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The shower head broke as Naruto punched the wall. He fell to his knees, leaned his head on the ground as water poured out on him. As it filled his nose, he had to breathe through his mouth, panting. “Why couldn’t I have been there? Why was I not with him? I could have saved him if I had known, I could have gotten him back safely. He shouldn’t have been there at all, it was too dangerous,” he pleaded to his shower floor. Was he begging Tsunade? Jiraiya? Himself?
“WHY, WHY, please let me take his place, please, I should have been the one, I could have done something, why didn’t I do something?!” His hands gripped his hair, pushing down on his scalp, trying to sink into the ground. The beginnings of claws prickled on his fingertips.
Why didn’t Tsunade- No. Blaming her changes nothing. It hurts her so much more. She got to have more years with him, a lifetime as a teammate. He shouldn’t compare his pain.
The scream tore through his throat, an animalistic yowl. The inhales were strained, and the exhales non-human sounding. You’re gonna scare everyone if they see you like this. It doesn’t matter what you’re going through; you’re dangerous. It doesn’t matter that the closest thing to a father you’ve had is GONE, they won’t care, they’ll just see an- “animal. I look like an animal,” he looks into the cracked mirror on the wall. His eyes, under the wet mess of hair, are split-pupiled. He can feel the Nail-Tails awaken, curious if this is going anywhere. His eyes drop to his chest as he watches his breathing till the cold air becomes noticeable. His hands grip the sides of the sink. What takes more effort, keeping them still or moving at all, so he can smash this mirror?
I would have been there for you, I would have come with you, why didn’t you ask for my help?
He stood there for longer than he could determine, he didn’t break the only mirror in his apartment, he didn’t break anything, because what would really be the point? He could rampage through this entire village if he lost control, and at the end, it still wouldn’t bring Jiraiya back. This wasn’t some magic fairytale. And even if it was, the monster doesn’t get a happy ending.
He could feel his breath pick up as though he’d been running for days; it felt like when he had chased after Sasuke for the first time, pushing and pushing himself towards collapse, except much more painful. His vision swam from both the tears and the hyperventilation.
Afterwards, as Naruto lay in his bed, he staring at his plants and through the window at the night sky. He contemplated how everything has changed, and yet nothing at the same time. Sasuke still needs to be saved, the village protected, all his friends kept safe. Pain, Nagato, whoever caused this, killed him, has to be found and defeated. The only change was that his mentor wouldn’t be around to see all that he’d accomplish. Those dreams of standing in those silly old Hokage robes and hat with Jiraiya at his side to congratulate him, that will never happen. But that doesn’t mean he gets to stop. He still needs to become the Hokage, still has to prove himself, still has to fight, and get stronger, so he can protect everyone else. He must save Sasuke; everything Jiraiya taught him was to defeat and help Sasuke. He’s working on a limited timeline.
His chest felt tight, and as he tried to inhale, it became painful. He honestly didn’t even want to be breathing right now, but that was never an option he had. He has promises to keep, and miles to go before he can sleep.
Naruto got up. He wasn’t going to sleep tonight, so he’d go get food at whatever convenience store was still open at this hour.