Chapter Text
Nancy knocks on the door to Steve's house and then steps back. She fidgets while she waits, adjusting her purse onto her other shoulder and tucking her hair behind her ear.
She doesn't want to be here.
She would rather be anywhere but here.
But, Steve had asked her to stop by to pick up something that he'd borrowed.
And people had been watching at the time, meaning Nancy didn't feel like she could say no without them assuming she had an ulterior motive. Residual bitterness or feelings or whatever.
And they’re trying to be friends.
So now she's here.
At Noon on a Saturday.
And he won't even come to the door.
She's just about to knock again when the soft pad of feet approaches from the other side.
She straightens again, taking a deep breath, only to have it catch and stick when Robin opens the door wearing only rumpled hair and one large t-shirt.
Steve's shirt, if Nancy's not mistaken.
Her long, pale limbs completely on display.
Nancy drags her eyes back up to Robin's face, fighting back a blush that threatens to rise on her cheeks.
Robin squints at her, face pinching into a slightly confused frown that only she could really pull off without looking ridiculous. “Hey Nance! Come in, come in. Steve'll be right out. We slept in.” Her voice is sleep-thick and extra hoarse. Overused.
A pressure builds up in the back of Nancy’s skull, pulsing and pulsing.
Robin waves a hand without much direction and steps back into the darkness of the house, leaving the door open for Nancy to follow.
Nancy does, but with stiff and jerky steps. As Robin walks away, Nancy's eyes drop down the back of her without her control. She tracks the hang of the shirt over one shoulder, exposing almost the entire other side. The cling of the shirt just over her hips before dropping down. The hem line, just long enough to cover her backside, with just a hint of black fabric popping out from underneath with every step.
Somehow, the knowledge that she's at least wearing underwear is both better and worse.
So much worse.
That breath in her chest still won't unstick.
Robin leads her all the way into the kitchen.
She scrubs at her face a few times before rummaging through the cabinet and starting a pot of coffee, never pausing or searching as she works. Familiar.
When she turns back to Nancy, the shirt shifts down the other shoulder, revealing a peek of collarbone.
The pressure in Nancy's skull builds.
“I'm gonna get dressed, ok? You wait right here ‘n Steve will be out in a jiff!”
Nancy just nods, completely unable to keep her eyes from following Robin when she exits the room. Somehow always catching that little pop of black with each step.
Her breath won't unstick.
Nancy's left alone with the gurgle of the coffee machine for only a minute or two, but it's enough for it to build. With every beat of her heart, her blood pressure pulses harder and harder, echoing in her head.
When Steve comes stumbling in wearing only a pair of sweatpants, Nancy is about ready to burst.
He's also sleep rumpled. That hair he was once so famous for is dented and plastered against one side of his head, with other chunks of it splaying up in the back.
Nancy bites her lip as he wanders over to the coffee, pulling two mugs down and treating them both automatically. He puts one at the end of the counter near the hall before raising his own to his lips and finally, just then, noticing Nancy on the stool. He startles, spilling a little coffee down his chin, before wiping it off and giving her a sheepish smile.
“Oh right! Hey Nancy, sorry. Sorry.” He pauses and looks around. “You want a coffee?”
Nancy shakes her head. “It's after Noon.”
He smiles that same sheepish smile. “Right, sorry.” He glances over his shoulder, face actually coloring a bit. “We had a...a long night, I guess.” He looks back to her and shrugs. Apologetic but in a ‘what can you do’ sort of way. As if Nancy is supposed to understand and accept it.
Nancy hates that she does, in a way. Steve had been that for her once, too. And Jonathan, when they were together.
Nancy thinks she can hear the creak of her skull cracking inside of her head.
“Right,” she says. Short. Clipped.
Steve pales a bit at her tone and nods. “Right, I'll get you the box, one sec!”
He scuttles out of the room and Nancy is left alone again, this time with only the ticking of the clock and soft thuds echoing out from the back rooms of the house.
Where Robin is getting dressed.
At Steve's.
At Noon on a Saturday.
After a long night.
The blood pulses and pulses in Nancy's skull.
Nancy had believed Robin when she told her she and Steve were just friends. Maybe not at first, but Robin's speech had been very convincing. Then when they actually became friends and started hanging out on their own, she made a conscious choice to fully believe her.
Robin had said it very clearly. Multiple times.
Platonic with a capital P.
So Nancy believed her.
Now, though, she can't believe how stupid and naive she had been. It had been so obvious. The touches. The looks. The intimate familiarity.
She could forgive it if this were new. If she’d walked in on one of the first times this had happened.
But that clear familiarity! Both of them know this routine.
A long night.
It bubbles and burns under her skin, festering.
It would be one thing if they had just told her. She does not care who Steve dates. She does not have any lingering feelings for Steve. But to lie? To actively deceive her for months on end? What was the point?
Steve was one thing. She doesn't care what he does and at this point she kind of expects this from him. Not the deception, but the lack of awareness around her feelings? Sure. He's spent too much time chasing after the phantom of their relationship for her to have much faith in him for this kind of thing.
Plus, she realizes now, he had never actually lied. Robin had been the one to tell Nancy over and over. Robin had always been the one to publicly groan and object when people assumed they're dating.
But why? Why would Robin do that? Robin, who she'd gotten so close to in the last few months. Robin, who she'd really come to trust and rely on like…like Barb. Who had seen her tears and heard her fears and held her when she cried…what was the point of lying to her if they were just going to be so blatant about it? Was it all a game? Was Robin really fighting some pointless battle to convince everyone she wasn't really with him? Then why be so blatant?
Nancy’s sure she's steaming at the ears when Steve comes back in carrying a large box. He sets it on the counter in front of her and pops his hip against it, crossing his arms to look down at Nancy.
“Here you go! Thanks again, it worked out great. Appreciate you coming for it, too,” he says.
Nancy opens her mouth to reply, but is cut off by a loud clatter coming down the hall.
Steve turns to look over his shoulder, too, just in time to see a dressed Robin careening in, grabbing the mug on the counter, and heading for the door. “Thanks, Dingus! Bye Nance, see you later!” she calls.
“Wait, Robin, are you good to get to work?” Steve calls back, voice high. “Wait!”
Robin doesn't wait. She flies out of the house and, presumably, down the road without pausing.
Steve grumbles and turns back to face Nancy.
It's only then that Nancy notices it. A couple of small, developing bruises scattered on Steve's chest.
Not quite hickies, but that soft red of an early developing bruise, for sure.
Nancy's mind flashes to Robin's lips and she has to close her eyes and turn away, pretending to look at the box.
To her horror, there's a sudden burn in the back of her throat warning her that she's actually near tears.
She breathes and breathes, willing it to go down.
Steve is still grumbling next to her, sipping his coffee and muttering about irresponsibility and ungratefulness.
Nancy wants to sob.
After a few seconds, she manages to cram it down and stands to lift the box.
“I should get going. Thanks, Steve.”
He steps in front of her as she turns, leaning close with that frustrating soft and concerned look he used to give her so often. “Hey, you ok?”
Nancy smiles at him but based on her reaction it comes out more of a grimace. “Long morning,” she says. Unable to help herself, she gives him the same shrug he'd given her. Apologetic but in a ‘what can you do’ sort of way.
Then, she walks out.
He stares open-mouthed at her as she goes.
She makes it to the car before the tears start sliding down her face, but she knows she can't stop now.
She drives.
She drives until she reaches a dead-end road far off in a corner of town people don't visit unless they have to, and she cries.
She cries for herself. She cries for the friend she thought she'd made. She cries for Barb. She cries for the choices she made that led her to Steve's bed on that fateful night. She cries and she cries until it all dries up.
Then, the only thing left is anger.
Anger at Robin.
For lying.
Yes, for lying.
That’s all.
Robin hums as she walks down the road to Nancy's house. The air is warm but just starting to chill with the evening, and Robin is looking forward to spending a night in the warmth of Nancy's room. The lingering effects of her sleepless, restless night have been weighing heavy on her all day, and she's relieved she won't have to do much thinking soon. Work had been a slog and she definitely left more than one customer confused and annoyed at her disjointed rambling.
Oh well, if she gets a complaint she gets a complaint.
When Nancy opens the door, though, all of Robin's fleeting tiredness takes a heavy backseat. Nancy's eyes are red, like she's been crying for a long time and is trying to hide it with her makeup, and her face is hard.
Angry.
No, pissed.
“Uh, hey!” Robin greets. “You ok?”
Nancy's face pinches. “Let's go for a drive.”
Robin fidgets and steps back to make room for Nancy. “Uh, sure. Yeah, of course, whatever you want to do. Where we going?”
Nancy doesn't answer as she climbs into the car, leaving Robin to ramble after her as she follows.
“I just wasn't expecting to go anywhere else today, but I'm in. What's the plan? Are we going anywhere in particular?”
Nancy doesn't answer until she's backing out of the driveway.
“We're going somewhere where we can talk alone,” she says.
Robin swallows. “Oh, more alone than your, uh, your house and room? What do we need to talk about? Is everything ok? Nothing's happening again with the Upside Down, right?” Her fidgeting gets more restless as flashes of her nightmares mix with memories in her mind. “Should we be calling the others? Are we meeting the others?”
Nancy sighs at that, a little bit of the tension bleeding out of her shoulders, and she finally looks at Robin again. Face still hard.
“No, don't worry, it's not that. We just need to talk alone and I don't want to risk being interrupted.”
Robin nods over and over again, letting out a shuddering exhale as she does. “Good. That's good. Ok. That's good. Good.”
When she finally gets herself to stop talking, she shoots Nancy a few more glances out of the corner of her eye.
Her face is still so hard. Like a wall has been built overnight, blocking away the girl she'd become so close to. There's a sharpness to all of her movements. All of her words, too. Like the very first few times they were first forced to spend time alone, and Robin can't help but sense that she's annoyed by her. That she's angry at her.
Robin’s about ready to climb out of her skin when Nance pulls over in a random dead-end. Clearly abandoned houses frame either side of the street and Robin suppresses a shudder.
She turns to Nancy, who is studiously staring forward at the line of trees in front of her car.
“What’s, uh, what’s going on?” Robin tries again.
Nancy’s face creases into a deep frown and Robin pulls in a sharp breath. The drumming of her fingers grows louder and louder in the silence of the car.
“How long did you expect to be able to keep me in the dark?” Nancy says. Her voice is low and threatening.
She is mad.
At Robin.
Robin swallows hard, forcing her overtaxed mind to sort through anything and everything she can think of that might have pissed Nancy off. That Nancy might think she’s hiding.
Only one possible answer comes to mind.
No!
Robin’s heart picks up into double-time and her fingers drum and drum against her thighs.
“I don’t know what you mean. I’m- I’m not-”
Nancy cuts her off. “I know, Robin. I know. It’s so clear, I can’t believe I didn’t see it before. God, you must think I’m so stupid.”
Robin shakes her head over and over again as her tapping turns into squeezing at the fabric of her pants. “Yo-you know what?” she breaths. All the while a mantra of “No, no, no, no,” picks up in her head and doesn’t stop.
It only grows louder when Nancy turns to her and there is so much fury there. And betrayal. And, if Robin’s not mistaken, disgust.
Nancy is disgusted with her. She knew it was likely (the most likely outcome, really) if Nancy were to find out.
That doesn’t mean it hurts any less to see, now.
Nancy raises an eyebrow at her. “Oh come on. I’m not that oblivious, Robin. I've seen how you act now. I know.”
No, no, no, no, no.
Robin falls still, muscles tensing and preparing. Blood draining from her face, her limbs, and pooling into her heart where it pounds and pounds without going anywhere.
“An-and yo-you're mad about it?” Robin stutters out.
Nancy scoffs and shakes her head before turning to look back out the window. “I'm mad that you lied to me,” Nancy says.
Robin doesn’t let the hope make it to her heart. She freezes it right at the base of her skull and holds.
She still can’t move. She wants to nod. She wants to run.
She stays locked in place, staring at Nance’s profile.
Still angry.
Still disgusted.
“I'm sorry, I really didn't mean to lie. It's not like that,” Robin pleads.
“What? What’s it like then? You want me to believe this is new? You didn't know you felt that way before we became friends?” Nancy snaps, eyes flashing as she stares back at Robin.
Robin’s chin starts to wobble and she hates the words that have to come out next. “No I- I've- it's been longer than that.”
Nancy’s eyes narrow at her. “Yet, you still chose to become my friend. To lie to me over and over again. To make me think I could tr-trust you with things when you were, what? Toying with me?”
No, no, no, no.
Robin’s head finally starts shaking again, echoing that mantra. She’s crying now, tears flying off her cheeks with the momentum of her head. She’s not sure when that started but she knows it will probably be a long time before it stops.
“No, I swear. I would never, never do that. I never wanted to hurt you. I would never. Please, Nancy, please, I would never.” She finally manages to move her hands too, raising them up to hold them open at her shoulders, palms out, in a desperate attempt to show Nancy that means no harm. That she never meant any harm.
Nancy frowns, eyes tracing over Robin’s face, her panicked shaking, her hands. Something softens, not much but enough that her shoulders slump and her voice goes down a level. “Then why lie? I really- I really wouldn’t have minded if you’d just told me you were dating from the beginning. I just don’t understand.”
Robin’s mind stutters and stops, the mantra and everything falling silent as she desperately tries to process Nancy’s words. “Wait. Wait. Da-dating? No, wait. Wha-”
“Of course!” Nancy snaps, slamming her hands down on the steering wheel and making Robin jump back in her seat, shaking anew. “Stop fucking trying to deny it! I saw you at his house this morning. Dating, sleeping together, whatever you want to call it. Just stop lying to me!”
It slams into Robin with the weight of a truck. The realization.
She pictures the morning from Nancy’s perspective. Realizes how it would look to someone, anyone, that didn’t know that Robin doesn’t like boys.
A half-dressed girl answering Steve “The Hair” Harrington’s door. The clear implication that she’d actually slept in his bed. Their comfort with each other.
It was never about Robin’s secret. Never about Nancy’s disgust over her.
Just about being lied to over Steve.
The relief tries to flood into her, only to be blocked by the crushing, immovable understanding that she cannot give Nancy a satisfactory answer for their behavior without telling her.
She’ll never accept that Robin sleeps like that in Steve’s bed regularly, platonically, just for the support after her nightmares when she wakes up screaming and thrashing and unable to stop until he pulls her into his chest and holds, offering his warm and comforting weight as a tether back into the real world.
She gasps without breathing and the mantra comes back, louder than ever.
No, no, no, no.
“No!” Robin says.
She can’t breathe. She can’t breathe.
Her hands drop, scrabbling and clawing at the door until she manages to find the handle and stumble out.
The blast of cool air against her face helps, but it’s not enough.
She can’t breathe.
She tries to stumble forward a few feet, but her knees give out as the panic continues to surge through her body. Sapping her strength.
She crumples down onto the rough pavement just as Nancy comes flying around the front of the car.
Her hands are outstretched for her and it’s all Robin can see. She flinches back, landing roughly against the front bumper as she does.
The pain rings through her back and hands as she catches herself, only heightening her panic.
Nancy’s hands stay in front of her, but they don’t come at her again. They’re open, palms out, in nearly the same non-threatening gesture Robin had used earlier.
Robin’s brain recognizes it and latches on, hoping.
She gasps and gasps.
Nancy doesn't come closer.
Her breathing starts to regulate a minute or two later, the air finally making it to her lungs and then back up to her brain, helping to ease her racing thoughts.
She becomes aware that she’s been chanting “No, no, no,” out loud over and over again for an unknown amount of time.
She becomes aware of Nancy’s voice, no longer angry but soft and desperate. Pleading with her to breathe. To take deep breaths and look at her. Telling her she’s ok.
Robin swallows roughly, closing her eyes in a futile attempt to slow the tears and the ache.
She finally gets herself to stop chanting.
“Good, good,” Nancy says. “Take some deep breaths. You’re ok.”
Robin nods and breathes for a minute or two more, ignoring the ache in her back and the chill seeping into her from the pavement below.
“Sorry, sorry,” she says eventually, voice creaking.
She opens her eyes to see Nancy frowning at her, now sitting on the ground with her, legs folded in front of herself, hands in her lap.
“It’s ok. You’re ok,” Nancy says. Slowly, carefully, one of her hands moves forward to grab one of Robin’s hands. When Robin lets her, she pulls it into her lap and cradles it there.
Robin shudders at the heat and tenderness. Her heart aches, still beating wildly in her chest.
She knows there’s no way out of this.
“I’m sorry. I came at you really hard there,” Nancy says, voice low. Regretful.
Robin shakes her head slowly, still blinking the tears out of her eyes. “You-you had reason to. It’s fine. I’m sorry. But I promise, I swear, Steve and I are not in any way involved. Last night I- he- he…” Robin trails off and only pushes herself to continue when Nancy’s face darkens again, taking on a distinctly sharper anger. “I’ve been having nightmares. Bad nightmares. Really bad. My mother’s, well, over it. ‘S fair, ‘s not like I can tell her why. So I’ve been sleeping at Steve’s, with him. He’s just been trying to help. Nothing sexual. Nothing romantic. The only thrashing and screaming that happens is when I try and beat his brains out while waking in a panic, I swear.”
Nancy’s eyes close and Robin can only watch as waves of thoughts wash through her.
Robin takes the opportunity to breathe more and relish the gentle warmth of her hand in Nancy’s. The slight tingle rushing along her skin, despite everything.
She wonders if she’ll ever get to feel it again, after today. If there will ever be another girl like Nancy that can make her feel this much without even trying.
Maybe.
Maybe not.
“I’m so sorry,” Nancy says eventually, opening her eyes. “I’m so sorry for accusing you. For not trusting you.” She squeezes Robin’s hand and pulls it closer to herself, almost like she’s trying to pull Robin into her as well.
Despite herself, Robin doesn’t give into her urge to tip forward into Nancy’s arms.
“‘S fine. I understand. I’m sorry for giving you reason to. I really thought I’d told you I’ve been sleeping at Steve’s.”
Nancy nods again, dislodging a few more tears of her own. “You did. You did. But when I saw you this morning I just- it seemed so clear.”
Robin nods and offers her a small smile. “I can see why. Next time I promise to wear pants when opening the door, even if it’s just someone we know. I need to remember that not everyone knows, not everyone will just accept that a boy and a girl could share a bed and not have anything happen.”
“No, I shouldn’t have assumed. You’ve been so clear about it. I shouldn’t have assumed you lied,” Nancy says.
Robin shrugs at her, trying to indicate that all is forgiven and desperately hoping that Nancy will just leave it at that.
But, of course, this is Nancy and she is far too smart for that.
“But, Robin, clearly something else is going on. What were you so scared about before you knew I was talking about Steve? What was so bad that it sent you into this,” she gestures at Robin’s position slumped against the front of the car. “It-it seems like more than just nightmares…”
Robin’s heart sinks. She stares at her a moment or two longer, soaking in the care and concern there for as long as she can.
Her whole body is exhausted, the sleepless night from before compounding with the post-panic attack drop to leave her with one of the most soul-tired exhaustions she’s ever experienced.
There’s no way around it.
She knew it the second Nancy had said “I know” in the car. She can feel it in her bones.
It’s time.
She swallows and nods, pulling her hand away from Nancy and then sitting herself up into a more upright position in front of her.
Nancy’s hands stay in her own lap, but twitch like they want to pull Robin back into her.
Robin wants to smile at it, cherishing one last second of feeling wanted by her, even in some small way.
“I like girls, Nancy,” she says, keeping it simple.
Nancy’s mouth drops open a bit and her brow furrows.
“I like girls. That’s why nothing will ever happen between me and Steve. Steve knows. And that’s what I thought you were telling me you realized. Why you were so angry and betrayed.”
Nancy’s brow is still furrowed as her eyes flick back and forth over Robin’s face. “Oh,” she breathes.
Robin nods and drops her eyes to her hands. One hand starts tapping against her pants again, frantic and uncontrollable as the panic piles up in her chest again.
But Nancy only leaves her hanging for a minute. “Hey, Robin, look at me please?” Her voice is sickly soft and it sends a painful surge of longing and hope into Robin’s chest.
She holds it down.
Robin clenches her jaw, preparing for whatever anger or disgust might have reappeared in Nancy's eyes, and looks up.
Only, Nancy doesn’t look angry, at least not at Robin. Her eyes are wide and wet as she searches Robin’s, and her face is racked with guilt and regret and a deep, deep sadness.
Robin wants to reach out and smooth it away, but she doesn’t dare. She claws at the fabric of her pants instead, squeezing tight so she can’t be tempted.
“It’s ok, ok? It’s ok. I understand and would never be mad at you for that. I’m so sorry, it’s ok,” Nancy whispers, still so soft.
Robin’s jaw quivers again and she bites her lip to suppress it.
It’s too good to be true.
Too much to expect.
“Really?” she breathes.
Nancy nods and one hand comes up invitingly, asking for Robin’s. “Really. I completely understand why you wouldn’t have told me that. I’m so sorry for coming at you like that.”
Robin shakes her head, still eyeing the hand. “It’s fine, I understand.”
Nancy frowns and leans a little closer, still reaching for Robin.
Robin keeps her hold on her legs, refusing to let herself reach back.
Nancy’s eyes drop down to look at her own hand, too, frown deepening. “Will you take my hand? I’d like to go home and I’d really appreciate it if you come with me.”
Robin finally loses her grip on the hope in her chest, and it soars and soars until more tears leak from her eyes, slow and disbelieving. “Are you sure?”
Nancy nods back rapidly. “Please?”
So, Robin swallows and takes her hand.