Chapter Text
Few first kisses are ideal. Most are a bit clumsy, or awkward, or with the wrong person, or with the right person at the wrong time. With too many feelings, or too few, or the wrong kind. It’s alright, because first kisses don’t have to be perfect—they can still be nice, and even if they aren’t, they are, after all, just the firsts, and there are better kisses to come.
Stede’s first kiss was perfect.
It sucks. It has fucked him over. Set the bar too high. No other kisses have measured up since that first one.
Well, except later kisses with that same person. Those are always, always perfect. But Stede can’t always, always have those, because they are just ‘for fun’ kisses between best friends, and Ed is too cool to want to date someone like Stede anyway.
“Stop teasing me.”
“I’m not! I’m not, I promise. I’m just surprised, that’s all.”
“Surprised? Really? You know I’ve never dated anyone.”
“Not required for kissing, mate.”
Stede huffs and looks at his hands. Sitting cross-legged on Ed’s bed in his small, cramped bedroom, posters and drawings covering the walls, more or less crumpled pieces of paper with more or less finished sketches strewn about, the place Stede has always felt most at home.
Ed invited him over in the afternoon to listen to The Goo Goo Dolls’ newest CD. It’s on the boombox, not that loud, even though they are home alone—his mom is still at work. They have talked through the last four tracks and have somehow landed on Stede’s lack of experience when it comes to the physical aspects of romance.
“Easy for you to say. Bet you’ve kissed plenty of people.”
“How many are ‘plenty’?”
Stede throws a pillow at Ed’s stupid grinning face, but he can’t fully hold back a laugh and kind of snorts on it, which makes Ed laugh, and Stede always gets distracted watching Ed’s face when he laughs, for some reason, so he is caught completely off guard when Ed tackles him.
“You calling me a slut?” Ed pins him to the bed, and they nearly roll off when Stede tries to get free.
“No! Didn’t say that!”
“But the way you said it—”
“Just meant, bet it isn’t hard for you to find people to kiss. Bet everyone wants to kiss you.”
Ed halts, and Stede stops struggling. Both out of breath, Ed straddling Stede, holding his wrists above his head.
Ed lets go. Drops to his forearms, bracketing Stede’s head, face hovering inches from his.
“What are you even moping for? So what, you haven’t kissed anyone. Maybe you just haven’t met someone you wanted to kiss.”
Ed’s lips look soft.
“I don’t wanna be seventeen and still not know anything about kissing.”
“Seventeen’s not late. Not at all, Stede.”
“Easy for you to say.” Stede turns his head and looks at the bird on the windowsill outside. “You’ve even had sex and everything.”
“It’s not a competition.”
Stede doesn’t answer, just looks at the bird.
“Hey.”
Stede tries to look as cross as he can when he turns back to Ed. It’s difficult, because being this close to him does something funny to the way Stede’s heart works, speeding up, skipping beats, not oxygenating his blood like it should, making him all light-headed.
Well, hard to oxygenate when there is not much oxygen in his lungs to speak of, the way he loses his breath every time he accidentally(!) glances down at Ed’s lips, and he can’t fucking stop accidentally(!!) glancing down at Ed’s lips, realizing the frequency makes it seem less accidental(!!!), which makes his heart speed up and skip a beat and his breath catch in his throat—
“Look at me.”
Stede looks into his eyes. He manages to take a deep breath, then another. Ed’s eyes are big enough to get lost in, and Stede can count his lashes. Trying to do that makes it easier to resist looking at Ed’s lips when he speaks.
“Wanna try it? Y’know, I could show you how.”
Speed up, skips a beat.
“Yes,” Stede breathes. “Yes, that would be—yes.”
“What are best friends for, eh?”
Stede returns Ed’s smile, suddenly feeling much calmer. This is Ed, and this is Ed’s bedroom, and there is no safer place or person.
And Ed, his best friend, the coolest person he knows, kisses him.
It’s perfect.
Even better than Stede could have imagined, if he had tried imagining it as more than an abstract hypothetical. Better than what books and movies and fairytales made him believe, and that’s saying something.
It’s mostly lips at first, Ed’s lips, as soft as they look, but then it’s tongues, too, and Ed leads, of course, and Stede follows best he can, one hand in Ed’s curls and one on his back, and he seems to be doing something right—Ed leans into it, deepens the kiss, shifts on top of him until their bodies are pressed together.
Oh god. If this is what kissing is always like, he has been missing out all this time.
Ed does a thing where he massages their tongues together, and if someone had suggested this to Stede three minutes ago, he probably would’ve wrinkled his nose at the idea, but it just feels good and right and god, they’re actually making out, aren’t they? They are making out, he is making out with Ed and it is perfect.
Stede loses track of time. Vaguely, he registers two more songs beginning and ending. When the third one starts, Ed suddenly pulls away from the kiss.
“Oh! I love this one. Listen.”
Stede would rather go back to kissing, but Ed’s full attention is on the song. Stede pouts.
“You listened first without me?”
“Just once or twice. What, you expected me to wait until you could be bothered to leave the country club?”
“You know I hate it there. It’s not like I want to go. But if I try making excuses too often, he’ll catch on.”
“Oh yeah. Mr. Bonnet’s not my biggest fan, I know.” Ed gets a dark look on his face. Stede is sure they’re both thinking about the library incident—or rather, the ‘should’ve been at the library but was at the beach with Ed instead when his father came to check on him’ incident. It had turned ugly. Technically, Stede isn’t supposed to see Ed.
The song fills out the silent space between them. Ed is listening intently, nodding along, his gaze unfocused as if he is not really looking at the poster it’s aimed at.
And the lyrics—well, Stede missed the first part, but they resonate. Actually, he really likes the song, and not just because Ed clearly does.
And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
“What’s it called?”
Ed grunts as he tries reaching for the CD case on the floor, ending up walking his upper body out on his hands with the rest of him still on the bed in order to grab it. He makes his way back to Stede’s side with even more effort. Stede wonders whether simply getting up would’ve been easier, but Ed looks self-satisfied as he brushes his hair out of his face and turns the case over.
“Iris.”
“Can we hear it again?”
This time, Ed does get up, walking over to the boombox to put the song on repeat. He hesitates, then picks the boombox up and carries it back to the bed, placing it on the floor before climbing back in.
There is barely space for the two of them to lie side by side. Stede sneaks a few glances at Ed, who catches him one time, where they both grin and look away. Still, it’s surprising to Stede how it isn’t awkward at all.
On their third listen, Stede is really getting the lyrics, and the song just keeps getting better.
“Wow.”
“Right?” Ed turns to lie on his side, excitement written all over his face. “Told you!”
“I just wanna listen to this all day.”
“Nothing’s stopping us.”
“Except I have to be back for dinner.”
“Yeah, well, still plenty of time.” Ed bites his lip and looks at Stede through his lashes. “Sooo. Did you like the kissing?”
Stede has never liked anything more. “Very much.”
“Would you like to do it again?”
They make out while Iris plays on repeat until Stede ends up being twenty minutes late for dinner, but the scolding is all worth it, and kissing is his new favorite thing.
It soon becomes clear that kissing in general isn’t as wonderful as kissing Ed. Stede tries—not that he gets a lot of chances, despite making an effort to go to parties. He just barely makes the guest lists to those, and only because his father’s friends’ kids kind of have to invite him, not because they really want him there.
Stede doesn’t really want to be there either—he would much rather hang out with Ed. But it’s not a possible alternative, because Ed is at other parties (that sound way more fun) and if Stede were ever to be caught there, he’d be grounded for life.
More than once, he gets along with another outsider at one of these parties, or goes on a few dates with someone his mother unsubtly pushes him to date, and that sometimes ends in kissing. And although he tries replicating what Ed did, it is not the same.
It isn’t a question of more practice, because he gets plenty of practice with Ed. Not every time they hang out, but often. It’s just an activity they can do now. Stede wonders whether it’s just that kissing boys is different from kissing girls, or that Ed being gay is what makes the difference. Or that it just feels better when it is with his best friend.
Often when they make out, he gets hard, and Ed does too, but Stede assumes that it’s only natural. They sort of ignore it, even if it does feel good to rub against each other. One time, after they’ve emptied the last leftover cans of the light beer they’d managed to get for Ed’s eighteenth birthday party (Stede did sneak off to that one, even though it was risky), it feels a little too good—he gets really close to coming and has to ask Ed to stop. If Stede didn’t know better, he’d say Ed looks disappointed, but he’s so grateful that it’s not weird to kiss Ed that he’s terrified of crossing a line that would make it weird and ruin their friendship.
Shortly after that, Stede gets his first girlfriend. Mary usually got dragged along by her parents to the same places as Stede, and they were often bored together. One day during the summer, by the lake at the country club, it just sort of happens. Still not the same as kissing Ed, but nice enough, and Stede finally has some news for his father that doesn’t make him angry.
This means that he can’t kiss Ed anymore, though, which he finds out when he tries and Ed backs away. It’s confusing, because Ed has been with other people while still being happy to make out with him. He tries arguing this, but Ed says those hadn’t been serious relationships, and this is different. It looks like every word is painful for him to say.
So, they go back to not kissing, but the friendship stays intact while the reality of Stede going off to college draws nearer.
Stede has been trying to read for half an hour, but the words aren’t really registering. When he has started over on the same page for the third time, he sighs and gives up. Snaps the book shut, stares at the ceiling of Ed’s room instead.
“What’s wrong?” Ed asks from his desk where he is bent over his sketchbook. Birds are chirping outside the open window. They’ve drawn the curtains to try and keep some of the heat out.
“Nothing.”
“Worried about the trip?”
Stede gets up from the floor and sits on the edge of the bed behind Ed. Watches the way the light plays in his inky curls, reaching just below his shoulders now. Half of it is tied up to keep it out of his face as he draws.
“How did you know?” Stede asks with a sigh.
“Because you hate the Badmintons, and you’ve been changing the subject every time it’s come up.”
“I don’t hate them. I just—we don’t get along well. Wish you could come.” Of the fourteen people coming along on the weekend trip to the Badmintons’ lake house, there aren’t many that Stede really likes hanging out with.
“Your girlfriend will be there.”
“Right.” That’s what is worrying Stede most presently. “That’s… yeah.”
Ed puts his pencil down and turns in his chair. “Girlfriend trouble?”
“No, not exactly,” Stede says slowly, looking at his hands. “Guess I’m just a little nervous.”
“About what?”
“We’ll be sharing a room.”
It takes a beat for Stede’s words to settle.
“Oh.”
“Yeah.”
“And you’ve never…?”
“No.”
“But you’re gonna?”
“I think she expects it.”
“Listen.”
Stede looks up at him. Ed gets on his feet, but hesitates to sit next to Stede on the bed. Instead, he fiddles with the back of the chair.
“Hm?”
“You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.”
“I know. I do want to try it.” It’s odd, talking out loud with Ed about this stuff. They don’t have any secrets, exactly, and Stede knows Ed has experience in this area, but for some reason, he has never wanted to know how much or with whom, or too many details in general.
Thinking about it gives him a sour taste. Thinking about asking about it, hearing about Ed being with other people, makes something twist in his guts, which then gives him a sting of bad conscience, because it is unfair of him to feel so possessive of his friend. So, it’s not really a topic that comes up that often.
“I’m sure it’ll be fine,” Ed says, leaning against the desk. “Doesn’t have to be perfect or mind-blowing the first time. You do know where everything goes, right?”
Stede scoffs. “Of course I know the technicalities, it’s just—everything else. If I knew how it was going to go, I’d feel better.”
“Well, it’s not like there’s a recipe I can give you. Everyone’s different.”
Stede fidgets with his hands in his lap. “Maybe just the basics?”
“The basics?”
“Like, some useful tips, or suggestions.”
Ed makes a sound like he is suppressing a giggle. It makes Stede want to laugh a bit, too, at the absurdity. He huffs and unsuccessfully bites back a small smile.
“Okay. Alright. Here’s what we’ll do.” Ed gestures for Stede to stand up, joining him in the middle of the floor. “I’ll show you how it could go. Well, not show you, like, not like that—I’ll just tell you. It probably won’t go exactly like that, but it might make you a little more confident, having some kind of reference. Okay?”
Stede isn’t sure what Ed means to do, exactly, but he is willing to try anything if it has a chance of calming his nerves. He nods.
Ed steps closer. Close enough that their toes almost touch. Close enough that Stede can smell his cologne. As if out of habit, his heart speeds up. It is as if Ed can see it, or feel it, or hear it, because as Stede looks into his big, warm eyes, Ed smiles and says, “Just relax.”
It’s difficult to relax when Ed is right up in his space like that, when he instinctively connects it to incoming kissing. The kind of kissing he’s been longing for, which only Ed has seemed to master out of all the people in the world (based on his limited sample size).
Stede takes a deep breath. Ed’s gaze falls to where he licks his lips, and his smile drops, his breath hitching for an imperceptible moment before he clears his throat, dropping his voice to a honey-smooth timbre.
“So. You’re at the lake, it’s been a fun day—don’t make that face, you’ll have fun, I promise—splashing around in the water, romantic boat trip, whatever you fancy kids do at lake houses. After dinner, you’re sitting around talking as it’s getting dark. You exchange glances, then take her back to your room. Maybe the moon shines through the window. Maybe you turn on a lamp. Maybe you prefer the dark. And you take her into your arms…”
Ed hesitates, his hands hovering at Stede’s sides.
“Obviously, I’m not gonna kiss you, or touch you,” he says, and something heavy drops into Stede’s stomach. Obviously.
“I’ll just… talk.” And with that, Ed gets as close as it is possible for him to be without them touching, breath ghosting across Stede’s lips.
“You could start by kissing her.” Ed’s lips do not brush against Stede’s, but only just barely. Stede is counting his eyelashes.
“Start slow. Take your time. You could brush your fingers through her hair or hold her face…” Ed brings his hands up to not quite push his fingers into Stede’s hair, not quite cradle his cheek.
“…and deepen the kiss.” Ed tilts his head. Stede’s eyes flutter shut.
“Feel her melt into you.” Stede didn’t think it was possible for Ed to be any closer without pressing their bodies together, but apparently, it is. The heat from his body makes Stede’s skin tingle all over, his deepened voice licking up his spine like hot, lazy flames.
He wants something to do with his hands. What does he usually do with his hands? Before he can stop them, they move on their own, settling on Ed’s hips. For a second, he freezes up—Ed said no touching, is this too much? They still hug sometimes, this isn’t much different, is it?
But Ed doesn’t protest or scold him, doesn’t say a word about it or ask him to stop, so Stede lets go of the breath he was holding as well as the tension in his shoulders. It is grounding, holding onto Ed with even this light touch, helps him stay in balance as Ed’s voice washes over him once more.
“Then, as things get heated—” Stede’s cheeks are heated, and the back of his neck, and the whole rest of him, in fact— “you can let your hands travel down her body, touch her wherever it feels good, feel how she responds to you. Pet her sides and her back, hug her closer.”
As Ed speaks—slowly, as if wanting to taste each word before it leaves his lips—he mimics the moves, palms an atom’s breadth over Stede’s t-shirt, heat radiating through the fabric.
“Make her feel how much you want her.”
Stede wants. He is not exactly sure what, but he wants. His dick definitely wants something too, filling even as he tries to will it down.
“You could kiss along here…” Ed’s lips move along Stede’s jaw, hovering less than a centimeter from his skin. “…brush her hair aside, kiss her neck. Lick or suck or bite if she likes it.”
Ed has kissed Stede’s neck before. With his eyes closed, and Ed’s breath ghosting over his skin, he can still feel the scratch of Ed’s stubble and the way he sucked the skin between his teeth, giving him hickeys that made him blush when he touched them in the mirror, ones he had to hide under scarfs for days.
“Leave marks to show that she’s yours. Let your hands wander further, to her hips and—and her breasts.” Ed’s voice falters for the first time. Stede swallows thickly, trying to imagine doing what Ed says to Mary, but having a hard time picturing her face.
“If she’s wearing a dress, you could unzip it.” This time Ed does touch him, just the lightest trace of a fingertip from the nape of his neck to his lower back. It makes a shiver go through him—he can feel Ed smiling against his neck, though he thankfully doesn’t comment on it, and just like that, he is back to not touching.
“Reach for the hem, slip your hands under it. Feel up her thighs and her ass. Let your fingers run along the line of her panties, teasing, before you lift up her dress.” The words hit the shell of Stede’s ear. He doesn’t know why, but as Ed pretends to lift an invisible dress over his head, he stretches his arms as if to let him.
They are left staring at each other for a moment that feels like it stretches on forever. Ed’s eyes are dark, his lips parted, his cheeks flushed, his—his ripped jeans tenting at the front.
Right. This is nothing new, both of them being hard, though it somehow feels different to when it happened during make-out sessions. The vibe is something else, monumental and kind of scary in a profound way, occupying their shared space and swallowing them up.
Ed leans back in, their lips once again close enough that Stede barely has to imagine they’re kissing. When he continues, his voice is breathier and has just the hint of a tremble.
“Then you could kiss her again while unbuttoning your shirt—or maybe she unbuttons it while you remove your belt, then unhook her bra.”
“What if I can’t do that?” Stede speaks so suddenly and quickly that his lips accidentally graze over Ed’s. Ed draws back a bit, his eyes searching.
“Then you ask her to help you. Really, you can talk during this. In fact, you should be talking, like, ask her what she wants and what feels good and stuff.” It sounds more like regular Ed and not seductive, rumbly honey-voiced Ed, and Stede feels himself relax a bit.
“Okay.”
“Are you—is this okay?”
“Yeah, yep, it’s helping.” To be truthful, Stede is too light-headed to think. If this is what sex is going to be like, he is starting to look forward to it, so in that way, Ed is helping.
“Right, okay. So, once you’re undressed—maybe still in your underwear—you could kiss her again while you take her to bed, gently guiding her down. Climb on top of her, press your bodies close. We’re not—we’re just gonna stay here. Standing.” Ed says the last part quickly, before Stede can move to the bed. He can’t explain why he feels a pang of disappointment. Perhaps because he would like to be as prepared as possible, and lying down would be more realistic.
But he is not going to protest now since Ed is already being so nice about this. Ed’s face is back in the crook of his neck, and Stede rests his hands on his hips again.
“Right, you’ll probably repeat a bunch of stuff from before—kissing, touching, whatever feels good. But now you’re naked, her skin against yours, so it’s more—intense. You’ll feel the heat of her body, and you can use your mouth to explore her. You could—have you touched her breasts before?”
It throws Stede off, such a direct question all of a sudden.
“Of course.” He tries to sound cool about it, like it wasn’t mostly Mary taking his hand and placing it on her chest that one time and him not really knowing what to do about it. Ed seems to buy it, however.
“Cool, yeah, okay. So you just…”
Stede briefly panics that he said some of that stuff out loud without noticing, or that Ed can read minds, because Ed takes Stede’s right hand and places it over his own chest. But then Ed follows it up with, “…you just do what you know she likes,” and keeps his hand on top of Stede’s, holding it in place.
Ed’s heartbeat is racing. Stede’s heart apparently decides to take it as a challenge.
Ed no longer pretends to do everything he says but keeps Stede’s hand between his own and his heart, placing his other hand on Stede’s waist. Despite Ed saying there would be no touching, this feels like a whole lot of touching, all of it amplified by Ed’s hot breath hitting his neck. Stede keeps his eyes on the newest tattoo on Ed’s arm, a rose.
“Then, as you work your way down her body, you let her feel how much you need her.”
Stede thinks about the straining bulge in his jeans, so close yet so far from pressing against Ed’s matching one.
“Let her feel… how much she turns you on. How hot and beautiful and sexy you find her. And how you burn for her.”
Stede’s mind is spinning, once again trying and failing to picture Mary in the situation Ed is describing. She is beautiful, she is very, very pretty, but it’s so much, Ed’s voice and words and breath and heartbeat and hands and hair tickling his skin and fuck, Stede really wishes he could sit down, maybe he wouldn’t feel so woozy with it all.
“And you could reach down, feel between her legs, her heat, how wet she is for you. And play with her, tease her, make her moan and gasp for it before you…”
Ed trails off. Stede’s blood is pounding in his ears. He finds his voice, but it’s croaky.
“Before I what?”
Ed draws a deep, shuddering breath. Then his hands, hair, breath is gone—he pulls back, and Stede opens his eyes, confused. Something flashes across Ed’s face before he smiles.
“Before you put on a condom, ‘cause I’m not ready to be an uncle.”
“Ed!”
“You do know how to do that, right?”
Stede’s mind is still inert with the haze that has settled over it, but he wills it into gear. “Y—of course, we did it in Health class!”
Ed grins and crosses his arms in front of his chest. “And do you have one?”
Stede’s face already feels hot, but now, it turns burning. “Can I borrow one?”
Ed scrunches up his face. “Ew, no. You can have one. Don’t want it back.”
“That’s not what I meant!”
There is a teasing glint in Ed’s eyes as he walks over to his drawer. Stede rubs his hands over his face, runs his fingers through his hair, tries to make his erection go down. His attempt is much more successful now that Ed isn’t blocking the breeze that comes through the window.
“Here, take two.” Ed is back, holding out the condoms for him. Stede doesn’t look at them before stuffing them in his pocket.
“Thanks.”
He doesn’t know if he expects Ed to continue the—whatever they were doing, but it doesn’t seem like he will. Instead, he flops onto the bed and grabs a comic book from the bedside table, hiding his face behind it. Stede sits gingerly on the edge of the mattress by his knees.
“And then what?”
“Hm?”
“I put on the condom, and then what?”
Ed lowers the comic book. There is a slight crease between his brows, and Stede can’t quite read his expression.
“I think you can take it from there, mate. Do what comes naturally, you know. Just—remember what I said about talking, right? You don’t have to read her mind.”
Stede nods slowly.
“And if you think you might be coming too fast, just think about something gross, like bugs or spiders or something.”
“Bugs are not gross, Ed, they’re fascinating creatures.”
“Yeah, you’re weird.”
“Oh yeah? Perhaps I shouldn’t help you get rid of spiders anymore, then.”
Ed’s eyes grow wide. “Don’t joke about that.”
“I’m not.”
Ed sits up. “Stede!”
Stede pretends to be entirely occupied with inspecting his fingernails.
“Stede, c’mon, I love that you’re a lunatic, you know that.”
Something in Stede’s chest softens at the words, and his mouth twists into a smile. “Alright, alright, I’ll take care of them for you.”
He tries not to think about the fact that soon, he won’t be there to help Ed with the spiders, since he will be four hours away at college.
Ed looks relieved as he lies back down. “Good.”
Stede zones out for a bit as he looks at Ed reading. Shaking himself out of it, he crawls in between Ed and the wall, wiggling on his stomach until his face is level with Ed’s.
“Thank you.”
“Hm?” It takes Ed a moment to tear his eyes from the page. When he looks at Stede, it’s sort of… guarded.
“For all that. I think it helped.”
They lock eyes for what feels like a long time before Ed finally says, “You’re welcome.”
It almost doesn’t sound like him, too strained and—pained? No, that can’t be right, Stede must be getting it wrong. His brain is still mushy.
Stede shifts onto his back so he can read the comic book too. With some squirming, they manage to settle in next to each other in the cramped space, Ed’s arm around him and Stede’s head on his shoulder. Ed holds the book up for both of them, and every time he flips the page, he inadvertently squeezes Stede just the tiniest bit closer.
It’s perfect. Stede wishes he could stay right here instead of going on the lake house trip.
