Chapter Text
“UGH! YOU ARE UNBELIEVABLE YOU LITTLE FREAK!’ Mercedes roars at the top of her lungs, retreating to her room. She throws the door open, and slams it shut, before the roiling storm in her wants to get in one last reminder, and once again swings the door open, ‘AND STAY THE FUCK OUT OF MY ROOM!!” before thrashing it back into place, causing framed band posters to shiver. Some empty glass from her desk gives into the pressure of her anger and chooses to take the long dive to the mess of a floor, somehow not shattering. She dodges her Trans flag guitar, and takes a dive onto her mess of a bed. Mercedes’ hands strangle her pillow, and she screams into it until her throat feels raw. Once again, Kim fucking decided to push her buttons. Push her farther. Get annoying, trying to force her way back into Mercedes’ life. It pisses her off so much.
With her initial anger out, Mercedes feels some level of calm enough to grab her Ipod and plug some earbuds in, and pull up KiTTiE’s newest album, ‘I Failed You’. She feels the wrath of the guitar flow through her, and reaches down to the side of her bed. She starts mouthing along to the song, as she grabs her little stash of contraband, pulling her last blunt up. A quick click, some fire, and she lights it up. Taking a few starting puffs before laying back, finally able to relieve the stress of this bullshit day. Fucking. As if having to go to school wasn’t shit enough, now the moment she gets on the bus her sister has to be all fucking over her. And when she tried to fucking gently push her away, fucking Nooo. Then she starts poking and prodding and insulting her. Fucking. Trying to be all cute and shit. Why couldn’t she just fucking skate home!
Though, as the music dulls into a short calm, Mercedes has to sigh to herself. At least that was the last day of school before winter break. And more importantly, she knows exactly why Kim can’t go home on her own. She’s been tied to Mercedes’ hip even when the two of them thought they were guys. She kind of misses it, but. It’s for Kim’s own good. She’s just so… Mercedes shakes the blooming thought from her head. Instead, she feels her buzzing mind return to the fight she had yesterday with Kim. It was over stupid shit. Mercedes trying to pull away, refusing to humor Kim’s desire to return to when they were younger. Kim pushing further, trying to drag Mercedes out of her anger. Mercedes refusing to engage, hoping that ignoring Kim will cause her to walk away. Kim being aggravating, poking and prodding and mocking Mercedes. And then, Mercedes blew up again. Screaming and shouting and swearing, and getting it back in kind. And then, Mercedes retreated into her room, and started thrashing on her guitar, screaming and playing and getting her emotions out. Started over Kim wanting to go skating with her. It was stupid.
It's been like that every day. Has been for months. Fights over stupid shit. Fights with Kim so Mercedes can just get away, but Kim won’t stop pushing. Fights with teachers and disciplinarians for her not being a perfect little girl in fucking pink skirts and stars in her eyes. Fights with Mom over her slipping grades and “behaviour issues” while Kim got in just as much, if not more trouble than her! Fights with Momma for fucking… Mercedes can’t think of that right now. Hurts too much. Only people who don’t fight with her are her friends, who at least know how to distract her. Frustrated tears pry their way past Mercedes’ eyes. And then tears of grief. Over what happened to her… it. It’s what started this. It’s what caused her to have that one fight with Kim only a few months after she came out. Her stoned mind and the angry music moves her to remember it, like it happened yesterday.
It was the weekend. After… the incident. A few days after it in fact. Kim was being happy and euphoric and following Mercedes around. For the first time in her life, Mercedes felt the anger build. Kim just didn’t understand. Didn’t understand what she was getting into. Didn’t understand the dangers. She will get hurt. So fucking badly. So Mercedes, still dressing like a girly girl, not in her goth getup she does in modern times, spun on her heels, and bared down on the kid, trying to look imposing.
“Kim.”
“Yeah?”
“I need you to stop.” Mercedes says, cold. It hurt but her face refused to display anything.
“What? Stop what ‘Cedes?” Kim asks, eyes wide and surprised. God damn she’s so cute.
“Stop copying me…” It’s for her own good. She wouldn’t… she wouldn’t survive what happened to Mercedes.
“W-what do you mean?”
“Stop. Stop trying to be me. Stop dressing like me, stop acting like me, stop trying to be me!” Mercedes shouts, using anger to force past her fear.
“But, I love you… And I want to be like you. Brave and strong and pretty.” Kim says, innocently. Mercedes feels herself shatter. Any means of holding back breaks away, and anger and fear flood into her.
“Stop trying to be a girl like me!” Mercedes roars, for the first time. Kim’s eyes start filling with tears. Oh fuck…
“Wh-what? ‘Cedes? I… I’m not trying to copy you like that. I… I really am. I thought y-”
“YOU DON'T GET IT’ Mercedes says, her voice hitting a new octave. ‘I KNOW YOU'RE COPYING ME! DON'T FUCKING DO THIS! YOU'LL-’ Kim's eyes are wide with fear and full of tears of betrayal. But she needs to hear this. ‘You'll hurt yourself…”
“I-I-I,’ Kim starts, clearly trying to hold back tears, unsuccessfully. ‘I'm not copying you!’ A hiccup, her face is turning red and tears are flowing free, ‘I AM a girl! If I wasn't I wo-uldn't say I am! I wa-was so scared to say it! AND THEN YOU DID! AND YOU WERE SO BRAVE! OF COURSE I WANT TO BE LIKE YOU!” Kim finishes, stomping a foot and fists balled up. She's wearing a similar outfit to Mercedes’ sense of style. Similar to the one that…
“Look!’ Mercedes shouts, with far less power, ‘I… I just. Stop fucking copying me.’ The look on Kim’s face is too painful, ‘And leave me alone!” Mercedes shouts.
Kim’s eyes water further, tears stream down her face. The betrayal that fills it. God it hurts so much. Kim looks directly into Mercedes' eyes and says “I hate you.” Before running off, audibly crying and stomping her feet. Dejected, calmed down, and with nothing to protect left in the hallway, Mercedes simply says,
“I just don’t want you to get hurt.”
The Music returns, and Mercedes blinks, from the all too vivid daydream for this to just be weed. She shrugs, must’ve gotten one of Mike’s blends by accident. Just shrooms. Wouldn’t be the first time she did them. But. Still. She looks up at the roof. She wishes she didn’t have to push her sister away. She wishes they could stop fighting. She wishes that she didn’t do this for her own sakes… Fuck she encouraged her to detransition. Guilt seeps into every crack in Mercedes that’s not already filled with anger. She spins and takes another puff of the precious blunt. She wishes she didn’t have to do all of this. She wishes there was another way to help Kim. But. There isn’t. If there was… She sighs, and wonders how Kim’s dealing with all this. Despite everything, she seems pretty happy. Maybe nothing happened yet. Which is why she needs to just… get her to wait a little bit. No matter how impossible that is. Fuck it, she pulls as hard as she can, and slips into another hallucination daydream.
>====>
Kim stands there in the living room, seething. She just wants to get close to her hero again! But no! A screaming match, slammed door, and a feeling of betrayal and silence. Again. Ugh! Kim grabs a nearby throw pillow and screams into it. Why does she want to get away so much! Kim can’t help but feel tears drip from her eyes. She just wants to be close to her big sister. But Mercedes always rebuffs her gentle attempts at rekindling their sisterhood, and gets furious when Kim tries less subtle attempts at getting her attention. Kim sighs. She doesn’t understand how this happened to Mercedes. She used to be so much nicer, so much kinder. She’d smile and laugh off anything, diffuse any situation. She didn’t start fights, she prevented them! Then, one day, out of nowhere, she just. Got so fucking angry. And Kim knows what that’s like! The blind, destructive rage that lashes at anything and everything! It sucks! So much! It left Kim when she was brave enough to figure herself out, replaced by a simmering dissent towards bigoted pricks and people who abuse their power. Mercedes is stuck in the blind anger.
But! That doesn’t change how many nasty things that Mercedes said to Kim. Again. Kim feels her frustration grow once more. Why does she have to be so mean about it? Kim scoffs. Well, whatever. If she can’t be close to her sister right now, she’ll head out instead. Maybe Stacy is available. She feels her cheeks flush and smiles. Kim loves that woman. She shreds up a storm, and is so pretty. The two of them met when they crashed into each other at the skate park. They were friends for a short while, but when some jerk tried to grab at Stace’s ass, and Kim broke his nose, the two grew really close, really fast. She pulls her phone out and sends off a quick text to Stacy.
“Hey babe, got in another fight with the Sis, ya free to hang?”
“Yeah. Parents are working, and Angela is out, so I’m completely free’
‘Whatchya fight about?”
Kim sighs and types on her phone, “Ugh. She screamed at me because I wanted to sit next to her on the bus. Wanna meet at the park?”
A few seconds, then “You sure you don’t want to come over?’
‘Nobody’s home” Kim lets out a quiet ‘oh’, thinking that’s what she meant. Yeah she could go for that.
“OH! Yeah that’ll be fun. I’m coming right over.”
Kim grabs her bag and skateboard and starts to run past her moms worried faces. She doesn’t doubt she still looks pissed but shouts anyways, “Heading out to Stace’s house! I’ll be a bit!” And runs out the door, skateboard hitting the ground and Kim taking off with a freshly practiced balance. She feels her skater skirt flow overtop her tights, her girly hoodie flowing in the wind with her. She takes in a deep breath as she speeds down the road as fast as she can, weaving through the people walking their dogs in the neighborhood, and aiming for the more impoverished parts of town. She does a quick lil ollie, as she goes up curbs, and onto the sidewalk. Rolling through the streets, weaving through people, across familiar stores, past their shared school, and finally, to the apartment complex where Stace lives. Kim attempts a kickflip up the stairs to the building and eats Concrete when her foot catches the side of her board. She groans in pain and starts to laugh, high off adrenaline. Still can’t nail it. Will one day.
A minute of laughing at the absolute embarrassment of a dive is what Kim needs to calm her nerves. She shakily stands up, and shoots Stacy a text saying that she’s here. She hears the click of the locks to the building as the door opens, and rushes inside. She heads to the elevator, and hears a ping as it hits the ground floor, Stacy basically jumping into her arms with a hug and a kiss. She smiles, pulls back, and Kim notices a tinge of red on her brown cheeks, probably Kim’s own blood. Honestly, Kim can’t help but feel like the blood looks really cute on her. A thought that Stacey should try wearing some neon reds instead of the bright greens that take up both her hair and half her outfit creeps into Kim’s mind. An instinctual chuckle passes through Kim’s chest, probably indicating something wrong with herself. Stacey looks at her, at first confused, then a little annoyed. She runs a finger over Kim’s bleeding nose and sighs.
“Kim, babe. Did you try to hop the curb again?”
“Ah nah, I tried to kickflip it.” Kim nervously chuckles out. It’s embarrassing to eat shit every time, even if she can’t help but laugh.
“Babe… You know you can’t make that.” The disappointment on Stacey’s face is deep. Though the smirk says a lot too.
“I will one day.”
“You’re going to break something doing it! I? It’s winter! What if it were icy out?”
“Hey, I'm fine, Stace, just a cut. Okay?”
Stacy sighs, and smiles softly, “Yeah. Just. Don't get yourself hurt okay?”
“Of course. Now are we going to go to your place or just fuck here in the lobby?”
Stace chuckles, and takes Kim by the hand, dragging her into the elevator, Kim stumbling, unsteady from hitting the ground. She drops her skateboard and falls into a clumsy kiss with Stacy, feeling her arms wrap around her. A soft moan from Stacey elicits a soft chuckle from Kim, who takes her hands up the back of her girlfriend's shirt, feeling the texture of her skin. She rides her hands up and down Stace’s spine, lifting shirt up, revealing her stomach, which Kim can’t help but move a hand down to grasp at. The two make out, barely straddling the line of sex, until the elevator stops, and the doors slide open. The two quickly unlatch, and leave the elevator, grabbing Kim’s skateboard, as the woman on the other side rolls her eyes and swaps places with them. The two of them sheepishly walk down the hall to Stacy's family’s apartment.
Though as soon as they pass the threshold, and close the door, the two immediately get right back into it. Feeling the warmth of each other. Feeling the connection of each other’s touch. Kim never tires of it. Stace gracefully dodges the few possessions the family has in the dance of passion, while Kim stumbles through, focused purely on her girlfriend, moving through whatever tries to get between them. Through the living room slash kitchen, they stumble into the small bedroom that Stacey and her sister Angela share.
Still, Kim doesn’t process anything around her. The decorations are well known to her, and anything new she’ll notice after their fun. Instead she focuses on her girlfriend. Her cute neons and darks. Green fishnets and black and neon tops and tights, hiding her beautiful self that only Kim gets to see. Pulling up her shirt lets her see the scars of scraps the two of them fought together, her pants hiding the ones that she had to face alone. Scars of self hatred. Scars of desperation for relief. Lines carved into her dark skin, both of deeper and lighter tones. It’s beautiful to Kim. It matches her own pink trails that dance across her thighs. Trails she stopped adding to after she gathered her courage and said who she was, for the world to know. Still, the blades do sing her name every now and again. She throws the thought out. She has a beautiful partner to attend to.
Kim raises Stacy’s shirt further, exposing her chest to her. As her breath shudders, Kim once again looks upon her girlfriend’s naked top with lust, whispering how “You’re so beautiful.” before diving into another deep kiss, feeling the warmth build in her gut. Stacey moans back in kind, and kisses back, hungry, needy, hands tracing up Kim’s own back. Kim smiles, feeling glad about herself, before stopping, feeling her words stumble, her momentum freezing, and feeling herself fall flat on her face emotionally. She smiles sheepishly at Stacy, and sighs.
“Sorry… I just. Fuck, Stace. You’re wonderful but I just. Can’t right now.”
Stacy’s face twists with disappointment, but she closes her eyes, “Yeah. Fair. Wanna talk about it?”
“Yeah, it’s the constant fighting,’ Kim starts, falling over to Stacey’s side, who pulls her into a hug, ‘I just. You know how much I fucking love ‘Cedes right?”
“Yeah I do. You know I’d kill for Angela, so I get it.”
“How do you two do it?”
Stacey looks up, a slight tinge of fear in her eyes, but mostly surprise fills them, “What?”
“How do you two get along so well,’ Kim continues, oblivious to Stacey’s reaction, ‘I never see you two fight, at least, nowhere near as bad as ‘Cedes and me do. I see you hugging and cuddling and being good sisters together. I see you standing up for her and her thanking you. How do you do it Stace’? How do you get along with your sister?”
“... Shit. I guess we’re close and we talk. have you tried talking to her?”
“I have! She just chases me away! I wish she would talk to me.”
“Yeah… I wonder though.’ Stacey says, staring up at the top bunk. Kim turns over, smelling Stacey’s hair as she does. Kim really does love her. Sometimes they feel almost sisterly… She brushes that thought away. Kim makes a soft sound of curiosity.
‘I remember you telling me she suddenly changed one day. Became really angry like you used to be. I wonder…”
“Wonder what?”
“Nothing.’ Stacey says, Kim noting a distinct fear in her eyes. ‘Just a dumb thought I had… I don’t think you should give up on Mercedes though. You love her, and it sounds like she needs someone who does.”
“Yeah. Thank you Stace’. I love you.”
“Love you too babe.”
Kim lays back, her mind returning to the first time Mercedes and her fought. She remembers the way she loomed, the way she screamed, the things she said. How she tried to stop Kim from leaping into happiness, and dissuade her from being trans. Kim feels herself start to cry, and as she does, arms wrap around her. Comforting and close. Kim continues to cry. Not sobbing. Just, slowly, silent tears of grief from a relationship strained, nearly shattered. The blades sing her name again. And they blame her for losing her sister.