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She stared up blankly at the ceiling, guilt burning in her chest as much as her arm was. What would Monika think of her if she found out? She would despise her, find her disgusting ofcourse. Who would want to be friends with someone like her, someone who got attached that fast? It meant nothing to the other, she was aware, yet she couldn't help but spend all her moments of nothing to occupy her mind with thoughts of the girl. She did it again, to the thought of her. It wasn't the first time, why hadn't she learnt her lesson the first time?
She shut her eyes tightly trying to think of anything but what she had just did. She mumbled about needing to clean herself but made no movement. The only action she made next was when her phone made a sound beside her. It was her. Why'd she need to come over today? To mess with her again probably. She hates her, yet craves her presence. It's tiring and a terrible loop.
"Natsuki's spending alot of time with him recently and it seems that Sayori started distancing herself from both of them. So, I was trying to-"
"Monika." She interrupted her, getting only a questioning hum in response. "You could've called me about this... Why are you actually here?.."
"I wanted to see you, you weren't there at school all week. I was concerned." It's pathetic, she thought. Concerned had to be a mockery. If she was then she shouldn't have come.
"... I'm going to bring some tea." She spoke quickly before rushing out the room. Monika looked around the room, trying to figure if something had happened before she came over. Her eyes finally landed on a slightly left open cabinet, she knew what was inside. She waited for her return and stood up as Yuri entered the room. "Am I doing something wrong?" She inquired the purple haired girl as she helped her put down the cups.
"No?.. I'm sorry.." There she went again with apologizing to her for a mild reason. It was pointed out by her before but she still couldn't help it.
"It's as if you want me gone." She subtly moved closer before carefully wrapping her fingers around the other girl's wrist.
"I don't," She paused before whispering out "Do you actually like me or are you just doing this for... amusement?"
Now, obviously she'd never say what she actually felt. So to avoid the question she leaned in to kiss her. Usually Yuri would immediately let her to do anything, she always did so. But she moved away, her voice somehow even quieter. "Do you like me or not?" Monika paused before speaking. "I like you, is that what you want to hear? I won't lie though, do you want to hear what I actually think?"
She tugged her hand away and stepped to the side. "I don't know..." This felt cruel even though she knew she was nothing. She already knew that no one truly like her, and definitely not like her despite knowing the things Monika does. How could someone as amazing her ever actually take her seriously? Yet is she really so amazing if she's this way? What ever is she thinking, ofcourse she's better than Yuri.
"...you can do what you... came for... I'm sorry..." She did regret the words after it was already said but it wouldn't be a lie that she still did want her touch. Anything she could get of her.
"There it is." She smiled sweetly at her, although her gaze was anything but as she took hold of her again and pressed her mouth on hers.
Her small pleas of being careful went unheard as she was sat on the edge of her bed. She still remembers the first time she had felt these fingers upon her skin. It was careful, full of promise for nothing but worship. She remembers the way her lips would trail on her cuts and leave light kisses on the fresh ones. She didn't process when the girl infront unclothed her, not even when she bit down on her thigh. She simply stared down at her face, pretending she was different. Pretending like the first time was the only, and that it was right now. She thought about how she had kissed her while her fingers had brought out the kind of sounds she thought she would never make infront of anyone but herself. It didn't matter if the latter half was happening in the moment, it wasn't the same. She couldn't act like she was loved if she made sense of the expression of the one between her legs. It was one of mere interest and saccharine sweetness. She refused to think about that as the other's name repeated from her in fast breaths. She refused to think about any of it except the fact that Monika was there. Monika was there. Just Monika.
Was she really that gone that she hadn't felt it when she had apparently tore open a fresh cut on her arm with her nails? Maybe so as she had to hear the soft voice of her... no, not lover. Soft voice of her friend, as she bandaged her wrist.
"I'll leave now, am I seeing you on Monday?" She took a moment to process to words before nodding, not taking her eyes off her lap.
She knows that this will happen again.
She doesn't remember anything that happened.
She got up and threw out the cold tea.