Chapter Text
The moment Caleb is out of the therapist's office, he puts in his earbuds and plays whatever song was playing when he arrived. It's not particularly fitting for the moment, so he changes it to something more emotionally engaged. After all, the whole point of the music is to drown out the outside world, to place Caleb into his own bubble. And right now, he needs to move, to hear an energy that matches his own.
His stomach is starting to hurt from the way he's been clenching his muscles at the new information. The possibility still cannot coexist with his reality thus far. So Caleb simply walks back home while his mind tries to make connections about things that happened in his life and what they might actually mean.
To say that the session has been revelatory would be an understatement. But also hard to internalize and take as fact. He doesn't notice he is picking at the skin around his nails until he is climbing the stairs towards his floor. It's always been a relief that his therapist resides on campus, but today more than ever.
If people say hi to Caleb on his way up, he doesn't notice it. And if Mollymauk says something when he enters their shared room, Caleb cannot hear him. He goes through the ritual of taking off his scarf and jacket and putting his belongings in their place first. Only when he goes to take off his shirt and cannot due to the wire of the earbuds does he take them out.
"Caleb?" Mollymauk softly speaks when it is clear he has a chance to. And Caleb freezes, even if Mollymauk doesn't know any of what is going on through his head. "How was therapy?"
He presses his lips together and his fingers clench. The instinct to make himself small wins over the logical part of his mind that knows Mollymauk will listen. "I, ah- a lot." Caleb manages to part with, and starts to change into more comfortable clothing.
The moment the large knit sweater he has been wearing recently envelops him he feels a little safer. He wraps his arms around himself as nonchalantly as possible after getting settled atop his bed. He does want to talk to Mollymauk about it, to have him physically close- he just doesn't know how emotional he will get.
"Can I join you?" Molly asks and Caleb doesn't hesitate before nodding. They both have their individual struggles, and Mollymauk has always made Caleb feel safe to share his burden. And Caleb has been told much the same from him. "Do you want to talk about it?" he continues to ask after settling next to Caleb, not touching, but within reach.
"I might- get overwhelmed." Caleb answers instead and Mollymauk hums, knowing how to read him and his reluctance to burden anyone.
A warm hand settles on Caleb's knee. "Tell me, love, what has you so far away from me?" the way in which Mollymauk handles Caleb in moments like these makes Caleb's heart melt. So much care he's always felt undeserving of.
"We were talking, like normal, and then he asked me if I've ever thought of the possibility of being-" Caleb can't bring himself to say it, shame curling its fingers around his throat. "There may be- a reason- for so many things I never understood. For ways in which I've struggled ever since I was little."
When Caleb stops speaking for a minute, Mollymauk's other hand goes to rest on his opposite shoulder, rubbing circles into the joint. "Is that a bad thing?" confusion is clear in Mollymauk's voice, but so is the softness with which he wants to handle this.
A small sob gets caught in Caleb's throat, coming out as a pained, bitten off laugh. He curls in further and Mollymauk seems to follow. "It's bad because there are so many things I thought were normal that are not- so many things I feel that others don't experience. And there's no way to make it go away ever."
"Oh, Caleb. Darling, can I hold you?" the plea makes Caleb turn and throw himself into Mollymauk's arms. The tiefling lands on the mattress and pulls Caleb in, cradling his head and lightly petting his hair in the way he knows he likes. Being hidden away in Molly's arms makes it easier to exist in this moment of vulnerability.
Mollymauk has been one of the few people that have made Caleb feel seen, understood- not alone.
But tonight, Caleb feels there is no one on this earth that could fill this hole in his chest. No, knowing he is inherently different makes him resent the fact that he has been given breath. The fact that others do not even know of the impossible position he has been put in since the moment he was born.
"I'm right here, love. You are still my Caleb, no matter what you found." Mollymauk's words make Caleb bitterly laugh through his tears. He wants to believe it, desperately so.
"I don't even know if I'm- The diagnosis process is long and expensive and I might just be a fraud- damaged in many ways." Caleb curls his fingers into the meat of Mollymauk's chest. "But so many things fit. I don't know if I'm going crazy or if I'm just-" that makes laughter bubble up in Caleb's throat again, the word disabled screaming in the back of his mind. He feels nauseous at the thought of uttering it.
"You're overwhelmed, dear." Mollymauk provides and kisses the top of Caleb's head. He is still rubbing circles into his back and playing with his hair to soothe him. "Who wouldn't be after finding out something that might have affected them their whole life? If this was a physical illness you'd find it justified, no?"
Mollymauk has a point and Caleb isn't stubborn enough to disregard it. He tries to nod and breathe and slow the torrent of negative emotions. Something good can come of this too, clarity, the possibility of acceptance.
"I don't know if I'm more scared of it being real or still not having an answer." Caleb whispers back with wetness in his voice and Mollymauk hums and allows him to just let it all out.
"Whatever happens, we'll be here for you, love. Anything you need." That makes Caleb lightly whine and clutch at Mollymauk's body, as if to stop him from running away.
"'m sorry." Caleb whispers, unsure of what he is apologizing for. And Mollymauk shushes him softly, giving him another kiss on the top of his head. He still feels mournful for all the care gone into him- into someone that cannot get better. At least that is how Caleb sees it right now.
"It's going to be okay. You're going to be okay." the conviction behind Mollymauk's voice makes Caleb sigh pitifully and go slightly boneless in the hold.
He is exhausted and he wants to believe those words to be the truth. Regardless of the validity of the fact that he is somewhere on the spectrum for autism, Caleb just wants to be okay.