Chapter Text
Felix could remember the simple definition he would use if someone asked him about Chan. He was his refuge, his home away from home, a sunny time spent on Coogee Beach. And then, of course, he was the leader of their group which no one could argue about. It was simple back then. He was the man to admire, the one that would take matters into his own hands. The one that made Felix feel safe. With Chan, what else was there to feel but safe and secured, loved and led?
“Hey, do you think I should keep growing my hair? Like…letting it grow out?”
Felix tosses a banana peel in the compost disposal, catching a glimpse of Chan in the body-length mirror in front of him. They were currently in Santiago in the green room with about three minutes to spare before they would go onstage to kick off their first show of the LATAM Leg of their DominATE Tour. Felix blinks, his mind reeling back to the question he just heard Chan ask in a hesitant voice. He scans him onceover. His leader is dressed in their first fitting- all white princely attire with sparkled embroidery at the hems alike. His earrings are in, makeup done, his overall look calm except for the spark of readiness mixed with adrenaline in his eyes.
Oh right. He said something about his hair just now.
Felix stands up then and turns, walking over to where Chan is. He flickers his eyes to where Chan’s dark hair has started growing more than what has ever happened.
“Right, you usually would get a cut around this time, yeah.” Felix observes, reaching out to pet the top of his head, his fingers sifting through the soft strands.
Chan smiles softly. “I know. I was trying to like…see how it would be to grow it out. But I don’t know, though. Just a thought."
“What length?”
“Long.”
Felix pauses, and takes a step back, looking at Chan. Chan stares back for a millisecond before a slow and sheepish smile draws on his face.
“Well…I’d like to try, like, tying it up? That whole half-down hairstyle. You know. Or, a little bun in the summertime. Or the one braid style, like what we’d see back in Australia.” Chan shares his thoughts, his tone soft and somewhat nervous.
Felix stands in silence. There aren’t words, only envisions of a long-haired Chan on stage damp with sweat, then tied in a bun with loose strands in front, then pushed back with his long veiny hands, then styled in beautiful ways that compliment his outfits. The list begins to be endless and Felix really tries to say something, anything, but his eyebrows furrow and his gaze averts to the floor. He tries to talk to himself deep within to speak, to say anything that doesn’t let Chan know how much he’s prayed for days like these.
But when Felix finally looks up and back at Chan, then his hair, then back at him, the only thing that comes out from his mouth is a single sound.
“Ah.”
That’s all he comes up with. ‘Ah’.
“I don’t know. It’s just a thought,” Chan repeats as he turns back, looking into the mirror. “Do you think I could pull it off?” He asks with a little laugh, his hands raking through his hair.
At that, Felix scoffs, like there’s room for otherwise. “Of course you could. Chan, It’s you. You can make anything sexy.”
“Oi. Stop it, you.”
One of the stage directors pops his head in to let them know they need to start heading up the stairs and they do so. Felix falls in line behind Chan and they’re joined by the rest of the staff as soon as they meet the corridor. The way to the stage from where they are is long, and before he knows it, Felix is sitting next to Chan in the back of a golf cart. A bodyguard checks them off as the last of the members and soon they’re moving. Felix turns to Chan.
“Have you asked the others what they think?” Felix asks, looking more at his hair than his face.
Chan nods. “Yeah, I asked…who did I ask…..” He drags the word out as he thinks. ”Seungmin thinks I should do it, Jeongin said it would work with my face shape.”
He then chuckles, playfully rolling his eyes. “Han says that I should think about him before considering stealing all of Stay’s hearts.”
Felix smiles. “Ah yeah. Don’t be stealing my Stays like that, you already have your own.” He teases, causing Chan to shake his head and giggle, a pink hue present on the top of his ears.
“It’s our Stays, and I’m not stealing anything, yeah? They’re all of ours!”
“Suuuuuuure.”
It’s only when the drive starts to get close and the roaring of a distant crowd of thousands through the reverb of the stadium does Chan turn and look at Felix, an easy-going smile on his face.
“But yeah, ran it by the others, but I really wanted to ask you.”
Felix’s eyebrows furrow and he’s somewhat confused, but he smiles anyway. “Why me?”
The golf cart comes to a stop and Felix and Chan step down. “You have good opinions.” Felix hears Chan say as they walk together amidst the group of security guards and staff.
Felix blinks, his eyes ahead. “Hyunjin has good opinions.”
“Yeah but,” Chan’s voice is soft and hard to hear between the growing cheers that start to resound louder with each step. Felix leans forward and places his hand on Chan’s back to hear better.
“He has strong ones, but you always back up anything with something reasonable. You see things in bigger pictures, not just for the moment, the long run." Chan raises his voice more and talks with his hands, as though trying to get Felix to hear and see everything that he’s saying right in front of him.
“Mmmm…nah.” Felix shakes his head, but he’s smiling nonetheless.
The two continue walking, joining the rest of the members that are right by the stairs they need to go up on before they’re on the stage. They’re on soon, but there’s still time as 'Chk Chk Boom' is currently playing as the final minute before the show starts. The dancers are getting into their places. The crew and set up team are handing everyone the mic packs and Chan gives a thumbs up to the band, who are in position.
Felix finds himself staring at the back of Chan’s hair, squinting his eyes a little as he contemplates. He realizes that even back in the green room, he never really gave him a genuine opinion.
“Do you want pros or cons? Or both?” Felix suddenly asks.
Chan turns around to face him and Felix thinks it’s amazing how he goes from leading and doing a final check in with the team to now smiling, going back to the conversation with him.
“Both.”
“Okay…” Felix spots one of the staff heading his way with a mic pack. He smiles and says thank you as she hands it to him and he looks at Chan as he adjusts the volume and clips the pack to the back pocket of his pants.
“Cons. When it’s long, there’s so much more to manage. When my hair was really long last year, it would take seven whole minutes just to wash it. When you’re eating it gets in your mouth, and you also just feel it at the back, down your shoulders all the time. You can get really hot as well.”
Chan takes his mic pack and clips it to the side of his pants. He nods, listening intensely. “Okay. That makes sense. What about pros?”
Felix takes a breath, looking over at Chan. “Your in-ear is tangled to your necklace, one sec.”
The chaotic moments backstage are what Felix genuinely likes the most. Although stressful with running around, and last minute adjustments, background vocal warm-ups, overhead cheering from thousands of fans, body stretches and a silent prayer, he enjoys this part.
Felix steps closer to Chan, his eyes focused on the wire and chain tie as he rests the outside of his palm on Chan’s chest. When he does look up at him, his eyes dance as he smiles, going back to the conversation.
“The pros is that you’re unstoppable. It adds a whole other level of confidence you didn’t even know you had. You can do anything. You can style it however you want to. You become anything you want and it graces it, and it shows.”
Felix detangles the in-ear wire and places it on top of his shoulder, dangling the earbud over. He takes a step back and shrugs.
“But,” Felix says just as Chan adjusts his necklace so it’s lower on his chest. “It is your decision. You should do what you want because you want to.”
Chan nods, shooting a gracious look as he smiles. “I like your opinion.”
Felix blinks and then chuckles. “Did you not hear what I just said? It’s your decision. Doesn’t matter what I think.”
A series of cheers erupts as the guitar starts the infamous intro line following with Felix’s whispered ‘Stray Kids’ through the stadium. The guys are pumped. The crew is fixing last minute changes but from this point, this is where Chan checks in with the guys and conducts their group huddle.
He ushers the rest of the members and they crowd around him. He speaks loudly, trying to make his voice heard over the sound of the start of the night. Felix stands next to Han, placing a hand on his shoulders as they gather, looking over at Chan. Whenever Chan speaks there’s an adrenaline that passes, and Felix cannot wait to get out there to do what he loves most- perform.
“Okay guys, this is it. Don’t injure yourself, have fun, spray lots of water, you can make mistakes, and do whatever you want. Fighting on three, 1, 2, 3-”
“FIGHTING!!”
Felix squeezes Changbin’s muscles for good luck- yes, it’s a thing, don’t judge him- before he lets go. His game face is on. He adjusts the mic pack just slightly to hear the drums better, and then adjusts his in-ears as he walks up the stairs. He likes to do the thing where it’s not on as tight only in the beginning, just to hear how loud the stays are. Though the vibration of cheering under his feet that grows with each step tells Felix what he already knows- that the stays outside just seconds away from seeing them, are the thunderous ones.
There are goosebumps on Felix’s arms once they all get to the top of the stage. The intro music ends just when the camera goes straight to Felix. All he sees are lights, bright lights that look like stars in the crowd, but there’s thousands of them. All over in every sector. That’s enough to give him the power and adrenaline and he pumps his fist up and screams into the mic.
“ARE YOU READY??”
The cheers that erupt are beautiful and Felix looks over at the others just as the downbeat of ‘Mountains’ begins. He earns a grin from each of them, and Felix has been doing this for so long that he can translate the feeling they all have just by the look in their eyes. Felix reminds himself of what Chan always says in their group huddle.
‘Don’t injure yourself, have fun, spray lots of water, you can make mistakes, and do whatever you want.’
His heartbeat raves just at the same rhythm as the drums and Felix starts the song, making an ode to himself that having fun, giving his all, not caring about mistakes, and doing what he wants is the key to how this show and the rest of the leg and tour will be.
_______________
The next weeks of tour are both rewarding and equally challenging for Felix. He gives his all, despite the demand of the show. They finish LATAM, go home for a bit while filming content, then have some stops in Japan. Then, it's off to North America.
There are some alterations in choreography by the decision made by the staff, medics, and Felix to help him with still managing to perform, and take better care of his back. Some days are okay, other days it's the worst flares he's ever had.
Like today, for instance. It's LA day 2, and there's a couple minutes until soundcheck. Felix is currently laying down on his stomach, biting his lower lip to keep from letting out bigger groans that cause the medic team to worry. He doesn't want them to worry. He wants a simple check-up that should honestly be over by now.
A sharp pain runs through his spine even though Felix knows he was just touched with careful fingertips. He holds in a breath, hopefully slow enough that no one catches anything and he tries to focus on the paint patterns on the wall.
“...that hurt, didn't it?”
Felix freezes, then sighs, running an exasperated finger through his hair.
“Yeah.”
“Felix, I'm sorry, but it’s looking bad. You're not doing soundcheck today.”
Felix can't see the current PT trainer’s face. He doesn't even know who's speaking. He gets new ones each week. Felix feels uneasy and he tries to stop his thoughts from running into places of self-blame he'd rather not get to. But it's more challenging than people think. Atop the flaring, another layer of mental flares rush and Felix tries to look around the room and tell himself five things he can see to distract his thoughts. It's difficult.
“...this will help with the pain. But in the meantime, you're not getting up.”
Felix wants to scoff. It's always “help with the pain”, not “help cure the pain”.
The room goes silent except for the sound of Felix’s breathing. His chest heaves in and out against the bed, and he's trying to go slow, just enough that can keep him from the tears that threaten to bubble up. Felix feels stared at and he hates the feeling. He absolutely hates when he's helpless and monitored like a kid.
Though like a kid who doesn't know any better, Felix finds himself speaking.
“Can you call Channie-hyung please?”
There's a beat of silence that goes long and honestly makes Felix question whether or not anyone would think weirdly of him. But he can't help that. Not right now where the pain throbs and all Felix has ever known, and for the past seven years, calling his leader is always his resort for no matter the cause of reason.
A voice suddenly speaks out.
“Well…he's about to go onstage now. We can get him after-”
Felix shakes his head. “Please. It’ll be quick. Just get him, please.”
Felix doesn't want to sound desperate, but Chan is the only name he can think of. He's not even sure what he wants from his leader, perhaps just the simplicity of his scent in the room to ground him. He knows Chan always makes things better. Chan is, by his earliest definition, Felix’s refuge.
“Okay. We’ll get him.”
There's movement Felix hears as he closes his eyes in relief. The pain is still there, and although he does feel like crying, he finds hope in the fact that at least soon he’ll see him.
It doesn't take long before Felix hears the sound of voices from behind the dark grey curtain that separates his PT’s room from the green room. The voices are hushed but Felix can tell whoever's out there is talking about him to Chan. Felix wants to feel uneasy or embarrassed, but this has been going on for so long, and he knows that despite how he feels, it would be impossible for Chan to make him feel worse.
The curtain opens then, and although Felix is still laying down on his stomach and has his eyes facing the wall so he can't see him enter, Felix knows it's Chan.
“Hey.”
It's calm. It's measured. It's also a bit of wonder and Felix can understand. They're so close to soundcheck time and Felix is sure the other members are gathered behind the stage wondering why they aren't on yet.
“I know you're about to go on, but…” Felix starts.
There's a weight on the bed and Felix can smell the scent of vanilla, what Chan always smells like. He feels Chan’s hand on his arm, gently running his thumb just over his elbow.
“Don't worry about that. What's the scale today?”
The scale is the question Felix gets asked often, sometimes by the medics, and other times by the members bold enough to want to pry. It doesn't offend Felix much anymore, at least, not like how it used to back when he was first officially diagnosed with his herniated disc in 2022. Back then, Felix found it annoying to be constantly surveyed. He felt like someone else, needing extra care for, or someone who was only defined by the chronic condition.
Now, it doesn't bother Felix as much. He knows the members don't try to ask him to scale how badly the pain is from 1-10 as much anymore. He feels that over the years they do their absolute best to treat Felix normally. And if there are ever times where he does feel different from them, it's his own inward voice talking, not anything bad they've done.
Right now Felix sighs as he visualizes a scale in his head, trying to measure how he feels. Because he's so deep in his head and hasn't replied, he feels Chan shift on the edge of the bed.
“Be honest with me.”
Felix lets out another sigh as he bites his lip. He takes a deep slow breath, trying to reassure himself that honesty is what he needs to say to be accurately treated. But he hates feeling weak.
Felix feels frustrated when he finally answers.
“Nine.”
Chan doesn't say anything else. He usually doesn't. That's the difference Felix notices between him and others. Most trainers and medics ask for the scale and then immediately talk, shooting out different treatments and relievers without a second glance, like they've already awaited his answer. And he knows back hernia is not any medical’s first rodeo, and of course on a bigger scale, it's better to work with people in experience. But sometimes Felix feels like they dismiss his pain so quickly, like they never even heard him. Almost reducing him to a checked-box answer of patients who say the same thing. Like, a written thesis of surveys that all start with “we asked 12 men in their mid-20s to scale their herniated disk” to help with their analysis project and data.
But Chan is different. He always is. Always attentive. Always placing needs over anything else. And while Felix is appreciative for it, it also makes him feel uneasy.
Felix closes his eyes. It’s stupid, really. Needing to have Chan in here like a parent even though there's multiple fans waiting outside for him. He tries not to think about the disappointment that fans could have once they hear the news that he's not coming, and Felix shakes his head.
“I want to do soundcheck.” He mutters lowly.
Chan's hand still rests on Felix’s forearm but his thumb stops moving for a second, and Felix knows that there's a somewhat shock he's masking.
“...I know you do, Lix. But you need to give your body a bit of a break before the show tonight.”
He always sounds so calm. So sweet.
Felix can't help voicing out his thoughts that circle around guilt, frustration, and overthinking.
“The fans will be so disappointed in me.”
“They won't be disappointed in you.”
Felix sighs. “They paid lots of money for the VIP soundcheck though.”
“And they're still getting soundcheck.” Chan’s voice never wavers from his calm tone. Felix appreciates it, even though his thoughts still spill.
“But some of them want to see me.”
“They're still going to see you. You’re still doing the show. You're going to be on stage for the next three hours. That's more than what anyone else would even do. Besides, if they truly are your fans, then they would prefer you taking care of your health and prioritizing that first.”
There's a beat of silence for a second as Felix thinks about what Chan says. There's a part of him that knows Chan’s right, though the other- and louder- part of Felix’s brain thinks in a different kind of rational way. He thinks about previous injuries in the group, where during one performance no one knew that Han cried so hard his eyes were swollen and he had to put sunglasses just before smiling and waving to fans as though nothing had happened. He thinks about Hyunjin’s injured wrist, or that time when Seungmin had laryngitis and still had to belt out on stage like everything was normal.
It's why Felix feels so uneasy and different sometimes. Was he that weak that he couldn't handle it? Did he get pampered too much? Would fans catch on and hate him for it?
“Some people will think that I'm getting special treatment.” Felix says, already thinking about some of the mixed reviews he had seen with JYP’s announcement on choreo alterations back in May.
At that, Chan actually sighs.
“Some will. And I hate that. But you can't expect everyone to understand. The only thing you can do right is listen to yourself and your body signals. Which is what you're doing, and it's the most important thing.” Chan replies.
There's a hand that's suddenly on Felix’s lower back now, but Felix hisses, wincing in pain automatically. He doesn't want to, but there's a certain pang just at the spot that Chan touches. Chan immediately takes his hand away, and Felix feels bad for removing his contact.
“I'm sorry-” Felix starts to say.
“Please, Felix, don't apologize. It was me, I didn't think. You're at nine. I should've remembered.”
Felix frowns, wanting to say more but he sides against it. He just grumbles under his breath again.
“It's pathetic.” He says, and Felix hates that his back can't handle a comforting touch right now, because physical contact is what Felix loves more than anything.
Chan sounds concerned. “...If I could take this pain and put it on myself instead, I would do in a heartbeat-”
“No.” Felix says quickly, his voice firm. “I don't wish this upon anybody.” He says, sharply.
Chan falls silent then and Felix knows him enough to understand that he's absorbing his words and evaluating what he said. He lets out a breath, looking up to the clock that ticks. If it’s the real time, then it just hits after 5pm. Felix doesn’t want to be the reason they have to hold off soundcheck and leave fans waiting in the hot sun.
“You should go.” Felix says softly. “I’ll be okay.”
“Okay. You can do the show? Have you got your painkillers?” Felix feels Chan stand up from where he once sat at the edge and Felix nods, already missing him.
“Yeah, they’re by the table. I’ll take them in a bit. And yeah, I’m good for tonight.” Felix says with a small smile, trying to let Chan hear the determination in his voice.
“Okay. I'll be back after. If you need anything though, just call me.” Chan’s voice is coated with love and concern, but also a firmness that comes from keeping his word.
Felix chuckles. “You’ll be on stage, dimwit. Don’t worry, I’ll be okay. I’ll see you guys after.”
He feels Chan’s hand ruffle his hair and he smiles, closing his eyes to the familiarity of that small gesture. It’s like a slice of home all over again, something that can take away the pain and replace it with a smile for only a millisecond. It’s a point of contact that makes Felix assured that Chan doesn’t blame him for anything, and is here for him.
“Okay. I’ll come back here as soon as soundcheck’s over.” He says, removing his hand from Felix’s hair.
Felix nods, trying to crane his neck so he can slightly look over his shoulder. He only catches a figure near the door in an oversized white t-shirt over black shorts, but can’t see far enough in the corner of his eye to see Chan’s face.
“Okay, thanks, Chan. Love you bruv.” Felix calls.
The curtain slides open. “Love you broski!”
Felix smiles to himself, flopping back on the bed as the curtain now closes and he knows that he’s back to being alone in the room. It’s absurd really, and kind of scary just how powerful Chan is. You take a moment where Felix was sulking, and then suddenly minutes passed and despite the pain being there, there’s a smile on his face. All because of a little talk with Chan.
Because that’s who Chan is. In Felix’s world, Chan always makes everything better. It’s what Felix thinks about as stretches to get his phone from the small table in front of him, a new determination filling up his body that tells him he can push through. All because of Chan.
______________
Felix is bored.
Well, he’s trying to tell himself he’s not bored, but he definitely is. And a little tired. He’s bored and tired.
He’s just finished a PT rehab session. After the concert normally when the other members are either eating or crashing from the intensity of the night and high adrenaline of the concert, Felix resides in his nightly stretches. They’re supposed to make him feel at ease enough to sleep. It’s like a dice rolled. Sometimes it works and he dozes, other times he’s more awake than ever.
His phone reads 2:17am and Felix mentally remembers that it’s 3:17pm in Korea. He goes on Bubble for a bit, asking stay if they've eaten lunch, how their day is, and everything in between. When he finishes he says that he’s going to sleep. The stays on the other end of the world wish him a goodnight and he smiles, receiving all of the love.
But Felix hasn’t gone to sleep yet. He’s looking for something to do. There’s endless scrolling on Tiktok at first, and when Felix thinks it’s enough, he wants to check in with someone. He’s in his hotel room by himself and while he can definitely appreciate the solitude, some days Felix doesn’t want to be alone.
Maybe video games would be good. Something to take his mind off of everything.
He at first calls Changbin. By the third ring he picks up.
“Hello?”
His voice is a lower octave and definitely drowsy. Felix’s eyes widen in recognition.
“Oh. I’m sorry, you were sleeping. Sorry.”
“What’s wrong? Is everything okay?” Changbin asks, and Felix can hear the rustling of blankets in the background.
“Yeah, no. Don’t worry about it.” He looks around the room, trying to find an excuse on why he was calling Changbin at nearly 3am. “I was um…I accidentally called you. I was actually trying to call…”
Felix pauses, his eyebrows furrowing together. Who would be up this late?
The lightbulb switches in Felix’s head and he speaks, his eyes widening.
“Channie-hyung. I was going to call him and your number was right under so I accidentally dialed yours.” Felix answers.
There’s a pause over the end of the line and then Changbin makes a noise, like a grunt. Felix feels bad for interrupting his sleep.
“I’m sorry I woke you. Go back to sleep, okay?”
“Okay. Good night.”
Changbin ends the phone call before Felix can say goodnight back to him and Felix softly smiles to himself. But then his smile soon falters as he thinks about what he realizes he said. Chan must be awake right now. That’s not something new, Felix has known of his insomnia for a while. But during those sleepless nights, Chan can be in the zone and productive.
It's not easy being Chan, Felix knows. Felix admires him. He gives so much of himself, while tending to the needs of the members, and being the spokesperson for the company, all the while producing on the side. Not to mention the fact that they are quite literally on tour right now. His clock never stops, but it's the silent hours when everyone's gone to bed that Felix can imagine Chan appreciates the most. When he's in no one else's presence but his own.
So although Felix maybe feels like he can check on how his leader is doing and maybe hang out, he doesn't want to be a bother.
He sits on his bed, mind running.
“This is ridiculous. Why can't I sleep?” Felix mutters to himself as he checks his phone again. 2:18am.
He tosses the phone to the side, remembering to help his posture by sitting up completely straight. He recalls the string theory he was taught back in primary school, on imagining someone above pulling you on a high string. To his classmates it was the coolest thing to envision. To Felix, he was always confused as to why God would make them puppets.
Felix takes a deep breath before he looks up at the painting on the wall across from him, only stared at a million times. It's a cool-toned painting, just a simple piece of a pier at night. It's beautiful nonetheless. Felix wonders and wishes that he can go to a pier again, kind of like the one he, Seungmin, and Jeongin visited back in San Francisco. That evening was so fun and filled with memories. He also was in great company.
Company. Never alone.
Yeah, that does it, Felix thinks to himself, getting up from the bed. He stands and reaches for his phone and then walks to the nightstand by his bed to grab his room keys, shoving them in the front pocket of his hoodie. I'm seeing Chan, I don't care.
Felix is too bored to think about anything else and wants the presence of another with him. He gets to the door and puts on his crocs, and then steps out without a second glance. The carpeted floor is soft and perfect so it's not to disturb anyone. Though he knows the floor they're in is only reserved for the members and some staff, Felix still doesn't want to risk waking up anybody.
Chan's room is further down, about 6 doors away from Felix. Felix looks at the number 833 and stands in front of it, lightly tapping his knuckles against the wood. He doesn't hear anything at first, and he looks around the corridor, hoping no one wakes up. But after a few seconds of silence, he hears the sound of Chan’s door opening.
Chan stands in his all-black attire, a black cotton tank top revealing his ever toned biceps and broad shoulders and there’s a silver cross necklace dangling in the front of the top. His black shorts are athletic and a bit baggy on him but are enough to show calve muscles. His dark hair is long and fluffier as it dries from definitely being under a shower head. He looks at Felix, tilting his head a bit as there’s a small smile on his face but confusion in his eyes.
“I thought you were room service.” He laughs and Felix lets out a chuckle.
“Ah, no. Just me. You ordered food?” Felix asks, craning his neck down the corridor once more before he looks at Chan.
“Just some wings and a salad.” Chan’s expression changes immediately. “What’s up? Did you just finish? How was the session?”
Felix nods. “It was good, yeah. I just got back now. But um…” Felix pauses and chuckles once more, his hand reaching his hair. He feels Chan looking at him and for some reason he’s almost shy.
Felix looks at Chan. “I’m bored? Like, I’m not tired, I just wanted to like…hang out?”
He shouldn’t be surprised that the leader would automatically smile and be compliant, but of course he would. It’s Chan.
“Yeah, of course, come on in.”
Chan pushes the door and starts walking inside, giving Felix the way to pass. His room is just like him, organized to the tee, neat, orderly, but a space where the lights are dimmed just enough. There’s a double-bed with two pillows propped with one of Chan’s hoodies placed on the headboard. There’s also a smaller couch just across from it, a table nearing the couch, and beyond, Felix spots the entry way to the kitchen further down, plus the bathroom on the other side. It’s more spaced out than Felix’s room, and probably the other members, but he knows if anyone, Chan deserves it.
“Oh, did you want us to play Genshin?” Chan asks, suddenly turning to Felix.
Felix shakes his head, smiling softly. “No. Honestly, keep doing whatever you were doing, I just didn't want to be alone.” He permits.
Felix looks at the small desk in the far corner where Chan has basically transformed it to a studio. His Mac is open to Logic Pro, where the latest segments of vocals are added to their Stray Kids’s newest album ‘Karma' that will be released late August. Felix smiles.
“You don't stop.” He comments, taking his crocs off.
Chan giggles, going back to his spot. “It's been taking an hour to set the overdubs straight.”
Felix raises an interested eyebrow. “For who’s part?”
Chan pauses and Felix can't help but be curious now. He walks over and sits on the edge of Chan’s bed comfortably, like it's his own room.
Chan faces the computer, dragging a blue colored section over a bar.
“Ehhh….mine.”
Felix scoffs. “You're such a perfectionist.”
Chan turns around in his chair to face him. “Hey, everybody's a perfectionist in something they like.”
Felix just smiles, letting out a sigh. “Whatever you say.”
It’s quiet for a second. Not the type of quiet where there needs to be talking, they've known each other for so many years. Nothing’s awkward for the two of them. At least…it isn't supposed to be.
But the night is late. And the dim orange of the nightlight radiates a kind of soft tone on the side profile of Chan’s face. He looks tired, but in a long-day, overworked, kind of…domestic way. The type of picture of nocturnal souls stilled in the moonlight.
Chan blinks and angles himself, looking over at Felix.
“Are you sure you didn't want to do something? Like not even Genshin, but we could watch a movie or-”
“No, seriously. It's fine, really.” Felix suddenly stretches, letting out a weird noise as he completely lays down on Chan’s bed. “Keep working. I'm not even here. I’ll just be a fly on the wall.”
Chan gives an unsure look but obliges anyway, and when he fully turns to his laptop, Felix presses his lips together, trying so hard to hold back his laughter.
“Bzzzzzz bzzzzzzz.”
He has to make mosquito noises. He absolutely has to.
Chan’s head immediately whips back, looking completely horrified and that's when Felix loses it, rolling to the side in laughter. Nothing about it screams ‘rolling on the floor laughing', but Felix can't help it.
“You should've seen your face!” he says in between giggles.
Chan rolls his eyes, though a smile draws on his face before he turns back, giving his attention to the laptop.
“Let me work.” He mutters.
“Okay, okay, fine.”
Felix smiles, rolling back and propping on his elbow so that he can look at Chan. Well, all he sees is the back of him. His posture is great, and Felix should be envious. The headphones are around his neck, hands over the soundboard. Felix can't help but sit up slightly and he finds his stare drifting to Chan’s physique. Truly his leader has one of the best bodies he's ever seen. He takes care of it so well, and that's something Felix finds remarkable.
When he first met Chan, he was at an insecure place. Chan was the guy Felix would compare himself to in wanting to be like, but he would never look at it in the right way. Felix’s own insecurities added on with each encounter, each time he looked at him. Chan had a lot to give, a lot of dedication and hard work, plus talent and skills. During those times, Felix would question often what he would have. They came from the same place yet Chan seemed so put together, whereas Felix didn't know where to go.
Luckily as the years went by, it was Chan, the very same man that Felix would look up to, he was the one who taught Felix how to not compare. How to try to be thankful and acknowledge the strengths he already had. In doing this, Chan always said that it would give Felix the true equation of happiness.
Now at 2:23am, Felix definitely feels happy. Happier than the stress that's been building up the last few stops with touring. He feels grounded and centered and that's one of the main things he loves about being with Chan.
The door knocks and Felix sits up before Chan can even remove his headphones. He stands and looks back at Chan, giving an easy going smile.
“I'll get it, don't get up.”
Chan flashes a smile and he nods understandingly. Felix can see that the look on his eyes best translates to gratefulness.
“Thank you Felix.”
Felix stands and walks to the door, a pride in himself even for the little things. He lets Chan stay and work while he goes to the door. He’s attentive to Chan’s needs for once when usually it’s the other way around. And while Felix is so grateful for Chan’s sacrifices made for him and the rest of the members, there is a slight burden on his heart in wanting to do more for him in return. Chan is never the type of man to ask for anything, but Felix can tell when he appreciates what he wasn't expecting. It goes a long way.
Felix opens the door and smiles warmly at the man carrying the delivery, taking the food. He wishes for him to have a good night- though technically they're already in the new day, and he smiles as the man walks away.
Felix walks back into the room and sets the food down on the table by the fridge. He drags the table across the carpet, moving it so that it's closer to Chan’s working area.
Chan looks up and smiles, removing his headphones. “Oh wow that smells amazing.”
Felix opens the box and looks in at the multiple wings, seeing them covered in a sauce. “You didn't ask for the sauce on the side?”
Chan shakes his head. “No. I forgot you have the option for that honestly. Like these days I've been loving wings covered in sauce.” He says.
Felix takes out some napkins. “What sauce do you have with your wings usually?”
“Sometimes barbeque, this one though is specifically sweet and sour. And it's nice, like it's not too much of anything. It’s tangy…”
“It isn't spicy at all, no?”
“Not really. I can take it. You can probably take it too, like it's not even that bad.” Chan then gestures to the box. “Have some, by the way. Take.”
Felix shakes his head, going back to sit on Chan’s bed. “I already brushed my teeth before I got here. It's all you, man.”
Chan frowns as he pushes his chair back so he can stand up and reach for the plastic container with a caesar salad. He holds it up, looking at Felix.
“You don't want the salad at least?”
Felix gives an easy going smile as he lays back down. There's something about Chan’s bed, it's too much at home.
“I’m okay. Seriously. Eat to your heart’s content. You ordered this.”
Chan gives back a smile before he takes a napkin and grabs a wing. He takes a bite and hums, nodding as he closes his eyes.
“Mmm.”
Felix looks at him. “Is it good?”
Chan nods, eyes still closed. “This was definitely what I needed. Oh my gosh.”
That causes Felix to smile. He's glad. Even though the hours are irregular and deep down he knows that maybe staying up on a screen and eating food probably isn't the healthiest option, everything is worth it if it means Chan is content. It’s not like it's rare to see their leader smile, but it's kind of rare to see this joy in the cause of simply treating himself.
Felix gives a content sigh as he’s back on Chan’s bed and lies down on his side, propped on his elbow. He lets his gaze rest on Chan who wipes at his mouth with a napkin. Chan devours the first wing and then cleans his hands before he faces his laptop. A plate of wings is on the side and Felix just watches as takes bites as he studies the vocals. It's almost completely in his own little world now and Felix just wants to snap a picture at how drawing Chan is.
But a minute passes and Felix realizes that he's still staring. At this point he's memorizing details, taking in the little things. His hair is growing even more and Felix can't help but feel proud in the sense that Chan listened to him. Ultimately, the elder could do whatever he wanted, but the fact that it was a decision settled by Felix's opinion (as Chan would tell him), it did make him feel good.
Felix then blinks. He’s still staring.
At the realization, Felix eventually lays on his back, looking up at the ceiling for a bit, before he turns around, rolling the other way so his back is facing Chan. The comfort of the sheets, the dimmed lights, the smell of barbeque wings, and the soft occasional mindless hum that Chan does whenever he works on a piece of music, shoots a sort of familiar comfort to Felix from within. Without even knowing it, his eyes close and he starts to drift to a dreamless sleep.
_______________
The next morning, Felix slowly wakes up to the sound of Han’s singing. Which…is weird, because he doesn’t even remember letting Han in his hotel room. The sun feels hot and it bleeds through the dark curtain to where he can feel heat on his face. Not the comfortable kind with soft warmth gently brushing his skin, the kind of blaring that can wake someone in the deepest sleep.
Well, the sun and Han apparently.
Felix hears something about food. His brain is mush, slowly transitioning from subconsciousness to reality even though he wants to stay laying down. There’s a comfort to the bed, way more comfortable than his usual tossing and turning. He feels tucked in, something of a safety net or cocoon almost.
It would’ve been a full cocoon if there weren't for sudden voices. He hears the laughter of Changbin- who could ever mistake that giggle?- and then someone like Jeongin who sounds like he’s rejecting a hug from Hyunjin. Then he hears Minho, and then Seungmin talks atop of that as well.
Why on earth does Felix hear his members in his room?
Felix stirs, his eyes opening slowly. He sees figures through his lashes and then he blinks, lifting his head. The members are definitely here this morning though Felix does not remember for the life of him when he let them all come in.
Unless he’s dreaming.
Felix sits up straighter. The members are occupied with their own conversations and loud laughter to even notice that Felix is awake and in doing so Felix looks around, noticing that across from his bed the pier painting he’s stared at multiple times when unable to sleep isn’t on the wall. Instead a still-life of an apple on the table. Felix furrows his eyebrows and then blinks, taking in his surroundings, but the small grey couch, the desk by the fridge with a laptop and soundboard out tells him everything he needs to know.
He’s not in his room. He’s in Chan’s.
He actually stayed over and slept.
Felix didn't mean to sleep in Chan's room. He truly was meant to spend a little time in the presence of another to get over the loneliness, and then when tired enough, he’d go back to his room. But Felix didn't know that was the case. All that he could remember was the night being lazy and comfortable. There was no pressure, nothing where he had to count ceiling tiles or listen to drowning music to try and drift off. The domesticity of being on a bed watching Chan work had made him feel...
Feel.
What did he feel? What was he feeling?
Or most importantly, why was he feeling?
Felix lets out a sigh, running his hands over his face. Han is belting out “I Am The Best” by 2NE1 and Jeongin is still trying to squirm away from Hyunjin’s grasp.
“Hey! Happiness is awake!” Changbin suddenly exclaims, causing the rest of the guys to turn and look.
Felix doesn’t even remember the first time Changbin called him ‘happiness’, but it’s the name he’s grown to respond to. Felix gives a small smile as the others greet him.
“Finally! Minho made scrambled eggs.” Seungmin says, his voice heard down the kitchen area. When he emerges to the main bedroom in a white oversized shirt and grey sweatpants, there’s a gigantic blueberry muffin in his hands.
“But I got this for you from downstairs. It was the last one.”
Felix pushes some hair away from his face, tucking strands behind his ears as he completely sits on the edge of the bed, his feet not touching the ground as it dangles in the air. He reaches over, taking the muffin as his gaze falls on the abandoned chair and desk.
“Where’s…Chan?”
It’s the first words Felix says for the day, being that Chan was the last person he was talking to before sleeping. His voice is extra low and groggy and he feels sluggish as his eyes keep closing. There’s still sleep in him, but a type of fatigue that only comes from interruption from a good night’s sleep. A feeling Felix hasn’t had in a while since they started touring.
Han points out to the door. “Just outside. He’s on a phone call.”
Felix pouts, his eyebrows slightly furrowed as he wonders who would be occupying Chan’s time so early in the morning. Felix takes a small bite of the muffin as he glances at the group. There’s so many faces, so many bodies, and it’s in moments like these he remembers back when they all used to live together. Then he blinks.
“Wait, why are you guys here?” Felix asks.
“We have a meeting. Remember?" Hyunjin answers, chewing on what looks like grapes as he joins some of the members on the couch opposite to Felix.
The meetings were what didn’t happen as much with touring, but every two weeks, Stray Kids and some of the staff would meet for discussions on the group, music, planning, and their overall direction. Whenever they would have meetings, the choice of a room would be unanimously voted, but highly depended on how presentable the hotel room was. Even though the room could be any of the guys, it would most likely go to Chan anyway. And why not? Chan was notably the one they would go to with anything. Be it meetings or leisure, there was just something about the way he took care of his space and made room for others at the same time. It was rooted deep from his nature, not an effort.
“It’s just us today, though. The execs and managers are in another one right now.” Changbin adds, feeding some of his scrambled eggs to Seungmin as though he doesn’t already have his own plate.
Minho gives a smirk as he walks over, ruffling Felix’s hair. “Someone had a good night’s sleep. What happened, you stayed over at hyung’s?”
Felix swats Minho’s hand away. “Unintentionally. I only wanted to hang out for a bit.”
“Yeah, you called me last night at like, 2am?” Changbin recalls and Felix inward winces at the thought that the sleep didn’t erase that knowledge from Changbin’s memory.
“I thought something was wrong.” Changbin adds, turning to the others.
Felix shakes his head, scratching at an itch on his arm. “I just came back from the rehab session. My bad for not crashing right after.” His voice is a bit flat, almost defensive even though he knows that the others are just being playful.
Hyunjin smiles, shaking his head as he looks out the window. “I couldn’t do that. Once the sessions are over, I’m out like a light.”
That causes Felix to smile. “Yeah, I know. You become a complete baby.”
Han scoffs. “You’re one to talk. When we all came over earlier, as soon as we opened the door, we just went into the room, all we saw was you all out curled up in a ball under the blanket. I almost thought Chan had a kitten with him. And Chan was all ‘shh, don’t wake him’.”
Felix freezes, blinks, and then slowly looks at the comforter around him. He realizes that when he did start dozing off, he wasn’t fully on the bed, but more sprawled out on the edge, legs dangling. Now he was fully in the bed, the blanket over him. While heavy with sleep Chan must have moved him further up on the bed and draped the blanket over him. He tries not to imagine what that would have looked like. Chan had to have carried him, to start.
“That’s…” Felix pauses, as though wanting to say a word, but finding nothing to come out. He shakes his head, as though snapping himself out of it and looks at Han. “Shut up.”
Han snickers, walking back into the kitchen. Felix sighs and continues to eat his muffin slowly while his mind, that’s still trying to wake up, runs with thoughts. His eyebrows are still furrowed, visibly wearing a confusion to a feeling he can’t name.
It’s probably because he isn’t fully awake yet, but for some strange reason, his mind is on their leader. It just sits there. Chan’s name, his face, the way he looked so focused on his work, his body, the softness of his tone of voice, his hair…everything is just Chan.
He gives it a few seconds before he’s getting up entirely, rubbing his eyes.
“I’m gonna go wake up, I’ll be right back.”
Felix leaves the bed, walking over to where his crocs are near the door entrance and slips them on. He feels that he has his hotel room keys in the pockets of his hoodie and he turns the doorknob, ignoring Seungmin’s ‘you’re already up!’ comment.
What he doesn’t expect though, is that when Han said Chan was outside, he literally meant just outside the door.
Felix pushes the door open just at the second their leader moves swiftly away, and Felix jumps, his eyes widening as he sees Chan’s frame.
“Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry, you okay?” His hands by default hold on to Chan’s elbows as he looks at him. Chan stands, phone to his ear and Felix is reminded of the phone meeting he’s on as of right now. Nothing much has changed from when Felix last saw the leader last night, all except an unzipped black hoodie that Chan wears half off his shoulder, revealing the dip of his shoulder blade.
Felix quickly tears his eyes from the build and thinks that it’s safer to look at Chan’s eyes instead. Chan looks at him and gives a smile, warm and understanding as he shakes his head. He holds his phone away from his ear and laughs.
“It’s alright, you didn’t hit me.”
Felix breathes out a sigh of relief, his hand lingering on Chan’s elbows for a second before he lets them go. He takes a step back, noting Chan’s phone. There’s a voice coming from it that’s just talking. It’s not seemingly directed at Chan, but the male voice is in the middle of talking in the background. Felix hears the word ‘schedules’ and ‘standby’ and Felix realizes there must be some sort of business call going on.
But just as he’s about to weave around Chan to go to his hotel room, he feels Chan’s hand on his forearm.
“Hey, how was your sleep? The guys didn’t wake you, did they?”
To Felix’s amazement, as Chan asks the question, he presses the mute button on his call before his attention is on him. Felix tries not to think about the fact that Chan mutes himself away from an important meeting just so that he can talk to him. He definitely doesn’t feel flustered by it all, the calling and commanding leader to soft attentive Chan, placing important execs on hold just so he can ask Felix how his sleep was.
Felix shakes his head, thinking about how he woke up.
“Well, kind of, but…” Felix folds his arms, looking at Chan. He speaks softly, just barely a whisper even though he knows and saw Chan put himself on mute.
“You should’ve woken me up last night. I didn’t mean to sleep over.”
Chan shakes his head, a fond smile on his face. “I couldn’t wake you, you looked peaceful.”
Felix thinks about the night, a small part of him wondering what that must have looked like. Maybe Chan was too deep into his nightly producing procedures to even realize Felix drifted off. Maybe he asked a question and when he didn’t hear a response, he turned and saw Felix. Maybe his protector/weird dad instincts kicked in- the kind that made sure Felix was properly laying down and wrapped in a blanket.
Felix blinks when he realizes he took the only bed in the room, that was very much Chan’s, because Felix could remember smiling as his eyes closed as he melted to the smell of vanilla on the comforters. He doesn’t know if Chan pulled an all-nighter, and even though there was never any sleep for him really, Felix knows Chan doesn’t really go without at least one hour or thirty seconds of a light snooze.
“Where’d you sleep then, the couch?” Felix asks, his eyes zeroing in on Chan’s. Felix knows that whatever look he has on his face resembles that of a little kid, but he pushes that away. Felix feels a bit upset at himself for taking that space, that he was sure was already devoted to late night creativity in solitude.
Chan just nods, a small smile on his head. “I mean, I didn’t really go to sleep for that long. It wasn’t even a sleep really, I was basically resting my eyes.” Then he squeezes the grip that’s on Felix’s forearm. “You were peaceful. I wasn’t going to move you.”
“You could’ve climbed in and joined me. I wouldn’t have minded.”
Chan gives that smile he always does when something doesn’t seem to bother him before he shrugs, shooting a playful smile. “Ehh, s’okay. Besides, you hog the blankets.”
Felix deflates, pouting slightly. “I do not.”
Chan gives a knowing look and Felix sighs.
He does. He totally does.
Chan giggles, his eyes dancing and even though Felix rolls his eyes, he can’t help but smile either. He squeezes the pad of Chan’s shoulder in a way that says ‘be right back, go back to your meeting’ and Chan smiles pressing the unmute button. Felix hears Chan verbally agree to whatever the other executive was saying (though he just rejoined the conversation), and Felix can’t help but smirk as he walks past him, heading down the corridor to his room.
When Felix gets to his room, he sighs, going straight to the bathroom. He flicks on the light, staring at his reflection in the mirror. Blonde tousles, sea of freckles, and beady eyes stare right back at him. Even though in usual instances Felix would rather not pay attention to the puffiness and fatigue sleep would give him, there’s a part of him that recognizes this all came from a good night's sleep. A good and stilled one that hasn’t happened so far this tour. And he realizes it was all in Chan’s room, something of refuge.
But the weird part, Felix thinks, as he finishes brushing his teeth and washing his face, is that he can’t understand why he’s still thinking about him. Why is he replaying their conversation in the hallway like he’s never talked to him before. Why is he smiling right now?
Felix takes a deep breath as he leaves his room, walking down the now empty corridor heading back to Chan’s room. He’s just hungry. Once he’s had food, he’ll be fine. He’s just really appreciative over the sleep.
It’s the thing that keeps Felix tells himself as he knocks on the door, trying to ignore the whooshing sound in his ears when Chan opens for him, telling him to come in.
__________________
When June arrives, Felix finds the days roll fast, faster than he can keep track of. They just finished an amazing show in Truist Park in Atlanta, and are now boarding a plane to Orlando. The flight itself isn’t long, only an hour, and Felix stays awake for the entirety of it. When they land, they’re shown a resort that they’ll be staying in at Oak Hollow Manor Oviedo. It’s completely beautiful, like a farmland that Felix is told has held many weddings. The manor itself, spacious and roomy, has eight bedrooms with bathrooms in each, a homey touch of modern but also longbuilt. The living room is a generous size with couches, a fireplace, a coffee table, and the kitchen leads out to a dining area as well. Atop the stairs, a balcony with a rail looks down at the general area as a lookout post. While grateful for the five star qualities a hotel brings, Felix notes how long it’s been in a place with an upstairs. Outside out back there’s a pool and lawn chairs and in the front, the grassland goes beyond the fence where there’s even donkeys they can spot.
The stay isn’t long, and the members are told that they’ll be filming content for STAYweek. Their mission is to create the street music video for a new song called ‘0801’ that will be released as well as the album in August. It’s a secret shooting that stays don’t know about, and there’s a sense of pride they all feel in working hard even during their times off. To Felix, it doesn’t even feel too much like working anyway, when he’s just with the members like this.
They’re at the resort for four days, and they decide that they’ll film everything the second day, after they’ve rested. For the first, Felix and Hyunjin go to take a walk, chasing their own shadows across the grass.
“It’s beautiful here.” Felix speaks after a while of silence.
“I know.” Hyunjin gives a small smile, his focus on the dandelion his digital camera is aimed at. Felix stops and watches the scene unfold. Everything Hyunjin does is careful and measured, delicate and sacred. Even if it's just the simplicity of snapping a quick picture. When he takes the photo, he looks it over and Felix peers over his shoulder, glancing at the art in front of him. His eyebrows widen and he looks at Hyunjin.
“Wow, that’s so nice. Seriously, you have such a good eye for things.” His comment is sincere and Hyunjin chuckles as he continues walking.
“Thank you, Felix.” He says in English.
The two continue to walk over the grass. Their talks are minimal these days but anytime Felix wants to do something spontaneous, like taking a walk and exploring the area they’re in, or getting coffee (well, not coffee, more the pastries) at a local cafe, Hyunjin’s always the one to go with him.
“There’s something so romantic about this.” Hyunjin suddenly says. He spins around, with his hands outstretched and Felix smiles. He looks so free.
“One of the accommodators said that they do lots of weddings here.” Felix recalls.
Hyunjin looks at him, mouth slightly parted and eyes widened. “Oh really? I didn’t know that.”
Felix nods, and then holds his hand out, gently taking Hyunjin’s camera. “Here, keep spinning like that, I wanna take a picture.”
Hyunjin obliges and Felix thinks it’s the prettiest thing ever. When he’s done taking the photos, he hands the camera back to Hyunjin and they keep walking. After a beat of silence, Hyunjin speaks up.
“Would you get married here?” He asks.
Felix looks over at the taller man, a playful smile on his lips. “Would you?”
Hyunjin takes a breath, toying his bottom lip in thought. His gaze is ahead at the grassland beyond them and when some moments have passed, he smiles before nodding.
“Yeah. It’s dreamy. The outdoors, the farmhouse, very romantic.”
Felix smiles, picturing it all. “I can see that. Though I can also see you either someplace like this, or some historic site venue with flowers all around. It’d be elegant.”
Hyunjin lets out a soft smile. “I can see you married on the sands of a beach. Nighttime-no -evening. The sun going down the water, stars held above, lanterns on the ground. Most definitely in Australia.”
Felix closes his eyes as Hyunjin speaks. He can see the whole thing right in front of him. It makes him smile, not knowing that Hyunjin said Australia, the place that he’s always imagined himself going back to for his wedding, warms him within. He remembers once that he told Chan a few years ago under the topic of weddings that he wanted to be wedded back home in Sydney, and Chan, all sparkly-eyed and dimple-faced, just said “it’ll happen, don’t worry”.
Felix exhales. “I can see that. It’d be by the ocean, but from where you and the guys would be sitting, you’d be facing the ocean, and you can see the waves.” Felix stops, his hands pointing in all directions as he visibly shows his thinking. “The sky would be orange with a pink tint, and the moon would be out. Then I’d walk down the aisle here, and he- or-well..." Felix freezes for a second. "W-whoever I‘m marrying, would stand right across."
Felix feels his face flush a deep shade of red, while Hyunjin looks at him, smiling softly. It’s not that Felix hasn’t been out to his members. He remembers telling each of them back in 2023 when he knew that he liked men just as much as women. But since that time, there’s never really been a specific notice, as Felix believed that people spent too much time letting labels define a person. Whoever Felix likes shouldn’t be a big deal.
However, for the first time, Felix lets it slip that the specified detail of his spouse would be a man.
Hyunjin doesn’t say anything for a while, but he just smiles, continuing to walk. Felix keeps up with him, though it’s hard when he’s embarrassed and that the taller man has long strides. For a while he stares at the ground, tucking strands of hair behind his hair that keep escaping by the wind. At least the cool of the wind can fan off the heat on his face.
“I feel like we haven’t talked together in a while. Just us.” Hyunjin finally speaks up. Felix looks at him. He tries to study if there’s anything in Hyunjin’s voice but he can’t hear anything but genuineness.
Felix nods, blowing out a breath. “I know. I haven’t spent time with you in a while. I’m sorry.” He replies flatly.
Hyunjin shakes his head and chuckles. “Don’t beat yourself up too much. We are quite literally on a world tour.”
“Still, though. I can make more of an effort.”
Hyunjin doesn’t say anything after that. There’s a beat of silence before he decides to suddenly sit down on the grass, laying his legs out as he faces the sun. He closes his eyes, inhaling deeply. Felix’s eyebrows furrow, confused at the sudden zen-like position Hyunjin has placed himself in but a small smile draws on his face. He even considers sitting down with him for a second, before glancing out over the sun-lit bench by a tree further down.
“Did you wanna sit over there? There’s a bench.” Felix offers, looking down at Hyunjin.
“How are you? Genuinely. How’s your life?” Hyunjin suddenly asks, opening his eyes. He holds his hand over his eyebrows to provide shade as he tilts his head upward, trying to look at Felix. The sun is fully on him now as it’s the last of golden hour.
Felix blinks, shifting his weight from one leg to another in an awkward sway. Then he shrugs.
“I’m good. As for life, I can’t complain. There’s always some good that’s happening in my life, even if it’s small. Even throughout the chaos.” Felix adds a small chuckle. He shoves his hands in his pockets and tries to ignore the way that Hyunjin looks at him, almost as though expecting more. And it’s confirmed when Felix suddenly sees the corners of Hyunjin’s lips twitch in a playful smile, so he braces himself for whatever will come out.
“Does the good happening in your life involve…a certain someone perhaps?” Hyunjin asks, a smirk on his face.
Felix shakes his head, pretending that his heart isn’t leaping in his chest.
“No.”
“Really.” Hyunjin brings his knees to his chest and wraps his long arms around them. “Are you sure you’re not hiding anything from me?”
His voice is teasing and his eyes have a glint of sparkle but there’s also a genuine warmth of excitement that naturally comes from a best friend who wants to know of the potential love interest of the other friend. Felix recognizes that look as it’s one that he had given to the members many times during any year they thought of or had feelings for someone.
In truth, it isn’t like Felix has anyone in mind…per se. There was a genuine slip up where in the usual context of saying examples like ‘my partner’, ‘they’, ‘she or he’ or ‘whoever’, he specified by just saying ‘he’. Because this was something not said before, and because of his flushed reaction, Felix feels even more nervous as his eyes dart from the faraway bench, to Hyunjin, back to the bench.
“I’m not hiding anything from you.” Felix says simply, and then he sighs. “Can we drop it?”
Hyunjin nods immediately, his expression softening. “Of course. But look, you’re my best friend. If you are ready to tell me anything about anyone, if there is any man…you can always tell me.”
Felix wants to nod and agree, but instead he chuckles, choosing to focus on the last part of his sentence.
“Hyunjin-ah, there is no man-”
The next moment is what only happens in movies. A slow motion cinematic revelation that audiences can feel the spark in as they watch, and Felix doesn’t know why in this particular moment he spots someone in the corner of his eye making his way over to them. His breath cuts short, though he tries his best to let out a slow deep breath that doesn’t indicate anything is wrong. Nothing should be wrong, anyway, because what’s the big deal about one of the guys whose steps are growing closer?
But Felix knows the answer. It’s written in the sudden pickup of his heartbeat.
Because when he turns his head and looks back, he’s staring into the eyes of Chan.
Hyunjin notices that Felix sees something and cranes his neck, casting a glance over his shoulder. He gives a smile. “Oh look, it's Chan!”
Felix gives a faint smile, nodding. “Yeah. It is.”
At least Hyunjin doesn’t suspect anything. At the same time, it’s not like he would suspect anything. The members are all like family to each other, carrying the closest bond of traveling the world together and making memories. They’ve laughed with, cried with, achieved dreams with, and constantly do lives with each other. They’re comfortable, way more than the stiff companionship in the early days. Felix can remember it was just last week, when Han burrowed his toothbrush because he couldn’t find his own (though Felix did find that gross, to be fair).
So there would be no reason to have any reaction to who Felix sees still at the corner of his eye, making a light jog to their direction. He looks at the grass, moving his leg slightly to see the mirrored action of his shadow before the scent of vanilla fills the air and his space.
What’s wrong with me? Felix asks himself in his head. I’m trying to defend my case that there isn’t a man, and all of a sudden Chan walks in at that moment and my heart is beating fast? Why?
“Hey, we need you guys at the house.” Chan catches up to where Felix is standing and Hyunjin is sitting. Felix takes him in. The leader wears flip flops and grey shorts but on top is just a white tank top that Felix can’t even notice as his eyes trail to the golden rays on his shoulders. His hair is long and dark, the strands in front pushed back just slightly through the annoyance of the wind no doubt. Felix knows the feeling and without thinking he subconsciously tucks strands behind his own ears.
“Whyyyyy?” Hyunjin whines aloud, tilting his head to look at Chan from an upside-down angle.
Chan looks down at Felix with a small smile. “We’re going over some of the stuff for tomorrow that we’re filming.”
Hyunjin gives a side-eye. “We’re on a day off. We’ll be filming everything tomorrow.”
Chan smiles, walking over to Hyunjin as he places his hands on his hips. He walks around so that he’s standing in front of him now, and Hyunjin no longer has to tilt his head back.
“Yeah, but it's better today. We all have the time, since we’re not doing anything so…”
Hyunjin lets out an audible groan that drags out for a bit before he slowly gets up. “You’re not understanding the concept of a break.”
At that, Chan smirks, wrapping his arm around Hyunjin’s shoulders. “Break? What’s that?”
Hyunjin mumbles something under his breath about "planned free time" and Chan just throws his head back and laughs, which causes a few heart strings in Felix’s chest to strangely tug. Felix presses a hand over his chest for a second. He’s not sure why he’s doing it or what happens next, but he needs a form of grounding somehow.
“Felix!” Chan’s voice brings him back on the planet. Felix blinks and then looks at Chan, who’s still walking. “Let's go! C’mon!”
Felix nods. “Yeah, yeah. I’m right behind you. Just…one second.”
Felix watches the two as they walk. He’s walking too, but at a slower distance. He tries to not think too much of…whatever he’s feeling, but he can’t help but wonder if there was a reason for the slip-up, and the fact that Chan came right at the moment where Felix was trying to deny if there was any man, like life itself was trying to tell him something.
______________
Felix doesn’t see Chan a lot for the rest of the day. Not because he’s in another room, but because Felix keeps his eyes down.
It starts in the kitchen around dinner time. While the others are cooking, Felix is half-useful, half-out of it. It’s a weird thing, but he can sense his leader’s presence and he tries to pass ingredients to Minho with his eyes to the ground. No one calls him out on it, Felix is still doing his job, but his bodily response is shrinking back at the sound of Chan’s voice talking overhead.
When they eat at the dinner table, Felix averts his attention to Jeongin who’s sitting beside him. Chan is somewhere down the table, and Felix can hear his voice, but he doesn’t look in that direction. It’s not an avoidance, he tells himself, it’s more just not giving the attention to whoever isn’t sitting next to him. If Chan is sitting on the other side of the table, what’s the point of looking over there?
But there are moments, fleeting though present, where Felix can’t help but avert his gaze. Each time it happens, there’s a small tingle in his chest. Everyone is eating, so there really shouldn’t be any big deal of the way Chan reaches over the table, the way that he makes sure those sitting next to him get enough food. There shouldn’t be a big deal on how his throat swallows sips as he drinks his plum juice. Felix clears his throat, sitting up straighter and continues to eat, trying to smile easily at whatever Jeongin tells him.
By the time dinner’s over, Seungmin goes to wash the dishes. The rest of the members stay and chat by the living room and Felix is on his way upstairs to his room, except Seungmin calls him to join. Felix sighs, rolls his eyes, but walks to the kitchen nonetheless.
Roommate habits, after all.
The sink is by the window open to the view of the setting sun over the field. Felix smiles as he walks forward, standing beside Seungmin.
“That is beautiful.”
Seungmin just smiles and nods. He has the stacked plates on the side and takes one plate, opening the faucet. For a minute Felix just looks out. He wants to be there for the sunset, breathing in the deep summer air, listening to the chirping of birds and mooing distant cows. When he stares long enough, Felix can let himself be completely lost, almost forgetting why they’re even here or who they are.
The view is bittersweet, because although Felix is so grateful for what has brought them here to this place, he knows that they aren’t here for forever. They aren’t even here for a week.
“Felix.”
Felix blinks and looks over at Seungmin. A washed dish is in his hand, and no doubt water is running through the sleeve of his long sleeved shirt. He hands the dish over. “Dry.”
“Oh. Sorry.”
Felix flashes a small smile and takes the wet plate, grabbing a towel with his other hand. From the corner of his eye he can see Seungmin staring at him as he continues washing the next dish. Felix chuckles, bumping his hip against Seungmin’s, causing him to lose his footing for a second.
“Why’d you do that?”
“Because you were looking at me. Why were you looking at me?” Felix says with a laugh. He holds his hand out for the next plate and starts to dry that one as well.
Seungmin hands Felix the plate over and shrugs. “I don’t know. You look tired.”
Felix is grateful that Seungmin is one of those people that voice out their observations instead of letting the person draw them out themselves. It makes Felix feel less backed against a wall, and he sees the easy way out to just agree.
“Yeah, I am tired.”
Hyunjin would push, just like he did when they were outside. Minho would do the same, to the point where Felix would give him something to work with so he could back off, even if Felix was lying about his emotions. Jeongin would try to suppress his worry if he sensed Felix was off, but put on a front, yet would come visit him with his favorite snacks ‘by coincidence’. Han would actually be there to listen, which would make Felix speak but without thinking. Changbin would observe Felix’s state but not say anything. And Chan…
Chan would do everything in his power to be anything Felix would want him to be. Whether his safe space, or his protector. Chan would be attentive. Chan would see him.
“You should sleep then.”
Felix blinks his eyes twice before he snaps out of it, looking over at Seungmin who’s eyeing him with a look that silently questions.
“Go upstairs, I'll get Changbin-”
“No.” Felix interrupts, drying the plate once more. “I can do it. It’s not- well, I’m not just tired. I just…” Felix furrows his eyebrows and pauses, trying to word everything.
“I'm maybe a bit…homesick.” He finally says.
That isn't particularly a lie, though. Felix has been thinking about home. For some time it was Sydney for a bit, and then just the comfort of his own bed in Seoul. They’ve been touring for so long and while it’s his biggest dream being fulfilled, seeing the crowd of stay cheering them on, performing at stadiums they’ve dreamed about, sometimes it can get a bit overwhelming.
There’s a bit of silence now in the kitchen, and Seungmin looks out the window as he thinks. Felix watches to see what his reaction will be, waiting for anything. Eventually after a few long seconds fly by, Seungmin takes a deep breath and nods.
“I get the feeling. But we just have the rest of this month of these shows, and then soon we go back home for a little over a week.” He says with a small smile.
“You're right.” Felix says, reaching out to take another plate for himself. He smiles though he knows it’s without effort and it barely travels his eyes.
The roommates eventually get through all the dishes and when it's all over, Felix leaves the kitchen and treads up the stairs. He's been thinking about laying down on the bed in the room he chose. The sky grows darker, and where Felix lies in his bed he can directly face the window and see a bright moon. Its orange-reddish tint resembles a harvest moon and Felix reaches for his phone, taking pictures. It’s a reflex that’s therapeutic.
Because his door is half-way open, Felix can still hear some of the guys downstairs. He doesn’t know exactly what they’re saying, but there’s occasional laughter, and shouts over a video being played on speaker. Felix can’t help but smile, letting his eyes close.
Felix remembers his mother used to tell him that when he was a baby he could actually be put to sleep better with noise as opposed to silence. Even if Felix didn’t remember that, he knows that it’d be true. There’d be many nights in the past when they used to all live together, where Felix would feel all snug just because. He didn’t even have to physically be on the same floor as the members, but knowing that they were downstairs, hearing the loud conversations and warmth in the air, it would make Felix feel safe, like he can doze off then.
It doesn’t happen as much, not with the hectic schedules and two-unit dorms. Of course, adding touring in the mix too, and each of them get their own hotel rooms. Now, days where it’s after a PT session and Felix can only count the ceiling tiles a million times, he finds solace in Animal Crossing background music, depressing slowed and reverb instrumentals that make people question if he’s okay, or more lighthearted options like endless Tiktok scrolling if he needs a laugh, or sending healing messages to Stays on Bubble.
But when the night goes even later and Felix hasn’t fallen asleep yet, that’s when he knows he needs a presence. Years ago when they first debuted, it needed to be all the members in the same room all the time. There’s not that intense need anymore. But Felix can admit that he likes the one-on-ones, a night with a member where there doesn’t even have to be anything planned but together nonetheless.
Like that night in LA when Felix went to Chan’s room.
Felix couldn’t get why, even though there was somewhere deep within him that understood. Chan was his refuge. Felix had established that long ago. He also was, the state of calm, like a hum of waves at first light on a beach. Without trying or doing anything, just being with Chan those late hours of the night, presented Felix with a peace that could only come from lazy summers in Sydney.
The best part was, Felix knew Chan understood that. They both came from the same town and even though this journey is what they want, love, and continually pursue, sometimes there’d need to be a sense of shelter carried in them.
Felix sometimes wondered if the rest of the members felt a sense of longing for home, despite being born or growing up in South Korea. He wonders if that’s what sets him apart, or why he feels steadier having Chan by his side when those reminiscent yearnings come to play. Perhaps they do feel homesick. Of course, Felix knows the members miss their parents and families, but for holidays or when they actually have downtime, they can visit them anytime. For Felix, it isn’t like that.
Maybe that’s why he’s so drawn to Chan’s presence.
The members are still talking downstairs as Felix looks away from the moon, rolling to the side on his bed so he can rest. He’s not sure if sleep will take him just yet or if he’ll rest his eyes but he inhales and exhales for an equal five seconds, giving himself comfort regardless.
Though the comfort doesn’t last for so long as Felix starts to hear slow ascending footsteps. He recognizes who it is immediately (perks of knowing the guys so well they can tell whose footsteps are whose).
Felix opens his eyes and blinks, lifting his head up slightly though trying not to be caught looking. Through the slightly ajar door, Felix sees the backside of Chan, walking down the hallway and to the room that’s directly across from Felix. His door remains open and Felix can’t help but feel curious, as his eyes never look away.
Chan appears and reappears in view every few seconds, but with clothes in his hands and Felix then realizes he’s unpacking and folding. Making his organized creepy ritual thing all of the members can attest is strange, but for Felix it’s sort of…cute?
Felix is still as he peers, but his body aches from being on his side so he quietly switches positions, laying on his stomach instead. His chin rests on his pillow and he continues to watch as Chan holds up a black tank top in the air in front of him for a few seconds before he sets it down on the bed. Every so often he mumbles to himself, stands up straight and looks around in lost-thought, and then walks out of view before returning with another relevant article of clothing. So far Felix sees his shirts arranged where there’s tank tops, and then t-shirts, going from black, to grey, to blue, to lighter blue, and then eventually white.
If it was months ago, Felix would probably call him by now. He’d probably throw a teasing mark about Chan’s psychotic living style before rolling to the other side, leaving him there. But it’s not the case right now. Even if Felix wanted to…he couldn’t. He's seeing this side of Chan in real time, for the first time in a while and it's…pretty endearing to say the least. He likes seeing the confused look on Chan’s face whenever he would look back and forth between colors. Felix likes the fact that Chan takes a few steps backwards to marvel at the organized stacks in front of him. He likes seeing the dedication, where even on a mini-vacation like this, Chan needs to have some order placed, even if it's in the comforts of his own room.
And then Felix counts the looks.
It's bare-faced Chan, hair long and slightly messy, the strands that fall on his face each time he bends down to take something out of his suitcase only to be raked back whenever he fully stands up. It's his chain necklace that shines even from across the hallway. It's the white tank top that compliments the fairness of his skin, and highlights the broad shoulders. It's his arms and veins and muscles and pecs, features that Felix envies or enjoys- whichever one works for the day.
It's just Chan, and yet somehow Felix finds it hard to breathe.
So he does end up turning back around to face the side of the wall. He does choose to close his eyes, and more than anything he wishes that he can sleep.
But all he can see is Chan, like a hum of waves across the shore.
—-------------------