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Ilya just cleaned up the bathroom after he and Shane had given their son a top and tail. He then walks out of the bathroom and sees that Shane is breastfeeding their son, Luka. He walks circling the bed to go to his side of the bed and climb it so that he can sit beside Shane. For a moment, they just sit there in silence, relishing the moment.
“I could hear that noise forever. That cute sucking squeak noise, the chugging noise and the ‘mnh-mnh’ he keeps making” Shane breaks the silence.
“Da. I notice is more loud after he had a bath. I think is reward for him after the war,” Ilya answers, agreeing while his thumb gently strokes Luka’s arm then moves to his cheeks, that’s making a wave-like movement.
When Shane breastfeeds Luka, he hardly takes his eyes off of him. Breastfeeding his son is more than just a feeding activity that makes his baby full. It's a task with checklists that needs to be completed. Shane needs to know that his son is full, not too much or less. Shane needs to make sure his son is breathing accordingly so he doesn't choke. Shane needs to be prepared for any movement from his baby that could lead to discomfort whether it's for his Luka and himself.
Ilya loves this moment every time. It melts his heart every time. Everything that he and Shane have done together has always been a sweet and happy memory, but some moments feel more grounded and home. This feels like home, every time. Ilya notices that Shane’s focus has shifted to other than the breastfeeding task.
“Talk to me,” Ilya coaxed Shane.
“Hm?” Shane responds, finally breaking his intense stare from Luka to look at his husband.
“What do you have in mind?” Ilya asks, “Your thinking very loud,” he adds.
Shane just smiles softly and turns his head to Luka again. Ilya understands the cue. Several minutes passed, Shane helped Luka to release his nipple. Luka lets out a deep sigh, he makes a small head movement that gives his hand a space to rest under his chin.
“Come here, mal'chik” as Ilya took him from Shane’s arm and put him on the left part of his body, then gently tapped his back until he heard the small burping sound. “There we go, good job” he lifts him up gently and cradles him and starts to give the baby small kisses. "You are very cute, mal'chik. You smell like baby, my baby. You smell also like your dada"
“Careful. He’s gonna get annoyed if you keep kissing and breathing onto him” Shane gave his warning.
“Is okay. If baby wakes, we are going to play” Ilya answers teasingly.
“Ilya” Shane says in a soft serious but warning tone
“I’m just playing, moya lyubov'” Ilya reassures.
"You're not going to put him in the baby bed?" Ilya wonders.
“The crib?" Shane crooked his eyebrow.
"Da, baby bed" Ilya insists.
Shane smirks and rolls his eyes, “No, I don't want to, for now. Maybe after his midnight feed?" Shane asks hesitantly while looking at his husband's eye.
Ilya caught the signal from Shane. Whenever Shane forms a thought about something or their son like right now, he gets more protective that the needs to be close with their son just build up quickly it overwhelms him sometimes.
“Talk to me, malysh” Ilya said as he reaches out his hand to Shane’s face and starts caressing his cheek and his freckles. Shane closed his eyes, savoring the warm touch from his husband.
“I was thinking about what our son's life will be if he chooses hockey to be his thing. I know, we know, the struggles and the sacrifices we had to make. And I’m not talking about money-wise and other things. It’s the ‘thing’ that people overlook, where the ‘thing’ is actually part of ourselves. Moreover, I’m scared about the tsunami pressure that he will have to face, as the son of Hollander-Rozanov. People will put a high expectation on him and maybe there will be another great player his age then he has to go through the media set-up agenda, just like us in the past. I’m very scared for him but I don’t want to turn down his dream and passion. I want him to do anything he likes. I want him to have a happy life, to feel secure with himself, to enjoy doing things, especially to enjoy hockey if he decides it’s going to be his thing. I want him to enjoy playing it without erasing or denying a part of him. He should be himself even though, maybe, hockey is going to be his identity” Shane rambles about his overwhelming thoughts, trying his best to not spiral.
Ilya knows that out of all people, Shane knows very well how it feels to play the sport that he holds dearly for life and have a good career but limit his movement and choice to be himself, his true-self. It took Shane years to finally be able to play hockey without clinging to his "machine" title. And with the help and support from his husband, his parents and his team.
“I mean, I could not be happier if Luka chose hockey. It’s my thing, your thing, our thing for almost our whole life. It’s the instrument that makes us together, the instrument that gave us the bittersweet journey and brought us to this exact moment” Shane adds. It will be nice if their son is going to love hockey the way he and Ilya do.
That's what both of them have secretly hoped for since the moment they decided to start a family.
Ilya just lays there, never take his eyes off of talking Shane. He listens carefully to every word his husband just says. He absorbs every concern, every worry, every fear, every joy from his husband's tone and expression.
“Yes, I also feel scared for him” Ilya says now that he looks at Luka
“I will support him, no matter what. I know you will too. We maybe a rookie parents with no experience. But, I know we can, I know we can help him reach his dream, especially if it is hockey. We know the way, we know the struggle and we know when to tell him to take a break so that he doesn’t get pushed over his limit. We know how to help him when the pressure gets too much, especially when it comes from outside. And I know also that you will do everything so he can have the best career, you are going to do everything you can to support him” Ilya says softly with no doubt.
“What if I become like my mom? I mean, I love my mom and she has been my biggest helper and supporter since the moment I told her I wanna be a hockey player. But, her high ambition, elusive pressure and expectation gave me a hard time at that time to discover myself, my non-athlete, non-professional self. I know that my mom didn’t mean it like that. But still, I don’t want to pass that to Luka accidentally because of the familiarity of being raised like that” Shane said worriedly.
“I love Yuna too. I agree she used to give you some hard times and it made you confused, yes?” Ilya asks carefully.
“Yeah, then I met you and I still don’t know how you just poke and pull out parts of me that I didn’t know exist” Shane chuckles, remembering their early year encounter where he would get nervous every time Ilya reads him like an open book and guide him to things he never knew.
“You made me curious! I need to know who this boring Canadian that people talk about, the one who asked me to stop doing my business and suddenly introduced himself and very rude to show off his freckles” Ilya clarifies and definitely not denying his obsession.
"Hm, but curiosity turns into obsession I believe?" Shane asks teasingly.
"How could I not? You look very adorable, like a lost puppy that needs to be guide" Ilya agrees. They manage to let out a laugh but not too loud because there is still a presence of a tiny human between them, sleeping soundly and letting out a cooing noise sometimes.
“We are going to be okay, Luka is going to be okay. He is going to be the happiest hockey player having his best life with our support. We will navigate him but not too pushing. We will support him but not too much pressure. Hockey is not like how it was. He and other kid could have more free and not too restricted environment that could possibly erase part of them. We will teach him by showing him. We are going to make sure that it’s okay to want a goal and chase it hard but it is also okay to not want more than just a a regular competitive play. Everything we do for him is going to be proof of our love for him and he will feel it and see it.” Ilya trying to reassure Shane once again.
Shane looks at their sleeping baby boy, he still feels worried about it but after what his husband said, he feels less worry, at least for now. It eases him that he is not alone in this new journey, Ilya is definitely worried too but he is way better at controlling and not showing it. Shane knows that Ilya is going to be by his side every step of the way and he will be by Ilya’s too.
“Better?” Ilya made sure
“Yes, better. Thank you for always holding space for me. I said it before and I will always say it, I’m a very lucky person to have you as my husband. We are very lucky that we have you” Shane says.
Ilya leans his body a bit, carefully, to kiss Shane’s lips a few times, “I’m more lucky to have you in my life and to have our baby boy” Ilya says.
“I don’t... want him to sleep in his crib tonight, is it okay?” Shane asks.
“It is very okay, I don’t want to. I want to smell moy mal'chik and hear the noise he makes every time he makes cute movement” Ilya answers.
Both of them lay on bed, in the quite peaceful bubble they had created, still staring at their best creation proof of love until both fall asleep.