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The boys were visiting the Brewer’s and had just pulled in the driveway to Patrick’s childhood home.
“Um, Patrick, whose car is that?”
“Oh, it’s my mom’s. Didn’t I tell you she got a new one?”
“That’s your mother’s vehicle?!” David practically shouted in surprise.
“Uh….yeah? Why?” Patrick replied, confused by David’s reaction.
“Like, your mom - dear, sweet Marcy Brewer is driving that around your hometown?!”
“David, what’s the big deal? It’s a sensible, reliable small SUV. Is it because she got something other than blue? I told her the red was a little flashy-”
“Patrick! Look at the license plate!” David pointed in that direction fiercely.
Patrick’s eyes navigated down to what David was talking about, then grew huge with surprise.
“What?!”
“Yeah! What the actual fuck, Patrick?!”
“I don’t….she didn’t….it can’t possibly mean…”
“What else could it mean?!”
“David. There is no way it means that!”
“Well, even if she intended something else, it definitely has that meaning. The one that other people in the world know about.”
“Not…not people here though. People here are naive. They wouldn’t…”
“Patrick, honey. Just because you grew up in this small town and you were sheltered, doesn’t mean that everyone here is that innocent.”
Patrick huffed out a breath and glared at his husband. “I wasn’t sheltered.”
“Well, that’s a conversation for another day because your mom is going to come out that door any second if we sit here much longer.”
“Yeah, okay.” Patrick unbuckled his seatbelt and opened the door. “Let’s take our bags in.”
//
“Hi boys! I didn’t hear you pull in!” Marcy engulfed one, then the other in hugs before they could even set their bags down. “How was the drive?”
“Good. Traffic was a little worse than I expected, but nothing major,” Patrick replied.
“So, Marcy….I see you got a new car,” David dove right in. Patrick shot him a look that said “stop” and David innocently mouthed “what?” back to his husband.
“Yes! I love it! I can’t wait for the colder months to test out the heated seats and all wheel drive!”
“Mmm, yes, exciting,” David feigned interest.
“The best part, though….did you see the license plate?! I’ve never splurged on a personalized plate before, but I thought, why not!”
“Um, yes…yep, we actually did notice it. What, uh….what does it mean, exactly?” David asked, trying desperately to keep a smile on his face and nonchalance in his voice.
“What do you mean?” Marcy asked.
“The, um, I-L-U-V-D-P?”
“It’s not obvious?!” Marcy replied, surprised.
“Well, not immediately, I guess?” David responded. “I mean, obviously I got the ‘I love’ part, but um-”
“David, don’t,” Patrick hissed.
Marcy looked between the two boys, confused. “What?”
“Marcy, what does the D and P stand for?”
“Patrick, I can’t believe you didn’t guess already. DP was always your favorite too!” Marcy emphasized the letters, with her eyebrows raised and a smile on her face, hoping her son would guess. “But I guess maybe not anymore, tastes change over time.”
David looked with wide eyes at his husband. “You’re favorite, huh? That’s news to me! Maybe something we could explore further when we get home?” David tried not to laugh as he teased his husband.
“Oh, you don’t need to wait! Feel free to do whatever you want while you’re here visiting!” Marcy replied.
David’s face was laced with glee.
“Ok, enough. Mom, what in the world does DP stand for?!”
“I’ll give you a hint…I played her records all the time when you were growing up.”
Patrick was confused, then it dawned on him. “Oh.” He looked straight at David. “Dolly. Parton. 'I love Dolly Parton' is what it means.”
“Of course, silly,” Marcy exclaimed. “What else could it possibly mean?” She swatted playfully at her son. “I’m going to pull out this last batch of cookies, why don’t you two drop your bags in the guest room and join me in the kitchen.”
“Sounds delicious, Marcy. Thank you,” David replied, then dragged his husband down the hallway.
//
“So, Dolly Parton, huh?” David said once they were safely in the guest room and out of earshot of Marcy.
“Yeah. I should have known that….you and your dirty mind had me thinking otherwise.” Patrick shot David a glare that was more playful than threatening.
“Sorry, honey, that’s just where my mind always goes.” He smirked at his husband. “Still, we cannot let her drive around with that license plate.”
“Well, we aren’t telling her the other meaning of DP, David.”
“Why not?! She needs to know!”
“No. She doesn’t.”
“What if some stranger off the street confronts her about it? Would that be a better scenario?”
Patrick thought for a moment. “No. Of course not. I don’t want that to happen either.”
“So….we tell her,” David replied and shrugged, as if explaining an explicit sexual act to his mother-in-law was no big deal.
Patrick huffed and his cheeks reddened.
“I’ll tell her. Okay?” David took mercy on his husband. “Why don’t you lie down for a bit and I’ll go have some cookies and a nice little talk with her.”
“Really?”
“Yes, really.”
“Thank you, David.”
//
“Where’s Patty?”
“Um, he wanted to rest for a bit. That drive always takes it out of him.”
“That’s true. It’s a long one. Thank goodness for husbands who always drive while we can rest and snack, right?” Marcy said with a smile.
“Yes!” David agreed.
“I already sat out some milk and cookies for you on the table, dear. I guess it’s just you and me for a bit.”
David sat down and Marcy sat across from him with her cup of tea.
“So, how’s the store been?” she asked.
“Good. Great. Um….can we maybe skip the small talk for now? There’s something I need to talk to you about while we’re alone.”
“Of course. What is it? Is it something serious?” Marcy asked, voice laced with concern.
“No! No. Nothing bad. Just a little uncomfortable.”
“Oh? Oh. Is it something embarrassing? Is that why Patrick stayed in the bedroom.”
“Maybe,” David winced.
“Well, let’s get this over with then. Did I say something wrong? Do something wrong?”
“It’s just….the license plate, Marcy.”
“The license plate?!”
“Yes, so, um….well, the abbreviation D-P can mean other things. Like, not Dolly Parton.”
“Okay? I assume you’re talking about something....” Marcy cleared her throat. “Sexual….in nature?”
David nodded his head over and over.
“Just tell me.”
“Uh…well….it can mean, well, the first thing we thought of….not that, I mean, it’s not something that we necessarily partake-”
“David? Just spit it out.”
“Double penetration,” David said as quickly as possible. “And, well, I just thought you should know that before you went driving all over the place and possibly getting some weird looks or comments.”
Marcy sat silent for a moment, a crease forming between her brows.
“Is everything okay?” David inquired.
“Is it….?” Marcy asked while holding up two fingers and thrusting them in the air a bit.
David closed his eyes and shook his head.
Marcy sat there a bit longer, contemplating. “Well, I don’t….I mean, I can maybe piece together something else. But I don’t know the specifics. Or - that that was even a thing.”
“Mmmm. Yes, it’s very much a thing. Don’t…uh, don’t google it. Do you want me to explain it to you?”
“No, dear,” she shot David a soft smile. Bless this man and his directness. “I think I’ll just live the rest of my life not knowing all the details.”
“Okay.”
“Shoot.” Marcy replied with a huff.
“What?”
“I love that license plate. I was so happy to get it. Dolly Parton is my favorite!”
“Yeah…Jolene is a classic,” David replied with a sympathetic smile.
“Now I’ll have to replace it.” Marcy frowned.
David couldn’t stand seeing the disappointment on her face.
“I’m sorry. Maybe…maybe it doesn’t matter? Just because my dirty mind conjured up that meaning doesn’t-”
“No, David. Thank you for telling me. But now I can’t unsee it.”
David sat in silence for a moment, taking small bites of his cookie and contemplating a solution.
“Wait! I’ve got it!”
Marcy gave him a startled look. “What?”
“The only real problem is that people have no idea that you’re referring to Dolly.”
“Okay?”
“So….we fix that!”
“What are you suggesting?”
“You could just get a bumper sticker with her picture on it…or something referencing her. So then, when people see the license plate, they’ll see that too!”
“I think….yeah, maybe that could work.”
Over cookies and milk and tea, they sat together perusing the internet for the best Dolly Parton bumper sticker.
//
“Hey, did you sleep at all.”
“No, not really. Did you….talk to her?”
“Yes. And we found a solution.”
“I assume she’s ordering a new license plate,” Patrick stated, a bit confused at what other possible solution there could be for this particular problem.
“Nope. We ordered a Dolly Parton bumper sticker to put right next to the license plate.”
Patrick paused to think for a second. “That’s….actually not a bad idea. I definitely would have understood the license plate if there was a picture of her right next to it.”
“Yes, aside from the fact that I think bumper stickers are incorrect, it was the best I could come up with to make your mom happy.”
“Well, thank you….for dealing with all of that.”
“Anytime, honey. Afterall, I have to keep up my ‘favorite son’ status somehow.”
“Oh please, like you even have to try….she’s loved you since the moment you knocked on their motel door.”