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A series of explosions rattled the walls of the subterranean bunker, the sound of earth and stone cracking on the other side.
“Run!” The figure abandoned the strange machine as it sparked and popped with scrolling, unreadable text. “They are after our banana organs!”
“Damn right we are!” Momo shouted, grabbing the Serpo with a psychic hand before he could get away.
He flailed in her grasp, pointing his sensory organs at her and firing his own psychokinetic force. But it hit her like a cool breeze, dissipated easily by her superior stores of chi, and with her other psychic palm she grabbed him by the groin and yanked.
His weird needle organ thing pulled free from him, dripping with severed cables and wires. She tossed both aside, Serpoian whining in pain as he writhed on the floor. Good.
She didn’t know why they kept trying at this point. Okay, sure, the three Serpos managing this whole workshop here did manage to kidnap her, briefly, using their bullshit Awesome Zone along with a couple of gig workers – but Okarun hadn’t been far behind. And there were only three of them, all of which needed to focus on her at all times or else she’d completely destroy them since she was so awesome and powerful.
And the first thing Okarun had done was smash one of them away with a kick, letting her do exactly that.
After that things quickly went bad for those assholes. Okarun darted around attacking gig-workers with headbutts and spinning kicks while she methodically tore apart the Serpos in sprays of cyborg parts. Within minutes they had completely devastated this little mercenary force, leaving them in a pile of moaning alien bodies, dripping with whatever they had instead of blood.
And just like that, the small zone of Empty Space snapped away, taking the aliens with it.
The workshop itself remained, now whole again, filled with working alien technology as if they hadn’t just spent a good 15 minutes trying to explode it all. She really didn’t understand how this Empty Space shit worked.
“Should we blow it all up again?” she asked, as Okarun rejoined her.
He checked his watch. “Maybe later? We’re late for class.”
“Damnit!”
-
They didn’t bother hurrying back.
Late was late, and being an extra 15 minutes behind didn’t seem that big a deal. Meant they could enjoy the walk a bit. The streets and sidewalks were still pretty busy, packed with people on their way to work or starting errands, and no one paid them any mind as they ambled their way to school, Okarun excitedly describing the differences between Yetis and Sasquatches in foggy, wintery breaths.
It was early December, and the festive winter mood was really starting to show. Strings of unlit lights dangled from the buildings, wound around the trees, outlined signs and fences. Bakeries loudly advertised strawberry shortcakes, each offering their own unique takes in mouthwatering visual displays. Occasionally they passed by cafes doing the same with hot drinks, and she could smell peppermint and chocolate and cinnamon as it drifted out the doors.
She got one of those impulses she got sometimes. Like, she could just pull Okarun into one of these places, make him get a slice of cake with her. He’d probably be embarrassed about it, stutter about how they were already takin’ their time gettin’ back, but yank at his arm enough and he’d go right in.
But, like. It’d be kinda nice if she didn’t have to pull him in, right? If he decided it himself. He could just nod his head at any cafe and she’d go right in with him. Then it wouldn’t be her fault they got delayed.
She stared at him, trying to beam the idea right into his head. Eyes narrowed. Brows furrowed. Lips thinned.
He caught the look she was giving him. He stopped his diatribe mid-sentence. He looked away nervously.
“W-What is it, Miss Ayase?”
She leaned against his shoulder, grunting as she thought at him even harder.
“Why are you staring at me so hard?!”
She looped her arms around his. “You gettin’ any weird ideas??”
“W-What? No, of course not!” he cried back.
“Well why not?!”
“Am I supposed to be?!”
She pointed to a nearby cafe, with a chalkboard menu out front, cake delicately drawn out in red and white chalk. “What’s that make you wanna do?”
“I, I don’t know!” he said. “Pick up a cake on the way home?”
She shook him. “Think harder!”
“What do you want from me?!”
Too soon they found themselves walking up to the entrance of their school; their stomachs completely free of delicious cake and tasty hot chocolate. Stupid Okarun.
And just as they were getting ready to jump over the gate, the sky turned dark in a single instant, the world around them barren and empty.
“What the… again?!” The two of them quickly looked around for any threats. “Did any of the Serpos get away somehow?”
“I… I don’t think so?” Okarun said. “Unless there were just more we didn’t know about…”
Damnit. Were they really getting attacked by aliens twice in one day? They stanced up, preparing to fight.
Then, as quickly as it came, Empty Space clicked off, sending them back to the regular world. A pedestrian walking by the school looked at them oddly, confused why they were holding up their fists at nothing, before shrugging and continuing on.
“What the…?”
They were in Empty Space.
And then, back in the real world.
The environment around them switched between the two like a dying incandescent bulb, flickering erratically. Fast enough the quick transitions hurt her eyes, world brightening and dimming so quickly. Movement in the regular world became a slideshow, only progressing while they were in it, a flipbook that paused on each page for a bit too long. Apparently, Empty Space froze time? Or, whatever was causing this one did.
“What the heck is happening?” Okarun asked. She shrugged, taking another look around.
She saw something on the roof of the school. A small, twisting column of smoke.
“Up there!”
It didn’t take them long to hop over the gate, go inside, scramble up the stairs. The whole way the world-flicker kept happening, in and out of Empty Space, probably making the two of them look insanely fast to anyone that might have spotted them. They finally reached the door to the roof, crashing through it without hesitation.
To find, literally, the last thing she would have ever expected.
A big chassis of some sort sat on the middle of the roof, open at the top with two rows of seats inside, the back seat holding a huge burlap sack, odd shapes bulging through the fabric. The outside surface, a shimmering silver metal that had to be from another planet, twinkled all over with synthetic lights, marking the status of whatever its functions were, lit mostly in emergency red; the column of smoke trailing out from the underside and the sounds of sparks and crackling the likely cause. And by the weird… vehicle? Stood a man facing away from them and banging a fist at the chassis; every time it connected the world flicked in and out of Empty Space.
He was tall and portly, nearly spherical. Wearing clothes so vivid red it kinda pissed her off, with poofs of cottony white all over. Heavy winter boots and gloves, to deal with a kind of cold they didn’t get in Kamigoe. Floppy hat that ended in a little ball of fluff. Snowflakes drifted in the air around him, as if caught on an eternal, gentle wind that circled him.
Her jaw fell to the floor. Not exactly a common sight here, but even she knew who this was.
“Santa Claus?!”
Santa startled and stopped banging at the metal thing; they stayed in the normal world. He turned around to face them, surprised but calm, as if he already knew he had nothing to worry about, revealing a big, bulbous nose, naturally rosy cheeks, and bright, jolly eyes. A humongous, snow-white beard fell to his belt-buckle and just about covered his entire torso, and even though it hid his mouth, she could tell a joyful smile hit him the moment he saw them by the way it squished his eyes into happy slivers.
“Oh, ho ho!” His voice rung out like bells and wind chimes, deep and sonorous. He held a hand up to his heart. “You frightened me, young Momo Ayase and young Ken Takakura!”
Her heart fluttered at the name, and she had to look away for a moment, sighing happily.
“H-how do you know our names?!” Okarun said, holding an arm out in front of her.
“Well, I know everyone’s names, of course!” Santa answered. “I need only look upon a person to see who they are and what lies in their hearts.” He winked, and the open eye twinkled like a star. “How else could I put them on my list?”
Okarun’s eyes went wide. “Wait, so you’re really him? Santa Claus is real?”
“And in Japan?!” Momo asked.
“Oh ho, of course I’m real! A spirit is a spirit, is it not?” He gave Momo a knowing look.
She gasped, pointing at him. “Wait, that makes sense! I mean, we’ve only had to deal with Japanese spirits, but Santa’s a pretty big Western one that the whole world knows about! Saint Nick, Father Christmas, Ded Moroz… there’s all kinds of intertwined folklore for you, same as spirits here!”
He laughed that ringing laugh again, swinging a proud finger in front of him. “Always a clever one, young Momo!”
She blushed, smile trying hard to break out of her lips as pride swelled in her chest. Man, she really didn’t get a lot of direct compliments from authority figures, did she?
“As for why I’m here,” he continued, “well, I’ve got work to do all over the world! Whether it’s America or Japan or any place in between, I go out on Christmas Eve and deliver gifts to all the good little,” he tapped his nose for emphasis, “Christian boys and girls!”
Her expression faltered. “Hit one of those words pretty hard there, huh Santa?”
“Spirits don’t give blessings to people that don’t give offerings, now do they?” Santa said with a cheeky grin. “You should know that better than anyone!”
“I guess…” she admitted.
“Wait, but hold on,” Okarun cut in, gesturing to the vehicle. “You were clearly messing with something that triggered Empty Space, are you… actually an alien?!”
“Oh ho ho ho, of course not!” he said. “But Santa’s gotta keep up with the times! Long ago I used to only have to go to a few towns and villages, but now? So many people these days, spirit magic isn’t enough to visit them all!” He spread his arms wide, enveloping the entire world in his yuletide embrace. “So now, I use the multidimensional properties of Empty Space to effectively travel faster than light in the regular universe, allowing me to deliver presents to everyone who believes in me!”
“A spirit using alien technology?!” Okarun said. “That’s incredible! What about the presents themselves!? Do you use some kind of technology to create everything you need to, like Ludris’s nanoskin?”
Santa sighed with envy. “Oh I WISH I had that! That’s good stuff! No, I simply use an army of gig workers to manufacture or obtain everything I need.”
“Obtain?” Momo said. “What does that mean?”
“Sometimes people ask me for collectibles!” Santa answered. “Can’t just make more of those, then they wouldn’t be collectibles!”
“So, what, you steal-”
“And you really go to every house?” Okarun said. “Giving presents to every boy and girl?”
“Every Christian-”
“Right, every Christian boy and girl?”
“Indeed I do!” Santa said. “And then, I use a highly advanced neural impulse modulator to change the memories of their parents to make them believe they bought the presents!”
Whoa, what? That seemed kind of-
“Oh, that would explain why adults don’t believe in you, even though presents show up out of nowhere!” Okarun said.
“Exactly!” Santa said. “Faith and belief only means anything if it’s not a sure thing, right?”
“…Hold on a sec,” Momo cut in. “Don’t rich kids still get more presents than poor kids? Does that mean you-”
“ANYWHO, Santa’s in quite a pickle right now, I have to admit!” Santa said. “I was actually out on a practice run today, preparing for Christmas Eve. But wouldn’t you know it, my sleigh,” he patted his hand on the edge of his metal sleigh, casting the world into Empty Space for a moment on each impact, “It’s Empty Space module is on the fritz! I’ve got the right tools to fix it back at the North Pole, but getting back there with my sleigh like this might prove a bit tough…”
A light bulb went off right away. “…Oh! I think we could actually help with that! Or at least point you where you can find some tools. We just dealt with a couple of Serpos just now-”
Santa shook his head. “Serpoians, huh? Nasty folks.” He leaned forward, hand by his mouth as if to tell a secret. “Those guys are all on the Naughty List. The ones on Earth, anyways.”
“They deserve it, for sure,’” she groused. “But, they had a whole workshop full of alien stuff! You could probably find somethin’ to fix your sleigh there!”
“Oh, that’s a great idea, Miss Ayase!”
“Really?” Santa asked.
“Yeah!” She quickly told him the address. “We cleared out all the aliens, so it’s just sitting there for now, you could head right in, fix your sleigh up!”
Santa’s eyes, always thin with joy, grew wide, astonished. He laughed, not his full throated ho ho ho but something much softer, more grateful, and pressed his hand against his chest, right over his heart.
“Momo Ayase,” he said. “You may have just saved Christmas.”
A flurry of joy rampaged inside her, the overwhelming kind that had her lip trembling, eyes near bursting with tears. She did that? Saved Christmas? And because of her, all the good little boys and girls-
“Christian!”
-All the good little Christian boys and girls would get the toys they wanted?
She turned to see Okarun smiling at her, gentle and proud, and she had to press her eyes shut to keep the flood back.
“From the bottom of my heart, thank you, Momo,” Santa continued. She peeked her eyes open, and Santa winked at her again. “I knew you were on the nice list for a reason!”
A single tear fell down her cheek.
“In fact,” Santa said, going over to his bag. “I’m not really supposed to do this, but…” He reached into the burlap sack, dug around a bit, then took out a single, perfectly wrapped gift, rectangular and thin like a book. He walked over to her, leaving snowy footprints in his wake, and carefully held it out to her.
She gasped, taking the present from him. “Even though I’m not Christian?”
“As long as someone’s on the nice list, I can pull out a gift for them,” he answered. “And if there’s anyone who deserves one, it’s you.”
She stared at the beautiful paper, tracing her fingers across its smooth surface. They clenched with desire as they hooked around the edges.
“You can open it now if you want-”
In a flurry of tearing the paper fell away, revealing the gift inside.
It was a book, an older one whose cover still somehow shined glossy new, never been touched. She opened the front cover to look inside, to see it really was what she thought it was.
An autographed copy of Ken Takakura’s 1983 photo book!
!!!
Book held tightly against her chest, she fell backwards, unconscious.
“M-Miss Ayase!”
Okarun dashed behind her to catch her with his palms, pushing her upright and back into consciousness.
She clutched at the photobook even harder, full on weeping. “Fank you Santaaaa!”
“Oh ho ho, of course, Momo!” He gave her a fatherly pat on the head. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go get my sleigh fixed. Thank you once again for your help!”
It was only as he started to leave that she realized.
“Oh, wait!” She pointed to Okarun. “What about Okarun’s gift?? He helped me clear out the Serpo workshop, he saved Christmas too!”
Okarun shook his head. “Miss Ayase, Santa doesn’t have to-”
“Oh, while I appreciate his help too, I’m afraid I can’t give him one!”
She and Okarun blinked at each other.
“Why the hell not?” she asked.
“Well,” Santa said, “he’s not on the nice list!”
Her cheery mood dissolved in an instant. “…What?”
Okarun’s eyes went wide, sadness creeping at the corners. “I… I’m not?”
“Sorry!” Santa said. “Just how it is!” He turned to walk away.
“Hold on a friggin’ second!” Momo demanded. She tucked the book under her arm and stepped up to Santa, poking at his chest. “Okarun’s the nicest person around, he’s gotta be on the nice list!”
“Unfortunately, he’s not!” Santa said.
“I don’t believe you! Check that list o’ yours again!”
“I famously check it twice!”
“Well check it a few more times!”
“I can check it as many times as you’d like, but it won’t change whether he’s on it!” Santa gave a stern look to Okarun, whose shoulders went stiff under Santa’s gaze. “Only he can do that.”
Okarun winced, mood falling even further, and any joy she thought she felt at this stupid, jolly asshole transformed instantly into boiling rage.
“Screw off, Santa! Okarun is a good person, he literally saved my ass from getting kidnapped like fifteen minutes ago!”
Okarun reached out weakly to her, nearly all of his energy sapped. “M…Miss Ayase, it’s okay-”
“I’m sure he did!” Santa said. “But does fixing one’s mistakes really make you a good person, or is it just the very least one could do?” Another flash of disappointment from Santa to Okarun. “Who was it, exactly, that let young Momo Ayase get kidnapped in the first place?”
Okarun flinched as if he’d been slapped in the face.
She stepped in between them, anger roaring. “Don’t talk to him like that, you old shithead! It wasn’t his fault, and he did everything he could to help me!”
“Listen, I understand your frustration!” Santa said, holding up his hands to calm her down. “You disagree with how I make my determinations, and you’re more than welcome to do so. I never claimed my list is a perfect arbiter of moral character after all.” He clapped his hands together happily. “But it is the closest thing to one! Given that, it might be worth asking yourself, Ken Takakura.” He put a hand on Okarun’s shoulder, staring down at him. “Do you think you deserve to be on the Nice List?”
He shrunk into himself, smaller than she’d ever seen him, even more so than that day she met him as he was being pelted by paper balls.
“…M…maybe not…”
She growled, slapping Santa’s stupid hand off of Okarun. “He totally frickin’ does! And if he’s not on it, then all that means is your dumb list isn’t worth shit!”
Santa’s stern gaze finally fell on her. “You’re really willing to stand here before me, the embodiment of Christmas itself, and cast doubt on the very foundation on which it’s built? Just for your friend?”
“You’re damn right I am!”
Santa narrowed his eyes at her.
He clutched at his belly, laughing uproariously.
“Oh ho ho, so fiercely loyal to your friends!” he said. “No wonder you’re on the Nice List!”
“Okarun is the same friggin’ way you piece of-”
“Anyways, I must be off!” Santa said. “Merry Christmas, Momo Ayase!”
“Shove it up your ass, Santa!”
He ignored her, turning once again to Okarun.
“And Ken Takakura…”
Okarun looked up shyly at Santa Claus, eyes glimmering with one last bit of hope.
Santa patted him on the shoulder.
“Keep working on it, okay buddy?”
Okarun completely crumpled, nodding sheepishly at the floor.
Momo was gonna fuckin’ kill this guy.
But just as she summoned up her telekinetic fists, Santa dispersed into a blizzard of snowflakes that wound through the air back to the sleigh. He reformed in the front seat and pressed a button on a console inside, and the sleigh shot up off the roof with an explosive poof and a cloud of black smoke. It hung in the air for a moment, like an ornament on a tree.
“Thanks again!” Santa called down. “Ohhh ho ho ho!”
The sleigh shot off like a missile, world flickering between normal and Empty Space a few times before it finally got out of range.
“Man, fuck that guy,” Momo said. She grabbed onto Okarun’s arm, trying to shake him out of his funk. “Don’t listen to him Okarun, you’re a good person. The best person!”
His arm was limp in her grasp.
“…Y-yeah, right,” he said, voice thick with misery.
She frowned, heart aching at the sight and sound of Okarun being so down. Wasn’t it her job to protect him from the people who make him feel that way? Ugh, she totally screwed the pooch on this one.
“Look, Okarun-”
“We should… get back to class,” he said, tugging away from her. “We’re already pretty late…”
He hurried back inside, door closing behind him, leaving her on the roof alone.
She sighed. Pulled the book out from under her arm. Her fingers glided over the cover – a picture of Ken Takakura sitting in a theater seat – and traced out the chiseled jaw of her actor crush.
“Oh Ken-san, what are we gonna do about this one?”
*
It wasn’t often a person got objective proof that they were a bad person.
The cool surface of his desk bit into his cheek. He stared off to the side, straight through Vamola next to him, ignoring her worried glances. The teacher droned on and on, about something Ken couldn’t spare a scrap of attention for. Santa Claus’s words repeated over and over in his head.
He’s not on the Nice List!
The closest thing to a perfect arbiter of moral character, and Ken came up short.
Before today, if someone had asked him whether or not he was a good person, he might not have said yes, but he wouldn’t have said no. He helped people when he could, didn’t he? He was confident enough in himself by now to admit that he had saved lives.
But he had said it before, hadn’t he? He only did what anyone would do. He helped the people right in front of him, and didn’t do anything for anyone else. And how long had he closed himself off, ignoring anyone and everyone, blinding himself to whatever troubles they faced? Given all that, Santa was right; he couldn’t say he deserved to be on the Nice List.
A good person, someone who deserved to be on the list, would go beyond. Go out of their way to help others no matter the situation.
Like Miss Ayase.
Ever since meeting her, he had tried to be like her. To shape himself into the kind of person that she could be proud to have as a friend. That, maybe, she could be proud to have as something more.
He clenched his fist.
Ken wasn’t a good person. But all that meant was that he had to try harder to become one.
As soon as the bell rang for lunch, he dashed over to the Class Representative, ready to start.
“M-Miss Sawaki!” he declared, as people shuffled out of the classroom.
She startled, shying away for a second before her professionalism pushed through. “O-oh! Takakura, what can I help you with?”
“Er.” As if the shyness she threw off landed on him, he hesitated, rubbing at his neck. “I, um. Was actually wondering if you needed help with anything…?”
Her eyebrows wrinkled with confusion. “Um.” She pointed at a big stack of papers on the teacher’s desk. “I suppose I those handouts need to be taken to Miss Adachi-”
“ALLOW ME!” he declared, running over and scooping them up into his arms.
“…Thanks?” she replied.
He turned to Vamola and Sakata, who had come up behind him, staring at him oddly.
“You can let everyone know I’m gonna be busy for a bit,” Ken said to the two of them before heading out.
He ended up spending his whole lunch break running around, searching for people who needed help. Mostly people were just weirded out by him approaching, but a few accepted his help, letting him carry their bags, or clean up small messes, or buy them some snacks. A lot of that last one.
But he did it all happily. This was the start of a new him. He’d build himself up one good deed at a time until he finally got on that Nice List, and became the kind of person Momo would be happy to call her-
“Okarun.”
He froze in the middle of the hallway, folded chairs dangling from his arms.
He cleared his throat.
“…Yes, Miss Ayase?” he said, turning to her.
She stared at him, unimpressed.
“Missed you at lunch today,” she said, with no inflection.
He set one of the chairs down against his side, and adjusted his glasses. “W-well, you know, I got… caught up in a couple of things…”
“Uh huh.” She tapped her foot impatiently, glancing down at the chairs. “And, what were caught up doing, exactly?”
“Just, a few things people needed help with…” he said.
“And, these are things they asked you for?” she said.
“…More or less…”
“Ugh.” She stormed over, yanking the other chair out of his hand. “This is about what Santa said earlier, isn’t it? He said some bullshit, and now you’re doing dumb chores for other people that they coulda done themselves!”
“Th-that’s-”
“Okarun, don’t listen to him! That old fart doesn’t know anything about anything, he sucks!”
His eyes fell to the autographed Ken Takakura book she was still pinching between her arm and side.
“Apparently he’s fine enough for you to keep the gift…”
“Well I’m not just gonna throw it away!” she said, clutching at it defensively for a second. With a quick swipe of her powers, she scooped up both chairs and set them up against the wall. “Okarun, you don’t need some bunk list to tell you you’re a good person, you got me to do that!”
“I…” He let out an embarrassed breath. “I’m glad you think so, but this is literally Santa we’re talking about! He’s got an objective list of who’s good and bad, I think it’s reasonable to be upset that I don't match up!”
“Or he has a stupid list that means nothing! Probably that one!” She dropped some of her frustration, concern peeking through. “I just don’t want you goin’ around thinking you’re a bad person, you’re not! You don’t need to waste your time trying to impress some magic old geezer who blows!”
“He’s not who I’m trying to impress!”
It came out before he could stop it, and he could feel his cheeks warming at the slip up.
Miss Ayase’s eyes widened briefly, before slivering with suspicion.
She darted in close, trapping his arm with hers.
“And, who you tryin’ to impress then?” She leaned her face in close.
“Th-that’s…” He tried to pull away, but she had an iron grip on him, so all he could do was extend his neck away from her. “No one…”
She grumbled, and pushed at him until his other shoulder hit the wall, squeezing him against it. “Tell me.” She pressed even harder. “Tell me!”
“I-it’s..!”
She was so close now, her auburn hair dripping down to his shoulder, bangs tickling at his cheek. Close enough he could feel her body heat jump the gap from her face to his. And, was she blushing too…?
The bell rang. Lunch break over.
“I, I’ve gotta get back to class!” he shouted, slipping out like a slimy fish between fingers.
“Okarun!” she yelled out after him.
He rushed back to class, and the second he sat back down his head fell right back to the desk, demoralized. Because during interaction he figured out exactly why he wasn’t on the Nice List.
It really was all about impressing Miss Ayase, wasn’t it? Why he did so many of the things he did. But a good person should do things for the sake of it, not to raise their image in the mind of the person they loved.
He wanted to be a good person, he did, but how was he supposed to divorce that from wanting to do it for Miss Ayase? Even if he managed to do that, become a good person for its own sake, wouldn’t the starting motivation still have been her? Was there literally any reason he could come up with that wouldn’t somehow trace back to Miss Ayase, and the way she lifted him up? Was the whole thing a forgone conclusion, Ken to forever be off the Nice List because he could never truly be good for selfless reasons?
He ruminated on it for hours, until he finally couldn’t stand it anymore. He needed some advice, from someone who knew exactly what it meant to be naughty or nice.
He leapt out of his chair. “I need to talk to Santa about this!”
He grabbed his bag and dashed out of the classroom, ignoring the snickering and the teacher telling him to sit back down. He had something more important to do.
-
He found Santa exactly where he expected, working on his sleigh in the Serpo workshop.
Santa had appropriated a number of alien machines and gathered them around his vehicle, some of them working autonomously with strange, robotic limbs, others feeding data back and forth between thick wires to consoles and screens. The jolly man himself tapped at the symbols of unparseable keyboards as if he was perfectly fluent, a serious look on his face as he diagnosed and fixed.
“Santa?” Ken said, breaking through the noise of machinery.
As if he’d been expecting Ken, Santa turned with a smile lighting up his eyes. “Ken Takakura! Wonderful to see you again!”
Ken rubbed bashfully at his arms. “Even though I’m not on the Nice List…?”
Santa sighed, stepping away from the consoles he was overseeing. “Oh, Ken. I know it can be hard to come to terms with, but whatever list someone is on, I still care deeply for them! After all, placement on the list is not permanent; people can change! If they work hard, those who are naughty may just find their way onto the Nice List!” He tapped at his gift sack, sitting on the floor beside him.
Ken ran up to him, determined. “Th-that’s exactly what I’m here for! I, I wanna know how I can become a truly good person, someone who really deserves to be on the Nice List!”
Santa let out a contented sigh. He placed a supportive hand on Ken’s shoulder.
“I’m proud of you for coming to me, Ken. It takes a big person to admit they can improve!”
Ken’s chest inflated, happy that he made the right decision.
“There is one simple thing you can do!” Santa said.
“Anything, tell me!”
Another big smile that squeezed Santa’s eyes nearly shut.
“You can get in my bag!”
“…Huh?”
With a deceptive strength, Santa grabbed Ken by the back of his neck and scooped him into the mouth of the Christmas sack before he could even fight back. Ken fell, and fell, and fell, through a void he couldn’t see through, his screams drowned out by the sound of joyous Christmas laughter ringing like bells behind him.
*
The second Momo saw that Okarun wasn’t in his classroom when the day ended, she sighed.
She waited by the door with Aira and Jiji until the Perv and Vamola followed the flow of students out, and she asked them the question she was worried she already knew the answer to. “The hell is Okarun?”
The Perv adjusted his glasses in a way that was obviously him copying Okarun. “Private Takakura left all of a sudden on what looked like a very important mission.”
“Santa!” Vamola offered, repeating what she’d heard.
Momo groaned.
“Damnit.” She pointed to Aira and Jiji. “C’mon you two, we gotta go take care o’ this.”
The Perv cut in, eyes flaring with determination. “Will you be needing the assistance of Gale Wind Albert to-”
“No it’s fine, we got this,” she said. “Just walk Vamola home for me, yeah? And no funny business!”
He blushed. “O-Of course! Such a sacred mission can only be entrusted to-”
“And Vamola,” she said seriously. She handed over the photobook of Ken-san. “Take this with you and guard it with your life. Sacrifice The Perv if you have to.”
Vamola nodded, just as serious, clutching the book tight in her arms.
“H-hey, surely my life is more important than that!”
“Nope.” She gestured to Jiji and Aira and they started heading out.
“…Did Vamola say Santa?” Aira asked.
“Yeah, he showed up this morning,” Momo said.
“Santa Claus is real?”
“And in Japan?” Jiji asked.
“Yeah it’s a whole thing,” Momo said. “He’s why Empty Space was flickering earlier.”
“I was wondering about that,” Aira said.
“Santa’s an alien??”
She filled them in as they rushed over to the emptied Serpo base, really doing her best to get across what a huge asshole Santa was. Soon they were at the building, some nondescript 2-story office type that anyone in the city would look right past, filled with just enough unused office equipment on the first floor to look legit. But they piled into the elevator in the back and she hit the basement button, taking them to the workshop.
The doors opened with a pleasant ding, into the wide space of the alien workshop, various equipment shelves acting as walls that blocked the view deeper in. Unlike when she’d left, it was filled with the sounds of motors and pneumatic popping, machinery active. Sterile blue lights filled random screens and outlined wires and buttons. A sickly sweet smell of peppermint hit her nostrils, overbearing. A gentle voice hummed a soft Christmas tune, somehow audible even through the workshop noise.
“You better watch out. You better not cry. You better not pout, I’m tellin’ you why.
“Santa Claus is coming, to town.”
They rounded the corner into the open workspace to find the embodiment of Christmas himself, standing tall underneath a vehicle lift that had his sleigh on it. Alien tools connected by long cables to strange machines sparked with synthetic light as he applied them to the sleigh, flashing his face in harsh reds and oranges, making his crisp white beard look like flame.
“SANTA!” she called out. “Where’s Okarun!”
He stopped his working, his singing. He turned to them slowly. He lifted off his work goggles, revealing a grim look to his eyes.
That immediately brightened when he registered them.
“Momo Ayase!” he said jovially. “How happy I am that I get to see you again!”
“Shut up you old fart and answer my question!”
“And you’ve brought your friends!” he said, ignoring her. “Young Jin Enjoji and young Aira Shiratori. How truly lovely it is to meet the two of you!”
Jiji gasped. “Omigod it actually is Santa!” He waved wildly at the bastard. “HI SANTA, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU TOO!”
“Jiji!”
“Stay on track, Enjoji!” Aira stepped forward, addressing Santa. “We’re here to convince you that someone as sweet as Takakura deserves to be on the Nice List!”
“That ain’t why we’re here!”
Santa laughed his jolly laughter. “Well, I’m helping Ken with just that! He’s working hard to become a better person, and you should leave him to it.” He looked knowingly at Aira. “After all, I have it on good authority he’s doing it to impress a young laaadyyyy!”
Aira gasped, hands daintily covering her mouth. “He’s doing it to impress me?!”
“He is not!” Momo narrowed her eyes at Santa. “B-but, did he say who?”
Santa made a zipper motion across his lips.
Momo growled. “Whatever! He doesn’t have to prove anything to anyone! Now tell us where he is!”
“Sorry, no can do! We’ve entered an accord, he and I. He’ll be working with me for the near future until I feel he has made his way onto the Nice List!”
“And how long will that take??” Jiji asked.
Santa shrugged. “Decade or two? I dunno. Hard to tell with these things.”
“A decade?!” Aira screeched.
“Yeah, ain’t happenin’,” Momo said, summoning her psychic hands, posing them like wings behind her. “So we’re just take him back ourselves.”
He finally dropped the bullshit holly-jollyness, eyes going sharp and dangerous. But in an on-high kind of way, like a toddler about to step on a bug because it annoyed them.
“You really think you three children can do anything to stop me? Father Christmas himself?” He dropped the tools he was still holding and took a few heavy steps towards them, boots echoing like hammer strikes against the floor. “I almost want to see you try.”
“We ain’t gonna try, we’re gonna do it!” Momo said. “I don’t know why you want Okarun so bad, but we’re gettin’ him back!”
Santa raised a hand and snapped a thick, gloved finger against his palm.
In a puff of snow and sparkles, new figures appeared in the workshop. Nine ethereal, demonic reindeer, antlers branching out in razor sharp fractals, slobbering with fury, stamping their hooves at the ground with violent anticipation. Twice as many little gnomes hopping and dancing with bloodthirsty glee, teeth like knives, eyes bulging with hatred.
“You wanna know why I want him?” Santa said. “Well, I’ve got good use for kids like him.”
“Like him?” Momo spat out.
Santa smiled, wider than ever before, and for the first time she saw his teeth through the mass of his facial hair, gleaming whiter than snow.
“Kids who won’t be missed.”
A cold anger settled into her, one that could out-freeze the North Pole, and she could feel it sweep over Aira and Jiji too, their faces set like stone.
“If that’s the kinda person you’re looking for…” She cracked her knuckles against her palm. “Then you really fucked up, Santa.”
“Please! Santa is what I’m called when I’m not about to smoke someone. You…”
Two sharp points stabbed out of his forehead, before erupting completely out, curving around his head as two long horns. His heavy weight melted away to something lean and lithe, his coat falling open to reveal hard, solid muscle. His boots popped open in a squeak of tearing leather as his feet changed, the nails of one growing into claws and the other turning cloven, legs now streaked in thick, black fur. In one fluid motion, he grabbed the sack sitting next to him with one arm and swung it easily over his shoulder.
“Can call me Krampus.”
“We’re not gonna do anything other than kick your Kramp-ass.”
With a scraping, ghostly bray, the reindeers charged forth.
It was pure pandemonium after that. The nine reindeer, massive as Clydesdales, leapt around wildly, trying to gore them with their antlers or kick them with their back feet. Immediately, Aira scooped Momo and Jiji up in her long yōkai hair and danced them around, avoiding the creatures with acrobatic grace. Their vicious horns slammed into metal walls, gouging inches deep, their hooves cracked through steel beams and concrete, every miss a near death encounter for Momo and her friends.
Half the little gnome lads rolled forward like hedgehogs, kicking up and snapping at her with their awful little teeth, sharp enough to tear flesh and muscle, while others grabbed whatever pieces of things were lying around, tossing them with extraordinary precision at Momo and her friends. She blocked it all with a teal barrier while Jiji kicked all the ones that got close away, utilizing his soccer skills to knock them into each other.
And behind it all, Santa Krampus stood, weaving sparkling Christmas magic into swells of yuletide frost, sending them out as slaps of wind and spinning twisters, frightfully cold. The workshop quickly turned into a frozen winter wonderland, packed with sloping hills of snow, snowflakes so thick in the air everything started to blur.
Aira let them go, and the three of them took on the reindeers head on, three each; Aira whipping at hers, wrapping them up and throwing them around, Jiji sending out chi beams into his, blasting them into racks of equipment and toppling it over onto them, Momo outright punching their wild, flailing bodies with heavy psychic fists.
It quickly became clear this wasn’t working. Whatever those things were, they didn’t seem to stay down very long, dissipating and reforming like specters whenever they took a big enough hit. The Yule Lads kept attacking their blind spots whenever they did manage to push the reindeers back enough, teeth scraping across her legs, torso pelted by sharp bits of debris, and all the while the air grew colder and colder, her teeth chattering, body shivering.
They needed Okarun.
Where was he? Trapped somewhere where he couldn’t hear any of this, couldn’t go yōkai and escape? She vaguely remembered hearing about a Krampus entity, related to Santa in a few ways. Something about kidnapping naughty kids, and putting them…
“We gotta get his sack!” Momo said. “Me ‘n Jiji will hit him with something big, Aira you pull it in when we do!”
“Got it!”
They rushed forward, right towards Krampus.
As if sensing the shift in plans, he stitched together more holiday joy into a blisteringly cold blizzard, pushing out from him in blasts of harsh wind. The Yule Lads began throwing each other at them, trying to get in the way, and a solitary reindeer galloped onto a snowy hill, with his nose so bright. From the glowing bulb, a sizzling red laser shot out and carved its way towards them, forcing them to wind and zigzag through the increasingly deep snow.
But it gave her a perfect idea.
After bowling through a wall of Yule Lads, after knocking away the pack of reindeers, she flung out a psychic hand and grabbed a piece of shining metal that had broken off the walls. The red-nosed reindeer fired off another beam, scorching through the frost and leaving steam in its wake, and just as the beam got close she threw the metal against it, reflecting it off and angling it right at Krampus’ face.
“AAGH!” He scrubbed at his eyes with his two newly clawed hands. “Gonna turn you into glue for that one!” He snapped his fingers blindly, and the laser reindeer vanished in a poof of silver bells and holly.
And while he was blind, Momo and Jiji took their aim, her hands in a heart, his palms out and forward.
“Moe Moe Tri-beam!”
“Evil Gun!”
Their attacks swirled together and shot forward, a teal and purple missile of energy, and slammed into Krampus’ body just as Aira wrapped a few tendrils of her hair around his sack.
Krampus flew backwards, sack pulling out of his hands, and he crashed into a huge wall of machinery with a deafening series of sparks and pops.
Aira flung the bag into Momo’s arms and stood with Jiji, a wall between her and the threats still on the ground.
Momo yanked the bag open and thrust a long, telekinetic arm into the opening.
“OKARUN!” she yelled into it.
She didn’t know how this thing worked. Looking in, it was just a black void, and she could tell it was really big in there, hand not touching anything even when she extended it as far as she could. She swung it in circles, hoping to contact anything at all, while Jiji fired more chi blasts at attacking reindeer, while Aira whipped away vicious, snapping Yule Lads and incoming projectiles.
And just as she was considering just throwing herself inside, a hand grabbed onto hers.
She pulled.
And Okarun came flying out.
“Okarun!”
She ended up pulling him right into her, his body all but tackling her back and slamming her to the ground. But she didn’t care; she laughed, and hugged him tight, letting his body heat replace the warmth she was losing to the snow.
“M-Miss Ayase!” he cried, holding on to her just as tight, face all but nuzzling into her neck. “You, you saved me! Thank you!”
“Always, Okarun,” she said. She shoved them up with a slap of her psychic hand and gently pried him off of her. “Are you okay??”
“Miss Ayase, it was awful in there!” His eyes were on the verge of tears, lips wobbling fearfully. “I was trapped in some weird Christmas dimension and forced to make toys! Just endless amounts of Minecraft and Five Nights at Freddy’s toys, over and over!”
“Oh Okarun, that’s-” She finally gave him a look over. She lost whatever she was gonna say.
She snorted, slapping her hand over her mouth to stop a bigger outburst.
He scoffed. “Are you laughing at my forced servitude?!”
“No! I’m laughing at what you’re wearing!”
Jolly green tunic with a bright red collar of triangles across the neck, and a pair of very short shorts in the same green color. Red-and-white striped socks that covered his entire legs and similarly patterned warmers on his arms. Long, dangling hat with a fluffy poof at the end. Shoes that curled at the tips into little jingle bells that sounded off with every movement of his feet.
Her laughter finally broke free and she held her stomach as she cackled, gasping in breaths when she could, feet stamping at the snow.
“This isn’t funny, it’s traumatizing!” Okarun said.
Aira’s yōkai mask snapped away for just a moment, letting her speak normally, smiling with glee. “Takakura, you look so cute!” She grabbed a reindeer with her hair and swept it across a gaggle of Yule Lads.
“Yeah, you’re rockin’ the little shoe bells!” Jiji added, blasting two more reindeers with an Evil Gun.
Okarun growled, yanking off the bells and throwing them to the ground.
There was an explosion as Krampus tore himself free from the machinery he’d been lodged into. He threw his hand up, and the Christmas sack shot towards him on its own, compelled by holly-jolly magic. His frosty gaze fell on Okarun through all the chaos.
“You sure you wanna turn your back on me, Ken Takakura? Don’t you want to learn how to be a good person?!”
Okarun stood up, pulling her up with him. “I’m not gonna become a better person by making toys! I don’t think you know anything at all about what it means to be good!”
“You tell him, Elfkarun!”
“Don’t call me that!”
A whirling ball of condensed blizzard formed in Krampus’s palm.
“Have it your way.”
He fired it forward, hurricane winds scraping at their skin.
“Okarun, let’s go!” she said, blocking her eyes with her forearms.
“Hold on!” Okarun took the time to carefully set aside his backpack that he still had, before coming back. She questioned him with a disbelieving shrug. He ignored it, going yōkai mode, his elf clothes somehow melding perfectly into the crawling flame-like flickering of the form. He crouched down and she quickly clambered onto his back.
“I’m goin’ ALL OUT!”
Aira and Jiji cleared out a path forward and Okarun shot straight through, as if the frigid winds didn’t exist at all. She pointed her psychic fists forward, a telekinetic battering ram.
They collided with Krampus, her fists against his face, Okarun’s forearms into his gut.
They crashed him back into the sparking machinery behind him with a force that shook the workshop, quaking through the metal and stone. They completely flattened all the equipment in the way, carving into the wall, crumbling rock dripping from the outer sections of the crater. Between them and the wall, Krampus’s tall body was limp, eyes blank with unconsciousness.
Okarun pulled away, and Krampus plopped heavily to the ground.
The reindeers vanished, along with the Yule Lads; but the fields of snow stayed, almost looking serene in the absence of stuff trying to kill them.
She sighed with relief, and the two of them walked back to their friends.
“Takakura!” Aira said. “Can you do this for a second?” She held her hand up in a V-sign.
Confused, he hesitated for a moment before doing it, holding a V next to his face, the poof of his floppy hat in between.
Aira quickly flipped open her phone and took a picture.
“M-Miss Shiratori??”
She laughed deviously as she examined her pic of Elfkarun.
“H-Hey!” Momo said. “Delete that!”
“I’ll show it to you whenever you want,” Aira said coolly.
“Then, you can keep it!”
“No she can’t!” Okarun said.
“Hey, Okarun?” Jiji cut in. “I’m glad you’re alright, but… did you guys just kill Santa Claus?”
He and Momo traded looks.
“Uh, well-”
“Of COURSE they didn’t!”
They all turned around to find Santa Claus up again, back in his portly, jolly form and in the front seat of his sleigh, bag sat neatly on behind him. He looked down on them, blue eyes beaming like twin North Stars.
“You think you can kill me?” he shouted. “I’m fucking Santa Claus! I’m the most well-known figure on the damn planet! As long as gifts are traded on cold winter days, as long as joy and whimsy exists in the hearts of children, I will be here to take advantage of it!” He slammed his fist on the console of the sleigh, and with a buzzing crackle it lifted up into the air. “You may have exhausted me for now, but you have made a powerful enemy today! Say goodbye to the Naughty and Nice lists, and say hello to Santa’s Revenge List. People don’t ever get off of that one!”
With a high pitched whine, they were flung back into Empty Space by the sleigh, no more flickering back and forth between worlds.
“I will be back another day,” Santa said. “To give you all a Very Merry Ass-Kicking!” The sleigh shot off like a rocket, carving through the walls like a hot knife through snow, with his last cry resounding through the hole.
“HO HO HO!”
“Yeah and we’ll beat your ass then too!” Momo called after him.
The sight of his sleigh slowly shrunk in the distance, until it vanished entirely, taking Empty Space with it.
Aira groaned.
“I can’t believe we just pissed off one of the most powerful entities in the entire world.”
Okarun played with the hair peeking out from under his hat. “S-sorry, guys, I know that’s my fault, since you had to come rescue me…”
“It’s whatevs, man!” Jiji said. “I’d take Okarun over Santa any day!”
“Exactly!” Momo said, wrapping an arm around his neck and tugging him close. His cheeks went rosy red as they scraped against hers. “Far as I’m concerned, we’ve solved what we needed to solve!”
“…Right,” Okarun said, hesitant. “Although…” She threw her eyebrow up at him, and he winced. “There were other people in the bag too. Like, a lot of them.”
The rest of them winced along with him.
“I think we’re just gonna have to let that one go…” Aira said.
“Yeah…” Momo said. “Let’s just get the hell out of here already, I’m freezin’ my nards off here!”
“M-Miss Ayase!”
-
Despite everything that happened, Okarun insisted on walking her home.
It ended up being much quieter than their usual walks, when he escorted her from work. The ones where her hand naturally slid into his, accustomed to it by now, the weather always just cold enough to need it no matter the actual temperature. But she held off on doing it here, energy feeling a bit off.
Okarun was still embarrassed over what happened, she could tell. A bit shrunken into himself, not even glancing sideways at her, eyes always forward. She wished she knew how to pull him out of it. She’d have no problems telling him over and over that no one blamed him, that whatever Santa said he really was good, but he clearly didn’t believe the sentiment coming from her. Stupid Okarun.
They got all the way to the front torii gate, mostly in silence, before he finally said something.
“I’m sorry, Miss Ayase.”
She clicked her tongue. “Okarun, you don’t have to apologize for gettin’ grabbed! If anything it just makes us even, since I got grabbed this morning!”
“That’s not why,” he said. “It’s just… you were right the whole time. Santa sucks, and I shouldn’t have cared so much about what he thought.” He rubbed at the back of his neck, looking off at one of the posts of the torii gate. “I’m sorry for not listening to you.”
A swell of affection swept over her, squeezing at her eyes, corners of her mouth going up.
“Don’t need to apologize, Okarun,” she said. “It’s not bad to wanna be good. It’s just, you already are.”
He finally looked at her, pretty brown eyes finding hers, a shy smile on his lips.
“…Do you really think so?”
Her gaze fell down to his hand; she reached out and grabbed it.
Not the whole thing. Just his index finger, pulling the rest of it closer. In the moment, full on holding hands seemed too much, but she wanted to do something, and so she just played with his fingers, tugging at them this way or that with both of her hands.
“You’re like, the best person I know, okay?” she said. She looked back at him, up through her lashes. “Don’t… don’t let anyone make you think otherwise.”
His hand was limp in her grasp, at her mercy. He swallowed, lips staying just a bit open.
“…Okay, Miss Ayase. Thank you.”
She finally let him go and he swung his arm back to his side; she caught his thumb tracing out the spots where her hands had touched.
“Oh!” he said suddenly. “Before I leave, I have something for you!”
“Huh?”
He took his backpack off and opened it up, carefully taking something out of it. “That Christmas dimension I was stuck in, it was kind of this infinite, non-Euclidean factory? Making just about everything, including food and stuff. And before you got me out I managed to swipe something from one of the bakeries.”
He pulled out a small box of thin cardboard, decorated with snowflakes, somehow in shape despite having been in a backpack. She took it from him, and carefully opened up the top lip from where it tucked into the side.
A simple strawberry shortcake sat inside, some of the strawberries drooping off the side but otherwise whole and intact.
“That’s why you pointed it out this morning, right? Because you wanted one? I know it’s not exactly an autographed photobook, but I figured…”
She stared at the mounds of strawberry, alternating between dollops of white frosting. The box funneled the tart smell of strawberries and the sweetness of sugar right into her nose, scooping through her sinuses and prickling at her taste buds.
She closed the lid and held it close, careful not to squish it.
“…Yeah, it’s not,” she said. “It’s even better.”
“…I’m glad, Miss Ayase,” he said. “Maybe you can enjoy it with Miss Seiko and Vamola.”
Her eyes shot to his. A blaze of irritation furrowed her brows.
“Stupid Okarun!”
“What did I do, I thought you just said you liked it?!”
She clicked her tongue, then grabbed him by the wrist and started tugging him towards her house.
“Fine, I will eat it with them, but you’re havin’ a piece too!”
“B-but, I-”
“Just come on!”
She yanked him inside, slamming the door to her home firmly shut behind them.
*