Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Tsukishima tried to sleep on his desk, head bowed and letting the sounds of the lunch period wash over him. He curled into his jacket piled up as a temporary pillow under his forehead, trying to ignore the pains currently wracking his body. Pounding headache, hunger pains, exhaustion: it all seemed to be catching up to him. He just didn’t know why it had to be now, days before the Interhigh.  

“Tsukki, you’re not gonna eat?” Yamaguchi said, pulling his chair around to eat at his desk. He pulled out a bento and muttered his thanks before digging in. 

“Headache, I’ll eat later,” Tsukishima said, sighing before rolling his head to the side to look at Yamaguchi. He ignored the look of concern that painted the other’s eyes, something he swore he saw more and more.  “Do you have any medicine on you?”
Yamaguchi shook his head, dark hair bright under the glare coming in from the window. “You can try the nurses office; do you want me to go with you?” 

Tsukishima sighed before shaking his head, closing his eyes to hopefully dull the pain behind them. The nurse was too risky. Ruminating on how much could go wrong, he felt something cold graze his forehead, the chill a temporary distraction. “You should drink some water and eat,” Yamaguchi said softly, smiling as Tsukishima opened his eyes once more. “It might help with the headache, and you’ll need the energy for practice tonight.”

It was true. Tsukishima knew he needed the energy, especially for the tournament up ahead, yet something blocked him from accepting it. The feeling of holding out, of not eating throughout the day and the knotting of his stomach as he craved to eat yet withheld, it was addicting. It was controlled. 

“Thanks, Yamaguchi,” Tsukishima replied, taking the water and downing half of the bottle. “I’ll make sure to eat before practice.”

Smiling, Yamaguchi nodded, letting a comfortable silence fall between them. Tsukishima felt at ease, letting the sun fall over him as he dozed off. The world fell quiet until lunch was inevitably over and he was dragged back to reality. 

Class was boring as usual, the subjects blurring together until the last bell rang and it was time to head to practice. Only Tsukishima forgot his promise from earlier. 

“Tsukki,” Yamaguchi prodded, smiling as he put all of his school supplies away. “If we head over to the clubroom now, you’ll have time to eat a little before practice. Did you bring anything with you?”

“Y-yeah,” Tsukishima stuttered, not wanting to tell Yamaguchi that he, in fact, hadn’t packed lunch and had no intention of eating. Slinging his backpack around his shoulders, he let his headphones rest around his neck as he and Yamaguchi walked to the clubroom to get ready.

“Here,” Yamaguchi said, handing over something to Tsukishima. Looking down, he could see it was a strawberry shortcake protein bar. “You like that flavor, don’t you? Even if you can’t stomach a whole lot, at least get something in your system.”

Tsukishima tried to smile at Yamaguchi, letting the corners of his lips curl up into what he hoped was genuine gratitude. Careful to peel the wrapper away, he took a small bite, the chalky-sweetness coating his tastebuds. Pulling the bar out, he shoved the wrapper in his pocket, staring at the protein bar. “Oh, Tsukki, did you understand–” Yamaguchi droned on, unable to keep silent between them. He asked about their history lesson, the homework due next week, all simple conversations that hung easy in the air as they made their way across campus.

He forced himself to swallow, taking a bite before answering. He found a system to it: respond, take a bite, respond, bite until he was finally done. The weight in his stomach was all he could think about, something so instinctual that he couldn’t help but think how he needed it out, out out–

“I’ll meet you in the gym, I’m just going to go to the bathroom real quick,” Tsukishima said, avoiding Yamaguchi’s response to find the closest restroom. Speedwalking through the halls, the lights shining in from the windows feel like needles in his eyes, headache coming back full force. Shoving through the door, he rushes into the first stall he sees, ignoring everything other than the feeling of cold tile seeping through his school uniform as he kneels down and everything from the day comes up. Acid burns his throat; tears sting at his eyes. Heaving, he rests his forehead on his hand, trying to regain composure. 

Trying to steady his breath, he pulls the wrapper out from where he shoved it in his pocket. 20 grams of protein, 2 grams of sugar, 200 calories. Fuck. He was doing so well too. Tears stung at his eyes once more as he tried to get up from the floor. His streak was ruined, and all he could hear was why did I accept it? Pushing out of the stall, he went to the sink and took off his glasses, cupping water in his hands as he splashed at his face and washed his mouth out. 

Why couldn’t I hold out longer?

“Tsukki?”

Tsukishima whipped his head around, squinting at the outline staring back at him. Shoving his glasses over his eyes, he distantly thought he would’ve been better off blind than having to look into Yamaguchi’s eyes. Terror. Pure worry flowed off of him, coating the room in a tension that pulled at Tsukishima’s heart so violently he felt like throwing up again. “Tsukki?” Yamaguchi asked again, tears pooling in his eyes. 

Looking back at him, Tsukishima fished for something to say, something to excuse this. “I just wasn’t feeling well,” he croaked, throat gritty from acid. Lame, he thought. Yamaguchi would know, he could see through him better than Tsukishima would ever admit. “I’m okay, don’t worry. I feel better now that it’s all out of my system.”

“You think I'm that stupid?” Yamaguchi barked, anger suddenly flooding through him. “You think I don’t notice how–how you don’t ever eat? How you–”

“Don’t” Tsukishima yelled, surging forward to grab the other by the shoulders. “Please, don’t say any more,” he whispered, gripping him so hard his fingers dug into the bones at Yamaguchi’s shoulders. 

“How can I not?” Yamaguchi whispered back, bringing his hands up to Tsukishima’s. “How can I help?”

“I’m fine,” Tsukishima ground out. He looked down at Yamaguchi, wondering how long he had known. Wondering if there was anything he could say to make him forget. “Tadashi, I’m okay.” 

Yamaguchi shoved him. The sink slammed into his lower back sending a jolt up his spine as he righted himself. “How stupid are you,” Yamaguchi shouted, staring up into his eyes. “If you don’t want to talk about it, fine, but you can’t keep pretending everything is okay! It’s not, so just–”

Whatever he was going to say, he seemed to think better of it. “Tsukki, why don’t you come over to my house tonight, and we can talk in private.”

Gulping down the saliva that pooled in his mouth, Tsukishima didn’t know how to respond. If it was anyone else, it would be easy. Just say no, you’re fine, everything is fine. He looked down at Yamaguchi, nails digging into his palms as he balled his hands into tight fists at his side. His eyes scrunched together in anger and worry. “Fine,” he whispered, ducking his head down. “Practice first, then I can come over afterwards.”

Letting out a breath, Yamaguchi stepped back towards the door. “I’ll go tell everyone you’ll be a little late. We’re talking about this,” he paused, pointing his finger at Tsukishima stubbornly, “afterwards.” Turning fully, he pushed out the door, leaving Tsukishima to turn around and look at himself in the mirror. His own desperate glare stared back at him, mocking him as he washed his mouth out once more, trying to fully rid himself of the itchy scratch at his throat and the taste of bile. 

He could only hope that this time it would go away. 

—

Yamaguchi knew something was wrong. He had known something was wrong for a while. Ever since Tsukki stopped bringing lunch, stopped changing in front of him and started to thin out, his eyes dulling and skin pailing. Yamaguchi could see Tsukki pull back from him, never admitting that anything was different, or god forbid wrong with him. 

So when Yamaguchi followed Tsukishima into the bathroom and heard him vomit his brains out, he knew something was wrong. Ducking out after his fight (was that really our first fight? Did this count as one?)  to go to the gym, he saw almost everyone was already there, save Tsukki. “Yamaguchi, you’re late,” Daichi shouted, motioning him to come over. “And where’s Tsukishima?”

Yamaguchi knelt down to sit on the sidelines, starting his stretches to hopefully warm up quickly. He kept his head down, eyes trained on his feet as he leaned down to touch his palms to the floor and hopefully avoid giving away the devastation painted on his face at the thought of his best friend.  “Ah, Tsukki wasn’t feeling well earlier, so he might be late.”

“He’s sick?” Suga chimed in, concern weaving its way onto his face. 

“Just a headache,” Yamaguchi clarified, jumping up to finish his warm ups. “He should be here soon.”

Deferring his worry to later, he took out his frustrations on the court, practicing his serves so that the rhythmic thump of the ball landing just out of his receivers reach could bring him some semblance of ease. He ignored Tsukki, afraid that he’d break down just by looking at him. His worry clawed at him, something strong that tore his insides up the more he tried to calm it down. He couldn’t help but notice the way Tsukki’s clothes seemed baggier on him, or the way he tried not to stumble after landing from a jump. 

As the night waned to a close, they ended on individual practices. Yamaguchi could hear Coach Ukai’s drilling voice shout critique across the gym at everyone in his line of sight. “Hinata, focus! Pay attention to where you want the ball to go, don’t just smack it. Kinoshita, have more confidence! Tsukishima, you’re letting the day get to you, push through! What are you going to do in a game when you’re tired, end the game strong!”

Yamaguchi froze at that, missing his float serve. “Yamaguchi, pay attention!” Ukai called, moving along until the night was over and he called it. “Alright everyone, no practice tomorrow, so make sure to rest well before the tournament over the weekend. Remember, we leave early on Saturday, so make sure to be here with your bags. Takeda, anything to add?”

The other coach shook his head, smiling before going over the same points of sleep well, eat well, rest well, and overall just take care of yourself before the big games. Looking down at his feet, he zoned out for most of it, only catching the end bits before they moved to clean up the gym. Out of the corner of his eye he could see Tsukki slip out, walking towards the clubroom to get changed. Hoping he could still catch him, Yamaguchi tried to quickly finish up before leaving a very desperate Hinata and Kageyama trying to get Daichi to let them stay and practice more.

Running towards the clubroom, he saw Tsukki waiting for him, nonchalant as ever. “Tsukki!” Yamaguchi called out, watching as the blond looked up from where he was shuffling through whatever soundtrack he was listening to. Taking a deep breath, he tried to figure out how to go about this. Before he could spill his heart out, Tsukki turned away. 

“Your house, right? I already let my mom know.” 

And that was the extent of the conversation for the entire way home. Wringing his hands nervously, Yamaguchi tried to find a way to put his worries in a way that Tsukki would accept. Yamaguchi had long known the way Tsukki kept things at arms length, far away from a heart that beat to a rhythm only Yamaguchi could decipher. That if he said too much or pushed too hard, all he would receive is at best indifference and at his worst silence. 

The pathway wound down and down in the dark, the fluorescent street lights elongating their shadows in a way that isolated them. The only people in the world, walking home without a care for whoever else was out there. I wish, Yamaguchi thought, trudging along in the silence until he saw his house on the horizon. He and Tsukki walked in, taking off their shoes as if it was a normal night. “Tsukishima, it’s good to see you!” Yamaguchi-san chirped, peaking her head around the hallway. “I just started on dinner, it’ll be done in a bit.”

Smiling, Yamaguchi nodded before dragging Tsukki up the stairs to his bedroom, shutting the door behind them. Exhaling, he turned to face the other, face pinched together in determination. “Tsukki, what’s wrong with you?”

Tsukki let out a huff, smiling in a way that suggested he was anything but amused. He moved to sit on the floor, back leaning against the side of Yamaguchi’s bed. “Straight to the point, huh?”

Clutching his fists, Yamaguchi pushed down the urge to smack him, to do anything he could to show him how much this was affecting him. “How long?” he asked, kneeling down so he was sitting across from him. 

Tsukki looked up at him then, and he could see the tension crawl across his skin, the weight of whatever secrets he carried too heavy to conceal. “You don’t even know what it is,” he said, sagging back against the bed. He let his head fall back, eyes staring up at the ceiling covered in little plastic stars that glowed in the dark. “I don’t really know either.”

Yamaguchi crawled to sit next to him, letting their shoulders touch as he stared up at the stars with him. He had too many questions to ask, yet the moment of silence between them was almost too perfect to break. Unfortunately, it wasn’t either of them that did. 

“Tadashi, Tsukishima, dinner’s ready,” his mom called out, breaking the moment of comfort between them. Yamaguchi looked to the side, staring at the way Tsukki’s hair fell into his eyes and the way the overhead light reflected in the lenses of Tsukki’s glasses. He turned then, looking at him with his sharp eyes that always seemed to soften when they caught his own. 

“You don’t have to eat a lot,” Yamaguchi whispered, tentatively brushing the back of Tsukki’s hand with his own. “But please eat something. Just a little bit.”

Tsukki blinked, huffing out a sigh before shaking his head, whispering, “I’ll try.”

Yamaguchi smiled back at him. 

“That’s enough for now.”

—

Tsukishima pushed the food around on his plate, trying to make it look like he had eaten more than he actually had. Yamaguchi’s mom had cooked one of his old favorites, a simple curry that tasted better than anything he had made himself in months, and yet he couldn’t get more than a quarter down without the imminent threat of crying. 

The dinner was casual, something that had always surprised Tsukishima, as dinner with his family was on a special occasion basis, regulated to the few times Akiteru was back home from college. Yamaguchi sat next to him, scarfing down everything on his own plate in a way that made him jealous. To be able to not worry, to eat as he wanted was something he had long trained himself out of.  Every calorie, gram of sugar, and saturated fat, it was something he needed to know, to track. 

Pushing a potato around his plate, he wondered loosely if Yamaguchi’s mother would be disappointed in him wasting her food, though it wasn’t enough to push him to take another bite. Shifting next to him, Yamaguchi deftly swapped his now empty plate for his, picking off the scraps Tsukishima had left uneaten. Staring openly, he felt a wave of gratitude and something else, something he refused to name, flooded through him at how he never had to talk for the other to understand. 

“Thank you,” he whispered in Yamaguchi’s ear, getting up to go wash his dish at the sink. Letting the burning water flow over his hands, he rinsed the plate clean, watching the soap dance around the basin before falling down the drain. Another plate appeared, Yamaguchi settling next to him to dry off all of the clean dishes and put them away. 

Settling into a rhythm, they carried on until everything was settled and put away, ready to disappear back up into Yamaguchi’s room. “You can take a bath first,” Yamaguchi said, leading the way back up the stairs. “I have some of the clothes you left last time, they're clean so you can wear those.”

“You still keep those?” Tsukishima asked, curiosity lacing through him as Yamaguchi shoved a simple pair of sweats and a hoodie towards him. 

“Of course, for times like these!” Yamaguchi said brightly, ushering him off into the bathroom. “Be quick, I’ll go after you.”

Sighing, Tsukishima shut the door, letting the silence ring around him. Going through the motions, he washed himself quickly, grateful that the steam fogged up the mirror. Sitting down in the bath, he wished he could stay there forever. Avoid everything that was sure to come after this, and maybe soak in the water long enough to disintegrate. Yamaguchi could come in here and pull the drain plug, letting him wash down into the sewers to never be seen again. 

Stupid.

Getting up, he dried off and threw the clothes on, emerging into the hallway with damp hair and an intense longing to run away and hide. Tsukishima wandered lazily back to Yamaguchi’s room, trying to go in quietly. “I’m done, you can go now,” he said, watching as Yamaguchi’s head popped up from where he was sitting at his desk. Nodding, he grabbed his stack of clothes and left, leaving Tsukkishima in the dim room. Besides the lamp at the desk, Yamaguchi tended to leave the other lights off, meaning when he looked up he could see the dim glow of the galaxy above him.

Smiling to himself, he took Yamaguchi’s spot at the desk, looking over the homework he was doing. Simple enough, he sighed, trying to muster up the energy to walk down and get his schoolbag from where he left it by the front. Leaning back in the chair, he opted to go for the lazy option, instead staring off aimlessly at the ceiling until he heard the door creak back open. 

Yamaguchi peaked in at him, smiling as he closed the door and flopped onto the bed. Exhaling dramatically, he flipped onto his side to stare at Tsukishima, eyes softening. “Tsukki, I’m not going to make you say anything,” he said, turning to sit upright. “But, I don’t think you can go on like this.”

Tsukishima had to bite back a retort. It didn’t matter what he said, Yamaguchi knew. Even if he hadn’t told him anything, he knew that there was nothing he could say that would convince him that he had this under control. There was only one way to get himself out of this. 

“Yamaguchi, I don’t need your concern or your help.”

The words hit their mark, his best friend flinching and staring at him like he had slapped him. He tried to keep his words bitter, the usual softness he reserved solely for Yamaguchi nowhere to be found. 

“I…“ Yamaguchi stuttered, before realizing. Sitting up straight, he stared Tsukishima in the eyes, forcing his timidness to the side. “Tsukki, stop,”

If there was one thing Yamaguchi was good at, it was reading Tsukishima. Why does he have to know me so well?

 “You can’t push this one away; don’t push me away. Let me be there for you,” Yamaguchi begged, reaching over to grab his hands. They sat there together, a silent pull coursing between them that Tsukishima tried to force away. Looking into Yamaguchi’s eyes, he could see the pain behind them, and the desperation that hopefully he would actually listen this time. 

“What do you want me to say,” Tsukishima whispered, the will to hide slowly leaving him. He had carried this with him for years, letting it slowly etch pieces of him away until he felt hollow. 

There was something so tempting about Yamaguchi’s offer, the promise of something that he could recognize as normalcy. Not worrying about group dinners and others finding out, enjoying birthday cake or after practice meat buns. The offer was there, and all he had the strength to do was look away. 

Having let time wear him down, the bad habits had already forced their way into muscle memory. How could he accept anything different?

“Kei,” Yamaguchi whispered, running his thumbs over Tsukishima’s knuckles. “It’s going to be okay.”

Tsukishima let his head fall, reveling in the feeling of Yamaguchi’s hands on his, his name on the other’s tongue. Maybe here, in the comfort of this moment, he could find the strength to say what he knew Yamaguchi was trying to pull out of him. 

“Yamaguchi, I don’t know what to do.”

“I’m here, Kei. I won’t leave you.”

“I don’t have a problem.”

Sighing, Yamaguchi pulled at his hands, guiding him to lay down on the inside of the bed. Turning off the lamp, he felt his slide next to him before his hand slid into his own. “Maybe not, Tsukki, but you’ve never been one for ignoring the facts,” he whispered, rubbing his thumb along Tsukishima's. “ I just want you to be okay.”

Staring at the stars, Tsukishima had never wished he could lie to Yamaguchi more. “I’m sorry, Yamaguchi.”

Squeezing his hand tight, he turned over on his side. Too dark to see anything, he assumed Yamaguchi was (trying to) look at him. “You’re okay, Tsukki. We can talk about it more tomorrow.”

Tsukishima focused on the hand around his own. “Thank you, Tadashi,” he whispered, closing his eyes. The presence next to him got closer and closer until he felt a forehead rest against his shoulder and an arm sling around his waist. Thank you, Tadashi. 

 He tried to match Yamaguchi’s breathing, eventually feeling his limbs grow heavier before he ceased to feel anything at all and sleep took him. 

Chapter Text

When Yamaguchi woke up, he was struck by a profound sense of rightness. This is how it should be. Curled into Tsukki, arm around his waist as his head rose and fell with the rhythm of his breathing. It was early, the streetlights were still on outside. Popping his head up lightly, he searched for the dim glow of his clock to check how long he had before they had to get up and ready for school. 

He didn’t have nearly as much time as he wanted to. 

Returning his head to Tsukki’s chest, he curled into him tighter, reveling in the fact that the other hadn’t been opposed to it. What does this make us? Anxiety curled through him at the thought, the one that lingered beneath his skin. Would he be mad at me if I wanted more? 

Shaking his head, he stared up at the ceiling, letting the silence curl around him in comfort as he waited for the alarm to blare, shaking him from the moment he had been waiting for since he had gotten to know Tsukki. Reminiscing in the past, he wondered why it had to be through something so tragic that he finally let himself get closer.

And all of a sudden, the tranquility of spending the morning with Tsukki was shattered. My best friend has an eating disorder, and all I can think of is how happy I am to have a sleepover. 

Closing his eyes, the entirety of yesterday slammed back into his body, causing his arms to tighten alarmingly around Tsukki, enough to wake the other. 

“Yamaguchi?” he croaked, voice choppy from sleep. As if he realized where he actually was, Yamaguchi felt the others whole body tense. 

“Sorry, we don’t have to be up for a while,” Yamaguchi responded, looking back at the clock. No practice today to worry about.  “You can go back to sleep if you want.”

Tsukki grunted, moving his arms to stretch them towards the wall. “I’m already up.”

Rubbing his hands over his face, Tsukki pulled away, climbing around Yamaguchi to stand up. “I’m going to go home and change.”

“Wait,” Yamaguchi said, jumping up after him. He deliberated over asking, rolling his fingers over each other until they all twisted together in a knot. He was suddenly grateful for the dark room, scared that if he could see Tsukki’s expression he would run away and hide in the closet until he left. “At least…eat breakfast with me?”

He heard Tsukki take in a sharp breath. Before the other could say anything, Yamaguchi said, “it doesn’t have to be anything big! Maybe just a banana, or a piece of toast?”

He let the question linger, refusing to back down on it. Eventually, Tsukki broke the silence. “I don’t usually eat breakfast.” His voice was closed off, distant. He’s trying to run away.

“That’s okay, but…” Yamaguchi hesitated, working his hands around and around until he felt his joints pop, the dark room filling with the sound of anxious breathing and knuckles clicking. This was Tsukki he was talking to. Logical, scientific, practical Tsukki. Think about this. What can I say to get him to eat?

“We’re going to have a very long day tomorrow,” Yamaguchi stated, feeling his way through the dark to grasp Tsukki’s shoulders. He tugged at them, bringing them both to sit at the edge of the bed. He let his hands fall back into his lap, erring on the side of caution. “Like it or not, you need food, especially on high energy days. You know this, you’re not stupid. Eat something now so it doesn't come back to haunt you later. Do you want to pass out tomorrow?”

“I know,” Tsukki snapped. The early morning hung between them, the room lightening incrementally so that Yamaguchi could make out Tsukki’s outline. “I know,” Tsukki repeated, quieter this time. 

“I have some fruit if you want,” Yamaguchi whispered. It wasn’t enough, but it wasn’t like he could get Tsukki to eat an entire breakfast without a repeat of yesterday. Smaller quantities, then maybe he could work up to bigger, more nutritious meals. “I’ll even split it with you.”

He could hear the other boy sigh. “You won't drop it, will you?”

Yamaguchi shook his head before remembering that the other couldn’t see him. “No Tsukki, not this time.”

“Let's go then,” Tsukki said. Yamaguchi could hear him get up and shuffle across the room. Yamaguchi bound after him, seeing his parents in the kitchen. Tsukki greeted them first, Yamaguchi following suit. 

“Isn’t it early for you two?” Yamaguchi-san said, smiling up at them from where she was drinking a cup of tea at the table. 

“Tsukki needs to go get ready at his house,” Yamaguchi responded, grabbing a banana from the counter. He tossed it to Tsukki, who caught it like it was a bomb instead of a piece of fruit. “Besides, none of mine would fit on him.”

“That’s true,” she said into her tea before looking up at Tsukki. “Do you need a ride?”

“No, I’ll be okay,” Tsukki said, shaking his head. “Thank you for the offer though.”

Yamaguchi couldn’t help but notice Tsukki slipping the banana from hand to hand as he strode to the door. On his heels, he watched as Tsukki tugged his shoes on and shouldered his school bag. “See you at school?” Yamaguchi asked, trying to keep the concern out of his question. 

Tsukishima mumbled his agreement before opening the door. Before Yamaguchi could lose his nerve, he snatched the banana from Tsukki’s hands and quickly peeled it, chomping down half. Cheeks full, he waved at his surprised (and maybe concerned) friend, pointing in what he hoped the other perceived as a you better finish that.

Watching Tsukki walk back, Yamaguchi could see the sky brighten more, stars winking out in lieu of the daylight shining in on the world. He wondered then what would happen next after this. Was this him losing the Tsukki he had always known, or gained knowledge about him that he always should’ve? 

Closing the door, the only thought that seemed to follow him throughout the morning was a simple prayer. 

Please be okay, Tsukki. 

—

All Tsukishima could think about was his regret. Regret at letting Yamaguchi find out, at letting him try to help, and at eating breakfast. 

He regretted the way his eyes watered and his throat blistered as he pushed his fingers back, gagging once more in an attempt to get the banana out of his stomach. He had tried, really tried to keep it down. He had taken slow bites, loathing the slimy way it settled in his stomach and the instinctual relief his body had at eating something. Settled on the bathroom floor, he couldn’t help it. The urge was overwhelming, his mind unable to process the idea of straying too far away from the strict parameters he had set for himself. 

Yamaguchi strayed into his mind. What would he think of me? He’d be so disappointed.

A war, then. Between trying to appease the one person he cared about more than himself and succumbing to his deepest desires. Spitting into the toilet, he stood on shaky feet and flushed the sour bile down, washing his hands before trying to clean his mouth out. Water dribbled down the sleeves of his shirt, settling in uncomfortable puddles at his elbows as he tried to scrub the taste of acid away.

He didn't want to think about what would happen later, about lunch or dinner or Yamaguchi trying to feed him. His mind wandered back to that morning waking up in Yamaguchi's arms and how light he felt. He had wanted to stay in that moment forever, completely ignoring everything that seemed to be haunting him and bask in the simplicity of not having to share. Of having someone who, annoyingly, understood him well enough to get under his skin and make him eat. 

Grabbing a towel, he dried his face off and brought his glasses up to his face, staring at his scowling face. He wondered why he did this to himself. He wasn't stupid nor delusional, he could see the way his skin was pulling taunt against him, how the bags sat heavy under his eyes and how his body seemed to pull in on itself, barely enough support underneath to keep him upright. His uniform felt looser than it had at the beginning of the year, though he supposed he was still eating more back then too. He could see his body shrink, feel the way exhaustion pulled at him, and yet he couldn't stop. He could hate himself, that he did well, but it wouldn't change the incessant voice murmuring at him and the way he had come to enjoy the way hunger pains gnawed at his stomach. He didn't know that he could go without them. 

Sighing, he left the bathroom, heading to his room to throw on a new shirt that wasn't soaked. Sunlight peaked through his window, bathing his gaunt skin in a way that made him stop. Under the light he could see the way his ribs poked out, pale skin pulling taunt at his bones in a way that unsettled him. He didn't want to lose weight, he only wanted to stop eating. 

Covering every inch of himself he could in fabric, he tugged his backpack on and trudged downstairs. Lingering in the kitchen, he knew Yamaguchi would want him to eat lunch. He knew he should eat lunch, but he dreaded it. Shoving a bottle of water in his pack, he took an apple, figuring it was just enough to get Yamaguchi to not worry so much. 

Moving towards the door, he put his headphones on, trying to ignore the anxiety in his stomach as he walked to school. Somewhere along the way, Yamaguchi showed up next to him, continuing along with him in a comfortable silence. Tsukishima didn't want to bring up yesterday, or anything about his state for that matter. He would let it wash over them, continue eating in front of his friend to not worry him 

The last thing he wanted was to hurt Yamaguchi. 

The two eventually found their way to school, settling into the comfortable rhythm that they had established throughout the year so far. Notes and easy conversation followed them, Tsukishima grateful to Yamaguchi for not bringing anything up yet, though he could see the thoughts eating his friend alive. 

He would give himself until lunchtime to ignore it, pretend nothing in the world had changed even though his stomach cramped in anxiety every time the clockhand ticked closer to twelve. Glancing over at Yamaguchi, he could see a similar anxiety take hold, though he was sure it was about himself. The way he fidgeted with the hem of his shirt, eyes darting around nervously before returning to a page that had a smattering of half-hearted notes on it. 

Not wanting to face him must have made time turn faster, as soon the teacher left and it was their lunch break. Yamaguchi turned his chair around as normal, pulling out his own bento. He could tell from the jagged movements that Yamaguchi was tearing himself inside-out over something, something he refused to acknowledge. “Spit it out, Yamaguchi.” 

Glancing around, Yamaguchi tried to make his question seem casual. “Are you gonna eat lunch?” Tsukishima watched him twirl his chopsticks around in his palms, not meeting his gaze.

Clicking his tongue, he pulled out his apple, taking a sickening bite out of it. He stared across the room, keeping Yamaguchi in his peripherals enough to see his face slacken in relief. It almost made him forget the weight in his stomach, enough that he focused on the calming happiness radiating off of his friend. Tsukishima knew how this would end, knees sore from kneeling over to get everything out of his system, and yet he chewed and chewed until the bitter core was the last thing left.

Making his way up, he calmly told Yamaguchi, “I’m going to wash my hands.”

“I’ll come with you,” Yamaguchi said a little too quickly, jumping up to follow him. There was nothing Tsukishima could say to deter him, not after yesterday.

Sighing, they walked side by side to the restroom, Tsukishima using his elbows to open the door as he made his way over to wash his hands. “Are you my babysitter now?” he mocked, drying his hands off. 

Yamaguchi fumbled over a response, before eventually settling over what Tsukishima guessed had been brewing in his anxiety riddled mind ever since he left his house that morning. Pausing, he checked the bathroom stalls first, checking each door which were thankfully empty. 

Tsukishima would never admit it, but the meticulous care towards him suddenly made his heart race, a violent surge of some foreign feeling coursing through him. He’s too good for me.

“Tsukki, I just, don’t want, you know…I just want you to be healthy,” he said, twisting over his words in a way that made Tsukishima cringe. 

“I know, Yamaguchi,” he said, turning to leave. He didn’t want to have this conversation. A wave of anger washed over him, so suddenly he had to dig his nails into his palms to keep from lashing out. Yamaguchi was correct, he knew he had a problem. If Yamaguchi wasn’t here, Tsukishima would’ve already had two fingers down his throat.

He knew Yamaguchi was right, so why couldn’t he just stop? Walking out, he tried to mull over everything. What he was doing wasn't safe, nor smart. Yamaguchi already found out, so what would happen if someone else on the team did. Would the coach kick him off, or Daichi? 

He trudged through the rest of the day not looking at Yamaguchi, desperate to get home and curl away before he had to be up early for the bus tomorrow. School could not end fast enough, though he wasn’t quick enough to escape his friend's concern. “What are you doing the rest of the day?” Yamaguchi asked him, gathering up everything into his bag. 

“I’ll just rest before tomorrow,” Tsukishima responded, throwing in something about finishing homework before following the other out to the front gates. 

“Do you want to study together? I’m not doing anything for the rest of the day,” Yamaguchi asked, hope and concern blazing in his eyes. Tsukishima had to look away, a mysterious blush creeping its way onto his cheeks.

“Yeah, do you want to come over to mine?” Tsukishima responded, trying to reclaim aloofness as he started towards his house. He heard the other run after him, letting Yamaguchi talk about the matches tomorrow and how excited he was for their first official high school game.

It was easy between them, a fitting rhythm that flowed with a profound sense of correctness. Silence was never uncomfortable, questions on homework answered and worked through so much that Tsukishima didn’t realize it was late until his mom got home from work. 

Where his mother was, there was hospitality, and unfortunately, dinner. 

“Yamaguchi, it’s been too long! You look wonderful, would you like to stay for dinner?” she asked, engrossed in a conversation with his chatty, people pleasing friend. He looked at Tsukishima, searching for his thoughts before actually agreeing. After seeing a shrug meant as a do whatever you want, Yamaguchi accepted, insisting on helping out. 

After a flurry of hurried cooking, they all sat at the table to a relatively simple soup. Tsukishima was grateful, as liquids he found to bring on less guilt afterwards. He also didn’t have to talk much, as his mother and Yamaguchi dominated the conversations, mostly about school. 

Stirring his spoon around, he watched as the light danced over the blobs of oil that floated around the surface of the soup, letting himself simply exist as he feigned taking another small bite. Once the soup was low enough to make it look like he had eaten most of it, he stood up and brought it to the sink, washing away any trace that he had only had about half.  Looking back, he checked to see if Yamaguchi and his mother were done, motioning them to give him the dishes. 

“Leave it, Kei. I’ll do them,” Tsukishima’s mom said, getting up from her seat. “It was so nice to catch up with you, Yamaguchi.”

“Of course, you as well,” Yamaguchi smiled, hesitantly relinquishing his plates to her. Tsukishima began to wander back to his room, knowing the other would soon follow. As tempting as it was, he knew he couldn’t go to the bathroom yet, so he settled for gracefully flopping over onto his bed. 

“Call time’s early tomorrow,” he said once he heard Yamaguchi close the door. “You should get home early enough to sleep.”

“Yeah, you’re right,” Yamaguchi said, gathering his homework back into his bag. He could tell the other was lingering, not wanting to leave just yet. 

“Yamaguchi, I’ll be fine,” Tsukishima said, popping his head up to look at him. “I’ll see you in less than 12 hours.”

That seemed to calm his friend down somewhat, at least enough to usher him back out and closer towards the door. “Tsukki,” Yamaguchi whispered, “you know, if you ever need to talk, I’m here, right?” 

Letting out a breath, he nodded. “Thank you, Yamaguchi. I’ll see you tomorrow. He smiled as he watched Yamaguchi walk off, closing the door before closing his eyes, guilt creeping up in his gut. He did know he could talk to Yamaguchi. He just never would. 

Ruminating, he made his way to the bathroom where he found himself in an all too familiar position, knees on cold tile and the smell of vomit thick in the air. 

He couldn’t tell anymore which was worse, the idea of keeping food down or lying to Yamaguchi that he was okay.

Curled in on himself, he tried going through the motions. Shower, lay out his bag for tomorrow with his  uniform ready. Once everything was set out properly, he turned off the lights and lay in bed, trying to let sleep take him. Tossing and turning, he felt nauseous. His throat hurt, his arms felt weak, and unfortunately, his thoughts kept drifting to last night. How nice it was to sleep with someone, to feel his presence next to him. To feel the weight of Yamaguchi’s arm slung across his stomach. 

I think I like him. 

The thought was too much. He was his closest friend; nothing was ever supposed to change. Turning onto his side, he tried to ignore it. The way he blushed around him or how his heart jumped at the careful thoughtfulness of Yamaguchi Tadashi. Tadashi. He had called him that in a moment of weakness, yet it was something he hoped to repeat. 

Closing his eyes tight, he focused on his breathing and let himself imagine that the weight of his own arm wasn’t his, but still Tadashi’s. That he was still in Tadashi’s embrace, away from everything that was too much to bear.

Chapter Text

All Tsukishima could feel was pain. Alarm blaring in his ear he clicked it off, trying to blink away the headache that bloomed in his skull. His stomach felt like it was tying itself into knots, his throat was sore, and he felt weak all over. Sleep had done nothing for him, only exacerbating his previous night's ailments. 

Swinging his heels to the floor, he palmed around in the dark until he found his nightstand, clicking the lamp on and putting his glasses on. Looking around the room, he let himself sit for a second, the inevitable exhaustion of the day already seeping into him. 

Looking down at his nightstand, he picked up his phone to a single message from Ta…Yamaguchi. 

Yamaguchi: Awake? 

Of course he would be awake before him, the anxiety of preparation stopping him from getting the sleep Tsukishima knew he could’ve done with. 

Tsukishima: Just woke up. Walking together? 

Yamaguchi: Text me when you leave. We can meet at our usual spot?

Tsukishima: Sounds good. I’ll let you know.

Tossing his phone to the side, his heart flipped a bit at that, the thought of seeing Yamaguchi again propelling him up as he haphazardly changed into his travel clothes and threw the Karasuno zip-up on. He looked back at his phone screen once more before moving to the bathroom to brush his teeth.

He knew he would have to eat breakfast. As much as he couldn’t stand it, he would hate passing out more. Yamaguchi made a good point. 

Going back to his room, Tsukishima grabbed his bag, phone and headphones and went downstairs, throwing it next to the door before heading to the kitchen. He made a relatively simple breakfast of just eggs and rice, something easy to fill the void in his stomach. 

Their family kept medicine in a cabinet next to the pantry, which made it easy for him to also take a migraine pill as he forced himself to take bites of his breakfast. He was caught in between the instinct to shovel down everything before him and throw it away. The rice stuck like glue to his palette as he swallowed so he tried to focus instead on the eggs, which he could easily swallow. 

Maybe he had refrained from eating properly for too long, but it wasn’t enough. Breakfast only exacerbated the hunger in him, wracking his stomach until he couldn’t decide if that pain was worse than the one in his head. Chugging down a glass of water, Tsukishima got up, rinsing the bowl out before heading to his door. He texted Yamaguchi as simply leaving now before heading out. 

The early air was frigid, sky cloudy and air heavy with morning condensation. He pulled his headphones on, partially for music and the other as impromptu earmuffs. Clutching his fists in his pockets, he trudged on through the early morning, music at an all time low volume due to his still lingering headache. Hopefully Yamaguchi had meds, he probably should’ve brought a back up stash just in case. 

Approaching the junction to where they usually met, Tsukishima saw a tired Yamaguchi leaning against a fence, arms clutched around his waist to stave off the morning chill. “Tsukki!” Yamaguchi called out, tone a little more excited than he had expected. He met him halfway before they turned to finish the walk to the high school. 

“Good morning, Yamaguchi,” Tsukishima said, pulling his headphones off to rest around his neck. “Sleep okay?”

Yamaguchi nodded, smiling up at him as they headed down the street. It reminded Tsukishima of a few nights ago, though he hoped it wouldn’t be a repeat. I would like to spend another night with him though.

Oh. All at once, he was glad for the cold air, blaming it for the blush that spread across his face. He figured it was too early for usual conversation, opting to finish the walk in silence. He would need it too, at least before spending an entire day having to listen to Hinata and Kageyama bicker and Noya and Tanaka spew whatever nonsense they inevitably would. 

The closer they got to the bus, the more he could hear it already. “Hinata, Kageyama, don’t disturb the neighborhood!”

Thankful for the painkillers, his headache was a duller whisper, though not completely gone. He had to hope they would all sleep on the ride. 

“Tsukishima! Yamaguchi!” Hinata called out, bouncing up and down as they approached. Almost everyone was there, save a few second years. 

“Careful, I hear you get sick if you’re too excited,” Tsukishima called, walking over while Yamaguchi snickered behind him. Not nearly his best, but he was still nursing his reluctant body out of its daily aches and pains. 

“All of you, quiet down,” Coach Ukai reprimanded, standing with his hands on his hips. Everyone mellowed out after that, milling around and making quiet conversation until everyone arrived and they were allowed to get on the bus. Tsukishima sat in the window while Yamaguchi sat in the aisle, something they had long since established. 

Stilling himself, he let his thoughts wander as the bus pulled out of the high school and out onto the road. With the feeling of Yamaguchi’s arm pressing into him and the scenery rolling by, he was lulled into some sense of reprieve, just enough to quiet his nerves and let him relax more than he had since Yamaguchi left last night. 

He could tell Yamaguchi was nervous. Maybe it was compounding issues, Tsukishima couldn’t tell for sure, but the Yamaguchi next to him was one jittery with nerves. He mentioned the fact that Hinata and Asahi both were nervous as well, (and that he was taking it much better than either, earning a very rewarding chuckle out of him) but he could tell the pinch server was running his adrenal glands harder than he would play today.  

On some base level, Tsukishima understood. It was their first high school match. They were up against Tokonami first, not a powerhouse school but a game nonetheless. He tried to find something inside of himself, a spark of nerves or something, but all that came up was a low burn in his stomach and a wave of exhaustion. He didn’t remember it being like this in middle school. Underneath his aloofness, his aloft personality, there was at least a spark of joy. It hasn’t grown, but it was there. Now all he felt was the weight in his stomach and the bags under his eyes. 

The bus rolled onwards to Sendai, everyone thankfully relatively calm in their seats. He could hear chatter bouncing off of the walls, though he was glad Yamaguchi didn’t try to rope him into conversation. He had his earbuds in, currently trying and failing to keep himself awake. His head fell back, brown hair falling into his face as his mouth hung slightly open. Freckles danced across his skin, traveling all the way down his skin to where they disappeared underneath his uniform. 

Turning away, Tsukishima stared back out of the window. Why am I thinking about that? 

Too often were his thoughts drifting back to his best friend. Taking a deep breath, he couldn’t figure out if he wanted to go to sleep or to continue staring out the window, refusing to turn back to the sleeping figure at his side. Maybe sleep will clear my head, Tsukishima thought, testing how comfortable a 190 centimeter teenager could actually get on a bus seat. 

Not much, he discovered, but enough to slip on his headphones and close his eyes, hoping whatever light rest he could manage would get him through the day. 

–

Tsukishima could not focus. Wandering through the halls, getting ready to face Tokonami, his brain felt foggy and his legs like jelly. Everyone stood in the hallway, waiting until the match before them finished so they could begin warming up. Hinata swayed nervously before him while Daichi and Kageyama were probably the most levelheaded among them. 

Thinking vaguely back to his breakfast, it felt as though he hadn’t eaten anything at all. I should not be this tired before a match. 

Shoving all of his exhaustion down, they all waited until it was time to push forward, the team's energy spiking as soon as they stepped foot on the court. It was a nervous focus that fell over Karasuno, everyone reacting slightly differently. Unsurprisingly, Tsukishima could see Yamaguchi struggle with having so many eyes on him as he played, but there was a willpower in him to keep playing. 

Tsukishima didn’t entirely understand where that came from, even as he ran around warming up. His legs felt heavy, jumps already falling shorter than usual, though he tried passing it off as not going all out before the game. He didn’t know why his head was swimming, his thoughts everywhere even as the game began.

Nishinoya and Tanaka screaming wasn't helping, earning a glare from him, Daichi and the referee. Hinata and Kageyama’s quick is as annoyingly magnificent as it is in practice. Asahi is a powerhouse, Daichi is ever reliable, and the match turns out well in their favor. 

In the back of his mind, he began to worry. It was a relatively easy match, one played through two sets where the other team never hit the twenty point range. 

Tsukishima did not know if he could’ve made it to a third. 

—

When they had won their first match, Yamaguchi felt as excited as he was relieved. Elated from the sidelines, he could taste the joy of not being out their first match, even if he was on the sidelines for most of it. He was able to wrangle Tsukki into some dim version of celebration, a quick lunch that may have just been a banana, but to Yamaguchi looked like a success. Start small. 

Now that the first game jitters were out of the way, their next match was one he could see through clearer eyes. It was through these that, watching carefully from his perch off of the court, he wondered if it was his paranoia or reality that Tsukki was unstable. 

He certainly pretended he was his usual self, making accurate reads and serving as their team’s shield. Maybe Yamaguchi was looking too closely, too overanalytical of every minor stumble or the way he was sweating too much for a clean two set wipe. 

It was his nature to worry, so when their match against Date Tech came next, he was as sharp eyed as ever. Faced against the iron wall, Tsukki seemed evenly matched, both in play style and height. Asahi and Tanaka’s sharp spikes, Kageyama’s increasingly powerful serves, Hinata’s attempts to fight against the sheer height of the other teams blocks, they all register in the back of his skull, outshadowed by the way Tsukki huffs in an exhaustion born of something greater than the first twenty minutes of a game. 

As the rotations cycle through, Tsukki comes to stand next to him when Hinata and Nishinoya are in. Anxiety floats in his stomach at the sight of his friend trying to play off whatever tiredness was coursing through him. The way he resisted folding over and putting his hands on his knees. 

Knowing this wasn’t the place, he kept his eyes forward and filed away this information for later. I’ll ask him about it afterwards. 

Part of him was scared that he knew the answer.

The game soldiered on with them taking the first set 25 to 19. Strategies fall into play, Coach Ukai moving Hinata up in the rotation to avoid Aone. The game is much harder fought than their first, though it’s Asahi that shines, managing to score the final point. 

Yamaguchi rushes in from the sidelines, equal parts joyous at the thought of moving along in the bracket and terrified for his friend who could barely stand. Touching his back slightly, Yamaguchi smiled up at him, saying, “you did so good, Tsukki!” 

He grunted, patting Yamaguchi’s shoulder before standing off to the side, looking ready to leave. 

Once everyone was calmed down enough, they did the usual post game rituals. Yamaguchi enjoyed them for what they were, pushing his worries back into his mind, promising himself to talk to Tsukki about everything later. He had eaten dinner with him and breakfast, that had to count for something, right? 

—

Tsukishima was at his limit. The game they were waiting for, one that he knew would go into all three sets, was one he was supposed to be excited for. In their teal and white uniforms, Aoba Johsai stood before them on the other side of the net, completely deserving of being called a powerhouse school. 

He should’ve held some small spark of joy, of his usual competitiveness, yet all that was there was a bone deep tiredness. He was going to be sick, and it wasn’t something he could hide with his usual practiced aloofness. 

“Tsukishima, are you alright?” he heard Daichi ask him, a look of concern on his captain's face. 

“Yes, I’m fine,” he responded, not willing to elaborate. Yamaguchi had already asked him the same question three times on the way here, and his patience for him was far greater than any he had left for his team. 

Warm ups were tiring, even more so with how focused the entire team seemed to be, Kageyama especially. Tsukishima would've been surprised with anything less, though he wasn’t looking forward to how hard he would have to fight to keep up. 

He had to fight to not look at Yamaguchi, as annoying as he was when he tried to get him to eat, he relied on this one link keeping him from quitting all together. 

It didn’t matter, volleyball, but he still had to try. 

He was the first to serve, the weak overhand received by Kunimi who passed it up. Oikawa was the one to catch it, slamming it down to receive the first point. Great. 

They rally next, fierce competition overlaying the bad blood between Karasuno’s and Aoba Johsai’s star setters. Kageyama dumps the point after, something that Tsukishima can’t directly complain about when it scores but never fails to annoy him. He only had so much energy to spare, why waste it on running? Hinata was supposed to be the decoy. 

He played that part well, until Seijoh figured out the quick attack’s calls. For as stupid Tsukishima thought dumb and dumber were, he was surprised that Kageyama and Hinata’s calls lasted for as long as they did. 

Kindaichi was up to serve next, scoring two aces before Asahi could pick up the next serve, Daichi ending the other side's streak with a hit from the right. Being so far behind in score, things start to get rushed, with Kageyama getting blocked on another setter dump and the point gap starting to get bigger. By the end of the first set, it was 25-15 with Seijoh taking the lead. 

Tsukishima was sweating bullets by this point, entirely too tired for a set that ended fairly quickly. Wiping off his forehead, he took a long drink of water, trying to focus on the way the liquid cooled off his throat and stomach like coolant coursing through him. 

He heard Coach Ukai talking to them, knew that Daichi and Nishinoya would be in the back to handle Oikawa’s serves, and yet he could barely hold it together. He felt like someone had shoved cotton in his brain; he knew what to do but everything was hazy like his body wasn’t his own. He fought dizziness and numb legs, something that was bleeding into his performance. He caught Yamaguchi’s nervous glances several times, though it started to bleed into his other teammates as well. Suga and Daichi cast him the occasional stare, indicating they knew something was up even if he said nothing was. 

It wasn’t bad enough to where anything changed though, the sheer focus on regaining the second set right at the forefront of every player's mind. Tsukishima was relieved at how well he held it together through the second set, all things considered. Where he failed the first time he made the first point with a set from Suga. Kageyama finally began sending him sets that he could control, and the set ended on a block by both him and the King. One and one, they had a chance at winning. 

It was in the third set that things started to go wrong. 

It began with him starting to stumble on the landings of his blocks, his unsteadiness becoming more and more apparent. He tried to shove breaths down into his lungs, feeling like it would never be enough to soothe the ache he felt building in his body. It hurts. 

The numbers climb, Karasuno trying to use their arsenal of attacks for some kind of advantage, or at least to keep up. Tsukishima certainly wasn't doing that, as he had to fight to keep upright. He couldn't tell if anyone noticed, either from his inability to pay attention or from the way the edges of his vision started to black out.

He dimly noticed Yamaguchi getting subbed in as their pinch shooter, and let his hands fall to his sides, trusting in his friend to succeed. The ball hit the net, tumbling down to their side in a way that he knew would haunt Yamaguchi. Filing it away for later, he may try to console him, but for now he was focused on trying to end the game. 

It was somewhere after they surpassed 25 that Tsukishima went to make a block, jumping on unsteady legs. He barely grazed the ball, going to call out before realizing his voice was stuck in his throat, and everything he had been trying to stave off came crashing down. 

He fell to his knees before folding over onto his side, his vision going blurry. Everything was all too quiet, his ears ringing in a way that he should've been concerned about. He tried to get up only to realize that he couldn't move, his body revolting. He thought he saw Coach Takeda and Ukai above him, Daichi and Suga floating around somewhere in the background. He saw their lips move but couldn't make out the sounds. 

Moving his head, a wave of static took over his vision until everything was grainy. 

Drifting off somewhere far away, he distantly heard something startlingly like a hyperventilating Tadashi before he blacked out completely.

Chapter Text

Yamaguchi was sitting on a crinkly piece of paper that the nurse had put over the bed, something that vaguely reminded him of parchment paper. The way it stuck to the back of his thighs as he rocked himself back and forth was abysmal, yet another factor piling onto the vast mountain of panic coursing through him as he struggled to breathe. 

He had had a panic attack before, but that didn’t really mean anything. It still hurt, and it was something he would never get used to. 

Yamaguchi clutched his hands around his throat, tears clogging his eyes as he tried, tried, to calm down. He didn’t know how long he had been there, only that the game must be over soon. Someone had taken him to the nurse, who had given him a bag to breathe in and an ice pack. His body felt like it was running marathons even though he was on the bench for the majority of the game. Every inch of him was sweaty, shaky, and unfamiliar as he continued to spiral down into his deepest fears.

Tsukki, oh god, he–

I should have told someone,

This is all my fault, I–

“Yamaguchi, sorry about this,” he heard Daichi say. When did he get here? He felt himself being pulled to the floor kneeling before a trash can before ice cold water was dumped over the back of his head. It ran off into the black trash bag, dripping off of his hair, cheeks, and nose down. 

“Wha–,” he gasped out, looking up at his captain. He wore a soft yet determined expression, one that did not match the freezing cold water now dribbling down the back of Yamaguchi’s uniform. 

“Sorry, I figured it was the only way to get your heartrate down,” Daichi said, kneeling down next to him. He didn’t touch him, but he sat with him silently, letting Yamaguchi catch his breath and his breathing slowly returned to something manageable.

“S–sorry,” Yamaguchi muttered, hugging his arms around himself. While he could breathe again, the sweat was starting to cool on his skin and still felt unstable. All he wanted was to go home. All he wanted was to see Tsukki. “Tsukki, is he okay?” He panicked, looking through Daichi’s expression for any sign of bad news. 

Daichi smiled, nodding before adding, “They called an ambulance for him. He should be okay, but we don’t have any more information yet. We’ll know more once he gets admitted.”

“Daichi, I’m, I’m really worried about him,” Yamaguchi spewed, feeling the anxiety start to weave itself back around his heart. Daichi was there in a second, trying to soothe him before it got worse again. 

“Her, he’s going to be fine, he’s tough,” he said, moving to sit next to him. He rubbed soothing circles around Yamaguchi’s back, trying to talk him down from another panic attack. “He can get through this, and you’ll be able to visit him soon enough anyways. It didn’t look like an injury, so I’m sure he’ll be discharged soon.”

“No Daichi, it’s…” Yamaguchi stuttered out, suddenly overwhelmed at the weight of what he had done, or rather had not done. He should’ve told someone, if he had just said something Tsukki wouldn’t be like this Tsukki would be okay Tsukki wouldn’t be inthehospitalTsukkiwouldn’t–

“Hey, hey Yamaguchi it’s going to be okay, can you tell me what made you so panicked?” Daichi asked quietly, never leaving his side. Yamaguchi didn’t answer with words, only opting to let out a violent sob as he mushed his head into Daichi’s shoulder. “Is it that you know what’s been going on with Tsukishima?” 

Yamaguchi cried harder, nodding slightly. “I’m so sorry Daichi, I’m sorry.” 

“Hey, it’s okay,” Daichi comforted him, trying to give him a slightly awkward side hug as he dug for more information. “You know everyone on the team just wants him to be okay, including me. We won’t be mad at either of you. Can you tell me what’s been going on?” 

Yamaguchi sobbed harder at that, though it didn’t spiral beyond that. His eyes felt scratchy and his throat felt clogged, but he didn’t feel like his breath was clamping off. He still felt shaky, but that wouldn’t go away until he had been calmed down for a while. For now, he recounted everything he knew to Daichi. How he had found his friend that day in the bathroom, how he had thought he was getting better. How he tried to watch his friend after he ate so he wouldn’t throw it all back up.

“I don’t know what else to do,” Yamaguchi whispered as he finished, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. Daichi silently handed him a tissue, which he needed five of to feel somewhat presentable. “I’m sorry for keeping it from you, and from coach.”

“Yamaguchi, you’ve done everything you could’ve that you thought was right,” Daichi hesitated, trying to find the right words. “He needs professional help though, if what you’re saying is true. He’s sick, and that isn’t something you, or any of us really, can fix.”

 In the back of his mine Yamaguchi knew that, of course he did. But he also wanted it to be him, for Tsukki to change for him. 

“If he’s been doing this for as long as he said, then it’s good he’s at the hospital,” Daichi sighed, clapping Yamaguchi on the back. “He will be okay, and he’ll have all of us when he’s ready, especially you.”

Yamaguchi could only nod, trying to dispel the unease coursing through him. “You did okay, Yamaguchi,” Daichi reassured him, helping him up. “Now you have to leave it to the professionals.”

Sighing, he looked around and found a mirror, trying to make it look like he hadn’t been crying for the past however long. He heard Daichi move to the door, but before leaving he stopped. “Oh, and Yamaguchi?” 

He turned around to look at Daichi. “You don’t have to carry everything by yourself. Take as long as you need; Coach is outside waiting for you,” he said, turning to leave. 

Once the door fully shut, Yamaguchi fought with everything he had to not start crying again. 

—

There was a consistent beeping in Tsukishima’s ear when he woke up. Rustling around, he opened his eyes to a sterile looking hospital room (which was a very generous word for what he realized was a bulky bed enclosed by a light blue curtain). Looking around, he could see an IV next to him force feeding fluids into a needle stuck into his arm. The beeping was a heart monitor, along with some other miscellaneous machinery that he didn’t recognize. 

He tried to recall what had happened. He was playing Seijoh for their spot to battle Shitatorizawa, and he blacked out in the middle of the game. What happened after that? He didn’t even know what day it was, let alone if it was daytime. 

Looking around, Tsukishima didn’t really know what to do. He searched for something like a call button before just settling back down. He wanted answers, but not enough to want to talk to anybody. Maybe it was the fluids they inevitably had running through him but his head felt clearer than it had in months. Enough for him to register the horrendous feeling of embarrassment, guilt, and resentment at how he had collapsed. Tadashi was always the one for dramatics, yet he went out in a way that every single person on the court wouldn’t forget. 

His mind wandered to Tadashi then, the guilt getting worse. He remembered vaguely how distressed he had been, though he was sure it was much worse than he was remembering. Everything inside of him was telling him to find some way to apologize, to fix it, and yet he couldn’t grapple with the fact that he almost never wanted to see him again. 

He couldn’t face Tadashi after this. The thought of even going back to school was sickening. 

Tsukishima let himself ruminate, staring up at the cold ceiling as he heard people shuffle around outside and nurses call out commands. He knew he wouldn’t stay alone forever, but he at least thought the first face he’d see was a nurse. 

Barreling towards him was instead Akiteru. “Kei, you’re awake!” 

If he was being honest Tsukishima thought he would still be away at college, though he guessed his mom had told him something was wrong with him. Tsukishima couldn’t have guessed that his brother would gather him into a fierce hug and start crying. 

Startled into silence, he let him cradle the back of his head, sighing as he rested his hands on the bed, unable to bring them around the other. “What’s wrong with you?” he asked softly. He didn’t have the confidence to apologize. To say he was sorry for making him worry. 

“I should be asking you that,” Akiteru croaked, pulling away to wipe his eyes and clear his throat. He looked Tsukishima in the eyes then, an uncomfortable thing that made him want to crawl away. He spent so long hiding; he hated that now everyone would always be watching. “Kei, you know…the doctors, they said you were malnourished. Dangerously low BMI, low on iron, vitamins, the whole works.”

Tsukishima looked down, unable to continue looking at his brother. He already knew this, but it hurt to have someone else know. Someone besides Tadashi. 

“They said if this continued, it would affect you for the rest of your life. Early osteoporosis, higher risk for dementia,” Akiteru rattled off, becoming resolute. “Kei, when was the last time you ate a proper meal?” 

Tsukishima didn’t know. He’d been purging most of the time when he ate alone, the only times he kept food down was when Tadashi was around to watch him. Tadashi? He was doing it again. 

Shaking his head, he couldn’t really give an answer. Akiteru sighed, running a hand over his face. “When did this start?”

Tsukishima would’ve not answered, but he made the mistake of looking up. He made it a point to keep everything at bay, never really letting anything get too close to his heart. The look on Akiteru’s face shattered that. 

“A couple years,” Tsukishima whispered. “It only started to get worse in high school.”

“Why didn’t you tell anyone?” Akiteru said, dejected. He could see the tears pooling in his older brother’s eyes and he wished he never found out about him, that he was still in the mystical far off college and only appeared a few times a year. 

“Why would I? I was okay.”

“No, Kei,” Akiteru bit out. “You weren’t, and you aren’t if you think that any of this is. Everyone is worried about you, me, mom, dad, your team, your coaches, and especially Yamaguchi. He’s been here three times now, only to get turned away because it’s family only right now.”

The thought of that made him twist even further into a pit of guilt. He hated himself for doing this to everyone. If only they had been spared from it, everything would’ve been okay. 

 “I’m sorry,” Tsukishima whispered, and Akiteru must’ve known he had gone too far because Tsukishima, the boy who never let his walls down, started to cry. 

He knew what he had been doing was not normal. He knew it was unhealthy, that it was unsustainable, and yet he did it unwavering. The urge was still there, so much so that he considered tearing the IV line out, but with the pressure of wrongness weighing down on him, he broke down. He felt Akiteru snake his hands around him once more, and this time he hugged him back, something he hadn’t done since he was very young. 

“Oh Kei, it’s okay, it’ll be okay,” Akiteru murmured, Tsukishima let him say it, even if he didn’t believe it. He didn’t know how to go about any of this. 

“Akiteru, when can I leave,” Tsukishima rasped, pulling back from the embrace. 

 At that, Akiteru turned awkwardly towards the wall, not looking at him. “Actually, they have to keep you here for a few days. To make sure you can get back to a semi-healthy weight.”

“No,” Tsukishima responded immediately. “I want to go home.”

“Afterwards, when you get discharged,” Akiteru continued on, ignoring him, “someone will probably be with you. You know, to make sure you hold down food and things.”

“That’s impossible, Mom and Dad work,” Tsukishima ground out, already lamenting being followed around like a toddler all day. “I’ll be fine.”

Akiteru gave him a pointed look before continuing. “I’ll be here for a while, and Yamaguchi can help. Mom and Dad will likely make you start eating breakfast again with them.”

Scowling, Tsukishima clutched his hands into fists. It was all too much too quick. He figured there had to be some way to compromise, some way to eat with his family and still feed the devil on his shoulder. Maybe he could bide his time. Surely they’d all give up in a few months if he did good? Or maybe he could start taxing laxatives, though the thought of that was even more unappealing than the first time he had made himself throw up. 

“Kei?” Akiteru tested, trying to feel out his younger brother’s mood. 

“Fine, I can’t do anything else about it, can I,” Tsukishima barked, his frown deepening before catching on to what Akiteru said earlier. “What do you mean you’re ‘here for a while?’ You have school.”

“Ah, yeah, I took some time off. Family emergency,” Akiteru said, rubbing a hand over the back of his neck. “I have the next two weeks before I go back.”

Tsukishima stared at his brother then, an odd rush of emotions flowing through him. He didn’t know whether to feel embarrassed, grateful, or something else entirely and it confused him. He couldn’t bring himself to find an adequate response so he nodded and turned away, not looking at him as he tried to shift the conversation. "Can I have my phone?" 

"Ah, about that," Akiteru said, bringing his hands back up to his head. He's nervous. "Mom and Dad think it's better for you to not have it during recovery. Don't worry, I have it. I'm not going to go through it or anything, but they won't let me give it to you until later."

Clicking his tongue, he truly checked out of the conversation. He would direct his anger to his parents, not Akiteru. 

These next few days were going to be grating the more Tsukishima thought about it. His family, their worry, was deserved yet not entirely welcome. How annoying, he thought. He couldn’t bring himself to fully believe it. 

–

Yamaguchi was finally let in. It helped that he managed to catch Akiteru, who joyously vouched for him and brought him into the bowels of the hospital. His stomach turned in anxiety the farther they walked, images of his collapsed friend running through his brain on repeat. He somehow conjured the image of Tsukki on a ventilator as they continued their march, imagining the worst case scenario just to prepare for the worst. 

He could’ve cried at the sight of a very annoyed Tsukki sitting up in bed, perfectly fine, picking at a pudding cup he obviously didn’t want to finish. “Tsukki,” Yamaguchi said, his brain going blank. The two stared at each other, stuck in an awkward limbo of deciding whether to face the vast problems that weighed down the room, laying tension thick in the air. 

Yamaguchi broke it first, rushing forward with a sob and clinging to the frail body like he was a fly on a glue trap, unable to let go. “Tsukki–” Yamaguchi sobbed, digging his face into his shoulder, noting how boney it had become.

“Is this a trend now?” Tsukki snipped, bringing his hand up to card through Yamaguchi’s hair. He looked up at the feeling, studying Tsukki’s face for any changes. The lack of natural lighting made the shadows more defined, the bends of his face and neck revealing a gauntness that had been there all along, yet invisible to the unknowing eye. 

“What are you talking about?” Yamaguchi croaked, sitting back on the bed. Relieved as he was, he could see Tsukki was okay, which meant his sadness was shoved aside in favor of another molten emotion: anger. “How could you?” Yamaguchi bit out, voice still jumbled from crying. He shoved at Tsukki’s shoulders, pushing him back onto the bed. “You–you said everything was fine. Why are you such a liar? YOU NEVER LIE.” 

Tsukki looked down at that, no doubt trying to find a response. Somewhere in the middle of it, Akiteru mumbled at how he was going to go to the restroom, leaving them in the confines of a curtain room with no privacy. That didn’t stop Yamaguchi. “Do you know how scared I was? How we all were? What it was like pacing around while you were ‘fine’ inside of a hospital? Do you know, Tsukki?”

Waiting, gauging his reaction, Yamaguchi added, “Do you know how worried I was?”

Tsukki looked up at that, fresh tears in his eyes. Yamaguchi was startled at that, not quite knowing what to do. Tsukki never cried. Oh shit, I made Tsukki cry.

“S–sorry, Tsukki,” Yamaguchi stuttered, not exactly sure what to do. He didn’t take anything back, what he said was true. It went a little deeper than that, but it was the surface level of everything he’d been feeling. He didn’t want to entirely overwhelm Tsukki by saying I think I’m in love with you, and I need you to be okay. 

“Yamaguchi,”  Tsukishima whispered, looking at him through tear stained eyes. “Shut up,” he murmured, before hugging him again. This time, Yamaguchi settled into him, finding the parts that fit as they sat silently together. He felt Tsukki run a hand down his spine, up and down slowly as his shirt slowly soaked through with tears from the crying man before him. 

Yamaguchi felt the growing anxiety in him quiet underneath the touch of Tsukki, the rightness of being together settling down somewhere inside of him before surging again. He didn’t realize the words left his lips until they were already out.

“I love you, Tsukki.”

He stilled beneath him, growing rigid in a way that scared Yamaguchi to no end. Immediately, he backtracked. “I–I mean I was just worried, you know? It’s–”

“Shut up, Yamaguchi,” Tsukishima whispered, before he began to laugh. Yamaguchi froze, the foreign feeling of a truly happy Tsukki so far gone he had forgotten the way his demeanor lit up when he did laugh. 

“Me too,” he added, hugging him close to whisper it so quietly no one else could hear before someone coughed aggressively down the hall. Tsukki jumped back, pushing Yamaguchi away quickly. Before he had a chance to be mad, the curtain pushed open to reveal a nurse alongside Akiteru and his parents. 

“Yamaguchi, thank you for visiting!” Tsukishima’s mother said tiredly, her husband nodding towards him. Yamaguchi stood up to greet them, bowing slightly to the three and the nurse. 

“Thank you, Tsukishima-san,” he said politely, moving to stand off to the side and out of the way. 

“It’s good you’re here, we could use your help,” she continued on, looking from him to a rapidly souring Tsukki. “Kei will be released tomorrow, so we would kindly ask you to look out for him at school when he returns.”

“Of course,” Yamaguchi smiled, nodding at her as if he hadn’t made that his personal goal ever since he found out about him. 

“Thank you dear,” she said, motioning for Akiteru to come over. “Visiting hours here are almost up, Yakitori, can you walk him out? You’re free to visit once Kei is home, of course.”

Akiteru nodded and smiled at Yamaguchi before sending a spine shivering smirk to Tsukki. He didn’t want to know what that meant, or if he had heard him earlier. 

Tsukki would be okay though, here with his family and him. And me. Tsukki said he loved me. 

The thought made him practically fly, bouncing off of the balls of his feet next to a very observant Akiteru. 

“I don’t know what you see in him,” he said, shaking his head at Yamaguchi, who blushed profusely. He would not talk about his crush on Tsukki to his older brother in the middle of a hospital. 

Is it still a crush if it’s reciprocated? 

Yamaguchi couldn’t wait until Tsukki had his phone back, or for him to be home, He had too much he wanted to say, and the time in between would be torture. 

“Tsukishima, when can Tsukki get his phone back?” Yamaguchi asked, wanting to interview his…friend? The elder pulled out Tsukki’s phone from his pocket, waving it around in a teasing sort of way. 

“When he’s home, Mom and Dad didn’t want him to have it in recovery,” Akiteru said, pocketing it. “Don’t worry, I'm sure you'll be the first person he texts.”

Yamaguchi blushed even harder, refusing to look at him. 

It would definitely be a long night, but that was okay. Tsukki’s okay. That was enough. 

Chapter Text

Smothered was too tame a word to describe how Tsukishima felt. Every morning, he sat desolate with his parents for breakfast, forced to hang around so the food could settle in his stomach with no chance of escape. Someone followed him to the bathroom to make sure he wouldn’t purge. Akiteru hovered, and as nice as it was that he had come to take care of him, Tsukishima felt like he was ten seconds away from boiling over completely, yelling at anyone near him to simply back off. 

His only solace was Yamaguchi. Immediately after receiving his phone from a very teasing Akiteru, he texted the other. It was the middle of the week, an odd time for them to meet up as Tsukishima wasn’t planning on going to school until the following day. He realized suddenly that he didn’t even know what had happened in the final moments of the game, or if their season at the interhigh was over. 

Tsukishima: I’m home. Text me when you’re out of school.  

He put his phone down, opting to move into his room where he had some workbooks to get through. He had missed three days of school so far, which wasn’t too many to worry him but annoying nonetheless. Pulling out a notebook, he began working through his notes before he heard his phone ping. 

Yamaguchi: Tsukki!! You have your phone back! 

Unconsciously, a slight smile appeared on his lips to his friend that was very much not paying attention in class. 

Tsukishima: Miss me? 

Yamaguchi: Shut up. I have all of the homework you missed, I’ll bring it by after practice. 

Tsukishima: About that. What happened at the Interhigh? We lose?

Yamaguchi: Yeah, though we got really close to winning! Next time, we will. Everyone is already training harder. 

Tsukishima: Hm. Focus on school, talk later. 

He had expected it. He didn’t even know if he would continue with volleyball, but that wasn’t a conversation he was going to have over text.  It’s just a club. And the thought of facing everyone was mortifying.

Focusing instead on his schoolwork, he tried to just pass time by, his brother bringing him a glass of tea with honey and milk in it. If he didn’t think about the fact that they were all trying to sneak as many extra calories into whatever he ate, it was yummy. 

Time passed both slowly and quickly, an odd ticking of the clock where the minutes were slow but the hours passed him by until he heard a knock at his door. Annoyed at another snack delivery, he stopped in his tracks at the sight of Yamaguchi in his doorway, an awkward smile on his face as he let himself in. 

“Hi Tsukki,” he said, setting down his backpack. He pulled out a folder and gave him a stack of papers, enough to where he’d be busy all the way through the weekend. “If you need any help, I can try.” 

Tsukishima nodded, taking the papers before turning around and staring at his desk. It was somehow easier to talk in the hospital, his emotions still on high after everything came crashing down. He had a plan now though. Endure until suspicion passed him by. Yamaguchi Tadashi complicated this. 

“Tsukki?” Yamaguchi ventured, sitting down on the floor with his back leaning against the bedframe. “How are you doing?”

He sighed. Every bone in his body that had wanted to talk to Yamaguchi broke; he didn’t know what to say. How can I lie to him? 

“School was good,” Yamaguchi said, shifting the conversation. He had a tendency to do that, working them back into a sense of safety and normalcy before pushing for anything deeper. “Practice has been going smoothly. All of the third years are staying for spring.”

Tsukishima hummed, nodding politely as he started on the homework. His eyes scanned the words, not entirely taking any of them in. Yamaguchi continued, “Everyone is worried about you. I told them you’re recovering and will be back soon.”

That stopped him completely. The thing he wanted to avoid most, the hassle of reassurance and false pretence. He hated doing anything that wasn’t entirely what he wanted to do. Why bother telling everyone why he had passed out, what was wrong with him, when all they would do was worry.

“I can’t read your mind, you know,” Yamaguchi chuckled, wringing his hands together. “I like to think I know you pretty well, though.” Tsukishima looked down then at Yamaguchi, who was staring at his feet splayed out before him. As if he could sense the other’s attention on him, he looked up to meet Tsukishima’s eyes, a glimmer of stubbornness shining in them.

“I think you should let everyone help you,” he said, getting up onto his knees before moving closer. “Not pretend, like you’re doing now.”

Tsukishima’s eyes widened, though the other didn’t even let him respond properly. “You don’t get to get everyone’s hopes up and relapse like it’s nothing,” Yamaguchi whispered, tentatively grabbing the other’s hand. “If it’s hard, let it be hard. You hate eating, so don’t suddenly pretend you’re okay with it. Save that for when you start to become actually okay. For now, just…let us be here for you.” 

Tsukishima could hear the unspoken words in it. Let me be here for you. As if that wasn’t something he had craved since the start.

“Shut up, Yamaguchi,” Tsukishima whispered, pulling his head against his chest as Yamaguchi wrapped his hands around his waist. He ran his fingers through the soft brown hair, taking his time to smooth it out in a way he hoped came off as comforting.  “I already know that.” 

Shivering slightly, Yamaguchi pulled back to look up at Tsukishima, who was surprised to see the tears that pooled in his eyes. “Yamaguchi?” Tsukishima asked, keeping one hand on his head and the other somewhere around his shoulder. 

“I’m worried about you,” Yamaguchi sniffled, letting his tears fall. “I love you, and I want that to be enough, I want you to get better and I–” 

“Tadashi,” Tsukishima whispered, moving to cradle his face with both of his hands. He used his thumbs to wipe away the tears that fell off of Yamaguchi’s face, stroking his cheeks slowly so that they glided softly over his freckles. “I’m sorry for making you worry.”

Yamaguchi blushed at his first name, trying to hide his face in one of Tsukishima’s hands, which made the latter smile slightly. It disappeared though at the conversation he was going to have to have. “I can’t promise anything,” Tsukishima started, frowning at the direction it had to go. “I still have..urges…and I still don’t exactly want to stop. But I hate making you worry.”

Somewhat reluctantly, he also added, “And you being with me helps.”

The look on Yamaguchi’s face made his embarrassment worth it. Shining with reassurance, Yamaguchi beamed up at him, moving up to hug him properly. Nuzzling his cheek into Tsukishima’s neck, he clutched at his back tightly, almost as if he was scared Tsukishima would take the words back. “Tsukki!” 

Sighing, he fell into his touch, returning a hand to Yamaguchi’s hair. He figured that was enough confessions for the day, though Yamaguchi seemed to think otherwise. 

“Kei?” He tested, laughing at how rigid Tsukishima got. “What, you’re allowed to use mine, but I can’t use yours?” 

“Just didn’t expect it,” Tsukishima said, voice lined with teasing. If there was one unexpected side effect of their confession, it was the doors it opened in terms of teasing his best friend. Of course, it also went both ways. 

“Why wouldn’t you expect it, Kei?” Yamaguchi said playfully, swinging them from side to side, still in their hug. His voice sent tingles down Tsukishima’s spine as they rocked back and forth.

Shaking his head, he let Yamaguchi continue, squeezing him a little tighter to his chest. “You’ve been catching me off guard lately, that’s all,” Tsukishima said, resuming running his hands through the other’s hair. “Can I call you that though? Your first name?.”

The other pulled away to look Tsukishima in the eye, smiling as he brought his hands up to rest on his cheeks. “Yeah, of course you can.”

Tsukishima nodded, giving the other a small smile in return. “You can call me by my first name too, just not in public.”

Tadashi laughed before reaffirming, “I know, Tsukki. I know you well enough to understand that much, though I did slip up slightly when you got hurt…” 

Tsukishima raised an eyebrow, smirking as he watched Tadashi blush and duck away. “I’m sorry, I was just really worried! I didn’t really process what I was saying, I just said it.”

Thinking back on when he past out, he could vaguely remember Tadashi crying but it didn’t go beyond that. His stomach dropped at the thought of freaking him out so badly. 

The thought must have shown on his face as Tadashi squeezed his cheeks tight, shaking his own head. “It’s not your fault I reacted that way, though I hope you won’t ever let things get that bad again. I’ll always be here for you, and everyone else to,” Tadashi pressed, the light atmosphere fading away to the heavy worry that seemed to follow Tsukishima everywhere he went recently.

“Sorry, Tadashi,” Tsukishima whispered, moving forward to rest his forehead against the others. They stayed like that for a little while, breath mingling with each other in silent acceptance before Tadashi had to awkwardly point out he was still on his knees and they were beginning to get sore. 

Giving up his work at the desk, the two moved to Tsukishima’s bed, Tadashi on the outside with Tsukishima up against the wall. They both were on their sides looking at each other in the dim light that came from the lamp at his desk. “Tsukki?” Tadashi whispered, reaching out to trace the others face. His fingers grazed lightly at his nose, cheeks, and eyes, eventually over every feature in soft reverence he hadn’t seen directed so openly at himself before.

“What, Yamaguchi?” Tsukishima said, reaching up to grab the other’s hand in his own.

“Are we dating?” Tadashi ventured, squeezing their hands together as he kept anxious eye contact. At the question, Tsukishima smiled, knowing that they should say it out loud. 

“I want to be,” he responded. Tadashi looked away at that, pulling his hand away to cover his face.

“I would like that too,” he stuttered, pink flushing his cheeks. Tsukishima gently pulled the hands away from Tadashi’s face, trying to bring his eyes back up to his. 

“Tadashi,” Tsukishima said, reveling in the way he seemed to drink up his words and shy away from them. “Will you be my boyfriend?” 

Nodding violently, Tadashi scooted forward to rest his head underneath Tsukishima’s, either from a sudden need for closeness or refusal to keep being so visibly flustered under Tsukishima’s watchful eyes. Smiling, Tsukishima crawled over Tadashi to flip the lamp light off, bathing the room in darkness as he settled back down, pulling the other close in his arms. 

“Kei,” Tadashi whispered, his breath tickling Tsukishima’s skin as he hummed in response. “I love you.”

For the first time since coming home from the hospital, Tsukishima Kei felt like something was finally going right. That this was what he was missing, the final puzzle piece clicking into place.

“I love you too, Tadashi. Now sleep.” 

—

Tsukishima was normally calm, not exactly letting something like nerves get the best of him, and yet he felt like running away. The thought of returning to practice haunted him, making his return to school much more tumultuous than he had hoped for. They had after school practice today, something for him to ruminate over throughout every single one of his classes. 

While Tadashi had reassured him that everyone was understanding, he also knew they were a lot to deal with. I want to get it over with. Plus he had the issue of whether or not he could still play. If Coach and Ukai found out about his health, would they suspend him? Did they already know?

He knew he’d have Tadashi there to diffuse for him, to back him up regardless of his decision, and yet he couldn’t stomach the idea of returning. He didn’t know what to think. 

The day went by quick, maybe his impending reunion forcing the time to pass quicker. Either way, he walked towards the club room with Tadashi next to him, slipping easily into a mask of indifference. Trying to steel himself, Tsukishima opened the door to find Narita and Ennoshita inside. They looked up at him, surprise lacing their faces as they finished changing. 

“Hey man, we didn’t know you’d be back today,” Ennoshita said calmly, trying to keep his voice neutral.

Tsukishima hummed, moving to his locker to get into athletic clothes. He could tell there were things left unsaid in the air, questions that lingered like dust floating around. He just had to wait for them all to settle and maybe he could keep walking without prompting them.

“Yamaguchi said you were okay, but it would be nice to hear it from you,” he continued on, much to Tsukishima’s disappointment. How he wished they would all forget what happened that day with Aoba Johsai. 

“I passed out. It was a thing,” Tsukishima bit out, shoving his athletic clothes on. “I’m better now.”

He doubted they believed him, but they both didn’t bring it up again. Now came the hard part. 

Opening the doors to the gymnasium, he walked in like normal. Never looking around, not even letting the way everything turned silent get under his skin. “TSUKISHIMAA—“ Hinata yelled, the first one to break his delicate facade of return like nothing had happened. The middle blocker bound over to him, shoes clomping awkwardly on the waxed floorboards. “What happened, are you okay? Yamaguchi wouldn’t tell us anything.”

Clenching his teeth, he couldn’t even get out a response before Nishinoya and Tanaka descended on him, the former jumping on him and the latter running into him, sealing the deal for tipping him over. They crashed to the floor, Nishinoya sprawled across his back while Tanaka was off to his side. 

“Tsukki!” Tadashi called out, running over to pull Nishinoya up, “The last thing he needs is you giving him a concussion, Nishinoya.”

“Sorry, sorry,” he said, clambering up to his feet. Tsukishima followed, scowling clear on his face. 

“Oi, calm down!” he heard Daichi call out, jogging over to the increasing mass around him. “He didn’t die, quit suffocating him. Get back to practice.”

Tsukishima shot him a grateful glance before working his way to a less crowded area of the gym. His plan was to take it easy, maybe practice serving, when he heard Coaches Takeda and Ukai call him over, the latter jerking his head to motion him outside. 

The air still had a cold bite to it as he followed them out, though he was grateful to have not even broken out in a sweat otherwise the wind would thoroughly tear through him. 

“How are you doing, kid?” Ukai said, his voice softer than he was used to hearing.

“Okay,” Tsukishima nodded, keeping his posture relaxed. 

“We received a call from your mother,” Takeda said, taking over the conversation. Tsukishima’s heart immediately falls. “She informed us of your hospital visit, and some concerns. I have to say, I carry some as well.”

“What did she tell you,” Tsukishima snapped, upset that his mom actually told the school. 

Takeda sighed and attempted to smile, something Tsukishima thought was supposed to be reassuring. It did not work. 

“She told us that you suffered from malnourishment, and that she didn’t want you playing again until you were back up to a stable and healthy weight,” he said, keeping his gaze solely on Tsukishima. “As your advisor, it is my job to make sure you are in the best position in your life, both academically and healthily, and right now I can’t let you play when you are putting yourself at risk.”

Tsukishima stared down at him, his words stinging in some place far down. 

It’s just a club.

He looked back at Ukai, who wore a similar expression of decisiveness. “I can’t play anymore?” Tsukishima asked bluntly, a foreign twinge of sadness sneaking into his voice. 

“Not until you're healthy,” he said softly. “We can’t have you hurting yourself.” Tsukishima stared at him.

It’s just a club.

Nodding dully, he didn’t even bother going back inside. 

It’s just a club.

Walking back to the clubroom, he changed. 

It’s just a club.

He walked back in silence.

—

Yamaguchi knew it got worse before it got better, but it was all consuming how badly he wished for Tsukki to let him in. To receive care, to jump outside of his head long enough to see what he was doing to himself. 

Ever since he was barred from volleyball, Tsukki had turned a cold shoulder to his parents and was in a perpetual bad mood. It took Yamaguchi being completely alone with him to soften him out, maybe get him to split an orange with him if he was lucky.

Tonight was not a lucky night. 

“I’m back to the weight the doctor wants me at,” he could hear Tsukki say to his parents down the hall. He didn’t mean to pry, but they weren’t exactly being quiet. 

“I think you should wait a little longer, Kei,” Tsukishima-san said, her voice full of concern in a way he knew Tsukki hated. “I want you to be stable, not just hitting a number and going. We want you to be healthy.”

“Exercise is healthy,” Tsukishima snapped. “I’m fine, let me continue. I already eat breakfast and dinner with you, I’ll eat lunch with Yamaguchi. You don’t have to worry.”

Yamaguchi sighed, listening to the two bicker back and forth. Truthfully, he would give anything to be back on the court with Tsukki, to see him at practice everyday and to get to walk back with him. But he also never wanted to see Tsukki that bad again. His solution? Support his boyfriend in whatever he decides. Which was , increasingly, a return to the sport, especially before the new season. 

“Yamaguchi,” Tsukki called to him, opening his door to come in, tailed by his anxious mother. “Tell her you’ll make sure I eat.”

Yamaguchi squeaked, standing up to face her. “I make sure that he’s eating, and that it…uh…stays down.”

“Yamaguchi-kun,” Tsukishima-san says, coming over to look him in the eyes. “You will tell me if he’s in trouble, if you even think something is even a little bit off.

Yamaguchi nodded, the weight of her expectations sinking in. Half of his heart soared at the responsibility. She trusts me with Tsukki! “I will. I promise.” 

He can hear Tsukki click his tongue, but he knows that this is something he should say outloud. Tsukishima-San seems to agree, as he can see her shoulders relax slightly. “Good. Thank you Yamaguchi, really. You’re such a good friend.” 

He smiles politely, equal parts trying to not cringe at the friendzone and laugh at the way Tsukki rolls his eyes as he politely kicks his mom out. Ushering him to the bed, Yamaguchi sits next to him, resting his head on Tsukki’s shoulder as he gives him a moment of silence. 

He’ll talk when he’s ready, but for now he just hopes that staying by his side is enough. 

—

It is a constant up and down, a fight to keep himself from the relapse he desperately craves. Tsukishima knows that the three weeks he’s had out isn’t enough time to override years worth of thoughts and habits, but he wants it to be. 

He wants his parents to stop watching him every time he goes to the bathroom. He wants Akiteru to stop texting him asking if he’s eaten. He wants Coach Ukai and Takeda to stop checking in on him, Daichi and Suga to stop forcing him to take water and snack breaks, Tanaka to stop bringing “extra” protein bars and everyone’s eyes on him when they eat group meals. 

 He wants to fast forward a year to when everyone forgets what happened to him. And yet now, laying down with Tadashi, it all seems a little lighter. 

You’re the only one I’m okay with watching me, he thinks, staring at the ceiling as he feels the other’s chest rise and fall. “I love you, Tadashi,” he whispers, kissing him lightly on the forehead.

“I love you too,” Tadashi murmurs, scooching closer to Tsukishima. 

“I’m sorry for putting you through this.”

“No, Tsukki, it’s okay,” Tadashi reprimands, voice brightening in a way that he does when he’s trying to feign sleep away. “I want to.”

“Still. It’s all a lot. I put you through a lot.”

“It’s worth it for you,” Tadashi tried to reassure, squeezing him tighter. He peppers his neck in light kisses before nuzzling in closer. “I promise.”

“Stupid,” Tsukishima whispers, turning his head into Tadashi’s hair. He closes his eyes, letting the feeling of his partner cradle him. “I love you.”

“Love you too, Kei,” Tadashi whispers, falling asleep not long after. Tsukishima is soon to follow, letting all of his stress float away into the night. 

His desires were a fight to decipher right from wrong, but he knew in his heart that this, loving Tadashi, was the best thing he could’ve ever done.