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“So, I was thinkin’ that we’d read ‘Open Toe Living’ in the summer months, since that’s the best time to wear open-toed shoes…” Linda Belcher said, thrilled that her youngest child was finally interested in getting onboard with Family Book Club But It’s Magazines.
Except…she didn’t really seem particularly interested in listening to Linda.
Instead had bent both her arms and was gently banging her elbows together while softly intoning, “Elllll-bows, ellllllll-bows….”
Louise was still quite loopy.
“Louise, I’m starting to think you weren’t actually interested Family Book Club But It’s Magazines…”
Louise stopped looking at her elbows and grinned over at her mother. “Lin, I’m starting to think that you’re right!” she exclaimed.
“Don’t call me Lin…”
“Lin, it was all a lie! I only said I was interested in Family Book Club But It’s Magazines as part of a cover-up! About Little Baby Buttflap!’
“But Little Baby Buttflap is fine…”
Louise lowered her voice to a conspiratorial whisper: “That’s not really him!”
Before Linda could delve further into whatever that meant, the phone rang.
“WHY IS THAT BURGER SCREAMING AT US?!?!” Louise yelled as Linda picked up the burger phone and said hello.
“Mom…WHY ARE YOU TALKING BACK TO THE BURGER?!” Louise yelled again.
“Shh-shh-shh…” Linda said and she tried to listen to the phone.
“Um, hello? Mrs. Belcher is that you?” a familiar wheezy voice said on the other end of the line. “It’s Regular-Sized Rudy…you know, from Louise’s class?”
Linda chuckled. “Yes, Rudy. How are you?”
“I’m good. Is Louise around? The new Burobu movie is available on Poob now and I was wondering if she would want to cover to my Dad’s place and watch it this weekend…”
“I’m sure she would Rudy, but maybe tomorrow would work better. She had dental surgery this morning and she’s not her usual self because of the side effects.”
“I’ve been there!” Rudy exclaimed. “One time, I had to be hospitalized for my allergies and they gave me some medication that caused me to have the weirdest dreams. Like, I was at Hat’s All Folks!, the hat superstore off Route 9, and I was already wearing five hats, but I just kept buying more! And they were just like the weirdest hats I’ve ever seen! Like a teal beret?! What the fudge?! Um, pardon my language.”
“It’s pardoned, Rudy.” Linda said with a smile. He was such a sweet boy; she was glad Louise had a friend like him. “When Louise is back to normal I’ll tell her to call you about watching Burobu on Poot…”
“It’s Poob, Mrs. Belcher…”
“That’s what I said.”
“Um, okay. Thanks! Bye!”
As Linda hung up the phone she noticed that Louise had scooted all the way down the couch and her face was now right in Linda’s.
“Mother! Why were you talking to the burger about me!”
“Rudy was on the phone for you…”
“Which Rudy, mother?!? You know I know all the Rudys! There’s Pocket-Sized Rudy and there’s Regular-Sized Rudy, and there’s Big Rudy who owns that restaurant you and Dad go to! Oh, and Rudy Giuliani!”
“Louise, you do not know Rudy Giuliani…” Linda didn’t quite know why she felt the need to point that out her loopy nine-year-old.
Louise chuckled. “And good for him that I don’t! Horrible, creepy old man! If I met him I’d be like all POW!” She punched the air in front of him. “Right in his stomach. And then he’d die because my punches are so strong and I’d be like, ‘Take that, asshole!’”
“Louise, don’t say asshole.” Linda tried to do her part in her and Bob’s rather futile effort to stop their youngest from swearing. “Even if it’s about Rudy Giuliani and he deserves it.”
Louise pouted.
“Anyway…” Linda continued. “It was Regular-Sized Rudy.”
Louise’s expression changed immediately. “Yes! Yes! Yes!” She bounced up and down on the couch. “He’s my favorite of all the Rudys! What did he want, woman?!”
Linda wasn’t wild about Louise calling her “woman”, but liked it better than “Lin”, so she let it slide. “He wanted to see if you wanted to watch the new Burobu movie at his dad’s place.
Louise jumped off the couch. “What are you waiting for?! Let’s go…”
Linda gently picked a squirming Louise up and put her back on the end of the couch by the pillows.
“You’re in no shape to see anyone outside the family for a few more hours, my little Loopy Lou. But maybe you and Rudy can watch the movie tomorrow. Would you like that?”
Louise started bouncing up and down again. “Of course, I’d like that! I like Burobu and I like movies and I like Rudy and I like watching Burbou movies with Rudy! It will be so fun! Everything with Rudy is so fun! Playing Burobu with him, and playing gaga ball with, and jumping on a moving train with him, and kissing him…it’s all so fun!”
“WHAAAAAAT?!?!” Linda was sure she couldn’t have heard that last thing right. (The thing before it also sounded a little questionable for that matter.)
“Whaaaaaaat?!?” Louise repeated back, softly slurring the word and then chuckling at the end. “You are so funny, Lin!”
Linda tried to calm down but her heart and mind were racing, Was Louise kissing people? Kissing boys? Kissing Rudy? She thought she had a few more years, at least, before she’d have to think about anything like that with Louise.
“Did you say you…had fun…kissing Regular-Sized Rudy?” Linda asked, as calmly as she could.
“Ohhhhhhh yeah!” Louise laughed and fell back on her pillows.
“Um…how…um…did that happen….”
“Ha!” Louise laughed. “Wouldn’t you like to know!”
“Well, yeah, that’s why I asked…” Linda muttered softly.
Louise bounced up from the pillows and was back in Linda’s face. “Fiiiiiiine. I’ll tell you, Lin!”
“It was Valentine’s Day and Rudy was all obsessed with getting a kiss from Chloe freaking Barbash.” Louise started coughing and making gagging sounds and leaning over the edge of the couch.
“Louise! Are you okay? Did the medication upset your stomach…”
Louise stopped making the noises and came back from the edge. “I’m fine!” she said cheerfully. “I was just thinking about Chloe Barbash. Annnnnnnnyway, Rudy had me give this card and this stupid love weed thing to Chloe in science, but then Chloe was like: ‘I don’t really like-like like Rudy, I’m just using him for quiz answers! I’m a horrible bitch!’”
“LOUISE!” Linda yelled. “Don’t say that word!”
“But I’m just quoting her own words, Mother!”
“I doubt that.” Linda grumbled. “Move on with your story…”
“I was trying to!” Louise declared. “You interrupted me! Annnnwaaaay…” she leaned back on the pillows. “I went to the playground after school to tell Rudy that Chloe wasn’t going to meet him there…” Louise looked down, and Linda swore her daughter’s eyes looked a little wet.
“And he just looked soooo sad…and he’s soooo nice and friendly and funny and smart and sweet and I just thought he shouldn’t be sad and people shouldn’t be mean to him, you know…” Louise looked up and grinned, her mood radically swinging back again. “So, I was like, ‘You want a kiss, I’ll give you a kiss, bucko!’ And then I grabbed his shirt like this!” She clutched the blue blanket on the couch and pulled it to her. “And then I kissed him like this! BAM!” She let go of the blanket with her right hand which she made into a fist and then proceeded to kiss the thumb and forefinger making loud “mmmmm” sounds while she did it for what seemed to Linda to be an excessively long amount of time.
When she stopped kissing her fist, Louise continued her story. “And then Rudy was like, ‘Whoa, man! That was frickin’ amazing! Soooooooo much better than kissing Chloe would’ve been!’”
“He said that?”
“Well, not is so many words, mother. But I know that’s how he felt. I mean, it’s me! I’m amazing at everything I do! Except archery, but I’m working on that, you know. And anyway, he was completely breathless after kissing me. I mean, he’s like that a lot, but this time it was definitely because of me.” She nodded authoritatively.
Linda was about to say something, when Louise jumped up again. “Oh yeah! I forgot the best part! After I kissed him, I slapped him, like POW!” She hit the couch with her left hand. “And I was like ‘If you tell anyone about this, I’ll end you!’ So, now we’ve got, like, the best secret ever!” Louise fell back on the pillows laughing.
“Ooooookay….” Linda was not sure what to make of it. Her mind was still racing Was it really even true? Afterall, that story about Little Baby Buttflap being broken seemed to have been made up. And what did it mean if it was? We’re Louise and Rudy a couple now? Were they dating? Was Rudy’s invite some sort of code for a secret makeout session? “Watching Burobu on Pubes” certainly sounded fake to Linda, the more she thought about it. She had to know whatever else Louise would tell her.
“So, is that something you and Rudy do now? Are you, like a couple?”
“WHAT?!?” Louise yelled then started chortling with laughter. “No, we just kissed the one time! Sheesh, Lin, I’m a kid! I’m nine! It’s like this many!” She proceeded to hold up her hands displaying what she must have thought was nine fingers but was actually four. “I’m not like Tina with her case of the puberties! Her life is craaaaaaazy! It’s all spin the bottle this and upper butt action that and steal Jimmy Jr.’s gym socks this and get a new bra that…Huh…I wonder if she’s done her first real booby battle yet?! I hope she would’ve told me about that…” Louise paused in contemplation for a moment while Linda had no idea what the hell she was talking about. Louise shook her head. “Anyway, I’m happy to stay as far away from that as I can! Rudy and I like being kids with candy and toys and Burobu and zany planes. We don’t need no more kissin’!”
Linda breathed a sigh of relief.
And then Louise looked over at her with a slight smile and started speaking in a conspiratorial whisper again. “Although, y’know, if me and Rudeathan do ever end up coming down with the puberties, I wouldn’t mind kissing him again!” Louise sat up on the couch again. “I mean, it waaaaaas fun! The kissin!” She kissed her fist again. “And the slappin!” She slapped the air. “Kissin’ and slappin!” She mimed the gestures again. “Kissin’ and slappin’!” She did it again. “Kissin’ and slappin’!” This time her slap of the air lead to her falling off the couch. Again.
As Louise lay on the floor, she laughed even louder. “And maaaaaybe…I’d even slap him on the butt!” She slapped her left hand hard against the carpet and laughed even more uproariously. “That would be so funny! Getting puberty!! Man! Can you even imagine?!?” Louise was literally rolling on the floor in laughter as Linda picked her up to put her back on the couch.
Linda tucked Louise back under the blanket on the couch. “Okay, Miss Missy, let’s have a change of subject now. I hear enough about kissing and puberty and butts from your sister!”
Louise nodded solemnly. “Okay...” She started staring down the couch, mesmerized by her own bare feet for what seemed like the dozenth time that day. Then she turned to Linda: “I’ve got it! You know how you like to give the raccoons human names like Gary and Little King Trashmouth?! Do you think maybe they have a name for you in raccoon language! Like, they call you” Louise proceeded to make a series of high pitched chattering sounds “and that means ‘Tall Greasy Smelling Biped with Glasses’?”
That was a great question! Honestly, Linda had always assumed Gary and the King knew her name was Linda and that they could understand English, they just couldn’t speak it. Or wouldn’t when people were around.
She was about to say that to Louise, when she noticed her daughter was looking at her kind of pensively.
“Mom”, Louise said softly, moving close to Linda’s face again, “I need to say one more thing about that other topic…”
“Okaaaay…” Linda wasn’t wild to hear more about Louise’s kissing and slapping adventure with Rudy, but she knew there was no use arguing with Loopy Louise. Even less than there was with Regular Louise.
“Mom, please don’t tell anyone what I told you about Rudy and Valentine’s Day. You see, I told Rudy he couldn’t tell anyone so I guess it’s not really fair that I told someone! And it was suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuch a good secret to have with my best friend! I don’t want to ruin it! And, you know that I’m usually really good at keeping secrets! That’s how I managed to be a secret agent, right?! And I would’ve gotten away with it if it wasn’t for lousy Dr. Yap and his truth serum…”
Linda smiled at her daughter. “It’s okay, Louise. I won’t tell anyone.”
“Not Dad?”
“Not Dad.”
“Not Tina and Gene?”
“Not Tina and Gene.”
“Not any of the Rudys?”
Linda softly guided Louise down to the pillows. “None of the Rudys.”
“Not Rudy Giuliani?”
“Definitely not Rudy Giuliani.”
Louise’s voice got the quietest it had been in a while and she pulled the blanket closely around her as if she cold. “And not the Rudy That I Kissed?”
“Absolutely not the Rudy That You Kissed.” Linda couldn’t help but smile slightly, certain that was the only time she would ever refer to Rudy Stieblitz that way.
“I love you, Mom.” Louise smiled up at her.
Linda kissed her daughter on the forehead, right under her bunny ears. “Don’t worry, Special Agent Hammer Time. Your secret is safe with me.”