Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

In the days following Christmas, both Tomoe and Nanami had to stay at their respective shrines, scrambling to prepare. Despite Mikage having returned, Nanami didn’t want to abandon her first shrine and the first place that had welcomed her into a family, into a warm and loving home. So she and Mizuki both put in hard work to deep clean the shrine and the surrounding buildings, leaving her sore and aching. All the while, Mikage kept out of it, instead focusing on his own preparations, not so much as asking them to lift a finger. She doubted he would’ve asked for help anyway, seeing what a kind and giving god he was.

Even though she and Tomoe made it a point to see each other every day — with him transporting to Mikage shrine since it was easier for him to go back and forth — she still missed him. As December ended, she saw less and less of him, to the point that she thought she wouldn’t see him again until after New Year’s. And even though she knew it was just their duties calling them away from each other, she couldn’t fight the melancholy that grew day by day.

Today was the thirtieth, and she found herself drooping over her bed and staring at her phone while she took a break from preparations. She kept clicking through her photo gallery, looking at every picture of him, the hole in her chest widening. At last, she heaved a miserable sigh and snapped her phone shut, sagging into the bedding.

All of the sudden, a breeze entered the room, nothing more than a whisper but noticeable all the same. A presence imposed on her, a combination of hot and cold energy, and she immediately shot up, her eyes opening. There, right before her futon, stood Tomoe. With a cry, she scrambled from her bed and rushed to greet him.

“You came!” She flung her arms around his neck, clinging to him, her heart lodging in her throat.

He wrapped his arms around her in return, his blood pressure decreasing as he finally was able to hold his wife. In reality, it hadn’t been that long since they’d seen each other, but after Rekka’s defeat, being apart was too stressful. All he longed for was to keep her at his side, where he could see her, where he could touch her and know that she was safe.

“Of course I did,” he murmured, rubbing her back. “I missed you terribly.”

“I missed you too.” She squeezed her eyes shut, burying her nose and mouth in his shoulder. “It’s funny but I was even starting to get lonely.” Here, she uttered a laugh. “How does that make sense? I’ve got Mikage, Mizuki, Onikiri and Kotetsu, Mamoru…”

“And I have Hisoka, but he is not my wife.” A small smile flickered over Tomoe’s lips, and he held her more securely. “I have spent the better part of my life with him anyway. I needed a change.” He chuckled, bringing a strand of her hair to his lips, kissing it.

“Yeah, I get it. There’s no one else like you.” She hummed a little, pressing even closer to his body. “How’s work going? Are you almost ready?”

At this, he exhaled a lengthy sigh. “I have had quite an influx of work and my list seems to grow bigger by the hour. It is impossible to finish ahead of time.”

She pulled back a little to look at him, concerned. “Do you need help?”

He shook his head. “No, I have managed for hundreds of years; I know what to expect.” Smiling, eyes softening, he threaded his fingers through her hair and cradled her head in his palm. “Do not fret, Nanami. I will be just fine. It is not as though I am all alone in preparing.”

A light frown creased her brow, and she stared at the collar of his kimono, studying how the layers folded. For some reason, she felt a small sting in her chest. “Yeah, but I know it’s not easy.”

“And I know how important Mikage shrine is to you,” he countered. “You would feel guilty if you were not involved, would you not?”

He knew her too well, she thought with a small laugh. “Yeah, like I miss you so much, but I can’t just leave it to do whatever I want, you know?”

“I do know.” He pressed a kiss to her forehead. “And I understand. Your god duties must come first.”

Something about his words struck her, leaving her a little more hollow inside. Of course she wanted to uphold her duties the best she could, but a part of her wished that he would do what he’d done in the past — and ask her to come with him, to come home. For so long, he’d been adamant that he wanted her to return with him, to leave the shrine in Mikage’s capable hands, and she’d hesitated. She’d made a promise to Mikage that she would look over the shrine, that she’d take care of the people he’d left behind, that she wouldn’t leave anyone who depended on her. It didn’t seem like Tomoe depended on her, and she couldn’t help but wish that he would — just a little bit.

She blurted out, “Would you ask for help if you needed it?”

Surprised, he blinked. “I have never needed help with this—”

“No, I mean, if you did, would you ask me?” She gripped his haori, staring up at him with large eyes, her mouth twisted downwards in a frown.

His ears flicked backwards, and he averted his gaze. Maybe she didn’t believe that he would be fine. “Of course we will always support each other,” he said, choosing his words carefully. “But I truly am all right.” Here, he dropped his chin, leaning closer to her face, his voice quieting. “Are you all right?”

A lump came to her throat, tight and stifling, but she nodded all the same. She didn’t even know why it made her feel so bad, because nothing was truly wrong. “Yeah, I’ll be fine,” she said faintly.

At the waver in her voice, the twitch at the corner of her forced smile, he lifted a brow. “Mmm, is that so?”

His skeptical tone made her blush; of course she couldn’t hide it from him. “I mean…I will be,” she emphasized. “I’m just feeling a little sensitive right now. I don’t really have a reason for it.” With a weak smile, she shrugged.

His gaze softened. “I suppose that is not surprising. You are still trying to find your place. After all, it has not been so long since you were freed from Rekka.”

“Yeah, maybe…” She swallowed back her feelings, even though she felt like choking on them. Not being needed felt so much worse than she’d expected it to, although she didn’t know what she would’ve done had he requested her help. She already had enough on her plate as it was.

Sensing that Nanami’s mood hadn’t lifted, Tomoe pressed her against his chest, tucking her head under his chin. “It will only be a few more days. We will return to normal soon.”

At this, she nodded, squeezing her eyes shut, leaning her cheek against his collarbone. After everything they’d been through, it was difficult to be without him. A part of her even wondered if her attachment to him had grown excessive, but she just couldn’t help it. 

Still, he’d made it clear that they needed to focus on duty and responsibility right now. And she didn’t want to selfishly cling to him when he had so much to do. 

“Will you call me when you get back?” she asked, barely audible.

His ears pricked a little higher. “Hm?”

“I mean, I know you can’t stay long, right?” She injected a smile into her tone, even if it was bittersweet. How she longed to be by his side. “You don’t even have to say anything. I just want to know that you’re there.”

Without hesitation, he replied, “Why, of course. I would not mind.” Here, he offered a smile, bringing a hand up to the back of her head, cradling her closer. “I am always here for you.”

His words should’ve soothed the anxiety knotting in her midst, but for some reason, they didn’t. A tiny voice in the back of her head whispered that she was useless, and a twinge entered her chest. Tomoe hadn’t even pushed her away, she chided herself. It was just something she’d have to deal with, knowing it was only temporary.

For now, she embraced him and soaked up every second she had with him. It was likely the last day she’d see him until after the third of January.

—

The short visit hadn’t lifted her mood at all. In fact, it only made her ache all the more. She hadn’t expected to be so depressed that they wouldn’t be spending New Year’s together, but nothing could be done — they both needed to be available for the worshippers who would begin arriving at midnight. Perhaps Mikage noticed her gloom as night fell on New Year’s Eve, because around nine o’ clock, he approached her with a furrowed brow and a sympathetic expression.

“Nanami-san,” he said, sitting across from her at the table. She barely looked at him, holding her cheek in a hand, idly chewing on a stick of pocky. “If you want to spend New Year’s with Tomoe, you can. You should be with him.”

She shook her head, closing her eyes and sighing. She didn’t even have the taste for sweets, she thought, pulling the pocky stick from her mouth. “I should be here,” she said. “You guys are my family too. And this is still my shrine.”

Smiling softly, Mikage said delicately, “Of course you are always welcome, but your jurisdiction moved, remember? I think Tomoe-kun could use your help. He’s going to have more visitors than we are.” When Nanami only glanced at him dully, he continued, “You can act as Tomoe’s proxy.”

The sense of duty weighed on her, tugging her in two directions. Her only gauge as to which was the correct choice was how her chest hurt when she yearned to be with Tomoe. It had to mean that the right thing to do was the selfless choice. “Yeah, I guess. But I still feel like I should help out here.”

“I understand that you have an attachment to this shrine,” Mikage said, speaking slowly. “But Tomoe needs you tonight. He’s your husband.” He watched Nanami nod and stare at the wall. “Nanami-san, don’t take this the wrong way because if it weren’t for this situation, I’d love to have you here with me. But he’s your family — officially. Go be with him.”

A flicker of guilt settled thickly in the pit of her stomach. Despite Mikage’s words that she shouldn’t take it personally, that he’d love to have her there, it stung all the same. And how could it not? This god had given her refuge and purpose during a period of her life when she’d lost everything, but just like everything else, it had only been a loan. She’d only been offered godhood because her situation had been tenuous and Mikage wasn’t currently living at the shrine, but now that he’d returned, she couldn’t shake the feeling.  

He didn’t need her here; she didn’t belong here anymore. It felt like being kicked out of her house all over again, yet another father figure wanting her out of his life. As if tonight could get any crummier, she thought.

Likely sensing her plummeting mood, Mikage continued. “I don’t mean to hurt your feelings. I care for you like my own child. But don’t you think Tomoe might be feeling hurt that you don’t want to be with him tonight?”

“Yeah, I thought about that,” she admitted, another sting of guilt piercing her. “I felt bad either way, but I chose to be here since it was where I became a god. I felt like it was my responsibility. And he understood; he said it was okay.”

“Just because he said it was okay doesn’t mean he’s not hurt,” Mikage pointed out, offering her a kind smile. “He’s been hurt ever since I returned. Your responsibility is with him now but you kept choosing to be here instead. I’m sure he told you at some point.”

That was true, Nanami thought. Even if Mikage tried to assure her, she couldn’t shake how bad this felt, how it ripped open barely stitched wounds. Feebly, she nodded. It was hard to accept that this wasn’t her shrine anymore, even if he said she could stay here. But it felt like she’d overstayed her welcome. She blinked rapidly.

“I appreciate everything you’ve done and all you’ve put in the last few days,” Mikage said, reaching out to touch her arm, his hand warm and affectionate. “Don’t think I don’t. And when New Year’s is over, you’re welcome to visit.”

“Yeah.” Nanami nodded robotically.

Mikage didn’t want her here. It wasn’t fair to run to Tomoe and cry on him over this, but the deep ache it brought to her chest was too much for her to bear alone. He’d said she could tell him anything, even if it was supposed to be a happy occasion. He’d told her that was what marriage was about. She couldn’t help but wonder why he hadn’t insisted that she should be with him tonight, especially since he had expressed how he wanted her to come back to his shrine. Maybe he didn’t want her either. After all, she always seemed to cause him trouble.

“Go on. I won’t be alone,” Mikage assured her. “The shrine spirits are with me.”

Since he kept saying that, kept pushing her to leave, she decided to take the hint. Besides, she didn’t want him to see her cry. “Okay, I’ll go.” She forced a smile, bowing slightly. “Thanks for letting me stay.”

“Of course.” Mikage offered another smile, this one slightly tense, but she didn’t stick around for him to probe any more. Instead, she went by her room to pack her things.

In between stuffing clothes into her bag, she texted Tomoe. “I’m coming home.” She didn’t feel up to explaining why right now, because if she so much as thought about it, she’d burst into tears. This wasn’t her home anymore. Mikage had made that clear. Now Tomoe’s shrine was the only place she had left.

Right before she finished, there was a knock on the doorframe. She paused, turning her head towards the door. “Come in,” she said dismally.

The door slid open, revealing Mizuki, who smiled at her almost sadly. “Hey, Mikage said you were leaving.”

“Yeah.” She drooped, turning around, unable to look at him. He was her best friend; he was family too. But things between them were different now that they were both married and Mikage was back.

Immediately, Mizuki knelt to help her pack. “Okay, I’ll help you and then we can go.” He offered a warm smile.

Watching him, she thought about how Mikage might feel to be alone on New Year’s. Even if he had the shrine spirits, it wasn’t the same. Besides, Mizuki had been separated from him for twenty years. Mikage had been his master before, so of course he’d be more attentive towards him and the shrine tonight. She couldn’t take that away from them.

Without looking at him, instead folding a shirt, she said, “You should stay here and help Mikage.” It hurt, but she couldn’t be selfish.

“What? But Nanami-chan—!” His eyes were wide.

“Mikage needs you,” she said, even though it wasn’t what she wanted at all. She wanted to know he was still by her side too. “I don’t want him to be alone. He’ll need help.”

“But you look so sad,” he said, brow furrowing in sympathy. “I hate it when you look so sad.” She said nothing, packing the last of her schoolbooks and zipping her bag. “I want to be with you tonight. And I don’t want you to walk alone—”

She shook her head. “I’ll be fine.” Shutting her eyes momentarily, she offered a wan smile. “Please stay and spend time with Mikage.”

Looking worried, Mizuki opened his mouth, but she shook her head again. A beat passed, and he stared down at the clothing he’d been folding. “Is that really what you want?”

No, she thought, but she clenched her jaw. “Yeah, but it’s not because I don’t want to be with you! You’re my family.” Leaning over, she wrapped her arms around his neck and hugged him. Without hesitation, he hugged her back.

“I’ll come see you tomorrow, okay?” Mizuki promised. “At least we got to spend half of New Year’s Eve together, right?” 

She failed to respond beyond a nod, the lump in her throat preventing her from speaking. Instead, she stood, shouldering her duffel bag and her school bag, then scooped Mamoru up from her vanity, setting him on her shoulder. If she stayed any longer, she wouldn’t be able to contain her feelings any more. Over her shoulder, she tossed him a smile. “That’s fine. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

A weak smile flickered over his mouth and he rose as well. “I promise I’ll come by. I’ll bring you a treat, okay?”

She shook her head. “You don’t have to do that.”

“I want to!” he insisted, walking with her down the hall and to the front doors. “Will you accept it?”

Although manners stated she should decline again, she didn’t have the strength to do so. “Okay.” She drew a deep breath. Inside her bag, her phone buzzed with a text, but she couldn’t bring herself to look at it. If Tomoe told her she should stay here, she’d break completely. It was best to show up. If he wanted to reject her, he’d have to do it in person. “Have a good night. Happy New Year’s.”

“Happy New Year’s, Nanami-chan.” Mizuki smiled again, but she couldn’t meet his eyes, instead closing hers so he couldn’t see the tears building.

With that, she descended the steps and walked down the path to the torii gate, not bothering to look behind her where Mizuki no doubt lingered in the doorway. She waited until she’d reached the sidewalk before she drew the back of her hand over her eyes, shoulders shaking as the tears escaped.

—

The whole way home, she cried, unable to help it. She didn’t want Tomoe to see her like this and think she didn’t want to see him. But she’d been rejected; she’d been kicked out. Nothing could hurt more than that. It tore open those barely healed scabs, her thoughts drifting to her father, how he’d never been there — and how when he had been there, he’d ignored her. He’d abandoned her; it was because of him that she’d been evicted from the only home she’d had. And she could hardly call that place a home anyway.

Being pushed out after daring to form an attachment, after daring to think someone loved her, hurt far worse. Her chest ached with every breath, and despite her best efforts, she could only cry harder the closer she got. Inwardly, she prayed Tomoe wouldn’t turn her away, that he wouldn’t tell her the same thing about how she should be at Mikage shrine that night. Or, worse, that he didn’t need her. She climbed the steps, limbs feeling weighted.

Much to her surprise, when she lifted her head, she found him sitting on the veranda of the main shrine with Hisoka. Even from across the yard, she could see the sake jar between them. Usually, she’d run to him, but tonight, she could only drag herself, dread settling in her stomach. “Please don’t reject me too,” she thought, swallowing hard.

Tomoe had been surprised to receive her text that she was coming home. Not only had it been unexpected, but the word she’d used — home — had shaken him as well. Up until now, she’d seemed to consider Mikage shrine her home, having wanted to spend all her time there. He’d tried to ask her if she was okay, but she hadn’t replied to his text. Now that she trudged up the path, her shoulders sloped and her chin lowered, he knew she wasn’t okay.

Concern furrowing his brow, he set his sake cup down and stood. He stepped forward to meet her, catching the hint of salt in the wind. She was crying. That was confirmed as he heard her sniff, albeit doing her best to be discreet. Eyes softening, he met her halfway and put his hands on her shoulders. She didn’t look at him, her posture stiff. Although he could’ve taken it to mean she didn’t want to be with him tonight, by now, he knew her well enough.

Pulling her into his arms, he asked, “What is wrong?”

Hanging her head, she dropped her forehead against his chest, fresh tears stinging her eyes. As much as she’d told herself she wouldn’t cry, she couldn’t help it. He was being so nice to her. But that didn’t mean anything yet, because Mikage had also tried to let her down gently. She found she couldn’t reply, instead struggling to hold her tears back.

Usually, Nanami would burst out whatever was on her mind, impulsive and unbridled. But today she went limp in his arms, not even bothering to return his embrace. The only thing that assured him she accepted his affections was the fact that she leaned against him. “Nanami?” He slipped his fingers through her hair. Something about her aura felt devastated, like she’d been wrecked. “My love?”

Chin quivering, she clutched his sleeves, drawing in a shaky breath. “I’m sorry,” was what she wanted to say, but she found she couldn’t speak. Because as soon as she opened her mouth, an embarrassing sob escaped. Worse, it didn’t stop there. The dam broke and she pressed her face deeper into his kimono, sobbing so hard she couldn’t breathe, her chest hitching in painful, shallow breaths that provided no oxygen at all.

He wrapped his arms more tightly around her. From the moment she’d only used three words to text him — sans emoji or enthusiasm — he’d known something was wrong. But to see her break down like this in his arms killed him. To see the one he loved in so much pain was heartbreaking.

His tone softened, just above a whisper, aching. “Sweet Nanami, what happened?” He doubted she could tell him in this state, but perhaps by showing concern, she’d calm down enough to talk.

She didn’t. When she only continued those gut-wrenching sobs, he released a pained sigh, rubbing the back of her head in slow, soothing motions. This wasn’t how she should start the new year. He buried his mouth in the top of her hair, nuzzling her, wondering what had gotten her into such a state when the worst was behind them.

For several minutes, he stood still, kissing the top of her hair, letting her soak his kimono with her tears, crying openly against him. He held her close, stroking her hair, rubbing her back. The more she cried, the more helpless he felt — he couldn’t seem to soothe her.

After about five more minutes of this, he spoke again, voice low. “Nanami, my love,” he murmured, hoping the pet names would calm her down, “I am worried. Please don’t cry. Whatever is wrong, I am here for you. I will help you.”

He was so kind, she thought, breath hitching. So far, he hadn’t turned her away, but that didn’t mean he wouldn’t. Mikage had also acted kindly towards her. But he had left her too. That finally drew barely coherent words from her, her voice wavering so badly she could hardly even make her own words out. “Everyone leaves me. Everyone.” She clutched his sleeves, digging her fingers into it, her body jolting with her breaths. “Maybe it’s my f-fault.” The last part she wanted to say — “you’ll leave me too” — wouldn’t come out. Not just yet. She couldn’t stop crying long enough to speak.

It took Tomoe a moment to realize what she’d said, and then he sighed again, shaky and upset. Something had happened. Something that had triggered her abandonment fears again. “Nanami—” he tried.

She spoke over him, now barrelling on. “I’m always rejected,” she cried. “I must be so useless. It’s only a matter of time before everyone goes away.”

His brow furrowed, eyes regarding her softly, but she didn’t move her face. Despite the fact she was getting snot on him, he didn’t let her go. “Not everyone,” he said, rubbing her back more firmly. “I am here. I will always be here.”

This was where she broke, unable to stand it. “You’ll leave too,” she bawled. “Who would want to be with me for eternity? No one can stand me even for a few years.”

“No,” he said, “I would never.” He squeezed her. “I love you more than anything. More than anything in all the worlds.”

“Y-you’ll find something you don’t like about me.” She sniffed loudly, unattractively. “And then you’ll leave.”

Not this again. In the past, he might’ve been upset that she wasn’t hearing him but today — after all the pain they’d endured — he didn’t feel irate at all. “No,” he said, shaking his head. “We have been together for nearly a year. We have seen each other at our worst. We have laughed and cried and hurt and loved each other. I know who you are. I know your faults, yes — but I also know your strengths.” He nuzzled the top of her head again. “Believe what you want, but you are so precious to me. I adore you.”

Unable to focus on his assurances, she continued, “I know you say that yokai have a physical bond, but you thought you loved Yukiji,” she cried. “What if it’s the same with me?”

“Yukiji deceived me,” he pointed out. “The person I thought she was and the love I believed she harbored for me were false.” He stroked her hair. “But you have proven it. You have done so much for me and you have stuck by my side even when I was undeserving of forgiveness. How could I not love you?”

She had no ammunition left to refute this statement, so she only nodded, another sob pulling from deep within her chest. He was being so nice to her. There wasn’t even a hint of annoyance in his tone.

Since she didn’t seem to have anything more to add, he spoke again. “Who rejected you? Who made you feel this way?” He had a feeling, but he didn’t say it yet, in case she wasn’t ready to talk about it.

“I g-got kicked out,” she stammered. “Mikage doesn’t want me around anymore.” She sniffed, her voice a higher pitch.

So that was it, Tomoe thought. Now not only her hurt made sense, but also her sudden distrust of his loyalty. He clenched his teeth. No wonder Nanami thought he’d leave too, because if Mikage had filled the role of a father in her life only to send her away, then she’d believe the same of him.

He growled. “Our relationship is different, Nanami. And I am a yokai. We don’t forget our loved ones. We don’t neglect our mates.” He pulled his head back slightly, but she still cried into his kimono. “I will never reject you. Never. You always have a home with me.”

She nodded against his chest but didn’t respond yet, too upset to tell him the full story. Reminding herself that he didn’t just say things, that he didn’t take such proclamations lightly, she did her best to calm down. Still, she couldn’t speak, now attempting to sniff. Her nose was completely blocked.

Taking pity on her, he said softly, “Come inside. It is cold and it is going to snow. I do not want you to get sick.” He released her, trailing gentle hands over her shoulders so she wouldn’t take it to mean rejection as well. Just in case she misconstrued it in her fragile state, he pulled his haori off and draped it around her shoulders, then laid a hand in the middle of her upper back, urging her towards his quarters. “I will make you hot cocoa with toasted marshmallows. You would like that, wouldn’t you?”

Snorting through her snot, she nodded, reaching up a hand to wipe her tear-stained cheeks. For a moment, she allowed herself to indulge in the thought that he did love her. It was something she needed so badly.

He helped her to the veranda and then slid the door open, ushering her inside the warmer space. There, he eased her onto a cushion at the table, then got to work on fixing her drink. Sitting at the table, he conjured the items he needed, using his foxfire to heat milk. She said nothing the entire time he made her hot cocoa, her eyes vacant and glued to the table. As he toasted her marshmallows with another handful of foxfire, he noticed she hadn’t taken his haori off, instead holding tightly to the edge of it with one hand.

Flicking a sympathetic gaze towards her, he placed the marshmallows on top and then set the mug in front of her. She murmured a thank you, but she only wrapped her hands around it. They looked red and raw from the cold, and he noticed the tremor rippling through them. Worried she’d get sick, he rose and dug through his things until he found an old space heater, from the time before he’d had heating installed. Although he could stand the cold, it didn’t mean he found it pleasant. Heat was easier for him to tolerate.

He plugged it in and set it by her side, turning it to a comfortable temperature. Poor Nanami, he thought, resting his chin in his hand, putting a marshmallow in his mouth so she wouldn’t feel alone partaking of food and drink. “Are you comfortable?” he finally asked. “Can I get you anything else?”

She shook her head, sniffing again, warming her hands on the mug. The heater felt nice, and her tears began to evaporate. He’d welcomed her with open arms — literally, she thought. If she thought back to what Mikage had said — that Tomoe was her real family — she realized it was true. Maybe she had no one else in the whole wide world, but this man had done everything to be by her side.

Reaching up a fist, she rubbed an eye, feeling another wave of emotion crashing over her. “I love you,” she said in a wavering voice.

His eyes softened. “I love you too.” He laid a hand on her arm, giving it a squeeze. “I am sorry you got hurt — and on New Year’s of all things.” He sighed. This was supposed to be a new beginning for them. Instead, she’d been deeply wounded. “I wish I could take your pain away.”

“It’s okay,” she said softly. “Thanks for being nice to me.” Since he’d gone to the trouble of making her something to drink, she finally lifted it and took a sip. Much to her surprise, she found he’d heated it to the perfect temperature; she hadn’t needed to let it cool after all. He was always so considerate. Then, remembering what Mikage had said, she wondered if she’d hurt him in the same way. Ashamed, she shut her eyes, hanging her head. “I’m sorry if I hurt you.”

He blinked. “Hurt me?”

“Yeah. Because I was gonna stay at Mikage shrine for New Year’s.” She heaved a shuddering sigh and took another sip of her drink. “It wasn’t that I didn’t want to be with you tonight — I did — but I didn’t want to abandon the shrine either.” But they hadn’t needed her after all, she thought with a small, hitched breath.

Before she could go on another crying jag, he shook his head, stroking her arm. “No, it is all right. I understand.” He shifted closer, pressing a tender kiss to her cheek. “It is as I have told you — as a god, those duties should be your priority.”

“But you say I’m your priority,” she said, finally snapping a tearful gaze to him. “Shouldn’t I make you mine?”

A tiny smile twitched on his lips and he shook his head. “It is different. I am bound by the contract — well, two contracts.” As her face began to twist, he realized — that had been the wrong thing to say. With a small sigh, he tacked on, “You would be one of my priorities regardless of the contracts, so do not think it means any of this is fake.” He reached up, tucking a strand of her hair behind her ear. “No matter what the reason — whether it is the contract or my physical bond to you as a yokai — don’t think it cheapens what I feel for you. It is all very real to me.”

Unable to help it, a shaky laugh left her and she nodded, smiling tightly through her tears. “Thank you, Tomoe.”

“Of course.” He smiled, shutting his eyes and pressing her head closer, kissing her temple. “Now drink up, get warm, and we will still make tonight a celebration. Things will be better this year, I promise.” He kissed her again.

However, he knew that words couldn’t possibly be enough. She’d told him that she’d wanted him to ask her for help if he needed it. Earlier, she’d expressed that she was useless, and that was a reason she was pushed out. Everyone needed a purpose, he thought. And it really wouldn’t hurt to ask.

“Would you help me prepare for the new year tonight?” he smiled down at her. “Something tells me that this shrine will receive prayers for you as well.”

Hope surged through her and her breath caught. Then, a slow smile scrawled over her mouth. “Yeah, I’d really like that.” A fuzzy sensation filled her chest, and she leaned her head against his shoulder, comfort wrapping around her like a soft blanket. 

No matter how many times she slipped into this state of mind — fearing rejection, feeling inadequate — Tomoe was always there. He offered something that no one had since her mother had died — the total acceptance despite her flaws, the warm hugs, the comfort through the simple gestures, even if it was only a cup of tea. He always took care of her in a way she’d never imagined possible again.

All this time, she’d been mourning what her father had done to her, what he’d put her through. But maybe what she needed wasn’t someone to fill that role and undo the wrongs he’d done to her. Maybe she needed someone as nurturing and soft as her mother. It wouldn’t heal the old wounds, but maybe it didn’t need to. Feeling like she belonged, like she had a purpose here, meant everything. 

Aloud, she said, “Thank you for always being there for me. I think I feel a little better now.”

“Good.” He nuzzled his cheek against the side of her hair. “I will make you happy. I promise.”

Although she’d been broken-hearted when she’d come to him tonight, now she believed him wholeheartedly. He’d never given her a reason to doubt him. With that, she sat with him and finished the drink he’d made her, relaxing a little more the longer he held her.

—

It wasn’t until the early hours of the morning when they could finally bathe and go to bed. Just as Mikage had predicted, Tomoe’s shrine had been slammed nonstop from midnight on, and he’d needed her help for more than his own work. Mikage had been right. Her jurisdiction had moved, and she found herself swamped as well. They’d sat together in the spirit plane in the inner recess of the main shrine, scrambling as quickly as they could to record and answer prayers. It had been a long night. But when Tomoe gazed at her haggardly with a weary smile and thanked her for her help with such sincerity, her heart soared.

Although both were exhausted, it was obvious sleep wouldn’t come right away. When Nanami came out of the bathroom, she found Tomoe stretched out across the doorway with the doors open, gaze trained on the yard. A soft glow emanated from beyond the threshold, and she stepped closer, wondering what was going on. He didn’t speak to her, but he flicked his gaze in her direction, and she took the hint. She started to kneel by him, but he pulled her into his lap instead, draping the blanket at his shoulders around her as well.

Staring out into the dark of night, her breath caught. Several balls of foxfire hovered in the air, illuminating the yard, reflecting twinkling blue, purple, and teal hues off the white blanket that had begun to accumulate. She sank into Tomoe’s embrace, his chest against her back, the rise and fall of his breaths soothing. This moment felt sacred, reverent. In silence, they watched the snow fall quietly from the heavens, the world around them in a deep slumber, frozen in time.

A long while passed and neither of them spoke, instead cuddling, watching the snow accumulate. One thing Tomoe had taught her was how to appreciate the quiet, how to be still and bask in the moment without stimulation of any kind — no TV, no books, no talking. She hadn’t realized how much she’d missed out on until he’d shown her this, and she was in awe at how beautiful the world could be.

Finally, she broke the peace, albeit in a whisper. “It’s so pretty. Your foxfire makes it even prettier.”

Behind her, he chuckled. “Well, it is a new decade. That is worth celebrating, is it not?” He kissed the tip of her ear. “I thought you might like to see this.”

A new decade. To him, it was probably nothing. Yet he’d done something special for her. A lump came to her throat and she leaned closer to him, pressing the top of her head to his chin. “I’m glad you showed me. It’s gorgeous.”

“I’m glad you like it,” he said, smiling and kissing her temple slowly.

The warmth of his mouth brought another smile to her face. She felt like she wasn’t alone when she was with him. Reaching up backwards, she stroked his hair and his ear, appreciating the velvet fur against her fingertips. Then: “Do you know what would be really romantic?” When he hummed, she blushed. “If we made love while watching the snow.”

“Really?” He watched the tip of her ear turn pink and chuckled, shaking his head. “That would be romantic. I would love that.”

“You wanna do it?” she asked, twisting to look at his face. When he smiled and nodded, his ears relaxing down, she couldn’t help the breathless laugh that left her. Toying with a strand of his hair, shyly watching the action, she asked, “What do you wanna do?”

Seeing how she’d been so upset and raw, how she’d told him in the past that she felt comforted and safe beneath him, he said, “I would like to be on top. If that is all right with you.”

“Yeah.” She shut her eyes, smiling. “I’d like that a lot.”

When he patted her ass, she slipped from his lap, letting him get up. She watched him wander into the room and then retrieve the futon he’d stowed beneath his bed. He pulled it to the doorway, then loaded it with blankets. Once again, he turned the space heater on and pointed it towards the futon. Her heart melted. He was so thoughtful.

It seemed he wasn’t keen to wait, because he slipped his yukata off straight away. She followed his example, and goosebumps prickled her skin from the cold outdoor air. Quickly, she crawled under the thick blankets, and he joined her. Instead of working her up, he climbed on top of her, even though he wasn’t hard yet.

At her noise of questioning, he smirked, nudging her nose with his. “I am keeping you warm,” he explained. She blushed and nodded, sinking beneath him, accepting him in her arms.

His skin was so hot, she thought, burying her nose and mouth in the junction of his shoulder and collarbone. She shivered, and he pulled the blankets higher up their bodies, using one of the extra blankets to tuck against the side exposed to the outdoors. After a moment, their combined body heat built in the blankets, the warmth enveloping her. Her tense muscles relaxed.

Shutting her eyes, she focused on the weight of his body on hers, the sensation of his bare skin against her own. She ran her palms up and down the expanse of his back, her touch slow, affectionate. At the same time, she pressed kisses to his collarbone and the base of his throat, indulging in the intimacy of lying naked with him. He made her feel safe; he made her feel at home.

“Are you warm enough?” his voice cut through her reverie, and she hugged him tightly, her heart melting.

“Yeah, you’re really warm,” she said with a tiny smile, her face flushing.

He smiled, tilting his head down to kiss the top of her head. Shifting down her body, he pressed his waist between her legs, against her clit. Her lips touched his jaw and he began to grind his hips, both actions drawing a sigh from him. He had no doubt that even this minimal movement would arouse them both quickly.

A hum caught in Nanami’s throat and she brought her knees up, rolling her hips back against Tomoe, meeting his movements. She grinded against him firmly, appreciating the sensation of his bare skin brushing over hers. Although she hadn’t been particularly aroused when she’d approached him, it still felt lovely, and she appreciated their connection more than anything. It was soothing, comforting, familiar.

What they did seemed to have an effect on him, because within several minutes of this -- of her kissing his shoulder and throat, rubbing against him -- she felt his erection against the inside of her leg. He began to move faster, with more pressure, and soon the tip of his erection bumped her entrance. That was really hot, she thought, breaths coming quicker. She clung to his shoulders, whimpering, shutting her eyes and pushing down against his erection. The next time she rocked her hips, it was at the exact right time, and the tip of his erection parted her folds, making her shudder.

“Oh, Tomoe,” she whispered, digging her nails into his skin. She hadn’t been sure if she could get turned on enough, but just that action had her shivering, her heart thumping in her ears. She felt herself growing wet.

A low moan escaped him, a tingling, electric sensation speeding up and down his spine. Perhaps she wasn’t there yet, but just being so close to her entrance had him shaking. Now that he had an erection, he shifted up her body, rubbing the shaft over her clit, his mouth falling open and breathing more heavily at the sensation of the softer skin grinding over his. He clenched blankets in his fists, rocking his hips more fervently.

Tiny moans left her with each movement, the pleasure building to an ache. It wasn’t just the stimulation — the action itself was incredibly hot, and she rolled her hips in more exaggerated motions the more aroused she became. Whimpering, she buried her face in his throat, breathing harder against his skin, suddenly feeling much warmer.

Before desperation could set in, not wanting to ruin the romantic atmosphere, she moved her hands to grip his shoulders and hold him still. “Make love to me,” she murmured, nuzzling the base of his throat.

By now, he was shaking all over, so she didn’t need to tell him twice. He shifted once more, lining himself up. Then, he guided his erection inside her with no resistance; she’d grown significantly wetter even over those few moments. A shaky half gasp, half moan left him as he sank into her tightness, and he started to grind against her, taking his time and running fingers through the hair that had splayed out over her pillow.

A long hum vibrated in the back of her throat. She clung to him, clamping her legs at his hips. Panting, she turned her head towards the door, eyes shut for a moment before she remembered — she had wanted to enjoy the view while they did this. With effort, she cracked her eyes open, a smile flickering over her lips at the sight of the snow falling, his foxfire still suspended in the air, frozen in place.

This was all so beautiful. The way he cradled her, cherishing her, the gentle movements as he made love to her, the scenery, the memory of how he’d welcomed and comforted her… Suddenly, she felt her eyes stinging, and she clutched him tighter. The last thing she wanted to do was cry all over again, but it had been an emotional night, and she was tired. A tear slipped down her nose and she sniffed, attempting to be quiet. He stilled on top of her.

Alarm washed over him. Even if she wasn’t stiff beneath him, the sound of her sniffling told him he needed to check in. “Did I hurt you?”

A laugh left her and she shook her head, face warmer. “No, sorry, I’m being awkward.” She sniffed, but before she could reach up to wipe her cheek, his thumb brushed over it instead. “I was thinking about how pretty this all is and how nice you are to me.” She laughed again, fresh tears building. “And how much I love you.”

He lifted up on his arms, their pelvises still in contact and his long hair falling around her, a soft smile spreading across his face as he gazed down at her affectionately. She turned her head to blink up at him, showing him her tears, eyes locking with his. “Of course I will be nice to you. You are my mate. I love you very much.”

Another tight yet adoring smile twitched on her lips and her eyes shimmered. “Tomoe,” she whispered, and everything she felt for him rested in that breathless murmur of his name.

Bending down, he pressed a kiss to her forehead, and then she shuddered, her breath sucked through her teeth. All it took was a glance to see the goosebumps rising over her chest and shoulders, her nipples painfully hard, and he lay down again, covering her body with his own. The covers had slipped down, so he pulled them up, cocooning them both in the warmth. He kissed her temple, then rested his head next to hers, beginning to move again.

Despite her tears, what he did to her felt deliciously good. She slipped fingers in the back of his hair, cradling the base of his head, her other arm wrapped around him with her hand between his shoulder blades. She could feel his muscles shifting and tensing beneath her fingertips, emanating his strength, his solidity. Right now, she felt so secure, so loved, and the tension and hurt from earlier in the evening melted away. He was her family; he’d never leave her. And her home was with him.

Tilting her hips up, she wrapped her legs around him, encouraging him to go deeper. For a long time, they moved slowly, trading languid kisses and bare touches of lips against every inch of skin they could reach. His fingers ran through her hair and trailed over her cheeks, treating her like she was delicate, precious. The only sounds exchanged were their breaths which played over throats and hair and temples, their sighs, their quiet moans. She could’ve continued to make love to him forever.

After some time of grinding against each other, of her rubbing her leg over his hip and the side of his thigh, he rolled his hips with more exaggerated movements, long and gradual and firm. Out of the corner of his eye, he watched the snow fall, his humid breaths muffled by Nanami’s hair. Beneath him, he felt her arch, a deeper sounding ah escaping her. She must’ve been getting more excited. He had to admit — he was too. Her body felt heavenly, that wet tightness surrounding him making him pant, his toes curling.

By now, her heart was pounding to the point she shook, his skin rubbing just the right amount of friction against her clit. His erection stretched her, and he penetrated her deeply enough to put pressure on the spots that gave her bursts of pleasure behind her closed eyelids. Like those balls of foxfire. This moment reflected their relationship — a dichotomy of comfort and fireworks, of loyalty and passion. She’d thought they couldn’t have both. Yet in this moment, she felt both his love and his desire for her so strongly.

“I’m so lucky,” she whispered against his damp skin, between heavy breaths.

“Yes?” A breathless laugh left him. “I would say I am the lucky one.”

“I am too,” she said, tilting her head back, pausing as he hit just the right spot, making her twitch and emit another ah. “Tomoe, you make me feel so good.”

“Hmm,” he murmured, nosing her hair, eyes half lidding. “Are you going to come?”

For a moment, she couldn’t reply, instead wrapping her legs around him, grinding her hips against him, writhing. Those sparks of pleasure increased in intensity, her focus on the base of his erection brushing against her clit. Several utterances of oh left her, and she scratched down his back. His lips found the crown of her head in a slow, tender kiss, and he started rocking more insistently, the additional pressure hitting just right.

“Y-yeah,” she finally said just above a whisper, tone high-pitched. She pressed her cheek to his shoulder, staring out over the snow, clinging to him. Desperate to please him, she clenched around him, smiling at the sound of his choked moan above her.

Despite the fragility of the moment, her body felt too good. His breaths grew ragged, her skin feeling much hotter beneath him, his own body breaking out into a sweat. The sounds left him with nearly every rock of his hips now, tremors rippling through his limbs. It was so hard to keep his eyes open. Cradling her head in his arms, he moaned, ears laying back.

“I am going to come,” he whispered, breathing shallowly now, his heart threatening to beat out of his chest.

He barely got the chance to finish that sentence before Nanami arched sharply beneath him, the crown of her head pressing back to the pillow, a lengthy ah escaping her. He felt her muscles contracting around him, and a surge of pride filled his chest, a small laugh leaving him. It seemed she’d beat him to it.

Although it had been sudden, it felt so satisfying, the waves making her legs jerk and her toes curl. It was such a strong orgasm, alleviating her of all the exhaustion and stress of the day, relaxing her completely. That warm feeling coursing through her — the feel good hormones rushing through her veins — left her lying uselessly beneath him, feeling like a noodle. She couldn’t even keep her legs around his hips anymore, and she let her feet drop to the futon, knees trembling.

Her orgasm spurred him on. He panted through a wide open mouth, fangs showing, the sound staccato and noisy. Clutching fistfuls of the blankets, his entire body stiffened, and he couldn’t help but shift to thrusting instead of mere grinding. That friction drove him wild, and with the last thrust, that bubble grew to a bursting point. An urgent call of her name morphed into a loud moan as he came inside her, filling her with that wet warmth. Almost immediately, he went slack, dropping to lie on her, his hair tenting around their faces as he tried to catch his breath.

Once heated kisses now trailed over his skin soothingly, her hands running up and down his back. It was clear both of them were too weak to move, so they didn’t, instead appreciating the moment. Now that their energy had been spent, the world was silent once more. The only sounds were of the white noise of the heater, their soft breaths, the gentle plip of snow against the boards of the veranda.

An icy wind swept through the air outside, the balls of foxfire flickering and wavering. It caught flecks of snow and carried them just inside the doorway, landing in Nanami’s hair, against Tomoe’s ears. He lifted his head, watching with a smile and dancing eyes as the flakes melted almost instantly into the deep brown of Nanami’s hair. Her warm, sweet eyes stared up at him, her cheeks rosy, a breathless giggle escaping. Reaching up, she brushed the snow from his ears, eliciting an involuntary flick. With another giggle, she repeated the action, clearly gleeful as he flicked his ear again.

Narrowing his eyes, smirking, he nudged her nose with his own. “Stop that,” he said, daring to shatter the sanctity of this moment.

“But you’re cute,” she protested, feigning a pout.

Instead of responding with words to that comment, he pressed a kiss to her lips, holding it until she reciprocated. His long fingers pulled through the strands of her hair. After several minutes of deep, slow-burning kisses, he broke it with a shuddering breath. His eyes locked with hers, and he brought a strand of hair to his lips, kissing it.

“My sweet wife.”

Nanami blushed and reached up, cupping his cheek in her palm, noticing it felt cool to the touch. “My dear husband,” she replied, another smile flickering over her mouth. She lifted her head, nuzzling her nose against his, her eyes falling shut.

Their lips met again, and she reclined to the futon, taking one of his hands and lacing their fingers together. Outside, the wind whirled the delicate flakes, disturbing the foxfire like the flame of a candle, the scene like a shaken snow globe. All was still and quiet. And Nanami and Tomoe kissed until the foxfire flickered out.