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Shane lay back against the pillows, an arm flung over his eyes, chest heaving.
"Have I ever told you how good you are at that?"
Ilya grinned and squeezed Shane's thigh, pressing a kiss to the ridge of his hipbone.
"You have maybe mentioned. Practice makes perfect, yes?"
"Anytime you feel like practicing ...."
Ilya chuckled. "But not when Hayden is on the phone?"
"God!" Shane snorted. "He had to know something was up."
"Something was up. I can confirm this."
"I guess it's a good thing my dad didn't walk in on anything like that."
"Yes," Ilya's smile softened. "Could have been worse."
It was dark in the cottage bedroom. The shades were open, but the moon had set hours before. Ilya was feeling relaxed and sleepy, but he did not want the day to end, even knowing there would be another one like it tomorrow.
Shane's fingers threaded through Ilya's hair. "Boyfriend, huh?"
"Yes," Ilya said contentedly. "I am very happy to be Shane Hollander's boyfriend."
"So what does that mean? For us?"
Ilya crawled up the bed and pinned Shane down, capturing his mouth in a long, slow kiss.
"It means," he said, resting their foreheads together, "that you must give up your playboy ways and be only with me from now on."
Shane laughed. "Oh, must I? What about you?"
Ilya rolled onto his back, hand raised in a sweeping gesture. "Every girl and boy from Ottawa to Miami is crying in their beds tonight, because they know that my heart and my cock belong to only one man."
"Will I be enough for you?" Shane asked, amused.
Ilya pressed a kiss to Shane's shoulder, hand settling in the center of his chest. "I think you have always been more than enough for me, Hollander. You are -- what is word? Can't get enough?"
"Insatiable? Are you calling me a slut, Rozanov?"
Ilya grinned into Shane's shoulder. "Yes, exactly. You are my slut, Hollander."
He could almost hear Shane rolling his eyes. "How about we just stick with 'boyfriend' for now?"
"Yes, okay," Ilya agreed placidly, but he filed the other word away to try again later under different circumstances. "So, will the boys and girls of Montreal be sad to lose you?"
Shane gave a quiet, sleepy huff of laughter. "I doubt it. They never really had me."
Ilya's fingers traced a pattern over his lover's heart. "There were women besides Rose Landry, yes?"
"Some," Shane admitted.
"And men?"
"A couple."
"Was it good with them?"
Shane shifted, trying to look at Ilya. "Are you jealous? You've hooked up with way more people than me, and I've never asked you for details."
"Yes, but when I did it, it wasn't serious," said Ilya. "I know Shane Hollander never does anything he is not serious about."
"It was an experiment." Shane sounded uncomfortable. "You know. To find out if I could want something that wasn't ... this."
Ilya could understand that. He, too, had spent a lot of time and energy trying to want anything but this. He was glad now that neither of them had ever succeeded.
"Mr. Scientist. Tell me about your experiment."
"I went to ... gay bars. On the road in cities where hockey isn't as big a deal. Places I didn't think I'd be recognized."
Ilya smiled, imagining how uncomfortable and out of his element Shane would have looked in such places.
"And you found someone you liked? Was it good?"
"Not really. The first time, I waited for someone to approach me, and then I ... went with him. But I couldn't relax enough to enjoy it. It wasn't --"
"What?"
"It wasn't you. Is that what you want to hear? That you're the best I've ever had? That no one else has ever come close?"
Ilya smiled smugly and nuzzled Shane's shoulder. "Mmm, I already knew that, but I like hearing you say it."
Shane's fingers caressed the back of Ilya's neck. "Narcissist," he said fondly. "Egomaniac."
"It is not ego if it is the truth," Ilya informed him. "Tell me about your second experiment."
Shane was quiet for a long moment. Ilya could feel an odd tension in him.
"It was a mistake," Shane said at last. "I knew I wasn't into him right away, and I didn't really want to be there, but ...."
"You did it anyway?" Ilya asked softly.
"He -- I think he must've put something in my drink," Shane said stiffly. "I hadn't had that much. Enough to loosen up a little, but not enough to get drunk. I don't really remember --"
Ilya's hand stilled on Shane's chest. He felt suddenly cold all over.
"It was stupid," Shane continued bitterly. "I should've been paying more attention. I shouldn't have even been there."
"Shane --" Ilya's throat felt tight, but he forced the words out. "Did he ... hurt you?"
"I don't know." Shane sounded tired. "I'm pretty sure he -- but like I said, I don't really remember what happened. And I got tested, after. But I didn't feel like 'experimenting' anymore after that."
Ilya closed his eyes and swallowed heavily, wondering if he was going to be sick. He knew all too well the kind of men who took advantage of others with no concern for what they wanted. The world of professional sports too often provided cover for such men. The thought that a man like that had had his hands on Shane --
He could feel his heart hammering in his chest, and drew a slow breath, trying to calm himself. This was not about him. Shane had listened quietly when Ilya shared the dark corners of his own past, demanding nothing. He could do the same for Shane. But he wondered whether Shane had ever fully processed what had happened to him. He had a habit of compartmentalizing difficult thoughts and feelings.
A warm hand covered Ilya's and gave it a squeeze.
"Hey. Are you okay?" Shane asked sleepily.
Ilya realized he was clenching his jaw, and made an effort to relax. He tilted his face up, just barely able to make out Shane's eyes in the darkness, gazing at him with worry.
"Yes. Are you?" Ilya asked.
Shane frowned. "Sure. Live and learn, yeah?"
"Shane --"
Shane sighed. "See, this is why I didn't want to tell you about it. I don't want you thinking I'm stupid or fragile or can't take care of myself."
Tenderness bloomed in Ilya's chest and he raised his head to kiss Shane softly on the mouth. "I would never think that about you. I love you."
That made Shane smile, and if Shane was smiling, nothing could be that bad.
"I love you, too."
Ilya lay awake long after Shane had fallen asleep curled against him, head pillowed on Ilya's chest, Ilya's arms tight around him. He knew Shane was not fragile. Not like Ilya was. He wondered how many times his love for Shane would shatter him. How many times he would have to remake himself from the glittering shards. It did not matter. It was worth it. He would do it every time. For Shane.