Chapter Text
Lord, kung anak niyo po talaga ako, please ibigay niyo po sa akin si Matteo San Rafael from LegMa 4A. Please, po.
Amen.
Kung pagalingan lang naman mang-gaslight, perfect score na si Cinnamon Perez diyan. Gabi-gabi niyang pinapanalangin na sana mapansin na siya ni Matteo—crush niya mula noong 1st year college pa lamang siya.
Ngayong 3rd year na siya, at nasa huling taon na ng kolehiyo si Matteo, para siyang nauubusan ng oras.
Lord, ginawa ko naman lahat. Well, ‘ginawa lahat’ is an understatement. Sinundan niya si Matteo sa mga organizations na kasama ito. Kahit sa university publication, sumali siya bilang cartoonist kahit stick man lang ang kaya niyang idrawing para lang kay Matteo. Sa totoo lang, wala lang talagang open sa kahit anong category noon, at gumamit lang siya ng koneksyon (kaibigan) upang makapasok—iyan tuloy, nasa category siya na wala siyang kaalam-alam.
Hindi lamang iyon, kabisado niya rin ang schedule ni Matteo, maging iyong paminsan-minsang paglalaro ng basketball kasama ang Kuya Sebastian (Seungcheol) niya. Alam niya ring hilig ng binata na magliwaliw tuwing weekends sa paborito nilang bar, kaya naman kahit hindi umiinom, niyayaya niya ang kaibigang si Jasper (Jeonghan) para lang masilayan ang matagal nang hinahangaan.
In short, stalker ni Matteo si Cinn.
Pero hindi talaga lahat pinagpapala ni Lord. Kahit pa araw-araw siyang magdasal, ni hindi man lang siya natapunan ng tingin ni Matteo. May iilan silang interaksyon dahil isa sa malapit na kaibigan ni Matteo ang Kuya Sebastian niya ngunit hanggang doon na lamang iyon.
Crush na crush niya talaga si Matteo. Please, Lord. Nakaluhod na nga yung tao, oh?
Cinn would sacrifice everything just to get a little bit of Matteo’s attention. Kaya naman, narito siya ngayon, nasa bar na naman dahil narinig niya ang Kuya Seb niyang katawagan ang mga tropa nito kanina. Syempre, agad niya ring tinawagan si Jasper upang ayain.
“Aayain mo ako tapos hindi ka naman iinom!” Sinamaan siya ng tingin ni Jasper. Ganito kasi sila lagi, si Jasper lang ang oorder ng alak, samantalang siya, pagkain lang at non alcoholic beverages.
“Sasabunutan na talaga kita!” Gigil na sambit ng kaibigan. “Tigilan mo na kasi ‘yan si Matteo. Umamin ka na sa kaniya last sem diba? May nagbago ba?”
Cinn pouted. Of course, he remembered that moment. He had been so drunk after witnessing Matteo making out with someone in the corner of the same bar. Nagkagulo pa noon dahil nanugod siya, lasing at umiiyak. Matteo had no choice but to calm him down. Sa sobrang sama ng loob niya, napaamin siya sa nakatatanda, ngunit sinabi lang ni Matteo na dahil lang iyon sa kaniyang kalasingan.
Kaya naman, kinabukasan na hindi na siya lasing, pumunta siya sa condo ng binata upang umamin. But Matteo opened the door half naked, and a man came after him. The same one he made out with.
Cinn knew it was a rejection right there and then. He only ended up saying thank you for taking care of him the night before, and sorry for the things he said while he was drunk.
And yet, even after that, he still liked Matteo. Lagi naman. At parang hindi na ata maaalis iyon sa kaniya. He liked him as easily as breathing. As if it was normal for his heart to crave Matteo.
“Look, Cinn. Poganda ka. Matalino. Hindi ka marunong magdrawing pero may gift ka sa photography. Sobra ka kung magmahal. You are literally the sunshine of our block kahit introvert ka. People just gravitate towards you naturally because you are such a sweetheart. Ang dami mo ring gwapong admirers diyan! Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit nagkakandarapa ka riyan kay Matteo na sobrang babaero at lalakero. I mean, I get it, gwapo naman talaga at matalino. But c’mon! He raises the reddest flag ever.”
Does Cinn know that? Yes. Will Cinn listen? No.
Minsan na lang siya humiling sa Diyos, bakit hindi pa maibigay sa kaniya?
Hindi siya nagdasal na magkabalikan ang mga magulang nila ng Kuya Seb niya. Hindi siya nagdasal na maging top sa klase all the freaking time kasi kaya niya iyon sa sarili niya. Hindi niya pinagdasal ang sarili noong minsang nasangkot sa isang malaking isyu sa paaralan. Hindi siya humiling ng tulong sa Diyos noong napagbintangan siyang nagcheat sa isang major exam. Hindi siya humiling na bumilis ang oras at maging safe siya noong nakalimutan ng kaniyang Kuya Seb na sunduin siya sa lugar na hindi niya kabisado.
Bihira lamang siyang humiling sa Diyos. Si Matteo lang.
But his only prayer wasn’t heard at all.
Maraming signs na hindi talaga para sa kaniya ang binata. Tulad na lamang noong umamin siya at nakita niya itong may ka-one night stand. Noong binigyan niya ng pagkain si Matteo at nalamang allergic pala ito sa peanut. Noong nagkaroon ng girlfriend si Matteo ng ilang buwan nitong nakaraang taon. Noong sumusubok siyang makipagchat sa binata ngunit nakakatanggap lamang ng kakarampot na reply—maraming palatandaan na ibinato ang kalawakan, nagsusumigaw na hindi sila para sa isa’t isa.
But then again, who the fuck cares? He only had one life, and in this life, he chose Matteo.
Tumayo siya sa kinauupuan nang makita si Matteo na sumasayaw na.
“Hi!” He greeted. “You were with Kuya po?”
Matteo’s eyebrows furrowed. Tumango lamang saglit saka ngumiti na sa isa pang bumati sa kaniya.
Cinn blinked rapidly. A bit embarrassed because he felt ignored. Well, he was indeed… ignored.
Mariin siyang napalunok, nangingilid ang luha dahil naiwang mag-isa roon sa dance floor. Nakita niyang nilingon siyang muli ni Matteo kaya pilit siyang ngumiti. Hindi alam ni Cinn kung namamalikmata ba siya ngunit sa saglit na pagkakataon, nakakita siya ng pagsisisi sa mata ng nakatatanda.
Bumuntong hininga si Matteo bago lumapit muli sa kaniya. “Sinong kasama mo? Ihahatid kita kay Seb kung wala kang kasama,” anito habang marahang hinahawakan ang kaniyang siko.
“I have Jasper with me… po,” namamaos niyang sagot.
Matteo eyed Cinn carefully. Tipong sinusubukang basahin kung ano ang iniisip.
“Hatid kita ron.” Marahan muling hinaplos ng nakatatanda ang kaniyang siko, tila inaalo siya sa pamamagitan ng malambing na lapat ng balat.
But Cinn will always be Cinn. It was rare to see the older one soft around him, so he might as well weaponize this opportunity to be with him… even just a little longer. “Can we dance na lang? I want to enjoy too,” he uttered, almost like a whisper.
Bumunot ng malalim na hininga si Matteo bago tumitig sa namamasa niyang mga mata. “Fine… Five minutes, and I’ll bring you back to Jasper.”
Masayang tumango si Cinn. God, he couldn’t believe he would have this moment with Matteo! Sa tagal niyang nagmamatyag at tumitingin mula sa malayo kahit ang lapit-lapit ng binata, ngayon lang siya pinayagang makalapit ng ganito.
They danced to the rhythm of the bar’s music. Maraming tao sa paligid, kaya halos matulak na si Cinn palapit lalo sa dibdib ni Matteo. And Matteo would carefully place his hand on the small of Cinn’s back—mas nilalapit, akala mo’y iniingatang hindi matulak ng iba.
“Careful,” Matteo whispered.
Dumarami lalo ang mga tao sa dance floor. At habang dumarami ang sumasayaw, ganoon din mas nagiging malapit ang kanilang katawan. Sa huli, nakita na lamang ni Cinn ang sarili na nakayapos sa bewang ng nakatatanda upang alalayan ang sarili habang ang mga mata nila’y hindi nahihiwalay ang tingin mula sa isa’t isa.
Cinn felt like there was something magnetic pulling him closer to the guy—katulad na lamang kung paanong unti-unti, bumababa ang mukha ni Matteo palapit sa kaniya. He closed his eyes, anticipating something magical, only to hear a reality check: “Five minutes up, baby.”
Humiwalay sa kaniya si Matteo at marahang gumalaw palayo sa sayawan ng mga tao. Cinn was left there wondering if he was still dreaming.
Noong gabing iyon napagtanto ni Cinn na baka nga… baka may pag-asa pa siya.
He became even more aggressive with his advances after that day.
“So you’re alone today? What are you eating, Matteo?” He asked when he saw the older one eating alone at the cafeteria.
“Dinuguan,” sagot nito. “Alis na ako.”
“You aren’t done, though?” Cinn raised his eyebrow.
“Next class,” sambit lamang ng lalaki bago tumayo at niligpit na rin ang pinagkainan. Cinn was left at the table eating his packed lunch. Kada lunok, parang may bumabara sa lalamunan.
Inisip niya na lang, baka nga busy lang ito. Because Cinn knew his schedule. He also knew that Matteo’s next class was just an online one later that evening.
It had been a series of walking away and running away from him the whole week after their five minutes of bodies pressed against each other. Kapag nagbabasketball sila, hindi man lang tinatapunan ng tingin ang iaabot niya sanang energy drink. At noong bumalik muli sila sa paboritong bar, hindi na siya hinayaan ni Matteo na makalapit.
And god forbid a gay man likes to chase. He ended up cornering Matteo at the university parking lot after class that afternoon.
“Please, teach me how to draw. Kuya Seb told me you like art. I saw your paintings on socmed too. Can you pretty please help me?”
Nasa tapat siya ngayon ng sasakyan ni Matteo, hindi hinahayaang makadaan ang lalaki at makalapit man lang sa pinto ng sasakyan upang humingi ng pabor.
“Cinnamon, I’m busy,” Matteo told him with an obviously frustrated sigh. Parang ayaw na ayaw pang lumapit sa kaniya kaya umisang hakbang pa palayo.
“Midterms are already done, Matteo. I know you guys have a one-week free sched. So please, help me just this once! I kept disappointing Kuya Evan sa mga pinapasa kong cartoons.”
Matteo’s jaw clenched in annoyance. “You shouldn’t have begged Jasper to talk your way in in the first place, Cinnamon. May puso ka ba para sa category mo? Do you even know its importance? Or are you just there for selfish reasons?”
Cinn wasn’t ready for that sudden confrontation. Alam niyang aware si Matteo sa mga ginagawa niya para lamang mapalapit sa nakatatanda. Hindi naman bobo si Matteo para hindi mapansing kada galaw, nariyan si Cinn, nakamasid.
“That’s why I wanted to learn…” Humina ang boses ni Cinn. He was guilty, okay? Totoo namang wala naman dapat siyang puwang sa category nila sa publication. Kung hindi lamang wiling-wili ang mga seniors at editors sa kaniya, malamang matagal na siyang tanggal.
Suddenly, Cinn felt small and pathetic. Alam niya naman iyon. Sobrang desperada ang dating niya sa mata ni Matteo, kaya siguro may inis na nararamdaman ang lalaki sa kaniya.
He was aware that Matteo didn’t like him that much—or maybe he even hated Cinn’s presence around him.
“Are you seriously willing to learn?”
Sa pagkakataong narinig ni Cinn ang tanong na iyon, parang nagbukas ang kalawakan para sa kaniya. It was the exact moment he felt like his prayers were slowly coming into life. Sana nga, ito na iyon.
They had a deal that day. For a month, Matteo would teach him how to draw. Ituturo ng nakatatanda lahat ng nalalaman niya, at kapalit nito, gusto ni Matteo na seryosohin ni Cinn ang parte niya sa publikasyon—kung gaano kahalaga ang pagiging cartoonist sa pagmulat ng mata ng masang estudyante.
It was their constant meetings at the library for their teaching sessions that made Cinn’s life at the university feel like sunshine and rainbows. Para siyang laging nakalutang sa alapaap.
At hinding-hindi niya makalilimutang magpasalamat sa Diyos sa pagkakataong binigay sa kaniya upang makasama si Matteo.
“So Kuya, is this exaggerated enough for you?” Tanong ni Cinn habang pinapakita ang drawing niya ng ulo ni Rodrigo Duterte na emphasized ang ilong at ang mga pores nito.
One of the things that Matteo warned him about was the lack of honorifics whenever Cinn called him. Mas nakatatanda raw si Matteo kaya gusto niyang matawag na kuya.
Tumango si Matteo. “Yeah. You’re doing better. Just make sure the shading and the shadows are right. Look at this—the light was coming from this way on this part of his face, so the shadows should be around here.”
Hindi mapigilang sumimangot ni Cinn. “Why is this so hard…” He sighed as he rested his head on the table. His right cheek squished against its wooden body.
“My fingers are hurting na,” reklamo niya habang pinagmamasdan ang kamay. Namumula na ang parteng ginagamit niya sa paghawak ng lapis.
Matteo slowly reached for his hand. Napabangon ang ulo ni Cinnamon at nanlalaki ang matang tinitingnan ang Kuya Matteo niya habang marahan nitong minamasahe ang palad niya at ang mga parte ritong namumula.
“Masakit pa rin?” Nangungusap ang matang tanong ng nakatatanda.
Cinn pouted, trying to hide his smile but he failed so miserably. Lumabas ang ngiti sa kaniyang labi habang marahang tumatango. “Sakit pa po.”
Ilang minuto pa siyang minasahe ni Matteo. Hindi niya mapigilang mapatitig sa binata habang seryoso lamang itong nakatingin sa kamay niya. Marahan ang mga haplos, mainit ang mga palad, at maingat ang paghawak sa balat niya. He felt so fucking safe that he asked the Higher Being again to answer his one and only prayer. Lord, sana siya na ang para sa akin.
Their routine became even more frequent. Ang unang usapan, twice a week lang sa library. But Cinn found his way to Matteo’s condo that weekend. Nasaktuhan kasing kailangan niyang magpasa ng cartoon piece para sa isang feature article na sinulat ng isang writer sa publication, kaya nagmamadali siyang nagpatulong kay Matteo a week before the deadline. At ngayon, huling araw na para ipolish nila iyong gawa niya.
“Yeah. It was better when you used his wheelchair as a symbolism. I think you can pass this to your editor now. Editor Evan (Eunwoo), right?”
Cinn nodded. “Are you sure, kuya? I’m quite scared kasi kay Editor since he’s strict, unlike kila Editor Mayen.”
“I’m sure he’ll understand if it’s a bit sloppy. And unlike your previous pieces, this one is definitely the best.”
Cinn was so happy as he stared at his cartoon piece. Sobrang proud niya sa sarili dahil hindi niya inakalang matututo siyang mag-drawing ng ganon. It wasn’t easy, okay? He had so many sleepless nights, wasted so many papers, his hand muscles got so sore and tired from continuously trying to make the output better, and now, he could finally say that his drawing sessions with Matteo were slowly paying off.
Amidst admiring his finished output, his stomach made a loud sound. Namula ang mukha niya sa pagkapahiya at unti-unting umayos ng upo. Sa sobrang excited niya kasing umalis kanina sa kanila, nakalimutan niyang kumain ng tanghalian.
“Hindi ka pa kumakain?” Kunot-noong tanong ni Matteo, mukhang narinig din ang pagkulo ng kaniyang tiyan.
Nahihiyang tumango si Cinn bilang pag-amin. “I was… excited… uh, I forgot.”
Lalong sumama ang ekspresyon ng nakatatanda bago tumayo at tahimik na iniwan siya sa living room. Akala niya’y palalayasin na siya ni Matteo kaya niligpit niya na ang gamit upang magpaalam. Ngunit nang sundan ang nakatatanda, napagtanto niyang pinaglulutuan pala siya nito!
Matteo noticed his presence. “Mahilig ka raw sa beef steak sabi ng kuya mo.”
Marahang tumango si Cinn habang pinagmamasdan ang nakatatanda na magluto ng pagkain. He looked like a god incarnate. Sobrang gwapo at parang hindi totoo. Kaya hindi niya rin masisisi ang ibang nagkakandarapa sa lalaki. Aware naman siya na hindi lamang siya ang nag-iisang tagapaghanga ni Matteo. Swerte lamang siya dahil kapatid siya ng isa sa pinakamalapit na kaibigan ng lalaki kaya naman may pagkakataon siyang makasama ito nang malapitan.
“Here.” Matteo placed the food in front of him. Ipinagtimpla rin siya ng paborito niyang calamansi juice na alam niyang naikwento rin ng kaniyang kuya.
“Thank you,” pasasalamat niya.
The food was good. But if Cinn would be honest, he couldn’t even process its taste because Matteo kept on staring at him! Paano siya kakain ng matino kung iyong crush niya, hindi siya pinapakawalan ng tingin?
“Was it to your liking?”
Agad na tumango si Cinnamon, halos mabulunan pa sa gulat dahil biglang nagsalita ito sa gitna ng katahimikan.
“Careful,” Matteo uttered while handing him the glass of calamansi juice.
It was the most awkward meal he had in his life. Paano kasi, ayaw naman ni Matteo na kumain kaya pinanood lamang siya ng lalaki hanggang maubos ang inihain sa kaniya.
“You looked like a cat,” Matteo told him while pinching his cheek.
Sa lahat ng ayaw ni Cinn, iyan na iyong walang pasabing pinipisil ang pisngi niya. Para kasi nalalamog ang parteng iyon ng mukha tuwing pinanggigigilan ng ibang tao. He remembered Jasper doing that, and he ended up with a huge bite on his hand.
But Cinn couldn’t do that to Matteo. Instead, kinilig pa talaga siya sa ginawa ng binata. Talk about favoritism.
Simula noon, tuwing may drawing sessions sila, laging may dalang pagkain si Matteo. Hindi pwedeng hindi kakain si Cinn sa harap niya! Hindi alam ni Cinn kung torture ba ito, o gusto lamang siyang patabain ni Matteo.
Tulad ngayon, may dalang peanut pie si Matteo para sa kaniya. Dalawa iyon at alam niyang para sa kaniya lamang ang pagkain dahil allergic si Matteo sa peanut.
A long time ago, Matteo rejected his peanut pie because he said he was allergic.
But Cinn’s world seemed to be tilting in an ugly direction.
Matteo casually grabbed the other slice of peanut pie, took a big bite, and munched it down his throat without a second thought. Cinnamon’s eyes widened as he waited—waited for something, anything—to happen. A cough, a swelling, a reaction.
But nothing.
No allergic reaction like Cinn was expecting
Natahimik siya nang matapos silang kumain. Nawalan din ng gana kaya noong gabing iyon nang makauwi sa kanila, unti-unti na siyang kinakalaban ng sariling isip.
Matteo lied to him before. Perhaps to get rid of him, and perhaps because he doesn’t want Cinn around. He would go all out—lying to him just to reject the peanut pie he spent hours baking.
May kirot siyang naramdaman sa dibdib. Alam naman niyang wala talagang pakialam si Matteo sa kaniya. At siguro, siya lamang itong nagpupumilit na baka kahit papaano, kung paghihirapan niya ang puso ng nakatatanda, baka maging deserving siya rito.
It’s not a crime to hope, right? He might sound stupid for still trying to hold on to the idea of Matteo someday liking him, but he would forever regret it if he wouldn’t try properly telling him what he truly felt.
So that day, he promised himself that after a month of drawing sessions with Matteo, he would tell him his feelings. And if Matteo rejected him still, that time around, Cinn would back down and start to move on.
He would respect Matteo and himself. But for now, Cinn wanted so badly to treasure the remaining moments he had with the older guy, because who knows? It might be the last time he can enjoy the presence of the other.
~*~
“I really wanted to pursue med school after this, so I’m planning to have my own condo unit na rin soon. Also, I want a side hustle. I’m considering modeling. Just to support myself financially,” kwento ni Cinn kay Matteo habang nag-uusap sila tungkol sa mga pangarap sa buhay.
Nabanggit kasi ni Matteo na magla-law school agad siya matapos ang apat na taon sa kolehiyo. Nabanggit din nito ang pangarap na maging prosecutor sa hinaharap.
Kaya naman, Cinn couldn’t help but blabber about his future plans as well. Pangarap niya talagang mag-med school at maging cardiologist someday.
“Your Kuya Seb told me he’ll be shouldering your tuition,” banggit ni Matteo.
“I know. Kuya always reminded me to be a bit laid back. But Kuya focuses on me so much, I’m always guilty he couldn’t even find time to love and be loved. You know naman our parents are already separated, right? They had their own families na on their own. Pero they always support us financially, but Kuya Seb didn’t want to use the money they sent. He would always work hard for us.” Malungkot na pinaglaruan ni Cinn ang kaniyang mga daliri. “Our grandpa left him a small business, and it was enough to fund our education and living expenses. But Kuya Seb is still too young to be burdened with leading a company. He couldn’t even enjoy his youth.”
Alam niya lahat ng pinagdaanan ng kaniyang nakatatandang kapatid kaya pursigido rin si Cinn sa pag-aaral. Higit sa lahat, kaya gusto niyang kumita rin sa abot ng makakaya, ay para makatulong din sa burdens ng kaniyang kuya.
And mayhap, being left behind by their own parents made Cinn who he was now. He was always chasing for love, trying to be better to be liked, always trying his best not to be left behind.
So it would hurt like a brick if Matteo ended up clawing his way out of his life soon. Alam niya namang hindi obligasyon ni Matteo ang nararamdaman niya, ngunit hindi niya rin itatanggi na kung mangyari ngang hindi talaga siya gusto ni Matteo—it would hurt like a bitch.
The more they spent time together, the more Cinn grew to know Matteo even better. From knowing him on a surface level, Cinn had noticed a lot of things about the older guy.
Matteo’s moral compass was something to be inspired by. Kahit kilalang walking red flag dahil sa mga naka-fling nito, kilala rin si Matteo bilang volunteer sa iilang mga organisasyon upang makatulong sa nangangailangan.
He was present in rallies, always present in disasters when they needed volunteers, and had always been vocal about his political and social stand.
He was also a radical feminist—one thing that Cinn really loved about the man.
As days went by, the more fleeting idea of liking him was slowly overpowered by the desperate surge of love.
Hindi mahirap na mapamahal kay Matteo.
Oo, he was a flawed person, ngunit sa kabila ng lahat ng sugat at pagkakamali, hindi na yata maalis ni Cinn ang kagustuhan ng pusong mas yakapin ang pagmamahal sa lalaki.
Or maybe, he loved Matteo for a very long time already; he just categorized it as liking him to gaslight himself that even if it went the wrong road, it wouldn’t hurt that much because, after all—it was a simple ‘like.’
But Cinn could no longer ignore his heart. He could no longer lie to himself.
“I love him na, Jas,” naiiyak niyang pag-amin sa kaibigan nang magkita sila sa isang café malapit sa condo nito.
“Ay, hindi mo pa ba mahal dati?” nakangusong tanong ni Jasper, pinipilit na hindi matawa, kaya agad siyang sinamaan ni Cinn ng tingin.
Cinn couldn’t help but sigh. “What do I do, Jas? I don’t know what will happen to me if he rejects my love.”
Doon siya sineryoso ng kaibigan. Jasper held his chin and patted his head. “You will live, Cinn. You remember when your Kuya Seb rejected me, right? I thought it was the end of the freaking world. But look at me, I’m fine now—trying to date people, loosening up, and opening up when someone expresses their feelings towards me.”
Cinn wanted to say something. Gusto niya sanang sabihing his Kuya Seb only rejected Jas because he felt like he would just be a burden to him. Because his kuya had so many things to prioritize before being in a relationship. That’s why Cinn felt guilty. They couldn’t go on with their love for each other because there was him in the middle.
Sebastian was like Cinn’s mother and father, and Sebastian had already said a million times that he would make sure of Cinn’s future first before finally prioritizing himself. Gustong-gusto ni Cinn umalma, pero pursigido ang kapatid niyang itaguyod silang dalawa.
Kahit mahal na mahal ni Sebastian si Jasper, hindi nito pinaglaban ang pagmamahal nila.
If his Kuya Seb ever heard that Jasper was finally opening up to somebody else, he was so sure his kuya would be a billion times shattered. But Cinn knew that his Kuya Seb should accept it, because the moment he rejected Jasper’s love, that love could vanish, and another love for another person could take its place.
“Kaya, don’t worry too much, okay? Nandito naman ako whatever happens. I will always be your shoulder to cry on.”
Those words, and the promise that everything would be okay no matter how hurtful the present might be, led Cinn to be more courageous—especially when he met Matteo again for another drawing session.
“You’re already good. Just continue to practice every day. Hindi mo na kailangan ng magtuturo sa ’yo sa susunod,” sambit ni Matteo.
Humugot ng malalim na hininga si Cinn bago pinalobo ang mga pisngi, pilit na kumukuha ng kumpiyansa sa sarili.
“Kuya…” tawag niya sa nakatatanda. Agad siyang seryosong tiningnan ni Matteo. Sandali pa’y pinunasan nito ng tissue ang gilid ng kaniyang labi dahil may tira pa mula sa kinain niyang doughnut.
“Hmm?” Pinunasan din ng nakatatanda ang kaniyang mga kamay dahil may bahid pa ng kinain niya.
“Our next drawing session will be the last, right?” tanong niya, na ikinatigil ni Matteo sa pagpupunas ng kaniyang daliri. Wari’y natigilan ito dahil sa sinabi, na para bang sa saglit na panahon, nakalimutan din nitong may hangganan ang mumunti-munti nilang pagkikita.
“What about it?” malambing na tanong ni Matteo, ngayon ay minamasahe naman ang kaniyang kamay. Ang mga mata’y namumugay habang diretso ang tingin sa kaniya.
“Can we meet somewhere nice? I… I saw this steakhouse on the internet. Uh, can we meet there? As a celebration that I’m finally a little better as a cartoonist now. And also… I wanna tell you something important.”
Halos malagutan si Cinn ng hininga sa huling sinabi. Para siyang biglang nanghina. Pinagmasdan niya lamang ang lalaking nasa harapan, pinanonood kung paano magbabago ang ekspresyon nito.
Sandaling natigilan si Matteo. God knows how much the silence scared Cinnamon. He was so freaking terrified that before even telling him his feelings, he would already be rejected.
“Alright… tell me the place, I’ll come,” pagpayag nito na ikinalaki ng kaniyang mga mata.
Sa sobrang tuwa, niyakap niya si Matteo. He felt how the older stiffened the moment their bodies pressed against each other. Ngunit sa huli, niyakap din siya nito pabalik. Nawala ang ngiti sa labi ni Cinn, napalunok siya habang ninanamnam ang init ng kanilang mga katawan.
It felt like the heavens had answered his prayers. And Cinnamon prayed he was not hallucinating when he felt Matteo’s loud heartbeats against his.
Or so he thought.
It was already the weekend. Cinnamon dressed up for almost two hours because he didn’t know which clothes to wear. He ended up with a crop top dress shirt and pants with chains on his waist.
Wala pa si Matteo kaya pilit niyang pinapakalma ang sarili.
This is it, there’s no backing out, Cinn.
He was so ready to pour his heart out. To finally confess, and to finally accept whatever the result may be.
Kaya lang, isang oras na ngunit wala pa rin si Matteo. He messaged him, but he wasn’t even reading his messages.
Another hour passed, and he tried calling him this time, but nothing. He probably shut his phone down.
Nanginig si Cinn sa lamig ng lugar. His stomach hurt because the cold was already creeping on his naked waist.
Three hours, and he decided to check social media, thinking perhaps he would answer there. But instead of messaging him there, Cinn saw Jasper’s story on IG. It was a picture of him and his date. It was the very first time Jas posted a photo of someone. The next story he saw was his brother’s. His Kuya Seb looked so drunk that Cinn knew Seb posted that video out of drunkenness. But what caught Cinn’s eye was the person sitting on the couch with his Kuya Seb and their other friends.
It was his supposed date tonight—Matteo.
It was okay… he would actually understand if he was there for his kuya. But when he saw the familiar face of the woman beside Matteo, Cinn felt like all his prayers were now answered… but differently.
Matteo was with his ex-girlfriend in the video.
He knew now what God was saying all this time. Matteo and him? It would never happen.
He asked and prayed so many times to have Matteo in his life, and perhaps, this was the universe’s way to confirm that they weren’t for each other in this lifetime.
“Cinn?” He heard a familiar voice closing in. Ni hindi siya makakita dahil sa sunod-sunod at malalaking patak ng luha sa kaniyang mga mata.
“Wait… are you crying?” May pag-aalala sa tono ng lalaki.
“Please, get me out of here, Kuya Evan,” he begged desperately as his cries became even louder.
It was a prayer answered in the form of love rejection.