Archive of Our Own

It was the middle of July, the weather was so hot that the sweat dried immediately on your skin, when Andrew dreamed of him for the first time.

He had dreams about him before, but none of them had been quite like this. Usually when Andrew dreamed of him, their lives were at stake, blood was dripping from skulls and there was so much violence and pleading. It was terrifying. It was unbearable.

But when he dreamed of him this time, there was only warm sun light, a carefree laugher casted away in the wind and the bitter sweetness of knowing that it wasn’t real.

When Andrew dreamed of Aaron like that for the first time, he woke up with a startle.

In a way it was worse than a nightmare, at least there Andrew had the control to save Aaron. At least in a nightmare Andrew knew that they had survived it.

But a dream like that?

It could be reality. He could have had all of that a long time ago, but somewhere along the way he had lost Aaron.

Lost wasn’t the right word thought. Stuck. Hanging on. Those words might fit better.

They were hanging on to the ruins of their relationship and neither of them had the strength to pull them up. But they were also both stubborn enough to not crawl to safety on their own either. If it had to be, they would always choose to stay in danger then leave and crawl to safety on their own. It wasn’t in their design to leave the other alone.

It was courageous. It was stupid.

And yet, somehow Andrew had managed to shimmy further away from Aaron. He had thought, that if Aaron realized he didn’t need him, he would choose his own safety over protecting his twin.

Andrew had thought that Aaron was the wiser of them both. God, he was a pre-med student, shouldn’t he know better? Shouldn’t Aaron know when to cut off dead flesh? Shouldn’t Aaron know that it was hopeless to save something that had died a long time ago?

But Aaron had stayed, had even started to search the edge just to find a glimpse of Andrew. If Andrew wasn’t careful his brother would fall to his own demise in the search for him. A tragedy Andrew wouldn’t be able to face. A tragedy Andrew couldn’t bear be the reason for.

Andrew couldn’t let that happen to him. That couldn’t be Aaron’s fate. Aaron was the one who should get out of this unscathed. He deserved to survive this unhealthy codependency. Aaron deserved, for once in his life to experience love and peace.

But was Andrew a bad brother for putting Aaron on a pedestal? Was he a bad brother because he kept Aaron so far away from him and still craved him like a terrible idea? Was he destroying their carefully threaded knot in hopes that he wouldn’t get hurt by the Aaron he had always wanted to get to know?
If Andrew could choose he would never let go of Aaron, but for that he would need to take his hand first.

Was he brave enough to do that? Could he crawl back to hang beside Aaron at the same edge? Was he strong enough to let go for the possibility of holding Aaron?
Andrew didn’t know and it scared him half to death.

This helplessness was lacing his throat, making it harder for him to breathe.
He disentangled himself from the clammy motel blanket and robbed over to the window. With shaking hands he opened it and took in the early morning sun over the hills. The fresh air hit his face, giving him some kind of fake solace.

They had driven the entire night out into a small town near Charleston. They had taken turns driving, but eventually Neil’s eyes had become heavy and Andrew had sought out a place for them to sleep.

He had let Neil kiss down his neck when they stumbled to the bed, but once Neil’s head had hit the pillow he had been out like a candle.

Sometimes Andrew wished he could find sleep as easily as him, but he feared he was just like his brother. Insomniac tendencies.

He was just better at not letting it get so bad. And it helped to have Neil beside him, most nights at least.

But even Neil couldn’t keep him safe from wishful thinking. Even when it was partly his own doing that the twins had started joined therapy sessions, which resolved in them piecing back together the puzzle of their relationship. This, however, was something only Andrew had control over.

His mind, at last, was his own prison.

A cold breeze blew through the open window, caught Andrew’s hair, swizzling it around, and brought the scent of the near by trees inside. Andrew reached for his jacket at the end of the bed, he wasn’t actually freezing but it was nice to wrap the soft fabric around himself anyway.

In his pocket he found his lighter, he took it out and fiddled it between his fingers. The ripples of the engraved burning rose was as familiar as the scares on his arms. He wanted to smoke, but he couldn’t when his mind was clouded with thoughts of Aaron.

The almost disappointed downward pull of his lips when he saw Andrew lighting a cigarette was like thousand knives to his heart. He knew that he should quit, but a broken man wasn’t broken without a vice. Not really at least.

But he should quit, for Aaron, for a chance of approval. He didn’t want to change for Aaron, didn’t want to be liked by him only when he appealed to him, but he kind of owned it to him and himself. He wanted to be a better man. He wanted to be a man that could be liked. Not by all, but at least by the people who were important to him. Because what kind of person would he be if his own brother couldn’t look him in the face?

Not the kind he would want to meet. Definitely not the kind who should date Neil.

He wanted to change because he wanted to and he wanted to stay the same because people should like him for himself. But perhaps both of these things weren’t mutually exclusive. Perhaps he could have both.

A swarm of birds flew by and Andrew wondered what Aaron was doing. He was probably still asleep, curled up on his side, unmoving under his two blankets, that he always used. Even in the heights of summer.

His frail body never seemed to warm up. When Andrew slept next to him, Aaron would draw closer to him in his sleep, as if his unconscious body was seeking out Andrew’s warmth.

Sometimes Andrew wished he could reach out to him and pull him in closer, but he couldn’t. So he had to lay there and watch him shiver.

Aaron ran cooler than anyone Andrew had ever known. Aaron had once mumbled something about low blood circulation to him when he had been drunk off of his mind.

“Don’t take drugs kids, it will fuck you up for the rest of your life.” He had tried to joke, but he had fallen on deaf ears.

Andrew didn’t like to joke about Aaron’s past or the horrible things Aaron’s mother had put him through. But even less did he like it when Aaron was doing it, while hanging over the toilet drool and vomit on his face and tears, staining his cheeks.

Andrew remembered that particular night as if it was burned into the back of his mind. He remembered how he had held back Aaron’s hair, how he had rubbed slow circles into his back.

It had been long before Neil, maybe a few months after Kevin had joined them. Nicky hadn’t been stable enough to tend to Aaron so Andrew had taken over his duty.

It had almost been too much for Andrew. Aaron hated throwing up, just as much as Andrew did, so he had cried for hours and when he had finally emptied his stomach he had begged Andrew to let him sleep in his room. And like the coward he was, Andrew had cleaned Aaron’s face and led him to his room, tucking him into his bed right next to himself.

Afterwards he hadn’t been able to look into Aaron’s eyes for weeks. His skin had burned whenever he got too close to the real Aaron, the Aaron that had so many facets, so many layers, that Andrew got scared to uncover them all. Because what if the real Aaron hated him? What if the real Aaron deemed him as unworthy?

It was safer for Andrew and his heart to not get too close to Aaron. He had to keep him an arms length away at all times.

The version of Aaron he had created, might not like him but at least that version would have had a chance of cutting ties with all of this. If only Aaron had done that, but he so stubbornly held onto Andrew even without ever really doing so. Because Andrew refused to let him.

Andrew had created a version of himself that was supposed to be easy for Aaron to stay away from.

Minyard stubbornness.

Andrew should have know that it wouldn’t work. Instead he had hurt Aaron even more in the process. The echo of Aaron’s broken voice, declaring that he knew that Andrew hated him still ran through him, bone deep.

Next to him on the bed Neil steered awake. He went through the same motions he always did. He stretched his limbs and yawned soundly. There was the familiar rustling of fabric, two taps on the mattress. Andrew didn’t turn around. Neil would notice him soon enough.

More rustling then, quietly: “Morning.”

Andrew didn’t answer him. It wasn’t that Andrew didn’t want to, but more that he couldn’t. His tongue was heavy like lead. It costed him more strength than he liked to admit to pull it down from the top of his mouth and by the time he could answer Neil had already moved on, not paying any mind to his silence.

“What are you thinking about?” Neil asked as he crawled over to him.

“Nothing.” Andrew mumbled and watched him through lidded eyes.

“That’s not the face you make when you think about nothing.” Neil ginned cheekily and winked.

Andrew turned away from him.

“I was thinking about Aaron.”

Neil didn’t say anything, he just sat down opposite him and stared out of the window too.

The wind blew his auburn curls around, making them bounce around his head.
If it were any other day, Andrew might have reached over and sunk his fingers into the copper mess.

But it wasn’t. It was burning cities and deep gorges. And he shouldn’t try to distract himself with Neil, even if it would be so easy. Neither of them deserve that kind of treatment.

“Good or bad?” Neil asked at last.

“The judges are still deciding on that.”

Neil hummed.

“Nightmare?”

“No.”

“We can drive back if you want to.” Neil said eventually.

Andrew hummed. He knew that they could and if it was anything other than his mind playing with him, he might have taken Neil’s offer.

But Andrew didn’t want to miss out on this road trip. He didn’t want to cut it short because of his stupid setbacks. They were on the road for a couple of weeks now and it made him giddy sitting next to Neil in the car.

Neil liked to let the engine howl and speed past summer fields. Andrew liked looking at the sparks in Neil’s eyes and the grin on his face. When they switched places, Andrew maneuvered them through cities and Neil pulled the seat back, laying his feet on the dash and babbling about everything and nothing.

Andrew wanted this. He didn’t want to drive back to Columbia.

“That’s not what I want.” Andrew answered him with a delay.

“But is it want you need?”

What he needed was Aaron’s heart tethered to his own, chamber to chamber. What he needed was Aaron so close to him despite all the reasons not to.

What he said, was: “I need a black coffee.”

“You don’t drink your coffee like that.” Neil paused, then he gasped almost inaudible. It would have been comical if Andrew wasn’t so depressed.

They both knew who liked to drink his coffee like that, he didn’t have to explain.

“I’ll get you one.” Neil said at last, already getting up. In yesterday’s clothes he left the room, probably to raid the coffee machine in the entrance hall.

The coffee would probably be watery anyway and would taste nothing how Aaron liked his. Bitter and aromatic. It was almost ironic how much their coffee orders differed.

Andrew pulled his legs up and laid his head on his knees, so that he could watch both the window and the door.

He wasn’t sure why he wanted the coffee, maybe it was a pathetic attempt to imagine that Aaron was here. Or maybe Andrew just wanted to torture himself. But both things could be true, with Aaron they usually were.
It didn’t take long before the door opened again and Neil was back.

“Here.” He placed the cup of coffee on the window sill and next to it two packs of sugar. “In case you change your mind.”

Andrew nodded a quick thank you and watched the steam of the coffee slowly dance upwards in the breeze.

The scent swapped over him and for a moment he thought he would choke on it. It smelled so much like Aaron’s bedroom, it was almost unbearable. But hadn’t this been the exact reason why Andrew had wanted the coffee? Hadn’t he wanted a part of Aaron close to him? If not physically then at least metaphorically.

“I also went and got a few things from the snack machine. Nothing fancy, but they had your favourite granola bars.”

Neil placed a chocolate and cookie dough granola bars next to the coffee.

For himself Neil had gotten a simple cereal granola bar, plain and boring. Andrew blinked and looked away.

“Where do you want to drive to next?”

“Wherever the road takes us.”

Neil hummed softly.

“Are we still going to the beach?”

“Sure, it’s why we came here after all.”

They finished their breakfast and changed their clothes before they checked out of the motel and Neil drove the Maserati east.

He took a detour, driving them around the city until they finally reached the shore.
Andrew followed Neil down to the beach, watched as he closed his eyes and breathed in the dry salt air.

Andrew wished he could be so at peace, but his mind was still drifting off when he wasn’t careful. He was still thinking about Aaron and the last fight they had. He knew that they had resolved it but Andrew was still disappointed in himself.

He shouldn’t have provoked Aaron just to get a reaction. It had been the wrong thing to do. But it was the only way Andrew knew how to get to Aaron. The only way he knew how to push his buttons and get him to talk.

But Betsy was right, it wasn’t normal. None of it and they should be able to talk like normal brothers. But that was the point, they weren’t normal brothers.

“You’re thinking too loud.” Neil said, cracking his eyes open and looking at him.

Andrew huffed. “And what am I thinking about?”

“Still Aaron.” Neil smiled, a bit crooked but still so true. “You know, you could just call him and make sure that he’s okay.”

Neil, however, was wrong about that. He couldn’t just call Aaron.

They had texted each other over the past weeks, checked in, asked mundane questions. Aaron often wanted to know where they currently were. Andrew always texted back as fast as he could, not wanting to worry his brother. But he couldn’t bring himself to call.

It was cowardly, because Andrew desperately wanted to hear Aaron’s voice, to make sure that he was really doing okay, somehow not trusting his messages, but he wasn’t allowing it himself. Somehow he had gotten it in his mind that he was only worthy of hearing Aaron’s voice if his brother would call him first, would choose him.

But Aaron didn’t call, so Andrew was cursed to stare at his phone, waiting for the next text message.

“I don’t think he would pick up. He has some sort of phone call phobia.”

“Must lie in the family.”

Andrew shoved Neil playfully. “At least I pick up.”

“Only when you feel like it.” Neil shoved back at him, but Andrew simply took his arm and pulled Neil close to his chest.

“Don’t act like you’re any better.” He muttered into the space between them.

“This okay?” Neil asked, his hands hovering over Andrew’s waist.

He nodded and Neil closed the distance. His skin prickled with excitement, his stupid body was so addicted to every single one of Neil’s little touches.

Andrew pushed even closer into Neil’s space. He couldn’t wait for the day his mind would catch up with his body and he wouldn’t need to ask for every little consent. He couldn’t wait to be able to give out comfort like this to Aaron.

Andrew groaned.

“What?” Neil asked.

“My mind just won’t shut up.”

“Want me to try something?”

Andrew breathed out slowly, he was almost sure where this was going.

“Yes or no?”

His consent was the quietest yes, hushed between them before Neil gently pressed his lips to Andrew’s. Immediately it was all Neil’s lips, breaths and touches that consumed Andrew’s mind. No more worries. No more distractions. Only Neil.

A bigger sap would have sighed into the kiss.
Andrew knew this was cheating, that he had promised Betsy he wouldn’t find distractions when his thoughts got too much. That he would be better than that.

“How’s your mind now?” Neil asked, cheekily when he pulled away.

“Hm, I don’t know. I think I need a second try to be sure.”

But it was helping and Andrew was a beggar to his own vices. So he welcomed the touch of Neil’s lips as if it was his life line.

—

They didn’t stay long in Charleston, two nights at most, before they drove further upstate.

At first Neil drove most of the way, then they switched back to their old pattern. Andrew behind the wheel and Neil on the passenger side, replacing the radio with his smart mouth and wild thoughts. The humming of the engine gave Andrew the illusion that he was in control, at least over a very small part of his life.

Andrew would have almost let go of his Aaron induced downward spiral, if it hadn’t been for the text messages Kevin sent him when they were not too far from New York. For the last miles Andrew had switched seats with Neil again, so that he could rest a bit. So he had gotten his phone out and there he had found the messages already waiting for him. At first glance they looked painstakingly normal, but Andrew knew Kevin and he knew when he was anxiety ridden.

The first sign was that Kevin had sent him the messages at four am. Despite Kevin’s habits of staying awake for far longer than he should, even that was a time way past his bedtime. The second thing was how he had worded his questions.

“Do you think Aaron would enjoy visiting a museum outside the city?”
Followed by another message that read: “with me?”

As if that hadn’t been obvious. But what was so peculiar about the messages, was that Kevin’s question almost sounded like he was asking for Andrew’s permission to take his brother to a museum trip. It felt as if he was pleading.

Andrew was almost willed to answer: “I’m not my brother, shouldn’t you ask him this?” but then decided against it.

He had to be careful. When Kevin was asking him something like this than it had meaning. The meaning, however, evaded Andrew through the phone screen, which made him restless.

What was going on in Columbia? What was going on with Aaron?

But Aaron’s messages were normal. Which meant nothing, Aaron was good at sounding normal over text. He had perfected the art of sounding completely neutral and distant when texting someone. His Messamtes sometimes read like medical reports, short and to the point.

This time it was only Kevin, who acted weirdly. And it was eating Andrew alive, wanting to know why.

A: what kind of museum?

K: natural history

A: does it have a deep sea section?

K: the biggest in the area

Then Kevin sent him the link to the museum’s website. Andrew clicked through it, looked at the different exhibits they had and especially the deep sea one. He gave Kevin the thumbs up afterwards. It did look like something Aaron would enjoy.

A: is something with Aaron?

Andrew texted after a while, when he still couldn’t piece together what this was about. He knew from experience that Kevin wouldn’t tell him if he wasn’t straightforward with him.

K: no

K: just a bit sad, maybe

K: he wouldn’t tell you but he misses you

K: and Nicky

K: I thought he might like the distraction

Andrew narrowed his eyes at his phone. Kevin wasn’t much of a sending multiple text messages in a row person. The most he did were two and only when he was nervous or agitated.

But the content of the messages wasn’t less worrying.

Aaron missed Andrew. Aaron missed him. He missed Andrew. He missed him.

A small part of his heart echoed, I miss him too.

Andrew wished things were easier. He wished he wasn’t Aaron’s brother. Wrong, he wished he could be a better brother. He wished he could be a better brother to Aaron. He wished he could be the brother Aaron wanted.

Because he couldn’t not be Aaron’s brother, no matter how hard he tried. It was like carvings in a wall, an ancient prophecy. It was written in the stars, held together by time and fate. Aaron was his other side, his missing part, only with him was he ever complete.

Not in the cliche, kitschy kind of way. No, there was a reason why they were twins and not just brothers. They were both made out of the same impossible stuff. They were forces that could not be destroyed. They were the reason why the other had survived their abuser. They were judge and hangman, going hand in hand.

So when Aaron missed him, obviously Andrew missed him too. Andrew missed Aaron. Andrew missed him. He missed Aaron. He missed him.

Andrew wondered if Aaron knew that. And if not then how could he let him know?

But since neither of them were good with words he only had Kevin and his planned distraction.

A: buy him ice cream or something from the gift shop.

Andrew texted back, knowing Kevin, he wouldn’t if he wasn’t reminded that most people weren’t machines.

But just like that Andrew was back thinking about Aaron. He showed Neil the messages but he only huffed.

“You know Aaron. He’s probably subduing his emotions by being quiet and Kevin doesn’t know any better than to worry.”

Andrew, however, was sure, that it wasn’t that. Andrew knew. He couldn’t tell Neil why, he just simply knew.

If they were anyone else and if Andrew knew how to be Aaron’s brother, without hurting either of them, then he might have texted Aaron. But he didn’t yet know how to be vulnerable around him. He didn’t yet know how to make his concern sound genuine and not like a command.

So he was stuck, hoping that Kevin knew what he was doing.

That night they arrived in New York, the only big city on their road trip plan.
They stumbled into their hotel room, exhausted from the long drive, but Neil still had enough energy to ramble on about an Exy game he had watched earlier when they had left Charleston.

It was endearing and maybe Andrew even welcomed the distraction. That was until even Neil couldn’t keep the steady word flow coming and he drifted off into a quiet sleep. Andrew almost envied him for it, but after long hours of tossing and turning even Andrew fell asleep, dreaming of a reality that was so painstakingly like his and yet nothing alike.

The next day they strolled through the city, Neil wanted to go sightseeing and Andrew went everywhere he did.

At night they found themselves in a gay bar because Neil had claimed he wanted to see a “real one”. Andrew had rolled his eyes but still indulged in Neil’s desire and only maybe he had even liked it. Neil looked so much more at ease these days and it really showed under the colourful lights that bounced around them, illuminating Neil in a soft rainbow.

He said something, throwing his head to the side and laughed. Andrew wanted to bottle up the sound and put it on the shelf right next to Aaron’s little spluttered giggles he only let out when he thought no one was around to hear him. The ones that had escaped him more often in the first weeks they had lived together, but not so much these days. Maybe Andrew missed the giggles too.

They order shots and Neil drank a few before he switched back to soda and Andrew let him lead him onto the dance floor. It was so against his principles but it was freeing and it was good. And for a moment he forgot who he was supposed to be. For a moment he was just Andrew, holding Neil by his waist pressing their bodies together to the sugaring sounds of the club music.

When Neil leaned in and asked “yes or no” Andrew only half nodded before his lips had already caught Neil’s.

It felt electric, like he was floating on a high and perhaps he was.
They kissed and danced and then stumbled back to the bar.

After a few more shots and the fifth tattoo shop on their way back to their hotel, the idea of a tattoo wasn’t so bad anymore. Neil was immediately on board with it, pulling him through the open door of a 24 hour tattoo shop.
In a reckless decision, Andrew got a tattoo of Aaron’s birthday. His birthday. Their birthday.

It was corny and so unlike him. But it was his truth at its core. It was all he couldn’t say bare one his skin. The needle burned him. Burned through him and it made him feel alive. And somehow connected to Aaron. Because the tattoo rested on the same hipbone Aaron’s tattoo did.

Later that night he let Neil fuck him into the hotel’s cheap mattress. Because he still felt angled and uncomfortable in his own skin. It took him a while until the lingering feeling of the stranger’s hands were replaced by Neil’s loving touches. But Andrew didn’t do regret, so he didn’t let his mind linger on it in the sweat inducing summer night.

Instead his mind slipped to Aaron. Sweet Aaron. What would he think of the tattoo? Would he be surprised? Would he like it? Had Andrew done it for Aaron? Or for himself? Would Aaron be ashamed? Was Andrew ashamed?

He turned over, tried to listen to Neil’s mumbled words he huffed out in his sleep.
But his mind was still racing. It was all too much. It was suddenly all too much.

He got out of the bed, slipped into a shirt and sweats and creeped out of the room. He followed the long hallways down to the stairwell and then onto the fire escape. He lit a cigarette but didn’t smoke it. Somehow the thoughts of Aaron kept him from doing it. The way Aaron pushed his upper lip out and flared his nose when he caught Andrew taking a drag, was all he could think of. He was sure Aaron thought that he was subtle on displaying his disgust but Andrew read him like an open book.

Sweet Aaron, always so careful not to carry his heart on his sleeve. And yet always failing somehow, because his heart was too big to be contained by his chest.

Andrew should have told him. But he couldn’t. He had told Bee and his journal, but not Aaron. And that was what he got for not being truthful.
He should have told Aaron, that only one word, one command, and he would devote his entire life to him. That he was already doing it.

The irony didn’t evade him, because just weeks ago he had told Aaron that he shouldn’t build his life around Andrew, and here he was doing the exact same thing. Aaron had him in the palm of his hand, if that was where he wanted him to be.

He should have told Aaron that he loved him. Andrew wasn’t one to declared his affection so openly like that, but he knew how much Aaron needed actual, spoken proof to understand sometimes. So for Aaron he should have said it.

He should have hugged him and promised him that he was coming back. That he would always come back to him.

But he couldn’t be vulnerable like that. Not yet at least. Not like that.

Because Andrew remembered a night, Aaron and him pressed together in the bathroom tube, Aaron’s eyes scanning every inch of his scar ridden arms and their breaths on each other’s heated faces. Andrew had been vulnerable then. In that moment he would have given Aaron everything, but Aaron had been unaware of it. He was still searching for the line in the sand that Andrew hadn’t drawn.

Brotherhood wasn’t a deal you could make and having a brother was a complicated thing. It would always be complicated, despite all the love. Or maybe because of it.

He heard the window open behind him and the familiar tap of Neil’s footsteps. Soon the younger leaned next to him on the railing, looking down onto the busy streets of New York.

“How did you know I was here?” Andrew asked.

Neil shrugged his shoulders and took the cigarette out of his hands, but he didn’t take a drag either. He just held it between his fingers.

“Fire escapes are usually a safe way to flee a place.”

Andrew glanced towards him.

“I’m not running away. I’m not you, rabbit.”

“They are also a good hiding spot.” Neil grinned.

“Not doing that either.”

“Denial doesn’t look good on you, Andrew.”

He exhaled sharply.

“A big mouth doesn’t suit you either and yet you can’t shut up.”

“Lying, are we now?” Neil leaned in closer to him, his voice going softer with it. “We both know that you like it when I smart mouth everyone.”

He didn’t argue with him, instead he watched the cigarette burn down to the filter. Neil stubbed it out against the railing and then let it fall to the ground.

“What did Aaron make you promise him?” Andrew asked when he couldn’t see the orange paper anymore.

“That I look out for you.”

“He made me promise him the same thing.” Andrew huffed. “I had to promise him I wouldn’t even get so much as a scratch on myself.”

“He’s worrying about you.”

“It’s the nightmares.” Andrew answered.

Neil did a mindless gesture with his hand, seemingly not convinced of that. Deep down Andrew knew that the nightmares were a symptom and not the cause, but he didn’t like to think about what that meant.

“Am I a bad brother?”

“I don’t think you are a bad brother, neither is Aaron.” Neil answered truthfully, looking over at him. The rising sun peaked between the skyscrapers and was caught by his auburn hair, illuminating him in a lovely light. “Both of you are just bad at recognizing how deeply you care for one another.”

Which wasn’t exactly true. Andrew knew how much he loved Aaron and he also knew how much Aaron loved him in return. He just wished it wasn’t like that sometimes, so that Aaron would have never gotten hurt by this.

When it came down to it, Andrew wasn’t much different from Aaron. Not because they were identical twins, destined to always look like the other. No, on the inside Andrew was the same desperate child, he saw in Aaron, clinging to his brother’s shirt sleeve. If only Aaron would notice, if only Aaron would turn around and take his hand.

When it came down to it, Andrew just wanted to be loved by Aaron.

“It’s not that I don’t know that Aaron loves me, I’m afraid of what that means.”

It would mean that Aaron loved him despite all his flaws. It would mean that Aaron had forgiven him, or was forgiving him, for all the hurt he had inflicted on him.

Andrew wasn’t sure if he was ready for that. Andrew wasn’t sure if he could be the brother Aaron wanted. But perhaps Aaron had never cared about what kind of brother he was and more about that he would have a brother in the first place. Andrew wanted a brother too. He wanted Aaron to be his brother so bad, but was he worthy of such love?

“The way I see it is, that you can’t be without the other, but you haven’t found a way to be together yet.”

And wasn’t that just tragic? They spent all this time running towards each other without ever getting closer together.

“Minyard stubbornness.” Andrew sighed.

“I don’t think it’s necessarily stubbornness. If it were that, you would be joined at the hip by now.”

Andrew huffed, slowly he turned around and leaned back against the railing, looking up the fire escape. There were another six or seven floors above them, leading up to the roof. The red metal frame sparkled dangerously in the sun light.

“Remember when I gave you the key?”

Neil made an affirmative noise.

“Aaron, did something similar for me.”

“He gave you a key?”

“No, a name.” Andrew clarified. “He was the first person who made me feel like I belong. I don’t know if he knows that.”

“You should tell him.” Neil came closer to him. Andrew could feel his body heat even when he wasn’t touching him. “I’m sure it would mean a lot to him. His head is filled with too many medical terms, it’ll probably be beneficial for him to have something else in there.”

Andrew huffed and turned his head, his nose brushed against Neil’s curls and he breathed in his familiar scent. Dollar store shampoo and citrus.
Andrew lingered in the stillness of the moment for a bit longer before he whispered:

“For someone who doesn’t believe in therapy you’re talking an awful lot like a therapist.”

“Maybe that’s why I hate it so much, because I’m so self aware.” Neil laughed.

Andrew rolled his eyes. “I think that’s exactly your problem. You have a too big of a mouth.”

Neil sighed a little laugh, but before he could say anything Andrew interrupted him.

“Don’t ruin the moment.”

“I wasn’t going to.”

Andrew leaned in even further and pressed the next words almost right to Neil’s ear.

“I know you, Neil.”

—

They hit the road the next day. Neil was behind the wheel while Andrew had pulled back his seat enough for him to put his feet comfortably on the dash. His plan was to catch a few more hours of sleep before they arrived at their next destination.

They drove further upstate, Neil wanted to see if they could reach Canada before they would return to Columbia again.

Neil had turned on one of those spots radio stations and now the music was interrupted by the steady stream of sports analysis from experts. Andrew dozed off a few times but he could never fully fall asleep.
Half way to Maine, he gave up and texted Bee.

A: haven’t crashed the car yet

B: good! :)
B: I hope you’re having fun.

A: sure, it’s good
A: why is it so hard to talk to someone you love?

B: because of the expectations.

A: I don’t expect anything.

B: I wasn’t talking about your expectations of him. I was talking about the ones you have of yourself.

A: how do you know it’s a him?

B: Andrew, how long do I know you now? Am I correct to assume this is about Aaron?

A: …yeah.

Sometimes he really hated Bee and how well she knew him.

A: he hasn’t called.

B: have you called him?

A: no

B: you know communication is a two way road. If you want to talk to him, call him. Don’t wait in hopes that Aaron can read your mind over text.

A: if it’s a two way road why can’t he just call?

B: have you ever thought that maybe Aaron is going through the same mind carrousel as you are right now and is waiting for you to call first?

A: sounds like him

B: call him, Andrew.

Unfortunately, that was easier said than done. It was plausible that Aaron was just as desperately for a call from him than Andrew was for a call from Aaron. But Andrew couldn’t be sure and his brain rotted away thinking it over each time he looked at Aaron’s contact. If only Aaron wasn’t such a frightened baby deer, hopelessly searching for love but also so, so afraid when it was offered to him.

But Andrew wasn’t faring off any better. He had so much love to give and yet he hid it away from the world. They were two puzzle pieces that fit perfectly together if only they would ever face each other with the correct sides.
Andrew sighed and stashed his phone in the glove box.

“Aaron?” Neil guessed.

“No, Bee.”

“But you were talking about Aaron.”

It was not a question so Andrew saw no use in affirming it.

“He makes me do all the things I swore off. And I hate it.”

“No, you don’t.”

No, he didn’t. Which, arguably, was even more terrifying. For Aaron Andrew wanted to be the bestest person to ever exist. For Aaron he would bend over backwards, break both his legs and dig his own grave.
So, of course, he would call Aaron. He just had to find a good reason he could present Aaron as to why he called.

“I want to make sure you are alright” wasn’t something Andrew could all so casually tell Aaron over the phone. It was already hard admitting it to himself.

Andrew switched the radio station and through the speakers the second verse of “Sugar, we’re goin down” sounded. That used to be Aaron favourite song in high school. He had it on his mp3 player and would loop it on their bus rides to school. Andrew knew that because Aaron used to share his headphones with him even though Nicky had made sure that Andrew had his own mp3 player.

But even back then Andrew had already thought that it was endearing that Aaron had wanted to share with him. Besides, their music taste had been very similar so Andrew had never minded listening to Fall Out Boy. And he didn’t mind now, he really didn’t, but he guessed it made him sad. No, the right word was probably nostalgic.

He disliked that feeling almost as much as resentment. Nostalgia was good for nothing. It only made you romanticize bad times. But he supposed he was only ever nostalgic about the time he moved to Columbia, sugar highs while a shitty romcom was playing on Nicky’s handed down TV and Aaron.

“Why does he think I hate him?”

Neil shifted the gear stick and looked over to him. Momentarily, his face twitched into an expression Andrew couldn’t decipher.

“Andrew, his mother abused him. I’m sure that he thinks that not a lot of people like him.”

“You certainly don’t, which doesn’t help.”

“It’s not like that.” Neil ducked his head. “I see a lot of him in me and I don’t like that. Plus he’s annoying.”

“And you aren’t?”

Neil shrugged his shoulders and smirked.

“My point still stands.”

“I’m not his mother.” Andrew stated the obvious.

“But you’re the only family he has left. He cares about what you think of him.”

“He has Nicky too.”

“Nicky’s different.”

How could Nicky be different? He was their cousin. He was family. He had been a better guardian than Andrew could have ever been for Aaron. But Nicky was different in the way, that he never expected anything from anyone. He had given up his perfect life to take care of two troubled teens he didn’t know, only because he knew that they would have been miserable if they had stayed with his parents. Nicky poured out his love for them, was still doing it, without wanting anything in return. That was just who Nicky was. Always loving, always giving.

Andrew must feel like the total opposite for Aaron. Rules and distance were disguising all the love Andrew had for his twin. He had all these regulations to keep Aaron safe because all he ever wanted was to protect him. From the world, his own bad decisions and Andrew.

And yet it wasn’t enough. He had done everything he could and yet Aaron still had gotten hurt. Sometimes Andrew felt like he had let Aaron down. He didn’t try to linger on the feeling too much, but sometimes he watched Aaron from afar and thought, I wish I could have protected you better.

“Nicky is family.”

“Sure.” Neil agreed. “But Nicky hands out affection as if it was candy. Have you seen how Aaron preens under Nicky’s words of encouragement or how he gets all soft when he hugs him?”

Of course, Andrew had noticed. He wasn’t blind. That had been one of the reasons why he had wanted to start touch therapy with Aaron.

“You’re not giving out these things so easily and I think that’s why Aaron is cautious.”

“Because he thinks he could upset me.”

“Because he thinks he’s disappointing you.”

Andrew grunted. “Same thing.”

“Not entirely, no.” Neil shook his head, taking the next exit. “Fact is to Aaron you are different, because you are his twin. But also, to him, you are unreachable.”

Andrew crossed his arms in front of his chest.

“I don’t like it when you psychoanalyze us. You can’t fix us.”

Neil shrugged his shoulders. “I’m not trying to fix anything. I just observe you.”

“You and your staring problem. I don’t like that either.”

“Call him, Andrew.” Neil echoed Bee’s words when they passed the state line, a sign welcomed them in Maine, and Andrew supposed that was what he would do; he would call Aaron.

—

The wind was harsher further upstate and so close by the sea. They were in a rural town near the Cape Neddick Light. Neil walked a step in front of him, chatting about gas station soda and the difference between Canadian French and French French.

“Jean would call is barbaric French.” He turned around. “Are you listening to me?”

“Yes, Jean will kill all Canadian French speakers and Sprite from the gas station is like the holy grail of sodas.”

Neil smiled.

“I thought I had lost you to depressive twin thoughts again.”

Andrew shrugged his shoulders. He was able to multitask. He could think about Aaron and listen to Neil.

“You do know that all your problems could be solved if you just called him, right?”

“Not all my problems.”

“Most of them, then.”

“I’ll call him tomorrow.”

“You already said that yesterday. Today is tomorrow.”

Andrew narrowed his eyes, but didn’t say anything.

“What are you so afraid of?”

That the distance hadn’t made Aaron fonder. Andrew was afraid that Aaron had realized, now that they didn’t have to see or talk to each other, that he was better off without him. He was afraid that Aaron was happier without him.

It made him feel sick to his stomach. Because it felt like Andrew had just now found out that he wouldn’t be able to live without Aaron. So he couldn’t lose him, now that he had realized he was ready to reach out and hold his hand.

But he couldn’t say all of that, so instead he replied with a monetone: “Let’s get ice cream.”

Neil’s face twitched but then he nodded, already leading them to an ice cream vendor that stood further down the road.

Neil’s ice cream of choice was an unhinged mixture of lemon and dark chocolate. Andrew’s taste buds revolved just from the thought of it. His own ice cream was a plain vanilla and strawberry cone. Usually he would prefer something with chocolate too, preferably even cookies. But today, as so many days before, wasn’t usually. Today was a thinking about Aaron day and those days made Andrew feel fuzzy and unfocused.

However, Neil was right, Andrew had said he would call Aaron today. He should. Call him.

Because he had said he would. Because they are brothers. Brothers, who should do things like calling each other. Brothers did these kind of things. Brothers did all kinds of mundane things. That was the whole point of having a brother. So what was he so afraid of? That Aaron wouldn’t pick up? The chances were high that he might just do that. He didn’t really have a great track record of answering his phone.

Andrew was aware of that, even knew the risk of it happening. But then it would be Aaron’s turn to call him. And maybe that was what Andrew was afraid of. That Aaron wouldn’t call him back, because he didn’t care about him the way Andrew cared for him.

No, that wasn’t true. Because Andrew would call him. He would call him even if Aaron didn’t pick up on the first try. He would call. He would call him until he reached him. Andrew would call Aaron, because he loved him. Because he cared. And he wanted Aaron to know.

Andrew didn’t know when “call him” turned into “love him”, but he did love Aaron and it was time for Aaron to see that.

He was taking small steps. But he hoped he would finally reach Aaron and maybe he was already waiting for him with his arms outstretched, ready to take his hand.

“I’ll call him.”

“Okay.” Neil smiled. “I give you some space.”

Neil went further down the coast, in one hand his ice cream cone and the other one stretched out to better balance himself as he walked over the big rocks. Andrew watched him for a moment then he sat down on a bench, that overlooked the ocean and pulled out his phone.

Neil turned his head over the shoulder, it took him a moment to find Andrew, but when he did he put one of his thumbs up, a big smile plastered across his face.
Andrew sighed but hit the dial button.

It ringed one time, two times. It ringed for the fourth time. Andrew was ready to hang up. It had been a stupid idea anyway. Aaron wasn’t going to pick up. He rarely did. But then the line connected and Aaron’s soft voice was in his ear.

“Andrew? Hey!” He said a bit breathless, but full of joy. It hit Andrew harder than it should have. His heart stopped for a second as his brain tried to freeze and cataloged this moment.

“Andrew? Are you there?” Aaron asked. This time his voice was more husky. Maybe even worried.

“Yeah, hey.” Andrew finally replied. His own voice was hoarse.

“Why are you calling?”

I wanted to hear your voice, Andrew almost said. Which was ridiculous because they almost sounded the same. Aaron’s voice was just an ounce softer, the vowels rolled of his tongue like droplets. Andrew’s voice, however, got rougher on the last syllables of each word.

“To make sure you’re not doing anything stupid.” He answered at last.

“I’m sure Kevin would have texted you about it already if I had.”

“I don’t trust Kevin.”

“But you trust me?” Aaron breathed out deeply as if it had coast him a lot of strength to as that question.

“I trust you more with Kevin, than him with you.” Andrew flicked at a stain on his jeans, but ultimately rubbed the white substance further into the dark fabric.

“What does that even mean?”

“I trust you to be honest with me.”

“Well, we are not doing much. I showed Kevin the city centre the other day. But now the days are getting hotter again so we are mainly in the garden, eating ice cream and playing Badminton.”

“Badminton?”

“I told Kevin he can drive back to the campus if he even so much as suggests playing Exy.”

Andrew could imagine Kevin throwing a fit over it, muttering something about slacking off if they didn’t train, but giving into Aaron anyway. He had promised not only Nicky but also Andrew that he would stay with Aaron. And Kevin might be a coward but he was also loyal.

“And you?” Aaron asked when Andrew didn’t say anything.

“We’re in a coastal town in Maine. Neil wants to go to the Canadian border.”

“Is he trying to kidnap you?” Aaron joked.

“No.”

And even if he did, I would always find my way back to you, was left unsaid. For a moment neither of them said anything. The silence passed between them like thick waves. Eventually Aaron made a small noise and said:

“You didn’t call.”

“Neither did you.”

“I wasn’t sure if I was allowed to. I thought…” Aaron trailed off. Andrew heard a door close, Aaron was walking around the house. He heard the squeaky sound the second step made when Aaron spoke up again. “I thought that maybe I was bothering you.”

“You couldn’t never.”

Aaron echoed the last word. It was said so quietly, Andrew was sure it wasn’t meant for his ears and yet he was grateful that he had heard it anyway.

But even with that knowledge talking to Aaron didn’t get easier. He was still walking on a tightrope, one wrong word and he would fall off the world.

“Have you eaten?” Andrew asked and immediately rolled his eyes at himself, that was exactly not what he was supposed to say. He sounded like an over protective parent. God, he wanted to punch himself in the face.

“Oh, yeah.” Aaron sounded startled.

Maybe he felt caught. Maybe it had been the wrong question to ask. How stupid could he be? Asking Aaron, his brother, who had an unhealthy relationship with food, if he had eaten? Was he asking for silence?

But then Aaron said: “We had chicken tenders with a salad. Kevin makes me eat all kind of healthy food now.”

Andrew huffed at himself and at Kevin. Never at Aaron, though. Aaron wasn’t at fault for the situation he was in. Andrew was responsible for it and maybe even Nicky. Though, Nicky would be thrilled to hear, that Aaron was eating more healthy food. Nicky would tease them but ultimately be happy that some of Kevin’s better qualities were rubbing off on him.

What a pair Kevin and Aaron made, a health addict and a starved puppy. But maybe it would be good for them. It would keep the two in a constant feedback loop.

“We’re having ice cream.” Andrew said around a mouthful of it. “I’m having strawberry and vanilla. Neil’s is dark chocolate and citrus.”

“What kind of atrocious combination is that? Does Neil know that you’re supposed to enjoy ice cream and not torture yourself with it?”

Andrew chuckled. It just fell from his lips. Involuntary or maybe not. He could hear Aaron huff. It felt almost normal to talk like this, as if there hadn’t been long weeks of silence between them.

Andrew had worried through all of them. He had thought that Aaron wouldn’t pick up because he had gotten bored of him and all his stupid sat backs. But right now, talking to Aaron, felt like the most natural thing to do.

“Do you like any other ice cream flavours besides hazelnut?” Andrew asked, just so the quietness between them would end. And because he hope it would be a safer topic to talk about.

“Oh, uhm, Stracciatella? Or, do you remember that one time Nicky got us this ice cream with M&Ms in it? I liked that one too.”

Andrew hummed.

“That was mostly yogurt ice cream. The M&Ms coloured the white.”

“Yeah, but still, I liked it. But almost every other ice cream flavour tastes…”

“Artificial, you’ve said that before.” Andrew offered, trying his hardest to show Aaron that he cared. That he listened. “Do you think you would like stuff like ‘Toffee’ or ‘Mokka’?”

“I don’t know, I haven’t tried that many flavours. Which sounds hypocritical since we went to an ice cream parlour almost every week for years before going to Eden’s”

Andrew refrained from saying, that Aaron had usually been too on edge to eat anything, just waiting for the cracker dust to get him high. Or as high as Andrew allowed him to be.

“I like hazelnut because it tastes like Snickers.” Aaron said at last.

It was just a simple fact but to Andrew it felt like Aaron had just revealed a hidden secret. Andrew was hungry for more of that. Maybe he, too, was a starved puppy.

“We could do that.”

“Do what exactly?”

“Find more ice cream flavours you like. We could go to different ice cream parlours and get multiple sampler portions.”

Aaron breathed in audibly.

“Yeah. Yeah, I’d like that.”

Andrew did too. More than he liked to admit.
Aaron switched topics then, told him about the library card Kevin had made him get, the town, the hot weather and the park. Then he excused himself.

“Uhm, I think I have to go. I just left Kevin in the garden.” Aaron laughed self consciously. “I’ll call you later this week, if that’s okay?”

It was more than okay.

“Sure, tell Kevin I said hi.”

“Will do. Bye, Drew.”

“Bye, Aaron.”

He hung up. The phone stayed in his hand as he stared at the slowly dimming screen. In his other hand the strawberry ice cream had melted and ran over his fingers.

They had talked for almost an hour.
55 minutes.

Andrew’s heart was in his throat.

He looked up and found Neil still by the ocean. He had taken off his shoes and was wading through the incoming waves. Andrew licked the ice cream off of his hand and got up. He felt lighter.

“And what did Aaron say?” Neil asked when Andrew finally reached him.

“That you’re an abomination to the ice cream world.”

Neil rose an eye brow.

“He can judge that because he knows so many flavours, now?”

“No, I gave him special permission.”

“I suppose it was a good phone call then.”

Andrew’s lips twitched and he turned to the ocean. It had been the best phone call.

—

They stayed longer in Maine than they had planned to. The summer was milder here and the prospect of driving back to Columbia kept them from reaching the Canadian border.

They drove up the coastline and saw Cape Elizabeth. Andrew took a picture of it and sent it to Aaron, knowing that he liked the Noah Kahan album named after it.
He had replied with a simple “jealous!”, which had made Andrew chuckle. But Aaron still hadn’t called and Andrew, albeit he would never admit it, was anxiously waiting for it.

To keep his mind off of things, Andrew and Neil decided to take a stroll through another coastal town. They had a lot of unique shops here but some of them were just the usual ones.

The little shop, they were currently in, was filled with all kind of things, most of them souvenirs, show-casting the town on postcards, keychains or other useless trinkets. But in a shelf in the back of the shop the gentle eyes of a plushie caught Andrew’s. He navigated through the narrow spaces until he stood right in front of it. He blinked.

The Bernstein eyes belonged to an otter, but they reminded him so much of Aaron’s too. When Andrew got the plushie out of the shelf, his fingers sunk into the soft fur. It was so fluffy.

Andrew had to think of the other two plushies Aaron kept in his room in Columbia. He knew that Nicky had gotten the shark for him in Germany, but Aaron had had the lion for longer than that. He already had it when Andrew had moved in with him and Tilda. Aaron had always clung to it, had dragged the lion around the house with him as if it was his protective shield. Andrew didn’t know the story of the lion plushie, it was a mystery much like the rest of Aaron’s life before they had found each other. But what he knew was that it was important to Aaron.

He held up the plushie for Neil to see, who rose his eyebrows in question. His face doing a complicated dance while he tried to figure out why Andrew was showing him the otter. Andrew shook his head lightly.

“For Aaron.” Andrew clarified and a smile spread on Neil’s face.

“He will love it.”

Andrew squeezed the plushie lightly. The decision was made. He paid for the otter and then they continued their walk.

Andrew felt a soft giddiness inside of him, a tender joyful emotion that he was excited to see Aaron again. It resembled the emotion Andrew had felt when the juvie guard had told him his twin would come to meet him. Andrew had told Aaron to stay away and yet he had been so excited to meet him. He had been almost a bit relieved that Aaron hadn’t listened to him.

From the moment Andrew had seen Aaron, sitting on the uncomfortable steel chairs in the meeting room with a bruise eye, Andrew had known that he would do anything it took to make himself valuable to Aaron so he wouldn’t ever leave him.

In Andrew’s need to be needed he hadn’t realize that he had always been wanted. He had struck a deal with Aaron, to protect him, but also so that he could selfishly stay in his life. He had tried to make himself useful so that Aaron would want him around. When in reality, Aaron had only ever wanted his brother, no matter how he could have him.

Aaron had wanted Andrew from the moment he had reached out to him and Andrew had needed him for the same amount of time. Maybe it was exactly this clarity that they needed to finally fix their relationship. He knew that they both had it in them to try. He knew that they could do it. They could fix what was broken.

Andrew was ready to reach out to his brother, hold his hand and never let go and deep down in his heart he knew Aaron felt the same, because after all they were made out of the same impossible stuff:

Stubbornness, hope and love.
Most of all love for each other.

Andrew’s phone lit up with an incoming call.
The caller ID read “mirror”.
Andrew picked up.

“Hey, Drew.” Aaron said and the world shifted.