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It began the night Mom left. Natalie had still been in her blue dress from the spring dance, black coat thrown over her shoulders, hair done up nicely, bag across her chest. As soon as she had seen her father sitting alone in the darkness, she had known. She had asked him anyway. And when Dan confirmed that Diana was indeed gone, Natalie focused intently on the counter, the first tears beginning to fall.
That was when she had felt it: something brushing against her hand, a feather-light touch. She hadn’t been able to help it; she had startled and looked around, but the room was empty. Before she could process it, a low sob had sounded from the corner, and Natalie had turned in shock. She had never seen her father cry. Natalie had swallowed the lump in her throat and rushed to comfort him, the brief touch forgotten.
It was only now, lying in bed, that Natalie let everything wash over her. Sleep wouldn’t come, not after all the crazy events of the day. The unexpected hospital trip, the dance, and then…
Natalie blinked away more tears. She wondered how often she would see her mother from now on. Every weekend? Biweekly? Once a month? Once a year? Never?
She sniffled, turning to look at the clock. 4 a.m. Eight months ago, she would have been up studying at this hour, maybe stumbling across Mom having another episode in the kitchen. It had always given Natalie the chills, the way she had sat there, waiting for a son who would never come home. And yet, when Natalie had been out clubbing, her mother hadn’t even noticed. All she cared about was her stupid fucking son who didn’t even exist.
I shouldn’t think like that, Natalie scolded herself. Though, it was difficult not to be mad that the son her parents never had seemed to have a bigger presence in this family than she did. Except he hadn’t just been a son, he had been a brother. Natalie’s brother. Even if she hadn’t existed back then.
For a moment, staring up at the ceiling of her dark bedroom, Natalie let herself wonder. What if? What if she had a brother who was alive? Would she still be the invisible girl, the shadow of the family? Would they get along well, or would they fight like all siblings seemed to do? Would he give her advice on how to get through high school? Would they talk about music and complain about their parents? Would she feel less lonely?
In the end, the answer was none of those. If my brother were alive, I wouldn’t exist, Natalie thought. She chuckled bitterly, sniffing as more tears spilled horizontally down her face, not quite reaching her pillow.
What’s so funny? a little voice in her head spoke.
Natalie sighed and sat up slowly, accepting that sleep would not come any time soon. “Oh, I don’t know,” she muttered as she did so, “maybe the fact that I wouldn’t even exist if it weren’t for— Jesus fucking Christ!” In a flash, she was pressed against the corner of her bedframe, clutching her pillow and shaking all over.
“Not quite.” There was a man in her room. No, not a man: a teenage boy, lounging in the corner looking for all the world like he was meant to be there. And that voice, she had heard it only seconds ago. What’s so funny? That hadn’t been in her head, that had been him.
“Who are you?” she hissed. “How did you get in my room?” At this time of night (turning morning, now) it was so quiet you could hear a pin drop. Unless Natalie had fallen asleep and was dreaming this whole thing, there was no way in hell this boy had just crept in unless he had been there all along. Which was even more terrifying.
The boy shrugged, looking completely unbothered. “Like I said, Jesus Christ wasn’t so far off.”
Natalie lowered the pillow slowly, staring at her own hands as though her palms might hold the answers. “Am I dead?”
"Nope.”
“Seriously,” Natalie whispered in what she hoped was a warning tone. “Who are you? Are you even human?”
The boy grinned. It was rather irritating. “Human is…a stretch. I don’t know. It’s complicated.”
“Who. Are. You.”
“I’m surprised you haven’t figured it out yet, Natalie.”
Natalie looked up at him again, staring. Brown fluffy hair, grey jacket over a dark t-shirt, sneakers. He looked human. He looked…he looked a bit like her. Not a lot. The hair was different, the eyes too; but the face structure, the chin, the nose… She shook her head, running her hands through her messy hair. “Oh my God, I’ve lost it. I’ve finally lost it. I thought I had at least ten more years, but nope, this is it, I’m going crazy and I’m gonna end up like Mom or in some institution or—”
“Okay, stop.” When had the boy materialised in front of her? His hand was outstretched in an attempt to calm her, but Natalie flinched back, and he pulled his hand away, looking guilty. “You’re not crazy. At least, I don’t think you are.”
Natalie gaped at him. “You’re my brother.”
“The one and only.”
Natalie leaned her head against the wall, keeping her distance but not daring to look away. “You’re my brother.”
“I think we established that.”
“Holy shit. Holy shit, wait. Okay, hold on. Stop.” She sat bolt upright, head spinning. “Where the fuck do I even start?”
Her brother winced. “Maybe start by lowering your voice so you don’t wake Dad.”
Dad. Someone else using that word to refer to the same person. It was such a tiny detail, but Natalie’s heart was doing backflips and her brain was about to explode. She had a brother. She didn’t know for sure if she was hallucinating or dreaming or whatever, but this had never happened before, so she would play along with whatever the fuck was going on, whether it was all in her head or not. “Um…do you have a name?” she asked, trying to keep her voice quiet. Dad was a light sleeper.
He frowned, settling cross-legged onto the other end of Natalie’s bed. The weight didn’t shift, the blankets didn’t crease. “They didn’t tell you?”
She shook her head. “They never really talked about you much.” Which was ironic considering all the attention he got.
“It’s Gabriel,” he replied with a sad smile. “Gabe for short.”
Gabriel. Gabe. Natalie mouthed the letters, taking in the new information. Then: “That’s a stupid name.”
Gabe raised an eyebrow. “Seriously? That’s all you have to say?”
“I’m being dead serious,” Natalie replied. She back-tracked with a wince. “Sorry, poor choice of words. But I mean, why not something cool like… like Aaron, or Curt, or Jack? Why Gabe?”
“Maybe after the angel Gabriel?” he suggested, putting his palms together in mock prayer.
“Are you an angel?”
“Nah. At least, I don’t think so.”
“What are you then?” Natalie shifted a little closer, clutching her pillow to her chest. She still kept a wary distance, but found herself leaning forward to hear his answer anyway. It almost felt like having a sleepover and sharing whispered secrets when the parents were asleep.
“To be honest? I’m not really sure myself.”
“How enlightening,” Natalie replied drily.
Gabe shrugged. “Wish I could tell you. I guess you could say I’m something between a ghost and a figment of your imagination.”
If anything, his explanation only confused her more. “So, when Mom saw you…were you really there? Why couldn’t we see you?”
Gabe looked troubled. He pulled his hands up into his sleeves, making sweater paws, and twisted them around awkwardly. The gesture was so inherently human that Natalie had to remind herself that he wasn’t actually, well, human? Alive? Whatever word there was to describe it. “Grief is a tricky thing,” Gabe began. “And it’s kind of hard to explain something even I don’t understand.”
“Help me out here,” Natalie said exasperatedly. “Were you really there, all this time? Was Mom not crazy after all? Can’t you just say yes or no?”
“Yes and no,” Gabe replied, eliciting a groan from Natalie. “And Mom was never crazy, she’s just…sick. She was never supposed to see me.” He paused, letting Natalie take in his words. “From what I understand,” he said slowly, “when you lose someone you love, you grieve, right? Well, part of that is accepting that they’re gone forever. Mom couldn’t do that.”
Natalie nodded slowly. Only a few hours ago, her mother had told her that her brother had died when he was eight months old. Natalie had realised then that she had never heard that word, died, leaving her mothers lips. She had always lived in her own little world where her son was still alive, and every reminder that that was not the case had sent her spiralling.
“Which is why she sees me. Until she accepts that I’m gone, she’ll always be able to see me. And I think she knows that, which is why she struggles to recover. I’m a comfort to her. Without me, she has nothing to hold on to.”
Natalie picked at her thumbnail thoughtfully. “So…why can I see you? How can I grieve someone I’ve never met?”
“Maybe you’re grieving what could have been.”
Natalie furrowed her eyebrows. “You’re pretty wise for a baby.”
Gabe crossed his arms. “I’ve existed for longer than you have. Technically I’m eighteen.”
“I bet you don’t know a single pop culture reference.”
“Well, there’s not exactly much entertainment in the world of the dead.”
Natalie leaned forward in interest. “Is there an afterlife? Can you interact with other ghosts?”
“Not exactly, and no. I can only really exist when one of you guys subconsciously allows me to. Usually Mom. The rest of the time it’s just…nothing. The Void.” Gabe shuddered. “I can only exist within someone else’s consciousness. It’s like waking up from a long nap.”
“Oh.” Natalie stared at her crumpled bedsheets. “That’s kinda scary.”
Gabe nodded. “Yeah. I never really know when I’ll be forgotten, but when it happens, I guess it’ll be like dying a second time. Just less painful.”
“I don’t think you’ll ever be forgotten,” Natalie murmured.
“Still. Can you blame me for being scared?”
Natalie shrugged, still staring at her bedsheets.
Gabe was silent for a moment. “Dad sees me too, you know.”
Natalie’s head snapped up. “Since when?”
“It started not long after Mom’s first episodes. He never really grieved me either, though he was better at hiding it.”
Oh. So both Natalie’s parents had been seeing their dead son for the past sixteen years. No wonder they never noticed her.
“Earlier, in the kitchen,” Gabe’s voice was brittle, and Natalie saw his eyes shining, “he finally looked at me. I always knew he could see me because sometimes, I appeared when Mom wasn’t around, but he would just ignore me. No matter what I did. Even when I got right up in his face and yelled at him, he would just look right through me, like I wasn’t there. But I saw it in his eyes. He knew I was there. And today, he said my name for the first time since I died. He finally noticed me.” Gabe’s lip wobbled, a tear slipping down his cheek. He clutched his stomach, curling in on himself. “And then you came. And just like that, he pretended I wasn’t there again. He was about to touch me, Natalie. Do you know how long I’ve wanted to hug him? I wanted my dad, and then he pulled his hand away at the last moment.” More tears spilled down.
“How do you think I felt these past sixteen years?” Natalie replied, feeling a lump rise in her throat too. “Never being truly acknowledged? At least you got Mom’s attention. Dad tried, but he was always busy looking after Mom. And Mom forgot I existed, so, welcome to my world,” she said flatly.
“At least you’re alive,” Gabe muttered, wiping his face with his sleeve.
Natalie glared at him. “Are you trying to guilt-trip me?”
“I’m stating a fact.”
“You’re totally guilt-tripping.”
“Am not.”
“Are too.”
“Am not.”
Natalie paused. “Does this count as a sibling fight?”
Gabe laughed weakly at that, and for some reason, it made Natalie feel warm inside. “Maybe?”
She twisted her bedsheets thoughtfully. “I’m sorry about the kitchen thing,” she said eventually. “That sucks.”
He nodded. “It does. And it’s okay, you couldn’t have known.”
Natalie thought back to the scene, finding her father absolutely distraught. Looking back, he had seemed a little out of sorts, a bit like Mom when she had an episode. Then another thing dawned on her, and she touched her hand softly. “Did you…?”
“Yeah. I did.” Gabe touched his own hand, mirroring her action. “I didn’t think you’d feel it. It was my last hope, I guess, since Mom left and Dad pretended I wasn’t there again.”
“Nice to know I’m your last option.”
“Not what I meant.”
“Whatever.”
Gabe groaned. “You’re annoying,” he said, though his voice was affectionate. “Anyway, like I said, I wasn't expecting you to react. Hence why I’m here now. Sometimes I get a bit of time to wander before I’m condemned back to The Void, so I thought I’d test how far I can go. And here we are.”
“Here we are,” Natalie echoed. She tried desperately not to think too much about the insanity of the situation, or she might genuinely freak out. “If I touch you, will you feel it, or will my hand just go right through you like some creepy-ass ghost?”
“I can feel it,” he confirmed, looking forlorn. “Mom always gave the best hugs.”
Natalie scooted closer to him on the bed, lifting her hand hesitantly. Gabe watched her every movement intently, going cross-eyed as she moved her finger towards his nose slowly. She booped it. He felt real. His skin was cold, but also soft and squishy, like any other human nose. It was weird. “Can I hug you?” she asked tentatively. He nodded. Natalie awkwardly leaned forward to wrap her arms around his middle, resting her chin on his shoulder. After a moment, she felt two hands at her back, returning the embrace. She let out a small sob. It had been a while since someone had hugged her like this, and of all people to do it, it was her dead brother. Maybe all of this was just a touch starvation-induced hallucination.
When they pulled apart, Gabe’s eyes were glistening again. “That was nice,” he whispered.
“Yeah,” she replied quietly. She sniffled and wiped away a stray tear, smiling. “Let’s talk about something happy, please.”
“Okay. What makes you happy?”
“These days? Henry.”
“Oh, really?” Gabe waggled his eyebrows. “He is cute. To be honest, I was kinda jealous the first time you brought him home.”
“Jealous? Why would you be— oh.” She snorted. “You should change your surname to ‘Itch’.”
“Why would I…?” Gabe furrowed his eyebrows, mouthing something. Natalie watched in glee as the realisation dawned on his face. “Hey, that’s homophobic!”
“First of all, I’m bi, so that would be self-hatred. Second, I’m surprised you even know about the concept of homophobia,” Natalie retorted.
“I am an all-knowing entity.”
“I doubt that.”
“Try me.”
“Okay, I’ll start with something simple. What’s the square root of 64?”
Gabe crossed his arms. “That’s mean, you know I never went to school.”
Natalie smirked. “So, not all-knowing, then.”
Gabe rolled his eyes. “I didn’t realise sisters could be so annoying.”
“You can be annoying too, you know.”
“When have I ever annoyed you?”
“You want the full list?”
“You know what? Yeah, yeah I do.”
Natalie began to count on her fingers. “Basically overshadowed me my entire life. Got all Mom’s attention since the day you were born. Showed up in my room and scared the shit out of me. Guilt-tripped me with the “I’m dead” card. Called my boyfriend cute. Called yourself an all-knowing entity. Do you want me to go on?”
Gabe sighed. “Fine, you can have that one.”
Natalie pumped her fist. “Okay, wait, I know I said happy topics, but I have a question.”
"Shoot.”
“If you can feel other people’s touch, can you also feel pain?”
“Why, are you gonna slap me?” he asked warily.
“Only if you give me reason to.”
“Comforting. And yeah, sometimes. Which sucks, because I thought being dead would mean I felt nothing, but I guess not. I think people like me, who are stuck in this weird in-between state, can feel the echoes of their death. Like, someone who got shot would probably feel the bullet wound. At least, that’s my theory.”
“And for you, it’s…stomach pains?”
Gabe nodded, and winced a little, clutching his stomach again. “I can ignore it most of the time, but talking about it makes it worse. Or when I’m upset. It brings back bad memories.”
“Noted, changing the subject.”
“It’s fine. You can ask questions if you want.” Gabe spread his arms out in a mocking gesture. “I’m here for as long as you want me to be.”
“Do you wanna go back to The Void yet?”
Gabe looked uncomfortable. “Not particularly. But you should sleep, or at least try to get some rest.”
“I don’t think I’ll be able to.”
“I’ll stay until you fall asleep,” Gabe said softly. “And when you do, I’ll fall asleep, too. Kind of.”
“The Void,” Natalie murmured.
“The Void,” Gabe agreed.
With an unspoken “fine”, Natalie burrowed back under her covers, and Gabe moved to sit beside her bed. “Want me to tuck you in?” he asked half-jokingly.
“I’m sixteen, I don’t need to be tucked in.”
“You’re never too old to be tucked in.”
“I’m good, thanks.”
Gabe lifted his hands in surrender. “Okay, okay.” He paused. “Want me to stroke your hair? Mom used to play with my hair, so I know it feels nice.”
Natalie widened her eyes from where her face was smooshed against her pillow. “You’d do that for me?”
“If you’re gonna be weird about it, I’ll retract my offer.”
“No, wait. I’d like that,” Natalie said quickly. “Mom never did that for me.” Until a few hours ago, when I was crying in her arms. Right before she decided to leave. She pushed the thought away.
Gabe raised a tentative hand and ran it over Natalie’s tangled curls gently. His touch was so soft it made her want to cry. She hadn’t realised until now how much she craved this kind of tenderness. That someone would do such a simple thing, just to make her feel cared for. To feel loved.
“How do I know you won’t be gone when I wake up?” she asked quietly.
“You don’t.” She couldn’t see his face in the dark, but he sounded sad. “But I hope this isn’t the last time you see me.”
Natalie was silent for a moment, letting herself enjoy the feeling of his hand caressing her hair. She thought of her mother and her episodes. She thought of her father crying in the kitchen. Then she thought of the conversation, the hug, the warm feeling in her chest. “Me too,” she replied.
When she woke up, he was gone.