Chapter Text
What a *bitch*.
Donna Paulsen closed the door behind her and let the emotions she had carefully masked moments earlier take over.
And to think she once respected this woman. Liked her, even.
No one had ever come between her and Harvey in all the years they had known each other. Their lives were intertwined in a way they probably didn’t have the right to be for two people who still call each other friends. They had dated others but always ended up orbiting each other, apart but together. A stable binary system that didn’t leave room for much else.
Until her. Until Paula.
The woman that in one fell swoop had taken the two most important things in her life: her relationship with Harvey and her job. She could have lived with Paula being Harvey’s significant other… for a while. This was Harvey, after all. Sooner or later he was going to screw it up, right? It was the house specialty. But being pushed out of the job she loved and deserved, the position she had worked so hard for years to attain? Hell no.
Donna felt her anger rise from the pit of her stomach all the way up to her throat and barely repressed the urge to scream. She had run out of cards to play, now that her plan to beg Paula Agard to let her keep her job had backfired spectacularly. Worse yet, she was dangerously angry at Harvey. Not out of frustration at his inability to express his feelings - it was that he was finally expressing them, and not in a way that she appreciated.
He was of course free to love whoever he chose. Donna knew that Harvey loved her in his own way, that he cared deeply for her. That if anyone else had dared to kiss him like that, there would have been hell to pay. But he was a gambler, always had been, and if he had decided to place all his chips on Paula, her best move was to cut her losses and call it a game.
She would resign, to preserve her own dignity and spare Harvey from having to fire her.
By the time she got back to her office, the letter of resignation was already written in her head and all she had to do was type it. I wish I could stay… but your girlfriend wanted me gone. I didn’t prove myself worthy as your friend, I know you’ll pick up on the meaning of that word, worthy. And one time… one time, in almost fourteen years, I put myself first. Therefore, it is time for me to go. It sounded crisp and professional, therefore.
Goodbye, Harvey.
She printed the letter, signed it, and left it on Harvey’s desk.
No turning back now. She stood for a moment looking at the piece of paper, half expecting to get cold feet and crumbling it before Harvey had a chance to see it. Fully expecting to break down and cry, and yet she was eerily calm. There was no one else in the office, it was late and with any luck Harvey wouldn’t notice she was gone until the morning.
The numbness she felt would pass and sooner or later the enormity of what she was about to do was going to sink in, but it was necessary. She had to leave Harvey behind.
She had to leave.
She picked up a few things from her desk and left everything else behind, but as she was ready to leave, she remembered something. She opened the top drawer and retrieved the beloved can opener, and the tears finally welled up in her eyes. Should she take it with her as a souvenir? Or should she leave it on Harvey’s desk - a message, a reproach, like he had done when she moved to Louis’s desk?
She glanced one more time at the building where she had spent the better part of her waking hours for the last decade, and refused to look back.
It was going to take time to get used to the idea that she was no longer associated with Harvey Specter. That she would not see Rachel, Mike and Louis every day any more. She would wake up in the morning and not have anything to do, anywhere to be.
But that was a tomorrow problem - tonight she was going to get a long shower, order her favorite takeout, open a nice bottle of wine and watch a dumb movie in the company of Chunky Monkey.
Donna was more than a little drunk when she heard a loud rapping on her door several hours later and seriously considered ignoring it. She knew who it was. The rapping became louder and more desperate so she relented and opened the door.
“Harvey, what are you doing here?”
Harvey looked slightly disheveled, as if he’d been running.
“I came to give you this,” he pulled her resignation letter from his pocket and ripped it in half.
“Are you sure?”
“I am.”
Now, Donna.
“I can’t go back, Harvey,” she said, and the words sounded unreal to herself.
“What?”
“I came back to you twice, but I won’t this time.” She took the torn letter. “I’ll email you another copy in the morning.”
Harvey’s expression changed and she sensed a hint of shock and panic.
“Is this about Paula? Because I can talk to her and -”
The mention of that woman’s name was enough to make her lose her composure. She took a deep breath.
“You can’t have it both ways, Harvey. Not anymore.”
“You asked me to fight for you. Well, I’m fighting for you. We need you. I need you. Paula will understand.”
“No, she won’t.”
“You don’t know that.”
“I do, actually. I went to talk to her myself, woman to woman. Professional to professional. She made it very clear that she doesn’t want me in your life.”
“Donna, I’ll fix this,” he insisted, an edge of despair in his voice. “Or did you lose your faith in me?”
And now she was pissed. “You know what, Harvey? Maybe I did. You could have convinced Paula before going to Stu Buzzini behind my back.”
“You put me in this position in the first place!”
“And I accept the consequences of my actions. Now you have to accept the consequences of yours.”
Harvey opened his mouth but no sound came out, a devastated look in his eyes.
She was in love with this man, had been for years. And the way he was looking at her now left no doubt that he loved her too. That he needed her. Harvey abhorred change and the prospect of going to the office in the morning and not finding her there was freaking him out.
“Donna…” he almost pleaded.
“I want you to be happy, Harvey. This is your first serious relationship in a long time, with someone who seems to know you better than I do. I want you to have that.”
A flicker of understanding crossed Harvey’s eyes, the meaning behind Donna’s words.
“I don’t want to let you go.”
“You had to let Jessica go so you could become managing partner. Now it’s my turn to leave.”
With that, Donna retreated back into her apartment and closed the door, leaving Harvey frozen in place just like she had when she kissed him in her office.
Numb and light-headed, Donna went back to the living room to turn off the TV and put the leftover ice cream back in the freezer, went through her skin-care routine on autopilot and then curled up under the comforter on her bed. She was about to set up the alarm when it hit her that she had nowhere to be in the morning, and that thought triggered the sobs she had somehow been holding the entire evening.
The thought of not having Harvey in her life any more felt as if she’d lost an arm or a leg, something so integral to her person that she might never be whole again.
But it was necessary, she kept telling herself. Or we’ll end up destroying each other.
After a fitful night of bad dreams and restlessness, Donna slept well past her usual wake-up time.
Disoriented at not having anything to do, nowhere to be anytime soon, Donna stayed in her pajamas drinking coffee and reading a trashy novel.
She tried to tell herself it was a nice break, but all she could think was the mess she had left behind at the firm that other people would have to pick up. The things that only she knew, that would take anyone else a long time to figure out.
It’s not your problem anymore. It’s Harvey’s. This was his decision.
Harvey could have done any of the other 145 things he often bragged he could do when a gun was pointed at his head instead of surrendering to his girlfriend’s ultimatum.
And it wasn’t even the first or the third time that he said or did something stupid, pushed her away and then begged her to come back because he needed her.
But it would be the last.
Donna glanced at her phone. It was well past 9 am, by then Harvey must have come to terms with the fact that she hadn’t changed her mind overnight. Sure enough, there was a missed call from him at 8:45 and a voice message she promptly deleted without listening to it.
She called Rachel. Then she called Louis. Saying out loud that she had left the firm made it real and irrevocable. She emailed Harvey a digital copy of her resignation letter from her personal email account and copied the HR department.
There was no going back this time.
After back-to-back yoga classes followed by a nice lunch in a new, trendy French restaurant, a thought materialized fully fledged in her mind.
Paris.
Of course, she would go to Paris. She deserved it - and leaving the city was precisely what she needed. To get away, enjoy life, clear her head and then decide her next move. Donna pulled up her phone and ten minutes later she had two plane tickets booked.
She would have no problem convincing her mother to go with her on their long awaited dream vacation.
Now it’s my turn to leave.
Not good night, not see you tomorrow.
Donna is leaving. Donna left. Left him.
The lawyer in him wanted to argue, but his mind, usually sharp as a tack, was having a hard time processing what was happening.
After almost fourteen years of friendship, of partnership, of… of…
Don’t say it. Don’t fucking say it
Donna Paulsen was walking out of his life. Leaving him.
He couldn’t bring himself to say goodbye. To say anything at all. If he opened his mouth again he would end up doing something stupid.
A second later, the door was closed.
Harvey got out of Donna’s building and into the night, the cold air doing precious little to quench the sudden pain in the pit of his stomach.
What the hell just happened?
He refused to accept that Donna could just quit, remove herself from his life.
He waited several minutes for a cab, the anxiety creeping up, until one finally showed up.
“Where to?” the driver asked. This time it was Paula’s address that came out of his mouth, and the second it did, he knew it was a mistake. A mistake that would be rectified at some point, but tonight he simply didn’t want to be alone.
“Harvey!” Paula greeted him, clearly pleased to see him. “I didn’t know you were coming over.”
“I didn’t know I was either, but I got in a cab and ended up here.”
He sounded lost and upset, Paula got a clue. “You let Donna go.”
“She left her letter of resignation on my desk,” he said, conveniently omitting what had just happened at Donna’s.
“I am sorry, Harvey,” Paula was sincere, despite having gotten exactly what she wanted. Because for a brief moment, the man sitting on her couch looked less than the man she was dating and more like the former patient who first came to her devastated after losing the very same person she’d just pushed out of his life. A chill ran down her spine.
Paula sat next to him and threw her arms around his neck. “Thank you,” she whispered softly. It felt wrong, but Harvey craved the comfort, so he let her hug him, closing his eyes and swallowing the sob that threatened to break past his throat. So instead he started kissing her fiercely, a gesture Paula interpreted as romantic but in Harvey’s mind was anything but.
She responded in kind, seduced and excited by Harvey’s urgency. He was usually gentle and generous in bed, but that night he was rougher, more urgent, and didn’t wait for her to get there too. Frustrated but unwilling to discuss it, Paula let him be. After all, he’d just made a huge sacrifice for her.
Lying on his side facing away from her, Harvey feigned sleep. He felt dirty, disgusted with himself. If Donna’s kiss had turned him into a cheater, what he had done to Paula was even worse: he used her the way he could have used any random woman he picked up in a bar. He liked Paula – she was smart, kind, beautiful… But he didn’t love her, and he never would. The realization almost made him nauseous, all he could think of was Donna closing her door on his face. And yet, he didn’t have the balls to just get up and leave, sleeping next to Paula was his penance; a punishment made worse by her scooting against him and throwing her arm around his waist. He barely managed not to squirm. Paula was – or pretended to be – oblivious to his discomfort, Harvey resigned himself to a long night of little, if any, sleep.
The first light of the morning brought relief and he jumped out of her bed. He didn’t bother with a shower, instead getting dressed quickly.
“Hey,” Paula smiled at him warmly, which only increased his guilt and desire to leave. “You’re up early.”
“Hey,” he forced himself to smile back. “Sorry I woke you up, I need to go home and change before heading to the office.”
“Dinner tonight?” she said with a sleepy voice.
“Maybe,” he replied, again forcing a smile. “I gotta go. Talk to you later.”
No kiss, no ‘have a nice day’, Harvey let out the breath he was holding once he was on the other side of her door. His relief was short-lived as he realized that he would have to communicate to the entire firm that their beloved COO had resigned – and everyone would know whose fault it was.
Harvey arrived a little after 8 AM, carrying a coffee, a bagel and Advil. He walked past Donna’s office, part of him hoping she’d changed her mind overnight and was back at her desk. All her things were still there. She was not.
He wasn’t surprised to see Mike waiting for him in his office; Donna must have called Rachel to let her know she had resigned. “I don’t want to talk about it,” he grunted.
“I figured you wouldn’t,” Mike said. To his credit, the young man always knew when not to push him. Rachel was genuinely upset after talking to Donna and put the blame squarely on Harvey for being a consummate idiot and not seeing what was right in front of his face. Mike couldn’t argue with that, but he felt guilty. He had encouraged Donna to confront her feelings for Harvey, he had inadvertently created this mess. “Are you okay?”
“No.”
“Anything you need me to do?”
This time Harvey merely shook his head, a dour expression on his face. The last time Mike saw Harvey this upset he had a panic attack right in front of him. Harvey turned around and stood next to the window of his office, taking in the light of the morning and drinking his coffee in silence.
Mike left quietly only to almost collide with Louis, who headed towards Harvey’s office like an enraged bull.
“Get out of my way, Mike,” he warned.
“Louis, don’t,” Mike pleaded.
Undeterred, Louis got past him and barged into Harvey’s desk.
“What the hell did you do?” he shouted, his face red with anger.
“Not now, Louis,” Harvey sighed in a low, tired voice.
“You selfish, entitled son of a bitch, how could you do this to Donna?! To all of us!”
Harvey was expecting Louis’ rant, but it still hurt. Any other time he would have lashed out, yelled back at him, but this was his goddamn fault and he deserved Louis’s anger.
“I need to know what happened, Harvey,” he said in a somewhat calmer voice. The fact that Harvey looked visibly shaken - a rare sight - and hadn’t snapped back at him threw him off a little.
“You know what happened.”
“No, I don’t. Donna called me last night to tell me she resigned and to say goodbye. When I asked why, she said to ask you.”
Harvey winced. “I will tell you, Louis, but not today. I’m asking as a friend, please, not today.”
For all his quirks and weird obsessions, Louis Litt was a sensitive soul and Harvey was not even trying to hide the turmoil going on inside him. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you this upset. Not even when Mike went to prison,” Louis observed.
“This is different,” Harvey mused.
“Fine. I’ll let it go for now. But you’re not off the hook.”
“Thank you, Louis.”
In the next few days at Specter Litt, it was a well-established fact that the managing partner was best avoided. Harvey Specter was in a foul mood and the only person who could safely get in and out of his office without getting an earful was Mike - and Louis to a certain extent. Rachel actively avoided him, and had not spoken to him since Donna left. If Harvey hoped that Donna would stop by to pick up her stuff, he was disappointed – Rachel cleaned up her office and took all her personal items home. Except for one: Harvey found the can opener in his drawer, a blatant accusation mirroring the time he had put the once cherished object to Donna’s drawer when she moved to Louis’s desk.
That day, it finally hit Harvey that Donna was not coming back.
She hadn’t returned his calls or emails. He had gone to her place once more, but no one opened the door. He didn’t know if she was out or simply chose to ignore him.
And everything changed.
Rachel put away the dinner dishes while Mike put on his jacket. “Where are you going?”
“I’m meeting Harvey for a couple of drinks. I won’t stay too late, don’t worry.”
“Again? That’s twice this week,” Rachel protested, without bothering to hide her displeasure.
“He’s not doing well, Rachel.”
“Well, it’s his fault we’re in this mess. He’s acting like an asshole. The only person he talks to is you,” she complained. “I wish Jessica were here.”
“I know you’re upset about losing Donna, and so am I. But it takes two to tango.” He gave her a kiss before heading out.
The bar was dark and half empty. Harvey sipped his scotch quietly, barely making the effort to keep the conversation going. Mike suspected he just wanted company so he wouldn’t have to drink alone. Hanging out with Harvey used to be fun, but now it felt like a funeral.
“How is it going with Paula?” he probed. Not because he cared much about Harvey’s girlfriend, he just wanted to get Harvey to talk.
“We’re good,” Harvey replied without a hint of enthusiasm.
In a way, they were good. Delighted to finally have Harvey all to herself, Paula was an attentive girlfriend, constantly going out of her way to please him. Objectively, Harvey had absolutely nothing to complain about; except for the cruel irony that his former therapist, who used to know him so well, seemed blissfully unaware that their relationship was mostly one-sided. Harvey played the part: dinner in fancy restaurants, rides in sports cars and regular sex. He rarely ever argued and let Paula decide on most of the things they did together with a fake smile that Donna would have seen through from a mile away. How was this different from cheating, he often asked himself. He was letting Paula fall in love with him, knowing that he would never reciprocate, using her as a distraction, a fill-in for the sadness and emptiness that threatened to swallow him whole.
“I’ve seen convicts more excited about going to jail than you are about this relationship,” Mike jabbed.
“It’s not her fault.”
“No, it’s not.”
“Mike, please. Don’t,” he pleaded.
Mike exhaled and let it go, aware that pushing him was pointless.
“Fine. But I’ll say something else that you’re not going to like.”
“What now?”
“You need to take time off, at least a couple of weeks.”
That caught his attention. Harvey sat up straight and put his glass down. “No way. I can’t leave right now, we’re in the middle of…”
“Harvey. Listen to me. I’m telling you this because no one else dares, not even Louis, but you’re my friend and I’ve always respected that you tell it like it is,” Mike said firmly. “You’ve been distracted and biting heads off since Donna left, we can’t keep going like this.”
Harvey winced when Mike said Donna’s name. He tended to do that every time someone mentioned the former COO, to the point people avoided it. Mike was the only one who got away with it.
“I thought you had my back,” Harvey snapped, feeling betrayed by the one person he thought he could trust.
“This is me having your back. Everyone is complaining about your behavior and Louis won’t be able to protect you if you keep lashing out at him too.”
Harvey’s voice quickly changed from belligerent to pleading. “Don’t do this, Mike. If I can’t work, I’ll go fucking crazy.”
“You need to deal with whatever is going on with you; and working 80-hour weeks is not the way.”
“I’m not going to be pushed out of my own goddamn firm!”
Mike sighed patiently, he knew Harvey was not really mad at him. “All I’m saying is take some time off.”
“What the hell am I supposed to do for two weeks?”
“Enjoy yourself, maybe? Go to Vegas and strip some schmuck off their money? Drive down the Pacific Coast Highway in a fancy car?”
Harvey gave him a scowl.
“Or you can go to Boston and be with your family. Either way, you need a break.”
“That’s not what I need,” he sulked, and Mike didn’t need him to elaborate.
“Please don’t put me in this position, Harvey. I’m here for you but I already told you that Rachel and I will not pass messages between you and Donna.”
“I would gladly speak to her myself if she answered my calls!”
Frustrated, Mike sat back and exhaled loudly.
“Donna is out of the country, okay? No, I don’t know where she went or when she’s coming back or if she’ll take your calls when she does. Harvey, I know that for years it was my job to solve problems for you, but I can’t help you with this one.” Mike immediately regretted the harsh words seeing the effect they had on Harvey, but someone had to talk sense into him; and with Donna gone, that job had fallen on him.
Harvey swallowed hard, his eyes glistening under the soft lights of the bar. He picked up the tab and got out to leave.
Out in the street, before parting ways, Harvey caught Mike off-guard by pulling him into a hug. It wasn’t the first time he did that, but Mike sensed something different. Harvey stayed just a tad longer, the embrace was just a little tighter; and it may have been just a few seconds, but to Mike it was an eternity that said a lot about his friend’s state of mind.
Harvey went straight home, to the deafening silence of his condo. He turned on the fireplace, put on a record and poured himself more scotch, even though he knew he shouldn’t. He had a drink earlier in the office, then more with Mike, and now again… But there was no amount of alcohol that was going to make him feel better. Instead, he sprawled on his couch, his mind constantly replaying what happened since Donna kissed him and he didn’t stop her.
Because that was the crux of this whole mess. Donna kissed him and he didn’t stop her.
He could have. He should have. But he didn’t.
I’m sorry, Harvey. I just had to know.
And then he allowed the trauma he carried his entire life to take over, making a royal mess of everything. He pushed Donna away to assuage his guilt over his perceived disloyalty to Paula, only to realize that it was the other way around all along. It was Donna, not Paula, who deserved his loyalty. That miscalculation cost him everything, he lost arguably the most important person in his life. And if he didn’t pull his shit together, he might also lose his firm.
It was ironic that if he weren’t dating Paula, he’d be knocking on her door this late at night so he could vent to her as his psychiatrist. But as much as he admitted that he needed help, Harvey couldn’t bear the thought of starting over with a new therapist. Just thinking of having to go again through the whole story with Donna and the issues with his parents again made him sick.
And that is why dating your therapist was a bad idea in the first place.
Paula had left several messages on his phone, but he was in a funk and not at all in the mood to deal with a girlfriend that seemed to be in a different time zone emotionally speaking. She seemed happy. How could she possibly not realize what a mess he was? This was the same woman who’d call him out every time he lied in therapy, who forced him to confront the root of his issues. Who seemed to have completely forgotten why in the hell he’d gone to her in the first place.
Adding Paula’s name to the list of fucked-up relationships was inevitable, but he couldn’t come to terms with the fact that Donna was now also part of that list, even though they were never officially together. All these years of careful dancing around each other, of flirting, of never daring to cross the line for fear of… this. And boy was he right to be afraid. This was the most time he’d spent away from her since they first met and the way he missed her told him everything he needed to know.
The way he thought of her when he put vanilla in his coffee, when he poured himself a drink late at night in the office. The times he turned around in the street every time he saw a redhead. That goddamn cactus she had given him. And Mike was right, he was becoming a complete asshole in the office without Donna to rein him in, to make him stop and think.
I don’t want to find out what kind of lawyer I’d be without you
More like what kind of man.
Come to think of it, maybe getting his ass out of New York City for a while wasn’t a bad idea.