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sometimes Ray wishes he were dead.
Everyone would be better off without Him.
Its His fault they are all dead, his own selfish reasons. Because Ray needs Emma and norman to live, he needs them to be alive. They're the only reason he hasn't given up yet, and if they died, then what would be the purpose of his sibling's deaths? They were still his siblings, how could he just kill them like that? He's a horrible person why would they want a murderer around
How could Ray have sold them out to mom, treat them like lab rats for his tests? He used them for his own selfish reasons, and undoubtedly they will not be the last of his siblings he sends out to die.
And Ray hates himself for it. hates how he treats them like they're expendable. Hates how he'll be the one to tell mom who to ship out. Hates how he's become a spy for her, hate how now, Ray has become as much of a villain as she has.
But in the end, we're all just victims of the same cruel world
And Ray hates that's how she excuses her actions.
Ray hates how similar he is to her.
Because ultimately, they think the same way.
~▪~
Emma and Norman know what will happen to them, much too soon. They were supposed to remain happy and innocent and unburdened until their last breath, and its his fault they know. Don't you want them to escape? isn't that why you're doing all this?
~▪~
How do you live with the guilt, Ray? (He's barely living-) you've been selling us out, Ray, how can you do this so unflinchingly? Do you just not care? (No-pleaseplease, I do care- imsorry) What are we to you, Ray? rats, to be experimented on?
No, he want to say, you've got it all wrong, this is because I love you-
But that's selfish- killing everyone else so two people might survive ?
Maybe she's right. (Ray is a horrible person)
He opens his mouth meaning to say the desperate defense of his actions-
How could He?
They would all be lies anyway. Falsehoods, deceptions, fabricated truths made to justify his actions to himself.
He cant say anything-
●●●
ray wakes up, sharp and gasping, from his dreams nightmares. He tries to silence his cries, but Emma still hears. Emma, the angel, the only reason they're still alive.
Emma watches ray everyday, so painfully aware that hes hurting, and so painfully helpless to do anything. if she were being honest with herself, it might've been fear. cowardice. scared that she'll be the thing that tips him off the edge, and it's her fault he dies this time. what if she didnt catch that match in time?
it's hard, genuinely noticing his emotions. After all, Ray has years of experience lying to their mom, years of experience hiding behind a mask of sarcasm and sardonicism. Emma wishes she could read him, but the only one who's was actually able to do so was norman. Was norman, because hes dead now, and-
Emma never had to hide her feelings, gracefield was the only home she ever known, safe and happy and accepting. But ray? he had to lie, constantly hide under a leiu of happiness.
It's hard, noticing the way Ray always volunteers to do the most dangerous tasks. "it's to help," he says, "because I'm the oldest," but they're both more than aware that one wrong move could get him killed. And what if that's what hes trying to do? Ray promised Emma to live, but how could she expect a simple promise to change the way hes been thinking for six years? Planning his own death for some noble cause, for her and Norman.
Stupid of Emma not to notice how he never said 'We' it was always 'you both' or 'you'. never 'us'. He never intended to get out of gracefield alive, and so never included himself in the fantasies they made, their plans once outside the gate.
●●●
Ray never wanted to die for some noble, selfless reason. he had never been anything but selfish anyway. No, he wanted death because that's what he deserves. six years of sending his siblings to die, why would he deserve anything other? it was a childish retaliation to the cruel fate they were in.
Ray is not self centered enough to believe that one life (his own) is enough to atone for the countless lives He's sent to death.
But really what else can he do?
He's the reason why they dont get the chance to escape.
The reason they'll never see anything outside the gates.
So how is it fair for Ray to have that chance?
"I'll show you something cool"
It shouldn't have been Norman.
Whould've been Ray.
He would've died anyway.
Emma doesn't need two people she loves ripped away from her.
both because of Him-!
And honestly Ray isn't sure why Emma's so forgiving. She has all right to hate him for everything He's done.
the fact that His death could mean something, help someone, was always an afterthought. but no one knew, and maybe it would be better if he died with them believing that. would that make them love him more, in death than in life?
●●●
Frankly, Emma was horrified. Why hadn't she seen sooner? But she knew why. Emma, pure, sweet Emma, had been told by Norman that Ray was planning to kill himself- for them. (Everything he'd ever done was for her and Norman wasn't it?) Maybe she'd refused to believe what norman was telling her simply because no-one would hate themselves enough to want to die... Right? He wouldn't actually--
...she had been foolish.
Emma remembers the smell of gasoline, her pleadings for him to stop and reconsider falling to deaf ears.
Emma had been foolish to believe that her desperate pleas would be enough to change plans Ray developed for six years.
So what could she do but blindly leap forward to grab the match?
How she caught it, she'd never know.
Perhaps god was smiling on her.
Or Perhaps god was pulling all the strings and leading then to some crueler fate.