Chapter Text
He was running on autopilot.
It was the easiest way to live without feeling the constant pull on his heart. Every time he comes to himself, he is reminded of the pathetic tragedy that is his life.
And so, he kind of unplugged the power in his head and started floating, trying to dull the the pain tugging on his chest, the weight of his current presence that once were the future he was dreaming of.
He tries keeping himself busy, working overtime, Grading essays left and right, staying late at work. to the point were Aizawa-sensei had to drag him out of his desk in the teacher's lounge, giving him that weird look.
And for some reason, it makes izuku's heart ache. He would have read it as "I'm worried" if he didn't know better. Sometimes, he even go as far as driving izuku to his apartment to make sure he gets there safely.
Which was absurd. Considering izuku still can defend himself without his quirk.
His quirk, all might’s quirk. The one he was too weak to keep as his own. The one he lost in the battle against shigaraki and all for one.
He tries not to think about quirks anymore, which is crazy, because quirks were the sole purpose of izuku midoriya’s life. even when he was painfully, obviously quirkless, he was writing about quirks like his life depended on it.
And no one can blame him honestly, quirks were fascinating, still are.
But they remind him of before, when he was still in good terms with the class, when he was able to sleep peacefully at night, when he was able to look all might and Aizawa in the eyes without having shame eating him alive, telling him that he failed them.That all their hard work was for nothing, for him just to lose his quirk and not being able to be the hero they tried to build.
The only time he allows himself to nerd out about them is when he's helping his students manage their quirks.
That's his only escape from his mind. The one time he feels that he really is helping somehow, that he isn’t just a waste of space trying to fit in, to reclaim his place in the hero world.
He shakes his head, trying to get red of the “bad thoughts” as his therapist called them, or ex-therapist, to be exact. He stopped going to therapy once he graduated, knowing the school can’t force him into therapy once he isn’t in their care anymore.
He lies to everyone though, telling them that he still is in therapy. But he’s pretty sure aizawa-sensei and kacchan suspected that he’s lying, they know him too well. He kind of feels naked in front of their gaze.
He continues speeding toward the train station, struggling to catch the last train. thankfully, he makes it just in time before the train’s doors close
Sitting there, looking at the window, he starts thinking about the one thing that has kept him afloat the past week, the full bottle of anti-depressants and the two bottles of wine in the cupboard.
He feels ashamed, thinking about how weak he has gotten to seek such a sick solution for his misery. But he can’t, he just can’t anymore.
He can’t live like a normal human being after all he went through
He feels ashamed, knowing that the only reason he was a bit more functioning this week was because he knew it will all end in a matter of days, it sorts of put him at ease.
It became strangely quiet in his head ever since he decided the date of his death, the day he does the world a favor and kill himself, be gone for good.
Friday, The fourth of September.
Today was Monday, August 31.
He exactly has 4 more days left.
He gets out of the train, walking mindlessly to his apartment. He stops in front of a small store to get himself something to eat, instead of buying an instant cup of noodles. he, for the first time, buys one of those expensive meals that doesn’t taste like cardboard.
Arriving at his little apartment, he doesn’t turn on the news, he instead puts on a show that he once heard ashido talking about and starts eating.
Thinking of ashido, he really misses his class, his real family. The only time he ever felt at home was when he was with them, he really wishes he is still talking to them.
Don’t get him wrong, he still has a somehow good relationship with them. It’s just, after their graduation, he started distancing himself from them more and more, he just couldn’t take being with them, seeing them all succeed while he stays at point zero, seeing them all fly away while he watches from the ground.
It hurts more than he would like to admit.
Even though he tried his best to cut all ties with them, not attending the reunions they plan, not answering their calls or texts, not even bothering to check their group chat.
He thought that was the end of it, that they would move on. embrace the new life that was ahead of them, not looking behind, at him.
But no, the texts kept coming, almost every two days he gets a call from one of them, even though he doesn’t answer, the calls kept coming. He was not kicked out of the group chat, even though it’s been nearly two years since he last opened it.
Their bugging wasn’t all just via online though, almost every month one of them visits UA. Claiming that they had work to do, but izuku knows that’s bullshit.
He sees right through it. They are quite obvious with it too, every time one of them drops by, it becomes more and more apparent that they only came to chick in, you know, see if he’s still alive. They come in, linger around, talk with all the teachers in hopes that it’s less obvious they came just to talk with him.
So they come, help with classes, talk to nedzu and all the staff.
Especially Aizawa-sensei, they always spend a lot of time talking to him. Sometimes, he can catch them whispering and casting concerns glances his way. He pretends like he doesn’t notice, but he does, he always does.
But it’s worse when kacchan drops by. He always is more forward, More blunt. Not wasting time talking with the other staff.
He is honest. And izuku doesn’t know how to feel about that.
It’s less awkward when he is honest, he tells izuku the truth, that he only came here to talk with him.
He never holds back, it’s annoying sometimes, he never sugar coat stuff. He ask izuku if he’s okay, how is he holding up, is the students being a bunch of brats? Does he need help with them? He can always drop by to scare them if izuku wants.
And izuku, like the lair he is, lies through his teeth. Saying that he’s fine, that he’s holding up well.
But he always catches the frown settling on kacchan’s face, as if he had a lie detecting quirk.
Izuku turns the TV off. Maybe he should start writing his letters. he doesn’t call them “suicide notes”. It’s more of “apologies letters”.
It's for asking forgiveness, for being a burden, a nuisance. Apologizing for the future that could have been, if he was stronger, more capable.
He has been putting off writing the letters for a long time now. Mainly because he doesn’t know what to write in them, sorry I was a pain in the ass, please forgive me?. But he might as well begin now. He has a shit ton of people to apologize for and only 4 days left.
He goes to his room, turning the lamp on his desk on and fetching a neat, clean paper and a pen from his drawer.
He decides to write the first letter to his mother, since he doesn’t have a lot to tell her after all. His and his mother relationship wasn’t always the best, especially after the war. She always had a comment or two to throw his way, how it’s funny and “ironic” that he ended up just as he started, quirkless.
He didn’t find that funny, it caused a big fight back then. Aizawa sensei had to come pick him up, even though they had been given the month off after the war so they can see their family.
He offered izuku to stay at his place, but izuku refused. And since he was pretty distraught after the fight, nobody had the heart to argue with him. Aizawa sensei opened the dorms for him to stay, even going as far as staying there with him in the dorms.
Even though izuku tried to refuse, Aizawa sensei didn't budge. And izuku knew that Aizawa was doing this for his own peace of mind more than anything.
All of class 1A knows how much the war affected their teacher. For the first 5 months, He couldn't exists in a room that didn't have all 20 of his children, he would always be counting them, checking if anyone is missing.
And izuku admits, he did gave Aizawa quite the scare in his high school years, he isn't the "problem child" for nothing after all.
And yes, they were his children, his kids. Everyone in class 1A liked it that way.
He still visits his mother from time to time, but not by himself. He has to bring aizawa sensei, Yamada sensei or kacchan.
He picks up the pen, figuring that he really needs to be done with some of the letters tonight. He stats writing, trying to make his handwriting a little bit more legible. He tries not to be too emotional, knowing his mother always hated when he cried.
When he's done, he takes takes a deep breath. Holding the letter in his newly tingling hands, he reads through it, checking if he missed anything.
Dear Mom,
I'm sorry that you didn't get to see me saving people like all might, I'm sorry you didn't get to see me getting a degree in medical school, I'm sorry that the only son you had wasn't the one you aimed to get. I'm sure someone as great as you should have had a child as great as them, and if I get to meet God, I would ask him why did he choose me to be your son while the child you deserved to have was deprived of having such a good mom like you.
I know you weren't always supportive, but I came to release it was because it's me, I'm the problem. Maybe if I was Normal it would have been easier to love me. But nonetheless, I love you, and I'm deeply sorry I ruined your life.
Love, izuku
That's it, short and simple.
He folds the paper in half and, arms shaking as he puts it in an envelope, sealing it and writing "mom" in a big font and a shaky handwriting on the front.
He sits there for what could have been only a few minutes but it felt like hours, staring at the envelope, breathing Heavily as a bit grows in his guts. Writing his first letter gave the situation a sense of reality. He's really doing this, He thought, He's really going to kill himself.
...
He sets the letter down, closing the light, and heeds to his bed. Once he's under the cover, he's out like a light, the emotions of today talking a toll on him,
And For the first time in seven years, Without nightmares cutting through his peaceful slumber, Izuku sleeps peacefully through the whole night.