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“That’s it,” Steve said, standing up. “I’m done.” He then turned away from Dustin, who had unshed tears in his eyes, and walked away.
Away from Dustin. Away from their fight. Away from Dustin realizing that he got what he wanted. He didn’t say anything. Couldn’t, really. He’d wanted Steve to leave. To walk away. To stop caring about Dustin. He’d wanted it. So… why did it hurt so much? Why were there tears in his eyes as he curled up into a ball on the ground of the hidden room in the lab.
Why did he wait until he couldn’t hear Steve’s footsteps to let out a sob? Why did he break down completely when he finally got what he wanted? Why did he not even bother to muffle his sobs? Why couldn’t he— why couldn’t—
Why can’t I breathe?
The thought hit him like a freight train. Dustin was having a panic attack, sobbing, unable to breathe because he got what he wanted. Steve left him. That’s what he wanted. So why did it feel like someone was ripping his insides out, piece by piece? Why did it feel like he couldn’t function? Why was he sobbing so hard he couldn’t catch his breath? That he couldn’t breathe through it? That he needed what Steve had been trying to give him for the past one and a half years; help?
Why was it that now, after Steve left him, did he finally realize that he didn’t want Steve gone? That he needed his brother like he needed air to breathe? Why was it now that he finally broke? Why was it now, when Steve abandoned Dustin than when Eddie died in his arms, that he struggled to breathe? That he was hyperventilating? That he physically couldn’t catch his breath and couldn’t calm down?
I need Steve. But I don’t know if Steve needs me back.
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Steve left the secret room in the lab. Left Dustin, who had punched him. Now, there was a soft bruise forming on his jaw. But the only thing he cared about was how Dustin had hit him. Seriously hit him. That thought was what brought tears to his eyes.
Steve waited until he was out of earshot before breaking out into sobs. The last time he cried was five years ago. Dustin had shown that he didn’t need him anymore over the past year and a half. Dustin had shown that he didn’t want anything to do with Steve.
Steve had pushed, and pushed, and pushed, and then Dustin snapped at him. He deserves this. He knows he does, but why does it hurt so much? Why can’t he just let go? Why can’t he just accept that Dustin hates him and doesn’t want him around?
Why does it hurt so much? Why didn’t he move past where he could still reach Dustin in case something happened? Why did he still care? Dustin clearly didn’t want him around anymore, so why did he still care? He shouldn’t care. He knows he shouldn’t. But he does. And he doesn’t know how to stop caring about Dustin; because no matter how much Dustin hated him, that was his little brother. And that love and care would never, ever fade, even if he was dead.
I love him so much, does he but does even love me too?
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Dustin was watching as the staircase melted in front of him, and Steve was doing something behind him. Dustin hadn't apologized. Steve had come back, carrying a ladder. Holy shit, Steve didn’t comprehend the fact that he was gonna fall if he went on that. He’d die.
“No, dude, stop! It’s unsafe, you're gonna fall!” Dustin yelled out, trying to stop Steve.
“It’s unstable, okay?! I got it!” Steve yelled back, glancing over his shoulder once before putting a foot on the ladder.
No. No, no, no, no, no, nononononono— Dustin hadn’t even gotten the chance to apologize for attacking Steve and ruining their friendship. How was he gonna tell Steve how sorry he was if he died? How was he gonna tell Steve how much he loved him and needed him to survive if Steve was dead?
He’d already lost Eddie because he couldn’t move fast enough, but maybe, just maybe—
Before Dustin could comprehend what he was doing, he was moving and yelling: “No, don’t— STOP—!” Yanking Steve back, away from the ladder, away from danger, as he finished his sentence, “Being an asshole!”
Steve’s expression twisted into one of disbelief and anger. “I’m not being an asshole, I’m trying to get to them!” Them, as in, Nancy and Jonathan.
“You're always trying to get yourself killed and I can’t let it happen again!” Dustin says, and he’s shocked at the fact that his voice didn’t break, but even more shocked as Steve’s expression that was just anger and disbelief immediately turned into realization and concern. “If you go on there, you're gonna die, and I can’t deal with it again. You can’t die ‘cause I can’t deal with it again.”
Dustin’s voice had broken at this point as he just threw himself into Steve, wrapping his arms tightly around the older male and just letting himself completely come undone. “Don’t let it happen again. Please. Please don’t let it happen again.” Steve’s arms had wrapped around him by now, his earlier anger and frustration evaporated as he realized what Dustin’s behavior was. Dustin was scared of losing anyone else that cared about him; scared of someone sacrificing themselves for him again. “Not you.”
Scratch that. Dustin couldn’t handle Steve sacrificing himself for him. “I’m sorry..” and Steve, well, he didn’t trust himself to say anything more than:
“No, no, no.” The stairs had melted away, and the ladder fell, Steve turning slightly to watch it fall while still holding Dustin tightly, his grip somehow going tighter around the 15 year old that had him in a death grip. Dustin’s knees buckled, most likely out of stress and fear. Steve caught him, of course he did, and then adjusted their positions to have them both sitting down.
Dustin had automatically put his head near Steve’s chest, just listening to his heartbeat, still holding onto him like he was gonna suddenly fall through the floor and leave Dustin again. Steve was running a hand through Dustin’s hair, gently unknotting the knots; giving him something to do with his brain and something that’ll help Dustin realize that Steve wasn’t leaving him.
“I thought.. I thought that when you walked away… during that fight… that you..” Steve looked down at Dustin as he spoke. “That you weren’t coming back.. that you’d left me. I can’t remember if I ever calmed down or just stuffed the feeling down and away..” Dustin didn’t look up at Steve, but Steve was looking down at him, his gaze full of concern and love.
“Dustin, kiddo, I would never leave you. Ever.” Steve firmly reassured, and Dustin finally looked up at him, his eyes glistening with fresh, unshed tears.
“Promise?” His voice was small, quiet. Not the loud and big voice that Steve associated with Dustin. This one was that of a traumatized kid who had seen way too much and couldn’t afford to lose another best friend.
“If I break it, then that’s not me. If I break it, then I’m gone. I promise you that I will never abandon you. I’m too attached to do that to you.”
Dustin nodded, and his head went back to being buried in Steven’s chest. Dustin had fallen asleep, and Steve had pretty much decided right then and there that he wouldn’t move for as long as this kid stayed asleep. Nancy and Jonathan would be fine. Hopefully.
He should check on them, but the fact that Dustin had fallen asleep on him for the first time in god-knows-how-long outweighed that thought by around three hundred pounds. Dustin had always been his top priority, him and Robin. Everyone else was on a list, below number one.
Steve didn’t need anyone as long as he had his best friends. His family. They were always going to be enough for him.