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Were there no nice men in Montreal?
It had been years since Ilya heard David utter those words in the Hollander’s cottage– three years, to be precise. And yet, here they were, rattling around in Ilya’s head once again because he could never seem to shake them, no matter how hard he tried. It didn’t help that Hayden fucking Pike shared a similar sentiment– nor did it help that Ilya knew JJ Boiziau was trying to set Shane up with ‘nice men for my nice capitaine’. He knew Shane pushed back against these things– Shane had defended Ilya to his parents, to Hayden, had told Boiziau that he wasn’t interested in ‘nice men’ that JJ knew. Shane reminded Ilya all the time that he was a nice man– that he made Shane happy.
That didn’t mean Ilya always believed it.
“I’m just saying, if you wanted to try sleeping with other people–”
“And I’m just saying what the fuck are you talking about?” Shane snapped, looking angry and– much to Ilya’s dismay– hurt. “What about me saying how cute it was that we got to grow into adulthood together made you think I wanted to sleep with other people?”
The conversation had run fully off the rails from the moment Ilya brought the topic up, and yet he couldn’t seem to stop himself from continuing it. He knew that Shane hadn’t been with anyone else, knew that while Ilya had experimented and slept with countless people over the years, Shane had only ever been with him and Rose Landry– And from what Shane had told him, he’d had a very hard time getting and keeping it up for Rose. So, really, Ilya was the only sexual partner Shane had had. Shane had had a girlfriend prior to everything that had happened with their lives and careers, but Ilya knew he didn’t care all that much for her in hindsight. He had never gotten a chance to be with another man since figuring out he was gay– there was only ever Ilya.
Ilya usually liked this fact about Shane– about his relationship with Shane. But today his brain was running far too quickly, ideas flashing into his mind about holding Shane back and not being enough for the man he loved so much.
“I am only person you've ever been with,” Ilya said, desperately trying to keep his voice level; he knew if he cried, it would make Shane cry and then they would get nowhere. “You said it yourself, we have grown up together. I don't want to stop you from growing on your own.” Shane was still staring blankly at him, so Ilya tried a different approach. “Is like when I said I could marry Sveta–” A grumpy frown instantly replaced the blank look on Shane's face; despite being friends with Svetlana now, Ilya knew that Shane was still jealous over Ilya’s past comments about marrying Sveta. Usually he'd find this adorable, but now he was worried it proved the point he was trying to make. “Me and Sveta grew up together, know each other very well. Would be easy to marry her, like choosing first option on list. I don't want you to be with me because it is easy, because it is default.”
“I don't know what world you're living in where you're the easy option, Ilya,” Shane said, tone teasing until he saw Ilya's face crumpling. They had been laying across from each other on the couch– like they had been all those years ago when Ilya had originally brought up marrying Svetlana. Ilya had been hoping the physical distance– small as it was– would make the conversation easier, but it didn’t. Shane, seemingly sensing that, sat up and moved closer to Ilya, grabbing Ilya’s ankle and squeezing it gently. “I don't need easy, Ilya. I just need you. You're not the default–”
“But I am!” Ilya snapped. “I am all you have known. What if there is person out there who is just as good for you– better for you– and you don’t know because you've been with me the whole time? What if there is someone out there who you can be out with instead of holding yourself back?”
Ilya watched as Shane processed everything he said, seeing the disbelief on his fiancé's face give way to despair. “Ilya… I'm not closeted just because I'm with you. Did you really think that?” Ilya shrugged, turning away in hopes of hiding his tears. Shane crawled forward into Ilya’s lap and wrapped his arms around Ilya– so reminiscent of that All Star game that changed everything for them. “Has it ever occurred to you that you're the only person I've been with because you're the only person I want to be with?”
In all honesty, it hadn't. So many people had left Ilya, why should Shane– beautiful, golden boy Shane Hollander– be any different? His lack of response seemed to tell Shane all he needed to know; Shane pressed his lips gently to Ilya’s forehead before he pulled back, looking Ilya directly in the eyes. “We weren’t exclusive for the first nine years of our relationship, Ilya. I had plenty of opportunity to sleep with other people, but do you know why I didn’t?”
“Because you did not know you were gay?” Ilya tried to joke; his heart was far too heavy for it to land properly.
“Because they weren’t you,” Shane said, hands cupping Ilya’s face. “I knew enough to know that I liked men. I even thought about sleeping with some other men– on vacation, far away from anyone who knew or cared about Shane Hollander, Captain of the Montreal Metros. But every time someone would catch my eye, every time someone would try to get me to come home with them, I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t even kiss them, Ilya. Because even though I knew I could, I didn’t want to– even if I didn’t want to admit it, I knew the only person I wanted was you.
“You aren’t a default choice for me, Ilya. I’m not with you because you’re the only thing I know. You’re the only thing I know because you’re the only thing I want. I was miserable those times I wasn’t talking to you– I mean, you remember the fiasco that was me and Rose. Yes, I got a best friend out of it, but I was losing my mind the entire time, missing you.” Ilya couldn’t help but smile at that; they had long since apologized for everything during that time, but it still squeezed Ilya’s heart to know that Shane was missing him as much as he was missing Shane back then. “You are the most important thing in my world, Ilya. The thought of coming out is terrifying, but you make me want to be brave. If going to the press tomorrow and telling the world that I’m in love with you is what it takes for you to believe me, I’ll do it. Anything to prove to you that you’re all I want– all I need– I’ll do it. Because I love you, Ilya Rozanov. Not because it’s an easy choice, but because it’s the only choice.”
Shane’s thumb brushed over Ilya’s cheek, wiping away the tears that were starting to fall. He pulled Ilya close to his chest, letting Ilya cry into his shoulder like it was 2017 again. “You are only choice for me too, moya luybov,” Ilya managed to whisper out, voice scratchy from the weight of his emotions. “All I want is for you to be happy–”
“You make me happy, Ilya,” Shane interjected. “I don’t need anyone else, just you.”
“I believe you,” Ilya said, almost surprised to find that it was true– he believed Shane, even if his mind didn’t want him to. In his heart– in the space that Shane had carved out for himself back in 2008 when he held out his hand to Ilya for the first time– Ilya knew that Shane was telling the truth. “Is hard to believe, sometimes. But I believe you.”
Lips– warm and soft and wonderful– pressed against Ilya’s. It wasn’t full of passion and need like their first kisses had been– no, this kiss was soft and charged with love rather than desire. It was a promise, one that Ilya knew Shane would keep. “I’ll remind you as many times as you need, Ilya,” Shane said softly before pressing their lips together again. “I love you. So much.”
“I love you too, solnyshko,” Ilya whispered back. “Thank you. For reminding me– for being here when my brain becomes too much.”
“You do the same for me,” Shane said before easing Ilya onto his back and laying on top of him, cuddling into his chest. “So I’ll do the same for you. That’s what husbands are for, right?”
“We’re not husbands yet, though,” Ilya teased, running a hand through Shane’s hair. Shane just kissed the spot right over Ilya’s heart, putting an immediate end to the joking argument Ilya was about to start. “Soon, though.”
Even if they weren’t married yet, Ilya knew Shane was entirely his. Just as he was entirely Shane’s. Ilya’s racing thoughts finally came to a halt, the weight of Shane laying on him and the reassurances he gave settling every last one of Ilya’s nerves. Perhaps there were nice men in Montreal– but that no longer mattered to Ilya. What mattered was having the nicest man currently in Ottawa drifting off to sleep on his chest.
And soon, that same man would be his husband.