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Isuzu Sohma didn’t really care all that much about how she dressed as a child.
She didn’t buy her clothes; her father did. She didn’t choose what to put on in the morning; her mother did. And as a little girl, she had no issues with this.
She liked how her mother dressed her well enough. Colorful pretty dresses, cute tops with animals and heart patterns, flowery skirts and fluttering ribbons. Her mother was obsessed with making Rin look good in all circumstances; not overly so, so that it didn’t seem like she was trying too hard, but proper enough that she could pass off as the daughter of a respectable, wealthy family.
Her mother would spend at least half an hour working on her every morning; she’d stuck her in front of the mirror, brush her long hair delicately, straighten with care the clothes she’d chosen, make sure her skin was glossy and her cheeks rosy. It made her feel like one of her dolls, sometimes, and a part of Rin now wondered if that had been on purpose. Her parents surely would have preferred for her to be a doll, because at least she would’ve been much easier to manage and hid away.
Rin was never allowed to get out of the house looking any less than perfect.
And if she ever had the misfortune to get dirty or scratch herself, she was immediately punished and forcibly brought back home.
But at the time Rin didn’t mind it all that much. It was when her family was still pretending to be normal and happy, and she liked the way she was dressed, even if she had no choice in the matter.
After all, she was always told what a cute little girl she was by everyone, and it made her feel proud. Made her feel loved.
When she met Haru and started to play with him, however, Rin noticed very quickly that he was different from her.
Haru had a mother a bit similar to her own; she cared a whole lot about appearances. But unlike Rin’s mother, she would let her son dress however he wished.
He could choose his own clothes, style his hair like he wanted. He could wear cargo pants and chain necklaces and torn up tank tops even though his parents didn’t like it. He called it ‘punk.’ Rin’s mother was pretty judgmental about it, Rin could tell even as a child; she didn’t like Haru, and always narrowed her eyes whenever she saw him. It was the same kind of hypercritical stare she would throw at women on the street wearing clothes she thought too ‘revealing.’
Haru explained to Rin he was allowed to do this after getting angry at his mom about how she dressed him. So she’d brought him to a clothing store the next day and told him that from now on he could take whatever he wanted. His parents weren’t fond of how Haru dressed; they had been especially concerned he would get even more bullied at school, when he was already harassed because of his weird hair. But from his point of view, he would get bullied the same regardless, so he might as well wear stuff he actually liked.
For the first time, Rin felt a tinge of envy. She couldn’t imagine ever getting angry at her parents and asking anything of them. That just sounded so… rude. And she could never imagine her mom ever listening to her about it. She barely tolerated to bring Rin outside, even less in public places where men could be around — which, to be fair, most Zodiac parents acted that way, but she knew her mother was a unique case even by those standards.
Her inkling had been right, too, because the moment she even somewhat challenged and questioned their family, her life turned into actual hell.
As soon as the farce that was their household dropped, her mother started to not care as much about how Rin looked to the outside; she didn’t touch her hair anymore, didn’t choose any of her clothes, could barely stand to look at her.
Rin was the one who started caring about it instead. She became obsessed with maintaining her image of a well-groomed, pretty little girl despite it all; always did her best to keep her long hair brushed and pristine even after her parents pulled on it; always camouflaged the bruises and marks and scratches behind long sleeves and skirts and scarfs.
It wasn’t very effective. No matter how much she tried, she couldn’t hide all that well the way her body withered, the cadaver shine of her skin, the way she’d lost so much weight her skin floated on her bones, and the dark bags under her eyes.
Once upon a time, Rin believed people when they called her a cute little girl.
Now whenever she looked at herself in the mirror, she felt nothing but disgusted.
This should be strange, but living with Kagura’s family honestly felt worse than living with her parents.
At least with her own mom and dad, she knew what to expect, she was used to how things were. It could be hard, but she still clung to the hope that they’d be able to go back to being a happy family one day; that was what managed to keep her going.
Now that hope had been completely shattered, and she could do nothing but live with a constant reminder of how broken she was. She couldn’t even blame the Zodiac Curse, because Kagura was cursed too; and yet her family was… well, maybe not exactly happy — her parents still argued quite a bit in a way that always left Kagura in tears — but at least not miserable the way her household had been.
The Curse was an easy excuse. The problem, Rin knew, was herself. If Kagura and some of the other Zodiacs could still be loved despite being cursed, then it must meant that there was something fundamentally wrong with her. Because what else could it be?
Rin took very few of her belongings when she moved in with Kagura’s family, and that included some of her old clothes. However, as she put on all the cute dresses and skirts her parents had bought her; the ones her mom had so meticulously chosen for her her entire childhood; something twisted in her stomach.
Looking at herself in the mirror with those on, she felt like she could still feel her mother right behind her, her hands on her shoulders, her sharp fingers around her neck. She felt like throwing up.
She threw them all in the trash.
Kagura’s mother was surprised, but a tactful enough person to not ask questions. Instead, she brought Rin shopping with her and Kagura. As soon as they entered the store Kagura instantly jumped toward the rows of clothes aimed at teenage girls — to her mother’s dismay who cried out at her to please be careful and to make sure to stay away from boys and men — and, in the span of a handful of minutes, already had at least ten outfits in her arms, ready to try them out.
Kagura dressed a little similar to the way Rin did; but there was… something different about it. Something that felt more personal. She liked the same kind of colorful cute dresses and skirts, but still favored the shorter and more practical ones in which she could move easily. She gravitated toward ruffle fronts and tunics and orange colors and cat-themed patterns.
Her outfits still felt categorically Kagura, in a way Rin’s clothes had never really felt Rin.
Rin stared at the Zodiac boar flutter among the dresses like a butterfly, as if mesmerized, until Kagura’s mother broke the spell — and for the first time in her life, someone asked her what clothes she wanted to buy.
And Rin… Rin didn’t know.
She stared at the lines of shirts and pants and skirts blankly, her mind empty. She knew the type of clothes her mother would have liked; the ones she would have chosen for her to wear, the ones that would have been modest and prim and proper.
But Rin had no idea which ones she liked. Every time she grabbed the hem of one of them, she felt her throat tighten and let it go instantly. When Kagura pushed her to try on some dresses she’d picked out for her, Rin felt uncomfortable getting out of the fitting room and being stared at.
She felt all wrong, all clammy. She expected someone, anyone, to get angry at her for… for… she didn’t know.
No one got angry at her though. Kagura looked a little frustrated but she only rolled her eyes, and her mother was saddened but didn’t push the issue. She and her daughter picked a handful of plain, inoffensive clothes that would fit a middle school girl her age, and then that was the end of it.
Rin didn’t know why she felt like crying when she exited the clothing store.
“Maybe I could help you,” Haru had suddenly proposed one day. It was one of those where she’d felt so depressed she didn’t even want to get out of her room, but the boy had come drag her out regardless and spend time with her.
Rin didn’t know why he kept doing that. She was such a boring girl. Surely someone as kind and fun as Haru had lots of other friends he could hang out with instead of someone like her…
“Help with what?” She snapped, much more harshly than she meant it to be. Haru didn’t seem to mind. He never minded, even when she was needlessly mean to him sometimes.
“With buying new clothes,” he replied nonchalantly. “Find stuff you like.”
Rin refused at first. But that was the thing with Haru: he was patient, but ridiculously stubborn. He never pushed her, but kept innocently bringing up the topic over and over. So at some point Rin got annoyed and caved in.
They went to the clothing store together. Rin had hoped that, this time with Haru by her side, she would feel… she wasn’t sure. Differently, maybe. But she found herself in the same position as she did with Kagura and her mother: her mind blank, her eyes glazing over the rows of clothes with no feelings.
She picked out some stuff at random. Tried out a couple of shirts and dresses. By the time she got to the fifth outfits, she started to feel frustrated.
“How do you even do it, anyway?” She asked Haru. “How do you pick… pick stuff that you like? How do you know?”
Haru blinked his round brown eyes at her, face unreadable. And then he said, “I just know.”
Rin groaned. Of course Haru would be no help at all about this! She turned to look at herself once more in front of the mirror. She was wearing a purple sundress with flower patterns. Something cute. Something her mother would have no doubt loved.
She felt sick. She wanted to tear it off. She wanted to tear off the cloth and then her very flesh until nothing was left so she finally didn’t have to look at her own reflection in the mirror every morning.
“I don’t know what I like,” she finally admitted. “It’s not a big deal anyway. I don’t understand why you’re so obsessed with this.”
“It’s important,” Haru insisted. “It’s about you, so it’s important.”
It’s because it’s about me that it’s not important, Rin thought, almost said; but the only thing that got out of her mouth when she opened it was a sob.
She removed the dress so abruptly she tore off some of its buttons and straps, but neither she nor Haru cared as she broke down in tears in her underwear in the middle of the store.
“You don’t have to rush, y’know,” Haru said softly after she calmed down and they left. “You take your time to figure stuff out.”
Rin didn’t answer, and Haru held her hand the whole way home.
She went back to the clothing store with Haru a handful of times after that.
She still wasn’t sure what to choose, so she asked Haru to guide her; asked him what he thought would fit her. Haru didn’t like it, because he wanted her to pick something on her own. But in the end he gave up and carefully selected a couple of shirts and skirts.
A part of her had always envied Haru a little; not just the freedom his parents allowed him, but the way he seemed so confident in himself. Haru said it was all thanks to Yuki, but Rin didn’t agree. She was pretty sure Haru was just born like that, with that aura of self-assurance, that kindness that made people gravitates toward him like moths gravitates to light. That made leeches like herself stick on him and drain him dry.
Rin looked at Haru, at his nonchalant posturing and his messy pepper and salt hair, his leather jackets and spiked necklaces and earrings and ripped jeans, and felt such an overwhelming sense of wanting to be with him, to be him, to wrap around his very self and never let go. That yearning scared her. She didn’t think she’d ever loved that much before; and she didn’t know how to let go.
So, Rin pondered; if Haru wanted so badly for her to ‘figure herself out,’ maybe she could give it a try — and if she thought of it as figuring herself out through Haru, maybe she could even manage it.
This was with that mindset that she went shopping, for the first time ever in her life, on her own. She bought a few things — she had just enough with the little pocket money Kagura’s mother had given her. At least if there was one good thing about the Sohma Clan, it was that money had never been a problem; even if she couldn’t get rid of her guilty conscience the whole time, as she would have never dared to do something like this with her parents.
She went back home, and slowly dressed up. She put on some makeup, awkwardly as she’d never done this before; Haru had shown her how to do it, but it was the first time she truly tried it out. And then looked at herself in the mirror.
That was still her. Female, twelve years old, tall, long black hair, thin and pale. But now her lips and nails and eyelids were painted black; she was wearing a long-sleeved, see-through black shirt with a corset top underneath; a tight leather skirt Haru had picked for her the other day, and black wedge boots. Nothing too flashy, if maybe a little inappropriate for a middle school kid.
The sick feeling she had every time she saw her reflection in the mirror was still there, and she had to actively force herself to not look away. She didn’t find herself pretty. She didn’t feel very comfortable.
That was still her, but… but at the same time it wasn’t. Not completely. She wasn’t sure if she liked it, but she didn’t dislike it; and, more importantly, she could see a little bit of Haru in her in that moment.
When she wore the same thing to greet Haru the next day, a wide smile stretched his lips. He told her she was beautiful. She wasn’t sure if she agreed, but it did makes her chest feel full in a way it hadn’t in a long time.
She thought about how much her mother would hate she way she looked right now, and it almost managed to make her genuinely smile.
Rin didn’t know what she was doing here.
That had been such a stupid idea. She never should’ve agreed to this. Large places like shopping malls were always bad for a Sohma, and really, Rin had never been fond of shopping, even now, but—
“Isuzu? Are you all right?”
Rin almost jumped a little as Tohru tilted her head in her direction, her big, brown eyes shining with with worry and kindness.
She looked so much like Haru when she did that, and it always threw Rin off. She wished she’d stop doing it.
“I’m fine,” Rin mumbled, looking away and crossing her arms.
Tohru didn’t seem convinced, but then her two best friends called out to her — what were their names already? Uo and Hana or something? — and so thankfully her attention snapped away from her.
It was not long after the New Year they had spent at Kazuma’s. Tohru had called her in the morning, saying she was going to go shopping for some new clothes and needed to have ‘another pair of eyes.’ Rin didn’t know why she’d called her specifically. They had, a… well, a sort of partnership in their shared interest of wanting to break the curse, for sure; but that didn’t mean they were friends… not quite.
Rin liked Tohru. Against all her better wishes, she truly did. But that was the problem. She couldn’t let herself get any more attached than she already was.
Not until she’d managed to break the curse, anyway.
“—do you think, Isuzu?”
Rin blinked, getting pulled out of her thoughts. Tohru was in front of her, brandishing a sleeveless yellow dress in her face with her friends on each side of her.
“Does it look good?” She asked again with a smile.
“She didn’t listen to a word you’ve said, Tohru,” the tall blond girl replied in her stead, raising an eyebrow at Rin. “Why did you even bring her here, anyway? She’s been pretty useless so far.”
“Be nice, Arisa,” said the other black-haired girl calmly, although it sounded more like a polite formality than because she was offended on Rin’s behalf.
Rin felt herself a little embarrassed at the jab, and hoped that didn’t show on her face. I don’t know why she brought me here either, she wanted to say, but instead she replied, “It’s… okay.”
Tohru smiled brightly, as if Rin had given her the best compliment in the world, and ran to a fitting room to try out the dress. As soon as she’d disappeared, Rin found herself alone with Tohru’s two friends, who looked a little like guard dogs at this moment, ready to bit her at the slightest wrong move.
“I don’t get it,” the blond — Uo, right, Tohru had called her Uo — mumbled. “You’ve got great style, so I thought you’d have some taste when Tohru introduced you. But in the end you’re just as bad as the boys when we went shopping with them.”
“That’s just not my kind of clothes,” Rin replied awkwardly.
She didn’t feel comfortable with the whole thing. She’d never done this before — going shopping with friends, besides Haru and Kagura, and that was because… well, because Rin just didn’t have any friends. She’d always kept her distance with the other kids back in school. None of them really liked her much, anyway; too gloomy or boring or intimidating for them.
And right now, standing next to Tohru’s friends made her feel somehow… inadequate. Like fate was tempting her, saying, ‘see, this is what being Tohru’s friend actually is like, and you’ll never be that.’ The suspicion she could feel from both Uo and Hana didn’t help, either.
Truthfully, a part of Rin was a little disappointed about Tohru’s friends being here. When Tohru had asked her to come, she had thought it was going to be only the two of them. So she couldn’t help but feel like she’d been a little misled.
And then she felt stupid for caring so much about any of this anyway.
“That is not our ‘kind’ either, in case you have not noticed,” Hana said.
Of course, she was right. Both Uo and Hana looked quite different from Tohru, not just in appearance but in outfit too. Uo’s clothes were rather simple, white shirt and jeans, but her dyed blond hair and leather jacket and the way she handled herself screamed former sukeban; meanwhile Hana dressed all in black, with a heavy and elegant dress and a long hat on top of her wavy hair. They looked as if they’d each jumped out of a different movie genre. It felt jarring, especially in comparison to Tohru, who… well.
Tohru, who dressed in a very similar way to how Rin used to dress as a child. Cute, colorful dresses, ribbons, short flowery skirts. A sweeter, pinker version of Kagura; the gentleness of Haru; the looks of Rin’s favorite childhood doll.
Tohru, who spent all of her time talking about her amazing mother and how much she’d loved her. Even now, she’d just kept on and on about all the times she and her mom had gone shopping together, about all the cute clothes she would buy for her even when they were short on the money.
“She would always tell me how adorable I am,” Tohru had explained on their way here, a soft, melancholic smile on her face, and Rin’s heart hurt in a way she wasn’t able to put into words. “It was like a way to say ‘I love you’ to me.”
Rin looked at Tohru, and wondered. In a life where Rin wasn’t born broken, wasn’t born in a cursed clan, had been raised by a version of her mom and dad who actually loved her: would she have looked like Tohru, too? Would she have never touched the black makeup and the cross necklaces and the low-cut revealing shirts?
Would that be a version of herself that she actually liked? That wouldn’t makes her feel repulsed every time she looked into a mirror?
That was stupid. There was no universe where such a thing would ever happen. No world where Rin was not born a hateful, wicked little thing.
“What do you expect from me, exactly?” Rin asked, and her voice sounded bitter. That wasn’t totally fair, maybe. She didn’t really resent those girls — they just made her feel uneasy.
Uo and Hana exchanged a look quietly. As if they could communicate by telepathy, and it only made Rin even more uncomfortable.
“Just to be more sincere,” Hana replied. “More enthusiastic. Tohru notices those things, you know. She cares a whole lot.”
Rin didn’t say anything back. She wouldn’t have had the time even if she had wanted to, anyway, because at this moment Tohru jumped out of the fitting room, swirling in her yellow sundress.
She looked good, of course. Adorable. Pretty. It suited her perfectly. Uo and Hana were quick to say as much to her, and Tohru’s round cheeks pinked in joy and embarrassment. When she turned toward Rin, however… no such words were able to come out of her mouth. She opened it and closed it as quickly, and then as she saw the clear disappointment on Tohru’s face she looked away, shame filling her chest. She didn’t need to look at Uo and Hana to know they were glaring at her from behind.
This lack of reaction didn’t deter Tohru, however. The minute after that she was back to her usual energy, jumping from row to row like an excited rabbit. After disappearing among a bunch of dresses she reappeared in front of Rin with a broad smile, holding a pink one with short baggy sleeves.
“Isuzu, you need to try out this one!” She exclaimed.
Rin gaped at her. “Did you see how I usually dress? What even made you think I’d like this?”
Tohru pouted. “But, I just… you know, I think you’d look cute in it! Come on, you can just try it, right? You don’t have to buy it or anything!”
Rin looked at the dress, then at Tohru, then sighed. She wanted to refuse; was just about to. But then she still felt guilty about what happened earlier, about her general inability to be a normal friend — even when she barely considered herself Tohru’s friend — and glimpsed at Uo and Hana who were staring at her pointedly.
So, Rin agreed.
She and Tohru hopped in together in a room, and as soon as the door closed Rin already started to regret it.
“Do you… I mean, do you have to stay… here?” she asked hesitantly.
Tohru tilted her head innocently at her. “Why? Does that bother you?”
“N-no, it’s just—”
“Ah, if you’re that shy then don’t worry, I’ll just get out right away—”
“I’m not shy! Ugh, that’s fine, forget it.”
Rin sighed, and turned around in annoyance. She felt weird, but technically, there was nothing to feel embarrassed about. They were both girls. And Rin never had any issues with wearing revealing clothes in public, so undressing in the same fitting room as a girl shouldn’t be odd. She’d done it before during PE in her all-girls private school.
Maybe the fact that the girl in question was Tohru Honda was the problem — but she didn’t want to dwell on that, pushed the thought away and removed her shirt. At that moment she heard a shocked gasp. It took her a little while to figure out what might have made Tohru make that sound — before she remembered.
Right. Her scar. It was funny how quickly that scar had become a part of Rin, just as much as all the others, physical and mental. However, unlike the others, Rin didn’t actually mind this one. It was the mark of how she did her best to protect Haru — the reminder of her determination to break the curse. Maybe, in an odd way, it was a scar she actually had some affection for.
Tohru stayed completely silent. Even her breathing could barely be heard. Rin wondered what might be going on inside her head. Had she really never seen it until now? Rin wore a lot of open-back shirts and dresses, but she supposed that with her long hair, the scar was usually not very visible. But right now the top of her body was completely bare except for her bra…
The thought made her feel oddly warm. She cleared her throat while starting to remove her skirt.
“Can you— can you give me that dress?” She asked.
“Huh? Ah… Ah! Yes! Yes! Of course!”
Tohru sounded like she’d just been snapped out of a daydream, and she quickly hurried to hand over the dress. Rin pulled it on, but some of her hair got caught into the top’s buttons. Tohru reacted instantly; she disentangled her long strands from the buttons delicately, almost like she couldn’t bear the idea of Rin’s hair getting damaged in the process, and then helped her out putting on the rest of the cloth. Rin could feel her fingers lingering slightly on her shoulders; her scapula, grazing the exact place of where her scar was situated in such a gentle way it almost made her want to cry.
Rin was about to thank her; but as she turned around, she caught sight of her own reflection in the mirror, and her heart froze inside her chest.
In that moment, she didn’t look like the eighteen-year-old young woman that she was; but like a little girl. She was back to being the prim and proper eight-year-old with the perfect brushed straight hair and the rosy cheeks, the little doll living in a play her parents manhandled as they pleased. Tohru’s fingers on her shoulders stopped feeling comforting and instead turned into claws meant to tear through her skin.
“You looks so beautiful!” Tohru exclaimed, but her voice was distorted, and Rin felt anything but.
She wasn’t beautiful; she was the grown up version of what her parents had wished so badly to mold her into all those years ago. Unbroken. Uncursed.
Rin didn’t know how to be either of those things.
“Oh… oh my god. Isuzu?! Are… are you okay? Are you hurt?”
Tohru’s panicked voice was like shattering porcelain in her mind, shrilling and sharp. Rin turned around, looked at— at her friend. Tohru’s eyes were wide with worry. Her thumb traced her cheeks, and only then did Rin realize she was crying.
Again. Again. Why was she always so weak with Tohru?
Self-hatred washed over her, all-consuming and smothering and inescapable.
“Sorry,” she mumbled. God, she wanted to die so badly. “Sorry.”
“I-it’s okay!” Tohru squeaked. “I-I’m the one who… I mean, you’re not hurt, right? Do you want me to call—”
Rin pulled off the dress brusquely — as far away from her as possible. Threw it on the ground. She wanted to rip it into pieces. Hurl it into the trash. Burn it and burn it and burn it.
She took a deep breath; her fingers, her whole body shaking. She wiped her tears. Breathed in and out and in.
“Sorry,” she repeated, “I didn’t—” How was she even supposed to explain any of that to Tohru? She couldn’t even explain it to herself. She was so damn pathetic. “That’s… that’s just not me.”
That was the only thing she landed on. The only thing she could ever properly put into words, probably.
Maybe, in an alternate dimension, so far removed from reality it would never even come true to being somewhat tangible and material — maybe then, there existed a version of Isuzu Sohma who would wear a dress like that, and enjoy it, and calls herself beautiful.
That version would never be her, though.
Rin expected Tohru to apologize; but the other girl stayed quiet, eerily so. Maybe even she could be at a loss for words sometimes, she supposed.
She dressed herself up in her old clothes again, and instantly felt more relaxed, like going back into her original skin. When they went back to Uo and Hana, Rin knew the two of them could tell right away something was wrong, even with Tohru’s attempt to act normal; but neither of them commented on it. They did seem to be a bit nicer toward her, though.
By the time they reached the end of the afternoon, things hadn’t gone too bad though. Rin hadn’t bought anything, but Tohru had all the clothes she needed; and even if things were a little strained, the atmosphere wasn’t the worst either.
As they were about to part, Tohru turned toward Rin with shiny, watery eyes, and asked with a point of desperation: “Did you have fun?”
Despite herself, Rin smiled. “Yeah.”
Tohru didn’t seem satisfied. She hesitated for a little while, and then reached toward Rin.
“Can I… Can I hug you?”
Rin opened her mouth, stunned. She threw a glance behind her, where Uo and Hana were staring at them. They had a strange, knowing look in their eyes, something fond that Rin didn’t know how to make sense of. She looked away from them and, a little shyly, nodded.
Tohru wrapped her arms around her. She was smaller than Rin, but somehow she still managed to drag her against her chest. Her embrace was tight. Rin wasn’t able to bring herself to hug her back.
“Thank you so much for coming,” Tohru said with a bright smile after pulling away.
Rin wondered why she felt so gutted about that.
Rin couldn’t get used to have short hair.
The last time she had, she probably must have been a little toddler, and she had absolutely no memories of it. Rin didn’t remember much of her childhood in general; the whole thing blended together in a mix of fake happy memories and pain and fear and longing.
A part of her felt it was better that way, somehow.
Haru had been the one who cut her hair. Or, well, who cut the rest of the mess that Akito had made, at least. He’d brought in a pair of scissors inside the hospital — which was extremely forbidden, but well, it was Haru — had sat her down and gently cut off the rest of it. He had done it in such a gentle way, as if Rin was the most precious thing in the world, that Rin had almost turned around and kissed him afterwards.
She hadn’t, though. A part of her still yearned for him. Maybe a part of her would always yearn for Haru.
But she had taken the decision — that it was better right now, for both of them, to keep their relationship to where it was, as friends. It hurt, but that was a separation and freedom she needed right now. Haru had agreed. So she intended to do her best to keep on that resolution.
Rin sighed, and ran her hand through her short hair once more. She didn’t know if she liked it. It was yet another thing that had been done to her without asking, without consent, out of her control. But she wasn’t sure if she wanted to let it grow back either. It felt… weirdly freeing, in a way. Like she’d finally gotten rid of a weight that had burdened her her entire life.
Or maybe it had nothing to do with her hair at all and more to do with the fact she was finally free from the curse.
In the past few days, she caught herself thinking that she was way too free. She was still living at Kazuma’s house, at least for now. She liked Kagura’s parents well enough, but it had always felt more comfortable here.
She knew she couldn’t stay here forever though. She had to catch up the school year she’d missed and properly graduate from high school, but after that… after that, she didn’t know. She could do anything; go anywhere, really. It was a little scary. And maybe exciting. How weird it was to feel so lost and content at the same time.
It was with her head full of those thoughts when Tohru called her this morning to go shopping together.
Rin couldn’t see why, because she was pretty certain that Tohru wasn’t lacking in any clothes at all. But she was going to graduate and move away in a handful of months, so maybe she still needed some new stuff.
She’d found some job prospect, it seemed, as an aid and cleaning lady at a small clinic. She seemed kind of excited about it, too. Rin would be lying to say she wasn’t dreading the day of the graduation where she’d have to say good bye to Tohru — but at least she wouldn’t be alone, as Kyo would move with her in the same city.
Even so, she could barely imagine what a life would be like without Tohru so close to her anymore, and it made her feel a little sick with loneliness. Maybe that was why she’d agreed to go — she just really wanted to spend the most time possible around Tohru with the little they had left.
It was just the two of them, this time, with Uo and Hana nowhere to be seen. They spent almost three hours going through the rows of clothes, each selecting their own set of outfits and trying them on. This time, Tohru didn’t try to force any dress on Rin.
However, right as they were about to finally leave, Tohru suddenly grabbed her sleeve; and with a small voice, asked her the strangest question Rin had expected: “Could you pick an outfit for me?”
Rin stared at her in surprise, and Tohru added: “I— I mean… an outfit like what you usually wear. That you think would suit me.”
Rin looked at her own current short black dress, then back at Tohru, who had an almost opposite fit. “Uh… are you sure? I mean, our styles aren’t really…”
But then Tohru looked at her straight into her eyes, full of her usual firm determination, and nodded. So Rin did as she was told. She picked something she would wear, bordering on punk and goth, but still modest enough that it could fit Tohru’s general vibe.
She however waited until they got to Shigure’s house to finally hand it over to Tohru, who looked at it with a satisfied smile, before asking the second strangest thing of the day:
“Could you help me do my makeup like yours now?”
Rin opened her mouth, even more baffled. What was going on on right now? Was Tohru playing a prank on her?
“Sure,” she still said, a little uncertain.
And so she did. She pulled out her whole makeup kit, and then started applying eyeliner and mascara and eye shadow onto Tohru’s face, making her giggle.
“Is this the first time you’ve worn makeup or something?” Rin asked, because Tohru acted like an elementary school girl trying out her mom’s lipstick in secret.
“Not really. Hana showed me how to do it before. Once, me, Uo and Hana and Mom had a girls’ night makeover when I was in middle school, and it was a lot of fun! It’s the first time I’ve ever worn an all-black make up, though.”
Rin snorted. “Really? I would think Hanajima would have introduced you to it before.”
Tohru hummed thoughtfully. “Yeah, but she didn’t. She said black didn’t suit me.” As Rin was putting on black lipstick on Tohru, she couldn’t help but agree. It felt a little wrong, somehow. “But you know, Hana don’t always wear black all the time. She didn’t use to do that as a little girl.”
“Why did she start, then?”
Rin finished her work on Tohru’s lips, and Tohru moved away, opening her eyes. The black of the eyeliner made her eyes appears so much more prettier and shinier, and Rin had to force herself not to look away.
“Something… bad happened to Hana, when she was little,” she started. Rin had the feeling she was wrecking her brain in order to say as little as possible so as not to reveal her friend’s entire past while still being understood. “She lashed out at that. That wasn’t her fault! She was just a little kid. But to this day, she still blame herself for it. So she started to wear all black, as, um. A form of penance, I guess.”
Tohru was frowning, and Rin wasn’t sure if it was because she didn’t really get it or because she didn’t like it, or maybe both. But then the frown disappeared and she smiled. “Oh, but I think she really started liking dressing like that now! Plus, she looks beautiful like that, doesn’t she?”
Rin paused. “Yes,” she agreed. “She does.”
She never thought she'd ever feel that way about Hanajima, but now a sort of kinship with her had formed. She kind of felt the same, after all. Rin also started dressing like this because of exterior factors; a way to cut herself off from the image her parents tried to impose on her, a way to imitate Haru, feel a little bit of himself in her at all time.
Now, she couldn’t imagine dressing any other way. She wasn’t sure if that meant she’d started liking herself, exactly — just that it had become a part of who she was.
With Tohru’s makeup all done, her friend then disappeared inside her room for a handful of minutes, and reappeared completely transformed, wearing the clothes Rin had chosen. She had a V-cut black shirt with see-through webbed sleeves, a mini circle skirt and thighs themed with the sleeves’ designs. She’d gotten her a black collar with crosses falling on her clavicles and wedged high heels, and two bat-themed hair clips ribbons horned her head. The ribbons wasn’t something Rin would ever wear, but she couldn’t help it but choose them for Tohru when she saw them.
Tohru looked a little unsure as she stepped forward on wobbly feet, clearly uncomfortable in her high heels. Rin smiled at her, trying to be encouraging; but then she couldn’t stifle a snicker when Tohru stumbled and she caught her arm.
“Don’t laugh!” Tohru pouted, glaring at her. “I never walk with high heels…”
“It gets some time to gets used to it,” Rin conceded.
Tohru looked up to her, squeezing Rin’s arm, and Rin couldn’t help but be hyper aware of how close they suddenly were to each other. She only had to lean a few centimeters closer for their foreheads to touch. Tohru smiled at her, then; fond and warm with her cheeks still a little rosy, and the words spilled out from Rin’s mouth before she could stop them: “You’re beautiful.”
Her first reflex was to feel embarrassed over it. But Tohru’s reaction to the compliment was so exaggerated — wide eyes, mouth parted in a large ‘O’, face reddening in a deep a scarlet — that Rin suddenly felt strangely confident in herself; and didn’t she owe Tohru that much, anyway, with the way she’d failed to compliment her last time they went shopping together?
“I think I still prefer you in your usual clothes, but… you look really pretty like this too.”
Tohru opened and closed her mouth a few times like a fish out of water. Then she nodded, flushed and resigned; “Th-thank you,” she mumbled.
Rin stared at her. She hesitated, but then finally decided to voice the question she’d had ever since the shopping mall: “Why… Why did you ask me to dress you like I usually do?”
Her voice was soft, almost whispered. She wasn’t sure why. It just felt… oddly intimate, like asking Tohru a secret, for some reason.
“Oh… well.” Tohru looked down, her eyes narrowed. “I just wanted to try it out. Isuzu, you’re always so… strong. Sure of yourself. I thought it would give me some strength, maybe, if I could look a little like you.”
Rin was so stunned she was even sure how to react at first. Strong? Sure of herself? That was how Tohru saw her? Rin had always been the farthest thing from that. She’d always been…
She wanted to protest, but Tohru’s firm, confident voice made her unable to.
“And I liked myself when I saw what I looked like in the mirror,” her friend continued. “It’s… it’s different, but you’re right, I think I look good. It’s like I’m a completely different person right now.”
Tohru straightened up. She was still smaller than Rin, but at that moment, as she looked straight into Rin’s eyes, it felt as if she was the exact same height; maybe even taller.
“Isuzu,” she said, her voice full of conviction. “Can I kiss you?”
Rin wasn’t sure if she really understood the question then. Wasn’t sure if she really understood the implications of it. But her body reacted nonetheless, almost on instinct, and she nodded. When Tohru cupped her cheeks and leaned in to press her lips still fresh of black lipstick against her own, she knew it had been the right choice.
The kiss was brief and a little clumsy, as expected of a teenager who’d never kissed anyone before. And when Tohru pulled away, she giggled a little like a child.
“I put lipstick on the corner of your mouth,” she said, and gently rubbed the black stain with her thumb — but Rin grabbed her wrist, stopping her.
“It’s fine. I don’t mind.”
“Oh, okay.” Tohru lowered her hand, and then she smiled sheepishly. “Can we kiss again, then?”
Rin’s smile mirrored hers. She didn’t answer, instead being the one to lean in this time, and kissed her more deeply.
With the way Tohru looked, Rin thought it felt a little like kissing herself.
Tohru was already gone when Rin woke up this morning.
That wasn’t unusual; their schedules were never synchronized, and Tohru started work early unlike Rin. Even so, whenever Rin opened her eyes and felt an empty space next to her in their bed, she still felt a tinge of fear, a void in her chest. She should be used to this by now; they’ve been living together for over a year, ever since Rin graduated from art school, but she supposed some habits were hard to kill.
Maybe that fear would just never entirely disappear, and she’d keep feeling this way until she was an old lady.
A part of her felt a little depressed over it. But on the other hand, if that meant she could stay by Tohru’s side even in her old age, she didn’t mind it as much.
She chased those thoughts away, and headed toward their wardrobes. They had two of them. Not that they had that many clothes — or at least, Tohru didn’t have that many. Rin did have quite a few (a lot of them she’d gotten from Haru). But with how different their outfits usually were, it was just easier to separate when they had to dress in the morning.
Rin headed for her own wardrobe at first — but then stopped when she noticed something on the chair near their bed.
A pink dress, one of Tohru’s, that hanged on the backrest, abandoned. Maybe Tohru had planned to wear it this morning, but changed her mind last minute for something else.
Rin stared at it for a long minute. And then, on a whim she couldn’t truly explain, she grabbed the dress and went to the bathroom with it. She showered and brushed her hair and teeth and, finally, put it on.
She looked at herself in the mirror. Dark brown eyes stared back.
That was her. A woman in her mid-twenties. Tall and thin and pale, black hair brushing over her shoulders; thin lips and angular jaw and sharp shoulders and scarred; still broken, still wicked, still not all that pretty, albeit uncursed.
But as she stared at her own profile while wearing her lover’s cute, pink dress, she didn’t see the little girl she had once been years and years ago.
She didn’t find herself quite as repulsively disgusting anymore.
A smile even managed to flutter on her lips, and she grasped her chest, pink tissue writhing under her fingers.
She decided to keep the dress the whole day, and when Tohru came back home, exhausted and almost ready to jump into bed, she squealed at the sight and kissed her all over the face in joy and Rin just felt warm.
She didn’t like the dress all that much; might probably never wear it ever again, but she didn’t feel like suffocating as it enfolded her body. That was a start; maybe another step at figuring herself out.
Rin wondered if Tohru would accept to go shopping together tomorrow.