Chapter Text
Evan leapt down the stairs. After his classmate had a birthday, he asked Mom when his birthday was. She started crying, but it was Maddie who told him the date. He’d put it on his Fireman Sam calendar, and it was today!
Finally!
He couldn't even remember his last birthday; he wasn't sure he'd had one before.
He ran into the kitchen, where he could hear movement and found Mom. "Morning!" He greeted cheerfully.
Mom looked down at him and hummed, but didn't speak.
He bounced on his toes, waiting. At school, they were always told to say happy birthday when it was someone's birthday. They sometimes sang a song - he didn’t think he’d ever heard Mom or Dad sing. Maddie did sometimes.
"What?" Mom snapped when he kept staring at her.
"Evan, why are you just standing in the doorway?" Dad demanded. Evan looked back and smiled up at him.
"I uh— I—"
"I, I, I,” Dad rolled his eyes, “spit it out."
Evan’s excitement deflated in an instant. Did they forget?
"Maddie said it's my birthday," he whispered, hope disappearing. His parents exchanged a look, their faces tinged with sadness. He slumped his shoulders. He didn't mean to make them sad. "I'm sorry."
He walked away as Dad went to Mom and hugged her.
Evan’s shoulders dropped, stood by the doorway. It was his birthday. He thought he was supposed to be the one they hugged.
“Evan!” Maddie’s cheerful voice behind him made him spin around to his sister. “Happy birthday!” She rushed down the hall to hug him. "Come on. I've got something for you." She took his hand and led him up to her room.
He glanced back once more at his parents, both oblivious to Maddie and him, talking quietly.
Buck bounded up the stairs at the firehouse in a good mood. Things were going great. Therapy was helping, he loved his job, he spent a lot of time with his best friend and his best friend's son. He had a niece or nephew on the way, and his sister was happy and safe.
Things were great.
As long as he didn't think about how in love he was with his best friend, life was perfect.
Bobby was in the kitchen preparing dinner, and Buck thought about joining him and helping out. He was getting good. At least, he thought he was. Bobby hadn’t complained, and he often asked for help. If he were a terrible cook, he didn’t think Bobby would ask.
Then he saw Chimney watching the news about the fires in Texas, and Buck decided to join him instead. "Whoa, volcano, crazy," Buck muttered as a conversation starter. The news had been talking about it nonstop for a week, and Buck had gone on a research binge on volcanoes. Eddie blamed Buck for Chris's nightmare about a supervolcano erupting and setting the world on fire after Buck talked about them over dinner two days before.
"So crazy," Chimney agreed. "Still can't believe it didn't happen here."
Buck hummed. Enough crazy things had happened over the last few years that he really wouldn't be surprised if an underground volcano erupted.
He sat on the chair to watch, but then Chimney paused the TV.
"Hey, uh, I wanted to ask you something." Chimney looked at him, eyes more serious than usual for the usually most jovial of their team. Buck had only just told Maddie and Chimney about his therapy the day before, and figured it would be about that.
"Okay?" Buck leaned forward to show he was paying attention.
"This might be a little too personal and none of my business, so you can totally tell me to go to hell—"
"Chimney," Buck interrupted him, smiling. They were brothers, and not just because he was dating Maddie. Buck wanted to talk to him if there was something concerning him. "Spit it out."
"What's the deal with your parents?" Chimney blurted.
Buck's amused smile dropped; he wasn't ready to talk about his parents. He had tried not to even think about them since the day he got in Maddie’s Jeep and drove away. He hadn't told Dr Copeland much about it yet, only what Maddie thought.
They're not bad people, just bad parents.
He would have to do it soon, but he couldn't. Even as a grown man, he couldn't say the a-word.
"Uh, wh—what do you mean?" Buck asked, fighting to keep his face neutral.
"Well, you never talk about them for starters. And I feel like I know way more about your sex life than I do about your parents."
Buck rubbed his hands together, never wanting to talk about them. He wanted nothing to do with them. Maddie, being his sister, was the only good thing about them. Even if they actually cared about Maddie. He didn’t know what he did wrong.
He and Maddie had talked about their parents since she moved to LA. The first time Maddie brought them up, Buck had to fight to keep himself from reacting badly and telling her to stop talking. Maddie just wanted to know if he had been in contact. He answered that truthfully.
“No, and I don’t plan to.”
Buck tried to avoid it. He knew Maddie still wanted a relationship with them, so even after she told him about Doug, Buck didn't tell her about his childhood. He let her believe they were just emotionally neglectful; she didn't need to know how bad it really was.
"Well, that's 'cause my sex life is more interesting. At least it used to be." He smirked in an attempt to change the subject, but Chimney didn't let him.
"But seriously, uh," Chimney said pointedly. Buck sighed; it wasn't the time for jokes to change the subject then. "Maddie barely talks about them either. Or to them, for that matter."
Buck nodded along, fighting to keep his breathing even and natural.
"And the other night," Chimney continued, "I found her all freaked out, like something was wrong. She said she was scared of screwing up with our kid the way your parents screwed up with the two of you guys."
"She said that?" Buck asked, surprised, wondering for the first time how much Maddie knew.
"Kinda. I mean, she wasn't specific, but she never is. She said that they're not bad people, so… I'm guessing they weren't abusive?" Chimney asked him softly.
Buck turned his head to look at his hands so he didn't have to meet Chimney’s eyes. Nobody had ever asked him something so bluntly before, and he didn't want to lie to the man who was practically his brother. But Chimney couldn't lie or keep secrets to save his life, and Maddie couldn't know.
So Buck shook his head and lied. "No, nothing like that."
"Mom, mom, mom, mom, mom!"
"What?!" Mom snapped.
Evan tugged on her hand. "Look!" He pointed at the clouds. "That one is a Cumulus cloud. In the book, Maddie got me—"
"Okay, Evan, hurry up."
Evan squinted at the sky and smiled. "Do you think it looks like a cat?" He laughed. "Or a tiger. Roarrrrrr!”
"Evan. I said hurry up." He looked to where she was waiting closer to the car.
"Sorry!" He ran to catch up with her. She had opened the door before he could climb in, she shoved him by the shoulder hard enough that he stumbled into the side of the car.
"Ow!" Tears pricked at his eyes, and his hand went to the side of his face as he stared up at Mom, confused. That was really hard. It wasn’t the first time she’d shoved him, but that was the hardest, into the car. It really hurt.
"Get in the car. Now."
He looked at his hand, seeing blood, making him whimper. The cut started throbbing.
"Stop being so clumsy and get in."
"I—" He wasn’t clumsy? She shoved him.
"IN. Evan. If I have to tell you again—"
He clambered into his seat and pressed a hand onto the hurt, sniffing and starting to cry. He did his best to buckle up into his booster seat Maddie said he still needed. She was always making sure he was safe.
"Oh, don't be a baby," Mom mocked as she got into the driver's seat. "You're nearly six now. It's time to grow up!"
But he couldn't help it. The buckles blurred as he tried to get the click that meant he was safe before Mom hit reverse. They didn’t get far before he could, Mom’s driving making it harder to get the buckle in. Once it clicked he ducked his head and cried quietly while Mom drove them home.
He was too slow, he always messed up. Mom hated it when he was slow and distracted. He tried not to be; he was just excited about the clouds. Why did that make her angry?
He tried not to make Mom angry.
Maddie had given him a new book about how the weather worked. It was so cool. He didn't mean to slow them down.
They got home, and Mom got out of the car. She opened his door and glared at him. "Are you done now?"
"It really hurts," he whimpered, tears and snot down his face, and he wiped with his sleeve.
“Use a tissue!” Mom ordered, wrenching his arm away from his face; her grip on his wrist was painful.
“That hurts—”
Mom rolled her eyes and let go.
"Go wash your face and change your shirt. Now, Evan." Evan climbed out of the car and ran inside. Instead of going to the bathroom, he ran to Maddie's room and let himself in. She was on the phone and glared in his direction, but didn't really look at him. "Not right now, Evan!"
"Maddie—"
"Not now. Sorry, Sarah." Sarah. Her best friend. Evan liked Sarah; she was nice and warm. "Evan, get out." She climbed off the bed and ushered him out, still without looking at him. He tried to talk, but he couldn't get the words out.
Can't ever do anything right.
She slammed the door in his face. Evan went to his room and curled up under his bedsheets.
Why did he always mess up?
He was a loser.
Twenty-three years later, Buck looked around curiously as they stopped the car outside of Eddie's parents' house. The rest of the special deployment had gone home with the engines. But Bobby had given Eddie, Hen, and Buck time off and permission to stop over for a barbecue and a night at Eddie's parents.
"Mr and Mrs Diaz, it's a pleasure to meet you both," Hen greeted them politely. Buck knew a bit about Eddie's parents; he knew the relationship wasn’t easy between them, and Eddie was worried about them trying to fight for custody of Christopher. But Buck smiled anyway, hugged Eddie’s mom, and shook his dad's hand.
"Please, Ramon and Helena," Ramon said as he let them in.
"It's really nice to finally meet you," Buck started and followed them all into the house while Ramon excused himself to go turn on the barbecue now that they were here.
The living room and dining room were open plan, decorated lightly with some pictures on the walls, and he could see Chris and Eddie in many of them, as well as Tia Pepa and Eddie's abuela Sophie. Eddie ducked into the kitchen, muttering about getting them all beers.
"Thanks. You have a lovely home, Mrs— Helena," Buck said, remembering the manners Maddie taught him. His parents never bothered.
"Oh, thank you. You're… Buck, right?"
Buck grinned. "That's me."
"That's an interesting name, your parents must be uh—"
"Pretty normal," Buck finished with a tight smile. "It's Evan Buckley, but I prefer Buck."
"Ahh. Eddie has missed that when he's talked about you."
Buck's heart jumped, but he forced a teasing smile in place as he turned to Eddie as his best friend came back into the room. Buck asked pointedly, "Oh? He's talked about me, has he?"
Eddie's ears turned pink, making Buck smirk. Eddie just shrugged. "Well, I talk about the whole team," Eddie said, petulantly giving Buck and Hen a beer each. "Hen, Bobby, and Chim."
"Right. Bobby and… Chim…" Helena started.
"Chimney," Hen supplied, "another nickname." Buck watched, waiting for the distaste his own parents would show, but there was just amusement.
"They didn't come to Texas with you?"
"No, Bobby is the Captain of the one eighteen, so he needed to stay to lead the rest of the team. And Chimney's girlfriend is pregnant," Eddie explained. "Buck's sister. Maddie."
"Ooooh! Your sister is having a baby? How exciting!" Helena exclaimed. "First one of the next generation?" Buck nodded, his hand tightening on the beer bottle. "Your parents must be so excited."
Buck's smile dropped. Why did everyone keep bringing them up recently? He didn't want to think about them, ever. He felt more than saw Eddie and Hen staring at him; he hadn't told Eddie about his parents. He just couldn't, and Eddie never asked.
He didn’t talk about them to the rest of the team. What was he going to say? They were horrible parents, and he left as soon as he could and didn’t look back.
That was all. Nobody needed to know what a screwup he really was.
"I, uh, I guess. Probably." He assumed Maddie told them, but hadn't asked her.
"You don't know?" Helena tilted her head, looking bewildered at the idea.
Buck shrugged. "Haven't spoken to them in… a while."
"Oh, well, it'll be good to reconnect over the baby." Buck stilled with the beer halfway to his mouth. He hadn't thought about that. They would probably visit the baby. Did they even know he was here too? He doubted they would want to see him at least. Seeing Helena get ready to ask more questions, Buck lowered the beer and looked to Eddie helplessly.
Eddie and Hen both were staring shocked, but at his silent request, Eddie cleared his throat and said, "Dad's started the barbecue? We should head outside."
“Oh, of course. This way.” Helena started to lead the wait when Hen spoke up.
"Wait, first, I have to ask about this." Hen moved past them to pick something up off the fireplace. Buck peered over her shoulder and gasped.
A picture of two kids, maybe ten or eleven. The cool metal frame felt solid in Buck's hands, grounding him in the moment. He could smell the faint scent of aged varnish as he examined the photo. The boy was in black trousers and a light blue shirt, the girl in a matching blue dress, locked in a dance. The sunlight streaming over the photo revealed the boy's familiar profile, even though his face was turned away from the camera. From what they could see, he was so unmistakably Eddie.
Eddie sighed, dropping his chin against his chest.
"Whoa. Eddie. That's you?" Buck asked.
"Yeah." He tugged the picture from Hen's hands to put it back, but facing away from them, letting them see the date on the back: 2003. "Thanks, Mom. Couldn’t have taken five seconds to hide it."
"What? Why would I? We were so proud of you!” Helena argued. “I can’t believe you never told your friends? Eddie won so many trophies for Ballroom Dancing," Helena explained to Buck and Hen. "Until he quit when he was fourteen."
"No way!" Buck grinned. "How come you never mentioned it?"
Eddie shrugged. "I dunno. Come on. Let's eat." Eddie moved past them, heading towards the back of the house.
Buck nudged Helena. "Can you put on some music? Make him dance."
"Buck, be nice," Hen scolded him while Helena laughed.
They all made their way to the garden where the smell of a lit barbecue reached them. Even without the food on it yet, Buck’s stomach growled. They’d been living on sandwiches and gruel while they fought the large fire. He was looking forward to a proper meal.
They all settled in one of the seats around the garden and talked lightly about the fire and the journey. Helena caught Eddie up on the gossip around their church, which surprised Buck as much as the ballroom dancing. He knew Eddie grew up catholic, but didn’t know he’d been going to church up until leaving El Paso.
When Ramon told them the burgers would be a few minutes, Buck excused himself to use the bathroom. He came out to find Eddie in the kitchen getting a couple more beers from the fridge. Buck couldn't help himself as he approached his best friend. "Ballroom dancing, huh?" He asked with a wide, teasing grin.
Eddie rolled his eyes and handed Buck the second beer. Buck's heart lurched; he had been out, and Eddie noticed. Eddie always noticed. "I enjoyed it. Till they made it all about trophies and shit."
Buck hummed and sipped at his beer, glancing at the back door. Eddie leaned against the counter, making no effort to go back outside.
"I gotta admit,” Eddie said mildly, “I thought your parents were dead."
Buck blanched and turned away. If only.
"Sorry.”
Guilt slammed into him at the genuine tone in Eddie’s voice. "It's fine. I just—" Buck shook his head and made himself look up at Eddie. He could trust Eddie with anything. "Maddie talks to them. I don't. Since the day I got in my Jeep and drove away. Eight years now."
"Wow. You uh—"
He could trust Eddie with anything, but he didn’t have to talk about it now. Just not now. Not during a nice dinner and a sunny day.
"Don't want to talk about it." Buck looked out the back door again and smiled. "Instead, I want to have a good time and try to convince you to show me some moves." He winked, but Eddie frowned, a strange look crossing his face. "Of— of ballroom dancing," Buck explained quickly, gesturing vaguely.
"Ah." Eddie shook his head. "Not gonna happen, Buck." He pushed off the counter and went back outside. Buck followed him, an easy smile still in place.
Eight-year-old Evan grinned to himself as he poured maple syrup over the pancakes. They were a bit messy, so he rearranged the strawberries again. He was proud of them. He could prove to his parents that he was capable and good at things. He put the plate on the tray with some coffee and started towards the stairs when Mom appeared in the doorway to the kitchen.
Can't do anything right.
"You were supposed to be in bed," Evan huffed. Her eyes were wide, and she looked past him. "Happy birthday!" Evan shouted excitedly.
"What have you done?" Mom sounded angry. He thought she would be happy.
"I— I— I made you pancakes…" He glanced behind him. The kitchen was a bit messy, but he was going to clean up. He just wanted to get these upstairs first.
Mom looked down at him, finally seeing the pancakes. He waited for the smile, the thank you. Then she shoved the tray out of his hands, the glass smashed on the ground, hot coffee spilled, and the pancakes landed in the glass, spreading strawberries and maple syrup across the floor.
Evan jumped away from the glass, tears pricking at his eyes. He thought she would love it. What was he doing wrong? He thought it was good.
Now it was ruined.
"Clean this mess up! Now!"
"I was gonn—"
"Don't you talk back to your mother!" Dad appeared from behind Mom, glass crunching under his hard-soled slippers. He grabbed Evan's ear, pulling him to the side. "Clean this up." He shoved him back, and Evan stumbled, slipping on the coffee and syrup. He put his hands out to catch himself, but still fell forward. Glass cut into his palms and arm, the pain making him gasp.
He whimpered, trying to push himself up, blood already starting to seep out of the wounds. When he looked up, Mom and Dad were gone, footsteps going back up the stairs. He sniffed, wiping his eyes with the back of his arm, and looked at his bleeding and shaking hands. It hurt so much, he didn't know what to do.
He tried to breathe, but it felt like a weight was crushing his chest. A metallic taste coated his tongue, and the high-pitched ringing in his ears grew louder with every heartbeat. His heart pounded relentlessly against his ribs, a constant reminder of his pain. He could only watch the blood and feel the rising tide of panic.
The front door opened, and he looked up at Maddie walking in quietly down the hall as though sneaking in.
Her eyes locked on him and went wide. She lost all sense of being quiet, and she ran to him.
Glass cracked under her shoes as she reached him and took his bleeding arm.
"Evan? What happened?"
"I, uh, I was trying to make Mom breakfast and I fell over," he lied. Can't do anything right. He couldn't even get it up to Mom in time. He hated that Maddie would see he screwed it up; she couldn't know how badly. She was barely home anymore, with high school and college applications.
"Come on. Let me clean up your hands, we might need to go to the ER—"
"No. It's fine—"
"Let me see. Then we'll… clean up the kitchen."
"I can do it!" He snapped, then tensed, waiting for the smack before he remembered that Maddie would never do that to him.
She just smiled at him, waiting. He sighed and let her help him to sit on the counter while she looked for the first aid kit.
"Did Mom and Dad not hear you fall?"
Evan shrugged, and Maddie looked at him knowingly. Except he knew she thought they just didn't care enough to see what the commotion was. He would let her think that.
Buck answered the door and grinned at Maddie on the other side. He had only been back from Texas for a couple of days. It was still morning so he had plenty of time to kill before his night shift. He considered texting Eddie, but figured he was busy spending time with Chris, so Buck decided to just chill out and maybe clean up his apartment a bit.
"Hey!" He greeted her cheerfully, but his smile faded at her worried frown.
"We need to talk. Can I come in?"
"Uh, yeah, of course." He stepped back to let her into the loft. She went straight to the sitting room. "You need a drink?"
"No. Come here a minute, Evan."
He clenched his fists, fighting the anxiety building in his chest. She called him Buck most of the time and only used Evan when it was something serious. He sat down on the couch and turned to face her. "Are you okay? Is Chimney okay?"
"Mom and Dad are coming to visit," Maddie blurted. "I invited them and they'll be here tomorrow."
Buck blinked, struggling to process her words. "What?"
It had been years since he'd last seen them. Eight years since he left Hershey, needing to find his place. He hadn't said a word to either of them; he had considered it when Maddie was missing, or when Doug died. In the end he couldn't bring himself to call the house number: the only way he knew how to contact them.
He found his place. It was here in LA, at the 118. This was everything he ever wanted; he was happy with a family that cared about him, a best friend, and a kid that might not bet his own but Buck loved Chris like he was. A good life.
He didn't want any of that tainted with them.
"You invited Mom and Dad to visit?" He repeated, needing to make sure he heard it right.
"Yes," Maddie breathed the word, knowing he didn't want them here.
"And you're just telling me now?"
"Well, you know… You were in Texas." Texas, where he helped to save lives and nearly lost Hen. "And… I wasn't completely sure they were coming."
"You're just telling me now... now that they have crossed the California state line, and it's too late for me to talk you out of it?" Maddie put a hand over her belly, drawing his eyes to the niece he couldn't wait to meet. "Though… I'm still not sure who talked you into it."
Would Chimney have? He asked about the abuse before Buck left for Texas. Was that him checking before helping Maddie to try to repair her relationship?
"No one." Maddie sighed. "I guess I just want my little girl to have a normal family. You know, uncles and grandparents that she might actually know."
Buck looked away, wondering if he could trust them with that little girl. They cared about Maddie more than him; the baby would be loved.
Frustration built at his inability to do anything but let this happen, and made him unable to resist the dig. "Well then, maybe you should have gotten knocked up by a guy who has one of those.”
"Well, that is not funny."
They both sighed. Buck knew he should apologize, but he wasn’t sorry. She knew their parents sucked, not how badly, but she knew some of it. Why did she want that back in their lives when things were finally good? They both fell silent for a few beats.
"Maybe…” Maddie continued, “Maybe this'll be a good thing, you know? You could talk to Mom and Dad, tell them how you've been feeling."
He scoffed, shaking his head. They probably wouldn't even admit to what they'd done. Even as he grew up and became stronger, they acted as though they had just been teaching him lessons. For a long time, he believed that was the case.
Sometimes he wondered if they were right; he was dramatic, he was exhausting. It wasn’t so bad most days.
"Could be good for your therapy, right?" Maddie prompted.
Therapy. He was definitely calling Dr Copeland after this. "Or cause me to need more of it."
How didn't she know? How could she think he'd ever want to talk to them again?
He sighed; she left him alone with them, and things got worse from there. When she visited, she had Doug to worry about. She put his injuries down to him being a daredevil.
Buck couldn't blame her for not knowing.
"I think I'm willing to try. And… maybe Mom and Dad are too," Maddie almost whispered it. She stared at him, wanting him there. She wanted him to try.
"Fine." He sighed again. For Maddie. For his niece. "But we're a team, okay? A- a united front. You are not allowed to leave me alone with them." He wasn't scared of them hurting him, not anymore. But he couldn't handle it; he couldn't handle being alone and forced to act like he was okay and didn't hate them.
"I won't, I promise. And don't worry, Chimney's gonna be there too."
Buck sighed. Right, that wasn't going to make it any less awkward.
"And Albert," Maddie added, looking as confused as Buck felt.
"Albert's coming?"
"He's Chimney's brother." Maddie shrugged and stood up. "I need to get to work. I'm sorry for dropping this on you, Buck. I am. But please… for me? I'd love to have us all for a couple of family dinners."
What else could he do but nod?
"I'll text you the details."
The moment she was out the door, he called Dr Copeland. Thankfully she replied instantly. Buck barely said hello before he just paced in front of his iPad. They had stayed telemedicine even though they could go back to in-person meetings after COVID. His first attempt at therapy, which he was still working through with Dr Copeland, made him wary of going in. He wasn't sure how to handle that it was considered sexual assault, and likely why Bobby got her fired. It didn't feel like it, but it also made him uncomfortable to think about.
But that wasn't why he had called his emergency session. Dr. Copeland waited patiently as he tried to speak, but couldn't say it multiple times.
"Why don't you start with what made you call this session?" Dr Copeland suggested gently.
Buck shook his head, trying to find the words. He sat down and blurted, "My parents are coming to town."
"Okay. That's not something you want to happen?"
Buck shook his head. "I haven't spoken to them since I was nineteen and I left Hershey."
"If you have no interest in getting back in contact, is there a reason you have to see them?"
"Maddie wants me to."
"Your sister?" Buck nodded. "And you can't tell her you don't want to?"
"She— she doesn't know about the— she doesn't know."
Dr Copeland waited, giving him a chance to say what Maddie didn't know without prompting.
Buck started pacing again. He'd never said the word before, even to himself. He'd gone on multiple deep dives on the internet, and he'd typed the word, trying to understand. But he'd never told anyone.
He didn’t know why he couldn’t say it. In his job, he’d been around other kids who were in the same situation; he could say it about Maggie and Doug.
But for him... maybe he was wrong. Maybe it was just him being dramatic.
He opened and closed his mouth a few more times, saying it would let her help him. “They— they— I think, they abused me." The words came out as a near whisper, but he was proud of himself nonetheless. He said it. Which meant he could heal, that's what Dr. Copeland has said before, at least.
Dr Copeland gave a small nod and shifted in her seat. He wondered if she'd figured it out already. "I'm very sorry, Buck."
"Yeah." He sat back down. "I've never used that word before. I knew it, but I haven't said it."
“Why do you start it with, ‘I think’?”
Buck shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe I just remember it worse than it is. I’ve been around kids that were nearly killed and... and other things that are so much worse than for me, so... I don’t know.”
“The levels of abuse doesn’t change what it is,” Dr. Copeland reminded him gently. When Buck didn’t reply, she asked, “Do you think you’ve never talked about it before, because that makes it too real?"
"I guess so. I don't know. Isn't that what I have you for? To help figure it out?" Her lips twitched, but that was the only reaction to his attempt to lighten the mood.
"Do you want to talk about that or your parents' visit?"
"I, uh, I don't know. I just— Maddie, she uh, she doesn't know, and I don't know what to do. Because I never told her. But as long as— as I can remember, they were horrible to me. They would shove me, hurt me, talk down to me." His hands shook as the memories slammed into him one by one. Every moment of fear and pain hit him at once. "I— I— I don't know why. They never hurt Maddie." The words came out through a sob.
Why him? Why wasn't he good enough?
"I didn't ask to be born!" He shouted, suddenly wanting to throw something as he stood up again. Frustration at Maddie, his own helplessness, he was just a child, all hitting him at once, and he wanted to scream. "All I did my entire life was try to show them I was worth loving! I wasn't a total loser! And I'm finally something! I always knew I could do it, but— but they never did. I'm a great firefighter! I am, I can be a bit Buck sometimes, but I'm good. I know it. And now they're coming back to ruin everything I built. On my own! I've got family, friends— I can't lose that."
He collapsed, almost deflating back on his couch. He couldn’t lose that.
"Why do you think you will lose it just because your parents are around?"
"Because then everyone else will see what they see," Buck said in nearly a whisper.
"And what is that?"
"That I'm a loser. That I can't do anything right."
"What exactly makes you think your Captain will think that? Or your sister? Your best friend? Your colleagues? All of whom you talk about like they're family. Real family."
"I don't know. I— I don't know. Maybe. I don't know." He dropped his head into his hands, pushing his palms into his eyes, trying to stop the tears.
"You don't have to see them, Buck," Dr Copeland said softly. "You have no obligation."
"I do to Maddie." He knew his voice was muffled, but she heard him anyway.
"Because of the way she cared for you?"
He nodded. "It was only when Maddie left… the day she left, the hitting really started. They would slap me before. Push me around… b— but it got so much worse. Maddie doesn't know. I always hid it from her 'cause I didn't think— I didn't want her to know what a screw up I was." Buck scrubbed his face and looked up again. "She wants to get back in contact. Give her daughter a normal family, but that means regular visits.” What choice did he have? What was he expecting Dr. Copeland to do? She couldn’t stop the visit. “I can handle it. I'll be fine. Thank you, Dr. Copeland. I need to get ready to go to work."
Dr Copeland looked like she wanted to say more, but knew that she wasn't going to get more from him right now. "Okay. Call me anytime today. I may not answer if I'm with another client, but I will call you back as soon as I'm able."
"Okay. Thank you." He cut off the call and sat back, running through a thousand moments in his mind.
Nine-year-old Evan sobbed as he scrubbed at the bright purple stain on the cream couch. He hadn't meant to spill the grape juice; it was an accident. But there was no way to hide it. The stain was bright purple, and on the front of the couch, he couldn't even turn the cushion over.
Mom and Dad would be home any minute after dropping Maddie off at college. She wouldn't even be here to help him afterwards.
He scrubbed anyway.
The front door opened, and all he could do was run. He ignored the shout as he passed Mom by the door and ran up the stairs and into Maddie's room. He was careful not to slam the door, but he heard the gasp and shout. Her room was so bare. She hadn't left anything, no reason to come home anymore.
"Evan Buckley! Get down here now!"
Evan climbed into Maddie's bed.
"EVAN BUCKLEY!"
Evan pulled his knees to his chest, and the door slammed open to Dad's furious face.
"You're not even going to face what you did? All you had to do was apologize."
Evan looked up at him through his eyelashes. "I— I'm—"
"Over here." Dad pointed to the floor in front of him; he seemed calmer than a second ago. Evan’s stomach twisted; he didn’t want to go over there even though Dad didn’t look angry. His heart pounded, and he moved slowly, head hanging low. "I'm—"
"Look me in the eye. Be a man."
Even licked his lips and slowly looked up at him in the eye. "I'm sor—"
The punch caught him by surprise; it was usually a shove or a slap. The punch sent him stumbling and falling from the force of it. The pain was immense, and he cried out and tried to curl up to protect himself when another punch rained down.
"Can't even apologize right!" Dad shouted, picking him up by the scruff of his shirt and throwing him onto the bed. "Can't leave you alone for five minutes! What's the point of you? Can't save anyone, can't do anything!"
Save anyone? What did that mean? He was only nine.
Evan scrambled back to the headboard, curling himself into a ball. After a moment, he slowly peeked out from behind his arms and saw Dad glaring down at him.
"Useless."
Dad turned and walked away. Evan slowly touched his face, hissing at the pain, and tears streamed down his cheeks. The salt in his tears stung the cut on his cheek as he curled up and sobbed.
He wanted Maddie back.