usually, you just lie around in agony, feeling sorry for yourself, but this time you have goals!! A mission!!

You feel almost giddy. This could be the one.

You feel It move--

Time to go to Dormont!!

You almost run into Mira, and--! She doesn’t say anything new. You nod along, smiling and encouraging her in the right places. She leaves, happy. Interaction successful! Stars, you wish you could do all conversations like this.

You decide to go to the clocktower, just to get your water breaking out of the way. It’s starting to feel like routine now, and it’s one that you’re grateful for. After everything that happened in the last loop… the bath is so nice. You should’ve taken another bath during that loop you were stuck in the clocktower-- it might have actually helped with the pain, a little. You think you can see the appeal of giving birth in a bath now, actually. Warm water to support your body and soothe the pain, all of the mess and gunk staying neatly in the water. Plus, you’re already naked. The only downside you can think of is not being able to walk around, which you like to do when the pain gets really bad.

You don’t know why you’re thinking about the pros and cons. It’s not like you can choose how to expel It. Tears prick your eyes at the thought, even though it’s old news. It’s old news. No reason to be upset about it anymore.

You feel It kick, like It’s mocking you. You ignore It, and get dressed.

Okay. Tonics. How to get them? You still don’t want to take anything from the party’s stash-- they need it, and they’ll notice when it’s missing and ask you questions!! For the same reason, you can’t take their money-- that’s a whole other level of stealing, and it would definitely make them hate you. And this is going to be the last loop, so you can’t make them hate you.

So you need to get your own money, and fast.

You won’t be able to carve anything in time, and you can’t do any odd jobs like this. Your usual revenue sources are out.

And your usual last resort revenue source… Well, that’s what got you in this whole mess in the first place.

… Maybe you could just… ask…? Vaugardians are already pretty willing to share, and when they learn that Mira and her party are Savious, they’re usually happy to offer them free stuff. Mira, Odile and Isa all hate it for various reasons, but it doesn’t bother you or Bonnie much. Free stuff is always good stuff.

Granted, you aren’t one of the Saviours, and granted, you aren’t just asking for a tonic or two. You’ll be pushing it with the shop vender. But… overstepping your boundaries with a stranger would be worth it if it gets you to the end. You’ll just have to live with the shame.

There’s only one store in Dormont that’ll have the tonics and juices you need, which is why Odile is always there, carefully deliberating on the best things to bring. You skitter in the moment she leaves. Mira doesn’t even notice you, frowning hard at the papers in her lap.

The store almost looks wrong without Odile in it, the other sections feel odd, new. You’ve never had any reason to look around, before. The storekeeper smiles at you. He looks… weirdly familiar. You feel like you’ve seen him before--

STARS.

HE HELPED YOU. THAT LOOP YOU WERE STUCK IN THE CLOCKTOWER.

You can barely remember it through the haze of pain, but he was the most annoying, trying to distract you with stories and offering you comfort you didn’t want, and--

… In hindsight, he was very kind. For all he knew, these were going to be the last hours he would spend unfrozen, and he spent it helping you. A complete stranger.

And you were a massive black hole to him….

You were just overwhelmed and in so much pain and you felt so abandoned even though you understood why, and his comfort and presence felt so nice but you hated it, because-- because he wasn’t one of your allies.

How disgusting of you.

“... Hello?” his smile becomes impossibly warmer, “how can I help you?”

And of course he doesn’t recognise you because that never happened. So no need to thank him or hide from him, because it never happened!!

He tilts his head when you don’t respond, “oh, you’re one of the saviours, aren’t you?” he smiles, and you blink at him. You aren’t, but… he obviously thinks that you are. And you know from that night that he’s kind…

You’re so awful for having that thought, you’re so horrible and manipulative, but-- you can’t do that again. You need this to be the last loop.

You pull on a smile, “yeah! Actually… I was wondering if you could help me out?”

“Of course!”

You swallow thickly, “uh… so I need tonics, and juices. Like, a lot of them. But I don't exactly have money on me right now,” it’s so hard not to flush as you say it.

He frowns, “oh, I wouldn’t worry about that-- one of your party members, the, uh, Ka Buan one? She was just here, and she bought plenty of tonics. I’m sure you have all you need for the fight tomorrow. There'll likely be plenty lying around the House as well.”

That… is true. However, you wouldn’t be able to snatch any up without someone noticing. They’d be good to have if you’re consuming tonics faster than expected, but you can’t rely on it.

“Yeah, but…” you pause. Are you really going to pull this card?

You remember the pain that you will feel, and your stomach churns, “...I’m pregnant.”

He lights up, “oh, congratulations!”

A soft spot for pregnancy, you think, like the disgusting manipulator you are, “uh, so-- I’m really nervous? For tomorrow? Because I'm more vulnerable than everyone else, and I don’t want to overuse the tonics that they’ll need. Having some of my own will make me feel so much better.”

And thank the stars, he nods in sympathy, “of course-- oh, I can’t imagine. Please, help yourself! I admire you so much, risking your life for Vaugarde in such a vulnerable state,” you can’t bring yourself to answer, turning to the tonics and juices section, trying your hardest to push down the shame. You grab two-- three of each kind of painkilling tonic. You’ll try to pace yourself, but you know you can’t make any promises. You grab one-- two of each juice, turning to the storekeeper with a guilty smile. He looks at your plentiful stock with wide eyes.

Stars you are the WORST, “I’ll pay you back for what I use-- and give what I don't use back.”

“Oh, no need, I- I’m just not certain you’ll need all of that. I understand that you’re nervous, but,” he lets out a chuckle, "I'd be worried that you’re about to go into labour with all that.”

You let out a laugh that you can’t tell is sarcastic or not, “tee hee! Better safe than sorry~”

“Well, as long as you can carry it, I suppose,” good thing you’re obsessed with sewing pockets onto your clothes! You put all the tonics away, and still have room to carry more. The shopkeeper looks impressed. You thank him, and leave, feeling more weighed down by the guilt than the supplies themselves.

But-- the security you now feel is worth it. The guilt is bad, but you really do mean it when you say that you’ll pay him back after this, you’re just-- pressed for time, right now. A contraction rises, stronger than the other ones, and you sigh.

They’re not so bad right now. You wouldn’t say that you haven’t been noticing them, because they’re very much there, but in comparison to the pain you had to hide before, it’s so much easier to ignore. To think about other things, and not wince when one surprises you. Stars, were you really struggling to hide it at this stage? How pathetic. You had no idea what you were in for.

Still. You don’t want the pain to get worse from here. You take a sip of the sour tonic, the weakest painkiller. If it gets worse, you’ll move up to a stronger tonic, and hope that it’ll keep the pain at this level. Stars, you really hope it does. The idea feels almost too good to be true.

You take a moment to readjust everything you have in your pockets so you don’t sound like a walking windchime, and once everything is arranged for maximum sneakiness, you go back to the clocktower, where your allies are waiting for you.

“Siffrin! You’re here!” Mira smiles.

“We were waiting for you! Let’s go inside!! I am soo hungry.”

Bonnie glares at you, looking away when you make eye contact with them, “what was taking him so long? Let’s go inside already!!”

… Bonnie's back to hating you. Well. They never said they didn’t hate you, last loop, they just apologised for saying that stuff about you and the Sadness, but at least they talked to you again.

… It was nice, even in the midst of the pain. You wish you could have enjoyed it more.

From there, things go as they did in the last loop, only better because you’re not just hiding your pain, you’re managing it! You really can’t believe you didn’t think of this before! You were even sneaky and poured the rest of your sour tonic in your water, meaning that you could sip at it in front of everyone!! You’re so smart!!

You have to swap to the super sour tonic by the time it’s bed time, and… you mix in some crafted water. Just a little!! Not a repeat of the super potion incident!! Just-- enough to take the edge off. Because you’re trying really hard, but the edge. Is coming.

You won’t be able to sleep tonight, not if you want to stay on top of your pain. Stars, when was the last time you slept? It feels like forever ago. You don’t feel tired in your body, because it resets each loop, but… you still feel tired.

Too bad. You need to stay on top of your pain. You can rest when this is all over.

And maybe you can lie down a little bit right now, as you wait for the party to fall asleep.

“Hey... hey Sif. Siffrin. Siffarooni.”

… Oh? This again? You turn to face him, feeling your body clench with a contraction, but luckily, it’s tolerable enough that Isa doesn’t notice it, smiling at you, “um… Sorry? To wake you up? I just have to tell you something. If that's okay.”

You find that you actually have the energy to be kind of curious about it. You nod.

“Okay, okay, okay. Then I shall tell you the thing! The thing I woke you up to tell you! Haha! Um, okay. So. The thing I have to tell you… Is… That… Um, be careful tomorrow?” Oh. You shouldn’t have expected anything different. Does he really need to hype himself up just to ask you that? “You can take care of yourself, I know, but-- promise me that you’ll be careful?”

You nod confidently. You have tonics. Nothing can go wrong.

He lets out a sigh of relief. “O-okay. I, uh, just don't wanna tell you right now. It might distract you. And we wouldn't want that, right??? So, um, I'll tell you when we beat the King. Okay?”

So there is something he’s trying to tell you. He just won’t until after the King is defeated? You’re still working on even getting to the King. A pillow lands in Isa’s face, and he gets yelled at by everyone. This time, you can muster up a laugh, and Isa smiles at you, so brightly.

You stare up at the ceiling, and take a sip of your disguised tonic. At least tonight, you’ll be able to stay inside.

5

“Belle did you know that Frin got up to pee TWENTY TIMES last night,” Bonnie says, apropos of nothing, as you all walk through the House.

“B-bonnie!! Siffrin can’t help that.”

“Yeah, but TWENTY TIMES?”

“Try sharing a bed with them,” Isa sobs.

“I warned you,” you say, normal style. A downside of your magnificent tonic plan you should have anticipated, but at least it kept you awake to stay on top of the pain!! And it’s SO worth it, you’re dealing with the House so much better, this time! You’re actually paying attention!! And talking!! You’re picking up tonics!! And you even matched to sneak a couple of them in your own pockets!

And thanks to the juice, you’re arguably doing better than before you went into labour at all. You’d attempted to craft a spell when you had entered fights with Sadnesses, and it had worked. Certainly not as good as it was before you got pregnant, but-- better.

Stars, you’re so mad you didn’t think to compensate for your bad craft with juice. All these months you could’ve been useful…

At least you’re able to be there at the most important moment.

Though-- no one seems to like you actually being able to help? Mira keeps yelling at you to not push yourself whenever you craft something actually useful, even though you’re not. If anything, you have too much craft in you, buzzing under your skin, begging to be released. Still, when Odile snaps at you to focus on Bonnie when you landed a kind of decent blow on the sadness, you pull back a little. Bonnie’s more important than impressing the party.

But at the very least, you know you’re doing a much better job when Odile doesn’t prompt you to sit down at the library. She doesn’t sit down at all, in fact, so she was just lying, last loop. You really are the only one slowing the party down.

Well. Not with this thyme juice, you aren’t.

That’s the one annoying part of your brilliant idea. It’s a lot harder to hide swigs of your tonics and juice than it is to hide the pain, but-- it’s worth it!! Because the pain is so much better!! You’re-- you’re not staying on top of it as much as you would like, because you’re already using the sweet tonic, and after the super sweet tonic you won’t have anything stronger, so you need to save it for when it gets really bad. And it will.

But!! The level of pain you feel right now, medicated, is what you were feeling last night, unmedicated, which is so much better! You still have to hide the pain you feel, but you’re aware! You’re focused! You’re not barely holding on!

You’re-- you’re still feeling antsy for better tonics, though, so when everyone goes into the infirmary, you try to split off from the group, looking for anything stronger than a super sweet tonic that you might have missed last time.

Which is hard, because. Isa won’t stop following you.

You don’t think he followed you around this much last loop?? Not that you’d have been paying attention… but still. You’re trying to do something, here.

… Maybe he’ll let you keep a few tonics for yourself, if you tell him that same lie you told the shopkeeper?

Stars, you just don’t know how to stop manipulating people, don’t you? You open up a closet without thinking, and freeze.

“Looks kind of sad, doesn’t it?” Isa frowns.

It does. It does look sad, with its half broken face, crumpled up on the closest floor, abandoned. Your fingers twitch, feeling an urge to take the broken b- doll with you. You close the door.

“... Sif?” Isa murmurs, “are you okay?”

“Yeah!” you say a little too quickly, “why wouldn’t I be??” stars, are you going to get caught in the infirmary again why what did you do wrong--

Isa puts his hands up, “um, I don’t know!! It’s just… Do you remember the talk we had last night?”

… The talk you had last night…? Oh, while in bed? “... I thought you were going to tell me once we beat the King?” Honestly, you’ve completely forgotten about it. Whatever Isa wants to tell you feels so low on the list of things you care about, right now.

“I am! I definitely am, haha, it’s more… I asked you to be careful,” you nod slowly, a little confused. He winces, “and… you haven’t been? Really?”

You blink, “I have been.”

“... Not sure if pushing yourself to the point of craft exhaustion counts as being careful, bud,” Isa mutters, “and-- you keep darting in front of the Sadness? If you’re a little slower, they could catch you really easily!”

That’s-- okay, yeah, that’s not really being careful, but who cares if you aren’t?? You’re helping. You almost retort that the juice means that you’re more in danger of craft overload rather than exhaustion, but you catch yourself just in time. Isa’s not supposed to know, stupid.

“But I'm helping,” you say.

“That’s-- you are, yeah, but… you said you’d be careful. You promised.”

You did, you did promise so you have no right to feel as irritated as you do. It’s just-- why can’t he get off your back?? Doesn’t he see how much is riding on this loop?? How perfectly everything needs to go?? You can’t do this again, you can’t--

Stars, just get him off your back.

“You’re right,” you mutter.

“O-oh, so-- you’ll be careful?”

“Yep.”

“... Promise?”

“Mm-hm.”

Isa frowns, but he doesn’t say anything further. Finally, he shuts up. Stars, that’s so mean why did you just think that??

But. You are glad that Isa backs off. He backs off enough that you can take a swig from a tonic. Even so, you have to squeeze your eyes past the pain. eye.

But you’re fine! You’re fine. 

“Is everyone ready to leave??” Mira asks, a little bit nervously, holding the key that she found…. Somewhere. You try not to think about how finding these keys is supposed to be your job. 

But-- you can’t even linger it because everyone says yes, and she turns to leave, and-- Finally, you move past the infirmary.

Chapter Text

5

The corridors past the infirmary had felt like an endless labyrinth when you had stumbled through them last loop, but now, you struggle to understand how you had gotten so confused. Though the halls aren’t very logically placed, it’s not too hard to find the main room and from there, the stairs to the next floor.

As a Sadness catches up to the party you think that in hindsight, you were very lucky to not have run into a Sadness in the last loop.

You sneakily drink some pepper juice, and craft the strongest attack, ignoring the dissenting sounds everyone makes. Who cares, you’re helping, and Bonnie is fine, they’re right there avoiding the fight, and you’re keeping an eye on them, so what’s the problem?

Besides, it feels good to get the borrowed craft out. Really good. The more you drink, the more your body begs to let the excess craft out, and for once, you see no reason not to listen to it.

An opening! You craft yourself faster, and dart forward, and-- the speed craft worked too well?? Instead of slipping into its blindspot, you’ve overshot yourself right into its line of sight. The Sadness sobs when it spots you. It prepares its rock craft and--

Oh, you think distantly, It's going to happen again.

Before the thought even completes, someone slams into you, pushing you out of the way. You gasp, whipping your head around to see-- Isa-- he’s-- he’s hurt, but he’s fine, he’s fine, he’s not as badly hurt as you were, he’s not weak to rock craft like you were he’s fine. He glances over at you as Mira quickly heals him, “you okay, Sif?” he pants, "I'm sorry I slammed into you like that, does the b-- does everything feel okay?”

You belatedly nod, your heart pounding harder than it should. You can’t decipher the look he’s giving you.

You can definitely decipher the look Odile is giving you. Stars.

“Why’d you do that, idiot??” Bonnie hisses to you, their voice tense and fragile as the Sadness melts away. You don’t have an answer. Your hands are shaking hard underneath the cloak, and you don’t think it’s from the startle of the close call.

Isa’s healed, but he’s still obviously feeling it in his shoulder, where he took the blow. If he hadn’t stepped in that attack would have landed right on your face. Again. Stars, why did you try to take that opening, right after he made you promise?? And now he’s hurt, and he’ll be in worse shape to fight the King than he otherwise would’ve been--

Your heart is pounding. Your body aches, seizing with a contraction. You take another sip of the tonic, but it doesn’t help much. You’re scared, it’s hurting more and the tonic is helping less and less. You really, really really wish you could move onto the super sweet tonic, but-- you need to save it. You need to save it. It’s not bad yet. Not yet.

The second snack break comes none too soon. Did they have a second snack break the last loop, without snack leader Bonnie? Stars, you hope you didn't also ruin their snack breaks.

You sit down, desperately relieved to rest your body. It’s starting to get to that level of pain where it’s really hard not to pay attention to it, and you’re only half way through the House!!

Stars, maybe-- maybe you can take one little sip of the super sweet tonic. Just a sip. You can alternate, and that’ll last you until the end. It has to.

… Maybe you could try the super potion idea again…? Maybe it’ll be fine if you only mix the tonics together…

… Maybe a last resort.

You take a sip of the super sweet tonic, having to force yourself to not turn it into a gulp, and when you lift your head, you see Odile frowning at you. Was that too obvious?? Stars. Maybe-- she thought that you were… coughing away from the party or something. Totally not suspicious.

Isa rolls the shoulder he hurt protecting you, and glances at Bonnie, who’s away from the group, busy making snacks. He leans in to murmur, “so, um… I have a question? About something we haven’t really brought up yet…”

A secret adult conversation? It’s been ages since you were invited to one of those. Definitely not since the loops started. Or-- wait, is this about you? Are they onto you??

Stars, you shouldn’t have taken that sip you stupid--

“Do you not want Boniface to hear?” Odile raises her eyebrow.

“...No, not particularly…”

You glance at everyone and nervously point at yourself. Isa’s eyebrows raise, “oh! Uh, no, it’s not about you, Sif, it’s… ” he makes a face, like he wants to say something further, but he doesn’t, “it’s not about you. It’s about something else,” okay… hopefully he’s not lying. You glance over at Bonnie, wondering if you should call out to them to test if they can hear you, but-- you don’t want to make them mad. You need to remember that you haven’t talked, this loop. They’re still giving you the silent treatment.

… If there was one thing you would have liked to keep from that loop, it would have been that conversation. Though, you wouldn’t have been able to have that conversation without everyone knowing that you’re in labour. That’s… really annoying.

Then again, most things are, when you’re like this-- a contraction happens, and you have to focus on not reacting to it. Stars, you want another sip, but everyone is looking, they’ll see you moving--

Mira bites her lip, “um… Bonnie?” she calls out for them at a normal volume, and they don’t respond. Must be okay to talk, then.

“Good. Um. Okay. So," Isa fidgets, “if… any of you bites the dust, what should we do with your body?”

Bites the dust…? Oh, like dying. You guess that’s a fair question-- it… did get kind of close, with you and that Sadness. That must be why Isa’s bringing it up.

… And they’ll need to know, because-- there’s a good chance you’ll die. Once they’ve beaten the King, and the loops are broken.

… What would even happen if you died in the loops?

Could that be a way out--

“What about you, Siffrin?” Mira asks. You!! Zoned out again!! It was just so hard to think and not show the pain at the same time!! How could you listen on top of all that?

You feel tears prick your eyes. You need a stronger tonic, you feel it in your bones, but you don’t have one.

You swallow thickly, “... Throw my ashes into the sky.”

“Oh? I’ve never heard of that! Is it common where you come from?”

You wink at her, hoping it’s not strained.

“Hm … sorry for asking…”

If you do die giving birth… would Its ashes be mixed in with yours? Never to truly separate from you. You squeeze your hand painfully under your cloak. It deserves better than that, but what can you do about it?

Bonnie approaches the group, looking sullenly down at the ground, “...hey, are you guys done talking? Because it’s snack time, baby.”

Oh, snacks. You’re… actually kind of starving. But also, you’re not sure if you can eat anything. You’ve drunk so many tonics and juices, and it’s all buzzing unpleasantly in your gut. Bonnie presents madeleines, pineapples, and a fish head. None of them look even remotely appealing to you. But it would look bad if you don’t want anything, so when Bonnie prompts you, you point to the fish head, the least unappealing of all three options. With the super sweet tonic coating the inside of your mouth, madeleines and pineapples with sugar on them don’t sound very appealing.

You take a bite, and the taste is nice, familiar, nothing too offensive about it, but even so, as you try to swallow, you end up gagging. Very obviously.

Everyone blinks at you.

“... Siffrin, why did you choose the fish head if you find it gross??” Mira blinks.

“I don’t find it gross…” you mutter. You take another bite, and gag at the sensation of it entering your mouth.

“Why are you lying??” Bonnie snatches the fish head away from you, giving you the madeleines instead. Ugh. You try one, and-- same thing. Bonnie wrinkles their nose at you, “why don't you like it?? Why doesn’t he like it?” they abruptly remember they’re not talking to you, “did I make everything wrong?”

Your eyes widen, “no, you didn’t, Bonnie! I promise, it’s just my stomach being weird.”

They frown at you. Isa leans forwards, “really, Bon, it’s a pregnancy thing. Sometimes their stomach gets a little sensitive."

“It’s been a while, though…” Odile mutters, eyeing you. Why is she eyeing you??

“Are you feeling okay, Siffrin??” Mira frowns, and you need to stop this conversion before it goes into unwanted territory!!

“I feel great!!” you smile, as convincingly as you can, “and your cooking is great, Bonnie, I'm just feeling… fishy.”

Bonnie groans, and immediately drops it, and slowly, the other adults follow suit, though they still eye you. You ignore them, counting down the seconds until the snack break is over, and you can sneakily drink another tonic. Luckily, Mira’s in a rush, and quickly leads all of you out the moment the last person is done eating.

The moment you cross the threshold a horrible sound rocks you to your core-- horrible and familiar. You flinch, whipping your head around-- this-- you always heard this sound when you failed. Is everyone going to freeze?? Is it starting now??

“That sound, that’s…”

“That’s the King…” Mira murmurs, “he’s… crying,” oh. That’s the awful sound that’s been haunting you? He must have made that sound when the party beat him, the last two loops.

Though… Why are you hearing it now?

Odile glances at you, “... Siffrin? Anything to worry about?”

Stars, you haven’t been acting normal, ACT NORMAL, “j-just wasn’t expecting the sound,” you say, too shakily. For a second there you felt so certain that--

It’s fine. It didn’t happen, so it’s fine.

“Right?” Isa murmurs, “it’s so spooky…”

Another contraction hits. Stars. These are actually really starting to get to you. You-- you need the super sweet tonic now, actually. You quickly take a sip, and hope it kicks in as you ride through the pain, absently following the party. Just be normal. Be so normal.

You forgot to focus, again, and Mira had to find a key without you. Some help you are.

But-- there’s a bathroom break. Thank the stars actually, your bladder is fit to burst. And-- a bathroom means privacy. Which means time to drink your tonic for as long as you want. You-- you shouldn’t drink too much, because you’re really starting to feel all those tonics and juices. You’re woozy and shaky and your heart is beating too fast from all the borrowed craft. And after that stunt you just pulled, there’s no way you can get away with using craft that actually expels any real energy. Maybe you can do some spells in the bathroom and hope no one hears?? Will that help??

“so… does anyone need to go?” Odile asks sarcastically, “raise your hand. Just so you know, if you do need to go, when they make books about this moment, I'll be sure to mention how we needed to stop for a bathroom break.” You look up at her with wet eyes, and she smirks, “yes, I'll even mention your twenty bathroom breaks last night.”

“...Five?”

“Fifteen.”

“... Ten?”

“If you keep haggling, I'll make it twenty five.”

You mime zipping your lips shut. You’re doing such a good job, joking around like nothing is wrong!

You make your escape in the bathroom stall, scrambling for the super sweet tonic to take a swig. You don’t even care if you have anything to give back to the shopkeeper after this. You’ll probably be dead after this anyway!! You feel your stomach lurch sickeningly as a new flow of borrowed craft fills your body. Stars, you feel so weird. The craft buzzes under your skin, in a sharp contract to how slow and weak it’s felt since your pregnancy. It’s not a good kind of energy, it feels like something you can’t control-- something that could hurt you.

Your hands shaking hard, you decide you hate that particular tile, and attempt to craft a small scissor spell. Just enough to scratch it, maybe crack it if you’re right and all the tonics is making your craft harder to control--

You completely obliterate it.

… Maybe you’ll cool it on the juices. It was clearly a stupid idea from the start. You take slow and deep breaths, like that will calm your body that feels like it’s coming down from a two hour marathon.

It doesn’t work. But the deep breaths centre you back in your body, a little, which is not really what you want. You feel It shift inside of you.

Can… It feel it, too? You… think it’s moving around more than usual. It’s hard to focus. You look at your hands. They’re shaking so hard. Is it the pain, or the tonics…?

Who cares-- WHO CARES. You just need to the end. You’re almost there, just this floor and the next, and!! It’ll be over. Your heart pounds at the thought. Soon, it’ll be over, you just need to get through the worst of it, and then it’ll be over, and you’ll get It out of you and then you’ll never have to feel this pain again--

…One way or another.

You frown, and take another sip of the tonic, your chest aching. Your bladder demands that you do what you actually came here for, not helped by It stepping on it.

Once you’re done with your business, you leave to wash your hands-- and almost bump into Odile. She’s leaning against the sink, facing the stall that you were in, like she was waiting for you. You pull on a smile, slowly looking behind you and pointing at yourself.

She rolls her eyes, “yes, I want to talk to you.”

Stars. No, no, she’s-- this must be about something else. She can’t have caught you, you were doing so good!! It’s fine, it’s fine, the contraction ended and you’re on a stronger tonic-- you’re so much more clear minded now. whatever this is, you can get out of it, “... bathroom-ology?”

Instead of rolling her eyes, sighing, or berating you for the joke, she stops leaning on the counter, crossing her arms, “what on earth are you not-so-discreetly-drinking?”

OH. SHE NOTICED. But you were trying so hard to hide it!!! Stars, you can feel tears prick your eyes already, but you can’t let them show, you can’t-- “... What are you talking about?”

She narrows her eyes, “are you really going down the denial route? It’s obvious. Almost stupidly obvious.”

Your heart pounds, your hand shakes, and your mind races, trying to think of something, anything you could say to convince her that she’s wrong--

But no matter how many tonics or juices you drink, you’re still stupid.

“... Siffrin. This matters if whatever you’re drinking is affecting your performance. You’ve been… more confident in fights. Taking more risks.”

“... Is that a bad thing?” you’ve been better, too. Stronger. Why isn’t she focusing on that?

“When what you’re drinking impedes your coordination and decision making skills, yes. Now more than ever is when we need to have clear heads, and you’re actively making yourself an impediment-- gems alive, you’ve already gotten Isabeau hurt. Not to mention, the negative effects this could have on your fetus, should you keep it--”

You blink, feeling simultaneously too fast and too slow to keep up with Odile, “... Drinking tonics is bad for It…?” Then why did the healers at Grandmais give you so many?

She pauses, then takes a moment to cross her arms, pinching her nose, “... you’ve been drinking tonics?”

“... Yes,” What else did she think you were drinking? You wish you could think about it a little harder, but a contraction is happening, and you can’t take a sip with her right there, interrogating you for it.

She looks at you for a long moment. Looks at your shaking hands, your tense posture that you can’t relax no matter how hard you try. Can she see the heat underneath your skin, threatening to bubble up in sweat? Can she see your pounding heart, your churning stomach, the wiggling fetus inside of you?

“... You’ve been drinking a lot of tonics,” she concludes, “and… some juices, as well. The way you’ve been performing in fights…” she trails off, frowning at you.

You swallow thickly, “I… I was dumb, with Isa, I know that, I…” stars, it’s so hard to think, past the-- everything. You feel like you’re going to explode, you feel like you’re going to crumple, you feel like you’re going to shatter into a million tiny pieces, "I won't do that again. But, I'm good now. I’m pulling my weight, I'm not taking anything from the party, so it’s fine!”

“It’s--” Odile clenches her teeth, “if it were just the juice… in moderation, maybe I’d agree with you, but--” she suddenly leans forwards, and you lean back a beat too late, “your breath smells sweet. You’ve been drinking sweet tonics?” you don’t answer in time, “a super sweet tonic? Why? What pain are you trying to manage? What--” her eyes widen, “are… are you miscarrying?”

Stars. Stars!!! This can’t be over yet-- you’ve barely gotten further on!! “No,” you mutter, bitterly.

She doesn’t believe you, “gems alive, Siffrin,” she pinches her nose, “you’ve-- you’ve been drinking excessively all night. I thought Isabeau had finally convinced you that you don’t drink enough water, but-- that was a disguised tonic, wasn’t it? Why on earth wouldn’t you tell us?” she snaps.

You wince. Her calling you out hurts just as much as it did last time, “I--I didn’t want to distract everyone.”

“So you risk your own shattering death??” she snaps, almost-- almost shouting. Stars, you’ve never seen her so angry before, “you risk giving birth in front of the King??” you huff, at that. You wish you were going to give birth that soon, “this isn’t funny, Siffrin. How could you risk us all like that?”

But-- it’s fine. You know it’s going to be fine, “I’m not going to give birth while we fight the King!”

“You are out of your mind if you think I'm going to let you anywhere near the King,” she grits her teeth, “you are staying right here until we’re finished dealing with him--”

No, no no-- “I can fight! I’ve been doing really well with the Sadnessness, haven't I? I can help you fight him--”

“I don’t care how good you are a fighter, I'm not bringing someone in labour to a fight to the death--”

Not again not again not again--

“I can fight, I promise, I won’t slow you down--”

“What part of this aren’t you understanding? I don’t care how good you are, I'm not giving him a chance to hurt--”

“Please, Odile!!” you shout, your voice breaking. Stars. You slam your hand over your mouth, but it’s too late. Odile stares at you with wide eyes, as tears sting your eyes and fall onto your cheeks.

She frowns, “... Siffrin. What’s really going on?”

Stars. It’s ruined. It’s all ruined. You step past her, faster than her for once, and leave the bathroom. You ignore her shouts-- the party’s shouts, and take a swig of thyme juice. Some speedcraft that works far better than you intended, and you easily outrun them, swinging a corner to find exactly what you were looking for.

A tear.

Angrily, you touch it, cursing you r    s    e     l     f        --

Chapter Text

6

You wake up in a field, a contraction poking your back. Slowly, you lift your hands to your face and press, until you feel your eye pulse with pain under the pressure.

Okay. So you have to do it again. That’s fine. The pain wasn’t nearly as bad, with the tonics, anyway. You’re confident that you’d be able to push through, so long as you avoid attracting anyone’s attention.

Just do it again, but don’t mess it up this time.

…

Odile catches you in the breakroom, right after the bathroom.

7

She catches you in the bathroom again.

8

Isa catches you-- he’s so much more distressed than Odile is, so much more-- you think the word is betrayed? You must be thinking of the wrong word, but-- it feels like the only one that fits.

You’d take Odile’s anger over Isa’s watery voice.

9

Mira catches you in the library. You’d made the mistake of actually looking around in the library, and caught sight of a parenting book.

It was just easier to tell Mira that you were crying from the pain.

10

You’re getting WORSE. Bonnie catches you during the first snack break-- when you take a sip of a tonic just as they turn around with their plateful of snacks. Maybe you would have gotten away with it if you were drinking juice, not a tonic.

Stars.

11

Odile catches you in the room with the mirror, when you happen to briefly wince in pain just as that stupid mirror took a photo.

At least you got past the bathroom.

12

You didn’t even do one stupid thing wrong, this time-- Odile’s suspicions just grew and grew until she called you out in Mira’s dorm room.

Somehow, it’s worse than when you make one, stupid mistake.

13

STARS you were so close-- you were having the final snack break!! The final one and you could’ve gotten this all over with!!!! WHY did you have to take that last sip of your tonic, why--

It’s fine. It’s fine. You shouldn’t have expected this loop to be the one, anyway.

14

“Sif--?”

You keep

15

“What’s wrong?? Are you--”

Getting caught

16

“-- alright, Siffrin?”

During the final snack break.

17

The thing is, it’s a delicate balance, hiding this from the party. Drink too little, and the pain of the labour will tip everyone off that something is wrong. Drink too much, and the resulting craft overspill becomes obvious enough that someone notices. That’s not even getting into the balance of releasing the spare craft to stave off the craft overspill without being so strong that someone becomes suspicious, or worse-- you lose control entirely. And if you stray too far in either direction, you become more and more clumsy with hiding your drink intake.

But-- but you have to believe that there’s a perfect balance you can find. You’re so, so close. All you need is one success, all you need is to get to the King once and then it’ll all be over.

You don’t have high hopes for this loop, but what else can you do??

The contractions hurt-- they really, really hurt, but you’re much better at ignoring them now. Being in labour slows you down, but carefully measured sips of thyme juice makes you as fast as you were before you went into labour, which is still pretty slow. You wish going faster wouldn’t make them suspicious-- especially now.

“Mira! Slow down! Sif and M’dame Odile need a slower speed--”

“I can’t wait-- we can’t wait!! We have to move on!!” Mira anxiously paces, as she always does at this point in the House. You bite the inside of your cheek, waiting for her to get over her fit-- stars, don’t think of it like that, even though she does this every single time-- because it’s always the first time for her, you blinding black hole.

Distantly, you hear Isa telling her to breathe slowly, just like you, and you hate him for it as you force yourself to slow your breathing to provide an example for her, even as a contraction hits, trying to force your breath to hitch, trying to force you to fail--

She calms down. No one pounces on you. You force your breathing to stay steady, as you watch Odile carefully. It’s around here that she’s at least eyeing at you-- there’s something about Mira panicking that seems to make her far more likely to act on any suspicions she’s had.

But-- Odile isn’t looking at you, really. She’s more focused on Mira, as she should be. You wait through everyone’s motivational pep talks with bated breath, and-- no one turns on you.

It’ll be during snack time, then, you tell your pounding heart. If not now, then snack time, and then you’ll spend fifteen minutes crying in the bath because you still don’t know what else to do--

For snack time, there are burnt samosas, palmiers, and malanga fritters. The fritters aren’t a peace offering from Bonnie, you know that by now. You choose it, anyway.

You’re getting better at choking the food down.

Once everyone’s done eating, Mira sniffles, “I… I'm sorry, everyone. I shouldn’t have… I should have kept it together…”

You try your hardest to not tune out, digging your nails into your flesh under the cloak. You’re going to get caught any second now. Any second, someone will say your name, pull you aside, destroy everything, and there’s nothing you can do to stop it. Something will go wrong, like it has so many times, someone will notice, someone will--

“-- We’ll definitely kick the King where it hurts.”

“And where’s that, Mira?”

“His.. his crabbing BUTT!!”

“YEAH!!!”

And-- that’s it. That’s it. That’s it. Everyone gets ready to pack up and move along, and no one is eyeing you, no one is trying to pull you aside and you--

Is this it? Is this really going to be over? You’ve never gotten this far, you’ve never-- every single time you’ve always been caught, every single time--

What did you even do differently?? Why aren’t they suspicious?? What did you blinding DO??

Whatever-- it doesn’t matter, how could it matter, because it’ll be OVER and you’ll never have to do this AGAIN.

Your heart pounds, your breath shakes, a contraction starts to build, and to your horror, Isa’s hand hovers over your shoulder.

“... Sif? You okay?”

No, no, no, you CANNOT be caught. You smile as convincingly as you can, “yeah, I’m fine, Isa.”

“Are you sure? It’s… okay if you’re scared, you know?”

If you’re scared…? Right-- you guess this emotion you’re feeling could look like fear, from the outside. You’re not sure what it is.

Maybe you are scared. If this is really it… these are probably the last few hours you’ll ever get to live.

But then you won’t be in pain anymore.

Besides, it’s not like you have anything after all this to live for.

You wink, "I can scare-cly believe that this is almost over.”

Isa laughs, but it’s weaker than usual, and you don’t even care, you don’t even care because you’re past the door you’re past the final snack break--

You have to walk down an agonisingly long corridor, you have to hold it together for a little bit longer-- until after the fight is over. If you broke before then, you have no doubt that Odile won’t chase you out herself, and then you’d be left to freeze--

Just a little longer. Just this fight and you’re done.

After what feels like ten million years, there’s him. The one your party has been trying to defeat while you ruined their efforts every time, the one who’s made it so that you can’t get help with your labour, the one who started all this--

The King.

You’d known that he was big, but-- you didn’t realise how big. His hands are easily as big as you-- probably as big as Isa. You push down the sickening anxiety that wells up in your gut. The party has beaten him so many times before-- they can do it again. All you need to do is stay out of the way and survive. It’s all going to be over. The thought makes you feel lightheaded with relief.

It’s going to be over.

You force yourself to pay attention, and for once, it’s easy. Easier, at least. This could be it. This could really be it.

He sobs, his deep, low tones almost reverberating through you. “Oh… young ones… are you here to kill me….?”

Mira glares daggers at him. She’s-- she’s so brave, facing him without even flinching, and doing it over and over while you ruin it all. But there’s nothing to feel bad about, this time. This time, Mira doesn’t know about you, and this time, you’re here, helping her. Everything is as it should be.

A contraction builds and-- stars, it’s getting bad. It’s getting bad, but it’s fine, because everyone is focused on the King, not you. His sobs wash over you.

“Can’t you feel it, young lady…? The Universe yearns for everyone’s hopes to be encased in limitless ice… won’t you allow your fate to be ended…?”

“Corrupting and ending people’s lives? You call this a form of change?” you lose yourself to your pain again. Stars, it’s fine for now that you’re not focusing, just stay normal, don’t bend over, don’t wince, don’t make a sound, just stay normal.

It’ll be over soon, it’ll be over soon, it’ll be over soon.

Distantly, you hear everyone shout at him. It makes you almost want to smile at how brave they are, facing the final part of their journey without even flinching. They’re going to save Vaugarde, and while you regret being such a burden, selfishly, you’re so glad you can be here to see this. You’re so glad you got to know them.

You’re so glad.

“Wait,” the King points a massive finger at you, and you blink, forcing yourself to refocus, “you. Traveller. Bright one.”

Why-- why is he singling you out?? You’re supposed to fade in the background, you’re barely even going to participate in this fight no matter how much you want to!! Does he know that you’re pregnant somehow?? Is he going to freeze you--

“... Do you remember?”

… What?

You don’t say anything, your heart pounding.

He sobs, “The Universe weeps… The stars cry out in grief…!!! Young ones... If you won't obey… I suppose I'll have to MAKE you obey.”

The fight starts and you won’t mess it up for them. You get yourself and Bonnie out of the way as quickly as possible, and luckily, they’re cooperative, realising just how dire this is.

It’s agony to watch them fight, when the craft buzzes under your skin, but you remember Isa getting hurt because you were stupid and reckless, and you stay where you are. You can’t mess this up, not now.

The King sobs, “oh… despite what you may think… I am… a merciful King. I will give you some time to come to terms with your end… a most beautiful end… an eternal end…”

Isa huffs, “wow, he’s really taking us for chumps, isn’t he?” he glances back at you with a grin, like he still wants to include you, even though you’re useless. Even though you’re nothing but a passive observer.

“We’ve gotten this far! We won’t back down!!”

“Get ready everyone!”

They all sound so brave, so sure, so confident, it reassures you instantly. You did it. You’ve finally gotten to safety, and now the Saviours will save you-- they’ll save everyone. Soon, you’ll be able to give the attention your body has been screaming for, and get It out of you, and-- and-- the pain will end. That’s all that matters, the pain will end.

The King waits, and the Saviours attack. You allow yourself to cast some speedcraft on them, but for the most part, you focus on Bonnie. They’re tense, waiting for someone to get hurt, so they can swoop in with juice and tonics. No matter how bad the pain is, it’s your job to make sure that they don’t run in at the wrong time. It’s your job to keep them safe.

Your eye aches.

The King lets out a horrible sob, “I'm afraid… this is goodbye, young ones,” slowly, he holds out his hands, and snaps his fingers.

A horrible, blinding light, and--

And--

They’re all--

They’re all--

Bonnie makes a horrible sound next to you, and you should cover up their eyes, you should protect them from this somehow, but you’re stuck, you’re trapped staring at the party, staring at the blood that pools on the ground--

“S-Sif,” Isa chokes, horrible and gurgly, and you see his hand weakly reach out to you. It barely makes it off the ground.

This isn’t right.

He wasn’t--

They were supposed to--

Odile grunts, fighting with her body, but it’s far too destroyed to be of any use to her now.

They were supposed to win.

“B-bonnie, Siffrin…” Mira chokes on her own blood.

Every time that sound happened--

The sound of his attack--

That was actually him killing your-- your allies?

There was no amount of hiding you could have done, no place where you could have stayed safe from being frozen.

This whole time--

All this pain--

And you had already lost.

“Run!” Odile snaps. You feel someone tug on your arm. You can’t move. There’s so much blood.

They were supposed to win--

“Please,” Mira cries, “do whatever you want from us…” she does a horrible combination of choking and throwing up, blood spattering down her dress, “but don’t hurt Bonnie and Siffrin… please…” she lets out a sob.

“The child… may go. But you…”

You can’t see his face

But it still feels like he’s looking right at you.

“I’m not leaving without Frin!!!” Bonnie shouts, “come ON we need to GO!!!”

You can’t

Move.

They were supposed to win.

“Very well…” he brings out his hands, and--

He

Strikes

The pain

Is just a bit worse

Than the heights of your labour, unmedicated

You feel  a sickening tug    on your  stomach

And       then