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She really didn’t mean for it to happen.
It makes sense for it to happen now, like everything in both her life and afterlife - it’s never fair.
But of course, it just had to happen when she’s finally happy, when she finally wants to be here.
She supposes that's the whole point - but why did it have to happen when Quinn gave her a stupid donut?
It was just a moment, a fleeting thought, a split second and a calm nestled in her chest.
She felt the way everything seemed to settle, how the voices of those she begrudgingly cared about got louder and all the others got quieter, the way the light always seemed to hit everything perfectly, the way each bone in her body finally seemed to rest.
She felt warm.
It didn’t take much to put the pieces together.
They’d all been gathered for their weekly Veronica Mars watch, the one she’d bullied everyone to participate in to make Quinn smile, the one they’d all agreed to for Quinn, but then found that they actually enjoyed watching someone else solve mysteries for once.
Maddie and Simon had brought donuts, and left them haphazardly on the center table before disappearing to get the TV. They’d all been making themselves comfortable around the couch, Quinn had plopped down beside her, pulling her legs up so they lay across their lap before pulling a blanket over them.
And then they’d turned, with a mischievous grin - a rare, but adorable sight.
They’d put out their hand and there sat a jelly donut.
The only one in the box, the one Wally normally grabs before she can, the one she always fights with him about. Just sat there.
“I know you never get this one, I grabbed it when Wally was distracted”
And it hit her.
She doesn’t really remember what happened after, only vaguely remembers thanking them with a kiss on the cheek, savouring each bite of the donut before simply watching Quinn watch their show.
She does remember, excusing herself towards the end feigning tiredness, regrets it purely because of the face Quinn made when she did. It’s not like her to cut time with them short. They let it go of course, because for some inexplicable reason they respect her boundaries, and know she’ll tell them when she’s ready.
But the sadness in their eyes comes with her all the way to the English classroom.
Nothing could really prepare her for what she ends up seeing.
She notices the music first, that's definitely different. It’s no longer that horrid song spinning on repeat. Now it’s one she remembers off handedly humming as she walked about, the one song she always loved but could never name.
The lights aren’t red anymore, they’re now a nice warm orange, like the summer sunsets she used to watch from the hill, with ice cream melting down her hands. The lights in Mr Manfredo’s office shine so bright you can’t see through them, but she can tell it’s empty, that for once he isn’t waiting for her in there.
The flowers in the vase catch her eye though, the chrysanthemums that overflow over the rim. Her favorites. She remembered that on her 13th birthday, her father had presented her with a bouquet of them - he wasn’t a man of many words, a tall lanky man whose moustache took up so much of his face you couldn’t even see if he smiled. But he gave her the flowers, and told her that he was proud of her, and the woman she was becoming.
He gave her chrysanthemums on her birthday each year after that until she died.
It's so idyllic, this room, it’s jarring to think that it’s actually in the same school she's been wandering about for the past 62 years, the same room she usually avoids.
Mr Manfredo’s door swings open slowly, she starts to doubt herself and wonders if he’s going to pop out, scare the shit out of her with his hands round her neck again. He doesn’t though, it’s almost like the door is calling to her, waving at her, urging her to go.
She almost wants to.
She could.
It would be easy.
She’d waited so long.
There is one thing though.
One huge, immeasurable thing.
Quinn.
The look on their face when she’d gotten up earlier still cycles her mind, it breaks her out of the weird trance she’s been in while walking through the room. And suddenly she’s wondering why she’s even considering it in the first place.
She turns, hearing the door close behind her, and stumbles out the room.
The silence of the hall is deafening compared to the soft melody that was playing in the room, she finds herself panting slightly. You’d think she’d be a bit more at peace - wasn’t that the whole point? Isn’t this exactly what she’d waited all this time for?
She doesn’t know how long she stands there, acceptance letter clutched in her hand like the very first day she arrived here, her mind jumping between I can leave and I don’t want to leave.
Wally and Charley find her first.
“Woah Rhonda, why do you look like you’ve seen a ghost?”
She turns slowly to them, she can tell her expression is probably scaring them, she can imagine her face is anything but welcoming - or… rather as welcoming as her face can actually get.
“I- I got it” She splutters out “My door- I got- I got my door”
They stare at her with their jaws on the floor, any other circumstance she would laugh at the stupidity of their expressions, but for once she just can’t find it in herself.
“Holy shit”
Holy shit indeed.
She feels numb, the decision above her head is already weighing on her and she’s only just found out about it.
Charley looks scared, rightfully so, it’s only been a few weeks since Wally blurted out that he’d had his own door this whole time - and now he finds out she has hers too?
If it was the other way around, Rhonda’s sure she’d be a whole lot more than scared.
“Are you… Are you going to take it?”
She finds herself opening and closing her mouth a million times, her mind is still reeling from she scene inside her room “I don’t know”
That's the honest truth - she genuinely doesn’t know.
How is she supposed to just leave? After everything that's happened, all they’ve been through - after finally finding them.
She can feel the tears building up, threatening to spill over. Everything is getting hazy, her heart is beating so hard she can feel her entire body lurching with each beat, and despite everything she doesn’t miss the irony.
Wally seems to notice her anxious state first, rushing over to put his arm round her waist to support her “Hey - Hey! Lets, get you to sit somewhere - Charley, go get Quinn”
Something in her jolts, what would she even say to Quinn? Yeah, remember how we’ve come so far, how you’ve made me who I am today? Remember how I told you I love you, and that you weren't allowed to leave me? Yeah I can leave now so thanks! Bye! Or not! I really don’t know!
“No! No. Not- Not yet, just-”
How can she face them?
Charley freezes in his motion to go get them, eyes darting between her and Wally before relenting. They guide her to the empty classroom down the hall, thankful that it’s after hours so there's no students milling about. She feels shaky, can you even be shaky as a ghost? She feels Wally's arms pushing her down into the deskchair, and the subsequent motion of her curling into herself.
“I don’t know how I could tell them” She squeaks out “I don’t know how to tell them without, an answer”
The pair share a look over her head.
“You don’t need to have an answer now Rhonda, I mean look at Wally he still doesn’t know what the hell he’s doing”
“Well… I mean I had kinda an idea, I knew i didn’t want to leave right away but then there was a bunch of shit goin’ on so-”
“Not. Helping.” Charley sighs before continuing “Look Rhonda, are you sure you don’t want us to go get Quinn? I mean I’m sure they’d want to know-”
“I don't need your judgement - I just, I don’t want to leave them, but this is what i’ve been waiting for - all these years, through everything, this was the one thing I always wanted”
If Rhonda had been paying attention in this moment, she would’ve noticed the navy blur scurrying past the door, the sound of hurried footsteps, and choked sob. If she had been paying attention, she would’ve realised that with Wally and Charley here, it means that they’ve finished watching the old tapes for today, and that Quinn would most likely be on the hunt trying to find her.
But she didn't. And she’d come to regret it soon.
“I- I never expected I'd meet someone I want just as much - god, someone I want more”
It’s a sobering thought, to realise the thing she’s been desperate for, 62 years of waiting, begging, praying for whatever fucked up god that’s out there to just let her leave, it all seems to disappear when she thinks of shaggy black hair and ironed astroturf.
“I don’t even - Why now?”
Wally leans forward, placing a comforting hand on her shoulder “When did you realise?”
She cracks a smile, thinking of that damn mischievous look on their face.
“Quinn got me the last jelly donut, the one you always slurp the jelly out of - they’d snuck it when you were distracted with blondie because they know I love them”
“Is that where it went!? I turned my back for like two seconds and it was gone”
“God is that all it really takes to get a door?” Charley interjects
She realises that, yes, that is what it took for her to get her door - because for once in her afterlife, she felt genuinely happy. Everything was as it should be. Maddie and Simon were back in the human world relatively unscathed, the school wasn’t at risk anymore, she finally opened herself up to everyone, one specifically more than others. She felt loved, safe, taken care of, she felt seen.
“Yeah… I guess it is” She says absentmindedly
The other two share another look, one full of sympathy, and understanding.
Charley moves to crouch beside her “Rhonda… I honestly - I think you already know what your answer is?”
“I think I do”
She slowly uncurls herself, feet landing back on the floor. She still feels nervous, but her heart rate has definitely calmed down. She’s honestly proud of herself at this moment, for once, she didn’t ignore help and run off with some stupid solution she thought of herself. But she actually spoke about her feelings, admitting she doesn’t know what to do.
It’s starting to make sense why she got her door.
“I should probably go find Quinn huh?”
“Yeah probably” Charley chuckles “I’m surprised they haven’t come looking for you yet… you’re not normally separated this much”
She stands back up, her legs are a bit stiff but she feels ready, she feels energized. She forgot how much she loved feeling warmth in her bones, didn’t realise how much it was lacking until this very moment.
“Are you going to be okay?” Wally asks
She smiles, she’s relishing this now - the feeling you get after you get your door, the feeling she had before she had her initial freak out.
“Yeah Moose, I feel better than I have in a long time”
He smiles back at her knowingly as she passes by them to leave the room, he’s the one who knows exactly how she’s feeling right now - how light each of her steps feel as she approaches the band room, how every inch of her feels settled.
The only other feeling that beats this one is when she’s with Quinn.
As she walks to the music room, she feels like she’s floating on air, she feels indestructible.
She’s almost excited to tell Quinn.
That is, until she opens the bandroom door.
And there they sit, head in their hands, heavy sobs wracking their entire body.
She doesn’t think she’s moved quicker, one second she’s still at the door, the next she’s kneeling in front of them.
“Quinn? What's wrong?”
She tries to reach out to them, to put a comforting arm round them, but they halfheartedly push her away. It’s not enough to actually stop the motion, but the rejection starts to burn in her lungs, stopping her anyway.
She can hear mumbled apologies and curses but she can’t focus on them, she’s just trying to figure out why they’re crying.
“Talk to me - Did someone make you upset? I’ll skin them alive, please just-”
“Just! Leave me alone Rhonda!” Quinn snaps.
She reels backwards. Quinn never - never at her. The only time they came close to snapping was that time when the group was finding out about Jacqueline - to think that something upset them to that extent again?
What the hell happened in the past 30 minutes or however the fuck long its been?
They finally raise their head, eyes blood red and their usually soft cheeks are scarred with angry tears “Fuck, I’m- I’m sorry I didn’t mean-”
“It’s okay.”
It’s probably not okay, but truthfully she doesn’t care. All she cares about right now is how to fix this.
She tentatively reaches her arm out again to rest her hand on their elbow, relaxing slightly when they don’t fight it this time.
“I’m sorry- god Rhonda I’m sorry I-” They’re crying even more now, she’s not even sure what she’s supposed to say or do, what would make all this disappear.
So she just sits there, with her hand on their arm, and lets them cry.
She doesn’t know how much time passes - she simply just sits and waits until they eventually slow down, their breaths getting calmer but still heavy
“Sorry I snapped at you” they finally mutter out with a small voice.
“Its alright hun”
“No. No it’s not - you didn’t do anything to deserve that, I…”
They’re quiet for a beat, seemingly building up the right things to say, to voice what's on their mind.
“I heard you with Charley and Wally… I know you got your door”
“Quinn-”
“No, it’s okay - seriously I know how long you’ve been waiting for this and I’m happy for you - I know the tears don’t really seem like it but I am, honestly.”
“Quinn I’m not-”
“I just, I’ll miss you, god I’ll miss you a lot - but you deserve this, with everything that happened to you, alive and dead you should be able to go beyond - you’ve been here a hell of a lot longer than me, it would be selfish to ask you to stay I kno-”
“QUINN!”
They freeze mid sentence, eyes wide, like a deer in headlights. Rhonda didn’t mean to shout, not really, but they just kept stammering on and she really didn’t know how else to stop them.
“I’m not leaving.”
“What!? No Rhonda - You’ve been waiting for this? You deserve this, it- it’s all you’ve ever wanted”
“Maybe… Maybe it was… But Quinn, I want you more. I- you’ve given me so much, you’ve changed me - you’re the reason I got that damn door in the first place. I want more time with you, I want to enjoy the person you’ve allowed me to become.”
She pulls her hand from where it rests on their elbow to cup their cheeks, it pains her to see them like this to see their soft face in such agony.
She doesn’t know how much they heard but it obviously wasn’t the whole conversation, she knows she had a bit of a wobble, but deep down she knew the truth - that she couldn’t leave. She thought that Quinn knew that too, which she’s realising is utterly stupid now, but the fact that they were just going to accept that? She doesn’t think she’s ever loved someone this much, while simultaneously kicking herself for ever letting them think they’re something she can disregard that quickly.
“I love you - I’m not leaving.”
They’re crying again.
Maybe she should go through the door, it seems like all she does is make them cry - but before she can voice anything else, they’re dragging her up so she’s straddling their lap and burying their face in her collar bone.
They’re gripping onto her so tight she’s not sure they’ll ever let go, nor does she even really want them to. She can feel the tears wetting the edge of her turtle neck, the grip of their nails on her back, the shaking of their shoulders with each wave of emotion.
All she can do is wrap her own arms around them, one hand in their hair, whispering mumbled apologies and soothing words.
“I’m sorry - for ever making you think otherwise”
It takes another little while for them to calm down, not quite as long as last time but even if it was longer - she wouldn’t care. She doesn’t really care about anything when it comes to Quinn’s happiness.
“I- Are you sure?”
That damn ‘are you sure’.
“I just- I don’t want you to stay only to regret it later… If you feel ready, you should go”
Rhonda sighs, raking a hand through their floppy curls “In the absolute miniscule possibility that I would ever regret it, then I could go - It’s not like it’s a one time offer, it’ll be there waiting for me. But I’d never leave without telling you or talking with you first, you need to know that. I don’t want to go Quinn, everything is finally right, I want to savour every second of it”
She has to physically pull their head out of the crook of her neck to actually get her to look at them. And what a sight that it is that meets her, all the tears they’ve spilled have caused their eyes to practically swell shut, their entire face is damp, and they look like they could start all over again if given the chance.
But they’ve never looked more ethereal to her.
She leans forward to press featherlight kisses across their face and relishes the muffled giggles she gets in return. Each one like a promise, I’m not leaving you, I love you, I want you more than I’ve wanted anything in these past 62 years.
She feels invigorated by the way they smile at her, the way they lean forward and press their lips to hers. She doesn’t even care that the kiss tastes like their salty tears, it's perfect.
“I need you to-” they start after pulling back “If you do change your mind you need to tell me, this isn’t - something we can just forget about and brush over… I need to know”
“I will, I promise.”
“It hurt… when I heard you saying you didn’t want to tell me… I thought you could rely on me”
“Woah Quinn, I do. I promise you I do - When I said that, it wasn’t because I thought I couldn’t rely on you, it was because I was scared and I wanted to… to be strong? I wanted to be able to come to you with an assured decision. I knew deep down, the truth, that I’m not quite ready to give you up - but it was so overwhelming I needed to be sure”
“I know… I love you for it, but I want to be here for you, even if you think it’ll scare me” They say, leaning their face into her hands and melting.
She loves it when they do this, it feels empowering, to have them so small in her hands - it feels like she’s a god cradling the world. Each brush of her thumb across their cheek feels like the brush of wind across the globe. She’s laughing at her past self for even having that small doubt that Quinn is something she can give up.
“I’m proud of you, y’know”
“That so?”
They nestle into her hands even further “mhm - you actually spoke to someone, it might not have been me - but the previous Rhonda would’ve gone off and brooded in some corner”
She smirks, and maybe puffs up her chest after being praised - but that’s between her and the knowing look in Quinn's eyes.
“It’s because of you.” she says “I am who I am today because you took one look at me crying in that science class room and decided to rebuild the broken pieces”
“Oh Rhonda, I knew you were the one for me when you screamed at me to wake up. And you were never broken, you just needed someone to be patient, to peel back each layer until you felt safe enough to do the rest. You are the reason you got your door.”
Rhonda doesn’t quite know what she did to deserve this - to deserve them, but she’s going to spend every goddamn day making sure they know how much she loves them, how much they deserve their own door, how they’re the only thing in this fucking school that makes sense.
And she’s got all the time in the world to do so.