Chapter Text
Jisung feels like their newfound freedom is already a dream come true. With the new contract negotiations, they’ve all been given more leeway. No more separation of him and Minho in official content to keep up appearances. No more having to replace every “damn” with dang in their tracks. They’re allowed to go out, allowed to (privately) date. They were even promised that they could live together when they move dorms in a couple of months, just the two of them. While their romantic relationship is still a well kept secret between the members of the group, their closest staff members, and the management team, they agreed to stop censoring every little thing between the two of them.
When they first got caught (making out in a dressing room, whoops), Jisung had been terrified. They could have been kicked out of the group or put on hiatus, but the company couldn’t punish them without giving a reason why and the last thing they wanted was for the public to know that Jisung and Minho were dating.
They were rookies then, on the cusp of success, but not yet recognized. Things are different now. They’re the biggest group at the company and they have a lot more power at the negotiating table. The members all had their backs when it came to asking for more autonomy and while there won’t be any rainbow flags or public kisses, they won’t be scolded by the staff each time they sit too close. They’re free to do more creative projects as a unit, free to live with one another in the near future, free to be themselves so long as they’re out of the public eye.
Jisung is happy. He’s over the moon. Now, even during official content, instead of maintaining awkward distance, Jisung leans into Minho’s side, hugs him extra tight and for a few extra seconds.
They’re on a much needed break after recent promotions, so Jisung is getting to partake in his favorite activity — snuggling up to Minho in the world’s dorkiest marching pajamas (a precious Valentine’s Day gift) after fucking like animals in the empty dorm. Minho had given Felix his credit card and asked him to get Seungmin and Jeongin out for at least two hours, allowing them to have sex without their hands over each other’s mouths. Their pajamas have little cats on them, there’s a movie playing on the TV in Minho’s room, and his fingers are playing lazily with Jisung’s hair. He heard the guys come home a few minutes ago, but he doesn’t mind if there’s company now. He got to cry out Minho’s name to his heart’s content for the first time in months.
“I think this is my happy place,” Jisung mumbles sleepily, his head pillowed on Minho’s chest while he half watches the movie.
“Yeah?” Minho chuckles. “My bed?”
“And resting on your tits.” Jisung turns to press a lazy kiss to the side of Minho’s neck. They showered together, so Minho smells fresh and like the girly berry scented body wash Felix got him. It makes Jisung want to eat him up.
“You do sleep here more than your own room.”
“Hey.” Jisung pouts and Minho boops the tip of his nose. “You like when I sleep over.”
“Oh yeah, I love your snoring, bug.”
“And I love your sleep talking.”
Minho rolls his eyes and dips his head to give Jisung a proper kiss, lingering just because he can. Jisung melts right into him, nibbling on Minho’s lower lip and nuzzling their noses together when he pulls back. “I do like when you sleep over,” Minho says, pecking Jisung’s lips one more time. “Your snoring’s kind of cute.”
“Mm, you love me.”
“I do,” Minho sighs.
“Everything feels so much easier now.” Jisung settles back into Minho’s chest, one arm slung over his hips and one leg hiked up over his thigh. He clings to Minho like a koala when they cuddle, but Minho never complains. They both like the closeness. “All our hotel rooms will be together when we tour this time.”
“It’s been really nice.” Minho slides a hand up the back of Jisung’s pajama top, resting his palm over the small of his back just to feel him skin to skin. “I mean it’s not much, but it’s a lot better than before.”
“Not much?” Jisung laughs. “They’re gonna let us bone in hotels all around the world.”
“It wasn’t really a big ask for them to pair us up for rooms and not yell at us every time I try to hold your hand,” Minho mutters, stroking Jisung’s back absentmindedly. “I mean, bare minimum.”
“Yeah, but it’s still nice. I missed sleeping with you on tour.”
“Me too, I just wish we could be more honest.” Minho kisses the top of his head, nuzzling his nose into Jisung’s hair. “I think maybe we should start telling people.”
Jisung goes tense. “Like who?” He lets out a nervous laugh. “Our friends all know.”
“Well, you know, like… Everyone?”
“Yeah, right.” Jisung rolls his eyes, relieved Minho is only joking. He has so much anxiety as it is. Coming out to the whole world, putting the entire group in a scandal, risking their whole career — it rightfully terrifies him. He hasn’t even told his parents yet that he’s gay. Plus, the company will never let them and if they go rogue and do it on their own, who knows what management would do.
“Why not?” Minho shrugs, his hand stilling on Jisung’s back.
“Hyung, you’re not serious.”
“Maybe I am.”
“Jagi.” Jisung sits up and looks at him, but Minho stares right back, his expression aloof, but not teasing. “You know why we can’t.”
Minho takes a deep breath, looking down and picking idly at a loose thread on his pajama shorts. “I’ve just been thinking.”
“About what? Hyung, we just got so much more freedom.”
“It’s not freedom, Sungie. I can’t take you on dates. I can’t kiss you outside of a closed room. I have to lie and talk about my ideal type in girls on every variety show and so do you.”
Jisung’s chest feels tight. Yeah, those things suck, but it’s not just because they’re gay. It’s part of being an idol. He’s well prepared to live like this for a long time if they have to — for the sake of the group especially. “You’re being crazy,” he says, swallowing hard and looking back at the TV screen in the hopes Minho will drop the subject, but he hears him scoff.
“It’s crazy to not want to live a complete lie every day?” Minho glares, his expression pinched and his eyes narrow with uncharacteristic aggravation. “It’s crazy to want to tell people that I love you?”
Jisung stops, his stomach twisting as he looks at Minho. Are they having a fight? They never fight. Minho never looks at him this way, with anger, even when they disagree sometimes or get on each other’s nerves. The unfamiliarity scares him. “I didn’t say that, I just meant… I-It’s not that easy.”
“I know it isn’t. I’ve thought a lot about this, I’m not just saying it on a whim.”
“You just sprung it on me!” Jisung exclaims, jumping on the defensive. “We’re having a date night and you just suggested we come out to the whole world.”
Minho rolls his eyes, but not in his usual playful way. He seems annoyed and suddenly, Jisung feels stupid and small. He wants to go back to just a minute ago, when his boyfriend was holding him, kissing him, telling him his snoring was cute. “I’m just trying to talk to you.”
“Hyung, my parents don’t even know about me yet,” Jisung says, fiddling anxiously with the hem of his shirt. “No one in my family does.”
“We could tell them first.”
“How can you say that so easily?” Jisung feels his voice waver, words struggling to push their way out around the lump aching in his throat. “Even if they were willing to accept me personally, it’ll bring a whole scandal on my family. My mom’s church, my dad’s business, my grandma.”
“I know it isn’t easy.” Minho crosses his arms, looking away from Jisung when he speaks. “I was scared shitless when I told my parents.”
“But your parents aren’t religious and they already suspected. My family has no idea. My mom still asks me about girls.”
“So we just hide forever?”
“I didn’t say that.” Jisung blinks his eyes hard, trying to drive back the stinging. Why is Minho so mad at him? Jisung isn’t saying they should never come out of the closet, he’s just scared — can’t Minho understand that? Usually, Minho gives him the benefit of the doubt when they talk. If Jisung says something he disagrees with, that rubs him the wrong way, Minho asks him about it, always assumes the best until he fully understands what Jisung wants to say. Now, it feels like the opposite — Minho interpreting his words in the harshest way possible, exaggerating what he knows he really means. It’s so unlike him, it catches Jisung off guard.
“Then how long?”
“I-I don’t know.”
“Tsch.” Minho shakes his head and Jisung bites his lip. “You really haven’t thought at all about us coming out? Never entertained the idea?”
“Of course I have, it’s just…” Jisung stops and presses his lips into a flat line. He doesn’t want to start crying. It’s so fucking embarrassing and even though they’ve never fought before, he should be able to handle a little push back from Minho without falling to pieces, shouldn’t he? “Th-The group and my family and the spotlight it would put on our private life… I don’t think I could handle that.”
Minho stays quiet, chewing his bottom lip.
“Jagi?” Jisung is fighting a losing battle against his tears. He doesn’t understand. Minho knows how Jisung feels about this already and now he’s angry with him about it? He’s always been honest about his feelings towards coming out. Jisung was in denial for so long, he didn’t even accept that he liked boys at all until he fell for Minho. It still feels new to him sometimes. He worries constantly about how he’ll eventually tell his family.
Minho doesn’t look at him when he speaks next. “I don’t want to live like this forever, Sung-ah.”
“Why are you talking to me like I’m the one putting us in this situation?” Jisung hiccups and curses himself under his breath, hastily wiping his eyes. “I didn’t make society homophobic. I didn’t make the fucking world.”
“Because how is anything supposed to ever change if everyone like us lives their whole life in the closet?” Minho throws his hands up, exasperated. “Things are changing.”
“They could kick us out of the group.”
“The guys would never let them do that to us and Stray Kids is the biggest money maker this company has,” Minho huffs like Jisung is a naive child for fearing the very tangible possibility that announcing their relationship could end both of their careers and that of their friends. The company won’t even let them say fuck, won’t let Jisung show tattoos everyone already knows he has. It doesn’t matter how successful they are — being queer is too controversial. “And you’re acting like I’m the bad guy just because I’m tired of being ashamed of who we are.”
“Well you’re being fucking mean to me about it!” Jisung’s voice cracks and he hugs himself, shutting his mouth before he can burst into tears, but he’s already crying. His eyes are welling up no matter how hard he blinks and his chest is trembling with the effort of holding it in. It’s the company that makes them hide their relationship. It’s their society that tells them their love is wrong. Why is Minho acting like Jisung made the rules? He didn’t. He didn’t sign up for any of this.
“I’m being mean?” This time Minho raises his voice. It’s just by a little bit, not quite yelling, but it’s directed right at Jisung and his tone is so cutting compared to his usual gentle timbre, it pierces right through his heart. “It’s mean of me to want to tell people that I love you? It’s mean that I don’t want us to live a complete fucking lie every time we step out in public?”
“Stop, please,” Jisung croaks, hiccuping as tears start to roll down his cheeks. Minho has never spoken to him like this before. He’s never raised his voice or cursed at him or even glared at him this way. He doesn’t know what to do, how to make the fighting stop. What if Minho wants him to leave? He’s in his pajamas — he would need to change before walking back to his own dorm. He can’t just storm out. Fuck, they were supposed to spend the night together. Jisung has been looking forward to it for days, being able to fall asleep in his boyfriend’s bed, share some precious time alone. Now he just wants to disappear. Minho doesn’t want him here.
“Yeah Jisung, I’m so fucking mean that I want us to be together,” Minho carries on. “I’m so mean that I want us to be able to get married one day like any other couple. I’m so mean for that.” Minho shakes his head and climbs out of bed.
“Where are you going?” Jisung sniffles. “Hyungie, wait, please, I-I’m just…” He doesn’t know what to say. This is so unlike Minho, to talk to him so callously, mocking him with sarcasm, and it hurts so much more coming from him than it would anyone else. This is Jisung’s safe place, alone with the person he loves and trusts most in the world, but it feels like he can’t do anything right. He keeps saying the wrong thing and making everything worse.
“The gym, I don’t know,” Minho mumbles to himself as he pulls open the top drawer of his dresser.
“But it’s our night together. I-It’s your room.” Jisung pauses the movie, ashamed of how weak and pathetic his voice sounds, but he’s starting to panic. Minho is walking out on him.
“I just don’t want to keep talking right now.” Minho pulls his cat pajama shirt over the top of his head and puts a black tank top on instead, the kind he wears to work out.
“Stop, stop. Please?” Jisung pleads, scrambling out of bed and running up to him. He feels stupid and pathetic, like a little kid as he reaches out for Minho then retracts his hand, embarrassed as he pleads. “Don’t go, please, please? I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” He finds the courage to reach out again and grabs Minho’s hand this time like he intended to before, squeezing, hugging it to his chest. He’s starting to panic, his breath coming up fast and shallow, his heart pounding in his ears. They’ve never fought. Minho’s never even been truly angry with him. Jisung doesn’t know what will happen if Minho leaves, if him walking out means that Minho is too angry to even look at him. He feels like he’s ruined everything. “Don’t go,” he croaks, looking at Minho with wet eyes, lips wobbling.
“Sungie…” Minho’s expression softens. He doesn’t pull his hand away, but he sighs again. He doesn’t look so angry anymore, he almost seems hurt even. His eyes are a little misty. It’s a rare look on him.
“I’m sorry.” Jisung sniffles, clutching Minho’s hand like a lifeline. “I didn’t mean to ruin the night. You just c-caught me off guard and then you seemed so mad all of a sudden.”
“You didn’t ruin anything.” Minho takes a deep breath and leans forward to kiss Jisung’s forehead. “Breathe for me.”
Jisung takes a shaky breath in and lets it out slowly, repeating until he feels like he can speak without stuttering. There’s still tears rolling down his cheeks, but this time, Minho brings his free hand up and brushes them away with his thumb. “You know I don’t want to hide, right?” He swallows, praying Minho will come back to bed. “I just don’t know if I’m ready and I’m…” His lips quiver. “I’m really scared.”
“I know you are.” Minho tucks Jisung’s hair back behind his ear, the soft look returning to his eyes, but he still looks sad. “I’d never make you do anything you didn’t want to. You know that, right?”
“But are you unhappy?” Jisung’s voice is almost a whisper. He’s terrified of the answer. Until just minutes ago, he thought they were both on cloud nine and now he’s worried Minho has been upset the entire time. “I thought things were better with the new contracts. I-I didn’t know you felt like this.”
“I’m not unhappy being with you, bug,” Minho assures, his eyebrows pushing together. “I didn’t mean to make you think that. I’m just unhappy hiding.”
“You seemed so mad at me…”
Minho shakes his head. “I’m not, but…” He stops and rolls his eyes at himself. “Maybe I shouldn’t have brought this up so casually, but when your first response was to laugh and call me crazy, that…”
“Oh.” Jisung’s heart sinks. He did react like that — right off the bat too. He didn’t think Minho was even serious at first. “I’m sorry, hyung. I was just surprised.”
“Do you really think it’s so crazy?”
“No, I just don’t know if I’m ready yet.”
Minho nods, thinking.
“Are you still angry?” Jisung sniffs. This is his fault. He didn’t respond kindly and maybe the conversation would have gone differently if he had. Their alone time is so precious, he hates that he ruined the night and Minho looks like his feelings are genuinely hurt. He steps forward and hugs him, squeezing tight and burying his face in Minho’s neck. “I’m really sorry.”
Minho hugs him back, resting his chin on top of Jisung’s head. He takes one more long deep breath and Jisung feels the tension finally start to seep out of him. Minho’s shoulders fall and his arms are gentle around him. “No, jagi, you were right. I was being mean.”
“I was mean too.” Jisung hiccups at the thought. “I shouldn’t have dismissed you like that.”
“Baby, no, that doesn’t excuse yelling at you.” Minho rubs his back and presses a kiss to the top of his head. “I’m angry at the situation. I shouldn’t take that out on you.”
“I fucked up our night,” Jisung chokes, still clinging desperately like Minho might disappear if he lets go. “Do you want me to go home? I-I don’t have to sleep over if you don’t want me to.” If Minho needs space, Jisung will give it to him, but it will still break his heart if Minho asks him to go. He doesn’t want to be apart, not right now. He wants to be sure that they’re okay.
“I don’t want you to go.” Minho rocks them gently back and forth, letting Jisung cling all he needs. “You didn’t fuck up anything, this was my fault.”
“I promise I’ll think more about it.” Jisung lifts his head and looks pleadingly up at Minho. “I love you so much, hyung. I don’t want you to be hurting.”
Minho’s lips pull up into a soft smile, his eyes kind and fond again — the look Jisung is used to seeing. “You love me even though I was just a total dick to you?”
“I love you no matter what,” Jisung says, painfully honest. Maybe that’s not healthy, but it’s what he feels. Even if he was upset at Minho, if his feelings were hurt, he wouldn’t just stop loving him.
“Who made you so sweet, hm?” Minho pokes his tummy and Jisung giggles in spite of himself, breathing a sigh of relief when Minho kisses both his cheeks. “You want to cuddle up and finish the movie?”
Jisung nods and reaches for Minho’s pajama top, taking it from where it’s hanging on the handle of a dresser drawer and offering it up to him. “We have to be matching,” he pouts and Minho chuckles when he takes the shirt from him.
He changes back, letting Jisung admire the view to his heart’s content as he strips off the tank top and puts the silly cat shirt back on. “Good?”
“Perfect.” Jisung wipes his eyes one more time and takes Minho’s hand to lead him back to bed, resuming the movie before snuggling up to him under the comforter. He gets as close as he can, an arm and a leg thrown over Minho, his head on his shoulder, holding him just a little tighter than he normally does. “Are we okay?” He asks in a quiet voice, just needing to hear the confirmation.
“We’re okay, bug,” Minho hushes, giving him a little squeeze for reassurance. “Everything’s okay.”
“Thank you for staying.”
“I’m sorry I tried to walk away.” Minho picks the hair out of Jisung’s eyes and plants another kiss on his forehead. “You okay?”
Jisung nods and nuzzles his cheek against Minho’s chest, his nerves settling now that he’s assured he hasn’t run Minho off or completely ruined their whole night. Crying tends to exhaust him, so it isn’t long before he stops paying attention to the movie and closes his eyes, listening to the steady thump of Minho’s heart beat instead. He’ll think more about what Minho said, try to find some kind of compromise between his terror at the idea of coming out and Minho’s unhappiness hiding who they are. But right now, all that matters is that they’re okay. Minho is holding him. Minho still loves him. That’s all Jisung needs to know that things are alright.
He isn’t sure when he dozes off, but when he wakes up, it’s the middle of the night. The lights are all off, he’s under the blankets, but he’s no longer pillowed on his boyfriend’s chest. All at once, Jisung remembers the fight, how angry Minho had seemed, how he wanted to leave and get some space, and he sits upright in bed, chest tight. He looks to Minho’s side of the bed, sees his phone still charging on the nightstand beside it. Maybe he just went to the bathroom.
Jisung sees light bleeding through a small crack in the door and as he shakes his head clear and wakes up a little more, he can hear low voices talking outside in the living room. A low rumble that’s undeniably Felix and Minho talking back at him. He shouldn’t eavesdrop, but he’s so anxious from earlier, afraid Minho might still be upset with him, he can’t resist. He slides quietly out of bed, creeping up to the door to listen through the opening.
“I fucked up the whole conversation,” Minho sighs. Jisung can hear the metallic sound of a spoon scraping the inside of a mug, stirring tea. “I brought it up too suddenly and freaked him out and then I really hurt his feelings.”
“I’m sorry, hyung,” Felix says, voice a little raspy from sleep or a lack of it. “But he was okay when he fell asleep?”
“I think so.”
“And you…?” Felix probes gently and Jisung bites his lip, simultaneously desperate to hear the answer and afraid of it too.
“I’m okay,” Minho says, his voice low and defeated. “I just don’t know what to do. I should be happy with the new freedoms we got, but I just keep thinking. How many years did it take for us to get these tiny little things? At this rate, we’ll never be able to be ourselves.”
“It might not take so long to get to the next steps,” Felix tries to reassure him. “And you know everyone will have your backs no matter what you decide.”
“I think it just hurt that he wasn’t thinking about the long term.” Minho sips his tea, pauses. “I always think about our future. I know that he’s it for me, but what if he decides it’s too hard?”
“He would never leave you behind, hyung. You said he really freaked out when you even mentioned leaving, yeah?”
“Fuck, I shouldn’t have done that. I just meant we needed a little space to stop arguing, but it scared him.”
“He wouldn’t be so scared of losing you if he didn’t love you just as much.”
Jisung’s heart sinks in his chest. Is Minho worried that Jisung doesn’t love him enough to deal with all the obstacles of being queer? Jisung would face the whole world for Minho if it really came down to it.
“I guess I’m just so… proud of him, you know?” Jisung can hear Minho gulp, hear the way he fights down the emotion in his voice. “I’m proud to be with him. It feels wrong hiding him, but he doesn’t have a problem with hiding me I guess.”
Oh… Jisung gets it.
When Minho first brought Jisung home to meet his parents, his friends, he told them all that Jisung was his boyfriend. When Jisung brought Minho home, he told everyone he was just his best friend. Minho hadn’t seemed hurt. He was more than understanding, but does he think Jisung isn’t proud to be with him? That he doesn’t want to show him off? Jisung is proud as hell to be Minho’s boyfriend. He looks at him every day and wonders how this person chose him like he can hardly believe it’s real.
“He’s proud to be with you, hyung,” Felix says. “He’s just afraid. Give him some more time and keep telling him how you feel. He doesn’t have to agree to come out, but if it’s hurting your feelings, you guys need to keep talking about that.”
“I just don’t want to fight again,” Minho sighs. “I got so defensive and I was such an asshole. I made him cry, I’ve never done that before.”
“Everyone fights. Don’t beat yourself up too much.”
Jisung senses the conversation wrapping up and steps back from the door, quietly making his way back to bed and slipping under the covers. He feels gross lying by omission, pretending to still be asleep as he hears Minho and Felix rinse out their mugs. He can’t say anything now without revealing what he overheard, but he resolves to make Minho feel as loved as possible when they wake up in the morning.
Hard as it might feel, maybe it is time to tell his parents about them. Minho is right — Jisung has been avoiding the long term. He wants to be with Minho forever and that means this problem isn’t going away.
The door creaks open and Jisung shuts his eyes, keeping his breathing deep and steady as Minho shuts it and comes back to bed.
“Sungie?” He whispers, sliding under the covers next to him.
“Hm?” Jisung mumbles, feigning sleepiness.
“Did I wake you?”
Jisung shakes his head and opens his arms. “Come back.”
Minho smiles fondly in the dark and turns on his side, scootching back to press up against Jisung as his little spoon. It’s a reverse of their usual position, but Jisung adores when Minho lets himself be held. He hugs him tight to his chest with one arm and kisses the back of his neck.
“Love you, hyungie,” Jisung whispers and feels some of the tension leave Minho’s posture as he sinks into his touch.
“Love you too, jagiya,” Minho mumbles, resting his hand over where Jisung’s is lying on his stomach.
He falls back asleep quickly, but Jisung stays awake just a little longer, holding him close. The last thing in the world he wants is for this precious person in his arms to feel like Jisung isn’t head over heels for him, doesn’t treasure their relationship with pride. He smiles softly when Minho talks a little incoherently in his sleep, imagining what it might be like to have this every night instead of just now and then. Jisung thinks he’d like that.
He likes his life with Minho in it.