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She learnt about it in a journal carelessly laid around the staffroom. It was there in the front page. A beautiful picture and the worst words she had come to read in her life.
“Beloved Headmistress Pippa Pentangle died in a broomstick accident.”
Pippa Pentangle.
Died.
How? How was it even possible? In a broomstick accident? Pippa was the most skilled flyer Hecate knew. It didn’t make any sense.
Hecate couldn’t tear her eyes from Pippa’s smiling face. But the words underneath just kept invading her. It pained her so much. Everything around her was fading, only leaving the sound of her own blood pumping in her ears, her heart beating faster and faster. Air seemed to grow scarce. Her magic prickling under her skin.
“Hecate? Hecate, are you alright?”
It was Ada. But before the headmistress could lay a reassuring hand on Hecate, the deputy head just transferred in her own room. And she collapsed almost immediately. It took her a moment to realise that she was crying.
Pippa.
She couldn’t conceive a world without Pippa. Even if… Even if they hadn’t talk for 23 years.
It was her fault, all her fault. She had abandoned Pippa, and now she could never explain or ask for forgiveness. She could never tell the truth. The truth she carried with her since she was 14. She loved Pippa. More than anything. And she hurt her. So bad. Hecate could never forgive herself.
She was thinking that she had no right to mourn so strongly someone she had hurt that much. But here she was. Filed with so much grief it was unbearable. Her mind was full of Pippa. Pippa’s bright smile and shiny eyes. Pippa’s golden hair and soft curves. Pippa’s enthusiasm and intelligence. Pippa’s humour and wit. Pippa’s everything. Pippa. Pippa. Pippa.
Pipsqueak.
Hecate felt as if she had lost the right to use that nickname long ago. But it stayed warm in her heart. Underneath this little silly name was hidden all the affection she had for the pink witch. Her tears shook her violently, her heart broke harder -if it even was possible-, her breath shorten again, her stomach turned to knots. Until it was too much for her body and mind. She rushed for the toilet just in time to throw up, as if her body tried to get rid of all this excess of emotion.
It didn’t help.
She felt like nothing could help.
Lost in her turmoil and head in the toilet, Hecate almost missed the knock on her door. She didn’t answer, she was not fit to meet with anyone. Her face covered in tears and smudged make up, her hair disarrayed, she looked a fright.
“Hecate?” It was Ada again, voice laced with concern.
Hecate didn’t move. She couldn’t.
“Is it about Miss Pentangle’s death?”
“NO!” came a desperate cry, until she whispered painfully, “don’t say that. She can’t… She can’t be… I can’t…”
Ada crouched to be at her height while Hecate curled on herself on the bathroom’s floor, crying anew.
“I’m sorry Hecate, I didn’t realise you cared so much about her.” Ada said apologetically.
“I…” loved her she wanted to say but it got stuck in her month.
“It’s alright. You don’t have to say anything.” Ada seemed to understand. “Take all the time you need, we’ll find someone to cover your classes.”
It was actually all Hecate needed, time. Time to process and to mourn.
But grief was its own living thing. And Hecate’s grief over Pippa’s death was a particularly untamable beast.
She thought she could say goodbye at the funeral. But it only made her feel worse, because there was no coming back now, Pippa was truly gone. Hecate couldn’t resolve to it. She couldn’t accept it. No. She had to escape or she would suffocate.
But she was stopped before she could leave. By none other than Pippa’s mother. A dread settled in her stomach. Pippa’s parents probably hated Hecate for what she had done to their wonderful daughter.
Except the reproach she expected never came. Instead she was met with compassionate looks. But no words. Just compassion and a simple letter pushed into her hand.A letter with her name on it, in Pippa’s beautiful handwriting. She didn’t understand, but before she could ask for clarification, Pippa’s mother was gone.
Once home she put the letter on the table, eying it with some sort of fear in her heart. She didn’t know if she was capable of opening it, of reading it. What would she find in this ?
It haunted her through the night. Until she couldn’t any more, and she left her bed, lighting up the fire and taking the dreaded letter to open it. Tears filled her eyes as soon as she watched Pippa’s handwriting unfold before her.
“Hecate,
I’m not sure if our paths will cross again, and I know this letter will never reach you. Or maybe it will, either because I feel brave enough or if I meet a terrible fate. But I think I need to write this.
But how ? There is so much to tell.
Let’s start with the most important.
I loved you.
Here, it’s said.
I loved you. As a friend, yes, you were my best and dearest friend. But also more than this. I think you knew somehow ? Maybe that’s why you left ?
I still love you, probably forever will. You never forget your first love. And it hurts. It’s stupid, I know, nothing ever happened between us after all.
It’s kind of cliché I realise, the one who fell in love with her best friend. But it’s my truth.
So when our friendship ended, when you stopped talking to me, my heart broke in a million pieces. And the trust I had in myself and in others -but that’s not the point, because this part got better.
The worst is actually that I realised too late that it hurt so much because I loved you in a romantic way. I fought for you to no avail, and I probably made things worse, you probably hate me now. I pretend that I hate you too, but it’s all a lie.
I remember though something, you were so closed off, so withdrew. I should have known something was wrong, I should have help you and support you better. I should have been a better friend. I should have, I should have, I should have… But it’s too late now, I just failed you. You needed a good friend and I failed you.
And I needed you too. You were my rock, I admired you, you pushed me to always be better -still do. But I failed everything. And now I miss you. Terribly. Every single days.
I feel like it’s all my fault, I wasn't up to it, I wasn't enough.
I wish so bad that we could start over.
“Hello, nice to meet you, you broke my heart.”
No. I broke it myself. By loving you when i shouldn’t have, by not being the friend I should have been. I made mistakes, and it only led to my own heartbreak.
But I still need an answer on what is the true reason for your leaving. I’m not sure you can bring me the answer I need. And I’m too much of a coward to ask. If you didn’t already hate me, you probably would now.
Know that despite everything, you will forever have a place in my heart and in my life. And I only wish for you to be happy.
Come back to me Hecate. Hiccup.
I need you.
I love you.
Pippa.”
Pippa loved her. And Hecate had been blind to it. Had broke her heart in a way Pippa thought it was her fault. Hecate hated herself for it. Now more than ever. She wanted to reach for Pippa. But she couldn’t, could she ? And the untamable beast started to eat her alive.
She didn't really know how she found herself in front of Pippa's grave that night. But she felt like she was exactly were she was supposed to be. Right by Pippa's side. She summoned Pippa's favourite flower, as if it was a peace offering. She sat in front of the tombstone, looking at the words on it.
"Pippa Pentangle - beloved headmistress, daughter and friend."
And there, behind all the other flowers, she noticed the tiny phrase at the foot of the tombstone.
"Forever a Pipsqueak, never without a Hiccup in her life."
It was a strange sentence. Hecate noticed the capitals at the beginnings of the words that were also their nicknames. So she knew. It was destined to her. And once again she found herself crying on the ground, Pippa's name escaping her lips in pained whispers.
Once she calmed down, she started talking. Getting off her chest everything that was left unsaid. As if Pippa could hear her.
“I love you too Pippa.” she started. “And I’m so sorry. I want for you to hear all of this. I love you so much. And it’s all my fault. You never did anything wrong. You were wonderful in every way. I loved you. And it scared me. I felt guilty. I thought it was unrequited, and that you would feel betrayed by it. Well at first. I knew deep down it was just an excuse for my cowardice.
"But then, my father found out. And he threatened me, threatened to find a way to make you disappear from my life. I couldn’t let him crush your dreams. I accepted his conditions. I was to never talked to you again. It broke my heart. And yours.
"I wanted so bad to answer when you reached to me. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t put you at risk. I loved you too much for this. I’m so sorry, I should have been braver. But then I saw you thrive and succeed and I thought that you were actually better off without me. I know now that I’ve been wrong. I need you too Pippa. I love you too. I am so sorry.”
She wasn't much of a believer, but still she hoped that Pippa was somewhere out there, listening, and getting the truth she deserved.
Suddenly she heard a sob behind her. Alarmed, she turned around quickly, her magic ready to face any menace.
To say that she was not ready for what she saw was an understatement.
Here, in all her pink glory was standing Pippa, her face covered with tears.
"I must be hallucinating." She muttered, already heartbroken.
A half laugh half sob echoed in the night.
"No." Simply said Pippa, her voice strangled but unmistakable.
"How?" Was all Hecate could articulate.
Pippa seemed to not be able to find her words.
"You died." Stated Hecate, still a bit wary.
"Yes. And no."
"I don't understand."
"I… There was an accident and… I did die, but somehow, someone found me and decided that I was, I quote 'too pretty to die' and… I got turned into a vampire." the last part was said in a rush.
Hecate was stunned. She didn't understand. She didn't believe.
"It was still stated that I died, I couldn't very well stay headmistress in this state. I'm condemned to hide in the night now."
there was a sheepish smile on Pippa's face. Hecate finally found her voice.
"How?" she repeated.
"I know it's hard but you have to believe me Hecate. Hiccup."
"You are…"
"A vampire."
"… Alive" said Hecate in unison.
Pippa just smiled. Then, she took a tentative step toward Hecate.
"Is it true?" she asked
"What is?"
"You love me?"
Hecate felt herself blush, her mouth going dry. But still, she answered, trying to conjured all of her feelings in a few simple words.
"I do."
And before she knew it, Pippa rushed into her arms, with a happy sob.
"Oh Hiccup, I've missed you so much."
"I missed you too… Pipsqueak."