Chapter Text
Gagging and dry heaving sounds bounce around the walls of Shouto's bathroom. fast enough. He's so screwed. They have everything, a video.
The room was spinning, closing in and Shouto felt so dizzy. Panic filling up his chest. His breaths are uneven. Shallow and fast, like the air couldn't get inside his lungs
How the hell did they have a video? Who was this person, anyway? Fuck. He can't let anyone know about this. It would be the end of his career. though.
His legs are shaky when he stands up. His hand reaches to the sink, he's so screwed. It feels like death's knocking on his door. His head is spiraling, thoughts running.
There's no way that was real.
He stares at himself in the mirror. Drool glistening down his chin, red eyes, tears running down his face. He looks like death. Feels like it too There's no way someone saw them. No way someone took a video. No way it was real. Maybe he dreamt it. An illusion made up completely from the corners of his own mind
It's not real.
It's not.
So why where his hands shaking? Why was his heart beating so fast?
Shouto swallows the lump in his throat. Tries to think of anything else. The photoshoot he was hired for in two days. The band he collaborated with for Jeanist's brand. Dynamight.
They're all gonna see it. Everyone's gonna see it.
See him on his knees with his mouth open for his manager while Tokuda mumbles about him being a good baby.
Everyone will see him. See what he did.
He needs to calm down. Needs to feel better. Like that wave of calmness. Needs something for this panic that's clawing at his chest. Shouto's legs before he can think too hard about it. Into the living room. His eyes are wide when they lock onto the bottle of pills.
Xanax.
And for the first time there's no hesitation before his hands force the lid open. No second guessing before he downs all remaining three pills down his throat.
He swallows and waits.
And waits.
And waits…
Why isn't it working? Why doesn't he feel calm? The anxiety is tripling. Rising higher and higher. He stands up, paces the room. Why aren't the pills doing anything? He needs more. That will help. Surely it will Shouto stumbles into his room. Grabs his phone.
The message stares back.
He swipes out and into Tokuda's contact. Types out with shaky hands:
Shouto.
I need more of those pills.
Please.
He keeps his eyes on the phone, stares as the delivered turns into read. Stares as three dots jump around. A message comes through.
Manager Tokuda.
You run out already?
They're on their way, baby.
Shouto can't stop the sigh that comes out of him. The panic is still there. He needs a release. His hands need something to do, something to focus on, otherwise they're gonna shake right off his wrist.
…
The refrigerator is empty except for stale bread and beer. His eyes zero in on the beer. It would feel nice, right? Alcohol calms someone. Calms their racing heart and their racing minds. His fingers reach out and brush the beers neck. Shouto stops.
He shuts the fridge door, throws open the freezer and pulls out the vodka. Two thirds of the way full.
He doesn't usually drink.
Shouto moves to grab a cup. Thinks better of it, pulls open the lid and he chugs.
An immediate bur rushes down his throat. He pulls the glass away from his lips, breathing heavily into the hallow.
He feels cold sweat all over his body. He feels dizzy.
He needs a seat.
…
His legs are trembling when they take him to the couch. His forehead is sweaty. He's so tired Fuck him.
Fuck Tokuda for forcing him into this mess.
Shouto brings the glass up to his lips again. His eyes look at the table in front of him. Messy magazines sprawled all over. the pill container has toppled over.
Empty.
He takes another chug
…
Shouto feels calm.
Like the sort of calm where there isn't anything bad waiting for you. He feels like he's on cloud nine. As if he were floating. His heart feels like it has slowed down. No longer threatening to burst out of him. His breathing has slowed down, too.
Everything feels slow.
He feels tired.
He should probably take a nap.
Shouto stretches his arm to place the nearly empty vodka bottle. The bottom of the bottle touches the table and suddenly Shouto can't keep his eyes open. He forces them wide, he just needs to put down the bottle. His body feels heavy, his eyelids heavier.
Shouto doesn't hear it when the bottle falls.
…
Shouto feels... Well, he doesn't really feel like anything. His head feels all fogged up, no room for thoughts. He feels hands slap his face and a voice calling for him. He can't hear it all that well.
His eyes blink open and through blurry vision he sees a flash pointed in his eyes. He groans and turns his head.
…
The next time Shouto blinks his eyes open it's to bright lights and white walls. His ears immediately perk at the sound of machines beeping next to him. He turns his head sluggishly and furrows his brows at the hear monitor next to him. There's an IV line stuck to his arm. Hell, what happened? Shouto feels groggy. His head is pounding, fuck.
The sound of a door opening grabs his attention and he turns his eyes just in time to see a nurse walk in.
"Oh!"
Her eyes are wide, like she didn't expect him to be awake. She smiles softly and he stares at her as she fiddles with the IV.
"Do you know where you are?"
"Hospital." His voice comes out rough. The nurse winces and hands him a cup of water.
"How do you feel, Shouto?"
The water is warm when it goes down his throat. Her hand is on his shoulder as she fluffs the pillow behind him.
"Sick."
"Okay.. Do you know what day it is?"
"Tuesday? Or..”
"It's Friday." The nurse's smile is clipped, forced. "I'm glad to see you awake. I'll go call the doctor."
She leaves the room leaving Shouto alone. His eyes scan the room and they fall on a phone sitting innocently on the table next to the bed. His phone. The message.
Shit.
…
"What do you remember, Shouto?"
The doctor is a short older woman, grey hair pulled into a neat bun, thin glasses resting high on her nose. Her voice is gentle but stern, she's looking at Shouto with squinted eyes.
"I.. I was at home."
“Doing what?"
Drinking."
Shouto's voice comes out small, Shaky. He looks down at his twitching finger. The doctor hums.
"We found benzodiazepines in your blood. How many pills did you take?" His eyes lock onto hers. Fuck.
"How many pills did you take, Shouto?"
Shouto takes a deep breath in. "Three." His voice is quiet when he says it.
"What about the alcohol? How much did you drink?" He shakes his head at her. "I... I don't know."
His head feels heavy and he's so ashamed. So ashamed. His ears are burning and he tries to focus on the beeping of the heart monitor. His eyes are darting all over the place, he's too embarrassed to even look her in the eyes.
"Shouto."
He hums and keeps his eyes locked on his fingers.
"Shouto look at me."
He turns her eyes to look at the doctor. Her face transforms from stern to understanding when she catches his eyes. She steps closer to him. Her voice goes impossibly soft when she asks.
"Shouto, did you mean to harm yourself?"
…
Tokuda steps in to the hospital room already angry. The door shuts behind him and he walks, steps heavy, right to Shouto's side. Shouto hears his own breathing speed up, the beeping of the heart monitor increasing.
"What were you trying to do there, Shouto? Huh? Were you trying to kill yourself?" Shouto feels tears well up in his eyes, he didn't mean to. He shakes his head. "I didn't mean-" "You didn't mean what? What didn't you mean for Shouto? How dense are you that you didn't even fucking think? Do you want to die? Is this some sort of sick game you're playing?" Every question Tokuda asks the higher his voice gets. He's yelling now, his fingers are wrapped tightly around Shouto's hospital gown and his knuckles had gone white.
"Answer me, Shouto." Tokuda's voice came out angry, his eyes are seething and Shouto thinks he should tell him about the message. Should tell him about the video, the threat.
Tokuda's face is only a couple inches away from Shouto's. Shouto leans in and kisses him. Tries not to think too hard about the feeling of this being wrong. Not to focus about the bitter taste in the back of his throat.
"Shouto...”
Shouto hums and kisses him again. Small pecks to hopefully distract Tokuda enough to let this go.
"Don't... Don't think-mm... you can get away... From.. this."
But, Tokuda's hands are caressing his jaw, his eyes are closed and he's melting right into Shouto's hands. Shouto backs away and kisses Tokuda's cheek. He smiles at him as sweetly as he can, ignoring the weight that's pooling in his stomach.
"Don't worry about me, okay?"
*T'm not. I'm worried about the media finding this out. There's already a photo circulating the internet of the ambulance outside your house."
"Your father told me to tell you that you'll be on a short leave."
"A short leave?"
"Only two weeks. Be grateful you aren't fired. The hospital wants to keep you for observation."
Shit.
"When can I leave?"
"Soon, if you’re good."
Tokuda leans in and kisses him. He mumbles a 'Don't mess up.’ and leaves, closing the door behind him. Shouto sits in the silence for a solid minute before he reaches for his phone. Better look at the damage now instead of being oblivious, right? His hands are already shaking when he unlocks his phone. He stares at the lock screen as notifications from multiple media apps fill the screen. One notification stands out against the rest. His heart speeds up as soon as he sees it. An Instagram DM.
K.E.M.DYNAMIGHT
K.E.M.DYNAMIGHT sent a video.
K.E.M.DYNAMIGHT: You alright?
The video sent was the same one Tokuda had talked about. A shaky video that shows an ambulance and police lights surrounding his apartment building. The video continues till he sees himself being wheeled out with Tokuda running after him. It cuts out shortly after.
Shouto_Official: I'm okay.
K.E.M.DYNAMIGHT: and here i thought your dumbass ghosted me
Shouto_Official: Ghosted you?
K.E.M.DYNAMIGHT: yeah
K.E.M.DYNAMIGHT: you never texted me
Shouto_Official: How would I have texted you?
KE.M.DYNAMIGHT: uh
K.E.M.DYNAMIGHT: i gave you my number?
K.E.M.DYNAMIGHT: didnt you see it?
Shouto_Official: No?
K.E.M.DYNAMIGHT: omfg
Shouto_Official: When did you give me your number?
K.E.M.DYNAMIGHT: ffs
K.E.M.DYNAMIGHT: when i shoved it in your jacket
Shouto_Official: Oh.
K.E.M.DYNAMIGHT: yeah oh
K.E.M.DYNAMIGHT: dumbass
Shouto_Official: I didn't see it.
K.E.M.DYNAMIGHT: yeah i fucking gathered that
K.E.M.DYNAMIGHT: i gotta speak with you
K.E.M.DYNAMIGHT: when are you free?
Shouto_Official: In a couple of days
Shouto_Official: What is it that you need?
K.E.M.DYNAMIGHT: later
K.E.M.DYNAMIGHT: call me then
Shouto_Official: Okay.
…
In the following days, the media doesn't calm down. And soon enough, paparazzi are loitering around the hospital with cameras looking for him. It takes all about two days until the hospital sends him home claiming privacy for patients as the reasoning.
Tokuda sends him a message in the afternoon to tell him that a driver is waiting for him by the back door.
Shouto goes back home to find it unexpectedly neat. Different from how he left it. The first thing he does is reach for the navy jacket strewn across the back of his couch. His hands dig into the pockets and pull out a napkin. One with a series of numbers written messily above a signature. Dynamight written in bold strokes, Shouto smiles as his fingers trace the lines.
He looks up and sees a brown bag at the center of coffee table to find a small brown bag with a piece of paper under it. A brown bag he knows. He feels his heart start to beat when he rounds the couch to reach for it.
Inside the bag there were two small containers. Two? The white paper underneath is written in messy curves. Tokuda's handwriting.
Shouto.
I got you Xanax and sleeping pills both are your fathers orders. He tells you to sleep better and if the same situation as last time were to happen, I've got a video of you.
It's incriminating and if it were to be leaked to the media...
Well, guess you can figure that part out yourself.
We're trusting you with these Shouto. Don't disappoint us again.
Great. Just great.
He'll deal with this later.
…
Shouto fishes his phone out of his pocket, types in a number into his contacts and swipes into the chat.
Shouto: Hello. This is Shouto.
He shuts of his phone. In need of a hot shower.
When Shouto opens up his phone again, his lips stretch into a small smile when he sees the notification.
Dynamight: hey loser
Dynamight: took you long enough.
Shouto: Yes, I apologize. Would you like to call now? I am free.
Dynamight: ugh
Dynamight: cant rm im at the studio
Shouto: Okay, Later then.
Dynamight: yeah give me like 2 hours
Shouto: Okay, Bye.
…
Later doesn't come and Shouto's stuck staring at the ceiling in his room, waiting
Just waiting.
But, it's been 7 hours since he's been left on seen and Shouto can feel his eyelids growing heavier by the second. Nevertheless he tries to stay up, just in case.
In a last effort attempt to stay up he reaches for his phone and opens up TikTok. He scrolls mindlessly for a while till he reaches a video that stops him in his tracks.
The video showed the face of a girl, someone he doesn't recognise. Covering her face are lines of text that reads;
Anyone shocked about the vid of shouto and his manager? i gen cant wrap my head around it.
Huh.
What video?
Shouto sits up a little straighter and clicks on the comments.
user43: OMG!! I JUST SAW IT WTFFF?????!!
user60: legit unfollowed him for this didnt know he could be such a slut
—> user73 replied to user60: the guys 19 jeez let him be
user19: ughhh models always turn out to be whores dont know what u guys are so surprised about??
user68: it was hot Imao what r u guys on?
user89: nooo my babyyy :((
user55: what vid ru guys talking about?? i cant find it??
—> user93 replied to user55: open up twt its lit evrywhere
Shouto feels a cold layer of sweat covering his skin when he opens up twitter. How long was this trending for? The trending page's first two hashtags are, #Shouto and #Shoutoleaked
When he clicks on the hashtag, millions of posts load in, most of them have a video attached.
Shit shit shit shit!
Not now, no no no no.
He thought he had more time.
The video loads and its that same exact video he got in his inbox a week ago. The one where he's on his knees in front of his manager while Tokuda huffs and whispers about him being a good boy. Tokuda's baby.
…
There are loud bangs at his door. They're loud and fast and so so angry. It breaks Shouto out of his daze and he rushes out of bed to throw the door open.
"Toku-“
"Tokuda? You calling for him, slut?"
A hard slap echoes throughout the apartment.
"What the fuck did I do to you, huh? Gave you a job, a career, a fucking manager!"
Strong hands grab him by the collar and they shove him hard against the wall. Shouto's ears are ringing.
"This is how you repay me, Shouto? By whoring yourself out and-"
"Father-"
"The entire internet saw it!"
A punch lands on his cheek.
"Do you know what you've done? How am I supposed to fix this, Shoulo?"
Enj's hands grab him by the chin,
"I’ll kill you here, Shouto, I’ll kill you right here."
"Dad-!"
"Don't call me that! I am not your father! A sex tape, Shouto? How do you think I felt when when my assistant showed me that video? Huh, Shouto? To see my son on his knees like a fucking whore-!”
Enji pulls him away from the wall just to throw him back again.
Shouto's head is spinning, he's gonna pass out.
"In front of his fucking manager!"
Enji punches the wall next to his head.
"What the fuck should I do with you, huh, Shouto?"
"Should I kill you? You're fucking pathetic. A degenerate."
"Father-...”
"Shut it!"
…
Shouto feels himself slip into unconsciousness...