Chapter Text
Dick's life was hanging by a thread, and it was Bruce's fault.
As his Boy Wonder lay in a hospital bed in the League's hospital, Clark and Diana by his side, Bruce let his fear of losing him go free. He let himself feel the pain of losing Dick Grayson forever without him really knowing all the love in his heart.
The mission was uncertain from the start, a thing Bruce wanted to avoid at all times, but necessity made the League call on him and Nightwing. Red Hood and Robin were on a small mission in Bludhaven while Red Robin helped the Titans on the other side of the world.
Bruce leaned over the edge of the bed, his forehead on Dick's limp hand, begging for forgiveness.
"He's stable, Bruce" Diana put a firm hand on his shoulder. "You need to rest"
"Your boys will be here tomorrow morning" Clark promised, having sent both Jon and Kon to find them, help however they could, and bring them back as soon as possible. "You can't let them see you like this"
They were right. He still wore his Batman suit, torn in half a dozen places but not bleeding anymore. After refusing treatment Zatanna cast him an improvised spell to hold everything in place for a few hours and now it was wearing off. Clark had to know he was starting to feel pain again.
"I can't leave him" his voice broke into a sob.
"I know you-"
"You don't know. Neither of you know… If he dies, I'll…"
The Lazarus Pit. He'd take his boy there, he'd beg Talia and Jason to bring Dick back to him, to them.
"Mr. Wayne?"
They all looked up to the doctor, a non-human Bruce was too exhausted to remember her race or name. He'd make it up later.
"Yes?"
"A moment, please"
Both Clark and Diana left the room and Bruce didn't care if either of them heard whatever the doctor said. He was already preparing himself, bracing himself for the worst news of his life: his boy, his love, couldn't be saved.
"I'm sorry to inform you, Mr. Grayson's injuries and internal bleeding put too much stress on his body" she sighed and handed him a few papers he took in his hand shivering. "He had a miscarriage just a few hours ago, nothing to worry about physically, he'll be fine with all his current treatment. But the stress and the shock prompted it quickly. It's his body's way of protecting himself, as I understand from human biology"
"How-" he cleared his throat, feeling about to pass out. "How far along, do you know?"
"Well, I'm no expert, but it seems like he was about nine weeks, maybe ten. His biology is different from-"
"He was born biologically female"
"My colleagues said, I know" she replied kindly, and Bruce saw her yellow eyes turn orange for a moment. "I meant he's very young, and his body is always guarded and prepared for trauma. If he tries to conceive again, he's going to need a long time to rest. He needs to be… how do I say this? Pregnancy is a different kind of battle for his body, and his training is not to save to world, but himself first"
"Thank you, doctor…"
"Thea. Call me Thea. I'll leave you two alone and nurse Thomas will be here shortly for you. Do not refuse him, he's won't let you anyway"
"Thank you, Thea"
As soon as the sliding door closed behind the doctor, Bruce cried like never before. He cursed himself for not seeing the shooter, for allowing him to use another gun to shoot Dick twice. He remembered perfectly the first shot: the bullet going through Dick's body from back to front right under his ribs and coming out from his stomach. He fell to his knees as Batman threw a batarang at the shooter but they used their left hand to produce a small shotgun. The second shot hit Dick's nape, the smaller bullet caught in the muscle and skull.
His boy was shot twice because of him, after fighting a six hours battle against monsters from another dimension, by a human.
This made Dick lose a child no one knew he was carrying and Bruce shouldn't have been the first to know. Besides, was it his because of the pollen just two months ago? Jason's? Tim's?
"Oh, god…"
Bruce hated how Dick and his other boys had suffered because of him. Even Steph, Cass and Duke saw it: the closer someone got to him, the worse they fared. That's why they made the conscious, rational decision to only be around him when absolutely needed.
But he was selfish: Bruce needed them, he has elated to be surrounded by those who loved him back. And their love made him think he could be there for them, always, forever.
"I'm sorry, baby…" Bruce sobbed again and stroked Dick's beautiful face. His body was littered in cuts, bruises and two shots that were almost the end of his life. "Did you even know? You said, a long time ago, you were afraid to bring a child to this world… You didn't mean the Earth. You meant Batman, the cursed Wayne family… and you were right, my love. I'll take your hate when you wake up, but please, wake up…"
Alfred came with Barbara Gordon just as nurse Thomas finished patching him up. Barbara was in her suit but took her mask off to hug him before Alfred did.
He explained to them -leaving the miscarriage out- he'd wake up in a day or two, going over his wounds like a doctor would. Alfred knew something else was missing but didn't press for clarification until after they were alone.
"He was pregnant, Alfred"
"Oh, Bruce…"
"I didn't know, I didn't kn-"
Alfred had magical abilities to heal others through his hugs. No other explanation here, because he fell asleep after a few minutes of crying.
Being forced to shower and a change of clothes was something he was used to, but not by Clark Kent, who informed him he smelled like alien goo and looked at him like a scorned mother when he told Clark he should shower then.
Bad timing, he guessed.
But a shower, clean clothes and tea made him feel better as soon as he was back by Dick's side. Eight hours had passed since Dick went under surgery and now it felt like a year.
"Dick!"
Damian and Jason came first with Jon close by, unsure about being allowed in the room. But then Tim and Kon arrived right after and the half-kriptonians joined the 'batfamily'. He'd come to love the term, alright?
It was hard to explain the guilt he felt at the same time he tried to make his other boys understand they were not to blame. After the sex pollen thing just two months ago, Jason became more gentle with Dick. They were so rough he'd needed a whole month of recovery; no sex with him. At all. Jason felt so bad he'd only started to join Dick in intimate acts with penetration two weeks ago.
No one knew he'd been pregnant.
No one knew he'd been pregnant during nine movie nights, in that gala where they finally made their relationship public, while taking Damian to school because Alfred had a fever last week…
All this time, until the shot.
It took everything in him to keep the secret. They'd understand. They'd see Dick had to know before them, but the burden was heavy, and Alfred tried his best for the whole day it took Dick to wake up.
Tim woke Bruce up with a gentle nudge, Jason and Damian were already talking softly to Dick but he didn't have enough strength yet.
Bruce stumbled there holding his side and he cried again as soon as he saw those vibrant blue focused on his. Leaning over, face on Dick's chest, and Bruce sobbed again. This would've broken him if his other lovers were not there with them. They had what Bruce needed to go on, to be strong for them in exchange.
"I'm sorry, baby… I'm so sorry…"
"Hey, B"
"Don't talk. Keep your strength"
His voice was so weak Bruce felt like breaking down again but tried not to for his own sake.
The next couple of hours were a blur for the family. A lot of people came and went: doctors, nurses, a specialist, friends… Bruce wouldn't leave him alone unless he had to use the toilet, and his boys brought him food whenever they felt like he needed it so he was always close to Dick.
Finally, the doctors allowed Dick to sit up and have some bland food to test his stomach. He was alone with Dick, at last, thanks to Alfred who helped them have a moment to talk about the other part of his injuries.
As he opened his mouth, Dick interrupted abruptly.
"If you say sorry one more time, I'm going to slap you"
"Alright, I won't say it. It's… Dick, I don't know how to tell you. Doctor Thea told me something a few hours after your surgery" he got the papers out of his pants, half crumpled, and put them near Dick's hand. Dick only had eyes for him, looking into his soul like always. "Something I'm still trying to understand…"
"B., can you just say it? If I'm going to die, I want to know"
"What? No, no, Dick… you're fine, you're fighting with tooth and nail, you're not dying" he pushed the papers into his hand as he cupped his boy's cheek. They bandaged his neck and shaved half of his hair off, but still the most beautiful man in the world. "Due to your injuries, bleeding and shock, you… you had a miscarriage, Dick. You've been pregnant since after the pollen incident, and…"
"I was pregnant?"
"I know you've never wanted it, but it's my fault you got pregnant and it's my fault that you lost it. You… I don't know what to do, Dick"
Then Dick frowned even if it hurt him but took the papers and read over the crumpled pages, silent, instead of screaming at Bruce. He wanted the screaming, the slapping and the cursing. He deserved it.
"Dick…?"
"Sshh" then, a minute later, they locked eyes. "Okay, what the fuck are you talking about? How is it your fault?"
"The pollen…"
"Ivy"
"The effects-"
"Couldn't be avoided, Bruce"
"My self-control then"
L
"You're only human. And Jason fucked me, too. And Tim! Little shit wasn't even affected by the pollen? Remember? I do. Damian can't get me knocked up, but he joined the party"
"It still happened because I failed"
"But failed, what, exactly? You did what you were supposed to do, Bruce. You even protected me from Jason, do you blame him? Could've been yours, though? You got a vasectomy a week after our first time when I was… fourteen, I think, remember? I know it's the reversible kind and the pollen might have fucked with it, but… Could've been pregnant by you, Jason or Tim. Are you going to tell them off?"
Bruce licked his lips, ashamed of his martyr tendencies again. That's what Dick called him once, then Tim years ago. They were right, of course.
"No"
"No" Dick imitated him and brought a hand over Bruce's. "Bruce, you're not a rapist demanding to know why I killed your baby" Bruce flinched at that, but Dick kept talking. "I didn't know I was pregnant, and my body would've probably rejected it before it could really grow… I've had a miscarriage before, I just didn't know at that time. And I got an abortion when we were not together… I'm sorry I didn't tell you, baby. But I don't want to tell you who it was because he will never know and it doesn't matter now"
Bruce was absolutely sure he'd kill the man who dared to get Dick pregnant and make his boy not trust him enough to tell him. Sometimes he was surprised by how many people have been in Dick's bed and how very few have had his heart. He's known about beautiful, strong and highly interesting women, but the men were… questionable. Most one-night stands looked like Bruce, the rest were closer to Dick's age but with a variety of flaws that made the older man wonder why would Dick go along with that.
Now he didn't care about Dick's sex life when they weren't together, but he's always cared about him and his safety.
"As you wish" Bruce agreed, keeping his need to know buried until forgotten. "I'm just relieved you-"
"Did the bullet hurt me inside? Like… uterus and ovaries?"
"N-no… No, your intestines. But they fixed it and you're recovering well enough"
Dick nodded and leaned in slow to kiss him. It was brief, sweet and perfect. Bruce didn't deserve anything like that, or someone like Dick… not now, not in a lifetime.
"Okay, okay… that's good. I didn't want a 'surprise hysterectomy', you know?"
"Oh"
"It's a joke, B. I'm joking, you can laugh"
"I don't think I can laugh right now, my love" he was happy to see Dick alive and close-to-well, though.
"I've made my choices, Bruce. In the past, and now. You're exonerated from all this if you ever were to blame, alright? I'm not worried about the miscarriage, but I'll need to make an appointment to talk about my birth control. Actually, once I'm home we all need to talk and update this issue"
Bruce nodded, and made a mental note to take Damian to his doctor too. Damian refused condoms and took pills every day that went well with his testosterone shots, but Dick was right: they needed to talk about it as a family.
"You're right"
"I know I am"
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"About being right?"
"Dick" a sigh.
"Okay, okay… Uhm… Not really. Not yet, I think. It's a bit of a shock, right?"
"Dick, it's more than a shock" Bruce swallowed and sighed right after, feeling nauseous. "If you find out you're pregnant in the future, please tell us. No one is going to make you do anything you don't want to"
"Oh, I know, Bruce" Dick smiled and asked for help to lay back down, the papers reporting his miscarriage forgotten by his side. "I'd like to see them try… But I'll tell you, I promise. It's different when it's either of you because I know and trust you. So, if anything happens, you'll know"
°°°
"You were eavesdropping"
Jon jumped and turned to see Diana looking at him, raising an eyebrow.
"Shit! I-I-I didn't mean to! I just heard something weird, and…"
"So?"
"So, what?"
"What did you hear?"
"Uh, I… crap, okay. Dick had a miscarriage after the shooting"
"Oh, poor kid"
"Yeah, but… there's something weird. Bruce and Dick…"
"Yeah, they made it public not too long ago. Your father wrote about it, too"
"I know, but… Diana, I think Bruce groomed Dick as a kid"
"What?"
"Dick said something about him getting a vasectomy after their first time and Dick was fourteen"
"I'm gonna kill him"
"Can we tell dad? Shit, do you think he did it? Or that he does it to the others"
"Why do you say that?"
"Damian… I mean, it's strange, but I think he's having sex with one or two of them"
"Stop, stop… we need to have a discussion or two at this point"